1. I like being a familiar.Copy !req
2. It's a very satisfying job.Copy !req
3. Well, actually, calling it
a job would imply that it pays.Copy !req
4. So it's more of a vocation.Copy !req
5. Less glamorous than I imagined.Copy !req
6. I thought by now
I'd be like Armand,Copy !req
7. but sometimes I feel likeCopy !req
8. I'm halfway
turning into a Renfield.Copy !req
9. I think the worst part
for me is the loneliness.Copy !req
10. I'm awake when
my master's asleep, and...Copy !req
11. the house gets quietCopy !req
12. and it's lonely,
but I'm also awakeCopy !req
13. when he's awake.Copy !req
14. I'm always awake.Copy !req
15. You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be likeCopy !req
16. if I was still at Panera Bread.Copy !req
17. I'd probably be manager.Copy !req
18. I'd get to boss other people
around for a change,Copy !req
19. sleeping, health insurance,Copy !req
20. friends...Copy !req
21. getting paid,Copy !req
22. all the Panera Bread
you can eat.Copy !req
23. But you know what they say:Copy !req
24. the heart wants
what the heart wants.Copy !req
25. - NANDOR :
Good evening, Guillermo.
- Good evening, Master.Copy !req
26. I have an envelope for you.Copy !req
27. Okay, pop it in the coffin.
Thank you.Copy !req
28. Uh, just... pop it in there.Copy !req
29. That's... that's...Copy !req
30. Is it in yet?Copy !req
31. I can't read it.
It's too dark in here.Copy !req
32. Is it another summons
for jury duty?Copy !req
33. Just tell them I'm dead.Copy !req
34. Oh, no.
It's something very cool.Copy !req
35. I had your DNA tested.Copy !req
36. A lab tested it.Copy !req
37. How did they get the DNA?Copy !req
38. Did they steal my semen?Copy !req
39. - What? No.
- I won't have my semen
stolen again.Copy !req
40. No, I don't, I don't...Copy !req
41. No, I don't even know
what that story is.Copy !req
42. No, this is all very scientific.Copy !req
43. Huh. Okay.Copy !req
44. Well, the story isCopy !req
45. some witches decided
to steal my semenCopy !req
46. and put it into a semen spell.Copy !req
47. But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.Copy !req
48. But this seems
much more aboveboard, so...Copy !req
49. This just uses science
to find outCopy !req
50. where your ancestors came from.Copy !req
51. It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.Copy !req
52. Living relatives?Copy !req
53. Here's yours.Copy !req
54. You have...Copy !req
55. Oh, wow.Copy !req
56. - What?
- You have...Copy !req
57. 200,000 direct
living descendants.Copy !req
58. That's a lot.Copy !req
59. I'm a granddad?Copy !req
60. Well, technically, you're a...Copy !req
61. great-granddad times 30.Copy !req
62. Becoming a vampire cameCopy !req
63. at a strange time in my life.Copy !req
64. I was married at the timeCopy !req
65. to 37 women.Copy !req
66. My 37 wives weren't very happyCopy !req
67. about the changes
I was going through.Copy !req
68. I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.Copy !req
69. Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.Copy !req
70. Put a strain on all of us.Copy !req
71. Then they left,Copy !req
72. all 37 of them.Copy !req
73. It was a sad night for me,Copy !req
74. because I really loved
35 of them.Copy !req
75. In those days,Copy !req
76. fathers didn't really
look after their children.Copy !req
77. It was down to the women.Copy !req
78. And in some cases,
a couple of friendly wolves.Copy !req
79. - I did try to visit
my children, but...Copy !req
80. they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...Copy !req
81. I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.Copy !req
82. Hey, kiddies.Copy !req
83. Hey, you've got my nose.Copy !req
84. That's the last time I saw them.Copy !req
85. Probably dead now, I suppose.Copy !req
86. And another cool thing is,
you can find outCopy !req
87. if any of them live near you.Copy !req
88. You have one of themCopy !req
89. living right here
in Staten Island.Copy !req
90. Madeline.Copy !req
91. Exciting.Copy !req
92. - Why are we going
to the library?
- This better be good, Nandor.Copy !req
93. - How long is this gonna take?
- I was cleaning my skull.Copy !req
94. Not long, not long. Thank you.Copy !req
95. Everyone, I have
some very exciting news.Copy !req
96. Guillermo has had my DNA tested.Copy !req
97. You need to be careful
that's not evil witches tryingCopy !req
98. - to pinch your semen.
- Yes. Witches
are semen stealers.Copy !req
99. There's no semen-stealing.Copy !req
100. It's very official.Copy !req
101. It came in an envelope.Copy !req
102. I actually had
everyone's DNA tested.Copy !req
103. How did you get our DNACopy !req
104. - without us knowing?
- You literally leave it
laying everywhere,Copy !req
105. so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.Copy !req
106. No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.Copy !req
107. - You sure you
don't want to open it?
- Don't test me!Copy !req
108. Okay, forget that.Copy !req
109. - So, Laszlo...
- Don't you dare.Copy !req
110. - You don't want to...?
- Bugger off.Copy !req
111. - That's not very nice.Copy !req
112. Okay. Colin Robinson.Copy !req
113. - Ding, ding, ding.
- There you go.Copy !req
114. Could I get a drumroll first?Copy !req
115. - No.
- No.
- Nope.Copy !req
116. Fine. I'll do my own.Copy !req
117. Frankly, I would be flatteredCopy !req
118. if witches collected my semen.Copy !req
119. It says here thatCopy !req
120. I am 100% white.Copy !req
121. People are
from all different places.Copy !req
122. It just can't say "white"
on your paper.Copy !req
123. Oh, wow. "100% white."Copy !req
124. No other nuance.Copy !req
125. Tell them my other news,
Guillermo.Copy !req
126. Okay. He has over two hundred...Copy !req
127. 200,000 direct descendants
living today!Copy !req
128. Fucking hell.
Well done, chap.Copy !req
129. Thank you, Laszlo.Copy !req
130. Congratulations, Nandor.
That is some very exciting seed.Copy !req
131. - Yes.
- But I'm telling you, don't let
the witches find out about it.Copy !req
132. They'll be coming for you.Copy !req
133. - No...
- That is top-quality seed.Copy !req
134. And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.Copy !req
135. I'm telling you,
they're coming for more.Copy !req
136. They use it to make magnets.Copy !req
137. I'm a granddad.Copy !req
138. - COLIN: You know...
- NANDOR: Don't ruin it.Copy !req
139. Oh, I-I wouldn't
think of ruining it.Copy !req
140. - Thank you.
- The great Genghis KhanCopy !req
141. - I knew it.
- has over 16 million
living descendants.Copy !req
142. Now, that's a seed.Copy !req
143. You just have to bring up
Genghis Khan.Copy !req
144. Do any of his relatives
live nearby?Copy !req
145. Actually, yes.Copy !req
146. Uh, he has a great-times-30
granddaughterCopy !req
147. who lives here in Staten Island.Copy !req
148. So did you get your DNA tested,
Guillermo?Copy !req
149. I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interestedCopy !req
150. - in finding out the results.
- Yes. Probably not.Copy !req
151. Thank you for attending.Copy !req
152. I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.Copy !req
153. 3.12% Dutch.Copy !req
154. That's pretty cool.Copy !req
155. This basically shows
my family tree.Copy !req
156. There's the Dutch family,Copy !req
157. and the name is Van Helsing.Copy !req
158. That's...Copy !req
159. that's actually really funny.Copy !req
160. Uh, 'cause I don't know
if you're familiar with, uh,Copy !req
161. who Van Helsing is...Copy !req
162. The most notorious
vampire killer.Copy !req
163. I have Van Helsing DNA
in my blood,Copy !req
164. which is...Copy !req
165. But he's not real, so...Copy !req
166. He's not real.Copy !req
167. Is he?Copy !req
168. I mean, vampires are real,Copy !req
169. but...Copy !req
170. I suppose there could be
a vampire...Copy !req
171. Oh, wow.Copy !req
172. I love vampires.Copy !req
173. I-I...Copy !req
174. I killed two accidentally.Copy !req
175. - Stay back!Copy !req
176. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
177. My tummy feels weird.Copy !req
178. Just...Copy !req
179. I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...Copy !req
180. I had, um...Copy !req
181. garlic.Copy !req
182. When I was a human man,Copy !req
183. I had rosy cheeks,
yet in between those cheeks,Copy !req
184. there was never a smile.Copy !req
185. And then, one night,
everything changed.Copy !req
186. Nadja came through the windowCopy !req
187. and took my life.Copy !req
188. She opened a window to my soulCopy !req
189. and let the darkness in.Copy !req
190. I'm creating something
very special for her.Copy !req
191. It's yet to take shape.Copy !req
192. When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.Copy !req
193. I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?Copy !req
194. - Uh, actually...
- What the fuck
have you got in your hand?Copy !req
195. Put that down!Copy !req
196. That's a wooden stake,
you dickhead!Copy !req
197. Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...Copy !req
198. Get them out of my sight now,
you smart-ass.Copy !req
199. - Okay.
- Where did you get them from?Copy !req
200. - Amazon, so...
- Well, then you get in your car,Copy !req
201. and you drive back
to the Amazon.Copy !req
202. That's not how that w...
It's online.Copy !req
203. Shut your mouth,
and tie this thing up.Copy !req
204. Fucking halfwit.Copy !req
205. Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.Copy !req
206. Tighter!Copy !req
207. So, Nandor has
200,000 descendants.Copy !req
208. Still far fewer than,
uh, Genghis Khan.Copy !req
209. Um, so we're gonna go visit one.Copy !req
210. Her name is Madeline.Copy !req
211. I'm going to float up
to her window and see her.Copy !req
212. Not going
to introduce myself yet.Copy !req
213. Don't want to frighten her.Copy !req
214. I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.Copy !req
215. Going to give her some gifts.Copy !req
216. Got her a little teddy bear.Copy !req
217. Ugh. You know what?Copy !req
218. This isn't working,
me being supportive.Copy !req
219. I feel like
I am literally eating myself.Copy !req
220. Ugh!Copy !req
221. It is time.Copy !req
222. Don't tap on the window.Copy !req
223. I see her. She's asleep.Copy !req
224. How does she look, Master?Copy !req
225. She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.Copy !req
226. That-That's what I was trying
to tell you— she's 94.Copy !req
227. - So young!
- COLIN: Don't tap on the window.Copy !req
228. She is stirring.
I'm going to tap on the window.Copy !req
229. - No.
- N-No, Master,
don't tap on the window.Copy !req
230. Madeline!Copy !req
231. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!Copy !req
232. - Oh, crap.
- Wakey, wakey!Copy !req
233. Ah.Copy !req
234. She's awake.Copy !req
235. Come to me, my little one.Copy !req
236. Come, look, this is for you.Copy !req
237. Your grandpappy is here.Copy !req
238. Say hello.Copy !req
239. - This is...Copy !req
240. Oh, no.Copy !req
241. I knew I shouldn't have tapped
on her window,Copy !req
242. but you goaded me.Copy !req
243. If, by "goading,"
you mean my saying,Copy !req
244. "Under no circumstances
should you tap on her window,"Copy !req
245. then, yes, I goaded you.Copy !req
246. Yes, exactly. You see,Copy !req
247. you are a goader,
Guillermo is a goader.Copy !req
248. You saw an opportunity to goad
and what did you do?Copy !req
249. - You goaded it.
- Okay.Copy !req
250. Guillermo!Copy !req
251. What is this feelingCopy !req
252. I am feeling?Copy !req
253. It's grief, Master!Copy !req
254. Grief?Copy !req
255. - I don't care for it.Copy !req
256. Wait, wait. Nandor!Copy !req
257. How am I supposed
to get down, Nandor?Copy !req
258. You goaded me, and now
you got to take the stairs!Copy !req
259. This is why you don't
get attached to humans.Copy !req
260. They don't last long.Copy !req
261. It is like with my sweet Gregor.Copy !req
262. He is reborn and then he dies.Copy !req
263. And again and again and again.Copy !req
264. And every time he comes back,
our love is reignitedCopy !req
265. like a big ball of flames,Copy !req
266. - and then
he is brutally decapitated.Copy !req
267. Look at this one.Copy !req
268. Such a beautiful head of hair.Copy !req
269. I like it when he's subservient,Copy !req
270. but not like this.Copy !req
271. Hello!
Num, num, num, num, num.Copy !req
272. I have to be very
careful in case Laszlo sees.Copy !req
273. - Nadja.Copy !req
274. - Nadja! Nadja!Copy !req
275. I'm Gregor!Copy !req
276. Nadja!Copy !req
277. Nadja?Copy !req
278. Nadja!Copy !req
279. Hey! Hey!
Goddamn it. Call the cops.Copy !req
280. Nandor has invited us
to join him at the funeralCopy !req
281. of his descendant Madeline.Copy !req
282. - NADJA: Wait. It's in a church?
- LASZLO: Oh, bloody hell.Copy !req
283. - Well, of course.
It's a funeral.
- But hang on.Copy !req
284. It's night. Shouldn't there be
no one in there?Copy !req
285. I got it changed
to later in the evening.Copy !req
286. - Asshole.
- How did you do that?Copy !req
287. I... called in a bomb scare.Copy !req
288. - I can't go in there.
- No.Copy !req
289. Do it for Madeline.Copy !req
290. Look at the pictures
on the glass.Copy !req
291. It's the Jeebus man.Copy !req
292. Thought of going
in a church— a church—Copy !req
293. makes me nervous
to say the word.Copy !req
294. I just...Copy !req
295. You know, this...
Not much scares me,Copy !req
296. but this...Copy !req
297. She can go in.
Why can't we? Look at...Copy !req
298. - Because she's not a vampire!
- Look at her.Copy !req
299. I'm a vampire.
I can go in.Copy !req
300. Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.Copy !req
301. We find it to be
fertile feeding ground.Copy !req
302. - No! Ooh!
- NADJA: Wonderful, Colin.Copy !req
303. Can you go in
and pay our respects,Copy !req
304. and we'll just stand here?Copy !req
305. This is not
about feeding ground.Copy !req
306. This is about
my great-great-great-great-Copy !req
307. great-great-
great-great-great-great-Copy !req
308. great-great-granddaughter.
Please.Copy !req
309. - Please?Copy !req
310. - Fuck it. Fine.Copy !req
311. - Madeline.
- Again, it's okay
for me to go in.Copy !req
312. I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.Copy !req
313. - NANDOR: Madeline.
- NADJA: Laszlo.Copy !req
314. - PRIEST: And it is with
great sadnessCopy !req
315. and tremendous remorseCopy !req
316. that we say goodbye
to Madeline Darvish.Copy !req
317. She did not have children
of her own,Copy !req
318. but many considered her
a mother figure.Copy !req
319. - Please rise.
- NADJA: Motherfucking rise.Copy !req
320. - Then you rise.
- You rise.Copy !req
321. - I really appreciate you coming.
- PRIEST: The Lord
is my shepherd.Copy !req
322. - I shall not want...
- Nandor, we got
to get out of here.Copy !req
323. Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.Copy !req
324. Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.Copy !req
325. You look great.Copy !req
326. - I got to get out.Copy !req
327. - I can't do this.Copy !req
328. It is a lovely service,
but I'm on fire.Copy !req
329. Your rod and your staff...Copy !req
330. - they comfort me.
- Thank you for coming, Nadja.Copy !req
331. Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.Copy !req
332. Thank you, Colin Robinson.Copy !req
333. And I will dwell in the house
of the Lord forever.Copy !req
334. - Please be seated.Copy !req
335. Guillermo.Copy !req
336. Guillermo, I'm on fire.
Get some water.Copy !req
337. Water.Copy !req
338. Aah!Copy !req
339. So sad. I...Copy !req
340. really miss her.Copy !req
341. That was holy water, Guillermo.Copy !req
342. Are you trying to kill me?Copy !req
343. She died too young.Copy !req
344. If anyoneCopy !req
345. from the family would likeCopy !req
346. to say a few words,Copy !req
347. - n-now would be a good time.Copy !req
348. Good night, my darling.Copy !req
349. Good night, my darling.Copy !req
350. West on Jefferson Avenue,Copy !req
351. got a late model
red station wagon.Copy !req
352. 10-96. Escaped mental patient.Copy !req
353. - So, my boy Sean...
- Ca-caw!Copy !req
354. came to the corner store
down on Eastern ParkwayCopy !req
355. to get some Twizzlers,
but they only had a family size.Copy !req
356. - Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
- What, man? I'm telling a...Copy !req
357. - Yo! Whoa!
- TEEN 2: What the fu...?
Dude, what?Copy !req
358. Holy shit. Oh, my God.Copy !req
359. Whoa!Copy !req
360. - TEEN 2: Dude, holy... Yo...Copy !req
361. - TEEN 1: Holy shit! Oh, my God.
- TEEN 2: Oh! Look at that!Copy !req
362. - TEEN 1: Look at that.
- TEEN 2: Holy shit.Copy !req
363. Nadja!Copy !req
364. - TEEN 1: Are you okay?
- TEEN 2: Holy shit.Copy !req
365. Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.Copy !req
366. - TEEN 1: Hey, hey, hey.
- TEEN 2: Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
367. - TEEN 1: Oh!
- TEEN 2: Oh, my God.Copy !req
368. Nadja!Copy !req
369. That's not-that's not
yours. Hey!
- TEEN 2: Dude!Copy !req
370. Hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
371. - TEEN 1: Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- TEEN 2: Stop!Copy !req
372. Nadja?Copy !req
373. Nadja!Copy !req
374. Nadja!Copy !req
375. Shit.Copy !req
376. Nadja!Copy !req
377. - Jesk?
- Nadja.Copy !req
378. - Oh...
- My Nadja. I heard your call.Copy !req
379. - Shh.
- My destiny has brought me here,Copy !req
380. - and it is to be with you.
- Oh.Copy !req
381. Jesk, uh,
you-you shouldn't be here.Copy !req
382. - My husband lives here.
- Husband?Copy !req
383. And he is very big, wide man,Copy !req
384. - and he loves to bite.
- I don't give a shit.Copy !req
385. - He loves to bite...
- Our destiny cannot be denied.Copy !req
386. - Who's this, my darling?
- Well... Oh...Copy !req
387. A gentleman caller?Copy !req
388. Uh, no. This is just my friend
from the park.Copy !req
389. We're having a quick catch-up.Copy !req
390. I am here for Nadja.Copy !req
391. Nadja... is my wife.Copy !req
392. I should cut your head off.Copy !req
393. Oh, L-Laszlo,
you don't need to do that.Copy !req
394. I always have.Copy !req
395. - Wait, what?
- What?Copy !req
396. I know who you are.Copy !req
397. Outward appearance
may have changed.Copy !req
398. The pattern remains the same.Copy !req
399. You get reborn,
you try and find her,Copy !req
400. and I cut your head off.Copy !req
401. - Oh, shit.Copy !req
402. When I was a street thief?Copy !req
403. I had the cleaver in my hand.Copy !req
404. When I was a naval officer?Copy !req
405. I was on board that ship
with a cutlass.Copy !req
406. - JEFF: When I was atopCopy !req
407. - that horse
in the battlefield in...
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
408. - That was me.Copy !req
409. The Amazon explorer?Copy !req
410. Guess who tipped off
the natives.Copy !req
411. - When I was a mouse?
- I was a cat.Copy !req
412. When he was a washer woman?Copy !req
413. - We can do this all night.
- Really?Copy !req
414. - You're an evil genius.
- My darling,Copy !req
415. every time doughboy turns up,
you start crying.Copy !req
416. Now, I'm not having that.Copy !req
417. You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.Copy !req
418. Aw. Crazy knight in...Copy !req
419. shining black coat.Copy !req
420. Oh, Laszlo.Copy !req
421. Well, this is fucked up.Copy !req
422. - Should we get on with it?
- No. No.Copy !req
423. Let him have at least
one full life, my darling.Copy !req
424. Is this what you want?Copy !req
425. Why... y-yes.Copy !req
426. I suggest you fuck offCopy !req
427. and never darken
our doorstep again.Copy !req
428. My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?Copy !req
429. - Goodbye.Copy !req
430. May-Maybe I'll see you
in the next life.Copy !req
431. - Yeah, maybe you won't.
- Oh, okay. All right.Copy !req
432. All right, all right.
I'm going.Copy !req
433. - May-Maybe you will.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
434. Now, my darling.
I've created something for you.Copy !req
435. Here's your surprise.Copy !req
436. It's me.Copy !req
437. - It is the most beautiful thing
- That's it.Copy !req
438. - my eyes has ever witnessed.
- I'm out of here.Copy !req
439. Farewell, my love...Copy !req
440. - LASZLO: Ooh!Copy !req
441. - Bloody not.
- Laszlo, what theCopy !req
442. - fucking hell have you done?
- No, no, no, no, my darling.Copy !req
443. I swear,
that had nothing to do with me.Copy !req
444. Aw. Ew.Copy !req
445. I'll leave you some time
alone with...Copy !req
446. whatever his name is.Copy !req
447. Oh, Gregor,Copy !req
448. thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.Copy !req
449. Guillermo?Copy !req
450. - Yes, Master?
- You all right?Copy !req
451. I'm just tired, Master.Copy !req
452. You sure?Copy !req
453. Yes, I'm sure.
Time for bed.Copy !req
454. What was the results
of your ancestry test?Copy !req
455. Just...
stereotypical... Mexican.Copy !req
456. - Piñata farmers.
- Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
457. There's nothing
to be ashamed of.Copy !req
458. People love piñatas.Copy !req
459. Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.Copy !req
460. Thank you, Master.Copy !req
461. Thank you for helping me tonight
on my saddest night.Copy !req
462. Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!Copy !req
463. Do you remember that?
It really burned!Copy !req
464. - Sorry.
- Why would you do that?Copy !req
465. Outrageous!Copy !req
466. Aah, my burns!Copy !req
467. From the holy water
that you threw on me.Copy !req
468. That is one demerit point
for you,Copy !req
469. and one more year
as my familiar.Copy !req
470. Good night.Copy !req
471. - Guillermo?
- Hmm?Copy !req
472. You're having a serious thought?Copy !req
473. No.Copy !req
474. Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.Copy !req
475. Good night.Copy !req
476. Good night, Master.Copy !req