Watchmen 1x3

1. Thank you.

2. One moment while we connect you

3. to the Trieu Sat Orbital Array.

4. Stand by for connection to Mars antenna

5. in five, four, three, two...

6. Uplink complete.

7. You are now transmitting.

8. Pick up the receiver

9. and begin speaking at any time.

10. Dr. Manhattan is listening.

11. Hey. It's me again.

12. I've got a joke.

13. Stop me if you've heard this one.

14. There's this guy. He's a bricklayer.

15. He's really good at it.

16. He's a real master of his craft

17. because he's precise.

18. Every brick has its place.

19. Anyway, this guy has a daughter and

20. he's gonna teach her to be a bricklayer

21. because, after all,

22. all a man has is his legacy.

23. So, dad decides to build a barbecue

24. in the backyard.

25. He does the math.

26. He figures out exactly what he needs.

27. And he shows the daughter

28. how to do everything.

29. Step by step.

30. And when he finishes, it's a beauty.

31. It's a perfect barbecue,

32. just the way he drew it

33. in the blueprints.

34. Only one problem...

35. There's a brick left over.

36. One single brick.

37. The guy freaks out.

38. He must've done something wrong.

39. He's gonna have to start all over again.

40. So, he picks up his sledgehammer

41. to knock the thing to pieces

42. and suddenly, his daughter says,

43. "Daddy, wait.

44. I have an idea."

45. She picks up the orphan brick

46. and she throws it up into the air,

47. as high as she can.

48. And... and...

49. Good morning. How may I help you?

50. And then, she...

51. Shit.

52. I messed it up.

53. Okay, uh...

54. Forget that joke.

55. Can I... Can I tell you another one?

56. Money from the fucking drawers, now!

57. Everyone, on the goddamn floor!

58. Money, fucking now!

59. Back the fuck off.

60. Release the hostage. It's over.

61. How'd you know we were gonna be here?

62. Did you get an anonymous tip?

63. What?

64. Oh, shit.

65. What if it was the FBI?

66. Because what you're doing right now,

67. vigilantism, it's illegal.

68. So, it would be super smart for

69. federal law enforcement to tip you off

70. that this bank was about to be robbed.

71. Of course, you couldn't know

72. you were being set up.

73. Otherwise, you wouldn't walk

74. right into their trap, right?

75. Shit.

76. What?

77. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand back.

78. This is a crime scene.

79. - Nice work.

80. - Give me your cuffs.

81. Hey, Blake.

82. How'd you know his body armor

83. would stop the bullets?

84. For your own safety

85. and integrity of the crime scene.

86. - Please stand back.

87. - Bullshit. Bullshit.

88. Hey! Why are you arresting him?

89. He's a hero!

90. Please stand back.

91. He's not a hero.

92. He's a fucking joke.

93. Ah, you fucking pig.

94. Play Devo.

95. Stop Devo.

96. - Senator Keene.

97. - Agent Blake.

98. Sorry to bother you at home.

99. - I left three messages at your office.

100. - I wasn't at my office.

101. Clearly. I heard

102. you caught The Revenger.

103. - Congrats.

104. - Just "Revenger." No "The."

105. And I got him last month.

106. Today was Mister Shadow.

107. Well, shit, Blake.

108. On behalf of the American taxpayer,

109. thank you for keeping our streets safe

110. from rich assholes playing dress-up.

111. You're quite welcome.

112. - May I come in?

113. - You may.

114. - Can I peek?

115. - Watch your fingers.

116. - What's his name?

117. - Who.

118. The owl.

119. Who. That's his name. Ask him yourself.

120. Can you get someone to take care of him

121. while you're out of town?

122. Am I going out of town, Joe?

123. Tomorrow, the deputy director

124. is gonna send you down to Tulsa

125. to take lead on an investigation.

126. - And you know this...

127. - 'Cause I asked him to.

128. - What am I investigating?

129. - Chief of police got hung.

130. Hanged. You knew him?

131. A little. He was a good man.

132. His wife ran my Senate campaign.

133. Folks assume The Seventh Kavalry did it.

134. But that's not what you assume?

135. Seven-K always takes credit

136. when they kill a cop,

137. and not a peep from them on this.

138. - You think it was a vigilante?

139. - Sure could be.

140. - Why?

141. - Call it professional jealousy.

142. Vigilantes already see cops

143. as the enemy,

144. now they got mask envy on top.

145. Well, maybe you shouldn't have

146. put the cops in masks, Joe.

147. It works.

148. Crime's down 80% in Tulsa

149. since we passed DOPA,

150. - and other cities—

151. - You called it DOPA?

152. The Defense of Police Act.

153. And it's such a great acronym

154. that other cities

155. wanna jump on board and pilot it.

156. Atlanta, New Orleans,

157. even goddamn Denver. Masks save lives.

158. My reputation,

159. my name is built on that idea.

160. Now those cops have kept the peace

161. down there for three years.

162. And now someone's trying to start a war.

163. And if they do, it all goes to shit.

164. And you don't get to be President.

165. You know, Laurie,

166. President can pardon anybody he wants.

167. Anybody.

168. He could even get your owl

169. out of that cage.

170. Fucking Oklahoma.

171. Okay. Forget the brick.

172. New joke.

173. Three heroes die and they all show up

174. at the pearly gates.

175. God's there to decide

176. what their eternal fate shall be.

177. Heaven or Hell.

178. Our first hero

179. is dressed up like a big owl.

180. And God says to him, "I gifted you

181. the ability

182. to make fantastic inventions,

183. what did you do

184. with this amazing talent?"

185. And owl guy says, "I made

186. this really awesome flying ship,

187. and lots of cool outfits and weapons

188. so that I could bring peace

189. to the city."

190. God asks,

191. "So, how many people did you kill?"

192. Owl guy seems offended.

193. "Zero," he says,

194. "I... I didn't take a single life."

195. God frowns.

196. "Sorry, owl guy,

197. your heart's in the right place,

198. but you're just too soft."

199. God snaps his fingers...

200. And the hero goes to Hell.

201. Seventh Kavalry.

202. Apparently,

203. it's a Custer's Last Stand thing,

204. but who gives a shit? They're just

205. the Klan with different masks.

206. They first popped up after the Victims

207. of Racial Violence Act was passed.

208. African-Americans come to Tulsa

209. to claim their benefits,

210. they buy land, start businesses.

211. And we all know how accommodating

212. white folks are

213. when people of color dare to prosper.

214. But in Robbie Redford's America,

215. the cops protect everybody.

216. So, they push back.

217. They ID everyone in Tulsa

218. who's supremacist-adjacent.

219. Search their houses, take the guns,

220. even the grandfathered ones.

221. But obviously they missed a few.

222. What the hell is this?

223. Oh, it's, uh,

224. an excerpt from Rorschach's journal.

225. The Kavalry wears his mask, sir.

226. I just thought...

227. for psychological context,

228. you might want to—

229. Is it the 1980s, Petey?

230. - No, sir.

231. - Then who gives a shit about Rorschach?

232. Next slide.

233. Coordinated simultaneous attacks

234. at the homes of Tulsa PD.

235. Not just the cops. Their families too.

236. Only a few survivors,

237. including Judd Crawford.

238. Couple others get shot and stay.

239. The rest of the force quits.

240. And there's no way to recruit new cops

241. because how do you guarantee

242. the Kavalry won't just do it again?

243. Enter Senator Giddyup.

244. If y'all can fight fire with fire,

245. y'all can fight mask with mask.

246. Bright yellow ones.

247. So...

248. the cops hide their faces,

249. and the bad guys

250. don't know where they live.

251. And who doesn't want a secret identity?

252. Right, Blake?

253. Right, boss.

254. Peace returns to Tulsa,

255. until last week.

256. Cut to...

257. Chief Judd Crawford in a tree,

258. H-A-N-G-I-N-G.

259. Lights.

260. Blake's running point.

261. Jet's on the tarmac.

262. You're all wheels up in two hours.

263. - So, grab your—

264. - No, just me.

265. - What?

266. - Tulsa PD is never gonna cooperate

267. if an army of suits falls from the sky.

268. I can point all by myself.

269. Laurie.

270. You can't go in there alone.

271. Fine. I'll, uh, take...

272. him.

273. We're beginning

274. our descent into Tulsa.

275. Agents, please buckle up.

276. - I brought one too.

277. - It's got holes in it.

278. - Oh, it's not for sleeping.

279. In the briefing,

280. Director Farragut said...

281. Uh, I just thought,

282. if the police wear them,

283. "When in Rome," right?

284. Tulsa's not Rome.

285. And you're a federal agent,

286. not the Lone fucking Ranger.

287. Right.

288. Gotcha.

289. If you wanna take a look out the window,

290. we've got a bird's-eye view

291. of the Millennium Clock.

292. "Look on my Works, ye Mighty,

293. and despair!"

294. What?

295. That's what Lady Trieu said

296. at the groundbreaking for the clock.

297. A shout-out to Adrian Veidt

298. after she bought his company.

299. They finally declared him dead.

300. But got a buddy on the Argentina desk

301. who says Veidt got plastic surgery

302. and is now living incognito down there.

303. You knew him, right,

304. back in the old days,

305. when he was Ozymandias?

306. You want my autograph?

307. What?

308. Well, you clearly have

309. a hard-on for the past.

310. So, what do you want me to sign?

311. Uh, I wrote my graduate thesis

312. on the police strike of '77,

313. when you and your ex were in D.C.

314. And by ex, I mean Dr. Manhattan.

315. The most powerful being in existence.

316. Sorry for not pretending

317. that I don't know who you are

318. because we're supposed to leave

319. famous people alone.

320. But...

321. you brought me here, Agent Blake.

322. And before I was recruited by the FBI

323. to run the slide projector,

324. I had a PhD in History.

325. So...

326. please don't treat me

327. like I'm some kind of...

328. fan.

329. Yeah, I knew Adrian Veidt.

330. I too am not a fan.

331. Uh, where was I?

332. Mmm, oh, right, right.

333. The pearly gates await our next hero

334. in line for almighty judgment.

335. Our hero number two is confident

336. he can game this out,

337. because that's his

338. God-given talent. Smarts.

339. Some might even say

340. he was the smartest man in the world.

341. "So, what did you do with that big brain

342. I gave you?" asks God.

343. "Well, as a matter of fact,

344. I saved humanity," says Smarty-Pants.

345. "Well, how did you do that?" asks God.

346. "Well, I dropped a giant alien squid

347. on New York.

348. And everybody was so afraid of it,

349. they stopped

350. being afraid of each other."

351. "Okay, " says God.

352. "How many people did you kill?"

353. Smarty-Pants smiles.

354. "Three million, give or take.

355. But you can't make an omelette

356. without breaking a couple of eggs."

357. "Christ, " God says.

358. "You're a fucking monster."

359. "Am not," says Smarty-Pants.

360. God snaps his fingers.

361. The hero goes to Hell.

362. Maybe it's the wrong warehouse?

363. Yeah? Is that what your PhD in History

364. tells you?

365. Here. Don't eat those.

366. Wait here.

367. Oh, uh, right. Shouldn't I...

368. Hey, there.

369. What are you guys up to?

370. Who the fuck are you?

371. Special Agent Laurie Blake.

372. Who the fuck are you?

373. Pirate Jenny.

374. Red Scare.

375. Wow, cool.

376. Sir, I'm with the FBI.

377. Are your civil rights being violated?

378. Uh, yes, ma'am.

379. These people came into my place

380. of business and they just grabbed me.

381. - They didn't read me my rights.

382. - Okay. Sorry.

383. I was just kidding. I don't care.

384. Uh, I'm looking for someone

385. named Looking Glass.

386. Is he in there?

387. Shut your mouth! Shut up!

388. Open your mouth.

389. Looking Glass is in the pod.

390. He expecting you?

391. Well, I sure hope not.

392. For the safety of our officers,

393. we're gonna have to put

394. the blindfold back on you,

395. before we can send you back.

396. He's clear. Take him off the board.

397. I know there's a line,

398. but could I go next?

399. - Please don't touch—

400. - What does this thing do?

401. It's complicated.

402. Try me.

403. It determines and exposes

404. negative cultural biases

405. to which a suspect

406. might otherwise not admit.

407. - So, it's a racist detector.

408. - That's an oversimplification.

409. So, I'm guessing all these blindfolded

410. gentlemen and ladies out here

411. are suspected Seventh Kavalry?

412. Any of them confess

413. to murdering your chief?

414. Not as of yet, no.

415. Uh, sorry. I got a seed stuck there

416. or something.

417. You know, you wear a mirror

418. on your face, people are gonna use it.

419. Or you could just

420. take that silly mask off, Wade.

421. Or do you prefer "Detective Tillman"?

422. Wade's fine.

423. May I have the control back, please?

424. How may I help you, Agent Blake?

425. Tell me about your chief's autopsy.

426. Ligature marks. Petechial hemorrhaging.

427. Combined asphyxia and venous congestion.

428. Absolutely zero doubt he was hanged.

429. Was there a tox screen?

430. I'm guessing you've read the report,

431. so you know there ain't.

432. Why ain't there?

433. No need. Cause of death is clear.

434. You're right. Totally is.

435. So, this raid the other night,

436. at the cattle ranch...

437. I wasn't there.

438. Yes, I know.

439. But the report says you got the location

440. from a suspect here

441. in the racist detector.

442. It's not a...

443. If you've read the report,

444. you've watched the tapes.

445. And if you've watched the tapes,

446. you know he didn't talk.

447. Oh, you're smart, Wade.

448. Okay. So,

449. who did he give the location to?

450. Sister Night obtained the intel

451. in a secondary interrogation.

452. Is that Tulsa

453. for "beat the shit out of him"?

454. I did not personally observe

455. any violence against the suspect.

456. So, this Sister Night.

457. That'd be Angela Abar?

458. Yes, it would.

459. Is she around?

460. She took a personal day

461. to work on a eulogy

462. for the chief's funeral.

463. Jesus. When's that?

464. In a couple hours.

465. Well, guess I better change

466. into something darker.

467. Okay.

468. We're down to the nitty-gritty now.

469. One hero left.

470. God cracks his knuckles,

471. ready to administer the final reckoning.

472. Now, hero number three

473. is pretty much a God himself.

474. So, for the sake of telling them apart,

475. he's blue,

476. and he likes to stroll around

477. with his dick hanging out.

478. He can teleport.

479. He can see the future.

480. He can blow shit up.

481. He's got actual superpowers.

482. So, regular God asks blue God,

483. "What have you done with these gifts?"

484. And blue God says,

485. "I fell in love with a woman.

486. I walked across the Sun.

487. And then, I fell in love

488. with another woman.

489. I won the Vietnam War.

490. But mostly, I just stopped giving

491. a shit about humanity."

492. God sighs.

493. "Do I even need to ask

494. how many people you've killed?"

495. Blue God shrugs.

496. "A live body and a dead body

497. have the same number of particles,

498. so it doesn't matter.

499. And it doesn't matter

500. how I answer your question,

501. because I know

502. you're sending me to Hell."

503. "How do you know that?" asks God.

504. Blue God sounds very...

505. very sad, when he softly says,

506. "Because I'm already there."

507. And so, a mere piston

508. in the inevitable machinery

509. of time and space,

510. God does what he did

511. and what he will do.

512. He snaps his fingers.

513. And the hero goes to Hell.

514. Y'all are gonna have to surrender

515. any firearms.

516. - We're federal—

517. - Give the man your gun, Petey.

518. Show some damn respect.

519. Stay there

520. or I will arrest your ass...

521. Angela Abar.

522. Laurie Blake, FBI.

523. So sorry for your loss.

524. Cal. Hi.

525. Do I know you?

526. No, no, no. You don't.

527. I'm sorry. We've never met,

528. but I heard that you were close

529. with the Crawfords,

530. and I'm here to help.

531. And I'm hoping that you and I

532. can grab some coffee

533. and talk sometime soon.

534. I'm not a cop anymore.

535. I retired three years ago.

536. I know and I totally understand.

537. You have a family,

538. and it's so dangerous.

539. Here, let me give you my card.

540. My pager is on there.

541. So, please feel free to give me a buzz.

542. Anti-Vigilante Task Force.

543. You know how you can tell the difference

544. between a masked cop and a vigilante?

545. No.

546. Me neither.

547. Again...

548. my deepest condolences.

549. Ready. Aim. Pull.

550. Ready. Aim. Pull.

551. Ready. Aim. Pull.

552. Well...

553. Thank you all for being here.

554. And, uh...

555. thank you for honoring my husband.

556. He loved this work.

557. But he...

558. loved all of you even more.

559. Angela...

560. I can't think of a better person

561. to speak about Judd

562. before we lay him to rest.

563. Most of you know the chief and me...

564. And I...

565. we both were shot on the same night.

566. So many others died.

567. We were lucky.

568. We knew

569. we might not always be lucky and...

570. we should be prepared.

571. So, we made a pact.

572. I told him what I would want him

573. to say at my funeral,

574. and he told me what to say at his.

575. I'm heading for the last roundup

576. Gonna saddle old Paint

577. For the last time and ride

578. So long, old pal

579. It's time your tears were dried

580. I'm heading for the last roundup

581. Git along little dogie

582. Git along, git along

583. Git along little dogie, git along

584. Git along little dogie

585. Git along, git along

586. Git along little dogie, git along

587. Git along little dogie

588. Git along, git along

589. Git along little dogie, git along

590. I'm heading for the last...

591. Nobody fucking move.

592. This device is connected to my heart.

593. So, if it stops beating,

594. you're all fucking dead.

595. Senator Joseph Keene Jr.

596. You are a race traitor that declared

597. open war on The Seventh Kavalry.

598. Surrender yourself or everyone dies!

599. Hey! What did I just fucking say?

600. Hey, just take it easy.

601. I'll do whatever you want.

602. Okay? Take it easy.

603. Here I am.

604. - Do not attempt to follow—

605. - Run!

606. Go, go, go, go.

607. Get up in the morning,

608. slaving for bread, sir

609. So that every mouth can be fed

610. Poor me Israelites, ah

611. Get up in the morning,

612. slaving for bread, sir

613. So that every mouth can be fed

614. Poor me Israelite

615. My wife and my kids,

616. they packed up and leave me

617. Darling, she said,

618. I was yours to be seen

619. Poor me Israelite

620. Shirt them a-tear up, trousers is gone

621. I don't want to end up

622. like Bonnie and Clyde

623. Poor me Israelite

624. After a storm there must be a calm

625. They catch me in the farm

626. You sound your alarm

627. Poor me Israelite

628. I said I get up in the morning,

629. slaving for bread, sir

630. So that every mouth can be fed

631. Poor me Israelites

632. I said my wife and my kids, they...

633. This...

634. is gonna be the one.

635. I feel it in my bones.

636. I never doubted you, Master.

637. That, Mr. Philips,

638. is because you are incapable of doubt.

639. Nevertheless,

640. I appreciate the sentiment.

641. Oh, my.

642. Are you ready to venture

643. into the great beyond?

644. Oh, yes, I am, sir.

645. Damn it.

646. Damn it.

647. Damn it.

648. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

649. Shit. Shit.

650. Fuck and motherfucking shit.

651. Fuck and damn it and motherfucking shit.

652. God.

653. What went wrong, Master?

654. I think we're gonna need a thicker skin.

655. For he's a jolly good fellow

656. - For he's a...

657. - For he's a jolly...

658. I'm so sorry to disturb you, Master.

659. But there's a letter.

660. From the Game Warden.

661. Read it to me.

662. Let's see what our adversary

663. has to say for himself.

664. - "Dear Master—"

665. - Dispense with the flowery pleasantries

666. and get to it.

667. "I beg your pardon, sir,

668. but when you first arrived here,

669. we agreed upon the terms

670. of your captivity.

671. Your recent behavior suggests

672. an intention to violate those terms."

673. - "As such,

674. if this behavior continues,

675. you will face grave consequences."

676. He's underscored "consequences."

677. "Know this.

678. The next shot I fire, sir,

679. will not be at your feet.

680. Please consider this

681. your first and only warning.

682. Thank you, again,

683. for the delicious tomatoes.

684. Your humble servant, the Game Warden."

685. To the typewriter, Crookshanks.

686. Let's see what this devious cur

687. is made of, shall we?

688. Oh, yes, we shall, Master.

689. Most honorable Game Warden,

690. - I beg your pardon, sir.

691. But you seem to suspect me

692. of criminal activities,

693. as if I were a dastardly forest brigand.

694. Or worse, some sort of

695. republic serial villain.

696. I am neither, sir.

697. And I assure you

698. that my activities

699. are purely

700. recreational in nature.

701. Furthermore, I would never imagine

702. to transgress the terms

703. upon which we agreed.

704. I am available

705. at your leisure and by your grace

706. to discuss this matter further

707. should you wish to

708. repeat your ridiculous accusations

709. in person.

710. That said, I'm pleased

711. you enjoyed the tomatoes.

712. All best wishes and...

713. encouragement.

714. Adrian Veidt.

715. What do you think, Ms. Crookshanks?

716. This will have him

717. quaking in his boots, Master.

718. I'll have it sent right away.

719. Have Mr. Philips restring my bow

720. and saddle up Bucephalus.

721. I hunt again at midnight.

722. I am not the hero here.

723. I'm only standing here

724. talking to you all right now

725. because of the swift

726. and fearless actions of law enforcement.

727. They are the heroes.

728. They kept me safe.

729. And I'll be damned if I won't keep

730. fighting to do the same for them.

731. You were targeted

732. by the Kavalry.

733. I reckon it's 'cause

734. nothing scares a terrorist

735. more than someone they can't terrify.

736. Can you comment on the Russians building

737. an intrinsic field generator?

738. Guys.

739. When they swore me in,

740. I promised to defend us

741. from all enemies, foreign and domestic.

742. But I represent the people

743. of the great state of Oklahoma

744. and the Russians ain't my problem.

745. The goddamn Seventh Kavalry is.

746. Right now, here is where the war is at.

747. And I won't be leaving till it's won.

748. Good night and God bless.

749. Well, he's got my vote.

750. Are you even old enough to vote?

751. So, can I get that autograph now or...

752. That was almost funny, Petey.

753. You drink any of that yet?

754. No, why?

755. How about that coffee now?

756. Where does it go?

757. Just outside the fence.

758. - Gotta be 300 meters long.

759. Must have used some kind of drill

760. to get it done that fast.

761. Oh, don't rule out extremist gophers.

762. How are your children?

763. Safe.

764. I thought he was bluffing.

765. Those fuckers always say the device

766. is rigged to their hearts,

767. and none of them

768. actually take the time to do it.

769. You saved us, thanks.

770. Crawford jumped on the grenade,

771. I just...

772. gave him a little push.

773. Yeah, well...

774. I sure as shit can't exhume him now.

775. That's not funny.

776. Sorry, I wasn't joking.

777. You guys just scheduled this funeral

778. so fast. Kind of weird,

779. considering it's an active murder

780. investigation, by the way, but, uh...

781. we were literally

782. gonna dig him up tomorrow.

783. Discreetly, of course.

784. Why?

785. Your chief was murdered

786. by The Seventh Kavalry,

787. I get it, there's a history.

788. But...

789. you still have to consider

790. other possibilities, right?

791. For instance,

792. I was at the crime scene earlier

793. and you know what I saw?

794. Tire tracks,

795. right at the base of the tree.

796. What kind of vehicle?

797. I'm sorry, did I say vehicle?

798. No, no, no.

799. No, um, it was a wheelchair.

800. And I get how you guys missed it.

801. You know, he was your chief,

802. he was your friend.

803. It's hard to do your job well

804. when you're that close to someone.

805. That's why I'm here.

806. Hey, did you know that he had

807. a secret compartment in his closet?

808. What?

809. Yeah, I was over there

810. talking to his wife.

811. And while I was there, I found this

812. secret fucking compartment.

813. Isn't that insane?

814. Why were you looking in his closet?

815. Oh. Well, when my dad was murdered,

816. they found a, uh...

817. secret compartment in his closet, so,

818. you know...

819. I always check.

820. Once in a while, pans out.

821. What was in it?

822. You tell me. What was in it?

823. How the fuck should I know?

824. Well...

825. his wife told me that you were the only

826. person in that bedroom since he died.

827. And, frankly, Angela...

828. You just don't strike me

829. as the fainting type.

830. Okay.

831. I'll tell you.

832. It was a bust. Just a big, naked bust.

833. That's it.

834. However,

835. I think there was something

836. on that bust.

837. I don't know, maybe your pal Judd

838. asked you to get rid of it

839. if something ever happened,

840. or, you know, maybe the two of you

841. were having an affair,

842. which makes no sense

843. 'cause your husband's fucking hot.

844. But whatever it is, this much I know.

845. Men who end up hanging from trees

846. with secret compartments

847. in their closets

848. tend to think of themselves

849. as good guys.

850. And those who protect them...

851. think they're good guys, too.

852. But here's the thing about me,

853. Sister Night.

854. I eat good guys for breakfast.

855. And so, it's been

856. a long day at the pearly gates.

857. All the heroes have gone to Hell.

858. His work done,

859. God's packing up to go home.

860. And then he notices someone waiting.

861. But it's not a hero, it's just a woman.

862. "Well, where did you come from?"

863. asks God.

864. "Oh, I was standing behind

865. those other guys the whole time...

866. you just didn't see me."

867. "Did I give you a talent?" God asks.

868. "Nope.

869. None to speak of, " says the woman.

870. God gives her a good long look.

871. "I'm so sorry.

872. I'm embarrassed.

873. Seriously, this almost never happens.

874. But...

875. I don't know who you are."

876. And the woman looks at God,

877. and she quietly says...

878. "I'm the little girl who threw

879. the brick in the air."

880. Then a sound from above,

881. something falling.

882. The brick.

883. God looks up.

884. But it's too late,

885. he never saw it coming.

886. It hits him so hard

887. his brains shoot out his nose.

888. Game over.

889. He's dead.

890. And where does God go when he dies?

891. He goes to Hell.

892. Roll on snare drum.

893. Curtains.

894. Good joke.

895. Sorry, your time is almost up.

896. You have 55 seconds

897. to complete your transmission.

898. I don't know why I keep coming

899. to these stupid phone booths

900. and telling you jokes.

901. It's not like you ever had

902. a sense of humor.

903. You're never gonna

904. hear this anyway, probably.

905. But sometimes it's...

906. You know, it's nice to...

907. Sometimes it's nice to pretend.

908. The assholes down here

909. still think you give a shit,

910. even though you've been living

911. on another fucking planet for 30 years.

912. But we're not really worth

913. giving a shit about anyway, are we?

914. Recording complete.

915. Thank you for being a platinum user

916. of the Blue Booth Network.

917. Your message will reach Mars

918. in approximately 40 seconds.

919. Good night and thank you

920. for contacting Dr. Manhattan.

921. Good night, Jon.

922. What the...