Wander Over Yonder 1x35

John Hodgman as Lord of Illumination (voice)

Wander is handing out gifts to every new friend he’s made and sneaks onto Lord Hater’s ship to give him and the Watchdogs gifts.

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1. All right!

2. That's it, run, you chickens, run!

3. For, here to destroy your fowl little lives

4. is none other than the Duke of Dread,

5. the Monarch of Mayhem, the Emperor of Evil,

6. Lord Hater!

7. Lord Hater!

8. Lord Hater!

9. I don't get it.

10. Oh, our leader Lord Hater was supposed to show up

11. and act all evil and stuff but—

12. Nobody move!

13. Lord Hater? Are you in here?

14. No.

15. Maybe. Go away.

16. Sir, you missed your cue.

17. The Cluckons won't surrender without you.

18. So? What's the point anyway?

19. What's the point?

20. Sir, if Cluckon falls, we'll control all of the Zegma System!

21. All of it! Just like we've always dreamed of doing!

22. ( mumbling ) I'm not feeling it anymore.

23. You are peeling apples to the core?

24. I'm not feeling it anymore.

25. Stealing pennies from the store?

26. I'm not feeling it anymore!

27. Earring fell on the floor?

28. ( clearly )I said I'm not feeling it anymore!

29. Evil used to be all... ( roaring )

30. Now it's just all...

31. Know what I mean?

32. Everybody back in the ship!

33. Nobody move, you're still almost conquered, okay?

34. We'll be right back.

35. So you're in a bit of a slump. That's fine.

36. Happens to everyone.

37. You just need to do something to remind yourself

38. how fun evil can be.

39. Something like—

40. Blowing up a moon.

41. Come on, I know you want to.

42. Blowing up a moon not doing it for you?

43. That's fine.

44. I ordered the citizens of Ionia 7

45. to make a giant statue of you out of themselves.

46. Eh?

47. What if we terrorize the Warrior Women of Amazonia?

48. That always cheers you up!

49. Eh?

50. Awaken the space demon Tormento?

51. It's Tormato!

52. Loot all the loot from Museopolis?

53. Eh.

54. Mess with Greg?

55. "Eh," it's all a big bunch of "eh."

56. ( sighs ) I'll be in my room.

57. Sir, listen we've been working really hard

58. on taking control of the Zegma System for months.

59. Cluckon is the last step,

60. and it's just sitting there, waiting to be conquered.

61. So?

62. So?

63. Get off your bony butt, do your stupid job,

64. and conquer 'em already!

65. I mean, you want to talk about it?

66. No, it's just... I don't know.

67. When did being evil become so complicated?

68. I mean, it used to be so cool, you know?

69. Back in the old days, just being a jerk,

70. cruising around the galaxy,

71. picking on the weak and defenseless.

72. It just made me feel so awesome!

73. And now I got this big ship,

74. and this army and these responsibilities.

75. You make the plans, the army conquers the planet,

76. and all I do is come in at the end

77. and do my big scary...

78. thing.

79. It's...

80. It's just no fun anymore.

81. Sir, I have an idea.

82. Ignition.

83. Rear-view mirrors.

84. Seat belts for safety.

85. Bet you didn't even know we restored your old van, huh?

86. Kinda cool, I guess.

87. What lame place are you taking me to now?

88. Oh, you'll see.

89. So you miss the old days, eh?

90. Need to be reminded of why you got into

91. evil in the first place, huh?

92. You mentioned the weak and defenseless.

93. Well, I'd like you to meet the Mooplexians.

94. Whoa, they're so dumb.

95. I mean, look at 'em, all weird and stuff!

96. Man, I just want to go up to their dumb faces and...

97. Rarrhh!

98. Well?

99. Rarrhh!

100. Peepers, that felt good.

101. I want more.

102. Yeah!

103. So dumb!

104. How you feeling now, sir? Bad?

105. So bad!

106. Take that!

107. Oh, you tell 'em, sir!

108. Yes!

109. I am back, baby!

110. Phew! Finally.

111. You hear that, universe, the Duke of Dread,

112. the Monarch of Mayhem,

113. the Emperor of Evil has returned!

114. Now with my mojo back, there is nothing that can stop

115. Lord Hater!

116. The greatest in all the galaxy!

117. Hate's great! Best villain!

118. Huh?

119. We tire of the sense of superiority

120. you seem to garner from picking on the physical shells

121. that we happen to inhabit.

122. Perhaps you need to see just how insignificant

123. your so-called greatness really is.

124. Little do you know

125. that we have evolved beyond impressive corporeal forms.

126. Our real lives are spent in our minds!

127. We sail the seas of cosmic consciousness,

128. a vast and endless ocean of knowledge

129. in which you are nothing more than a miniscule molecule

130. drowning in misunderstanding.

131. Now back in your van, sad little man,

132. and never forget how you, Lord Hater,

133. are so not the greatest in all the galaxy.

134. Now be off with you!

135. Oh, great and noble Mooplexians,

136. we humble ourselves

137. in the presence of your all-knowing wisdom.

138. Seriously, we came all this way to see these guys?

139. Ultimate cosmic knowledge comes in all shapes and sizes.

140. Forgive her!

141. She knows not what she does.

142. So how long do we have to stay down here?

143. At last.

144. The Lost Temple of Tagathoria!

145. Resting place of the light half of the all powerful

146. Sword of Synergy!

147. Which, when combined—

148. Which, when combined with my dark half,

149. graciously lent to me by the warrior monks of Malakar...

150. will give me the power to conquer...

151. the entire univer—

152. Too late, Hater!

153. The sword of synergy will soon be where it belongs.

154. In the hands of a true hero!

155. Brad Starlight!

156. I should have known you'd show up with your stupid chin

157. and your dumb cape!

158. It's not dumb! It's hand-stitched!

159. And my chin is perfect.

160. You'll never defeat me, Starlight!

161. You might as well give up now!

162. Not as long as there's an ounce of strength

163. left in my lithe, well-sculpted body!

164. Hey, hello.

165. Bradley! Hateley!

166. Buddies!

167. What are you sillies doing here?

168. Hey, I'm playing hide and seek with Sylvia.

169. Y'all wanna play too?

170. Okay. Come and get me!

171. Wander?

172. I can't believe he came here to stop me!

173. Whoa, whoa. Came here to stop you?

174. Uh, yeah, he's my greatest enemy.

175. Hey, guys, hide and seek, let's go!

176. Wander ruined my wedding!

177. If it wasn't for him,

178. I'd be married to a super pretty princess!

179. So? Wander ruined dozens of my plans,

180. one of which also involved my wedding!

181. Really? How?

182. His dumb friend Sylvia was in disguise.

183. You mean his steed.

184. You almost married his horse!

185. It was a very convincing disguise.

186. Bet you can't find me!

187. Want to put this whole sword thing on hold for a sec

188. and go destroy him?

189. So you're offering me your services to help me

190. in my quest to destroy Wander?

191. Yeah, sure, whatever—

192. By Zargo, I'm in.

193. To battle!

194. Here, follow me.

195. Great idea.

196. The scout goes first, the leader takes up the rear.

197. What— No, I'm the leader.

198. That's why I'm in the front.

199. Leading.

200. First one to find Wander is the leader!

201. You're getting colder!

202. Colder!

203. Colder!

204. Aw, come on,

205. you're practically living in an igloo!

206. Oh! Warmer!

207. Warmer! So warm!

208. Boiling hot like a whole lot of lava!

209. Aw, nope, cold again. Real frigid.

210. Whoa, whoa, whoa, are we just playing

211. hide and go seek right now?

212. We totally are! Just like he wanted!

213. This always happens! I hate him so much!

214. No matter.

215. I will devise a snare most devious

216. and force our quarry to come to us.

217. Hey, if we're doing traps, I'm totally the one in charge.

218. I'm, like, the best at traps.

219. Fine. Set your own snare.

220. We'll see who snares Wander first.

221. It shall be me to snare him.

222. I shall be the snare-master.

223. Stop saying snare!

224. Man, those guys are not very good at this game.

225. Now, Wander, that's not fair.

226. They might compensate for their poor seeking skills

227. by being spectacular hiders.

228. You never know.

229. Help!

230. Help me!

231. Gasp!

232. Someone is in need of help, I must be off!

233. ( in girly voice ) I'm in the most horrible trouble!

234. I need somebody to wander by and help me!

235. Please!

236. Oh, thank goodness!

237. A brave and noble do-gooder approaches—

238. (normal voice) To fall right into my trap!

239. Brad? Are you serious?

240. Fair maiden with skin of finest alabaster,

241. it is I, Brad Starlight.

242. I'm here to rescue you.

243. Brad, it's me.

244. Thank goodness I found you first.

245. For roaming these woods is an ill-tempered skeleton man,

246. as mean as he is ugly.

247. Oh, it's you.

248. That was your plan? Please!

249. That would have never worked! It just worked on you!

250. You totally just thought I was a stupid fair maiden.

251. A beautiful fair maiden.

252. I mean, can we try my plan now?

253. It's way better.

254. Fine. Whatever.

255. This is the exact same plan.

256. It certainly is not.

257. My high cheekbones make me a much more effective lure.

258. Also, I'm a redhead.

259. Time-out!

260. I have been hiding forever!

261. Are we even playing hide and seek?

262. Or are we playing some kinda dress-up game with each other?

263. Got you!

264. Well, technically, you gotta let me hide again first.

265. Leader.

266. Peepers! Come get me!

267. No, I don't have the sword but I captured Wander!

268. Long story! Ready to torture.

269. Not so fast, Hater!

270. Only one of us shall have the duty,

271. nay, privilege, nay, pleasure of destroying Wander!

272. And that's me! Sir Brad Star—

273. Snared!

274. Ha ha!

275. Um, if either of you all

276. need a refresher on the rules of hide and seek—

277. Quiet!

278. He's mine! No!

279. I hate you so much.

280. Well, I'm gonna go hide again so Sylvia can find me.

281. Y'all join in whenever you're ready.

282. That's enough.

283. You let him get away!

284. Me? Yeah, you!

285. If you'd just given me your half of the sword of synergy,

286. I could have destroyed him!

287. 4,999,997...

288. 4,999,998...

289. 4,999,999...

290. Five million.

291. Hoo boy, I sure love these "hide and seek" sessions.

292. Best idea I ever had.

293. Wander gets a game, I get a nap,

294. and everything works out just fine—

295. Uh-oh.

296. Yes!

297. We have assembled the sword of synergy!

298. And together!

299. Each contributing equally—

300. And taking exactly half the credit—

301. We will use it to destroy Wander!

302. Now where is he?

303. Aha!

304. Finally my—

305. I mean, our most hated enemy will be destroyed.

306. Even though this may be the end,

307. I'm just so happy the last thing I get to see

308. is good and evil putting aside their differences

309. to work together.

310. Stop being so positive!

311. Just ignore him, it's kind of his thing.

312. I'm serious!

313. Brad, it's so nice that you talked Hater

314. over to the side of good.

315. Say what now?

316. Why, thank you, Wander.

317. He is quite the scoundrel. Hold on!

318. If anything, I converted you to the side of evil.

319. Please!

320. I demurred for the sake of compromise,

321. but I am clearly the dominant force in this partnership!

322. Are you kidding me?

323. Look at him! He's a good guy!

324. A helpful, friendly good guy that you're helping me

325. destroy for the forces of evil!

326. Nuh-uh! I'm the hero!

327. And heroes fight bad guys, and kiss pretty ladies!

328. Ugh, working with you was a big mistake. Give me the sword!

329. I'll destroy him myself.

330. No! I wanna do it!

331. Even when you guys fight,

332. it's clear you make a really good team.

333. We do not! ( growling )

334. Wander! Are you okay, buddy?

335. Sylvia! You found me!

336. They're having a bit of a BFF tiff.

337. We are not BFFs!

338. Not my face.

339. We should probably get going.

340. Okey-doke. Also, it's your turn to hide.

341. Ow, watch the ribs!

342. Stop it! Stop it!

343. I hate you!

344. I hate you more!

345. Ouch!

346. Oh, are you okay?

347. Stop it!

348. I hate you!