1. - Whoa! Look at that guy.
- Are those devil sticks?Copy !req
2. Oh, yeah, looks dangerous.
It's like Cirque du Soleil.Copy !req
3. But better.
It's like a one-man show.Copy !req
4. Yeah, it's like a one-man show.Copy !req
5. Whoa!Copy !req
6. That's cool.Copy !req
7. It's the law of the jungle.
Do you understand?Copy !req
8. You understand.
Do you understand?Copy !req
9. That's what brought you two guys together.Copy !req
10. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready
to meet the stars of our program?Copy !req
11. Please keep it going
for Bob Odenkirk and David Cross!Copy !req
12. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
13. We are having such a good time
doing this show.Copy !req
14. Uh, I just... I feel refreshed.Copy !req
15. I just got back from my house
where I hung out with my—Copy !req
16. —Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry.Copy !req
17. Turn your cell phones off. Don't...Copy !req
18. Oh, it's fuckin' Donny.Copy !req
19. You guys, hang on.
Let me put it on speaker.Copy !req
20. You guys— Hang on.Copy !req
21. You guys know about my asshole brother.
All right.Copy !req
22. - What's up?
- Hey.Copy !req
23. - Hey, Donny, I'm here with Bob.Copy !req
24. What? Yeah, we're—Copy !req
25. We're doing the show that I do with Bob.Copy !req
26. You know,
the thing I've been taping all week.Copy !req
27. - Yeah. I know, dude.
- And why— Yeah. So...Copy !req
28. - What?
- I know it. I need the password.Copy !req
29. - I...Copy !req
30. - All right. Just go talk to him.
- All right. Hang on one second. Sorry.Copy !req
31. Jesus. You know
I'm in the fucking show, right?Copy !req
32. Uh, so, yeah.
We've been dealing with that all week.Copy !req
33. Fuck, I know this is gonna go on now
for fucking who knows how long,Copy !req
34. 'cause Donny is a fuck-up.Copy !req
35. —Um...Copy !req
36. It's too bad because, uh...
Especially tonight, uh...Copy !req
37. But it's not—Copy !req
38. Not that this is a great episode.
This is actually the weakest of the four.Copy !req
39. But our moms are here, uh...Copy !req
40. I mean, uh, you know what?
I'll tell you something.Copy !req
41. Fuck him. Uh...Copy !req
42. There's a bit that
I've always wanted to doCopy !req
43. that David hates, says it sucks.Copy !req
44. Um, can I get a chair?
Is there an extra chair?Copy !req
45. Oh, awesome, you knew.Copy !req
46. Um, okay, what if, um...Copy !req
47. What if the cast of Seinfeld
was in Star Wars?Copy !req
48. We take you now
to an Upper West Side far, far away.Copy !req
49. Uh-oh, here comes Darth Kramer.Copy !req
50. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
51. Isn't my son wonderful?Copy !req
52. Yes, he is.Copy !req
53. I wish David had shown
a little more responsibility,Copy !req
54. running out the way he did.Copy !req
55. But I am proud of my kids.Copy !req
56. Where's Princess Elaina?Copy !req
57. I know what you mean.Copy !req
58. Bob's brother is a car salesman.Copy !req
59. But I think Bob's almost
equally successful in my eyes.Copy !req
60. Yeah, Yoda, Yoda, Yoda.Copy !req
61. I know just what you're talking about.Copy !req
62. David has this little show,Copy !req
63. but his brother, Donny,Copy !req
64. is really coming up
in the entertainment industry, too.Copy !req
65. I now have two sons in show business.Copy !req
66. Equal successes all around.Copy !req
67. - We're amazing moms!
- Oh!Copy !req
68. You're watching Amazing Moms!Copy !req
69. Tonight, we're going to meet
a mother who raisedCopy !req
70. two equally-talented
and successful children.Copy !req
71. Meet Susan Cross
and her equally amazing boys.Copy !req
72. I don't know what I did so right.Copy !req
73. These two are storming Hollywood
and setting the world on fire.Copy !req
74. David is scribbling
his latest TV special...Copy !req
75. or book or whatever,
and that's nice.Copy !req
76. And Donny is working equally as hard.Copy !req
77. He even has a day job
working for a famous celebrity.Copy !req
78. Listen. Hey, Donny.Copy !req
79. I gotta go to the editing suite,Copy !req
80. and then I have a rehearsal,
then I have a photo shoot, okay?Copy !req
81. So, I need you to go to the store
and pick some stuff up, okay?Copy !req
82. I hired my older brother
to be my assistant. Uh...Copy !req
83. It was my amazing mom's idea.Copy !req
84. What is the point of having a personal
assistant if you're not gonna do anything?Copy !req
85. - Yeah, dude, I got it.
- All right.Copy !req
86. Cigarettes and barbecue sauce?
What did you say?Copy !req
87. No, I didn't say either!
Uh, I'm writing it down.Copy !req
88. You know, I'm busy
and he's a good guy at heart.Copy !req
89. And, uh, you know,
he wants to be in show business, so...Copy !req
90. He is in show business.Copy !req
91. Uh...Copy !req
92. - So...
- He's a big help.Copy !req
93. All right, I'm writing TP twice,
all right?Copy !req
94. One is toilet paper
and the other is toothpaste.Copy !req
95. You can remember—
Oh, fuck it, I'll write 'em both down.Copy !req
96. Dude, I dropped a serious bomb
in there, bro.Copy !req
97. Like, I'm-gonna-have-to-
take-a-shower kind of thing.Copy !req
98. Great, good stuff. All right, here.
Here's the list, all right?Copy !req
99. Now just run down to the store
and get that shit, please. Thank you.Copy !req
100. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
101. - No bueno, bro. Remember?Copy !req
102. Yeah, I mean, Dave's doing
what he's doing and that's fine,Copy !req
103. but I kind of think bigger.Copy !req
104. I've got all these great ideas for showsCopy !req
105. and, um, you know,
with the drawn ones, cartoon ones,Copy !req
106. and all kinds of stuff, you know, and I—Copy !req
107. Look, if the fucking legal system
would co-operate,Copy !req
108. then, yeah,
I'd be kicking his ass all over Hollywood,Copy !req
109. but, you know, thanks, Obama.Copy !req
110. All right, I'll just... I'll call it in,Copy !req
111. and then we'll have it delivered,
all right?Copy !req
112. - Hand me the phone, please?Copy !req
113. Yeah, one... second.Copy !req
114. Donny, the phone, please.
It's right next— Jesus Christ!Copy !req
115. - Oh, son of a bitch.
- All right, look.Copy !req
116. - I'm gonna order this stuff, okay?Copy !req
117. All you gotta do is be here
when they're delivering, okay?Copy !req
118. I got it.
I'm gonna remember later, all right?Copy !req
119. After I take my shower.Copy !req
120. Bro, I gotta take
one of my world-famous showers.Copy !req
121. - Don't deny me my shower rights.
- Fuckin' hilarious!Copy !req
122. All right, just be here for the delivery.Copy !req
123. I'm gonna call it in.
Here's 50 bucks. Give it—Copy !req
124. You know what, actually,
I'm gonna swing by the storeCopy !req
125. on my way to work,
and I'll pay for everything.Copy !req
126. I'm just gonna call this in now,
all right?Copy !req
127. And you just—
All you gotta do is be at—Copy !req
128. Donny, you're gonna be here
to answer the door.Copy !req
129. That's all you have to—
Yes, hi, this is David Cross.Copy !req
130. - Uh, I wanted to call in an order.Copy !req
131. - Half and half, olives...
- Ta-ta!Copy !req
132. - King of the jewels.
- ... two TPs.Copy !req
133. Somebody will be here for it, yes.
Somebody will be here for it. Yes?Copy !req
134. - Ta-ta!
- Okay. "Ta-ta" means yes.Copy !req
135. All right. So, thank you.Copy !req
136. Nah, I don't look up to David so much
as I look up to Matthew McConaugheyCopy !req
137. and his equally-talented brother.Copy !req
138. And in that respect, I think
I'm more like Matthew McConaugheyCopy !req
139. and David's more like Matthew
McConaughey's equally-talented brother.Copy !req
140. Listen, tell them about your show.Copy !req
141. We're always hearing about David's shows.Copy !req
142. People should know
about your show equally.Copy !req
143. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um...Copy !req
144. I've been kind of working
on this one-man showCopy !req
145. that's like Cirque du Soleil
meets one-man show.Copy !req
146. David can help you with that.Copy !req
147. He can call Steven Spielberg.Copy !req
148. Yeah, well, tell him to do it,Copy !req
149. I mean, I've asked him a bunch, you know,
but he doesn't do shit for me.Copy !req
150. Hey, it doesn't harm to try.Copy !req
151. What?Copy !req
152. - Donny!Copy !req
153. God damn it. Donny!Copy !req
154. Two wonderful sons
storming HollywoodCopy !req
155. and setting the world on fire.Copy !req
156. I don't think I'd call myself amazing,Copy !req
157. but I think my two boys
are equally talented in every way!Copy !req
158. Later on Amazing Moms...Copy !req
159. My boys have always been like twins.Copy !req
160. Just the same exact interests and talents.Copy !req
161. And now I've got two famous
racing car drivers in this family.Copy !req
162. I'm amazing.Copy !req
163. My two girls,
I am so proud of both of them.Copy !req
164. I mean, one is the head of neurology
at Kempton-Blair Brain Institute...Copy !req
165. and the other is an
aromatherapist in Ojai.Copy !req
166. - Two doctors in one family.Copy !req
167. Thank you very much.Copy !req
168. - We done here? I got an emergency.
- Oh!Copy !req
169. I need ten cc's
of lavender oil and cinnamon.Copy !req
170. Siddhartha, get me
two dream catchers, stat.Copy !req
171. Sunshine, tell me you've got some
goddamn floral water and heartwoodCopy !req
172. - or I'll break both your fucking legs!Copy !req
173. All right, Mr. Reynolds.
Now, I've done this operation a few times,Copy !req
174. but I have to warn you,
there's a 30% chance you'll lose your leg.Copy !req
175. - So, a 70% chance of success?
- Yeah.Copy !req
176. You seem pretty sure of yourself.Copy !req
177. Well, I'm 70% sure.Copy !req
178. Okay, 70-30.Copy !req
179. All right, I like those odds.
I'm in for 50.Copy !req
180. - Fifty what?
- Fifty dollars.Copy !req
181. I'm not betting you on this.Copy !req
182. - Why not?
- It's ridiculous.Copy !req
183. And I'll lose.Copy !req
184. Come on.
Fifty bucks says you fuck it up.Copy !req
185. Oh, so you're taking the long odds.Copy !req
186. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
187. So, you're saying that if I fuck it up,
uh, then I have to pay you?Copy !req
188. - Exactly.
- Oh, great. I'll take that deal.Copy !req
189. Better get to an ATM, smartass.Copy !req
190. - I can do this.
- Okay.Copy !req
191. - The sweet smell of greenbacks.Copy !req
192. It's beginner's luck, Reynolds.Copy !req
193. Aw, somebody upset
'cause they lost some money?Copy !req
194. Fuck you, one leg.Copy !req
195. All right.
Come on, man, double or nothing.Copy !req
196. - What? What's the bet?
- Yeah.Copy !req
197. Same bet, other leg.Copy !req
198. - You're crazy.
- And you're chickenshit.Copy !req
199. There's nothing wrong with your other leg.Copy !req
200. "There's nothing wrong
with your other leg."Copy !req
201. That is the mating call of a coward.Copy !req
202. You know what?
You're on, asshole.Copy !req
203. Oh, come on.
All right, great.Copy !req
204. All right, all right.Copy !req
205. You had a little bit of a streak,
but it's over now.Copy !req
206. What do you mean "it's over"?Copy !req
207. All your legs are gone.Copy !req
208. Yeah, I can see that.
I got two eyes.Copy !req
209. Speaking of which, I got two eyes.Copy !req
210. I am not qualified to operate on eyes.Copy !req
211. Ooh, I like the sound of that.Copy !req
212. Let me put this in terms
you'll understand.Copy !req
213. If I operate on your eyes,
there's a 99% chance I'll fuck it up.Copy !req
214. Yeah, but if you don't fuck it up,Copy !req
215. you're gonna get $99
for every dollar you bet.Copy !req
216. I'd take those odds if I were you, Doc.
You can make a lot of scratch.Copy !req
217. Nurse, prep the OR.Copy !req
218. Cha-ching!Copy !req
219. Lift the cornea just so...Copy !req
220. Swab.Copy !req
221. There's a lot riding on this.Copy !req
222. All right, Mr. Reynolds.Copy !req
223. Let's see what we got here.Copy !req
224. How many fingers am I holding up?Copy !req
225. I don't know and I'm never gonna know,Copy !req
226. but there better be 100 bucks in 'em.Copy !req
227. God damn it!
You are the luckiest son of a bitch!Copy !req
228. Hey, there's a sucker born
every minute, huh?Copy !req
229. Where are ya?Copy !req
230. - I gotta ask ya.
- Yeah?Copy !req
231. You've won an awful lot of money off me
and your various surgeries.Copy !req
232. What do you plan to do with all of it?Copy !req
233. Well, I'm gonna do something I've always
wanted to do since I was a kid.Copy !req
234. I'm gonna go to Scotland and I'm gonna
take a sight-seeing hike up the—Copy !req
235. Oh.Copy !req
236. You are hereby recognized as
Grand Kleagle Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.Copy !req
237. Great. Now I can finally be
President of the United States of Amer—Copy !req
238. Oh...Copy !req
239. Now that I scalped my tickets
to Banes & Dunfrey,Copy !req
240. I can finally afford to go see Banes and—Copy !req
241. Oh...Copy !req
242. Hey, Country, where you think you goin'?Copy !req
243. I'm just going to get some provisions.
The boys are comin' over.Copy !req
244. Hold your horses, son.
I got a better way.Copy !req
245. Welcome to the show.Copy !req
246. As promised, today we have
the first-ever live interviewCopy !req
247. with Cory Ceitful, the wonder kid.Copy !req
248. For those of you who don't remember,Copy !req
249. little Cory went into a coma for one week
after an emergency appendectomy.Copy !req
250. He was clinically dead for five days.Copy !req
251. When little Cory came to,Copy !req
252. his parents and his doctors were shocked
when he talked about his time in Heaven.Copy !req
253. Cory wrote a global bestseller last year,Copy !req
254. Heaven is Totes for Realz.Copy !req
255. Okay! Check under your seats, y'all,Copy !req
256. because you are going home
with a free copy of this baby.Copy !req
257. Yes, indeed.Copy !req
258. Joining me today on the show
is Cory and his parents,Copy !req
259. - Josh and Tonya.
- Hi.Copy !req
260. - Hi, Cory.
- Hi.Copy !req
261. I loved your book.
My daughter had a question for you.Copy !req
262. She wanted to know,
what does Heaven smell like?Copy !req
263. Um, like cake and sunshine.Copy !req
264. - Aw!
- "Cake and sunshine."Copy !req
265. I wanna go.Copy !req
266. I bet you were excited to go to Heaven.Copy !req
267. Yes, I was excited
because everybody was there!Copy !req
268. God said he loves all of his children.Copy !req
269. Aw!Copy !req
270. - And my pop-pop was there!
- Your pop-pop?Copy !req
271. Yeah, and Dina, there's no way Cory
would know what his pop-pop looked like.Copy !req
272. My father, his grandfather,
passed away when I was seven.Copy !req
273. And yet, he described him
right down to his cowlick.Copy !req
274. - Cory, tell Dina about the golden light.
- Yeah.Copy !req
275. Oh, yes, I remember that
there was a golden light.Copy !req
276. And God wanted me to come to him
where the light was.Copy !req
277. I got to play with everybody.Copy !req
278. All my old family
and a baseball player named Babe Ruth.Copy !req
279. - Yeah.
- You got to meet Babe Ruth?Copy !req
280. - Yeah, it's all in the book.
- Yep.Copy !req
281. And a girl I played withCopy !req
282. - named Anne Frank.
- Yeah.Copy !req
283. Aw!Copy !req
284. And a man with a funny mustache
named Hitler...Copy !req
285. —... and a nice lady named Mother Teresa—Copy !req
286. Hold on a second.
Did you say you met Hitler in Heaven?Copy !req
287. Uh, it's Adolf Hitler,Copy !req
288. and he had a funny mustache
and he talked funny.Copy !req
289. No, honey, that can't be right.Copy !req
290. - There was no Hitler there. No.
- Yeah, that's not in the book, folks.Copy !req
291. Yeah-huh!Copy !req
292. And there was a nice man
named Jeffrey Dahmer,Copy !req
293. - and a Mr. Gacy.
- No.Copy !req
294. - Oh, and John Denver.
- Yeah—Copy !req
295. Folks, these are Cory's memories, okay?Copy !req
296. - Folks, these are not ours.
- They're not ours. They're not ours.Copy !req
297. Yeah, you know what? Hold on.
I think I know what happened.Copy !req
298. Cory, I think you're confused, sweetie.
I think you went to Hell.Copy !req
299. - Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
300. - He went to Hell. That's it.
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
301. —No, no! There is no Hell.Copy !req
302. —No, no, no, Cory. No, no!Copy !req
303. Listen to the nice lady, now.
You stopped by Hell for a few seconds.Copy !req
304. Yeah. See, just the good people
go to Heaven, sweetie.Copy !req
305. - Yeah, only the good people.
- But—Copy !req
306. Jesus said he loves all of his childrenCopy !req
307. and everybody goes to Heaven,
no matter what.Copy !req
308. - No, no, no. Folks, he's just—
- No, no.Copy !req
309. —He's just a kid. He's just a kid.Copy !req
310. - And this is not what our feelings are...
- No, no.Copy !req
311. - Okay.
- ... on this issue.Copy !req
312. - Honey, maybe you're mistaken...
- Yeah.Copy !req
313. - ... about what you saw?
- Yeah.Copy !req
314. - No.Copy !req
315. - Well, then, maybe you're lying.Copy !req
316. But, I did go to Heaven
and Jesus did say that.Copy !req
317. - No.
- No.Copy !req
318. - Boo, Cory. Boo.
- Yeah. Boo.Copy !req
319. - I agree. Boo.
- Boo. No.Copy !req
320. We will not sit here and have you mock GodCopy !req
321. - as some all-forgiving monster!
- No. No. No way.Copy !req
322. - Right! Yes!
- Boo!Copy !req
323. - Boo!
- Yes!Copy !req
324. - Get him. Get him.
- Throw it at him.Copy !req
325. - Boo!
- Yes!Copy !req
326. - Those are his thoughts.
- Yes!Copy !req
327. I think it's illegal what he said,
or ought to be!Copy !req
328. Everyone knows there's a Hell.Copy !req
329. Without a Hell,
Heaven wouldn't be as nice.Copy !req
330. Shame on him.Copy !req
331. Well, there is
a scientific explanation for this.Copy !req
332. It's my educated guess that...Copy !req
333. Cory did go to Heaven,Copy !req
334. but once there, the devil kidnapped Jesus
and disguised himself as Jesus,Copy !req
335. and then hypnotized Cory
into believing all of this.Copy !req
336. This whole thing has
brought our country to a standstill.Copy !req
337. But we need to put our emotions aside,
come together and let the healing begin.Copy !req
338. That is why I've proposed
Legislation 43329Copy !req
339. to send little Cory back to Heaven.Copy !req
340. Hopefully, he'll pay attention
and get it right this time.Copy !req
341. The procedure is known as
voluntary cardiac arrest.Copy !req
342. What we'll do is ice down Cory's heart
to the point where he will "die."Copy !req
343. I don't know why I'm doing air quotes.
He will die.Copy !req
344. We're just waiting on parental consent,
and then we're good to go.Copy !req
345. Yep.Copy !req
346. Oh, yeah, sounds good.Copy !req
347. Cory's sequel is on shelves,
Now, That's What I Call Heaven.Copy !req
348. Audio book read by Jeffrey Tambor.Copy !req
349. "So, then, Mommy and DaddyCopy !req
350. tolded me about a special place
for kids like me, and it was Heaven,Copy !req
351. and then she said about Jesus,
because of before—"Copy !req
352. Don't listen to that.Copy !req
353. You're not gonna learn anything.Copy !req
354. Let's go sell some books.Copy !req
355. They say door-to-door is over.Copy !req
356. I say Internet's a boondoggle.Copy !req
357. As long as you got doors...Copy !req
358. - We'll still be around. Yeah, yeah.
- We'll still be around.Copy !req
359. Uh, no, thank you.
I once sold brushes...Copy !req
360. Uh...Copy !req
361. I went out with ten brushes in my kit.Copy !req
362. Came home, I had 12 brushes.Copy !req
363. That was my worst day.
I bought two brushes.Copy !req
364. - I was selling products for dogs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
365. I brought a dog with me
thinking it would help sell the products.Copy !req
366. - Yeah.
- Everyone wanted to buy the dog.Copy !req
367. No one bought a product.Copy !req
368. I sold four dogs, but I ended up
taking them out of backyards.Copy !req
369. Oh! Worst day ever?Copy !req
370. Never had a bad day.Copy !req
371. —Come on.Copy !req
372. Never had a bad day.Copy !req
373. - I'll tell you about my best day.
- Yeah.Copy !req
374. Cousin got me this job.Copy !req
375. No walking around, no traveling,
no case, just sitting in a room.Copy !req
376. - Nice.
- Little bags of white powder.Copy !req
377. - Guys coming in— Huh? No.
- Detergent. Detergent.Copy !req
378. Deodorant? Soda?Copy !req
379. - Kool-Aid mix?
- No.Copy !req
380. They'd take a syringe and put it in
and they were happy to see me.Copy !req
381. - It's heroin. Heroin.
- Heroin, that's it. Heroin.Copy !req
382. Oh, heroin.Copy !req
383. - That was... That was a great day.
- Sold out.Copy !req
384. May we come in? Oh.Copy !req
385. I'm on a cold streak.
I could not sell ass to a dog.Copy !req
386. - Right, kid?Copy !req
387. And you can't tell
from looking at me, though.Copy !req
388. You never let 'em see you sweat.Copy !req
389. That's...
I got these damn sweat glands.Copy !req
390. As soon as I can have them removed,
I will get that surgery.Copy !req
391. You ride in a car
for as long as we've ridden in a car...Copy !req
392. - you gotta wear a diaper.
- Why can't you—Copy !req
393. I mean, you can pull over.Copy !req
394. We're selling.
We don't have time to stop.Copy !req
395. He'd be sliced from knees to nipples,
just bleedin' him out.Copy !req
396. - I'm never gonna murder nobody. It's—
- You'll do it.Copy !req
397. - No, it's—
- You'll do it, at some point.Copy !req
398. Okay. Uh-uh, hon, no, take that back.Copy !req
399. No more for my friends.
They haven't earned it.Copy !req
400. Okay, I've heard enough excuses to fill
a boat and sail it to Morocco, all right?Copy !req
401. Probably get a good price, too.Copy !req
402. You are selling
the greatest product ever invented.Copy !req
403. Religion.Copy !req
404. You can't sell that...Copy !req
405. well, then you're a piece of shit.Copy !req
406. A piece of shit
on the bottom of a turd's shoe.Copy !req
407. Okay, so, here's what
we're gonna do, ladies.Copy !req
408. We're gonna pull up our hoop-skirts,Copy !req
409. you're gonna get on your scooters,
you're gonna put your little tea set away,Copy !req
410. we're gonna go down to the lipstick store,
put lipstick all over us,Copy !req
411. get some nice eye shadow,
in case Chad Huntley is at the park,Copy !req
412. 'cause he's the cutest boy and he wants
everyone to notice him, doesn't he?Copy !req
413. Wipe your tears with your little apron,
then take your tutu off,Copy !req
414. get back on your tricycle and ride away
and sell me some books!Copy !req
415. Now, the person who sells me
the most books by the end of the nightCopy !req
416. is gonna get the prize.Copy !req
417. Whoa!Copy !req
418. - Yeah.
- Steak dinner.Copy !req
419. - Look at that.
- Oh!Copy !req
420. Porterhouse steak,
little horsey sauce. Ah-ah-ah!Copy !req
421. Put that back.Copy !req
422. All right, ladies.
Back to the drawing boards. Let's go.Copy !req
423. I wanna see those panties on the run.
Get your tutus off!Copy !req
424. These leads are shit!Copy !req
425. You shouldn't be so negative.Copy !req
426. You know what you have to teach me?Copy !req
427. Nothing.Copy !req
428. Uh, I'm Rick, this is Lawrence.Copy !req
429. - Hello.
- You wouldn't be interested inCopy !req
430. the best-selling book
of all time, would you?Copy !req
431. Oh, I don't know.
What book is it?Copy !req
432. Uh, it's a holy book.Copy !req
433. He's right.
Listen to him...Copy !req
434. Don't listen to the peanut gallery.Copy !req
435. It's a little cold out.Copy !req
436. - Could we come inside?
- Oh, sure.Copy !req
437. - Yes, come in. Come in.
- Oh, what?Copy !req
438. - Beautiful house.
- Thank you.Copy !req
439. Oh, nice tea.Copy !req
440. So, what is the name of the book
that you're selling?Copy !req
441. Well, it's not—
The tea is very nice.Copy !req
442. Can we just show her it?Copy !req
443. - No, no.
- Yes, I'd like that. Thank you.Copy !req
444. - Here you go. Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
445. Oh!Copy !req
446. - Oh, it's the Qu'ran?
- Yeah.Copy !req
447. - I'm not Muslim.
- Okay.Copy !req
448. - All right—
- But my husband is.Copy !req
449. Hold on.Copy !req
450. He's a Muslim,
and he's gonna be back in a little bit.Copy !req
451. - If you wanna wait—
- No, that's fine.Copy !req
452. - You wanna wait? Sure.
- Yeah, no. Yeah, please.Copy !req
453. - Why?
- Because...Copy !req
454. Let me get you some fresh tea.Copy !req
455. - This is good.
- Well, now, we gotta sit here.Copy !req
456. - Because her husband's gonna be back.
- So what?Copy !req
457. He's Muslim.Copy !req
458. It don't matter. He ain't gonna buy it,
and you're wasting our time.Copy !req
459. We could be out there right now,
pounding the pavement.Copy !req
460. Pocket kings.Copy !req
461. - Uh! You win again.
- You let me.Copy !req
462. Oh, hi, honey.Copy !req
463. Hello, Mr. Darnell.Copy !req
464. - Hey, who are these guys, Ginny?Copy !req
465. Ease your mind, sir.
We're not here to rape your wife.Copy !req
466. —Uh...Copy !req
467. - This book— The bestseller—
- They're salesmen.Copy !req
468. - Let's... Can we show him?
- No.Copy !req
469. Honey, I think you'll be very interested.Copy !req
470. Uh, point two gram weight
for every page, which is...Copy !req
471. - Oh, wow, that's perfect.
- Very nice.Copy !req
472. - Too heavy, probably—
- Top of the line.Copy !req
473. Pictures, color pictures.Copy !req
474. - That is great.
- Isn't it?Copy !req
475. It's a little too nice.Copy !req
476. Well, I am third-generation Muslim.Copy !req
477. We're helping start a small mosque,
so we're gonna need a lot of Qu'rans.Copy !req
478. Well, we'll get out of your hair then.Copy !req
479. No, no, I'm saying that
we're gonna need some.Copy !req
480. - You're gonna buy 'em anyway.
- I'm gonna buy 'em anyway.Copy !req
481. - You guys are here, why not from you?Copy !req
482. - It's probably outside your budget.
- No.Copy !req
483. I could skip a round of golf on Saturday.Copy !req
484. - We'll make it work. Yeah.
- We'll make it work.Copy !req
485. Yeah. Yeah, that's all right...
You're not interested. That's fine.Copy !req
486. No, no, I'm interested.
This is great. I mean...Copy !req
487. But you don't wanna buy any, do you?Copy !req
488. Yeah, no, that's what I'm telling you.
I'd like to buy some.Copy !req
489. - Perhaps multiple.
- Ah!Copy !req
490. - Well, we got a mosque going, so...
- We're also—Copy !req
491. Could I talk to my partner
for just a second here?Copy !req
492. - Absolutely, yeah.
- Thanks.Copy !req
493. I should get the checkbook.Copy !req
494. This is great. Did you hear
what he said about the mosque?Copy !req
495. I never got this far in a sale, kid.Copy !req
496. I don't... I don't know what to do.Copy !req
497. I'm gonna go wait in the car.Copy !req
498. - We're really loving this Qu'ran.
- Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.Copy !req
499. All right, come on, tiny-teeny,
get in here, let's go.Copy !req
500. All right.
We got ourselves a winner.Copy !req
501. Let's hear it for the new kid.Copy !req
502. Seven holy books in one day.
That's a new record.Copy !req
503. Good job, kiddo.
Enjoy!Copy !req
504. Ha-ha!Copy !req
505. - Enjoy it.
- Same steak from this morning?Copy !req
506. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
507. You want some?Copy !req
508. I'll have one, uh, one fly if, uh...Copy !req
509. - if you can spare it.
- No, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
510. - He's moving. Get him. Stab him.
- He— Get him.Copy !req
511. Yeah, that one.
Oh, yeah, that one, that one.Copy !req
512. - Lord, thank you for this bounty.Copy !req
513. I do not deserve this great gift.Copy !req
514. Amen.Copy !req
515. Seinfeld Star Wars!Copy !req
516. - Seinfeld Star Wars!Copy !req
517. Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars!Copy !req
518. Whoa! Talk about a comedian
in an X-wing fighter getting coffee.Copy !req
519. We gotta explode the Death Star,
R2-George-2.Copy !req
520. You shut up, Kramer Vader.Copy !req
521. Bob, sorry I'm late. My brother—Copy !req
522. No, no, no, no, no, no. You are not doing
the "If Seinfeld was in Star Wars" bit.Copy !req
523. I've been doing it
for a half an hour and it's killing.Copy !req
524. Yeah, just ask your mom, huh?Copy !req
525. Seinfeld Stars Wars is a masterpiece.Copy !req
526. David, you are a big disappointment
to all of us,Copy !req
527. to everyone in this room.Copy !req
528. Now, come on.
Let's show him that we like it.Copy !req
529. Seinfeld Star Wars! Seinfeld Star Wars!Copy !req
530. Come on. You guys.Copy !req
531. Oh, hello, Newbacca.Copy !req
532. Fuck that shit, Bob.Copy !req
533. There's a guy in the parking lot
playing devil sticks.Copy !req
534. It's like a mixture of Cirque du Soleil
meets Matthew McConaughey's older brother.Copy !req
535. - Come on, everybody!
- Come on!Copy !req
536. Really? Really? Mom?Copy !req
537. Bob's mom—
Devil sticks. Really?Copy !req
538. You're just gonna hear 311
on a shitty boombox.Copy !req
539. Really? Come on.Copy !req
540. God damn it.Copy !req
541. Well...Copy !req
542. R2-D2 and C-3PO.Copy !req
543. Who are these people?Copy !req
544. Hi, Jesus.
Hi, Mohamed.Copy !req
545. Not the Prophet Muhammad.
Mohamed Atta.Copy !req
546. I'm so proud of all of my kids.
Equal successes all around.Copy !req
547. I'm an amazing mom.Copy !req