1. I do not know
what all the fuss is all about!Copy !req
2. He was totally extra, right?Copy !req
3. I've never heard such nonsense
in all my life.Copy !req
4. He was totally unnecessary
and good riddance!Copy !req
5. They're around here somewhere.Copy !req
6. - In the event of a fire...Copy !req
7. In the event of a fire
it is every man for himself.Copy !req
8. Ladies and gentlemen,
Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.Copy !req
9. —Thank you.Copy !req
10. - All yours.
- All right.Copy !req
11. Thank you.Copy !req
12. - Yes!
- Yeah.Copy !req
13. Uh, we, uh...
Well, we're gonna do a sketch show.Copy !req
14. Look around.
I see a lot of stuff.Copy !req
15. You know, I wish I could tell you guys
what's gonna be on the show.Copy !req
16. Warn you what's gonna be on the show.Copy !req
17. It's a lot of fun stuff.
Don't worry about it, all right?Copy !req
18. Gonna be some— Plenty of sexy stuff.Copy !req
19. I know that's your number one thing,
"Am I gonna get to jerk off later?"Copy !req
20. Yes, you will.
Yes, you will.Copy !req
21. Bikini models?Copy !req
22. Oh! "Hubba-hubba," right? Yeah.Copy !req
23. - Hula dancers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
24. - Uh, we're gonna show a lot of crazy shit.
- All right? Maybe.Copy !req
25. I mean, there's gonna be
a family with webbed toesCopy !req
26. - that's gonna be coming out.
- That's cool.Copy !req
27. We're gonna show you a picture
of the prophet Mohammed.Copy !req
28. - Yay!
- We're gonna show you...Copy !req
29. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,Copy !req
30. - wait, wait, wait.
- ... in a bikini outfit, okay?Copy !req
31. No, back up. Hold it. No.Copy !req
32. - What? What's going on?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
33. David, David, David,
that is Shane Stevens,Copy !req
34. - he's head of comedy here at the network.Copy !req
35. He can pull the plug at any moment.Copy !req
36. Wait a sec— But this isn't a comedy show
and Netflix isn't a network.Copy !req
37. I know that, and you know that,
but he doesn't know that.Copy !req
38. Now, just humor him.Copy !req
39. - He's only got 42 years left to live.
- Oh.Copy !req
40. Yes, uh, Mr. Stevens, sorry.
What— What can we do for ya?Copy !req
41. You guys can't do that thing
you said just then about, you know,Copy !req
42. a piction of the prophey Mohafa.Copy !req
43. - You can't do that.
- Oh, no.Copy !req
44. We're not really gonna show
a picture of the prophet—Copy !req
45. Whoa, whoa, no.Copy !req
46. No, we wouldn't do that, man.
It's not that funny.Copy !req
47. Yeah, plus, we like living.Copy !req
48. Yeah, it's one of our top ten
things to do.Copy !req
49. Show it?Copy !req
50. You can't even say the phrase,Copy !req
51. "A fimfah of the fahfah Mohafa."Copy !req
52. Wait, wait.
You're saying we can't even say,Copy !req
53. - "A picture of the prophet Mohamm—"
- No!Copy !req
54. David, yeah, I know that this is
a Judeo-Christian country,Copy !req
55. with separation of church and state
and free speech and all that,Copy !req
56. but we still have to abide by laws
laid down by the Ayatollah Khomeini, okay?Copy !req
57. God rest his beard.Copy !req
58. Wait a second.Copy !req
59. Could we say, uh,Copy !req
60. "A prophet of the Mohammed picture?"Copy !req
61. Still too close, I think.Copy !req
62. Uh, what? This is ri—Copy !req
63. All right, uh, can we say,Copy !req
64. "A prophure of the picmed of Mohaphet"?Copy !req
65. —Okay, I like that.Copy !req
66. That's, a prophure of the picmed Mohaphet.Copy !req
67. Yeah.Copy !req
68. - It's got a nice ring to it.
- Yeah, you know what?Copy !req
69. I think that might be a workaround.Copy !req
70. Let me kick that up the ladder.Copy !req
71. - And we'll... We'll see—
- Up what ladder?Copy !req
72. I thought you're the head of this...
whatever this is.Copy !req
73. Yes, I am, but there's still
a chain of command, okay?Copy !req
74. This is Hollywood, the buck never stops.Copy !req
75. Let me make a call.Copy !req
76. Yeah, Big J, this is Shane.Copy !req
77. —What is it, buddy? Kind of busy here.Copy !req
78. —I got five new shows I'm covering,Copy !req
79. got three new pilots to watch.Copy !req
80. Now I got an X-five rocket launcher
being operated by a bunch of knuckleheadsCopy !req
81. who were trained in SyriaCopy !req
82. and don't know their asses
from their elbows.Copy !req
83. So, quickly, what is it?Copy !req
84. Busiest man in Hollywood, huh?Copy !req
85. Okay, uh...Copy !req
86. Hey, can we say,
"A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet?"Copy !req
87. No, it's a—
It's a twist on the phrase a pic—Copy !req
88. Oh, you already figured it out.Copy !req
89. Good. Uh, okay.Copy !req
90. Yeah, well, it's nonsense, so—Copy !req
91. Oh, wow.Copy !req
92. Okay.Copy !req
93. Phew!Copy !req
94. He says that if a person
says that phrase three times out loud,Copy !req
95. they'll be face to face with,
you know, 72 virgins.Copy !req
96. Kapeesh?Copy !req
97. Wait a second.
David just made that up.Copy !req
98. - A prophure of the picmed Mohaph—
- Bob!Copy !req
99. Now you said it two times, all right.Copy !req
100. Okay, thank you, J.Copy !req
101. Okay.Copy !req
102. He is gonna check with his Imam
and get back to us.Copy !req
103. —Imam, it's Osman.Copy !req
104. Listen, am I bothering you?Copy !req
105. No, J, no fighter in the cause
is ever bothering me.Copy !req
106. What is at issue, my son?Copy !req
107. - Mohaphet who?Copy !req
108. - They want to say what?Copy !req
109. That's fine, it makes absolutely no sense.Copy !req
110. - It's based on what?Copy !req
111. Oh, then, no, no, no, no, no.
It is forbidden.Copy !req
112. Okay, peace be upon you, my son.Copy !req
113. What time is it over there?Copy !req
114. Uh, it's, like, 2:30.Copy !req
115. Ah, yes, I forgot.Copy !req
116. How's the constant fighting going?Copy !req
117. —J?Copy !req
118. —J?Copy !req
119. Lost him.Copy !req
120. We are here, Your Most Holy.Copy !req
121. Ah, yes. Right this way.Copy !req
122. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
123. - Pilot season.Copy !req
124. We order you the sushi.Copy !req
125. - And?
- We are celebrating.Copy !req
126. Freddy here has a story credit
in the CarBots movie coming out.Copy !req
127. Plus, he has a new mud floor
named after him in a madrassa.Copy !req
128. - Nice.
- Allahu Akbar.Copy !req
129. - Allahu Akbar.
- Allahu Akbar.Copy !req
130. Guys, uh, Imam, a thousand pardons.Copy !req
131. Here it is.Copy !req
132. This is my new baby.
Oh, you're gonna love it.Copy !req
133. It's a, uh, beautiful, complex,Copy !req
134. uh, a no-holds-barred look
at modern relationships.Copy !req
135. Uh, we got the green light,
we just need the go-ahead from youCopy !req
136. and we can get rolling.Copy !req
137. "Midnight's Family."
Nutshell it for me.Copy !req
138. Absolutely.
It's about a gay couple,Copy !req
139. uh, been together for years,
very comfortable,Copy !req
140. who want to adopt a child
from a lesbian couple,Copy !req
141. and then things get complexCopy !req
142. when one of the gay partners
has an affair with a straight woman.Copy !req
143. So, just a cold-eyed look
at modern contemporary relationships.Copy !req
144. Okay, okay.Copy !req
145. I get that it's current, complex...Copy !req
146. honest, I'm sure.Copy !req
147. Very.Copy !req
148. But, uh, can we have
the gay couple be straightCopy !req
149. and the lesbians also be straight
and have no adoption?Copy !req
150. And have the adulteress stoned to death?Copy !req
151. - Yes.
- Mmm.Copy !req
152. Okay. Uh, that would
change things substantially.Copy !req
153. Right. Okay, what if we just kept
the gay couple and the adoption?Copy !req
154. Okay, let's compromise.Copy !req
155. Lose all of the other...Copy !req
156. Let's just have the stoning
of the adulteress.Copy !req
157. That way it's much more enjoyable.Copy !req
158. You got it.
All right, thank you guys so much.Copy !req
159. Thank you.Copy !req
160. Picture it, Imam,Copy !req
161. a TV show that goes after
the real criminals in today's society.Copy !req
162. Children who touch shoes,Copy !req
163. grandmas who look at ducks on a Sunday!Copy !req
164. Men without beards,Copy !req
165. women with vaginas,Copy !req
166. Jew scientists.Copy !req
167. We nail 'em.
We nail 'em all to the wall.Copy !req
168. This ain't no game, all right?Copy !req
169. I got you your smokes,
I got you your coffee.Copy !req
170. Now, where's Valentino's hideout?Copy !req
171. - All right!Copy !req
172. Okay, I tried to be nice.Copy !req
173. Yeah, I tried to be nice, all right?Copy !req
174. But now you're gonna have to deal
with my partner, okay?Copy !req
175. - He's not nice like me.
- Ooh!Copy !req
176. - He's a real asshole.Copy !req
177. Enjoy.Copy !req
178. Don't wanna talk, huh?Copy !req
179. I don't know nothin'.Copy !req
180. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
181. Well, here's what I know.Copy !req
182. - No more coffee, no more smokes.
- Hey.Copy !req
183. Where's Valentino's hideout?Copy !req
184. All right, I get it, I get it,
you're the asshole cop!Copy !req
185. Yeah!Copy !req
186. Wait, what?Copy !req
187. I get it, I get it, you know?Copy !req
188. He comes in here acting all nice
and acting like he caresCopy !req
189. and you come in here
with the "asshole cop" act.Copy !req
190. He said you were an asshole and you are.Copy !req
191. He said I was an asshole?Copy !req
192. Yeah.Copy !req
193. Mort said that?Copy !req
194. Yes.Copy !req
195. Easy for him.Copy !req
196. He's got the perfect life, and...Copy !req
197. And he goes
and calls me an ass...Copy !req
198. It's just these damn feelings.Copy !req
199. It hurts!Copy !req
200. What'd you say to him?Copy !req
201. What'd you say to my partner?Copy !req
202. What? I just said
you said he was an asshole.Copy !req
203. Why would you say that?Copy !req
204. What? I don't know.Copy !req
205. I mean, I thought it was part of the
whole cop game you were doing.Copy !req
206. No! This is no game!Copy !req
207. Remember the first thing I said is,
"This ain't no game!"Copy !req
208. - Yeah, okay.
- Do you remember?Copy !req
209. - Do you remember that?
- Yes, yes, I remember. I remember.Copy !req
210. All right, well, let's keep goin' here.Copy !req
211. Come on, spill it!Copy !req
212. I ain't sayin' nothin' about the hideout!Copy !req
213. No, not about the hideout!Copy !req
214. About me, what did—
What did he say about me?Copy !req
215. Oh, well, I don't—
Uh, nice stuff, you know?Copy !req
216. Good things, like, uh,Copy !req
217. you have the perfect life
and, you know, uh...Copy !req
218. Oh.Copy !req
219. He said I have the perfect life, huh?Copy !req
220. Oh, my life is far from perfect, yeah.Copy !req
221. Did... Did he tell you about
the shit with my wife and the house?Copy !req
222. - No.
- Oh, fuck.Copy !req
223. You see, that guy, he's—
He's so, uh, obsequious, you know?Copy !req
224. He's like, uh, he's overly sensitive.Copy !req
225. He's just...
He's an emotional basket-case!Copy !req
226. Oh, I'll show him "perfect life."Copy !req
227. What did you say to him,
you son of a bitch?Copy !req
228. He's really mad at me now!Copy !req
229. Jesus!Copy !req
230. Lay off, man!Copy !req
231. - I just said the "perfect life" thing.
- Oh, is that all you said, huh?Copy !req
232. That's all, Chatty Cathy?Copy !req
233. That was between you and me!Copy !req
234. He doesn't have a perfect life.Copy !req
235. He's got shit with his wife.Copy !req
236. He's got this hot garage,
guest house with the Mexican tiles.Copy !req
237. Now he thinks I'm making fun of him.Copy !req
238. I mean, it doesn't mean you're, like,
acting obsequious or whatever.Copy !req
239. Ooh, there's that word.Copy !req
240. What, he called me that?Copy !req
241. Yeah, I'm obsequious
'cause I actually like my job.Copy !req
242. He thinks he could say anything
about anybodyCopy !req
243. 'cause of his wife and his house shit!Copy !req
244. He doesn't care about us anymore!Copy !req
245. What is it about the wife,
and the garage or something?Copy !req
246. What'd you say to him?Copy !req
247. He just disinvited me to his wedding.Copy !req
248. I mean, I tried to use
obsequious in a sentence,Copy !req
249. - but I don't think—
- Oh, no, no, why'd you do that?Copy !req
250. That's my word.
He knows that.Copy !req
251. God.Copy !req
252. Listen, I—
I don't know what I'm doing here, man.Copy !req
253. I'm just trying to get you guys
back together.Copy !req
254. I mean...Copy !req
255. I had a wife and my garage kinda...Copy !req
256. Oh!Copy !req
257. Oh, he told you about Jeanette.Copy !req
258. - No, no, I didn't—
- And the shit with my, uh,Copy !req
259. - with the Mexican tiles!
- Oh.Copy !req
260. Yeah, they sent me
Mexican tiles for a garage!Copy !req
261. Oh, him with his pill problem!Copy !req
262. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
263. What did he tell you?Copy !req
264. You got a pill problem.Copy !req
265. Fuck!Copy !req
266. All right.Copy !req
267. What did he tell you about the full-on
homosexual experience I had in college?Copy !req
268. Nothing, man.Copy !req
269. All right, listen, I like gay people.Copy !req
270. - What did he say—
- Oh...Copy !req
271. - Oh, you son of a bitch!
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
272. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah, here we go.Copy !req
273. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?Copy !req
274. —Come on, guys, what is this?Copy !req
275. —Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
276. Jeez, come on, take it easy.Copy !req
277. Easy, easy.Copy !req
278. Jesus.Copy !req
279. This is all my fault, all right?Copy !req
280. I was just playing, you know,
hard to question, huh?Copy !req
281. I was making you guys work for it, huh?Copy !req
282. Now you're all...Copy !req
283. Come on.Copy !req
284. You guys are partners,
you gotta come together, you know?Copy !req
285. Hey, who's gonna get off those pills, huh?Copy !req
286. Yeah, I think so, let me hear it.Copy !req
287. - I'm gonna quit the pills.
- Yes.Copy !req
288. Okay, good. Good.Copy !req
289. And who's gonna re-invite who
to whose wedding?Copy !req
290. I will, I will.Copy !req
291. Let him hear it.Copy !req
292. Can I invite you to...
back to my wedding?Copy !req
293. - Come on.
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
294. All right.Copy !req
295. All right, I want you guys to shake on it
and look each other in the eyes, okay?Copy !req
296. There it is. All right.
Feels good, doesn't it?Copy !req
297. Okay.
I think I'm done here, guys.Copy !req
298. Thank you, take care.Copy !req
299. Did you...Copy !req
300. tell him about my full-on
homosexual experience in college?Copy !req
301. - No, you want me to? I'll go find him.
- No. No, I'll do it later.Copy !req
302. - No, I'd be happy to.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry.Copy !req
303. Sorry, I forgot.Copy !req
304. Uh, Valentino's hideout
is Third and Ashland.Copy !req
305. - Boner!
- Okay, just write it down.Copy !req
306. Give it to the Sergeant.Copy !req
307. - I'll leave it on the fridge.
- Okay.Copy !req
308. This was the scene
where Valentino's gang was bustedCopy !req
309. on a tip from a thoughtful criminal
who was guilty of breaking lawsCopy !req
310. and mending friendships.Copy !req
311. And now, in interesting news,Copy !req
312. an extra member
of the rock group the Beatles,Copy !req
313. unknown until now,
was found dead today.Copy !req
314. The body of Gordie Mclntosh,Copy !req
315. who appeared on every Beatles album
and in every photo,Copy !req
316. but was hard to see or hear,Copy !req
317. was found dead of natural causes,
on his estate in Surrey, England.Copy !req
318. Fans reacted with mixed response.Copy !req
319. It's just...Copy !req
320. I'm a huge Beatles fan.Copy !req
321. Um, I can't believe...Copy !req
322. that I just heard about him
and he's already dead.Copy !req
323. It's not fair.Copy !req
324. I loved him.Copy !req
325. He avoided the limelight,Copy !req
326. never wanted to be celebrated,
or be a bother to the other Beatles.Copy !req
327. Just a great, great extra Beatle.Copy !req
328. I don't know
what the fuss is all about!Copy !req
329. Why, he was totally extra, right? What?Copy !req
330. I never heard such nonsense
in my life. What?Copy !req
331. He was totally unnecessary
and good riddance!Copy !req
332. It's a great loss.Copy !req
333. - And with only two Beatles left, and now—Copy !req
334. losing Gordie,
there's really only two Beatles left.Copy !req
335. —What the fuck is your problem?Copy !req
336. Fuck you! Fuck. God...Copy !req
337. I mean, try it this way, if you had a...Copy !req
338. an invisible third arm...Copy !req
339. that was paralyzed...Copy !req
340. would you miss it?Copy !req
341. If you lost that arm, would you miss it?Copy !req
342. Would you even know
that you were missing itCopy !req
343. if it was indeed invisible and paralyzed?Copy !req
344. Don't want to get
all physiological on you,Copy !req
345. but, uh, how about psychological?Copy !req
346. In, uh, Miguel de Cervantes'
Don Quixote...Copy !req
347. page 136...Copy !req
348. from the English language tradition...Copy !req
349. translation, rather, um...Copy !req
350. Don Quixote is fighting
against a real enemy.Copy !req
351. To anyone else, it's, uh, windmills.Copy !req
352. He's just literally tilting at,
uh, windmills,Copy !req
353. that's where we get that expression from.Copy !req
354. Real or not, is that record real?Copy !req
355. Don't know, you might have
to listen to it to find out.Copy !req
356. Ooh, what's up, Real? Okay.Copy !req
357. Latin music is... kind of real.Copy !req
358. - Or is it? You don't know.Copy !req
359. Plant, artificial or real?
We don't know.Copy !req
360. Reality, un-reality.Copy !req
361. What is here, what is not here.Copy !req
362. What can be seen,
and what can't be seen, you don't know.Copy !req
363. Who's gonna know what's real or not real?Copy !req
364. No one knows.Copy !req
365. Gordie Mclntosh, extra Beatle,
dead today at 72.Copy !req
366. The family asked that nobody send nothing
nowhere in memory of his life's work.Copy !req
367. You're watching the ExtraNews,
more news than is necessary,Copy !req
368. and now to entertainment.Copy !req
369. The Oscars are only
ten and a half months awayCopy !req
370. and the excitement is building.Copy !req
371. Here's our Oscar maven, Chip Tinkley.
Chip?Copy !req
372. Hey-ho, all,Copy !req
373. only 27,848,962 seconds to go
until the big night.Copy !req
374. My tuxedo's at the cleaners,
canapés are in the fridge,Copy !req
375. and extra Kleenex is on order
to handle the tears of joy and sorrow.Copy !req
376. As we answer the question,
"Who will eventually be talked aboutCopy !req
377. a long time from now?"Copy !req
378. It's too early to say,Copy !req
379. but not too squirrely to sprayCopy !req
380. my excitement all over your face...Copy !req
381. for a brand new film
that's coming down the pikeCopy !req
382. with Oscar in its sights.Copy !req
383. Here's the trailer for
Einstein, Poster of Genius!Copy !req
384. One man, one mind,
that changed the world.Copy !req
385. Einstein, the man, the mystery.Copy !req
386. That's it!Copy !req
387. No one knew
that genius hiding behindCopy !req
388. the special theory of relativity
had greatness ahead of him.Copy !req
389. Extree, extree!Copy !req
390. World War II is over!
Atom bomb saves the day!Copy !req
391. But one woman's
flirtatious lookCopy !req
392. was the key to his greatest achievement.Copy !req
393. Come on!Copy !req
394. I'm just a stupid old flapper.Copy !req
395. All my friends
quit doing this 20 years ago.Copy !req
396. - You know, flappin' around.
- You are being modest.Copy !req
397. I'm the stupid one.Copy !req
398. Stupid genius who would finally achieve
what is truly important in this life,Copy !req
399. if I could only have your smile.Copy !req
400. Come on!
Smiles are a dime a dozen!Copy !req
401. I'll give you a smile!Copy !req
402. I do so enjoy it!Copy !req
403. - Oh...Copy !req
404. Einstein's greatest achievement
was just around the corner.Copy !req
405. - Mmm...Copy !req
406. It's working!
I don't want any of this!Copy !req
407. All right, then, Professor,Copy !req
408. I merely need you to stick out
your tongue and say, "Ah."Copy !req
409. Easy as pie, now.
Out it comes.Copy !req
410. Meet me halfway.Copy !req
411. Further now, further!Copy !req
412. Give it to me!
Here it is.Copy !req
413. —Now you've got it!Copy !req
414. Professor, come back!Copy !req
415. His search for greatness
would lead him to love.Copy !req
416. But his search for love...Copy !req
417. would lead him to greatness.Copy !req
418. All right, Benny-boy, let's have
a nice big smile for the camera.Copy !req
419. - Three, two, one...Copy !req
420. Einstein, Poster of Genius
is a story untold until now.Copy !req
421. This is truly the greatest accomplishment
I will ever know.Copy !req
422. There are so many people to thank.Copy !req
423. Uh, Bill Palmer, the photographer,
gentle touch.Copy !req
424. The little boy who got out of the way.Copy !req
425. Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at Connecticut Muffins.Copy !req
426. Thank you so much!Copy !req
427. Uh, my agent.
Uh, who else?Copy !req
428. Uh, my Gott im Himmel, of course.Copy !req
429. And that's it, I guess—
Oh, no.Copy !req
430. No, wait.Copy !req
431. There is someone else I must thank.Copy !req
432. And that is...Copy !req
433. me.Copy !req
434. Thank you so much.Copy !req
435. Yeah, I'm just a left-over link
from a sketch that got cut.Copy !req
436. - You don't wanna know.
- All right.Copy !req
437. Well, uh, here's your ticket.Copy !req
438. - Remember to read the entire ticket.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
439. I need my stuff.Copy !req
440. - Got a ticket?
- Yeah.Copy !req
441. Uh, I'm in a bit of a hurry, I really need
that jacket, I got a big meeting.Copy !req
442. Could you— Could you not eat
while handling my clean...Copy !req
443. Could you not come in
when I'm in the middle of my brunch?Copy !req
444. Oops, too late.Copy !req
445. Oh, there's my jacket!
Did you get that stain out?Copy !req
446. You need to borrow my eyeballs as well?Copy !req
447. Okay, I'll check it myself.Copy !req
448. Oh, shit!Copy !req
449. My jacket is stained!
It's got, like, four new stains on it!Copy !req
450. Oh, dude, you almost got the sleeve
in my barbeque sauce just now.Copy !req
451. How did these get on here?
Okay, these happened here.Copy !req
452. You're gonna have
to clean this for me, pal.Copy !req
453. Read your ticket,Copy !req
454. if the stain happens in the shop,
we're not responsible for it.Copy !req
455. That's crazy, you're a dry cleaner!Copy !req
456. Those are some pretty bad stains,
I'd send that out.Copy !req
457. Send it out?
I wanna talk to your manager.Copy !req
458. Mr. Santos!Copy !req
459. Yeah, what is it?
I'm kind of busy back here.Copy !req
460. Yes, this idiot was eating
while handling my jacket,Copy !req
461. and now my jacket has new stains on it!Copy !req
462. Is this true?Copy !req
463. It happened in the shop.Copy !req
464. Oh, well, if it happened in the shop
that's not our responsibility.Copy !req
465. Read your ticket.Copy !req
466. Fuck that, you should clean
these stains off for free!Copy !req
467. All right, hang on,
let me take a look at this thing.Copy !req
468. Uh...Copy !req
469. Oh, yeah, well, these definitely
could have happened in this shop.Copy !req
470. Could have?
You're staining it right now!Copy !req
471. Okay, I wanna see the owner.
I wanna speak to the owner now.Copy !req
472. - What?
- The owner, I wanna speak to him!Copy !req
473. We already talked.Copy !req
474. You're the owner?Copy !req
475. Sir, read your ticket.
It's all on the ticket.Copy !req
476. I don't have my ticket.Copy !req
477. Oh, I'll get you a new one.Copy !req
478. Or if you want, you can wait.
We're printing up a new batch in the back.Copy !req
479. That's ink on your hands?Copy !req
480. Yes, we print all our tickets in-house.Copy !req
481. That's the Henderson promise.Copy !req
482. I assume that's why you came here.Copy !req
483. No! I come in here 'cause you're
the closest one to my house.Copy !req
484. All right, just get him
the replacement clothes.Copy !req
485. - Ah!
- I get replacement clothes.Copy !req
486. Okay, that's something.Copy !req
487. What the hell?Copy !req
488. I don't want a dress!
It's too small, and it's a dress!Copy !req
489. Sir, we intend to tailor it.Copy !req
490. We'll take it out,
you can tuck it in your pants.Copy !req
491. Read your ticket, it's all on there.Copy !req
492. Why—
Nobody reads their ticket anymore.Copy !req
493. No, but do you tell them?Copy !req
494. "In the case of a stain occurring
on the premises, we'll replace said itemCopy !req
495. with a clothing item of exact weight
and same color palette,Copy !req
496. but non-gender-specific."Copy !req
497. I see.Copy !req
498. Uh, keep reading, it gets better.Copy !req
499. Uh, "A Thanksgiving turkey will be given
to mutually agreed upon charity...Copy !req
500. da-da-da donkey ride, gum,
baby loves head rub.Copy !req
501. No negotiations, comical or otherwise...Copy !req
502. as allowed by law."Copy !req
503. - Get to the good part.
- Yeah.Copy !req
504. What show do you wanna see?Copy !req
505. Oh.Copy !req
506. "Customer will receive two tickets
to current Broadway hit show."Copy !req
507. - Nice!
- See? I thought you'd like that.Copy !req
508. Keep readin'.Copy !req
509. "Broadway show must be seen
within 24 hours of staining."Copy !req
510. I can't fly to New York for a show
right now, that's ridiculous!Copy !req
511. Shoulda read the ticket
before you came in.Copy !req
512. Obviously, but, guys,
I've gotta get to work.Copy !req
513. Help me here.Copy !req
514. You know what?
I'm willing to go out on a limb here.Copy !req
515. What? No.Copy !req
516. No, fuck what that ticket says,
I'm serious.Copy !req
517. We'll put up a Broadway caliber show
right here in town.Copy !req
518. Yeah, you and I will write
the lyrics of the musicCopy !req
519. and the owner will write the book.Copy !req
520. - I'm sorry, but I still—
- What, you wanna write the book, too?Copy !req
521. I just wanted my suit!Copy !req
522. Hey, hey. Hey, man.Copy !req
523. What's really goin' on here?Copy !req
524. - I...Copy !req
525. I can't write a Broadway show
with you guys.Copy !req
526. - Why not?
- Because...Copy !req
527. I don't have an idea for a Broadway show.Copy !req
528. Well, maybe one.Copy !req
529. It's kind of obvious, but...Copy !req
530. it's about a house.Copy !req
531. A special house.Copy !req
532. Wait. So, the rooms come to life?Copy !req
533. Yeah, that's the idea.Copy !req
534. It's about a house
who tells its story through song.Copy !req
535. I mean, I said it was kind of obvious.Copy !req
536. Shut up, shut up.Copy !req
537. There's a family...Copy !req
538. they're not getting along.Copy !req
539. Uh, misunderstandings, secrets.Copy !req
540. Uh...Copy !req
541. The rooms in the house
conspire to bring them closer.Copy !req
542. They love the house, and, uh...Copy !req
543. the house loves them back.Copy !req
544. Yeah, okay, uh...Copy !req
545. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
546. Cares.Copy !req
547. The stairway should throw the party,
not the dining room!Copy !req
548. - What?
- The dumbwaiterCopy !req
549. should write the letter to the basementCopy !req
550. and the basement ran away,
not the upstairs bathroom!Copy !req
551. Well, how would the basement run away?
Think!Copy !req
552. Secret room.Copy !req
553. A secret room.Copy !req
554. Uh, a safe room...Copy !req
555. that nobody knows about,
comes knockin' at the door.Copy !req
556. - That doesn't make any sense.
- Shut up!Copy !req
557. Shut up.Copy !req
558. Uh, the safe room...Copy !req
559. The prodigal room.Copy !req
560. It's been gone, I don't—
I don't know where, um...Copy !req
561. - It doesn't matter.
- Shut up, it doesn't matter.Copy !req
562. It's been gone and it's back
and it has the deed.Copy !req
563. And then the deed sings your song,
"Foundations and Love."Copy !req
564. - Shut up! Yeah.
- Shut up, I got this.Copy !req
565. Yeah, I'll shut up.Copy !req
566. Shut up!Copy !req
567. —And that gives the garageCopy !req
568. the hope it's been dreaming of.Copy !req
569. And the winner for best musical is...Copy !req
570. Rooms, The Musical.Copy !req
571. - Oh, man. Thank you.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
572. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
573. - Thank you.
- Oh, we did it!Copy !req
574. Thank you so much.
Uh, we have so many people to thank.Copy !req
575. Uh, uh, Hamish Quentley
at Knightsly Publishing.Copy !req
576. His enthusiasm was what kept us going.Copy !req
577. Uh, Tonya Guilfroy at, uh,
Connecticut Muffins.Copy !req
578. This is for you.Copy !req
579. Oh, look who's here, Donald Steeling.
He played the Dumbwaiter.Copy !req
580. - We almost cut that song!
- We almost cut that song.Copy !req
581. - I can't believe that.
- Oh, is there anybody else?Copy !req
582. Uh, I don't know if I...Copy !req
583. - I don't think so.
- We're not forgetting anybody?Copy !req
584. - No, I think that's it.
- No, uh... Oh, wait!Copy !req
585. Yes, one more.Copy !req
586. We'd like to thank...Copy !req
587. - us.Copy !req
588. - All right, thank you.
- Here's to us!Copy !req
589. - Thank you. Oh, oh...
- Oh, and...Copy !req
590. And also, the laundry ticket!Copy !req
591. - The laundry ticket.
- The original ticket.Copy !req
592. All right, thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
593. Oh! Wait, no!
Wait, stop! Stop!Copy !req
594. There is one other person
we need to thank.Copy !req
595. 'Cause we couldn't have done it
without the cashier/owner.Copy !req
596. Bring him up here!
Let him know, everybody.Copy !req
597. Oh, wow, this is so—Copy !req
598. I know
I don't have a lot of time.Copy !req
599. I wrote something,
I'm gonna screw this up.Copy !req
600. I don't even know what I wrote.Copy !req
601. Um...Copy !req
602. Oh.Copy !req
603. "A prophure of the picmed Mohaphet."Copy !req
604. - Who knows what that...Copy !req
605. Bob, that's three times!Copy !req
606. Seventy-two virgins!Copy !req
607. - What?
- Oh, whoa!Copy !req
608. —Um, are...Copy !req
609. Are you and Bob ever gonna get together
and do something?Copy !req
610. - Are you guys still friends?Copy !req
611. Um, Bob, are you, um, making more...Copy !req
612. Breaking Bads?Copy !req
613. - Oh, yeah.
- Wait, no, it's not...Copy !req
614. What about the Arrested Development movie?Copy !req
615. I don't know, I wanna do it, but...Copy !req
616. When you did that third
Chipmunks movie... why?Copy !req
617. Right, yeah, right...Copy !req
618. Hey, what was Chris Farley like?Copy !req
619. —Very nice guy.Copy !req
620. - Very glad to know him.
- Ooh, ooh!Copy !req
621. I have a monkey and a llama
named Bob and David.Copy !req
622. - Great, great.
- Just thought you'd want to know.Copy !req
623. - Very important, thank you.
- Hey! Hi!Copy !req
624. Would you guys sign my tits?Copy !req
625. Love to. Thank you.Copy !req
626. - David? Make good hash out of him.
- Yeah, sure.Copy !req