W/ Bob & David 1x1

1. What?

2. - The jig is up, Mike. - And what jig would that be?

3. The meat jig.

4. You've got to quit with the beef

5. - and the fatty foods.

6. Your triglycerides are off the charts.

7. Oh, but I love meat. Oh, can I still have those—

8. No! No turkey, no kosher, no meat.

9. How about pepperoni pizza?

10. This isn't funny, Mike.

11. I'm not joking and this ain't no show, mister.

12. I'll see you in a year...

13. hopefully.

14. I'll do my best.

15. In the year 1998, two men, one named Bob, the other David,

16. finally finished the run of a little-known comedy program

17. and immediately climbed into this real time travel machine.

18. They set the clock for the year 2015.

19. The machine has arrived at the chosen moment

20. and they will now see what their future holds.

21. Here we are. The year 2015.

22. It worked! The time machine is real!

23. Hey, they finally made it!

24. Paul F. Tompkins! John Ennis!

25. Jill! Brian! Jay! You guys are all still hanging around.

26. God, Bob, they're so old!

27. Oh, my God, you guys... you've seriously aged.

28. Yeah, uh, well, look at yourselves. It's disgusting.

29. Yeah. You guys are older than us.

30. We can't be older because we traveled in this time machine.

31. Uh, we watched you get in that and that was 16 years ago.

32. Yeah, dude, it just sat there for 16 years.

33. Jesus, what's that smell?

34. - Oh, uh... - Brian, you don't wanna go in—

35. - Yeah, that— - Ugh!

36. Oh, my God! Did you guys shit in there for 16 years?

37. But, wait, we did travel in time, right?

38. I mean, you got in that machine 16 years ago

39. and then 16 years passed, so...

40. No, it's a real time travel machine. That's what the doctor said.

41. Yeah, Dr. Gilly Fartsworth! He was a real doctor.

42. Maybe what the doctor meant was it was a real-time travel machine.

43. Oh, right, there we go.

44. So, I mean, you did travel through time, but just in real-time.

45. So, it's, uh... it's a box.

46. That you shit in.

47. Well, yeah, if you get the deluxe model.

48. Oh, you guys got ripped off.

49. David... there's one thing we gotta do.

50. - Take a sh— Right? No? - No.

51. We gotta go back in time 16 years

52. and get our money back from Dr. Gilly Fartsworth!

53. Whoa, here we are! But is it 16 years ago?

54. Whoa, Bob, you look really old.

55. Well, David, you look really fake-old.

56. David! Bob! You made it! You traveled back and forth in time!

57. Uh, dude, you sold us a toilet.

58. I don't know what you're talking about.

59. You just got inside the real time travel machine a few seconds ago.

60. David, he's got a point.

61. We did just travel back in time just now.

62. - Kind of amazing. - All right! So I did it!

63. No, you would've done it if we traveled through time

64. without aging the exact amount of time we traveled.

65. Well, it can do that.

66. Come on, let me show. Can I show you?

67. See, that's your control panel,

68. so you can pick which date you want to go to.

69. You guys have it set to real-time. That's option one.

70. Or you can hit this button here, take that hyphen right out of there.

71. Now you've got a real time travel machine.

72. And you can travel through time in nanoseconds!

73. - That's it? - That's it. It's the de-hyphenator.

74. It's really the most impressive part of the machine.

75. So, now when we travel through time, we won't age anymore?

76. No! Uh, well, a few minutes or you can hit this button right here.

77. That activates the age-decreaser.

78. But I don't know if you'd want anything like that.

79. Of course we want something like that!

80. Age-decreaser? Yes! Why didn't you tell us?

81. - Everyone needs one of those. - Okay, okay!

82. Wow, we did it! We're back in the present.

83. David? Oh, come on!

84. Just give me a minute, Bob. I had the lamb jaffir for lunch.

85. Oh! That's a good one. I'll use that.

86. - Because you guys bailed on yourselves... - Hey, Drew, you in this hand?

87. - Yeah. - Yeah, hang on.

88. Geez! Your toilet smells like a time machine!

89. - Such a good book. - That is ripe!

90. Okay. Seven card Chicago, tens are wild, follow the twos.

91. - Yeah, I am in! All right! - I'm feeling good.

92. Uh, here's a question. Did anybody make a New Year's resolution this year?

93. - Oh, come on, man! - Maybe.

94. Follow up question... uh, has anybody kept them?

95. I actually put my house on the market.

96. - What? - Oh, you're doing it?

97. Yeah, I'm quitting my job at the warehouse,

98. I took Brian out of school,

99. I got plane tickets to Hollywood and I'm gonna do it. Finally.

100. I'm gonna direct big budget, crowd-pleasing, award-winning films.

101. - That's so nice. - Well, that's awesome!

102. - Good for you, man. - Thanks, buddy. I'm excited.

103. Wait, I'm sorry. So, Kyle...

104. you're just gonna become a major Hollywood director?

105. Yeah, Mike, keep up.

106. Yeah, uh, me? I'm doing it too, man, for real.

107. Tanya's letting me take over the basement, sold the truck, got a pallet of bromine...

108. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna start my own cell phone company!

109. - Awesome! That's awesome. - That's great!

110. You know, simple, just...

111. you know, design a phone, build a phone, sort out the...

112. - you know, cellular signal thing. - The bar thing.

113. Whatever that's called, yeah.

114. And then, boom!

115. Tough titties, Samsung! There's a new kid on the block.

116. - All right! - Good for you, pal!

117. You know that Samsung is, like, a huge company, right?

118. - Come on! - Yeah, I know that.

119. Well, how are you gonna outsell them?

120. 'Cause it's gonna be a better product, asshole!

121. You know, it's gonna have a camera with a zoom lens.

122. It's gonna take apps and— Just a better—

123. Mike, use your ears to listen.

124. Speaking of which...

125. - have you made a resolution? - Yeah.

126. Yeah, as a matter of fact I have.

127. You know, I just, um... just saw my doctor...

128. and she says my cholesterol is a little high.

129. - Listen to her. - Yeah, you have to.

130. Yeah, so...

131. You know, after my brother's heart attack last year,

132. - that was a real wake up call, and, um— - Sorry, man.

133. So I realize I gotta do it. No more red meat.

134. Not eating red meat anymore.

135. You love meat though.

136. Yeah, I know, but... if I keep eating it, I'll die, so...

137. from now on it's just chicken, fish and tofu.

138. No more red meat for me. End of story.

139. Hey, what are we playing, again? Is it Chicago time?

140. - Over and under. - Over and under.

141. It's over and under. Over and under and sevens.

142. - Last game, it was five and ten. - Yeah.

143. So, you know, I hope when we order pizza, um...

144. maybe we get, like, half veggie or at least just plain cheese,

145. because, um... not eatin' red meat anymore.

146. You know, I could go for pizza. I think that's...

147. I'm way ahead of you, man. I'm gonna dial one up on the app thing.

148. - You know what? Pepperoni and ham, please. - Okay.

149. - And prosciutto as well, also! - Italian for "ham".

150. Can I get half sausage and on the other half double sausage?

151. Oh, there he is!

152. - So your basic Meat Lover's Special there. - Yeah, right.

153. Can we get, like, a small, with, uh... with no meat on it?

154. Oh, you don't think I can do this?

155. Come on, man. These are real resolutions.

156. Mine is, too! It's for my health.

157. Mike, look, I get your sarcasm, okay?

158. You don't think I can be a major film director,

159. so you pitch this no-meat, over-the-top bullshit!

160. I think you're being a shitty friend right now, okay?

161. - I wasn't being sarcastic, I was just— - Oh, come on!

162. Mike was being shitty. Let's end it there.

163. Yeah.

164. Okay. Uh, in other news, I made a resolution, too.

165. I'm running for office.

166. - Awesome! - That's wonderful!

167. Excuse me, what office?

168. Pope.

169. - No kidding? - Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

170. - Oh, buddy! - The big kahuna.

171. - No better man for it. - You can do it.

172. You're Jewish.

173. Yeah. And I got three responses to that one.

174. One, so was Jesus. Two, who cares?

175. - Three, ride this!

176. There it is!

177. - That's our pope. - That's gonna get 'em.

178. You know what? Since we're all being honest here...

179. Well, some of us.

180. Um, I just wanted to tell you guys that I've been studying up,

181. reading a lot and I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna be a judge.

182. - Oh, that's great! - Start at the circuit court level.

183. Nice and low, you know, and work my way up and retire

184. and then I'm gonna be a famous no-nonsense TV judge. Whoo!

185. That's great, George. Good for you, buddy.

186. - Thanks. - Hey, George,

187. how're you gonna be a judge when you're still on parole?

188. Mike, you're not being very supportive, okay?

189. What? When I said my no-meat thing, you guys gave me nothing.

190. That's because it's insane!

191. You can learn how to be a judge. You can't learn how to not like something.

192. I'll die if I don't do it! I have no choice!

193. Oh, my God! Mike, we didn't support your no-meat thing

194. 'cause it's bullshit and we know you're only gonna last for two seconds

195. 'cause you love pepperoni!

196. So just ease up, learn how to be a good friend, and cut the bullshit!

197. - Yeah.

198. —There it is!

199. - It's open!

200. Mama Margharetti's two minute pizza.

201. Get your pizza in two minutes or half of it is free.

202. Here, this is fake. You can keep all of it.

203. - All right. - All right.

204. - Oh! - All right, douchebags.

205. - Whoo! - Oh, yeah!

206. Drew Zimble's Zimble Phone took over the market in less than a year.

207. You're probably watching this on one of his devices now.

208. George Jackson was appointed Federal Judge of the Ninth Circuit.

209. Mike Langorghetti lasted 1.3 seconds until he ate meat.

210. Jonah Abramowitz became the first elected freelance pope,

211. and was beloved for doing most of his poping from home.

212. —... and you have my blessing.

213. Boop!

214. Honey, what do you want for dinner?

215. Let's keep it kosher.

216. I guess it's going to be Herschel's again!

217. Guys! Herschel's is here!

218. Serving succulent kosher turkey bacon and our award-winning turkey oysters.

219. All 100% allowed by Hebrew law.

220. Because we pride ourselves in producing the highest quality treats

221. previously available only to Gentiles.

222. And now, for a limited Passover treat...

223. new Herschel's Turkey Jesus!

224. Worship the true Son of God without breaking any Hebrew law.

225. So don't worry, Herschel's Turkey Jesus contains only the leanest turkey,

226. slaughtered under the basic laws of Kashrut

227. and free of any physiological abnormalities.

228. And it's just as good as the real thing, because Herschel's Turkey Jesus is pious,

229. sits at the right hand of the father,

230. and most importantly, he's deliciously forgiving!

231. And don't forget to read all about the Turkey Savior

232. with this limited edition Turkey New Testament.

233. Certified by Pope Jonah Abramowitz.

234. It has my blessing.

235. You're watching Judge George "No Nonsense" Jackson,

236. where real people bring real cases

237. in front of retired California circuit court judge George Jackson.

238. And no nonsense is ever allowed.

239. Tonight, the defendant, Chazz Maloney, a world-ranked UFC fighter.

240. Chazz is accused of unprovoked assault

241. and causing bodily harm to the plaintiff Andy Duane,

242. who claims he was brutally attacked

243. and still has the physical and mental scars to show for it.

244. Andy is suing Chazz for medical costs and emotional trauma

245. in the Case of the Popcorn Punch-Out.

246. All remain seated.

247. Tonight, Judge George "No Nonsense" Jackson is on vacation.

248. Filling in, Judge Sandy "Some Nonsense" Whistleton.

249. Your Honor.

250. All righty. Here we go!

251. Here it comes. All right. Oh! Yep.

252. Okay, whoa! Well, this is new here. What do I— What do I do? Just sit in it?

253. - Yes, sir, just sit right in it. - Okay, let's give this a...

254. One, two, buckle my shoe. See how this goes.

255. All right, what do we have here tonight?

256. Chazz Maloney and Andy Duane.

257. Uh, one of you is a fighter and, uh, which one's which?

258. - I'm the fighter, sir. - Don't hit me!

259. - I'm not gonna hit anyone. - Yeah.

260. Okay, now I wanna hear both sides, okay? Plaintiff, you, you go first.

261. He almost killed me, sir.

262. He broke my nose, he split my lip, he twisted my arm.

263. My doctor says he hyper-extended both of my elbows.

264. And he pinned me!

265. Uh, it was all a misunderstanding.

266. I was in the ring, I had been training for months,

267. waiting for my opponent, and then he just walks in.

268. No! I didn't go to fight you, okay?

269. Sir, I didn't wanna fight anyone.

270. Okay, but you were in the ring.

271. Didn't know it was a ring. It's a square.

272. Sir, what kind of a ring is a square?

273. There is no such thing. That's made up. Okay.

274. All right, but it was the only space like that.

275. I was just taking a shortcut to the goddamn concession area,

276. and then you started banging me around!

277. Okay, well, I'm a fighter. That's what I do.

278. I didn't know what was going on in that building.

279. I just wanted some popcorn and I—

280. "That building"? The Staples Center?

281. Whatever it's called.

282. I don't know the name of every building, sir.

283. I don't know 'em.

284. Honest to Pete! I mean, how can anyone be asked to know

285. every single building in Los Angeles?

286. Okay, well, why would you wander into a massive arena?

287. To buy popcorn! I already told you!

288. Don't play the blame game with me. You'll lose!

289. That's a very good point.

290. When you talk, I don't wanna hear excuses. I just wanna hear facts from you.

291. Okay, well, he was wearing fighting shorts.

292. I just said it's not your turn to talk!

293. Go ahead.

294. Fighting shorts are my underwear!

295. I was home alone, I popped out to get popcorn—

296. See, there's two ways to pop.

297. Judge, shut up.

298. I was home alone watching the film Home Alone...

299. - Can I talk? - Shh.

300. I popped out to get popcorn.

301. I walked across the street. There was a fella out front.

302. I asked him if they sold popcorn inside. He said yes.

303. So, I paid $49 for a ticket, plus surcharges...

304. I went inside, I saw an open area, I walked towards it,

305. climbed through a couple of ropes,

306. and then you started whaling on me!

307. Okay, but he punched me first!

308. Is this true, Mr. Duane? Did you strike him first?

309. I asked him if they sold popcorn.

310. He ignored me... so, yes, I punched him!

311. He was rude!

312. Okay, I said I was sorry.

313. You interrupt me one more time and I'll punch you again, brother!

314. Sir, please stay in control.

315. Okay, all right, stop! Stop it! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Okay.

316. I'm sorry, you're out of order here, okay?

317. A man walks into your place of business in his pajamas

318. and you start punching him around, give him the old one-two up the kazoo?

319. Uh-uh! Not in my courtroom, Sally Anne.

320. And you...

321. you're right.

322. When you're right, you're right.

323. I got to hand it to you, kiddo, you came in here like a house on fire,

324. barnstorming, you made your points.

325. Good schmuckus on ya.

326. All right, well, I find for the plaintiff.

327. Give him whatever he wants, okay?

328. Find out what he wants, give it to him, on me, okay?

329. All right, so that's all for me. That— I was—

330. Okay, I'm gonna leave now. What do I— How do I—

331. You just stand up, sir, and walk away.

332. Up next, she says, she left her car overnight at his garage

333. and when she came to retrieve it, the radio was gone.

334. He says that's impossible.

335. The garage is locked and only she has the key.

336. In the case of the car in the garage that somebody has the key to.

337. Filling in for Judge Sandy "Some Nonsense" Whistleton

338. is Judge Gibby "All Nonsense" Whangdoodle.

339. Now, that's what I call a real nightcap!

340. Boo!

341. Judge George is brought to you by Prilo-Vac.

342. Honey, it looks like Herschel's again!

343. When you eat like a giant baby with money,

344. your stomach can feel like Dante's Inferno.

345. That's when even the pope reaches for Prilo-Vac.

346. Yee-haw!

347. Whoo-hoo!

348. Prilo-Vac clears everything out in seconds

349. and tells your stupid body to quit its screaming and man up!

350. Prilo-Vac looks your stomach right in the eye

351. and says, "Ride this!" Yee-haw!

352. Bless me, Lord, I can eat like a fucking idiot with no repercussions.

353. Prilo-Vac...

354. I'm Charlene Boyeur.

355. My guest tonight is film director Peter Allison Montcrief,

356. whose new film, Better Roots,

357. takes on the most disgraceful chapter in American history,

358. the showing of Roots.

359. With his multi-part TV film, Better Roots, Peter, welcome.

360. Charlene, thank you.

361. Now, the word "dignity," it's not often associated with films about slavery.

362. Well, we don't use that word.

363. - Dignity? - No, the other word.

364. Films?

365. No.

366. - Associate? - No, the last word you used.

367. - It starts with the letter "S". - Slavery!

368. That's the one, yes. We're trying to move past that.

369. See, that word has so many negative connotations, you know,

370. if you'd bothered to look it up.

371. What we've done is...

372. we're using the words "helper" and "helping".

373. You know, 'cause that's what these people did.

374. They helped build a nation.

375. - Dignity all around. - Yeah.

376. This is a film that you can show in any classroom,

377. and those kids are gonna walk out of there feeling good about themselves,

378. feeling good about their ancestors, feeling great about me,

379. and good about America.

380. Okay, let's look at a clip.

381. Whoa! Whoa!

382. Lemonade break!

383. Here you go.

384. Um, if I could take a moment out of your lemonade break,

385. I'd like to say, thank you on behalf of myself—

386. Damn you! Damn you to hell, Dilton!

387. We out here, we're trying to help you and everything, but...

388. you slowing us down with all these lemonade breaks

389. and snack times and thank yous.

390. Don't nobody need no thank you.

391. Well, you better get used to it, 'cause I'm gonna thank you every day.

392. You hear me? Dignity, all around!

393. Now, there was a "The End" there. Is that the end of the film?

394. No, Charlene, that'd be ridiculous.

395. Why would I— No, that's the end of the clip.

396. So, that was just the end of the clip.

397. Okay, would you say that this is a new take on an old story?

398. Uh, it's an update, nothing more, you know.

399. That's all it is, really.

400. We're showing a side that's never been shown.

401. I'd like to ask you about the scene where the slaves are getting paid.

402. Helpers! Helpers.

403. Yes. Let's watch.

404. Tunde!

405. Aren't you gonna sign for it?

406. Oh... yes, Mr. Dilton.

407. Mr. Dilton is my father.

408. My name's Jody.

409. Thank you, Jody.

410. Not so fast.

411. Now, I heard...

412. somebody said something about somebody in the field.

413. A helper...

414. gettin' all high and mighty, and tellin' how they be

415. doing twice the work of the other helper.

416. Maybe even...

417. more work than old Greeb here.

418. Yeah.

419. You don't know nothing about that, now do you?

420. No, sir— Jody.

421. I just do my job best I can,

422. do school at night so I can become a lawyer,

423. and then President of the United States one day,

424. and keep my mouth shut.

425. Then you don't know nothing about nothing, they talked to nobody no how, is that it?

426. Yes.

427. Well, good.

428. - Then I musta got the right helper.

429. You got something special in your pay packet.

430. Open it up.

431. I can't read so good.

432. Can you read that to me?

433. It say...

434. - You wanna collect on that now?

435. - I would, sir. - Oh, I'm so glad you said yes.

436. Come on, Greeb, get in on this hug.

437. - All righty. I'm in there. - Come on, Greeb.

438. - I need a friend. - Nobody hugs like old Greeb.

439. He just thought he was getting money.

440. Well, now that is an uplifting ending.

441. No, that's the end of the clip.

442. I put "The End" over the end of the clips

443. so you wouldn't get confused.

444. You know, I don't want people to watch this show

445. and think this show is part of the movie.

446. That's why I put "The End" over the clips, so they would know. Otherwise...

447. Now, your detractors are saying that you've whitewashed things.

448. Okay, well, that's racist. As a white man, I find that insulting,

449. and it feels like I'm being personally attacked.

450. And look, we don't shy away from the brutality of helperism.

451. - Slavery. - That's your word, okay?

452. We have a brutal whipping scene in here which is, uh,

453. quite frankly, unforgiving, you know.

454. Show that, why don't you? Get off my ass for a fucking second.

455. Hear, hear!

456. What the hell are you doing? You're hurting him!

457. What? It wasn't—

458. - What the hell you doin'? - It wasn't me, it's this whip here.

459. The whip?

460. I followed the instructions to the letter.

461. Let me see 'em.

462. - It's right here. - Show me the instruction.

463. - They made this thing too shaky. - Shut up, now.

464. Greeb, what the heck you done? Which end did you hold?

465. I helded this end.

466. - And then you hit him with... - I hit him with the wraggly end.

467. I don't care about that. You untie him.

468. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Mr. Dilton.

469. I'm so sorry. You all right there? I didn't mean to do nothing.

470. I can't remember how I tied this. Get it off.

471. Okay, is that better? There we go. Okay.

472. - Now, Greeb... - Yes, sir.

473. You know what you gotta do.

474. Yes, I reckon I do, sir.

475. I need to return this here whip.

476. It almost really hurt this helper.

477. Now that just said "The End" twice.

478. Yes, it's the end of the movie and the end of the clip.

479. Fascinating.

480. Tomorrow night, my guest will be America's premiere sci-fi director, Kyle Buggins,

481. whose new film has become, in just a few short weeks,

482. the highest-grossing film ever made.

483. Trans-Form-Bots, about transsexual robots

484. that can switch their sexual identities at will,

485. and switch back also, or not be robots at all either even.

486. The Charlene Boyeur Show

487. is funded in part by Zimble Internation Phones.

488. Mike said I couldn't do it.

489. They did it. Every single one of 'em.

490. I did my best.

491. Code blue. Room 305.

492. The decision did not go in your favor. Uh, your reaction?

493. Well, the decision is one thing, uh...

494. For me, uh, I found that the amount of nonsense

495. was of a greater degree than I had been led to believe it would be.

496. Thank you.

497. And the decision did go in your favor and your reaction?

498. I think it was the exact right amount of nonsense.