Vice Principals 1x7

1. Todd Frechette, why are you here?

2. - I'm going to school. - It's teachers' workday.

3. We did announcements about it every day this week. Go home.

4. But my mom's not home and the door is locked.

5. Okay, well, then go bowling or go play stupid video games

6. or go masturbate in your car... whatever it is that teenage boys do.

7. You can't be here.

8. No, no, no... Not "uh, uh, uh." Go home.

9. Go home. Open this door, open the next door.

10. Open the door after that.

11. - But... I'm walking! - Keep walking.

12. - We need a day without children! - Okay!

13. - Please! For the adults, please. - All right!

14. Hey, Ray. Janelle here?

15. Yeah, she's getting ready for her travel race.

16. - Want to come in? - I think it's better if I stay out here.

17. Okay.

18. Janelle?

19. Dad?

20. - Hey. You look good. - Thanks.

21. I... I just stopped by to drop off some things

22. that you left at my place.

23. This macaroni bracelet you made.

24. This sonogram of you as an embryo.

25. This decorative ashtray.

26. - It's a key bowl. - Well, whatever it is,

27. this stuff is too painful to look at.

28. Perhaps Ray will appreciate them.

29. Dad, all I did was ask you not to come to motocross anymore.

30. You're making a huge deal out of it.

31. Actually, no, you're making a big deal out of it

32. because you yelled at me in front of everyone.

33. You know what? I'm gonna go

34. because I don't want to get too emotional

35. and say something I'm gonna regret.

36. I understand you have a race today.

37. I'd like it if you'd give me a call,

38. let me know how you did.

39. Track conditions.

40. I believe you owe me that much.

41. Have a nice life.

42. Hello, faculty and staff. Welcome to teacher workday.

43. - Now... - Yay! Belinda Brown!

44. Y'all raise it up! Whoo, whoo-whoo!

45. All right, Mr. Russell.

46. Now I know we've had some squabbles recently.

47. And if my teachers aren't feeling good,

48. that means I've messed up somewhere along the way.

49. So I'd like for us all to come together

50. for some teamwork exercises.

51. We're all going to meet in the gym

52. and we're going to have some good old-fashioned fun.

53. And after that,

54. a catered lunch from Pogo's Tacos!

55. Oh, yeah! I love tacos!

56. Yay!

57. Yeah!

58. Save a taco for me, okay?

59. Um... Dr. B?

60. Java, java, java. Who wants some?

61. Already got one.

62. Oh, Mr. Gamby, I'd like you to compile

63. a structural leakage report today.

64. And I want you to take Miss Swift.

65. You guys need to do a walkabout, check all the rooms and the roof.

66. Fuck this day. Come on, Swift.

67. Move your ass. Let's go.

68. What is wrong with him?

69. Oh, I don't know. Probably some stupid sports thing.

70. Hey, I'm... I'm really looking forward

71. to me and you getting to have some fun times.

72. Are we just gonna eat and be bad all day?

73. I have something else in mind for you.

74. Mr. Russell, these are my sons, Luke and Mario.

75. - Oh! What strong genes. - Mm!

76. One of them looks like Will Smith.

77. And the other one, he... Well, I bet he's real nice.

78. Well, you gonna get to know 'em today, okay?

79. I need you to stay in here all day

80. and keep your eyes on these two.

81. Excuse me? You want me to watch your kids the entire day?

82. Well, what...

83. Well, I don't think that this really falls under my job description.

84. Well, it does today, Mr. Russell.

85. And you're gonna be just fine.

86. Keep them in this room and do not let them out of your sight.

87. Y'all have fun now!

88. - Oh, I need to... Belinda? - Bye, Mama.

89. Uh, Dr. Brown?

90. - I just... - Hey, you smoke weed?

91. All right, Swift, looks like we got two tiles, minor water damage.

92. Write that down.

93. Next room.

94. Knew it. This pipe is leaking. Mark it.

95. Looks like we got another hole in the dyke. Mark it, Swift.

96. Damaged tile, Swift. Don't look at me weird.

97. I didn't know what that meant.

98. - Are you sure? - I... I...

99. - You are... - Sir...

100. I'm just kidding. A dyke holds back water.

101. And this looks like one broke, so...

102. Come on, Swift. Get in closer, look at it.

103. - Is it buckling? - Um, maybe?

104. You want to speak a language or you just want to moan

105. Is it damaged or is it not?

106. Enough of the noises. I don't like the grunting.

107. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

108. Get down from there right now. Come on.

109. There's a water-filtration problem on hall D.

110. Go check that out. Turn my flashlight off. You're wasting the batteries.

111. You're actually doing work on teacher workday?

112. - What a loser. - I hate today. There's no kids here to bust.

113. I mean, what the hell am I even doing here? It sucks.

114. - Are you doing okay? - Fine.

115. I've gotten over my daughter.

116. - Over her? - Yes, I've moved on.

117. - Okay. - Ray won her. So conversation over.

118. Well, they say that food is good for the soul.

119. And I am starving. Do you want to whip me up some breakfast?

120. I mean, the kitchen's all locked up. The big door is shut.

121. And what are these for? Hmm?

122. - Ow! - Sorry.

123. You are in for a treat today.

124. Got my famous Gamby breakfast scramble going here.

125. My daughter loves this.

126. Well, loved it. She's not going to be eating too much of this anymore.

127. Hmm! Too bad, so sad.

128. I want to help.

129. You want to help?

130. - Yeah. Show me. - Okay.

131. Um, well, there's not really much to do. We're just kind of like...

132. - Take the handle? - Yeah, move the whisk around.

133. - Okay, like that? - Just try to keep it slow and even

134. just so it doesn't stick to the bottom of the frying pan.

135. - Okay. - Yeah, just...

136. Whoa, look. It's, uh, sticking here.

137. - Let it get away from us there for a moment. - Yeah.

138. You want to get the plates for us to eat it on?

139. Yes. Okay.

140. Well, that was good.

141. Yeah, I'm pretty stuffed. I guess I'll see you

142. - at the team-building thing, huh? - Okay, yeah.

143. See ya. Yeah.

144. - I'll take it. - Yeah, bye.

145. Cool.

146. Large black male.

147. No. No, sir! Hands out of that vending machine right now.

148. Drop the snacks right there. Who the hell are you?

149. What are you doing here?

150. Shit! Shit! Get back here!

151. Come back here! Son of a bitch!

152. Submit to me! Submit to me! Who are you?

153. Okay, okay!

154. - Okay, man! - What are you doing here?

155. - Dascious? - You know this man, Dr. Brown?

156. - I'm her husband, man! - Ex-husband.

157. That may be son, but I ain't an ex-father.

158. I got a right to see my boys.

159. I caught him trespassing in the hallway.

160. He was stealing food out of the vending machines.

161. They was... they was hanging down, cookies.

162. They was paid for already.

163. Exactly why I had to leave your behind.

164. - You're just a bad influence. - They're my boys too.

165. You can't keep me from hugging my own sons.

166. Please, Belinda, I need them.

167. Mr. Gamby, take this broke-ass motherfucker out to the street.

168. - You heard her. Let's go. - Okay.

169. - Broke-ass motherfucker? - All right! Come on!

170. I want to see my damn boys!

171. Get out of here!

172. Look at his jeans.

173. Uh, yes, look at my jeans.

174. You wish you could afford 'em. They're 7 for All Mankind.

175. So why are you gay?

176. I'm not.

177. Oh, okay. Well, look at this.

178. That's a picture of me and my wife

179. on a picnic yesterday... Blue skies.

180. - She Chinese. - She's Korean.

181. - I'm gonna be a famous singer. - Uh, you're not leaving this room.

182. You're not... You're not leaving this room.

183. Hey, hey, stop. Give me that.

184. Oh, that's my son, man.

185. See, that's my... That's my son!

186. - Go, go, go! - That's my son!

187. - Just... just... - What the hell?

188. You call your daddy?

189. Huh? You call him again, I'm gonna beat both y'all asses!

190. Belinda? Can I just have a word with you?

191. I have to ask... I'm really detecting

192. all these very aggressive vibes from you.

193. I told you to keep them in that office for a reason.

194. Now if I find them out of that office again,

195. you might find yourself out of this office.

196. And what the hell you grinning about?

197. Take your narrow ass back in that office!

198. Only "nut" you know about is Planters.

199. - Coming in here, you talkin' crazy! - Now...

200. In a moment, I'll pass out these cards.

201. You will place the card upon your forehead

202. and then ask your partner yes-or-no questions only

203. to try to guess the occupation.

204. This is about improving our communications skills.

205. Now partner up!

206. Dibs on Gamby!

207. Oh, actually, I was going to be partners with Miss Snodgrass.

208. Too late. Got your hand.

209. Stop.

210. Is it a stressful job?

211. It's definitely the hardest job in the world.

212. Wardrobe mistress for "Kinky Boots" on Broadway.

213. - Do I work long hours? - You're obsessed with your job.

214. Okay, um...

215. What's going on with you and Gamby?

216. You guys aren't, like, a thing, right?

217. - None of your business. - Seriously?

218. - Neal Gamby? - So what's the deal?

219. - Is Amanda your girlfriend now? - Why don't you just butt out?

220. I'm just wondering if your little binder actually worked.

221. I told you not to say anything about that.

222. And why don't you just mind your own business, all right?

223. - Do you want to cheat on her? - Can we just play the game?

224. Can we play the stupid game and guess this thing?

225. Uh... Um...

226. Do people want to see me?

227. - A chef? - No.

228. - Astronaut? - No.

229. - Nanny? - Why have you shut me out?

230. Traffic warden?

231. Am I helping people in some way?

232. No. You're a greedy jerk. You only care about yourself.

233. - You like it when I fucked you? - That's not anything to do...

234. This is about this job. I'm asking, do you like when this person fucks you?

235. I'm not talking about this anymore.

236. Am I making enough money to support my family?

237. Yes. But you feel empty inside,

238. like your life's work is meaningless.

239. What the fuck you say?

240. Excuse me.

241. Is my job someone who cares about you deeply?

242. No.

243. Did you ever have feelings for this job?

244. - No. - Wife?

245. No way in hell is it a wife.

246. - Lover? - Nope. Nothing.

247. - Best friend? - You're a truck driver.

248. You're a dirty truck driver.

249. Don't spin him! What are you doing?

250. Don't spin him right now! Will you stop?

251. You're gonna be drunk. You're gonna get out of this thing

252. and you're gonna throw up. Will you please just stop it?

253. Ow!

254. How are things going with Mario and Luigi?

255. It fuckin' sucks, is how it's going.

256. But that's okay. I'm gonna turn it into a positive.

257. I'm gonna ply their feeble minds for information about Big Mama.

258. The ultimate betrayal.

259. Why do you keep checking your phone?

260. Ain't nobody fuckin' calling you.

261. Checking to see if my daughter texted me about her race,

262. but of course she didn't because she doesn't care about me anymore.

263. I just hate teacher workdays, to tell you the truth.

264. I just get all emotionally fucked up in my own head.

265. There's nobody here except for the teachers.

266. I just feel like they're always looking at me like they're better than me.

267. Especially Abbot and Hayden. They do it the fuckin' most.

268. Hayden? That recycling cunt?

269. He wears clothes from Structure.

270. And Abbot's just a bipolar bitch. Fuck them.

271. I wish I could. See, those were good insults about them.

272. I can't come up with stuff like that.

273. That's not my forte. That's yours.

274. You want me to tell you the easiest way to go?

275. - Yes. - The throat, just like this.

276. - What? - Look for the face.

277. Hey, you got bad-ass fuckin' ears.

278. Hey, look at your dumb-ass nose.

279. Or in your case, like a fuckin' moustache.

280. You know, sometimes I go with you with the moustache?

281. It's all right here. Yeah, just don't do that thing

282. where you repeat a person's insult back at them.

283. That's just the worst. And you do that all the time.

284. No, I don't. You do that.

285. Just like that. See that?

286. That's what you just did. Don't be that person.

287. - Don't be you, Gamby. - Got it.

288. Hey, Neal, you want to come sit next to me?

289. Yeah.

290. Thanks for saving me a seat at the cool kids' table, huh?

291. Amanda, why don't you just sit in his lap?

292. Don't be a dick, Bill.

293. Oh, I'm a dick? 'Cause as I recall,

294. I read your book and did edits on it.

295. So I guess that makes me a dick now.

296. - Book? - Don't, no.

297. Amanda wrote a kids' book.

298. No, I wrote a YA novel, not a kids' book. Actually...

299. It's called "Cassiopeia Falling" or some shit.

300. It's about a dude that fucks dragons.

301. What? I'll be skipping that one.

302. What's so funny about that, Abbot?

303. You don't even know what the story's about.

304. Maybe it's not crazy. Maybe it's, like, a cool story.

305. A guy who fucks dragons? That's crazy.

306. It's more like bestiality.

307. Yeah, looks like something you're into with that shirt you wore.

308. How many fuckin' zebras did you have to fuck to get that on?

309. For your information, I got this at Nordstrom.

310. I didn't fuck any zebras.

311. - Pssh! Nordstrom Rack. - No, real Nordstrom.

312. It's like I've always imagined what a horse would look like when it talks,

313. and now I know.

314. Why don't you guys stop trying to bully Miss Snodgrass?

315. She wrote a book. That's a pretty cool thing to do.

316. It's probably more than you nerds have done.

317. Hey, we're just having a good time.

318. It was mean, Bill.

319. Don't let these idiots get into your head, all right?

320. Both these two fuckers.

321. Hold up for a second. Hello?

322. Janelle? Hello?

323. Neal?

324. Hey, sorry, I have Janelle's phone.

325. I must have butt-dialed you on accident.

326. Are you guys at the race?

327. Yes! Janelle made the final heat!

328. Big whoop. I know you just called to make me sad,

329. but guess what? Fuck you. Because I'm not sad.

330. It's the best teacher workday I've ever had before

331. - and everyone's laughing at my jokes. So there. - Okay.

332. - Enough. - Listen, Neal, I gotta...

333. If you'll excuse me.

334. - Neal. - Awkward!

335. Oh, shut up, horse face.

336. Dr. Brown?

337. Hello, Mr. Gamby.

338. Did you follow me here?

339. No, I was just... Just doing a patrol of...

340. I just needed a place to think.

341. Looks like this is where the kids come to smoke.

342. Figures.

343. I couldn't control my own family.

344. Why would I be able to control my school?

345. Are you upset about that black gentleman?

346. He's a lying, cheatin' piece of shit.

347. Never should have married that man.

348. What happened with you two?

349. I caught his ass, butt-naked in the bed

350. with a dancer from Club Risqué.

351. My son saw the whole thing.

352. Their daddy pulling out of this nasty-ass ho.

353. Dick all big and wet,

354. like a damn French-dip sandwich.

355. I knew I had to get my boys out of that town.

356. But he just won't quit trying to get his kids back.

357. Well, that... That I can understand.

358. Oh, you defendin' his lying ass now?

359. No, I'm not. I'm just speaking from personal experience.

360. I lost a child of my own.

361. Oh, Mr. Gamby. I'm so sorry, I didn't know that.

362. My daughter, she...

363. She recently had enough of me

364. and decided that she would swap me out

365. for a dad that she likes better.

366. I try to put on a tough exterior,

367. but all I can do is just think about her

368. and how she doesn't love me anymore.

369. I am so sorry, Mr. Gamby.

370. It's all right. It's not your fault.

371. You know, you got your boys.

372. So compared to Dascious, you didn't do too bad.

373. I appreciate you saying that.

374. I'm there for you. Okay?

375. Y'all ever seen real pussies before?

376. Mm-hmm.

377. Hmm.

378. Ooh. Mmm.

379. Not so gay now, am I?

380. This will be our dirty little secret.

381. Y'all know how to keep secrets, right?

382. - Yeah. - Good.

383. Good. Me too. I know how to keep secrets...

384. All kinds of secrets. Like, dark secrets.

385. Maybe there's some secrets y'all want to share with me?

386. Like what?

387. Oh, I don't know. Like...

388. what's mama like at home?

389. Does she ever do any fucked-up shit

390. or anything at home, maybe sometimes?

391. She fuck Luke.

392. Really? Are you serious?

393. She fucked us both.

394. I want you to tell me everything.

395. I need to know every single thing that has happened to you two.

396. Can we go to the vending machine and get snacks first?

397. Well, I'm really not supposed to let you leave this room.

398. But I will go get you whatever it is that you want

399. as long as when I come back,

400. you tell me all of your dirty little secrets.

401. Deal.

402. Deal!

403. - Hey. - Oh, Miss Snodgrass.

404. - You heading to the closing ceremony? - Yep.

405. Are you okay? You ran off.

406. Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, the real question is, are you okay?

407. Hayden came at you pretty hard.

408. He's an asshole.

409. His opinions are pretty stupid too.

410. I mean, I for one would love to read your book.

411. Uh, no, you don't. It sucks.

412. Come on, you let Hayden read it and give edits, you won't let me?

413. I write two memos a day and this guy teaches history.

414. Right? I know you're crazy.

415. - God damn it! - What the hell are you doing here?

416. You know Brown doesn't want to see you.

417. I know, I know, but... you seen a little wallet?

418. No, I haven't seen a goddamn wallet.

419. I must have lost it while you was chasing my ass.

420. All right, all right. Here it is right here!

421. Okay, snack attack! Who's hungry?

422. Oh!

423. Get back here! Oh, shit!

424. Ah!

425. Get back here!

426. Oh, sweet. Check this shit out.

427. Get back here, man!

428. - Get back here! - Oh, shit!

429. See, we should definitely be high while doin' this shit.

430. Oh, shit, don't move.

431. Fuck you, man!

432. - The auditorium. Go! - What? Oh, God.

433. Teaching can feel like a solo job

434. because it's just you in the classroom,

435. holding it down. But we can use teamwork...

436. Hey, hey, hey, stop the proceeding!

437. Dascious? Get the fuck out of there!

438. Dascious is here! Into the school.

439. Just... just let me say one thing.

440. Um, Belinda,

441. I know... I know that I fucked up in the past.

442. Bad. Fact is...

443. I failed you as a husband

444. and for that, I'm sorry.

445. I'll never forgive myself.

446. But please... please don't let me fail my boys.

447. Oh, real nice! Getting high on school grounds!

448. Only reason I'm not expelling you two

449. is 'cause y'all don't go to school here.

450. - You lied to me! - Mm-hmm.

451. Now let's go. Come down right this second.

452. We'll come down if you smoke this.

453. Come on.

454. Come on, come on.

455. Just throw... just... will you throw it down, please?

456. - Throw it down. - Okay.

457. Okay, all right, I'm high now.

458. Does that make you feel good?

459. Now come down. Your mom's gonna be in her office any minute.

460. $100.

461. - $8. - $100.

462. I'll give you $16 and that's it.

463. - $100. - Okay, $19.50,

464. and that's my last and final offer ever.

465. $100. I'm still thinking $100.

466. Fuck!

467. I want to believe you, Dascious, I do.

468. But... but those boys can't unsee what they saw.

469. They saw his dick.

470. - You remember how they cried? - Wow.

471. But I know a man needs his kids.

472. And I suppose they need you too.

473. You cannot come back and live with us,

474. but I can't control who stays at the Aristocrat Inn.

475. You for real?

476. I am.

477. Now, fool, get out of that booth so we can go get our boys.

478. Ha! Whoo!

479. Lee, you better get those kids wrangled up.

480. Mama Bear is on her way back to the den.

481. - Fuck. Right now? - Yes, now.

482. - Where are you? - My God, move, move, move!

483. - I'm coming. - Faster than that! Faster than that!

484. - Let's go. What are you doing? - I'm high as a motherfucker.

485. Your mother is on her way back to the office right now.

486. And if we're not sitting in that office when she gets there,

487. she's gonna beat all of our asses black.

488. - So move! Get up! - Shit, come on.

489. Big Mama's coming!

490. Okay, all right. No...

491. - We can hold hands or something. - No.

492. Hold on, I need a little refreshment.

493. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

494. Oh, shit. Refreshing as hell.

495. Whew!

496. Huh! Gotta come up for air.

497. - Actually, you know... - This way!

498. We never showed Dascious the music hall.

499. Maybe he wants to check that out real quick.

500. No, we can skip things. Dascious?

501. Go! What are you waiting for? Go! Fly!

502. This way, you stupid piece of shit.

503. Faster! God! You're going on a diet after this.

504. "And at that very moment, Pinocchio awoke

505. and opened wide his eyes."

506. - Boys? - Oh, hey, B.

507. Someone's here to see you.

508. Boys, you got a hug for your daddy?

509. Come here! Hey!

510. Oh, let me look at you!

511. I really appreciated our talk.

512. Yeah, me too.

513. Hold up, Russell.

514. How did it go?

515. Good. No problems whatsoever.

516. Your boys, they're a dream.

517. You a lyin' sack of shit.

518. Come on, come on!

519. Oh, here you are!

520. I've been looking all over for you.

521. Oh, hey. Yeah, I was just up here finishing up this shit.

522. What's that?

523. Uh, it's my book. I thought maybe you might... you could read it.

524. Yeah, I'd love to. I'm flattered.

525. Just remember, it's still really rough.

526. I mean, all the stuff with King Olgar

527. and Favian the Huntsman needs to be fleshed out a bit better.

528. But, I don't know, I think you might like Bluffin the Wizard.

529. Bluffin the Wizard? Sounds fascinating.

530. Just so you know, I'm kind of a slow reader,

531. so if this takes me a while to read it,

532. I hope you don't get offended or anything.

533. Oh, take your time. No rush.

534. Yeah.

535. You know, on a personal note,

536. I just want you to know that I just think

537. that you're a multi-talented, very terrific...

538. I'm gonna put your book down, okay?

539. Oh. Yeah.

540. Look at this fuck machine, all smilin'.

541. Yeah, did me good.

542. This wasn't a bad teacher workday after all, was it?

543. Nope.

544. Hold up. This bitch.

545. Yo, Gale, you can save your butt dials for someone else,

546. 'cause I just did it with the hottest teacher in school

547. and I am totally over my daughter.

548. Neal, stop!

549. Janelle's been in an accident. We're at the hospital.

550. What? Is she okay?

551. She's okay, she just... she needs you.

552. She just keeps calling out for you.

553. She needs me?

554. Gamby? Gamby?

555. What the fuck, Gamby?

556. Hey, man, she came in hot on the third...

557. - Daddy? - Baby, it's okay.

558. It's okay.

559. I'm here,

560. here for you, baby.