Vice Principals 1x2

1. Good morning, students.

2. Today's lunch options will be Salisbury steak

3. or pepperoni pizza.

4. The Magic Club will be meeting

5. in 109 today.

6. Java, Java.

7. Just like you like it,

8. two creams and four sugars.

9. Oh! Well, thank you, Mr. Russell.

10. You're gonna spoil me up in here.

11. It's not too late to sign up for...

12. Two creams and four sugars my ass.

13. She needs a fucking colon cleanse.

14. Goddamn it. Is it 7:45?

15. 'Cause my watch says 7:51 to me.

16. Bitch needed a coffee.

17. We need to be coordinated on all fronts.

18. All right? If we set a meet,

19. you show up at the goddamn meet time.

20. All right! I fuckin' heard you!

21. - You shut the fuck up. - Here, check this.

22. All the information

23. I was able to gather on Dumpus Maximus.

24. Personal data, government documents,

25. financial papers.

26. - You put this together yourself? - Yes, motherfucker.

27. I have one on everybody in this school.

28. You better not have one on me.

29. I processed the information. Now destroy it.

30. - Bullshit. - I have a photographic memory.

31. I've retained the pertinent informations

32. and discarded the rest.

33. Well, did you memorize the part about her firing

34. every other vice principal she's ever worked with?

35. W... where did it say that?

36. Page one!

37. Dumb-ass.

38. At the last three schools she's taken over,

39. she cleared out the front office

40. and replaced them.

41. Shit.

42. It means we gotta play nice.

43. Means we can't be fucking idiots.

44. Now, this woman

45. will fire you and me

46. and anybody else she doesn't like.

47. And don't make it easy on her. Keep your head down.

48. Start playing the fucking game.

49. Then what?

50. "Then what" what?

51. Then who seizes power, you or me?

52. it's every motherfucker for himself.

53. This is a temporary alliance.

54. To be honest, Gamby,

55. - I still think you're a fucking dipshit. - Well, I think

56. you're a fucking dipshit too.

57. You're a fucking dummy.

58. - I think your tie sucks. - I think you're stupid

59. - and your face is ridiculous to me. - Bushy-ass mustache

60. - wearing motherfucker. - Fuck your face. Fuck your butt.

61. The point is...

62. I can't destroy her all alone.

63. Psh. You're goddamn right you can't.

64. I agree to your terms.

65. We take the bitch down, then best man wins.

66. But until then, this is an equal partnership. You hear me?

67. I call the shots too. Not just you.

68. Oh, you wanna do it your way.

69. Write another letter to the goddamn school board.

70. Yeah, that's right.

71. You did it your way.

72. Now, motherfucker, we gonna do it mine.

73. Go further back.

74. The fuck?

75. All the grandkids are getting big.

76. Tracy's quite a looker,

77. just like her grandma.

78. Oh, get thee behind me, Satan.

79. And there you go, the corrupted file

80. - has been deleted. - You're kidding me!

81. - Nope. You're up and running. - All right! You're the master!

82. - Mrs. Libby? - Yes?

83. I'm still waiting on those attendance reports.

84. Oh! I... I have them right here, ma'am.

85. You know what, let me do this.

86. - Do you need any help? Are you okay? - No, I'm fine. Thank you.

87. I'm okay. Oh, my goodness.

88. That's all right.

89. That's all right.

90. We got it.

91. Here we are.

92. - Oopsy daisy! - Mm.

93. Oh, my goodness!

94. Now here... not gonna worry.

95. There.

96. I didn't ask you to destroy a forest, did I?

97. We're a paperless school now, Mrs. Libby.

98. It's Dr. Brown.

99. Dr. Brown.

100. Mr. Gamby, do you have a moment?

101. - There's someone I'd like you to meet. - Thank you.

102. Dr. Brown.

103. Dr. Brown.

104. Mr. Gamby, this is Blythe Sason.

105. I've asked him to do an evaluation of the school.

106. An evaluation?

107. I just like to know how a school works,

108. who's doing what. It's not that serious.

109. Okay. Uh, sure.

110. Is that all?

111. No, it's not.

112. Since you get here so early in the morning,

113. do you mind picking up biscuits

114. I just think it would be a nice gesture to have

115. a warm breakfast waiting for them when they come in.

116. Does that sound good to you, Mr. Gamby?

117. I mean, yeah, it sounds good. Sounds great.

118. Biscuits are a delicious thing to have in the morning,

119. but I don't understand why I'm the one

120. who has to go get biscuits for everybody.

121. then you do understand why you need to pick them up.

122. What are you writing down?

123. Don't worry about him.

124. So, can I count on you, Mr. Gamby?

125. Yeah, of course.

126. You can count on me.

127. Oh, thank you.

128. You can put that in your little...

129. whatever you're writing down.

130. I'll be seeing you around, Mr. Gamby.

131. I'll be seeing you too, "Sis-son."

132. "Say-saw."

133. That's what I said. "Sis-on."

134. "Say-saw."

135. Say "Say-saw" right.

136. Mr. Gamby.

137. Oh, stable-master Andy.

138. How are you?

139. Hey, uh, where are we on that thing

140. we talked about last week?

141. I'm... I'm not sure I remember what... what...

142. What was it, something to do with horses?

143. It was about you falling behind a little

144. on your stabling fees

145. for Shadowfax.

146. - About $800 behind. - Oh...

147. Well, what are you suggesting?

148. Well, I guess I'm suggesting you pay me $800.

149. Or find a new place to keep your daughter's horse.

150. Cool, cool.

151. Okay, that... that's definitely good to know.

152. I'll, uh... I'm gonna get on that. Uh...

153. but I do have a little bit of time

154. to get... to get the money to you?

155. Well, I did already give you more time.

156. I was holding off 'cause you said

157. you were going to get that promotion.

158. Did you ever get the promotion?

159. Mm-hmm.

160. Yes, I did.

161. I know that driving doesn't come natural

162. for women, but I am impressed at your abilities.

163. Now put on your signal.

164. Let's pull to this parking lot here.

165. Reduce your speed. That's great.

166. Let's make a slight little wiggle to the left here.

167. Come into a stop.

168. And put it into park.

169. What are we doing at Bojangles'?

170. You are going inside and getting

171. 12 country ham biscuits,

172. 12 Cajun chicken fillet biscuits,

173. and, uh, one...

174. uh, actually, make it three steak biscuits.

175. Can I at least get myself a strawberry Welch's?

176. No, you may not.

177. This is for faculty and staff only. Go.

178. Put a rush on it.

179. It's Bo-time. Let's move.

180. You're doing really good. Thanks.

181. I like you better than him.

182. I hope y'all enjoyed

183. Belinda's biscuits, everybody!

184. New Tuesday tradition right here!

185. Pump it up!

186. The way you said that, it kind of sounded like

187. you got the faculty the biscuits.

188. Well, you got them on my behalf,

189. so I did get them the biscuits.

190. Well, no. Technically, you didn't get 'em.

191. I got... Whatever. It doesn't...

192. - You're the boss, so... - Gamby, what do you think of Mrs. Libby?

193. I think she does a good job.

194. She's very friendly to people,

195. has a kind voice on the phone.

196. It's interesting to hear you say that

197. because Blythe Sason actually said

198. she doesn't do a good job.

199. She comes in about 30 minutes late

200. every day 'cause she's a part of some power-walking group.

201. What the fuck is that?

202. Well, she just likes to stay trim.

203. I mean, what do you want me to do, talk to her?

204. I mean, I...

205. I prefer you just to fire her.

206. Fire her?

207. For working on that body?

208. Doesn't that seem a little extreme?

209. She's been here since the early '80s.

210. Then we've given her enough time, haven't we?

211. Do it today.

212. You're lucky to catch me

213. before I got in the ladies room.

214. The line for that is

215. something you don't give up your place for.

216. You just want to have a... a seat, Ms. Libby.

217. Oh.

218. My pleasure, Neal.

219. Right here?

220. Really? You're just gonna sit here?

221. Fine. I don't care.

222. Uh...

223. what's going on, Neal?

224. Are you okay, sweetheart?

225. Uh...

226. let's just say that I've had, uh, better days than today.

227. Yeah.

228. Uh... Ms. Libby,

229. u... unfortunately, I have to, uh, let you know

230. that you are officially...

231. being fired from the front office of the school.

232. You're funny.

233. I'm fired?

234. Why?

235. Performance.

236. Uh, there... there are certain people who believe

237. that you aren't very effective in your job

238. at the front desk.

239. Who decided this? Uh...

240. Was it Brown?

241. It was her, wasn't it?

242. No.

243. It was everyone.

244. You've been at that front desk for years,

245. and yet you still don't even know how to run

246. a simple diagnostic check on your computer,

247. you're terrible at emails,

248. you suck at using computers,

249. and that, quite frankly, is unacceptable here.

250. And so, you just need to get a hold of yourself.

251. T... You're terminated.

252. You do not work here anymore.

253. Well, no!

254. I can't lose my job.

255. I love it here.

256. You will grow to have other things.

257. I'm sure in time that you won't feel

258. as much of a p... person that has nothing.

259. I can't believe this.

260. There's a... a dignified manner

261. in which you can behave right now,

262. and you're choosing not to do that,

263. so please choose to be dignified.

264. A dignified way?

265. Oh, my goodness.

266. I should've known that

267. after 30 plus years of being here...

268. Mr. Neal Gamby!

269. Let me help you

270. straighten up your desk

271. because that would be dignified of me, wouldn't it?

272. Let me help you with that.

273. While we're at it, why don' t you

274. call my husband, you know, Mr. Libby,

275. - and tell him he can't retire -

276. because I have been retired

277. and tell him I'm gonna stop by the thrift store

278. on the way home since we can't shop at the mall anymore?

279. I'm fired.

280. Open or closed?

281. Closed, Ms. Libby.

282. Oh, Jesus Christ,

283. the blood bath begins.

284. She's got me off my rocker, Gamby.

285. We gotta act quick.

286. Now, she's tied up in teacher reviews for the next 72 minutes.

287. - That gives us some time. - Time to do what?

288. Time to go to that bitch's house and dig up some dirt.

289. I'll drive.

290. Is this where she lives?

291. What a shit-hole.

292. This is my house, motherfucker!

293. It's a mid-century sea ranch!

294. Now, stay here!

295. I gotta go get somethin'.

296. It's a classic shit-hole. Hmph.

297. Goddamn it.

298. Shut up!

299. Shut up!

300. All I hear is gibberish from you! Shut up!

301. Go back in the house!

302. - Oh, grow up! - No, go back!

303. Like nails on a chalkboard.

304. - Go back in the house! - Fuck you!

305. Everything okay?

306. - Go. - Yeah?

307. Just go.

308. So, uh, was that woman your wife?

309. Don't be asking me personal questions.

310. We ain't fuckin' friends, okay?

311. - This is business. - Friends?

312. - I'm not trying to be your friend. - Over here trying to make

313. a fuckin' friend and we about to do a mission.

314. You're the one trying to make friends the most.

315. Here's a credit card statement.

316. We can track her purchases.

317. This is a waste of time. It's disgusting.

318. I'm not finding anything except old tampons

319. and empty bottles of cocoa butter.

320. I think if we want to find some real shit,

321. we're gonna have to dig a little deeper.

322. What are you suggesting?

323. Oh, you gonna break in?

324. Bullshit.

325. Fuck you. No, you're not.

326. Stop pretending.

327. You think this is pretending?

328. Oh, shit!

329. Gamby...

330. Bitches first.

331. Big whoop.

332. No dildos, no sex tapes.

333. What kind of people have nothing to hide?

334. Oops.

335. Knock that shit off, Russell. Okay? We're not here to destroy things,

336. - We're here for Intel. - You broke the fuckin' window.

337. So that we could gain access here. That's it.

338. Oh, please.

339. Feels good breaking shit.

340. - Pick something. Anything, Gamby. - No.

341. - Anything. - Uh-uh.

342. No, sir. Okay? No.

343. Knock that shit off, Lee. Okay?

344. - Russell. - Here you go, Neal.

345. Break this one fucking coffee mug right here,

346. then we'll go.

347. This coffee mug is laughing at you.

348. I bet I don't have a coffee mug like this.

349. Do you have a coffee mug like this?

350. "World's best principal."

351. Where's your fucking coffee mug, Neal Gamby?

352. Why does fucking Belinda Brown deserve to have it?

353. Fuck this mug!

354. Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

355. - Eat shit, Belinda Brown! - Did you see that?

356. You see how it just went everywhere?

357. Fuck yes, I did.

358. It was fuckin' awesome is what it was.

359. - Break something else! - Okay.

360. What you gonna do? Where you gonna go?

361. Where you goin'?

362. Check this. Check this out.

363. This is her head. Watch this.

364. Whoo!

365. That's right!

366. What else should I fucking destroy here?

367. - Oh! Pick! Pick it! Whoo! - You wanna take our job?

368. - Whoo! Boom! - Look at that, huh?

369. - Boom! - You wanna take my fucking job?

370. - Whoo! - Booyah!

371. Your turn! Your turn!

372. - Me? - Your turn.

373. You, me, watch this.

374. What you got, Lee?

375. What you gonna do? Oh, you're going for the picture.

376. You going for the Fine Arts Department!

377. You ready? You ready?

378. You unworthy piece of shit!

379. - I will fucking kill you! - Do it!

380. Whoo!

381. Aah!

382. Yes!

383. Oh!

384. Oh, watch this!

385. Watch this!

386. Watch this.

387. - You ready? - Yes!

388. Whoo!

389. Whoo-hoo!

390. Let's do it.

391. Let's do the whole fuckin' place.

392. Yeah!

393. Yeah!

394. Dump that fucker!

395. Yeah!

396. Yeah!

397. - Booyah! - Whoo!

398. - Yeah! - Yeah!

399. Whoo!

400. Russell, what the fuck?

401. I'm burning this fucker down.

402. We gotta get out of here.

403. Russell, we gotta get out of here! Go!

404. Shit! Shit!

405. - Oh, shit! - Fuck! Fuck!

406. - Shit! - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

407. - Shit! - Fuck!

408. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Fuck!

409. Oh, shit!

410. Oh, shit. Fuck.

411. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

412. Oh, fuck, shit.

413. Oh, shit. Fuck.

414. Day in, day out, I make Justin a sandwich,

415. and these other boys

416. just go right ahead and smash it.

417. They're being monsters to him, Mr. Gamby.

418. Mr. Gamby?

419. Uh, okay, ma'am, well,

420. I'll... I'll be sure to take care of it.

421. We won't have to worry about this problem ever again.

422. Well, you've done a piss-poor job so far.

423. Are you in charge or discipline or aren't ya?

424. I mean, who the hell is even running this school?

425. Oh, my gosh!

426. Oh, Lord! My house is on fire!

427. My house!

428. My house! My house is on fire!

429. Oh! Let me go!

430. No, don't touch me! My house is on fire!

431. Did she say her house was on fire?

432. It's on fire!

433. Did who say?

434. You've reached Lee Russell.

435. Please leave a message. Be well.

436. Okay, Lee, I'm not really sure

437. why you're blowing me off, all right?

438. But you need to call me back

439. as soon as you get this message,

440. you son-of-a-bitch.

441. This is Neal Gamby.

442. This is about, uh... to do with stuff at school.

443. Got you a corn, Neal. I'm not hungry.

444. I didn't ask for that. No thank you, Ray.

445. We were just talking to that idiot who runs this place.

446. Andy.

447. He says that you're $800 behind in stable fees.

448. Well, there's obviously some sort of processing lag

449. with his computer systems.

450. Look, it might not matter much anyway,

451. because Janelle's been saying

452. she's not really that into horses anymore.

453. Yeah.

454. - I haven't heard that. - Yeah, man.

455. She's actually showing

456. - a little interest in motocross. - Yeah.

457. I've been letting her take my 450 for a spin.

458. - Safely. - Dirt bikes?

459. - Yeah. - Look, Ray, please don't do this.

460. - You know horses is my thing. - It's not Ray.

461. She really wants to do this.

462. This is about Janelle and what she wants.

463. And honey, if you want to stay relevant in her life, Son-of-a-bitch.

464. you're gonna get it...

465. - Next up, number 15, - What the...

466. - Janelle Gamby riding Shadowfax. - Hey! Hey!

467. Hey!

468. - You have no right to be here! - Excuse you!

469. - I'm here with my daughter! - Hey! Hey!

470. How dare you, Blythe!

471. Mr. Gamby,

472. about those stable fees...

473. Blythe!

474. Blythe!

475. Blythe, I know you hear me!

476. Blythe!

477. You have no right to be here!

478. I'm with my daughter!

479. What the fuck?

480. What's wrong with you, man? Are you crazy?

481. No.

482. You are!

483. Staring at me weird!

484. Everybody saw it!

485. You better watch out!

486. You scratched my car, you motherfucker!

487. You've reached Lee Russell.

488. Please leave a message. Be well.

489. God dammit.

490. Yes.

491. Me see Lee?

492. Uh, work... work at school with Lee.

493. To see him?

494. You're looking for Lee.

495. - Come on in. I'll go get him. - Okay.

496. - Uh, can you take off your shoes? - Yeah.

497. Are these, uh, heirlooms?

498. Ancient heirlooms?

499. Hmm?

500. Mm-hmm.

501. I just... I'm waiting for him. We don't have to talk to

502. each other if you don't want to. I'm fine.

503. What the fuck are you doing in my home?

504. You need to learn how to answer your voicemail.

505. We need to talk.

506. Alone.

507. Mi-Cha!

508. Christine, take Mi-Cha outside!

509. She wants tea.

510. Fine.

511. Uh... who are these people?

512. This is my wife Christine, Gamby.

513. The thirsty woman who resembles a bowl of shit rice

514. is her mom Mi-Cha!

515. Come on.

516. Come on! I'm gonna get it.

517. I'm getting it!

518. I'm getting it!

519. This is fucked up, Russell.

520. This is not what I signed up for.

521. Oh, please. It's exactly what you signed up for.

522. What, you think taking this bitch down was gonna be pretty?

523. - Is that what you thought? - No, but I... I thought

524. we'd be doing more things like making her look bad at her job.

525. Like, school-related shit.

526. Oh, we knocked that bitch down a peg today.

527. You know what it felt like

528. when we were tearing up all her shit.

529. I saw that look in your eyes, Gamby.

530. You loved it.

531. No, I went to a very dark place.

532. A place I have not been to in a long while.

533. And it was fucking beautiful.

534. I'll be honest, Gamby,

535. I've never had an ounce of respect for you.

536. I just thought you were the lamest,

537. dumbest person I'd ever met.

538. Just somebody who was fucking nothing.

539. Just someone who needed to spend their whole life

540. on a fucking treadmill.

541. A life loser.

542. Until today.

543. Today I saw something in that house.

544. I saw your potential.

545. Potential.

546. Like how?

547. Look, earlier today,

548. my mother-in-law was all up in my ass

549. 'cause her shower head broke.

550. She told me I eat pubic hair with pepper paste.

551. Now, that's about the meanest thing

552. you could say about somebody in Korean.

553. But did I get all mad?

554. No.

555. I do this.

556. Excuse me.

557. Oh.

558. Now I fucking own her.

559. That's who I am.

560. And that's the kind of potential I see in you as well.

561. Since we're partners,

562. it's only fair you get your share.

563. The fuck is this?

564. Those are real fuckin' diamonds

565. set in a brooch.

566. Where'd you get this?

567. Where you think I fucking got it?

568. Fat Albert's clubhouse.

569. Just lined my pockets. Every single one I had.

570. Just took whatever it is I wanted to.

571. - Now, you can get good money for that. - No.

572. No. You are unbelievable.

573. I am not doing this for the money, Lee.

574. Look, Gamby.

575. What we're doing is serious business.

576. But it don't mean it can't be fun too.

577. As General Lee

578. gazed on that field of slain soldiers

579. on that cold winter's day,

580. he said, "It is well war is so terrible... "

581. Would Mr. Russell and Mr. Gamby

582. please report to the principal's office?

583. Mr. Russell and Mr. Gamby, to the principal's office.

584. Ooh!

585. Don't you fucking move.

586. Step inside, gentlemen.

587. Do you know why you're here?

588. - No, ma'am. - No, ma'am.

589. You know my house burned down.

590. The whole goddamn thing.

591. My sons didn't even wanna move here.

592. Now look. Everything they ever owned, gone.

593. - I can only imagine... - Do not interrupt me, Mr. Russell.

594. - Let me finish. - Yes, ma'am.

595. Now, I brought Blythe Sason here

596. to observe this school,

597. and I was expecting him to find unpleasant revelations.

598. But after reading the report on the two of you,

599. I was shocked.

600. "Mr. Gamby is no nonsense.

601. "Whether you agree with him or not,

602. "he tells it like it is.

603. "He's a man of his word.

604. He can be trusted."

605. "Mr. Russell is a great leader

606. "and a great relationship builder.

607. He is roundly admired by the faculty."

608. After completing his analysis,

609. Mr. Sason concludes

610. that you two are excellent vice principals.

611. With everything I'm going through,

612. it's a comfort to know I can trust the men

613. standing beside me.

614. And I want to thank you

615. for being a bright spot

616. on a rather bleak day.

617. You're welcome, Dr. Brown.

618. You may be new here,

619. but you are family

620. - to Neal and I. - Thank you, Mr. Russell.

621. And Dr. Brown, if you or your boys

622. need any toiletries or canned goods,

623. I don't mind going to the corner store for you.

624. Thank you. I think we'll manage.

625. Now, would you mind praying with me now?

626. To pray to God?

627. Yes. Let's touch and agree.

628. - Touch and agree. - Amen. Thank you.

629. Oh, dear heavenly Father,

630. thank you so much for everything

631. you've blessed me with in my life.

632. Lord, this fire is not gonna kill me.

633. It may knock me down, oh, but I'll get back up

634. and I'll be stronger than ever.

635. Thank you for bringing me Neal Gamby and Lee Russell.

636. Oh, help us.

637. Lord, help us do good things together.

638. - In Jesus' name... - Mm-hmm.

639. we pray.

640. - Amen. Amen. - Amen.

641. - Amen. - Amen.

642. Amen.

643. Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?

644. It would be my pleasure, Dr. Brown.

645. Thank you so much.

646. Thank you.

647. Wait here.

648. That should take care

649. of what I owe and the rest of the year.

650. What's this?

651. Those are real fucking diamonds

652. set in a fucking brooch, you idiot.