Velma 1x9

1. Previously on Velma...

2. Brains, where's my mom?

3. Indian woman. Lots of opinions on weight and personal hygiene.

4. The only person we've seen is that freak in the welder's mask.

5. Leave the brains. They wouldn't save you. Trust me!

6. The police found my mom's car

7. abandoned and empty, except for her glasses,

8. and a single wrapped gift for me.

9. In that case, I will happily go with you, Fred.

10. - Yes! - But, Daphne!

11. Are Fred and Daphne back together?

12. Maybe it's time we tried being girlfriends.

13. Girlfriends? Seriously?

14. Mom, you still haven't told me who did this.

15. Who took you?

16. I...

17. I can't remember.

18. My butt looks amazing. Hopefully, this time,

19. nothing causes my implants to come out—

20. So, after two years of searching,

21. I had finally found my mom.

22. They didn't come out. Nice!

23. There was just one tiny problem.

24. Mom, you don't remember who took you and the hot girls

25. because you have amnesia?

26. Oh, is that what the doctor said?

27. Kidding.

28. Amnesia joke, which I can make because I have it.

29. But amnesia's curable, right Doc?

30. All we need is a ladder and a coconut.

31. 99% of the time, yes.

32. Hey, no offense, but can we just let the actual doctor explain?

33. Just being a white guy with a clipboard doesn't cut it anymore.

34. Sorry, your insurance only covered the diagnosis

35. and the applesauce.

36. Now, according to your mother's chart,

37. she's constructed a sort of mental wall

38. to block out the past two years.

39. If Diya's memories do return, it will be within 72 hours.

40. After that, they're gone forever.

41. - Gone forever? - Gone forever?

42. Oh, sorry. Can we try that again?

43. Now, the good news is, if you can keep Diya happy,

44. her memory should come back within that time frame.

45. So my mom can't get upset for the next 72 hours?

46. That's a lot of lying, but thankfully, I'm damn good at it.

47. Great. Now, have there been any changes at home

48. your mother might find upsetting?

49. Uh, hmm. Changes at home?

50. Nah, their marriage is strong as ever.

51. Aman, why is the Spooner's waitress,

52. who used to flirt with you, here?

53. You didn't tell her?

54. Oh, uh, we just found someone no one likes

55. in case you needed an organ.

56. - But you don't, so— - Ahhh.

57. Bye.

58. Okay. My mom has 71 hours

59. to restore her memory and identify the serial killer.

60. So we need to turn this spotless and well-loved dream home

61. back into the normal person dump she remembers ASAP.

62. Fine. Thank God, I have my inspirational pillows

63. to keep me sane during all of this.

64. "Breathe. Keep calm and carry wine.

65. You're not an alcoholic. You're a mom."

66. Ah, there's no time for this.

67. My mom is almost home.

68. - You're taking too long! - Ahhh!

69. So long, stupid child proofing.

70. Ahhh!

71. Ow!

72. Perfect.

73. Daphne, what are you doing?

74. You have to put your back into it,

75. if we're gonna make this place smell like my mom.

76. Sorry, it's just... Look.

77. I know now is not about me,

78. but it's just been hard to concentrate

79. since you said we should try being girlfriends in the caves.

80. - Were you serious? - Uh, yes!

81. Unless you don't want to. In which case... As if, bitch.

82. No, I do!

83. In fact, the Brains are throwing themselves

84. a welcome home party this weekend,

85. and I was thinking we could dramatically upstage them

86. by going as a couple.

87. That sounds amazing, but will I even be invited?

88. Since being rescued from the caves,

89. the Brains are more popular than ever.

90. Okay, fam. Today's Steal Her Style

91. is Brenda, Krista and Lola.

92. So, for this, you're gonna need a jar,

93. some goo, and a saw.

94. Velma, it's fine. I'm popular enough for both of us.

95. You just relax and heavily medicated trophy-wife it.

96. Ahhh! My mom is home!

97. Ahhh!

98. It's so weird, you remember Sophie, the flirty Spooner's waitress,

99. but not who kidnapped you.

100. As weird as you remembering her name,

101. but not where you put your wedding ring?

102. - Uh— - Welcome home, Mom.

103. I'm home.

104. Hmm.

105. What's the matter? Did you forget we're poor?

106. No, I can't really see anything.

107. Of course, because I have your glasses.

108. They fell off in your car the night you were taken.

109. Here are your old ones to wear.

110. Uh...

111. Oh, I thought I'd keep the nice ones. Kind of my thing now.

112. I just remembered something!

113. Hmm.

114. It was while I was deciding to buy these frames

115. that I first learned about Dr. Edna Perdue.

116. Oh, my God, it's working.

117. Your memory is coming back.

118. Does that mean you remember this too?

119. Yes.

120. Oh, that's the present you forced me to buy you because you ruined Christmas,

121. solving one of your mysteries, right?

122. Wait. Were you annoying back then?

123. Uh, no, false memory.

124. Still, I swore I wouldn't open it until I found you.

125. Which means... Please don't be a puppy.

126. Oh. Red Mary Janes. Perfect.

127. I'm glad I waited this long and put so much expectation on it.

128. Stop. You were a little girl when I bought those.

129. You grew up while I was kidnapped, and I missed it all.

130. Everything has changed.

131. Wait, why did I buy those glasses again?

132. Velma! She's getting upset, and losing her memories.

133. Quick! Make her feel good

134. by telling her she's more attractive than her sister.

135. Mom, it's okay.

136. I may be older, but I'm still the same old Velma.

137. I didn't offer to load the dishwasher once while you were gone.

138. So I haven't ruined your life?

139. Your grades didn't suffer? You're still valedictorian?

140. Uh...

141. - Yep. - Oh, good.

142. Bring me your report cards.

143. I'm sure the happiness I feel will help me remember everything,

144. and we'll finally catch the serial killer.

145. Hey, is anyone else gonna contour their cerebellum for our party?

146. Hey, girlies.

147. I'm excited for the party.

148. What's going on? Why are you icing me out?

149. Uh, because you tried to leave us for dead in the mines.

150. Your popularity is officially revoked, Daphne.

151. Please update your status to "loser" across all social platforms.

152. What? You can't be serious.

153. Update your status to "loser" across all social platforms.

154. This is so stupid.

155. Oh, my God. Daphne's out.

156. Welcome to exile.

157. I'm out for two timing the Brains in the caves.

158. Even the girl who pretends to be a cat won't talk to me anymore.

159. Please. Those girls don't decide if I'm popular.

160. Society's obsession with looks does.

161. Not cool, Muffin.

162. Whoa!

163. Norville! I need your help.

164. Not now, Velma! This is for the state championship.

165. Really? It's not the entertainment at a Virgin Convention?

166. That's tomorrow.

167. Just tell me what you need.

168. I'm running out of time for my mom to remember who the serial killer is.

169. So I need you to break in to your mom's office,

170. change my grades and print me a new report card.

171. Wait, what?

172. So, are you done now?

173. Can you do it?

174. Phew, they saved me my seat.

175. I knew those bitches needed me.

176. Keep walking.

177. Aw!

178. Whatever. Watch this.

179. Hi, boys. Mind if I...

180. Oh, God! But the only seat is at the table by the garbage.

181. Daphne, stop!

182. Any movement will upset the garbage bees.

183. My only hope is to be accepted as their queen.

184. But the only other place to sit is out in the sun! I'll freckle!

185. Ahhh!

186. The Brains can't do this to us!

187. They already have.

188. Incoming, losers.

189. Ahhh! Ooh, ooh! Ahhh!

190. Here's your fake report card.

191. I can't believe I'm defying my parents like this.

192. Norville, thank you.

193. Sincerely. You're an incredible friend.

194. Oh, no! The serial killer is here to finish the job!

195. And it's all your fault because you took too long to get me my new report card!

196. Sophie? What are you doing here?

197. In your rush to throw us out,

198. Amanda's blanket got left behind and she can't sleep without it.

199. Throw you out?

200. Wait, you lived here?

201. Aman, did you have an affair and a baby while I was...

202. While I was... Wait, what happened to me again?

203. She's freaking out and forgetting everything.

204. Like when Al Pacino tries to return to the stage.

205. Mom, it's okay. Dad, uh, didn't have an affair and a baby.

206. Then whose baby is that? And why is she here?

207. Because... Because...

208. The baby is mine. He's mine.

209. - She. - She's mine.

210. Yours? What? Who's the father?

211. And the only acceptable answer is you sat on a public toilet seat,

212. which we've talked about.

213. I didn't. But you'll like the father.

214. It's, uh...

215. It's, uh...

216. It's a tale as old as time, really.

217. See, the Archangel Gabriel appeared before Velma and announced—

218. Norville!

219. The father is Norville.

220. Why would you tell your mom the baby is yours?

221. She's already had an unwanted baby in her life.

222. Because we have to protect her memory,

223. and anything's better than learning your husband cheated on you

224. the instant you were kidnapped.

225. It wasn't the instant she was kidnapped.

226. It was six weeks.

227. But why would you say I'm the father?

228. Or am I just having my favorite recurring dream?

229. No, it's because moms love you.

230. You're like if Michael B. Jordan had a baby with leggings.

231. - Velma? - She's waking up.

232. Mom, what's my name? How old are you?

233. And how old do you tell people you are?

234. Velma, I'm okay.

235. And we're gonna talk about your baby in a second,

236. but that's not why I passed out.

237. It's because I was overcome by another huge memory.

238. Was it where you put the TV remote?

239. It's been two years of living hell.

240. No. I was in the basement of Fred's house before they moved in.

241. But the lab entrance was bricked up.

242. Fortunately, Dr Perdue's journals showed a secret way in.

243. So I tore its wings off with my teeth as a warning to the other bats.

244. And that's all I remember.

245. But still, you had a memory. Which means I'm right.

246. You like that I had a baby, and that Norville's the father.

247. I don't like that you had a baby.

248. But, even though Aman and I had our problems,

249. it's better than him having cheated on me.

250. And Norville does seem like a great father.

251. I'm a teddy bear.

252. I'm named after Theodore Roosevelt, a wealthy demagogue

253. who massacred indigenous people in the name of imperialism.

254. But if Amanda is my gorgeous granddaughter,

255. then why is that waitress in my house?

256. Oh. Sophie's my boss at Spooner's.

257. So we asked her to watch Amanda while you recovered your memory.

258. And I said, "Hell, no! This is insane!

259. Are you people out of your goddamn minds?"

260. So, Dad offered her money.

261. So much money.

262. Thank you. But now that the truth is out,

263. Velma and Norville can look after their daughter themselves.

264. Like hell we can.

265. I mean, of course. How hard can watching it be? Right, Norville?

266. Norville?

267. Hey! You said this was your dream!

268. Will you at least chip in for college?

269. Ahhh!

270. I was also offered a vacation to Bali.

271. Well, Sophie's got this. Wanna see my report card?

272. I know I should be more upset about this, but I'm not.

273. Well, there is a lot of opportunity for fugly babies these days.

274. Amanda could grow up to be a meme.

275. No, it's just, there's nothing better than having a daughter.

276. You never stopped looking for me.

277. I'm only alive because of you.

278. I love you, Mom.

279. I love you so much,

280. I'm gonna let Amanda sleep in your room.

281. Nice try.

282. Just make sure Amanda doesn't fall off the bed

283. the way you always did at that age.

284. - What? - Nothing.

285. Good night, girls.

286. Okay. This isn't that bad.

287. Huh?

288. Oh, God!

289. Norville!

290. Where did you go? You know I legally

291. can't be alone with a child after I ate my health class egg baby.

292. Sorry. Had to go tell my parents what we're doing.

293. My dad is very excited.

294. My mom, however, wants me to transfer schools and find better friends.

295. Can you believe that? Velma?

296. - Velma, she's hungry. - She's not hungry.

297. When I showed her my boobs, she fainted.

298. She's just being a pill.

299. Daphne?

300. Hey. I might be on the outs with the Brains,

301. so I don't think we can go to that party.

302. Oh. I don't care about that. I just wanna be with you.

303. Mmm. Same.

304. Though in the ideal world I'd have both popularity and you.

305. Daphne! Velma told me you're Amanda's godmother.

306. And to think, I always assumed

307. you'd be the one to get knocked up first.

308. - What? - Hey!

309. Save those judgment nuggets for your grandbaby.

310. Now give me a second.

311. Norville and I are pretending

312. to be Amanda's parents for the next 32 hours,

313. to help my mom remember who took her and the Brains, before he strikes again.

314. You're pretending to be in a relationship?

315. Wait! That's it!

316. That's how I can be popular again!

317. Huh?

318. Freddie? Sweetie!

319. Daphne, that poor girl you used to date, is here to see you.

320. Oh, no! Fred!

321. What happened?

322. Don't tell me your father's kinks are genetic.

323. No, I was practicing getting swirlied,

324. and I must have passed out.

325. I don't know how much longer I can take being unpopular.

326. How do network sitcoms handle it?

327. By maintaining an undying faith in looking backwards,

328. which is exactly what we're gonna do.

329. I was thinking, we always got more attention as a couple than as individuals.

330. Like J. Lo and Ben, or avocado and toast.

331. Or drinking and boats.

332. Exactly. So, I'm thinking that if we faked a dramatic public reunion,

333. we could capture the hearts and minds of the student body

334. and be popular again.

335. That is a very good idea, Daphne.

336. I wish Fred were a little more like you.

337. You mean poor? Gross.

338. Did Fred drive Daphne to school?

339. I know they're social pariahs right now, but this is

340. huge.

341. Hmm.

342. Aw, she's so happy with you guys.

343. And like they say, leave a baby with whoever makes her smile.

344. - Bye. - Mmm-mmm.

345. I love their love.

346. - Where's Amanda? - Who?

347. Pack it up. Tables are done.

348. Ahhh!

349. Velma, I'm sorry, but this video of your talent show

350. isn't making me happy enough to remember anything else.

351. Oh, sorry, Howie Mandel. But don't worry.

352. I'm working on something that will definitely do the trick.

353. Just hold tight.

354. Velma, I changed your grades.

355. I agreed to be the fake father of your fake baby.

356. But I will not compromise my journalistic integrity for you.

357. I refuse to print this headline.

358. But my mom is so close to remembering

359. who the serial killer is and only has six hours left to regain her memory.

360. Too bad. My best reporter, Woo Jin,

361. just accidentally named a source in his life story,

362. and I fired his ass with the harshest words I know.

363. Best of luck with all your future endeavors.

364. Damn. From you, that's no joke.

365. But this headline could be the difference

366. between making my mom happy enough to remember

367. and the serial killer taking a million more girls.

368. Me upstaging my cousins is an intergenerational slap in the face

369. to my mom's sisters, and that's her number one dream.

370. Fine, I'll do it.

371. But could you at least change Amanda's diaper?

372. Wow. Way to take advantage of someone at a low moment.

373. Classy.

374. Hello? Lamont?

375. Someone wants you to change their diaper.

376. Hmm?

377. A welder's mask?

378. Hello, Velma.

379. Has your mother regained her memory yet?

380. Norville, what are you doing?

381. Your mother's about to steal all of your green.

382. And if I do, will this stupid land finally be settled?

383. Please say it will be settled.

384. Sorry. I'm worried about Velma.

385. I haven't heard from her since this afternoon.

386. Huh. I wonder where she could be.

387. - Ahhh! - Oh, no!

388. - Freeze, Lamont! - Dad, what's going on?

389. Wait. Is this a prank?

390. Like when the seniors beat me up?

391. I wish, but no.

392. Care to explain

393. what this was doing in your desk?

394. My welder's mask.

395. Dad, you didn't.

396. I did, son.

397. Guilty as charged.

398. I handcrafted you a sword for your birthday.

399. Case closed. Wait, what? Today's your birthday?

400. Yes. And my dad isn't the serial killer.

401. He only has a welder's mask because he made me a sword

402. like I've been begging him to.

403. Oh, please. That could just be a cover story.

404. Oh, yeah. No, he definitely made that.

405. Okay, well, this is starting to look like a false alarm.

406. Thankfully, the damage isn't too bad.

407. Wow, Daphne.

408. Disembodied brains are attending your high school,

409. and the serial killer is still out there,

410. but hashtag Fraphne is the top trending story.

411. And listen to this text I just got from Brenda.

412. "Hey, girlie.

413. Hope you and Fred can make it to our party tonight.

414. No hard feelings. Remember, I'm literally heartless."

415. Oh, it worked. We're officially popular again.

416. I can't ever repay you, so I won't.

417. That's fine. It'll be repayment enough

418. to see Brenda's amygdala shake

419. when Velma and I steal the show by arriving as a couple.

420. What? You and Velma?

421. But everyone is expecting us to go together.

422. But we can't pretend to date forever.

423. I'm already one conversation about affirmative action away from killing you.

424. I'm just saying, if white people are now

425. the minorities on camp—

426. Whoa!

427. Daphne, as much as it shocks me to say this, Fred is right.

428. People expect you to go together,

429. and it's not forever.

430. Just until you're popular enough to do whatever you want,

431. like a homophobic chicken sandwich chain.

432. Smart girl.

433. Which reminds me, would you ever consider

434. interning for me at Jones Gentlemen's Accessories?

435. If you can make Fred popular,

436. I'd love to see what you could do with a $90 headband.

437. Really? Oh, my God, yes.

438. And call me crazy, but make the headband tiny.

439. Now it's for dogs. You're welcome.

440. Brilliant. But keep this between us for now.

441. Not everyone in the company is as receptive to outside ideas as I am.

442. I am so sorry about your house.

443. And you should absolutely place the blame where it's due. The police.

444. I don't care about my house, Velma!

445. I care that you accused my dad of being a serial killer without even telling me.

446. I know, but I saw the welder's mask and freaked out.

447. And I wanted you to finish the headline about me for the paper.

448. Which, did you? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice

449. you had time for a board game.

450. This is unbelievable.

451. I put you above everything in my life.

452. But I draw the line at my family.

453. If our situations were reversed,

454. you'd have left me for dead after my first hallucination.

455. But I was worried my mom wouldn't recover her memory.

456. She only has an hour before—

457. Yeah, I don't care! You're a bad friend.

458. And you look terrible in orange.

459. Norville, please. You say that every time I mistake dwarves and elves.

460. An elf is a luminous spirit, and a dwarf is a hairy oaf.

461. But most importantly, they are not friends.

462. And neither are we.

463. Best of luck in all your future endeavors, Wilhelmina.

464. Amanda, I don't think he's kidding.

465. Amanda?

466. Oh, God!

467. Amanda! Come back!

468. Seriously!

469. Stop, Amanda.

470. Watch out!

471. Hey, that's how

472. I got my baby to nap, too.

473. Amanda, please!

474. If you stop rolling,

475. I'll stop trying to sell you on the dark web.

476. Oh, phew.

477. Ahhh!

478. Aw, look at the happy couple.

479. - Aren't they so... - Happy.

480. Exactly. Happy.

481. Or are you just faking it to be popular?

482. Wait, what?

483. - Did you know? - What?

484. No. We're a happy couple.

485. - Tell 'em, Daph. - Yeah, we love each other.

486. Great. Then prove it.

487. - Kiss. - Whoo!

488. Kiss?

489. Or all your popularity goes away forever.

490. Yeah, sure. Easy.

491. Mmm.

492. Aw!

493. What the actual hell?

494. Velma? What are you doing here?

495. Amanda rolled here to find her mom.

496. Her mom?

497. Velma, what are you talking about?

498. Mom? What are you doing here?

499. The Brains invited us when they learned your mom was in the caves with them.

500. And T-B-H, we thought she'd be cool and order us alcohol.

501. Velma, what's going on?

502. Uh, nothing. I just thought

503. taking a little spin on the dance floor with your granddaughter,

504. might give you the happiness nudge you needed to—

505. Sophie, what the hell?

506. Huh?

507. Velma,

508. the 72 hours are up.

509. She didn't remember who took her and the Brains.

510. We have to tell her the truth.

511. No need. I think I figured it out.

512. You did have an affair, Aman, while I was kidnapped.

513. - And a child. - Yes.

514. But for what it's worth, both of those things

515. only happened after Sophie and I fell in love.

516. I'll stop talking.

517. Mom, I'm sorry we lied,

518. but we had to try to help you remember.

519. But... I do.

520. Oh, my God, I do remember who the serial killer is.

521. What? How?

522. I don't know.

523. Maybe I'm relieved to finally be freed

524. from my loveless and sexually unfulfilling marriage.

525. - Rude. - Stop!

526. I wasn't asking for an actual explanation.

527. Just say who the serial killer is.

528. Of course. It's...

529. It's...

530. It's...

531. It's me.

532. Okay, you are so ordering us alcohol now.