Velma 1x8

1. Previously on Velma...

2. Oh, no, Dad! I need you to believe me

3. that Mom was kidnapped, or I'm gonna die!

4. Okay, okay, I believe you, I swear! I believe you.

5. You're weird, sure, but you're also sweet and amazing,

6. and deserve to be treated well.

7. Anyone who makes you feel like you need a crown to prove that

8. is the monster, Norville.

9. Oh! Damn, girl.

10. How'd you get all that ass in those little slacks?

11. Ahhh!

12. We have found a pattern.

13. Each of the victims is hot.

14. - Wow. - Oh!

15. Well, I wasn't able to convince the town

16. to keep a curfew to protect them from the serial killer.

17. But it won't matter.

18. Now that you have the serial killer's cellphone,

19. I know you're gonna catch him and find your mom.

20. I'm not going to school. I'm not going to school.

21. From the moment Daphne and I met, it was special.

22. Get outta here, you old bag!

23. We had other friends, but they were like granola bars,

24. only there for emergencies.

25. Sure. We had hit a bumpy patch

26. when my mom disappeared and Daphne got hot.

27. Let's go, Daph.

28. - I'm Norville. - You are who I say you are.

29. But after almost dying together,

30. and nabbing the serial killer's cellphone at Fog Fest,

31. it felt like we were finally back to the way things were meant to be.

32. Daphne.

33. Thelma, can you help me find Fred?

34. He's missing, and I know your people are great at tracking.

35. Sorry, I'm busy. And I've told you, I'm not Navajo.

36. Let's go, Daph.

37. I'm really glad

38. - we're finally friends again. - Same.

39. Oh, my God, I'm so mad, we're friends again!

40. We're gonna die down here, Daphne.

41. And it's all your fault!

42. What?

43. You are the reason we're pinned by a rock in this ravine!

44. If we die, it's your fault!

45. My fault? Nothing is ever my fault!

46. Okay, Daphne, if you were a serial killer, what would your password be?

47. I've tried "mustache fan", "I took the red pill", and "van owner."

48. Daphne?

49. Daphne!

50. What have I told you about texting during my times of need?

51. It's nothing. Relax.

52. Hey, you two knuckleheads claim to be cops.

53. Can you hack the serial killer's phone?

54. Unfortunately, without proof that's the serial killer's phone,

55. our hands are tied.

56. But Daphne can definitely help.

57. She has phone hacking experience

58. - from "The Incident." - Mom!

59. "The Incident?" What's that?

60. In my family, "The Incident" refers to the time

61. my mom danced with a male waiter on a cruise.

62. "The Incident?" Oh, it was literally nothing.

63. Oh, wow, look at all those homeless people.

64. Each one, a different story.

65. Uh, if it was literally nothing,

66. why are you changing the subject?

67. I'm not changing the subject.

68. But wouldn't you agree that the strongest use of flashbacks on TV,

69. is when one character's flashback is intercut with another's

70. to eventually combine in the present storyline?

71. You are totally changing the subject.

72. You are, Daphne.

73. But it's interesting. You're saying if this was a flashback

74. in your point of view, in order for it to be earned,

75. we'd have to cut to... I don't know, Fred?

76. Exactly.

77. I like it when they use a title card with the character's name

78. when they cut to a different flashback.

79. Now, that feels lazy.

80. It's stylized. It's Tarantino.

81. What is "The Incident?"

82. Whoa, where... Where am I?

83. Hey, let me out!

84. My parents will never pay ransom.

85. They thanked the North Koreans when they kidnapped my brother.

86. Fred?

87. Is that you?

88. Brenda? But I was at your funeral. I got so wasted.

89. It's not just Brenda, Fred. Lola and I are here too.

90. Typical, even now, Brenda has to be the center of attention.

91. Oh, not this shit again, Krista.

92. Guys, stop fighting.

93. No boy is worth sloshing your goo over.

94. Ahhh!

95. I still say it's more seamless without the title card.

96. And I still say my old job as a television executive

97. makes me worried audiences won't be able to follow it.

98. Hey, is that the black light from the Halloween we went as a sexy crime scene?

99. I'm still technically grounded for that.

100. Yep. My moms use it to criticize

101. how well the other one cleaned the bathroom.

102. But we can use the light to tell which numbers

103. the serial killer presses most often, by the smudges.

104. Ah-ha! So you did hack into someone's phone.

105. Wait. Was "The Incident" me?

106. - No. - Mmm.

107. But a while back, I was low-key obsessed with someone.

108. I lost my mind for a hot second and hacked their phone to see if they liked me.

109. They didn't. End of story.

110. Oh, so, like me and Neil deGrasse Tyson.

111. That's all you had to say. But who the hell was it?

112. Velma, focus.

113. Opening this phone is the key to finding your mom.

114. The password is one, two, three, four.

115. Yeesh, is the serial killer my grandpa?

116. Shoot, he was careful.

117. No messages, no mail, no nudes.

118. Wait. He accidentally took a photo in the woods.

119. That's Mount Crystal.

120. This is huge. We're going there tomorrow.

121. And on the car trip, you will tell me about "The Incident"

122. while I will either laugh or scream at you.

123. Fine.

124. Wait, hold on.

125. Who do you keep texting?

126. It's no one. Don't worry about it.

127. Hmm.

128. Y... You're alive?

129. - How? - All we know,

130. is that whoever took us plans to put our brains in someone else.

131. Oh, my God, Velma was wrong.

132. The ghost of Edna Perdue is back to finish her work.

133. - Ghost? - Velma?

134. Has the absence of our popularity left such a void,

135. you're now hanging out with Velma?

136. Uh, no.

137. You going from Daphne to Velma

138. is worse than going from a beloved cartoon to a playful reimagining.

139. Totally, right? Though Daphne and I did break up.

140. Well, isn't that perfect?

141. Fred Jones is finally single,

142. and here I am, just a brain.

143. I'd actually say it is perfect.

144. Because I just learned the hottest part of a woman is her brain.

145. - Oh, did you? - Yes, Brenda.

146. Or should I call you Brain-da?

147. Jeez, get a jar, you two.

148. Daphne, come on.

149. It's time to go look for the serial killer in the woods.

150. And yes, saying that out loud for the first time,

151. it sounds like a terrible idea. But...

152. Hey, Velma, look. I'm sorry it's so last minute,

153. but I can't go.

154. What? Why not?

155. I brought your favorite snacks, water, and pictures of Tom Holland.

156. Now let's go, Daph.

157. Olive? What are you doing here?

158. And the only answer I'll accept

159. is using your long ass arms to change light bulbs.

160. Today, Olive and I are taking pictures

161. for the sexy calendar we sell to fight discrimination against hot girls.

162. - What? - Without our tireless work,

163. beautiful actresses would never have the chance

164. to win awards playing unattractive women.

165. I was gonna tell you last night,

166. but after you heard about "The Incident,"

167. - I was worried you'd freak out. - Freak out?

168. I'm famously chill about everything.

169. Why would I care

170. if the night after I learned you were obsessed with someone

171. you wanna play Terry Richardson with Olive?

172. Wait, hold on. Was Olive "The Incident?"

173. Velma, we can talk about this when you get back. I have to go.

174. This is my long ass arm saying goodbye.

175. Come on, Daph. For May, let's try a picture

176. where I'm only wearing flowers on my privates.

177. Shh! Let's discuss inside.

178. Ahhh! Ahhh!

179. Velma, what's happening?

180. I'm having a deadly hallucination.

181. I thought those were over!

182. Me, too. Being so close to finding my mom must have triggered it.

183. But go shoot your calendar.

184. I'm sure I won't have another one in the woods and die all alone.

185. And that's why this is your fault, Velma. You're so possessive,

186. you faked a hallucination just to keep me from hanging out with Olive.

187. No, no. This isn't Velma's fault, Daphne.

188. It's Norville's.

189. Yeah, Daphne, this is Norville fault.

190. But just to be clear, how exactly?

191. It started when we got home from Fog Fest.

192. Mmm.

193. Well, I should go.

194. Your father likes to tail me home,

195. and I don't wanna keep him up too late.

196. My parents are actually out of town.

197. So, could you be a gentleman and unzip me?

198. Oh, say no more.

199. I do this for my mom all the time,

200. now that she's perimenopausal and constantly bloats.

201. Goodbye to her reproductive years,

202. but hello to womanhood's beautiful final chapter.

203. - You're good. - Mmm.

204. Wait. Gigi, Is your cabin up by Mount Crystal empty?

205. Maybe. Why?

206. No reason.

207. Well then, you better go rest up.

208. You, too.

209. The last thing we want are canker sores from a lack of sleep.

210. Olive, I'm sure Fred hasn't gone missing.

211. He probably just got stuck in his gold pajamas again.

212. Damn it! Not again.

213. I told you to poke holes in it.

214. Why am I such an idiot?

215. I'll never make it as a brain.

216. My parents always say it's my worst attribute.

217. You'll be fine, Fred. And there's a lot of upside.

218. Like, you'll never have to touch an old person again.

219. Thanks, babe.

220. And maybe one day we can connect our jars,

221. like one of those hamster houses.

222. I'd like that.

223. But do you think what we're feeling is real,

224. or are we just making the best out of a terrible situation?

225. Like, when I got a tan at my grandma's funeral?

226. I honestly don't know.

227. But it sure seems real.

228. Seems real?

229. I didn't ask if it seems real.

230. I asked if it is real, Fred.

231. You know what? Just put me back on the table.

232. I can't believe I let you drink from my jar.

233. Ahhh!

234. Norville, what are they doing here?

235. Hey, Daphne. Hey, Velma.

236. Why wouldn't they be here? The woods belong to everybody,

237. thank you very much, Teddy Roosevelt.

238. But this was supposed to be a romantic getaway for two.

239. I have been hinting at this since we started dating.

240. Hints? What hints?

241. You know, we don't have to sneak around.

242. I have a cabin in the woods.

243. Ugh. Hey, so remember when I mentioned my cabin in the woods?

244. Norville, I wanna go with you to my cabin in the woods.

245. I'll go.

246. I thought you were bragging.

247. My parents have a timeshare near Area 51, but I feel tacky mentioning it.

248. Okay, but then why did you wanna use my cabin?

249. We're looking for the serial killer.

250. There was a picture of Mount Crystal on his phone.

251. Hold up. The serial killer is near my cabin,

252. and you didn't tell me, the hottest remaining girl at the school?

253. I wasn't expecting you to be here.

254. Also, for what it's worth, Daphne is technically hotter.

255. You just have a mildly better personality.

256. See? If Norville could take a hint or read a signal,

257. we wouldn't be stuck here like a 127 Hours reboot

258. with a bigger, more diverse cast

259. that old people will gripe about.

260. Fine. I might not be great at reading signals,

261. but I am great at sending them from my emergency homing beacon.

262. Everyone cheer for Norville.

263. Whoo-hoo!

264. - Yay, Norville! - Yeah!

265. Falcon Two has visuals.

266. Preparing to lower for extraction

267. Copy that, Falcon Two.

268. But we need you to abort mission and return to base.

269. Abort mission?

270. Sir, if we don't pull these kids out right now,

271. they won't live through the night.

272. That's a risk we'll have to take.

273. Fred Jones, the son of a wealthy white family, has gone missing.

274. All local units are being diverted to the search, effective immediately.

275. Sir, when I became a helicopter rescue person, I took an oath.

276. And I'd rather die than break it.

277. Yay!

278. Have any of you seen Fred Jones?

279. What? No.

280. That tracks.

281. Okay, guys, since it looks like this really might be the end,

282. I have a confession to make.

283. This is all Daphne's fault.

284. Velma, stop.

285. We have to figure out how to get out of here.

286. We don't have time for another—

287. It's embarrassing, Norville!

288. How is it embarrassing to be considered the second hottest girl in school?

289. Well, third, if you throw in my mom.

290. Hey, maybe we should go?

291. This is super juicy, but live streaming it will drain my battery.

292. And I'm only here for your hallucinations anyway.

293. Hallucinations? Well, Velma doesn't have those anymore.

294. I mean, you wouldn't know it, given how tired and puffy she still looks,

295. - but that's all sodium intake. - I knew you were lying.

296. You slept the whole car ride here.

297. It was like sitting in the front row of a dolphin show.

298. I'm sorry, but can you blame me?

299. Just when we finally reconnect,

300. I learn you have some other friend you're obsessed with.

301. - Ugh. - Where are you going?

302. There is a serial killer in the woods.

303. Or worse, a celebrity doing a social media cleanse.

304. I don't care.

305. I'm so mad at you for lying, I'm walking to town to find Wi-Fi,

306. and even if I don't find it,

307. I would rather call an actual taxi from a stranger's landline

308. than spend one more second with you.

309. That makes two of us.

310. I cannot believe I wore edible underwear for this.

311. Do you think they'll be okay?

312. And did Gigi mention if there's more edible underwear?

313. - I'm starving. - They'll be fine.

314. Well, Daphne will be at least.

315. Is that a joke? Daphne is too pale for the outdoors.

316. Her skin crisps like a rotisserie chicken.

317. No, she's fine because she's alone with Gigi.

318. Apparently, before you and Daphne reconnected,

319. or whatever it is you guys are doing,

320. Daphne had a thing for Gigi. She even hacked her phone.

321. Wait, so the incident wasn't Olive, it was Gigi?

322. Oh, no. And I just drove Daphne right into her arms.

323. Velma, come on. I think you're overreacting.

324. Oh, my God!

325. For the first time in your life, you weren't reacting enough.

326. - What's going on here? - Velma, stop!

327. Gigi said there was a cave down in that ravine,

328. so we came out to try and see if that's where the serial killer was hiding.

329. But then the outcropping started to break off under our weight.

330. Your weight? Please.

331. Legally, both of you should still be in car seats.

332. Ahhh!

333. Oh, my God, I'm so mad, we're friends again!

334. We're gonna die down here, Daphne.

335. So Daphne's obsession with Gigi is why we're gonna die here,

336. sitting in puddles of our own filth.

337. I'm not in a puddle of my own filth. Are you guys?

338. But more importantly, Daphne hasn't been obsessed with me for a year.

339. Does no one read my blog, Gigi's Juicy Journey?

340. It's true. I'm not obsessed with Gigi anymore.

341. But this is still all my fault.

342. Wait, what? For reals?

343. Because, honestly, I was really grasping at straws when I blamed you.

344. No, it's my fault.

345. I know you're possessive, Velma.

346. But I've always said it's one of my favorite parts of our friendship.

347. Said? Said to who? Was it Gigi? I'll kill her.

348. Yes, I love that.

349. I was abandoned by my parents, so I like feeling wanted.

350. And when we stopped being friends,

351. I tried to recreate what we had.

352. But the only other person who's ever found me irreplaceable

353. is the captain of my tug of war team.

354. Why not tell me that?

355. Because after all our ups and downs,

356. it felt really good to see you jealous again last night.

357. Hold on. You wanted me to get jealous and rage out?

358. Yes, but I didn't expect you to lie about your hallucinations

359. just to drag me to the woods.

360. Help! The rock shifted.

361. It feels like I'm flying Southwest.

362. Wait, if the rock can move, one of us can wiggle out

363. and to avoid issues of sizeism, it should be me.

364. Ahhh! Stop!

365. Velma, it's too tight.

366. One of us can get out, but only if

367. we pick someone to be crushed to death.

368. Ow!

369. - Gigi, what are you doing? - I picked.

370. This is Velma's fault, because everything crazy that happens

371. is Velma's fault, Norville.

372. - It's Daphne's fault, Norville. - It's Velma's fault.

373. Interestingly, we're trapped in an actual fault.

374. Shut up, Norville!

375. Oh, no.

376. Was that bathroom graffiti prediction about me right?

377. Did I die and go to hell?

378. No, from the look of these crystals

379. and the smell of horny bats,

380. this must be an extension of the Crystal Mines.

381. The Crystal Mines? Of course.

382. That would explain how the serial killer moves around unseen.

383. And if he took a picture around here... Mom!

384. Mom!

385. Velma, shush. Our fall caused structural damage.

386. If we're not quiet, this whole place could collapse

387. quicker than our tenuous friendships.

388. That's it. We're getting out of here right now, Norville.

389. We need to have a little talk about us.

390. About us? Why?

391. You just saved Velma's life instead of mine!

392. Hey, we're gonna head out.

393. Look, I know it's dangerous to be in here, but I have to find my mom.

394. And maybe we should have a little talk about us, too.

395. And no changing the subject this time.

396. Yeah, okay. But have we even discussed how the federal government

397. just kind of admitted that there are aliens?

398. What was that?

399. Oh, no. Krista, wake up.

400. We fell asleep. I have to get you back on the table before—

401. What the hell?

402. Krista, you hooked up with Fred?

403. Fred said you broke up.

404. Babies, hey. Freddie can explain.

405. And can you explain how you also hooked up with me, Fred?

406. What?

407. Yes, I can actually.

408. Please don't be mad I manipulated you, Velma.

409. I'm not mad. I'm shocked.

410. You've always been the good one in our friendship.

411. You don't laugh when I trip, even though I always laugh when you do.

412. Well, then maybe we're both too messed up to be friends.

413. It's clearly not working.

414. I think you're right.

415. So, maybe it's time we tried being girlfriends.

416. Girlfriends? Seriously?

417. I'm sorry. I'm a... I'm a flawed man.

418. And that flaw is that I love too much.

419. Fred?

420. You all mean so much to me because of this crazy shared experience.

421. So many memories.

422. Lola's brain-ceanera, Krista's pregnancy scare...

423. No matter what happens, we are bonded for life.

424. And that's bound to lead to some relationship weirdness.

425. We are the Fleetwood Mac of a guy trapped in a cave with some brains.

426. Only, a landslide won't bring us down.

427. Well, when you put it like that, maybe you're right, Fred.

428. Oh, no!

429. The ghost of Edna Perdue has finally come for me.

430. Eat brain, ghost.

431. - Velma? - Fred, what are you doing here?

432. No time to explain. I'm free.

433. It's Brenda's brain.

434. Yeah, bitch. And don't say it like it's more shocking

435. than you hanging out with Velma again.

436. Dry your tears, world. Fred is back!

437. Back!

438. Oh, no! Now I have to yell louder

439. to be heard over this collapsing cave.

440. Help!

441. Krista and Lola are here, too.

442. We discovered the serial killer's lair.

443. What do you mean, quote, "Discovered it?"

444. We were already here.

445. Yeah. Nice colonial mindset, Columbus.

446. But how is this possible?

447. Who would keep their brains alive?

448. Not that I'm not super excited you're still around, ladies.

449. It's like what I said.

450. Someone is trying to recreate Dr. Perdue's work.

451. Which means... Brains, where's my mom?

452. Indian woman. Lots of opinions on weight and personal hygiene.

453. The only person we've seen is that freak in the welder's mask.

454. What? But that's impossible. My mom has to be here.

455. Guys, something's causing the cave to collapse!

456. This is what happens...

457. when you invite unpopular girls, like Velma

458. to a party.

459. Velma, we have to go!

460. You go. Take the brains.

461. I know my mom is here and I'm not leaving until I find her.

462. Oh, God.

463. Velma, you'll never make it.

464. You can barely clear a jump rope.

465. Leave the brains. They wouldn't save you. Trust me!

466. No. I need to learn to be cool with your other friends.

467. Ahhh!

468. She's not gonna make it!

469. Oh, my God, I made it.

470. Wait. Am I secretly athletic?

471. Oh, no!

472. Don't let them plant a tree in my honor!

473. - I got you! - What? Who?

474. Oh, my God! Mom!

475. That's right, Velma. Mom is here.

476. It's all gonna be... Okay.

477. Ahhh!

478. It's okay. We've got you dried up, old version of Velma.

479. Mom, it's you. I finally found you.

480. I knew you would. I thought about you every day.

481. Hey, not to interrupt the moment, but we really need to go.

482. Follow me.

483. Yes!

484. It's still here.

485. Mom, whose van is this? Why did they take you?

486. And what were they planning to do with Dr. Perdue's research?

487. I'll tell you everything when we get out of here.

488. Now, get in this mystery... Jalopy.

489. Oh, god, there's no exit anywhere.

490. Who am I? Jean-Paul Sartre?

491. Did you get that, Mom? No exit? Like Sartre's seminal play about hell?

492. I do. Very good.

493. I've missed you constantly seeking my approval.

494. And I've missed constantly needing your approval.

495. Guys, please. Less reconnecting, more not dying.

496. We're not gonna die. I think.

497. Uh, we might actually. Oh, boy.

498. Hold on!

499. Velma, what principle of physics am I using?

500. Centripetal force.

501. A-plus.

502. Jesus Christ, just watch the road!

503. Daphne has become very rude.

504. Tell me you're not still best friends.

505. Uh...

506. Sunlight! There must be an opening.

507. Wait, no, it's lava. Crap.

508. I've just finally realized that all the problems we have

509. are because you still like Velma.

510. Gigi, that's insane.

511. No one knows my heart better than me.

512. Not even Mary J. Blige.

513. And if I'm lying about liking you, then let her send me a sign.

514. Oh, my God, we made it!

515. Fred's alive!

516. I am never having a scary adventure in a van again.

517. Now may I hug my daughter, Daphne?

518. Yes.

519. Hey, I don't wanna ruin the moment,

520. but the brains are starting to smell.

521. - God, you're okay. - It's a special day

522. here in Crystal Cove,

523. as one of our worst nightmares comes to an end.

524. That's right. Fred Jones has been found alive.

525. What's more, Fred seems to have single-handedly located

526. the brains of the murdered hot girls

527. and their cleaning lady, Diya Dorkly.

528. Though one big question still remains.

529. What is the cleaning lady's immigration status?

530. Okay, time to go.

531. Velma, It's okay. I'll see you at the hospital.

532. But, Mom, you still haven't told me who did this.

533. Who took you?

534. I didn't tell you yet?

535. It's... I...

536. I can't remember.