Velma 1x6

1. Previously on Velma...

2. I'm sorry I didn't believe you about your hallucinations.

3. But, Velma, I told you this.

4. Your mother didn't go missing because you solved a mystery.

5. She left us.

6. La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

7. Be in my office Monday morning.

8. I'll tell you everything I know about my mom, Dr. Edna Perdue.

9. That book you gave me

10. opened my eyes to your inner beauty.

11. Wait. Really?

12. Brenda?

13. I'm your mother, Carroll.

14. And I'm your father, Darren.

15. If there's one thing teen dramas get right,

16. it's that nothing is ever actually a teenager's fault.

17. We're all really just paying for the sins of our parents.

18. They're either lying to us...

19. Oh, yeah, you discover that polonium, Marie Curie.

20. or trying to change us...

21. Ugh!

22. or hiding some dark family secret.

23. Mom!

24. If Velma hallucinates while learning the truth

25. about Grandma, she could die.

26. Let the adults handle this, son. Blythe?

27. But when it comes to truly crappy parents, no one beats my dad.

28. Dad, I need to get to school early

29. to talk to Principal Rogers.

30. She might have clues about Mom's kidnapping.

31. That's great.

32. Really? But you hate that I think she's missing.

33. Are you kidding? That's even better, Sophie.

34. Uh, what's happening?

35. People only wear fleece

36. when they're looking for startup money, or...

37. Oh, no. Going hiking.

38. What's happening is I'm taking paternity leave.

39. Paternity leave?

40. When I was born, you doubled your work hours.

41. We know, but Amanda's birth has made your father realize

42. he needs to find a work-life balance,

43. or risk messing her up the way he messed up—

44. - Well, you know. - Mmm.

45. Hey, Velma, want a ride to school?

46. We got champagne, AC, and the driver has a funny story

47. about how he survived the Khmer Rouge.

48. Uh, sure, thanks.

49. Absolutely not, Frederick.

50. Unless this is your selection for our hunt?

51. No, Father. I like her now.

52. Have you heard of inner beauty?

53. That's a myth, you fool!

54. Well, at least my relationship with my father isn't that bad.

55. Ugh!

56. Grr.

57. Principal Rogers, I just want

58. to say thank you for—

59. Hey, do you mind?

60. Oh, yeah, mmm.

61. All right. Go help Velma not hallucinate

62. while she talks to your mom.

63. But don't let her push you around. You're your own man.

64. Damn straight.

65. And just real quick,

66. when do you need me to have your pants mended by?

67. Ugh. Now.

68. But lunch will be fine, I guess.

69. As I was saying, thank you for agreeing to talk to me

70. about your mad scientist mother.

71. Now spill it!

72. Okay. Well, buckle up, because things are about to get weird.

73. See, in the 1970s,

74. my mother, Dr. Edna Perdue, was a brilliant neurosurgeon,

75. who had discovered a way

76. to keep the human brain alive outside of the body.

77. I never should have been an organ donor.

78. A woman scientist?

79. Her work caught the attention

80. of Army General Harry Meeting, who felt

81. he could use it to spy on what he believed

82. to be the biggest threat to the American way of life.

83. Oh, let me guess. Communists? Meat made from plants?

84. - Women's sports? - No!

85. Meddling kids.

86. It was the 1970s, and according to General Meeting,

87. meddling kids were ruining everything.

88. War's not, like, cool, man.

89. General Meeting had tried to infiltrate these groups.

90. But what if war is, like, cool, man?

91. But the meddling kids

92. always foiled him with a technique called mask pulling.

93. So, General Meeting tried to infiltrate them

94. through hypnosis.

95. But this only worked so long as no one ever...

96. snapped their fingers.

97. So, when General Meeting saw my mother's work, he wondered,

98. what if she could put a soldier's brain

99. into the head of a meddling kid?

100. He called the program the Special Covert Operations Brain Initiative,

101. or SCOOBI.

102. SCOOBI? And wait, what did SCOOBI do?

103. It attempted to create the perfect spy,

104. by swapping people's brains.

105. Oh. Did it work?

106. No.

107. And as the years dragged on, and the pressure to produce a result grew,

108. she slowly went insane.

109. Until one day, my mom

110. bricked up her secret lab in our basement,

111. hid her journals so no one could recreate her work,

112. and was committed to the Crystal Cove Insane Asylum.

113. Wow, I can't believe that's your mom. I mean,

114. playing God, removing brains.

115. That's some white people shit.

116. She was always a trailblazer.

117. But wait, my mom disappeared

118. after finding Dr. Perdue's journals,

119. and the dead girls all had their brains removed.

120. Could they be connected?

121. Wow. For all your personality flaws,

122. you're actually a pretty good detective.

123. If there is a connection between your mom and the dead girls,

124. the key to finding it is in this box.

125. You're late, Daphne. Are you rebelling already?

126. As a criminal, I like it. As your dad, knock it off.

127. Sorry, to get past my moms, I had to put on their wedding DVD.

128. They'll spend all day arguing about who let Uncle Lou dance

129. when they knew he had a heart condition.

130. What's all this?

131. - Uh, that... - Remember,

132. not a word about why we really need her

133. until we know we can trust her.

134. What happened?

135. Why is there a needle in my good boob?

136. It's an adrenaline shot.

137. Your heart stopped from a hallucination.

138. Norville, why didn't you make me laugh?

139. I tried. I did three minutes of hilarious new stuff.

140. You just didn't get the references

141. because you haven't taken calculus yet.

142. Velma, I'm sorry,

143. but I'm not telling you anything more about your mom

144. until you stop your hallucinations.

145. The nurse only has one adrenaline shot left,

146. and I want shrimp for lunch.

147. Allergies be damned!

148. But if you think my mom is connected to the serial killer in any way,

149. I have to know.

150. Please.

151. Fine. Velma, your mom—

152. Norville, what am I gonna do?

153. I hallucinate because I feel guilty

154. about having caused my mom to disappear.

155. The only cure is to find my mom.

156. Though, I have heard some good things about alcoholism.

157. Okay, well, uh, when was the first time you hallucinated?

158. Hmm. It was a few days after my mom went missing.

159. This is all your fault, Velma.

160. Why'd you have to go

161. and solve your own mystery?

162. Okay, but you'd been trying to find your mom before that, right?

163. Why didn't the hallucinations start until then?

164. As a man analyzing a woman,

165. - can we assume menses? - No.

166. But wait, something else did happen that day.

167. My dad took me out to breakfast for the first time ever.

168. Hey, Dad. Great news.

169. I've been looking for Mom, and I think I have some new leads—

170. Velma, stop! For the last time, your mother wasn't taken.

171. She left us.

172. Now, see if you can solve the case

173. of how to entertain yourself while I make work calls.

174. Wait, I've always wanted my dad to love me more.

175. Maybe the hallucinations are my subconscious

176. keeping me from looking for my mom.

177. Because you saying your mom was kidnapped upsets your dad

178. and just makes it harder for him to love you.

179. Exactly! Wait!

180. Oh, no, I hallucinate because I have daddy issues.

181. Gross.

182. Okay, so, don't search for

183. "Daddy issues and teenage girls."

184. And bookmark.

185. But if your hallucinations started

186. because your dad doesn't believe your mom was kidnapped,

187. maybe they'd stop if you make him believe she was kidnapped.

188. I tried, but whenever I mention it, he shuts me down.

189. Then I have to eat a whole pie to feel better,

190. and I will die before I give that up.

191. What's another way to cure daddy issues?

192. Eh, I wouldn't know.

193. The thought of having any issues

194. with my own sweet, sweet daddy is foreign to me.

195. Really? Even though he's the one

196. who basically taught you to be a beta.

197. Excuse me? My father is not a beta.

198. He drives the speed limit,

199. no matter how many people are honking at him.

200. Knock, knock.

201. Norville, can I grab you for a second? I need a hand

202. - with some heavy lifting. - Of course, Dad.

203. Because heavy lifting is exactly what alphas like us do.

204. Thanks. We're helping your mom's old boyfriend move.

205. Ah, that doesn't help.

206. Ah, come on.

207. Don't even think about it, Aman.

208. I haven't slept in 48 hours,

209. so if you're serious about paternity leave, then you have to realize

210. your family is more important than your phone. Oh!

211. I am so posting that.

212. Hey, Dad, can we talk?

213. You can be drunk, if that's easier.

214. What? No!

215. Paternity leave applies to all my children.

216. Let's go to lunch. Run!

217. Aman!

218. Okay. Quick lesson in the power of crystals.

219. This is angelite.

220. It treats anxiety

221. by transmuting aberrant thoughts

222. into productive cathexis.

223. Whoa, cool!

224. So, do you rub it?

225. Or grind it up and snort it at a party,

226. like regular anxiety meds?

227. You take it

228. and bang it on your head, real hard.

229. Wait, really?

230. No. Crystals are a hoax, Daphne.

231. Like vitamins, or internships.

232. That's why we loved working here so much.

233. Charging idiots 30 bucks for a mystical rock

234. feels like a crime, but it's totally legal.

235. So, that's why you turned to real crime

236. when the crystal market collapsed, to chase that high.

237. Yes. But the party ended when your moms raided us.

238. Sure, we got away, but they stole you.

239. And now they're gonna pay.

240. Everyone's gonna pay.

241. Whoa, wait. What?

242. For crystals. Everyone's gonna pay for crystals.

243. See, thanks to underemployed millennials,

244. ex-reality stars,

245. and zero sense of global security,

246. believing in crystals

247. is back, baby!

248. We can sell this hall and retire

249. to the non-extradition country of our choice.

250. Hello, Angola.

251. Wait. You're leaving already?

252. But there's still so much I don't know about you.

253. Daphne, I'm on the run.

254. A few more days of mining, and we're gone.

255. But we can get to know each other until then.

256. Say yes, and we'll tell you why you have orange hair.

257. Oh, my God, yes!

258. I smoked during pregnancy. Like, a lot.

259. Like, I should be dead.

260. Oh. Well, I'm glad you're alive.

261. Let's get to know each other.

262. So, what do you wanna talk about? The Miller case?

263. Oh, right. This is lunch with my daughter.

264. Uh, a couple of things.

265. First, I think this place has changed

266. since the last time we were here.

267. Oh, my God, I totally didn't notice.

268. Sophie's boobs are out so much these days, this seems normal.

269. Oh, speak of the devil.

270. "Buy diapers."

271. Oh, you think that's bad?

272. Sophie told me I can't pee in the shower anymore,

273. because that's where she bathes Amanda.

274. Now I have to pee in the shower at school, like a weirdo.

275. Pro tip, aim for the drain. She'll never know.

276. Oh, I'll try that.

277. Wait. Did you just teach me a life lesson?

278. Yeah. You want another one?

279. Don't date anyone who owns more throw pillows than books.

280. Yes! Oh, my God. I had no idea

281. you at least realize Sophie kind of sucks.

282. It will make it so much easier to kick her ass out when I find Mom.

283. Wait. "Find Mom"? Not this again.

284. But that's what I need to talk to you about.

285. To stop my hallucinations,

286. I need you to believe me that Mom was kidnapped.

287. Velma, please.

288. Can't a father and daughter

289. just enjoy a nice meal at a strip club,

290. - without it being awkward? - Uh, no?

291. But we were having fun for the first time ever.

292. Yeah, we were. Look at us.

293. Can we at least talk later?

294. I have to stop my hallucinations.

295. Hold that thought. I have to make some work calls.

296. Oh, so you're going to work, are you?

297. Well, then call me Ernest Shackleton,

298. 'cause I'm headed to a pole.

299. Fred? What are you doing at Nana's Nipples?

300. I thought rich guys went to the Tits Carlton.

301. That's our next stop.

302. Yeah, my dad found out I like you

303. and is now trying to "normalize" my brain

304. back into thinking girls like Chestiny here are hot.

305. You!

306. Get away from my son!

307. He just asked the manager if there's a stripper gender pay gap!

308. There is. Guys make way less.

309. But thanks to you, Fred won't call it reverse sexism.

310. He-He-He's ruined!

311. Oh, yeah. Keep it all on.

312. Show me nothing, baby.

313. Velma, what are you doing up there?

314. I'm doing what every girl is doing up here.

315. I'm just trying to get my dad's attention.

316. And one day, it will work.

317. Velma, stop! You have my attention.

318. That's why I was on the phone.

319. I was calling Sophie to tell her

320. I need to spend the rest of my paternity leave with you.

321. Wait, what? Are you nuts? She'll kill us both.

322. I don't care. Like you said,

323. we were just starting to have fun together.

324. And let's be honest, the last couple of years haven't been very fun.

325. What with my hair turning

326. - gray— - Mom being kidnapped.

327. Sure, right. All that.

328. So, what do you say we go have some fun?

329. Just us.

330. Ahh! I said, "Wait!"

331. Eh, by the time I say something,

332. I could have already paid $5 for another coffee.

333. Oh, from now on, I'm wearing 'em.

334. Amanda, where are you?

335. Oh, God!

336. Ahh!

337. To the best day ever.

338. And yes, I know I still need

339. to talk to my dad to end my hallucinations,

340. but I don't want the fun to stop.

341. Yesterday, for the first time ever, he said,

342. "Your birthday's in March, right?"

343. Hey, can you answer that? I'm, like, substitute teacher-level hungover.

344. No, it's Gigi.

345. And you were right. My dad has taught me to be a beta.

346. So I'm working on power moves.

347. This morning, I left my bowl

348. - in the sink. - Damn.

349. Hey, Velma.

350. When you see your pops next, tell him thanks for me.

351. Homie changed my life.

352. Fred, I've told you.

353. My dad isn't the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

354. No, he helped my dad buy Chestiny's contract from the strip club,

355. so we could date and get my head sorted out.

356. Isn't that right, babe?

357. Anything but kiss.

358. Uh, that's impossible, Fred.

359. My dad's on paternity leave.

360. The only love he's buying right now is mine.

361. Yeah, I don't know.

362. Your dad figured out all the legal junk yesterday.

363. Wait, what?

364. Oh, my God!

365. You only told Sophie

366. you wanted to spend your paternity leave with me

367. so you could work while I was at school.

368. What? No!

369. I'm only here because—

370. 'Cause I'm having an affair with this woman!

371. An affair? How dare you?

372. Also, here's that extra work you requested.

373. Where's that box?

374. I'm ready to learn how my mom is connected to those dead girls.

375. So you finally got your father to believe you? Freaking awesome.

376. That's right, I swear now.

377. And you're wearing a leather jacket?

378. I stole it, baby.

379. Off a teddy bear in the mall.

380. We don't know what's gotten into him.

381. I'm out of here.

382. And I might be late for dinner.

383. Don't pour my milk.

384. Okay, now give me that box.

385. Velma, wait. Are you sure you won't hallucinate?

386. Yes. My hallucinations were caused

387. by my desire to make my dad love me.

388. But after today, he's dead to me,

389. and if I don't care what he thinks,

390. then I won't hallucinate.

391. Oh, my God. Honestly, I was, like, zero percent sure that would work.

392. But I'm cured. I can find my mom.

393. How is she connected to the dead girls?

394. Okay, so after my mom died, her house was put up for sale,

395. and Fred's family bought it.

396. And that's what first got your mom interested in her.

397. In her effort to learn more about Dr. Perdue,

398. Diya uncovered the one thing

399. my mother never intended anyone to find, her journals.

400. That's how she learned Edna was my mom,

401. and that her secret lab was still buried underneath the house.

402. So, that's what my mom

403. was doing at Fred's house on Christmas Eve.

404. Looking for Dr. Perdue's secret lab, before Fred's family

405. - moved in. - Yes.

406. Hmm. Okay, but how does this connect my mom to the dead girls?

407. There's only one explanation.

408. Your mom opened the lab, and...

409. The ghost of Dr. Edna Perdue

410. has returned to finish her work!

411. Wait, wait, wait. You're saying my mom

412. was taken by the ghost of your mom?

413. Really? I thought only idiots

414. and B-list actresses believed in ghosts.

415. Uh, have you seen our school bathrooms?

416. No living human could do that.

417. Ugh, I don't have time for this.

418. I have to go find my mom

419. and her not-a-ghost serial killer kidnapper.

420. Damn it, Norville.

421. Where is everyone?

422. And the crystals are all gone.

423. Wait. Are you leaving already?

424. But I'm not ready.

425. I need to know so much more.

426. Daphne, the only thing left for you to know

427. is you deserve better than us.

428. A gun?

429. Hold on. Is that a goodbye gift?

430. Oh, I didn't get you anything.

431. Sure you did. You are our insurance policy

432. in case your moms try and stop us on our way out of town.

433. Wait, what?

434. Is that why you let me find you?

435. Just so you could use me? That's so manipulative!

436. Which explains why I'm so manipulative.

437. But still, I'm your daughter.

438. And your parents are criminals, Daph.

439. I'm sorry—

440. Yeah, you are sorry, Darren.

441. We've been on to you since you busted out of jail

442. and put a geode through our daughter's window.

443. You have?

444. We're maybe not the best cops, but we're great moms.

445. We always know what you're up to, sweetie.

446. What's this?

447. "Brenda"? Huh! Why does that name ring a bell?

448. She's one of the dead girls, and that's her tank top.

449. You can see stains from her boob contour.

450. What? Carroll found that shirt down here,

451. and I upcycled it as a rag.

452. We only have one planet, people.

453. Velma!

454. Where are you? I'm sorry!

455. Also, please be cool for once and don't tell Sophie.

456. Velma? You can't be here.

457. I told you, Father forbids it.

458. Fred, there's a secret lab under your basement and I have to find it.

459. Now, you can help me,

460. or you can keep telling yourself that if you jump

461. through all of Daddy's hoops, maybe one day, he'll love you.

462. Please. As if my father has the time

463. to make me jump through hoops. Hey!

464. Hairy girl not wrong.

465. Only way to earn father's respect is take a stand.

466. You want I help kill him?

467. Yeah, let's do it. Hmm?

468. Whoo-hoo! I'm rich!

469. Now Daddy will love me.

470. Norville, what's going on?

471. You're ignoring my calls like I just took you on a first date.

472. That's because a man answers his phone

473. when he damn well feels like answering his phone, Lamont.

474. Okay, well, Gigi almost died.

475. She was stung by a bee digging her pants out of the garbage at school,

476. and the nurse was out of adrenaline shots.

477. Oh, no!

478. I'm making her a "Get Well" lemon cake.

479. - Wanna help? - I'll get my zester.

480. Wow. I never knew how big it was

481. down here in the bad boy room.

482. I just hang by the door ever since the rats ate that butler.

483. The lab entrance!

484. But it's still closed.

485. If my mom didn't open it, where'd she go?

486. Oh. Maybe it's one of those doors where you push in a brick

487. - and it opens. - Fred, wait!

488. No!

489. So you really knew I was with them the whole time?

490. Or was that just another lie?

491. Another lie?

492. The only thing we've ever lied to you about is the dog.

493. Truth is, he went to a farm.

494. No, I know you stole me from them.

495. Stole you?

496. We didn't steal you.

497. We took you.

498. We gotta go.

499. And there's not gonna be enough room for all the goods and Daphne.

500. Oh, okay. Well, as parents,

501. there's only one right decision to make here.

502. Damn it! They got away!

503. Aw!

504. Oh, my God, I feel like such an idiot.

505. They abandoned me twice.

506. That's why we never told you the truth.

507. We loved you from the moment we saw you,

508. and didn't want you to ever feel

509. like you were unwanted for even a second.

510. I love you, too, Moms.

511. Ooh, angelite. That cures anxiety.

512. Velma? Sweetie?

513. - Can you hear me? - Mom? Is that you?

514. I found you.

515. But did you, like, get a weird haircut?

516. No, Velma, it's me.

517. The parent who only abandoned you emotionally.

518. Dad? Wait. Did I die and go to hell?

519. Damn it! I always knew atheism was a gamble.

520. How did you find me?

521. I can locate your phone, like any good parent.

522. Okay. Sophie installed it

523. so you never catch us in bed talking smack about you.

524. No, no. I don't have time to sit here

525. and listen to some too-little-too-late excuse.

526. Yes, you do.

527. Because your legs are still buried.

528. Now look.

529. I'm sorry for how much I worked when you were little,

530. but I figured you were fine because you had your mother.

531. But then she walked out on us,

532. and I wanted to be there for you,

533. but it's too hard because I feel so guilty.

534. So, I hide at work.

535. But you wouldn't feel guilty if you just believed she was kidnapped.

536. Who would kidnap your mother?

537. No one wants to talk about 9/11 that much anymore.

538. Fine, don't believe me. I'll just find her on my own.

539. I'm fine.

540. Footprints?

541. People were just here.

542. And what's this?

543. Jinkies!

544. "Jinkies"? Why are you saying "jinkies"?

545. Is this like when you tried to make "Keep it frosty" a thing?

546. No!

547. Someone wrote "jinkies" on this paper.

548. But why?

549. You'll never know, Velma.

550. Oh, no, Dad! I need you to believe me

551. that Mom was kidnapped, or I'm gonna die!

552. Okay, okay, I believe you, I swear!

553. - I believe you. - Oh, my God!

554. That... That did it.

555. - She's gone. - Psych!

556. Oh, no, she's back. But how?

557. Hold on. Were you lying about believing me?

558. Velma, I want to believe, but...

559. Wait.

560. Oh, my God, you're right. She was kidnapped!

561. I actually believe you, for real this time.

562. - He does? - You do?

563. He does!

564. No!

565. My hallucinations are finally over.

566. Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like you've said that before.

567. Like a few times.

568. No, it's over. I know my dad believes me.

569. I'm so sorry

570. - I doubted you, Velma. - It's okay.

571. Because when you saw I was willing to die for my truth,

572. you finally came around.

573. - Because you do love me. - Yes.

574. But also, "jinkies" is written in your mother's handwriting.

575. She was just here.

576. Jinkies!

577. Okay, now you're totally trying to make it a thing.

578. So, if this was all about your dad believing you,

579. how did making you laugh also stop your hallucinations?

580. Right? Or kissing Daphne?

581. "Kissing Daphne"?

582. Uh, the point is, I don't know,

583. but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

584. It would be pretty lazy not to. Now, come on!

585. Whoever has my mom, and removed those girls' brains,

586. was just here. So the question is,

587. where'd they go?

588. Huh?

589. Huh.