Velma 1x5

1. Previously on Velma...

2. I like you.

3. That's hilarious.

4. Wait. Norville.

5. Your joke worked, you genius!

6. Keep making me laugh.

7. No, Velma, wait!

8. I'm here because I want you.

9. That book you gave me

10. opened my eyes to your inner beauty.

11. Hey, watch where you're going.

12. Gigi?

13. Hi.

14. Norville, I've definitely been here before.

15. I feel like all the answers to my questions

16. about my parents are in there.

17. The bathrooms?

18. Wait. I mean in there.

19. Okay, so you know that thing when you text your friends

20. and they don't text you back,

21. so it feels like you're gonna die?

22. Well, if my friend didn't text me back,

23. I actually was going to die.

24. Because Norville was ghosting me,

25. and my hallucinations had gotten so bad,

26. I couldn't even look at my murder board without having one.

27. Sure, Daphne could have helped me find my mom.

28. But when I was with her...

29. the only mystery I wanted to solve

30. was the case of the missing inhibitions.

31. Dad, I need a ride to school.

32. Norville's MIA, and my walking pace attracts vultures.

33. Sorry, no time. Baby's coming home tomorrow

34. so I need to clean...

35. before heading to the hospital

36. for Sophie's postpartum photoshoot with the nursing staff.

37. I'm gonna be there all night.

38. Hold up. You're leaving me home alone

39. with a murderer on the loose?

40. Even though I was voted most likely to be murdered before any of this?

41. You won't be alone, Velma.

42. You have the marching band sleepover in the school gym tonight.

43. The marching band sleepover?

44. Ugh, Norville really has abandoned me at my lowest moment.

45. This sleepover's gonna be so tight.

46. Wait until you see how much pizza I eat.

47. I can eat three slices.

48. Hey, sorry to interrupt, but have you seen Norville?

49. Tall, um...

50. Blue eyes, maybe?

51. Good morning, students.

52. This is Principal Rogers.

53. I'm here with Mayor Dave and the Sheriff.

54. Everybody, listen up!

55. We just learned someone somewhere is being intolerant.

56. Jesus, Ed.

57. Just say your thing before they stop listening.

58. Hello, students. This is your cool mayor, Mayor Dave.

59. So, uh, since assigning personal police details to the hottest of you,

60. we've been getting a little push back

61. on the police presence in school.

62. But fun twist! It's from the police.

63. Uh-oh!

64. I just rear ended a cop.

65. In fact, the officers on detail have all resigned,

66. citing unrelenting sexual harassment.

67. Now, in place of the police details,

68. we'll now be instituting a citywide curfew

69. at 9:00 p.m. tonight, for everyone.

70. You're caught outside, you'll spend the night in jail.

71. Be warned. Our deputy is working on his stand up set.

72. This also means

73. several school events will be canceled,

74. - including... - Band sleep over!

75. the track meet...

76. the Parent's Association's Find the Asbestos Service night

77. and the marching band sleepover.

78. Yes!

79. Okay, baby Daphne.

80. I'm going to the Crystal Mines, and I'm not coming back

81. until I figure out who I am and where I come from.

82. Or six. Our moms are home by six, so I'll be back before then.

83. Sorry, sign, but hot people are cut too much slack to heed warnings.

84. Ah, that's fine. Bats are just flying rats.

85. Ground bats, yuck!

86. Oh, hey, Fred, have you seen Norville?

87. I need him to help me investigate.

88. No, but I have found a way to make you like me.

89. Check it out.

90. And as if this isn't enough,

91. I will also win your heart

92. by proving I am a helpful ally, sister.

93. Look, I'm glad reading The Feminine Mystique caused a little growth.

94. Shush, a feminist is speaking,

95. and he listened to your theory

96. about your mom going missing at his house

97. and actually found something.

98. Wait, you did? And this isn't just

99. you thinking I'm related to your nanny again, is it?

100. No.

101. There were some papers in Father's special drawer,

102. where he keeps his men's work out magazines.

103. Turns out, our house used to be owned

104. by a woman named Dr. Edna Perdue,

105. Dr. Edna Perdue was a female neurologist.

106. You don't need to say female, Velma.

107. You can just say neurologist.

108. Ah! She died in the Crystal Cove insane asylum,

109. after conducting ethically dubious experiments?

110. Fred, your house was owned by a mad scientist.

111. Now I have to find Norville.

112. Oh, he's probably tangling retainers with his girlfriend.

113. Girlfriend?

114. Norville! You have a girlfriend?

115. No.

116. And your girlfriend is Gigi?

117. Damn, this makes me think I could bag Don Lemon.

118. How did this happen? I thought you were missing.

119. It's all thanks to you, Velma.

120. I always thought I was just regular hot,

121. but you gave me the confidence to be artsy hot.

122. So you're not mad, Velma?

123. Sometimes it's unclear until I'm sitting on a thumb tack.

124. Mad? No, I'm so excited. Now you have Gigi

125. to talk about boring stuff like your swords and feelings.

126. So, when we're together,

127. we can focus solely on finding my mom.

128. - Speaking of, Fred's house— - Stop, Velma.

129. Look, Gigi and I have decided

130. that maybe I should spend less time with you.

131. Less time?

132. But I only see you when I need you as is.

133. Sorry, Velma.

134. But until Norville learns to stand up for himself,

135. he's gonna do exactly as I say.

136. I see.

137. Fine, great.

138. No sweat off my under boob. It's not like I need him.

139. Fred can help me not hallucinate by making me laugh.

140. Velma, give me the chance and I can help you with anything.

141. Uh, well, except filling in your ethnicity on a form.

142. I'm guessing Samoan?

143. Who... Who are you?

144. We're your parents, Daphne.

145. My parents?

146. Why are you so hairy?

147. Wait, are you Brooklyn guys?

148. Oh, oh! Sorry.

149. We should have explained that these are costumes.

150. We need to hide our identity until we can trust you.

151. Until you can trust me?

152. I'm not the one dressed like something pulled out of the shower drain.

153. Also, if you even are my parents,

154. you abandoned me.

155. You weren't abandoned, Daphne.

156. Your moms stole you from us.

157. What? No, they didn't.

158. They found me wrapped in a blanket in the middle of a cornfield.

159. Uh, okay.

160. But if you don't believe we're your parents,

161. look up the Crystal Mines gang on Netscape Navigator.

162. Netscape Navigator? Good Lord!

163. How long have you been in here?

164. Hello?

165. Hello.

166. Did you really just do an Irish exit?

167. Huh, maybe we are related.

168. Remember, tonight's curfew is at 9 p.m.,

169. and The Bachelor's brilliant finale is at 10:00.

170. So, no messing around!

171. So, we're going to the Hysterical Society?

172. Then why would you need my help making you laugh?

173. It's Historical Society.

174. Places like this helped Skip Gates

175. learn which white actors are descended from slave owners.

176. If there's any record of Dr. Perdue, it'll be here.

177. So, you're friends with our favorite docent, Norville.

178. We're so happy he's found Gigi,

179. especially after wasting years pining for that bossy one.

180. What was her name? Meatball?

181. I actually heard Meatball was really cool and beautiful.

182. Well, all we have are Dr. Perdue's old journals.

183. This is the one place she felt no one would ever find them.

184. 99.9% of our visitors are people looking for a bathroom.

185. Huh?

186. The journals are missing.

187. Well, the last person to look at them was, uh...

188. Diya Dinkley.

189. What?

190. My mom was researching a mad scientist?

191. And then disappeared at her house? Why?

192. Oh, God! Fred, I'm hallucinating!

193. Quick, make me laugh like Norville would have.

194. I would. But all I can think of right now is the gender pay gap.

195. Is it funny?

196. Women make 20% less than men.

197. And women of color even less.

198. I can't stop laughing.

199. Ah, does anyone have a defibrillator?

200. Stop, you could lose a finger.

201. And you helping me isn't working.

202. I need Norville back.

203. I literally just died without him.

204. Well, almost died.

205. Still, if I can separate reality dating shows' exploitation of women

206. from my obsessive need to watch them,

207. I can separate Gigi from Norville.

208. I have no choice but to lure him

209. to the one place no girlfriend would ever go.

210. Oh, ooh! Let me guess.

211. Cigar lounge. His dad's woodshop.

212. World War II museum?

213. No. My dad and stepmom are out of the house tonight,

214. so I'm gonna host a little get together.

215. Looks like the marching band sleepover just got uncanceled.

216. May God have mercy on my soul.

217. Okay, remember to take your pill with food,

218. and absolutely no getting murdered after curfew, young lady.

219. Band members only. You got ID?

220. Okay, listen up, nerds.

221. We gotta keep it tidy.

222. My dad's girlfriend is a total OCD SOB.

223. And she's bringing a baby home tomorrow.

224. So, if any of youse need to empty your spit valves, do it in this.

225. Was there anything else, Sophie?

226. Uh, yeah, a lot, actually.

227. Oh, right. Don't break anything.

228. Sophie will have a heart attack and die.

229. And then I'd have to help with the baby until we find a nanny.

230. Velma!

231. What was that?

232. Nothing, bye.

233. Fred, you're not allowed in here.

234. I know, I know. I'm not in band.

235. Thank God. I'd rather kiss a toilet.

236. But speaking of kissing toilets,

237. I still wanna win your heart by helping you.

238. Fred, I gave you a chance.

239. I died— Hey, don't eat that!

240. That's baking soda, you filthy animal!

241. But you don't have any food.

242. And a marching band sleepover without food

243. is like a theater sleepover without horny undertones.

244. Crap! I forgot to order pizzas.

245. On it.

246. Your friends will remember this as the best marching band sleepover ever.

247. Move it, loser.

248. The Crystal Mines gang was comprised

249. of former employees of the Crystal Mines Mining Experience,

250. who banded together when the mines shuttered in the early '90s.

251. Mine's closed. Everyone's fired.

252. The gang of newly unemployed workers stayed behind,

253. using the mine's old tour boats

254. to travel beneath the streets of Crystal Cove,

255. conducting robberies for years, undetected.

256. By the time Detectives Linda and Donna Blake

257. brought the gang to justice,

258. it had grown to 20 members,

259. including one infant.

260. Oh, my God!

261. Genetically, I'm a villain.

262. No wonder I'm attracted to a girl who looks like a little henchman.

263. Why are you dropping me off here?

264. Velma's house is a block away.

265. Oh, no, I don't want to be seen near your band friends.

266. As principal, I have a reputation to uphold.

267. You understand, right?

268. Totally. I could stay home for curfew if that's easier.

269. Night to ourselves!

270. Time to get freaky!

271. Band members only, Red.

272. But I need to talk to Velma.

273. Hey, have you guys never seen a girl before?

274. You're pitching tents like I'm launching a sneaker line.

275. Daphne?

276. Velma, I may have found my real—

277. You haven't seen Norville, have you?

278. He's like the only dork in town,

279. - not inside my house. - No, but—

280. Trumpet!

281. Do not use that plunger as a mute.

282. That's how Ebola happened.

283. Velma, wait.

284. Norville!

285. You're not gonna believe this, but I may have found my birth parents.

286. No way. Tell me every detail.

287. Sorry, I just need to borrow this guy

288. - for one second. - Ah!

289. Okay, Norville. I understand that for some reason,

290. you've chosen Gigi, a beautiful girl who puts out, over your angry friend.

291. But I have a clue about my mom, and I can't research it without you.

292. Please.

293. Oh, I... I guess I can help with one clue.

294. Thank you.

295. But make it fast. It sounds like Gigi just got here.

296. Gigi?

297. Stop.

298. What the hell are you doing here, Gigi?

299. Hot girls aren't in band. They're in choir.

300. I know, but Norville made band sound so fun,

301. I didn't wanna miss out.

302. So, one call to the registrar and voila!

303. It's pronounced viola, you idiot,

304. and that's an orchestra thing.

305. I know that. And let me guess.

306. You play bassoon.

307. How dare you?

308. I'm a flutatist.

309. Interesting.

310. So am I.

311. So how about we have a little flute-off?

312. If I win, I stay.

313. And if I win,

314. Norville does whatever I say, forever.

315. And do I get to weigh in?

316. No!

317. Flute, flute, flute!

318. Ah, so good, babe, I support you.

319. Everybody duck.

320. There's about to be a drive-by fluting.

321. Should we stop them? Devon just unplugged his cochlear implants.

322. We survived!

323. - Was that jazz? - Totally flute battle ever!

324. Gigi wins!

325. Hey.

326. Just checking in on the pizza.

327. Do we have an ETA on when we can E-A-T?

328. I do. In two seconds, you're gonna eat my fist.

329. But I need to take a pill with food.

330. - Me, too. - Me, too.

331. Me, too.

332. I'm sorry. I hate to do this, but I'm trying to impress

333. a very smart, very stout young woman.

334. So, when I say quadruple meat, I mean quadruple meat.

335. Make them again! And untie those garlic knots.

336. She likes breadsticks.

337. Can I help you?

338. Look, let's cut the crap.

339. Norville was mine way before he was yours.

340. So I'm only gonna say this once.

341. Please, please, please let Norville help me. I need him.

342. Please.

343. Hey, Daph. Since curfew has us stuck inside all night,

344. you wanna set up the old silk screener, huh?

345. Maybe throw some vacation photos on the tote bag?

346. Actually, I was hoping we could talk about the story of my adoption.

347. What's to talk about?

348. It's like we've always said.

349. We found you wrapped in a blanket

350. in the middle of a cornfield.

351. Right. So I was just lying on the ground or...

352. No...

353. You were in a crater.

354. You know, the way you're talking in unison

355. makes this feel kind of rehearsed.

356. It's not rehearsed, sweetie.

357. This is the true story of your adoption.

358. So my origin is the exact same as Superman?

359. We don't know who that is.

360. Look, I'm simply proposing we share Norville.

361. I get him Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and whenever I have a casual whim.

362. Velma, Norville isn't something you share like a sandwich.

363. Who shares a sandwich?

364. Do you even know what's going on with his family right now?

365. What? Are their matching Christmas pajamas on back order?

366. Yes! But also... Sorry.

367. I promised Norville that I wouldn't talk about it with you.

368. With me?

369. But Norville tells me everything.

370. I have to go.

371. Norville would be mad if you even knew I knew.

372. Bye!

373. Oh, wait. That!

374. - No, I know about that. - Wait.

375. You do? He told you?

376. He did. And honestly, I'm shocked he told you, given...

377. Given what?

378. You know. Your... you know.

379. Are you sure we're talking about the same thing?

380. I haven't been this positive since my scoliosis test,

381. but the only way to know for sure

382. is if we say it at exactly the same time.

383. Well, that seems smart.

384. Dr. Edna Perdue is your grandmother?

385. You know my mom went missing when she was researching her house.

386. Gigi, I swore you to secrecy.

387. You placed your hand on your verified checkmark and everything.

388. How could you tell Gigi and not me?

389. You tell me everything.

390. I don't always listen, but still.

391. I can't talk about this.

392. I never should have trusted either of you.

393. Norville.

394. Oh, my God, Velma, I did it.

395. For the first time in my life,

396. I didn't bungle a task so badly that

397. it needs to be covered up by an Israeli security firm.

398. It's okay, it's okay.

399. This is just what they call Detroit style pizza.

400. Curfew time!

401. Last one inside is a person of interest.

402. And now it's basically Dominoes.

403. Well, I tried, but only got halfway there.

404. That's just me living up to my label as a male feminist.

405. Well, curfew started,

406. and you're stuck here all night, Norville. So spill it.

407. How is my mom's disappearance related to your grandma?

408. I can't talk about it.

409. I just learned about it a few days ago,

410. and the truth could ruin my mom's life.

411. Your mom's a high school principal

412. married to a guidance counselor.

413. It can't get more ruined than that.

414. What the hell!

415. Hey, I told you not to mess up my house.

416. I'll be disowned.

417. And I'm too old and mouthy to be adopted.

418. This is what happens when we don't take our pills.

419. We gotta feed these nerds now or my house will be destroyed.

420. Wait, I found a bag of salad.

421. Velma, don't.

422. These are band nerds.

423. They subsist on energy drinks and chips.

424. You give them something green, they could die.

425. Well, if it has to be unhealthy,

426. then what about Spooners?

427. The health inspector called it "I quit"

428. Well, that could work, but no one's allowed outside right now.

429. I am the mayor.

430. Except for cops.

431. Fred, you're a genius.

432. Yes, I've finally helped you.

433. So, are you into me now or what?

434. We could take Daphne's moms' cop car to Spooners to get food there.

435. Unfortunately, I don't drive.

436. And Fred doesn't drive, and Gigi doesn't drive.

437. And Norville, in light of the recent revelation that I take advantage of you,

438. I couldn't expect you to do this for me.

439. So... Oh, well, it was almost a good idea.

440. Guess my house will just get destroyed.

441. No.

442. - I'll do it. - No!

443. Norville, I told you if you do any more simping for her,

444. we're through.

445. Gigi, I am not doing this because I'm simping for Velma.

446. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do.

447. I'm simping for myself.

448. - Oh, yuck! - Ugh!

449. I just need someone to get the keys to the car from Daphne.

450. Me? But I do everything around here.

451. Join us.

452. Velma, finally!

453. You're literally the only person I can talk to right now,

454. - and I'm freaking out. - Okay, it's okay.

455. Calm down. I'm here, and all I wanna do is help you.

456. - Really? - Yes.

457. Immediately after you do me a huge favor.

458. Thank you so much, Daphne,

459. and whatever's going on with you, just put it in a text

460. and I promise I'll give it a thumbs up by Monday at the earliest.

461. Huh.

462. All right, let's get out of here.

463. Those roaches are not happy we're stealing their homes.

464. Wait, hold on. We need to go back.

465. I wanna write an IOU for the food.

466. There's no time! You'll get caught.

467. Sorry, I have no choice.

468. I mean, if we don't support a small business

469. owned by a woman of color, who will?

470. Wow, Norville.

471. You're not just a better friend than I am,

472. you're a better person.

473. And I give homeless people hella nickels.

474. So, I hear they're giving out free Katy Perry tickets

475. to serial killers over at the police station.

476. Sounds like a good deal. You might wanna check it out.

477. Oh, God, what are we gonna do? I can't go back to jail.

478. I still owe my cell mate notes on his screenplay.

479. Don't worry, you guys head home.

480. I'll distract Sheriff Cogburn.

481. But, Velma, you could go to jail.

482. You'd hate it. They spend an hour outdoors every day.

483. It's only for one night.

484. And you'd do it for me.

485. Wow. Thanks.

486. Just get out of here before I change my mind.

487. Wait! I changed my mind.

488. Now I changed it back. Go, quick.

489. Hey! Hey, you there!

490. Hey, Cogburn.

491. What the...

492. I'm out past curfew,

493. and I think the movie Serpico is boring.

494. What are you gonna do about that?

495. Gotcha!

496. Principal Rogers?

497. Oh, my God, I have to post this.

498. What will it take for you to not do that?

499. Hello.

500. Welcome to the Crystal Mines Mining Experience.

501. I'm Casey Kasem,

502. here to guide you through America's 40th most popular mine.

503. Oh, man.

504. Oh, no. We're too late.

505. Rise and shine! You're all free to go.

506. Since you didn't post that picture,

507. be in my office Monday morning.

508. I'll tell you everything I know about my mom, Dr. Edna Perdue.

509. Great.

510. Welcome home, Amanda.

511. If you think the outside is clean and tidy,

512. you ain't seen nothing.

513. Isn't that right, Velma?

514. What?

515. - Ugh! - Oh, that's so cute.

516. And don't worry, Velma will clean it up.

517. Dear Velma, sorry the band made such a mess.

518. Gigi wants you to know that Norville did not clean your house for you.

519. Norville did, however, threaten to shove our instruments up our butts

520. if we didn't clean it. Musically, yours.

521. The marching band.

522. Velma, what the hell happened to your teeth?

523. This first factoid

524. goes out to Jenny L. in—

525. Welcome home, Daphne.

526. I'm your mother, Caroll.

527. And I'm your father, Darren.

528. And this is the Crystal Mines Gang.

529. Yeah, sorry.

530. I'd be lying if I said you'll get used to that.