1. Previously on Velma
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2. She has no brain!
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3. Now, when I try to
solve a mystery,
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4. my guilt triggers
a potentially heart
stopping hallucination.
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5. Wait, you think
I killed Brenda?
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6. You just said you were
going to do to me
what you did to her.
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7. I meant pay you
to keep quiet.
I'm innocent!
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8. Uh, Velma,
you should see this.
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9. Ugh!
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10. Ahhh!
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11. Oh God, it's Krista!
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12. And she also
has no brain.
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13. So, what's
more surprising?
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14. Fred Jones being arrested
for murdering and
removing the brains
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15. of Brenda Bright
and Krista McCray
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16. or that his delicate,
teen heartthrob good looks
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17. stem from the fact
that he hasn't gone
through puberty yet?
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18. The murders.
Obviously, it's the murders.
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19. It's not small, it's scared!
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20. But it just
goes to show,
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21. we all have secrets.
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22. Velma's birthday gift!
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23. Even the ones
we least expect.
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24. Ahhh!
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25. But as much
as you try to hide
who you really are...
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26. Your ass is mine,
best friend.
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27. Velma Dinkley
always knows
the ugly truth,
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28. Velma, have you
seen that sweater vest
I bought Sophie?
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29. Uh, no.
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30. Because without your ascot,
you're naked.
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31. Jones Gentlemen's Accessories.
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32. What are you, poor?
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33. Yes, Fred Jones,
heir to the Jones Gentlemen's
Accessories fortune,
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34. was arrested last night
for murder.
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35. Yeah, thanks to me!
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36. And according to
the police, Jones would have
gotten away with it, too.
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37. if it wasn't for
his classmate...
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38. Say my name, say my name.
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39. Vermin Dorkley.
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40. It's Velma Dorkley!
I mean Dinkley!
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41. And finally only
one lawyer has agreed
to represent Fred Jones.
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42. Vermin's own father,
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43. - Aman Dinkley!
- What?
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44. Velma, winning
this case could make
your father rich!
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45. I already bought
a baby monitor
that shoots on film.
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46. It just looks more real,
you know?
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47. Exactly.
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48. I mean, look at this
from my perspective, Velma.
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49. If you needed money
to keep your
pregnant girlfriend happy,
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50. and then you heard what
the Joneses are
willing to pay,
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51. I'm sure you'd agree
it's possible
Fred didn't do it.
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52. Fred's a rich white guy
with a tiny dong.
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53. He did it.
Now, excuse me.
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54. I have to go find
my missing mother.
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55. You didn't mention
Fred had a tiny dong.
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56. Oh yeah, real baby carrot.
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57. And I'm going to ride it
all the way to victory!
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58. Huh?
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59. Wow, people seem to
be taking to the fact
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60. that Fred is
a brain stealing sociopath
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61. - really well.
- All our classmates
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62. are idiots or sheep,
so let's assume
they're high.
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63. Man, if I ever even think
about getting into 420,
420 culture,
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64. or especially
420 related humor, kill me.
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65. You know what 420 is right?
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66. Um, yeah.
It's code for adults
who still watch cartoons.
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67. Now, have you seen Daphne?
Her parents are detectives,
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68. so I need her help
to get my mom's
cold case files.
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69. You want me to come with
in case you have
another hallucination?
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70. Thanks. But after
catching Fred,
I feel my hallucinations
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71. are like the return of
high waisted jeans.
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72. It took a while,
but we're finally through
the worst of it.
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73. Sweetie, are you sure
you don't want to take
a mental health day?
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74. It's not often your boyfriend
is arrested
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75. for removing
two of your friends' brains.
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76. Thank you.
But if the kids in
every teen show ever
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77. can get through a brush
with a deranged serial killer,
so can I.
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78. Good lord!
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79. It smells like the
Playboy Jazz Festival
out there.
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80. And a kid's eating
sheet cake at 8:00
in the morning.
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81. - You thinking
what I'm thinking?
- Let's go get a sheet cake?
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82. High five!
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83. Hey, Daphne.
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84. What do you want, Vermin?
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85. Just to offer my
sincerest condolences
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86. for the loss of your
more popular friends
that you picked over me.
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87. Stop! I know you think
I'm a huge bitch
who ditched you to be cool.
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88. What? That's so not true.
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89. Fine.
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90. I need a favor.
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91. I need you to get me
my mom's cold case file.
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92. Why would I do that?
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93. We're not friends anymore.
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94. - We're nemesises...
- Nemeses.
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95. - That's why.
- Okay.
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96. Well, I was hoping
you'd get it for me
for old time's sake.
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97. I see.
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98. Well, for old time's sake,
I'll give you the file...
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99. - Really?
- For $500.
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100. Five hundred dollars?
That's like,
a million dollars.
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101. Well, like you said,
I'm a huge bitch.
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102. I was being sarcastic.
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103. You can't read tone
in graffiti.
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104. Five hundred dollars
or nothing.
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105. Ugh.
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106. Now, first, thank you
for taking my case.
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107. We could not be happier
you're on the team,
Velma's dad.
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108. Sorry, what we meant
to say is that you are
our last choice.
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109. And if you blow this,
my family will bring
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110. the full weight of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories
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111. and Jones Gentlemen's
Accessories for Women
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112. down on your head!
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113. Okay, uh, well, the case
won't be easy.
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114. Of course it will.
I'm innocent.
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115. The only reason
people think I removed
those girls' brains
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116. is because I
"basically confessed"
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117. and have
"well documented anger issues".
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118. I mean, does that even mean?
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119. Hey! Am I on a hunger strike?
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120. Where the hell are my pancakes?
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121. Uh, are you trying to
choke me to death?
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122. You forgot cutties.
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123. You're embarrassing
ourself, Frederick.
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124. It's bad enough
you still eat pancakes
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125. and drink non alcoholic
beverages like a baby!
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126. Yes, Father.
Sorry... Sorry, Father.
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127. Our apologies, Aman.
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128. Freddie is due in court
this afternoon, and the case
has everyone out of sorts.
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129. No, this childishness
is actually perfect.
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130. See, I feel the only way
to prove Fred's innocence
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131. is to play up the fact
that he's a late bloomer.
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132. I mean, the world
sees Fred Jones,
teen sociopath.
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133. So instead,
let's show them Fred Jones,
innocent little boy.
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134. It can't miss, right?
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135. Please say it can't miss.
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136. My girlfriend just bought
a $2,000 stroller.
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137. - It hovers.
- William,
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138. our son cannot go to prison.
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139. He can barely survive
on the outside as is.
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140. Victoria, admitting
he's a little boy is worse
than any crime.
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141. It's embarrassing.
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142. He is the future CEO of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories!
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143. Is he, though?
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144. Well, try it your way.
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145. Great. I just hope people
can actually think
I'm a little kid.
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146. Ah, crap. I'm all syrupy.
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147. Bathies!
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148. So, Velma,
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149. what brings you to
Casa Del Norville Rogers,
Blythe Rogers
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150. and me, his father,
Lamont Rogers?
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151. Here for a Rogering,
as we might say?
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152. Oh, I was just in
the neighborhood.
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153. No ulterior motive whatsoever.
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154. Hey, that's a nice vase.
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155. Is that worth $500?
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156. Oh, hey, look who's busy
not finding my
missing mother.
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157. Actually, Daphne's moms
are here
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158. because they think we have
a Candy Man problem
at school.
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159. And as the principal,
I've asked them
to go undercover
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160. as high school students
to find them.
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161. And that's the 4-1-1,
home skillet.
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162. Words.
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163. Candy Man?
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164. I think you mean
Sugar Daddy?
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165. And Sarah's 18.
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166. Her parents are cool with it.
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167. A Candy Man's
a drug dealer,
V-Dawg.
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168. I knew that.
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169. So is Norville in his room?
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170. What's going on, guys.
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171. So today on Norville Snacks,
our World Tour
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172. continues East,
as we say ni hao
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173. to Beijing style shrimp chips.
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174. - Norville!
- Velma! Not while I'm live.
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175. I can't get banned for
your thoughts on South Asian
desserts again.
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176. I'm so sorry,
but this is important.
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177. Daphne wants $500 for the file,
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178. and all my money
is tied up in
streaming services.
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179. Velma, I don't have it.
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180. My mom's birthday
is coming up, and this year
she just wants cash.
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181. Otherwise, you know
I'd give it to you.
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182. I know, it's okay.
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183. Like the dessert course
at an Indian restaurant
just forget it.
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184. Wait in teen movies,
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185. whenever a girl
needs money,
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186. a guy sells something
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187. and then blackmails
the girl into dating him
for it.
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188. Problematic, but effective.
And hilarious!
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189. So it was not easy,
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190. but I got your $5.
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191. I assume I-O-U's are okay?
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192. It's $500, Velma.
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193. But if you don't have it,
there might be a way
you can earn it.
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194. I was thinking you could
come work for me.
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195. Doing what?
And is the office culture cool?
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196. Like, are there snacks?
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197. You're the Candy Man?
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198. Candy Woman.
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199. And I have
your sugar right here.
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200. Daphne, why would you
deal drugs?
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201. You're beautiful and popular.
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202. Being a bad girl too
just muddles your brand.
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203. This doesn't make me
a bad girl.
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204. According to TV,
it's morally okay
to deal drugs
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205. if your life is just
kind of crappy.
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206. Like your kid's sick,
you're a widow
with a mortgage.
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207. You have to live on a lake
in Missouri.
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208. Those are all
white people, Daphne.
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209. Minorities on TV
can only deal drugs
to escape poverty.
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210. Wait, that's it.
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211. This is about you
trying to run with
your fancy rich crowd.
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212. Yup, that must be it.
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213. Because the brilliant
Velma Dinkley knows
everything about everyone,
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214. and isn't afraid to say it.
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215. Exactly. I spit truth
without a filter,
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216. like every
comedian before
hashtag "MeToo".
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217. Look, are you in
or are you out?
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218. Oh, I'm out.
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219. Because if you
don't give me
that file,
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220. I'll tell your
police officer moms
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221. their perfect daughter is...
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222. You. Wouldn't. Dare.
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223. Yeah, no, it was a dumb idea.
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224. So what are we selling?
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225. Oh, just the usual.
Zoinks, Jeepers,
Mystery Machine,
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226. and of course,
guh-guh-guh-guh-ganja.
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227. Only $80?
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228. But I need $500
to get a girl to date me.
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229. Hilarious. But no.
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230. Huh.
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231. Psst. You want to
make some real money?
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232. I don't have time
to flip houses,
but I'll hear you out.
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233. Nice roller bag.
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234. You selling bibles later?
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235. Nice outfit.
You driving a big rig
to Bakersfield later.
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236. No, dummy.
This is a disguise.
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237. Because what we're doing
is illegal.
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238. Oh, sorry we can't
all make it rain
cool shades, El Chapo.
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239. You know what?
Let's just do this.
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240. Don't you want any tips
on selling?
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241. Mmm, I think I got it.
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242. Drugs are like crack
to these people.
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243. Now most cultures of the world
as a rule, wouldn't mix
kiwi and whitefish.
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244. But they don't play
by the rules in North Korea.
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245. Drugs here!
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246. Get your drugs here!
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247. Narc, narc.
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248. White girl
with too much money
white girl with too much money.
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249. You don't know me.
I'm a white girl who's bored.
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250. Let's roll.
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251. Yeah. Go. I don't care.
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252. Enjoy your slow descent
into organic farming, losers.
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253. Look, I know you're a genius...
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254. - Thank you.
- Who thinks she has
everyone pegged.
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255. - Only because I do.
- But you might have
more success with this
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256. if you went in
just a little less judgy.
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257. Wait, I'm judgy?
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258. You would say
something like that.
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259. You want your mom's
cold case file, right?
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260. Yes. Fine.
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261. I'll try. I'll try.
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262. If you want to
get swole, try Zoinks!
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263. You'll be bouncing them
big old man boobs
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264. faster than you can say,
"Who is this for?"
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265. Yeah, we like the
sound of that.
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266. What'll it cost?
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267. Not much.
Just your dad's love
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268. when you blow out
your knee and
lose your scholarship.
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269. I was being helpful.
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270. The sooner he can
focus on getting his real
estate license, the better.
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271. Jeepers raises
your dopamine levels,
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272. so it will definitely
help you memorize your lines.
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273. - Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
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274. Huzzah!
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275. Yeah. I'm sorry, Velma.
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276. I could feel you forcing that.
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277. Yeah. You know
what else feels forced?
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278. Your belief that
you're the only one
sleeping with the lead.
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279. Oh, my God.
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280. Sorry. Sorry.
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281. Okay. You're fired.
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282. What? Why?
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283. Uh, will I sell you a kidney,
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284. to get the $500
I need to make Velma date me?
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285. I mean, I'd be a fool
not to at this point, right?
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286. Justice for
Brenda and Krista!
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287. It's a mob scene here
as Fred Jones arrives
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288. for his day in court.
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289. Aman, over here.
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290. Aman! How could
you risk your career
and entire livelihood
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291. on the most
unlikeable defendant
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292. since that chimpanzee
who ate a woman's face?
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293. Because what you see as risk,
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294. I see as mere... child's play.
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295. Hewo fwends! My name is Fwed!
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296. What's yours?
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297. Aw!
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298. Wow, I think I speak
for the entire journalistic
community when I say,
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299. "Don't I feel like an asshole!"
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300. No way this scrumptious muffin
removed those girls' brains!
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301. T'anks, news lady!
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302. Stop! No pictures!
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303. Unless it's in portrait mode!
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304. Oh, God,
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305. he looks like Hitler!
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306. And not just because
we compare everyone
to Hitler these days.
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307. Ugh, come on!
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308. You couldn't keep
your opinions to
yourself, could you?
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309. I literally
had to take five Jeepers
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310. not to strangle you... Whoa!
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311. Oh, sorry, I can't just
conjure up a whole
new personality
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312. whenever I want
like some sort of sexy witch.
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313. Is that really
what you think of me?
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314. Hey, girlies!
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315. Okay, since you know so much,
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316. why am I selling drugs?
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317. Um, easy.
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318. You're looking
to rebel against
your overprotective parents
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319. but don't have
the balls to get pregnant.
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320. Wrong!
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321. I'm saving money
to hire a private investigator
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322. to find my biological family.
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323. Yeah. Unexpected twist.
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324. Holy crap. Really?
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325. Looking for
your family is a big deal.
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326. Yeah, it's just
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327. you know how
different I am from my moms.
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328. I need to
find out who I really am.
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329. Where do I come from?
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330. And how is my hair
the color of buffalo wings?
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331. I just always
figured your parents
were Wilma Flintstone
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332. and Daniel Dae Kim.
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333. Freeze, person in baseball hat,
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334. putting drugs
in my daughter's locker
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335. and other Oompa Loompa person!
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336. - We know you're the candymen!
- Linda!
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337. You're a cop
and not a teenager?
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338. But I love you!
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339. What do we do?
I can't go to jail.
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340. - Run!
- You know I can't.
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341. I'd prefer jail.
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342. I'm trapped!
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343. Oh, God!
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344. Oh, God, Daphne, no!
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345. Aw.
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346. Baby want sheet cake?
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347. Hey, hurry up in there!
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348. Give me the money!
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349. You wish, guy from
that "wanted" poster
all over town,
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350. All right. Don't make me
come in the bathroom.
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351. I'm a thief, not a perve.
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352. Argh!
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353. Nothing can stop me
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354. from buying Velma's love!
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355. Oh, that might.
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356. Hey!
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357. It is Norville
from Norville Snacks.
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358. Like, let him go, man.
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359. Wait, you stoners
watch Norville Snacks?
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360. Damn it! This is exactly
what happened to my
vlog about Lil Wayne.
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361. God, where is that candyman?
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362. I mean candyperson.
It could be anybody.
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363. Even though we both
definitely know it's a man.
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364. "I'm home and want
to adopt a sick cat.
Where are you?"
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365. A cat needs our love!
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366. Out of our way!
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367. Whoa, that totally
worked, Velma.
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368. A lotta help.
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369. Oh, sorry. I was just
wiping some garbage
slime off your cheek.
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370. Oh. Yeah, me too. Slime.
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371. Okay. Well, thankfully,
your moms are still
hella bad detectives.
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372. Yeah,
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373. they still think I spent
$200 on a math tutor
named Coachella.
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374. Wait. Am I enjoying
hanging out with you again?
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375. Or is it the high
of moderate exercise?
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376. I don't know. Maybe I'm
not the shallow monster
you think I've become.
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377. Maybe you
judge people so harshly
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378. because it's easier
to feel right from afar
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379. than risk
getting close
and being wrong.
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380. Okay, Easy, Dr. Phil.
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381. I'm the brains
of this operation.
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382. You're just the look,
style and effortless charm.
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383. We do make
a good team, don't we?
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384. Well,
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385. speaking of teams,
someone's looking to score.
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386. and if you
want your mom's file,
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387. you're going
to sell to them my way.
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388. That's him.
The guy in the beanie.
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389. It's always
the guy in the beanie.
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390. A beanie? It's 90 degrees out!
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391. And I'm not supposed to assume
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392. - he's hiding a bald spot?
- No! Less assuming!
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393. More criminal behavior.
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394. Go!
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395. Drugs here.
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396. Get your fresh
hot drugs here.
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397. Hey, do you have
anything that can
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398. make me feel better about
having ruined my life?
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399. Wait, Dad?
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400. Velma?
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401. Why were you
selling drugs?
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402. To make money, genius.
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403. The real question is,
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404. why were you
wearing a beanie?
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405. Those are only
for television actors
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406. who want you to know
that their roots
are still in theater.
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407. Wait, you don't care
that I was buying drugs?
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408. That makes sense.
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409. You gambled our future
on Fred Jones' innocence
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410. and now drugs
are the only escape.
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411. But what do you
possibly need
drug dealing money for?
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412. I already buy you
all the inhalers
you could ever want.
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413. Oh, fine.
Copy !req
414. Daphne will give me Mom's
cold case file for $500.
Copy !req
415. Okay, look, I'll give you
the $500 for her file
Copy !req
416. if you help me
prove Fred's innocent.
Copy !req
417. What? Are you crazy?
Copy !req
418. Finding Fred innocent
would require me
Copy !req
419. to admit I'd incorrectly
pre-judged someone.
Copy !req
420. Wait.
Copy !req
421. Yeah. No, I was right.
Copy !req
422. Homeslice is like
Robert Durst level guilty.
Copy !req
423. Okay. But instead of just
staring at the evidence
Copy !req
424. and swearing very loudly,
Copy !req
425. do you maybe want
to ask me some questions?
Copy !req
426. Yeah, I do.
Why frame me?
Copy !req
427. Yeah, exactly.
Why would I do that?
Copy !req
428. Before you just
started talking,
Copy !req
429. I thought you were
our housekeeper.
Copy !req
430. Oh, my God,
could that be colder?
Copy !req
431. You know what?
Now I'm in a snit.
Copy !req
432. Let's regroup
after lunch.
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433. Cutties.
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434. Holy crap.
You are innocent.
Copy !req
435. He is?
Copy !req
436. Okay, here's
your $500 reward.
Copy !req
437. Good luck using it
to coerce Velma
into dating you.
Copy !req
438. Keep it. The stoners
caught him, not me.
Copy !req
439. If I want Velma
to like me now,
Copy !req
440. I'm just gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.
Copy !req
441. Bet a friend
I can make her fancy.
Copy !req
442. Ha! That's how
we got together.
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443. Okay.
For my next witness,
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444. I would like to call
the woman who caught Fred
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445. my own daughter,
Velma Dinkley.
Copy !req
446. Velma, do you swear
to tell the truth,
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447. the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
Copy !req
448. So help me,
Shonda Rhimes, I do.
Copy !req
449. Now, Velma,
how long have you
known the defendant?
Copy !req
450. We met at lunch
in the eighth grade
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451. when he confused me
for a beanbag chair.
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452. Classic.
Copy !req
453. And what did you
think of my client?
Copy !req
454. Honestly, that
he was super hot.
Copy !req
455. But also that he was
just another
entitled rich guy
Copy !req
456. who might kill someone
because he has a tiny dong.
Copy !req
457. Unfortunately,
I was wrong about Fred.
Copy !req
458. The way it's possible
Copy !req
459. I might have been wrong
about other people.
Copy !req
460. Weird. It feels like
she's looking right at me.
Copy !req
461. Why would Velma want
to send me a message, Daphne?
Copy !req
462. Fred Jones did not kill
those two girls.
Copy !req
463. His whole life, Fred has
never had to lift a finger
Copy !req
464. to do anything.
He's been so pampered,
Copy !req
465. his body hasn't even felt
the need to fully mature.
I mean,
Copy !req
466. Fred literally
can't feed himself.
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467. Uh, that's not true.
Copy !req
468. No, you...
You just cut the food
and put it on the...
Copy !req
469. W... What's the dumb thing
called? A dinglehopper!
Copy !req
470. Great. Show us.
Copy !req
471. Cutties.
Mother, cutties.
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472. Oh, my God,
he is just like a little boy.
Copy !req
473. Exactly.
Copy !req
474. So tell me this.
Copy !req
475. How could someone
who can't even cut a steak
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476. remove two girls' brains?
Copy !req
477. He couldn't!
Clearly Fred's innocent.
Copy !req
478. But at what cost
to his reputation
Copy !req
479. and that of his
family's business?
Copy !req
480. That lump has made
a mockery of us!
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481. Be nice. Our son is free.
Copy !req
482. I'd say that lump
did quite well.
Copy !req
483. Uh-oh.
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484. That's not true.
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485. I'm a big boy.
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486. A big boy who could
have removed those
dumb girls' brains,
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487. no problem
if I wanted to!
Copy !req
488. Hear, hear!
Copy !req
489. Guilty.
Copy !req
490. Based on what?
Copy !req
491. Hmm.
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492. Wow. Blonde-haired people
have bad days, too.
Copy !req
493. Oh, my God,
what have I done?
Copy !req
494. I'm ruined.
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495. They wouldn't even
let me represent
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496. a gymnastics coach now.
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497. Daphne?
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498. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
499. Wait. Did you
realize I stole
all your Zoinks?
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500. - Please don't kill me.
- No, you're good.
Copy !req
501. I mean, return it
or I'll hurt you
very badly,
Copy !req
502. but I saw you on TV
and brought you this.
Copy !req
503. My mom's
cold case file! Thank you!
Copy !req
504. Wait, do you not
have potentially
fatal hallucinations
Copy !req
505. when you try to solve
mysteries anymore?
Copy !req
506. You remember that?
Copy !req
507. You had one of your
first ones at my house
Copy !req
508. back before...
Copy !req
509. Well, your fear pee stain
is still on my rug.
Copy !req
510. Well, I think I'm fine.
Copy !req
511. Norville helped me
get over them
Copy !req
512. in the last episode
of my hallucinations.
Copy !req
513. Velma!
Copy !req
514. Are you hallucinating?
I'll put down newspaper.
Copy !req
515. No, it's a clue.
Copy !req
516. The last place my mom's
cell phone pinged
Copy !req
517. the night she went missing
was at Fred's house.
Copy !req
518. Damn it! I knew
that jerk was guilty.
Copy !req
519. Too bad
you'll never know for sure.
Copy !req
520. Ahhh! I was wrong again!
I'm hallucinating! Help!
Copy !req
521. No one can help
you now, Velma.
Copy !req
522. Solving mysteries
only causes pain.
Copy !req
523. Velma.
What do I do? Velma!
Copy !req
524. Try to make me laugh.
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525. Okay, I, uh, oh,
I don't know any jokes
Copy !req
526. but my moms love my
impression of my Aunt Cindy.
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527. I am sad
my husband died.
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528. Anything?
Copy !req
529. No. Try something else.
Anything. Quick!
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530. Oh God, my heart!
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531. What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?
Copy !req
532. Did that work?
Copy !req
533. Yeah.
Copy !req
534. Great. Now even just
being myself won't work.
Copy !req
535. Romcoms can kiss my ass.
Copy !req
536. My name's Fred.
Who are you?
Copy !req
537. They call me The Thief.
Copy !req
538. What are you in for?
Copy !req
539. Thieving. But I'm innocent.
Copy !req
540. Aren't we all?
Copy !req
541. Ooh! Bunk beds!
Copy !req
542. Hoisties!
Copy !req