Veep 1x7

1. (ON RADlO) So Vice President Meyer is under pressure today, Rod.

2. That's right, Vic. She fired one of her Secret Service men because he smiled.

3. He wasn't fired, he was reassigned.

4. This doesn't look good for the VP's Chief of Staff Amy Brookheimer.

5. Amy, you listening to Crock FM right now?

6. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

7. Well, don't sweat it. I can still bust some moves in this town.

8. Bust some moves? Really, Mike?

9. I have a black belt in Mike Kwan Do.

10. All right, sir, no.

11. Okay, okay. Hey, hey, easy, dough boy.

12. Hands off the suit.

13. Uh-oh, Blame Me Brookheimer. - (VlC LAUGHS)

14. Stop laughing there, Vic. That's treason.

15. - Hello? - Dan.

16. You must have a huge schaden-boner over this Amy flack.

17. Oh, I take no pleasure in my colleague's very public, brutal...

18. I'm trying to watch TV. Would you please move?

19. and probably career-ending humiliation, Jonah.

20. God, she is gonna go ape-shit menstrual over this.

21. Hey, I'm on the phone with AT&T. Can you stop shouting "menstrual"?

22. Yeah, you know, she'll probably go a little menstrual.

23. Yeah, she probably will. Although, when you think about it,

24. it's actually kind of worse for you.

25. Is that right?

26. Well, the VP's office is a cataclysm on spin cycle.

27. And then you got that pregnancy rumor flying around

28. like the contents of a broken fucking condom.

29. It's gonna be last in and first out and you're a dead Dan walking... What the fuck?

30. This is going in with the dirty dishes, man.

31. For fuck's sake. If this is broken, I'm adding it to your fucking rent.

32. Please call in on this one. Should Amy Brookheimer go?

33. But the bottom line is, you keep the streets safe,

34. I'll keep your budget safe.

35. Well, I was gonna say that brings a smile to my face,

36. but that would be safe, wouldn't it, ma'am?

37. That's very funny, Bill. (CHUCKLlNG) You're fired.

38. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. (LAUGHS)

39. Hey, ma'am, it's leave o'clock.

40. Okay, yes. I'm afraid I have to go, gentlemen.

41. Thank you so much.

42. Let's be cheerful out there.

43. Mike, this is not a story.

44. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned.

45. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen?

46. It's the Secret Service, for Christ's sake.

47. Secret as in, "Shut the fuck up."

48. And service as in, "You work for me, okay?

49. "So why don't you shut the fuck up?"

50. We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name,

51. or would if it could still talk.

52. All right, I'm gonna be in my office.

53. Alone!

54. Oh, Gary, did the Veep just bitch slap you with a door?

55. She didn't mean that. She's got a lot on her mind today.

56. Oh, yeah, you mean like firing Amy?

57. Or someone who's undermining the President by back-channeling Macauley.

58. That's bullshit.

59. Okay, I need to tell you guys something.

60. Oh, what, is she out of hand sanitizer again?

61. I can't say this. I can't tell you this.

62. Gary, why are you talking in cliff-hangers?

63. Selina's had a miscarriage.

64. Well, this is good for us. Right?

65. Nicely done, Dandroid.

66. How is she?

67. Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

68. That's deep space cold, Dan.

69. Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

70. Yeah, okay, Ted. I'll call you back, then.

71. So that's...

72. What? What's going on?

73. I was telling the guys about my riding mower I got.

74. Wow, Gary.

75. That was quick. Look at that.

76. Okay, everybody. Please come into my office.

77. White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!

78. The skyscraper of shit has arrived.

79. Madam Vice President, top story today

80. is that viral sensation that's sweeping the nation.

81. What are you talking about?

82. - Uh, may l? - No, you may not.

83. It's tagged "Selina Sell-outta."

84. Selina Meyer, has this Veep lost control?

85. Are, are, are...

86. She says she's an environmentalist, but she vetoes environmental protection.

87. She sets up a Clean Jobs Task Force that includes not one, but two oil men.

88. I'm gonna tell you the truth.

89. What is the mental state of a Veep that fires a man for smiling?

90. - I love this part. - Could you...

91. I am Selina Meyer.

92. And I don't have any idea

93. what's going on in my office.

94. All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah.

95. - Get him out. - Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

96. - ls punching allowed? - Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance.

97. I have a much longer reach.

98. - Hey, did everybody get a chance to see this? - No!

99. I mean, how are we gonna shut this negativity down?

100. Amy, what are we gonna do?

101. Yeah, well, it's inaccurate.

102. Technically, the Secret Service guy was reassigned.

103. Yeah, and technically we didn't put two oil guys on Clean Jobs Task Force.

104. Oh, yeah, I see.

105. And technically this is a fully functioning office, too.

106. Well, that Secret Service clown has obviously leaked this.

107. That's right, Mike. Good. You know what?

108. You're gonna have to go talk to him, okay?

109. You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now.

110. Thanks, I think.

111. Okay, there's a White House request to publish

112. all the Secret Service office personnel records.

113. Are you kidding me? They want our records now?

114. What are we gonna do? What?

115. Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking,

116. why not release all of our fucking records?

117. - Full disclosure. - Are you serious?

118. Yeah, publish everything.

119. All of our emails, and all of our phone records.

120. Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything.

121. I mean, you can't read everything.

122. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

123. So by showing that we have nothing to hide,

124. then we can actually hide some stuff.

125. Dan, what do you think about this?

126. I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

127. Just because this isn't your baby, you don't...

128. God, I am so sorry.

129. Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

130. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it.

131. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this.

132. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence.

133. Full disclosure is now the name of the game.

134. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it.

135. - Right, Mike? - Yes, ma'am.

136. Okay.

137. Thank you.

138. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure.

139. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light.

140. We don't want to have a paper trail on Clean Jobs.

141. There can be no... Are you writing that down?

142. Why would you be writing that down?

143. Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to Clean Jobs, all right?

144. We have to check Sue's calendar,

145. make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

146. The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

147. Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure.

148. But the thing is, is that I still think

149. there needs to be something embarrassing in there.

150. - You know what I mean? - Sure.

151. So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

152. No, that's really good. And it makes... yeah.

153. Massages at the residence. The press will obsess about those.

154. - Massages? What massages? - That's good.

155. Your back facials.

156. - Oh. - Back facials? What?

157. Yeah, I get back acne. Backne.

158. Okay, okay. I think we can live with that. Shall we release the logs from the residence?

159. Uh, yeah, sure. We can do that.

160. - Okay? - Okay.

161. Got a plan. Oh, uh, Dan.

162. Can I talk to you just for a quick sec?

163. - Yeah. - You want me to stay?

164. Did I ask you to stay?

165. Thank you.

166. Um, Dan, listen, do I have anything that I need to be worried about?

167. Just a random example might be

168. anything about the Macauley amendment you need...

169. - No. Nope. - No?

170. Because if anyone thought this office

171. had anything to do with that amendment,

172. which went against the President's wishes and policy,

173. that would be completely wrong and it would be curtains for everyone.

174. Yes, ma'am.

175. I mean, I don't know what you did or didn't do,

176. but I do know that I can't know what you know or you don't know.

177. You know?

178. I know.

179. Okay, good.

180. (SlGHlNG) Oh, fuck.

181. You okay, ma'am?

182. Yeah, Ame, listen.

183. I'm sorry I snapped at you there.

184. I thought you were about to fire me.

185. I'm sorry to hear

186. that you lost... That you're no longer pregnant.

187. Oh, yeah, thanks.

188. Um, here's the deal, though. On top of everything else,

189. I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me.

190. What is that...

191. Nodding thing supposed to mean?

192. No, no, my...

193. Processing information.

194. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.

195. Oh, well, once you're done buffering,

196. what is it that you're thinking?

197. I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.

198. What do you mean?

199. Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off.

200. And now he just doesn't like what's...

201. Doesn't like what?

202. Maybe he just doesn't really...

203. Okay,

204. I think you'd better get out of my office.

205. - See, I didn't mean that... - It's okay.

206. - It's fine. - Okay.

207. Just...

208. Let me see this. Look, I can still read the names, okay?

209. You've got to put black marker over all the words.

210. Abby, you may have to pull an all-nighter

211. with the lDGN number redacting

212. if you're behind on the lDGN number redacting.

213. Okay, folks, 12 hours. Let's make it happen.

214. We can do this.

215. I'll get it.

216. Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

217. I know, who'd have thought transparent government

218. would take up so much of your field of vision?

219. - Have at it. - Get it while it's hot.

220. You got that?

221. You good?

222. Cup ofjoe for the guys. Man, I need it.

223. I could pass out right now.

224. You said this was a homeland security issue.

225. It's exactly that. It's a very homeland security angle... lssue.

226. It's imperative to me being here.

227. You ever been in the line of fire, Mike?

228. Yes, sir. Went to Iraq with the Veep.

229. Presented a Thanksgiving turkey.

230. I was there. No fire as I recall.

231. No, but the line was there.

232. (SlGHS) Do you mind?

233. So how's the placement over at Arlington Cemetery going?

234. I hear it's pretty nice there.

235. It's nothing to smile about.

236. I'm also looking after my uncle. He has dementia.

237. Does he ever say anything funny?

238. What do you want, Mr. McLintock?

239. Just want to make sure you're doing okay, Martin.

240. You think I'm the whistle-blower.

241. Whistle-blowing makes it sound patriotic.

242. I was fucking transferred for nothing.

243. No, you were transferred for being jocular and over familiar.

244. Security guys are supposed to be like wallpaper.

245. They're not supposed to be grinning like some ape.

246. Okay, uh...

247. The Times are saying we're trying to hide stuff by causing a deluge.

248. They're calling it an e-nami.

249. ls anybody picking up on the back facials?

250. The press was supposed to pick on those damn back facials.

251. No.

252. Hey, give me a J!

253. Hi, everybody.

254. So no apologies?

255. For what?

256. Oh, for what? Oh.

257. Washington Post. Page 17.

258. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions

259. for an unnamed White House aide.

260. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick.

261. "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat

262. "in the shape of a dick."

263. That made it in there!

264. Everybody knows this is me, guys.

265. Oh, everybody? Really?

266. Yes, everybody.

267. There are 3,000 people on the White House payroll, Jonah.

268. Who's the VP Liaison, Amy?

269. I'm going into coffee shops, I'm going into meetings,

270. and people are looking at me and whispering.

271. - (PHONE RlNGlNG) - And they are whispering, "Dick cake."

272. West Wing. Jonah.

273. No, who is D.C.?

274. Uh, Dick Cake.

275. Oh, for fuck's sake. Is this Ryan?

276. Oh, no, no, no! What?

277. Every time Ted stayed overnight at the residence has been fully disclosed.

278. Oh, Ted's gonna love that.

279. Some of the bloggers are linking Ted's overnighters to the pregnancy rumors.

280. What? Oh, come on.

281. Mike, can't you make me not have been pregnant?

282. - God! - You see?

283. This is what happens when you tell the truth. Nothing good comes of it.

284. Okay, I'm gonna get you a cup of rose hip tea.

285. Keith at Reuters says Secret Service story, it's out there.

286. - Right now? - Yeah.

287. It seems the Veep's office has compounded the problem

288. by insulting the man and calling him an ape.

289. Who's responsible for this deranged campaign?

290. Mike McLintock, Press Officer?

291. Chief of Staff Amy Brookheimer, or Selina Meyer herself?

292. Of course, she bears ultimate responsibility.

293. POTUS will not like this.

294. This is going to cause a total POTAL meltdown.

295. All right, get him out of here, Dan.

296. Yeah, why don't you run along and see if you can suck your own cake?

297. Oh, that's clever, Dan.

298. Did you say those things, Mike?

299. Ace play, Shakespeare. Really.

300. When in doubt, call a vet an ape.

301. Remind me, who did you blackmail to get this job?

302. All right, you know what? Let's get in my office right now.

303. - Your tea is almost ready. - Thank you.

304. Yet again we find ourselves in an office

305. that is completely non-fucking-functioning.

306. So what are we gonna do?

307. Exactly. We are gonna fire someone.

308. That's right. Does anybody have a better idea?

309. All right, so...

310. Who is it gonna be, huh?

311. - Sue. - Sue.

312. Oh, Sue. (CHUCKLES)

313. That's funny, you guys.

314. But seriously, Sue's not important enough.

315. Who is?

316. Oh, I know.

317. You three are important enough.

318. Ma'am, I just want to say I promise to do everything I can

319. to fix Amy's botched full disclosure policy and Mike's security blunder.

320. Hey, suck-up isn't gonna fix a fuck-up, Dan.

321. All right? You're not exempt.

322. - Gary. - Hmm?

323. I need some sort of a discreet place

324. where I can have a rendezvous with Ted, please.

325. - Where nobody goes. - Yes, ma'am.

326. Thank you. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

327. You may leave my office now.

328. - Shut? - Of course shut!

329. Oh, lord.

330. Oh, did you put a dash of...

331. Honey in the rose hip? Yes, ma'am.

332. I put a little Fig Newton there for you as well.

333. - Oh, outstanding, Gary. - Yeah.

334. - (SlGHS) - What? Okay.

335. - I'm sorry for the inconvenience. - Another one.

336. I understand.

337. - Press is up my ass. - Oh, so, okay, great.

338. Then you know exactly what my world is like.

339. No, bullshit. I don't have a Mike, an Amy, or fucking Dan.

340. Oh, do you want them? You can have them.

341. I'll give you a fucking deal on all three of them, too, if you want.

342. That's a nice way to treat people.

343. - Well, that's how I feel. - Here we go.

344. - You don't have to be snarky about this. - (PHONE RlNGlNG)

345. - Oh, my fucking lord! - (METAL CLATTERlNG)

346. You really need to calm down, okay?

347. You need to respect Gary's stuff here.

348. - Sorry, Gary. That's okay.

349. Look, this is my fucking private life.

350. - No, I know. - I thought I was fucking you in private.

351. - Ted, come on. I love to fuck you in private. - (PHONE RlNGlNG)

352. Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call.

353. The message was, "Please don't fucking call me again."

354. Right? So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass?

355. - Who are you talking to? - Okay, you vulture motherfucker?

356. - Was that a journalist? - Yes.

357. - Oh, God! - What?

358. What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother.

359. - Her mother, actually. - What the hell?

360. - They... - Come on, use your head.

361. You're just making it worse. Get yourself together.

362. Selina, I need some air. And we need to talk.

363. Uh, Gary?

364. Yes, ma'am?

365. - I'm gonna go. - Okay. Okay.

366. - I want you to stay here. - Okay.

367. I need you to end it with Ted.

368. Okay. What?

369. Yeah, I want you to let him go.

370. But you need to do it very sensitively.

371. And just make sure there aren't any repercussions

372. or anything like that, okay?

373. Um...

374. With all due respect, ma'am, wouldn't it be better if it came from you?

375. - Mmm... Mmm-mmm - Mmm-mmm.

376. No?

377. No, because I can't run the risk of talking to him again

378. because I think that he is about to dump me.

379. So I'm not gonna be the dumpee.

380. I'm gonna be the dumper.

381. Okay? He's gonna be the dumpee. So, you've got to go do that.

382. Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

383. Okay. Okay.

384. Oh, your house is so nice.

385. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

386. It's really sweet for you to say that.

387. Okay.

388. - She can go off, can't she? - Yeah.

389. - Yeah, sorry about that. - That's okay.

390. That's okay.

391. So maybe it's a good thing.

392. What? What's a good thing?

393. That she doesn't want to see you anymore.

394. Oh, ma'am. You've been off radar for over an hour.

395. Oh, did I miss anything?

396. Did the President ride through on a lion or something?

397. No, but you need to do a drop-in on the gaming association in 303.

398. All right. I don't want to end up with a horse's head in my bed.

399. Though there's room for one now.

400. I just want to know.

401. I hope you find out first. I really do.

402. Hey, you know what? I get fired, it's a big fucking deal.

403. For you, it's early retirement.

404. That was fun.

405. I just had a senior attorney completely trash my yard.

406. - You okay? Yeah, let me get you some coffee.

407. What happened, buddy? You want to talk about it?

408. He completely tore it up. I was afraid he was gonna cut my...

409. Wait a second. Did you just call me "buddy"?

410. You don't listen to me. You never listen to me. What's going on?

411. Nothing. - You want something from me.

412. You want me to tell you who's getting fired.

413. Come on, we just want to know what she's thinking.

414. I'm not gonna tell you anything.

415. All right, you know what? Forget about the specifics.

416. Let's pretend there's a female farmer

417. and she's got a horse, a sheep, and a pig, okay?

418. Who does she get rid of?

419. The pig.

420. Shit. Wait. Who is that?

421. Oh, come on. Work it out.

422. Why should I help you guys?

423. - Gary, the Veep needs her lunch. - I'm on it.

424. I'd rather be a pig than an ass-monkey up on his high horse.

425. There, that's three animals for you.

426. Did you just sidle?

427. I don't think I've ever seen you sidle.

428. Look, Selina wants to fire somebody.

429. Obviously, I don't want it to be me.

430. But honestly, I don't want it to be you.

431. Oh, go on. Looking forward to you selling this one to me.

432. We should form a suicide pact. All right?

433. if she tries to fire me, you walk and vice versa.

434. She's not gonna fire both of us. That would look like a crisis.

435. Therefore, she can fire neither of us.

436. One condition: I watch you die first and I get to stab you repeatedly to make sure.

437. McLintock wants in on the suicide pact.

438. - What? - Yeah. A classic move.

439. I did one of these back in the '90s when I worked for Congressman Hartigan.

440. Why would we let you in on our suicide pact?

441. Because three is better than two.

442. Not with testicles.

443. I came across a little email from you to Macauley's Chief of Staff.

444. I don't know what you're talking about.

445. You don't know about an email that basically confirms

446. you had talks with Senator Macauley?

447. What exactly did this email say?

448. Oh, just something like,

449. "The senator says, 'Thanks, buddy."'

450. Well, that's hardly incriminating.

451. There's probably more where that came from.

452. I'm getting really good at dacting.

453. Do you mean un-redacting?

454. - Taking the black off. - Yeah, yeah.

455. Hey, so goofball here can get in on the suicide pact.

456. Well, great. The more the merrier.

457. Team suicide.

458. So what happened with your Hartigan suicide pact?

459. Oh, we got fired.

460. Okay, kittens. Time to get drowned. Let's go.

461. - Ma'am. - Yeah.

462. Gary, where were you and Selina at lunchtime today?

463. - We were at my place. - That's not protocol.

464. Don't be jealous that we've taken that step, Sue.

465. I'm closer to her than you are.

466. (LAUGHS) What?

467. Gary, this is not a competition.

468. Too late. What's her shoe size?

469. - Seven. - Seven and a half.

470. Okay, who are the two cousins she never wants to see?

471. Beverly and Michael.

472. Oh, got lucky there.

473. Here's the deal, Sue. You can't win, all right?

474. Basically, I'm infallible, okay?

475. Like when you bought pregnancy tests for the Veep wearing your staff lD?

476. lnfallible like that, Gary?

477. Gary, look, a staffer at the Post told me.

478. The guy at the drugstore saw the badge and sold the story.

479. Sorry, Gary.

480. Which is why if one of us goes, we all go.

481. Huh.

482. Okay. Then you're all...

483. Which is why that was just a hypothetical.

484. That's the exact word that I'd use for this, Mike.

485. High-pathetic.

486. Dan, are you telling me that if I fired either one of these bozos,

487. - you would have resigned? - No, ma'am.

488. I was never really committed to this as an idea.

489. Right. Yeah.

490. This was a big mistake. Kind of a joke, really.

491. Thanks, guys.

492. Mike, you can't even announce a suicide pact correctly.

493. Dan folded pretty quick.

494. Yeah, come in.

495. Oh, Gary, I need Advil.

496. I've got a headache the size of Nebraska.

497. - I'm afraid I can't do that, ma'am. - What is this?

498. I have loved this job more than I've loved life itself.

499. - Uh-huh. - Well, equally, 'cause it's been my life.

500. - And my feelings for you... - Okay.

501. Gary, what is this?

502. It's my letter of resignation.

503. Okay, Gary, come on.

504. Is this because your pass was seen at the drugstore?

505. You knew?

506. Is that how the pregnancy story got out?

507. I mean, seriously. I am not gonna let go the one person in this core group

508. that actually gives a shit about me.

509. Okay, Gary, get a hold of yourself. I mean...

510. Who dumped Ted for me today?

511. Thank you, by the way, for doing that.

512. - You're welcome. - I appreciate that.

513. My God, resignation completely rejected, all right?

514. - Would you please get me some ibuprofen? - I'm your rock.

515. - Okay, but I need ibuprofen. - Okay.

516. All right, suicide pact finished, okay?

517. - You can get out. - Okay.

518. Uh, except you, Ame.

519. Ma'am?

520. - Just have a seat. - Please.

521. You have to...

522. Amy, just sit down, okay? Just sit down.

523. Um... What are we gonna do with you?

524. What does that mean?

525. I think you kind of know what it means, right?

526. How are we gonna fix this?

527. Okay, um...

528. Um, okay, okay.

529. We could do a piece

530. in a sympathetic women's magazine about the loss of the baby.

531. Buy you some time and some goodwill.

532. No, you're right. We can't do that.

533. So why don't...

534. We say some of us mishandled things

535. because you were pregnant?

536. I mean no, no. No, stupid idea.

537. Okay.

538. Or, we

539. could say

540. the pregnancy test was for me.

541. Oh, you mean that would be why you reassigned the Secret Service guy?

542. 'Cause you were feeling too much pressure.

543. Baby on board. That kind of thing?

544. Is that what you mean?

545. Well, yeah. You can mention that.

546. Okay, well, it's like the old Amy talking there.

547. I mean, I can't tell you what to do.

548. It's kind of a personal thing.

549. But it's really good to hear you're thinking.

550. I need something for my head.

551. There have been rumors flying around

552. about a pregnancy in the Vice President's office.

553. - Yeah, I had heard. - Yeah, well,

554. the baby was mine.

555. Was yours?

556. Yes, I had a miscarriage.

557. Oh, I'm so sorry.

558. I just wanted to explain the state of mind I was in

559. when I made the decision to reassign Mr. Collins.

560. - I see. - Knock-ity knock, knock, knock.

561. Mmm. - Janet, hey. I didn't know you were here.

562. Hey, Amers, going on a muffin run.

563. Can I interest you in a blueberry bran muffin?

564. - Anybody? - I couldn't. Do you?

565. - No, I'm fine. Thanks. - Okay. No problem.

566. I will stand down. Peep you later.

567. - What? - Peep you later.

568. Okay, thank you, Mike.

569. Do you think you're ready to be back at work?

570. Sure. Sure, yeah.

571. Hey. - Hi.

572. Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

573. We're getting a little lunch from the deli.

574. Wondered if you wanted anything special from the menu.

575. Thanks, buddy.

576. Dan is so good. He's come such a long way.

577. Would you like Dan to get you anything?

578. An iced tea would be great.

579. You know what? That sounds really good.

580. - Make that two. - Two iced teas.

581. Thanks. Oh, and not from here.

582. From the place that we like eight blocks away.

583. Sure, okay.

584. Is he the father?

585. Oh, no, no.

586. Father, no.

587. He can't.