Veep 1x4

1. Why on earth am I spending my lunch break at the great Governor Chung's book launch?

2. Because it's better than watching Gary drip that fucking noodle juice down his chin.

3. God, I'm gonna snort a line of tzatziki and go.

4. I am so mired in filibuster reform, I've got no conversation.

5. - Do you know Chung? - Not really.

6. - Hey! - Dan, my man.

7. Governor. Good to see you, my friend.

8. - How are you, sir? - I'm very well.

9. - And you must be Amy. - Yes.

10. So, Dan, how's it working out with the VP?

11. 'Cause if you ever wanna step several rungs down the ladder,

12. I could always use help from a fellow Daniel.

13. Dan only climbs up ladders.

14. Yes, but sometimes you have to go down to go up.

15. I assume the Vice President would be too busy.

16. Yes. She sends her apologies.

17. She's prepping for Meet the Press.

18. I'll be on Face the Nation.

19. But everyone will be watching her, so I guess I can just wing it.

20. - Shall I sign a book for her? - No... Okay.

21. I'd better be going around myself,

22. make sure everyone gets to touch the hem of my garment.

23. Dan, the man. (LAUGHS) All right.

24. "You have to go down to go up."

25. - What a jerk. - I'm gonna steal that.

26. Because he who speaks in maxims

27. can sound wise.

28. This is good. This is like cornbread.

29. - (DAN SlGHS) - Hello, children.

30. - Hello, Senator. - You looking for some fresh backs to stab?

31. Oh, Senator Doyle, it's all part of the game.

32. Yeah, well, I'll tell you, you wanna play a game, Danny?

33. Why don't you try working an iPad with your dick?

34. No, he's already got carpal tunnel in that area.

35. You have nothing constructive to say to me, Amy?

36. Is this about Clean Jobs?

37. Is that what they call it still with two oil guys on it?

38. Wow, you're gonna have to buy a lot of spray cans to paint that turd gold.

39. Everyone has limits to their power, Senator, even the Vice President.

40. Yeah, and I have the power to withdraw,

41. which is what I'm gonna do right now.

42. When he said withdraw, he's not talking about

43. withdrawing from filibuster reform, though, right?

44. - No! No! - What do you think he's talking about?

45. I assumed it was withdraw from the conversation.

46. Who uses withdraw as a fucking verb besides Catholics and butlers?

47. Maybe the lsraeli military every once in a while.

48. Yeah, you think I don't know? You're fucking with me.

49. No. Come on, let's just head back.

50. No, no. No way. I'm staying right here.

51. You gotta network to get work, baby.

52. All right? Chung for change.

53. Thank you. Thank you so much.

54. We've got Jobs.

55. - Clean Jobs. - Clean Jobs.

56. Filibuster reform.

57. - Yeah, hit that hard. - Right. You know what we need?

58. - We need some normal, regular-people stuff. - I got an idea.

59. You could talk about how you always get a sweaty upper lip underneath studio lights.

60. That shows you're normal.

61. I'm really talking about a different kind of normal, Gary.

62. - Oh, okay. - Small talk's gonna happen at the end, right?

63. - Right. - Gregory's a Redskins fan.

64. - He'll probably bring up football. - Football.

65. And I am a...

66. Ravens fan, so...

67. Madam Vice President, how are your Ravens doing this year?

68. My Ravens are gold and I'll tell you why.

69. Because we have Joe Flacco as our quarterback.

70. - Yes. Yes. - And uh...

71. Well, you know, the Redskins have a great running game this year

72. and, honestly, that receiving corps over there,

73. Anquan Boldin, not looking good for you.

74. Anquan?

75. A receiver on the Ravens.

76. Okay, well, I'm not gonna remember that.

77. - That's not good. - It doesn't matter.

78. You wanna bet a beer that the Ravens will win.

79. - Beer makes me so gassy. - You can talk about that.

80. About how it always bloats you, beer.

81. - Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

82. - That's a good one. Oh. - How was Chung?

83. Did he do this thing where you don't know if you're supposed to hug him or crucify him?

84. Which, by the way, makes me wanna crucify him.

85. - I did not stay for his speech. - Let me see this.

86. - "The Good Fight." - (MlKE SNlCKERS)

87. - I know. The title... - Please! Sue?

88. - Yep. - Handle this for me.

89. - Do you want me to shred it? - Yeah.

90. - Should I fire up the shit eater? - Yeah.

91. No, no. Wait a second. He scrawled something in the front for you.

92. "To Vice President Salina Meyer,"

93. with an "A". "From an admiring wannabe."

94. What an E-hole.

95. Changed the "A" to an "E".

96. What a bunch of Washington bullshit that is.

97. I am so tired of... Hey, Gary, l...

98. I mean, "wannabe"? He's obviously making a joke, right?

99. He doesn't really think that he's some sort of credible Vice Presidential candidate.

100. Mmm, charismatic war hero.

101. Yeah, but, I mean, the President always sticks with the incumbent Veep.

102. Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you.

103. Well, that was lovely.

104. - He's stuck with me, is that what... - I don't mean it like that.

105. I meant good stuck, like if your marriage lasts or whatever.

106. The President's not gonna ditch you.

107. Would you be quiet? What?

108. Want me to have Scott put together a file on Chung,

109. - given the noise? - No. No, no, no, no.

110. Do not let him know that you're worried. Do not make it a thing.

111. - Yeah, Amy, don't make it a thing, okay? - Okay.

112. Ame?

113. Although, if those wheels are in motion anyway,

114. then I would say go ahead and, you know,

115. put a file together, you know.

116. You know what I'm sick of? That stupid story of Chung

117. supposedly pulling some guy out of a burning tank.

118. Come on, why do guys in the army get a medal for doing their job?

119. The guy still had severe burns. if anything, Chung was too late.

120. Whoa, whoa. Your desk is in the back.

121. - This is neutral territory. - Yep. So I'm claiming it.

122. Sue, would you like to tell him about the encroachment rules?

123. Do I look like a kindergarten teacher to you, Mike?

124. - Actually, yes. - Excuse me?

125. Uh, no, you don't. Okay, go ahead.

126. - I'm gonna use your desk in the back. - As what, a pantry?

127. Oh, here we go.

128. Look who it is, everybody! It's your favorite Jonah.

129. You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

130. Don't be changing the talking points for my Meet the Press thing.

131. Okay? I am prepped.

132. I come bearing a very minor request from the President.

133. Does he want to operate me by remote control?

134. No. That's not technologically possible.

135. Um...

136. POTUS would appreciate it if you didn't go too hard on filibuster reform.

137. What are you talking about? That's my defining Vice Presidential crusade.

138. The administration is totally focused on the economy.

139. Have a great weekend, okay? - Ma'am.

140. Thank you, ma'am, you, too. - Yeah, thank you very much.

141. - Ma'am. - I need to gather my things.

142. I'll tell you something else, these need water, okay?

143. Got it. - Okay.

144. So, ma'am, POTUS would like your new chosen subject

145. to be immigration reform.

146. Americans losing jobs to illegals, et cetera.

147. I spoke in favor of immigration amnesty all during my primary campaign.

148. - Hey, how's it going? - Well, with respect, ma'am,

149. do you think anybody's gonna remember your primary campaign?

150. Ooh.

151. In spite of your preface, I did not detect a whole lot of respect in that question.

152. You know, I meant that more as a slight against

153. the power of recollection of the electorate

154. and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign.

155. Well, why didn't you say that, then?

156. Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.

157. Oh, and pump up China as a trading partner. We gotta keep nudging that one along.

158. I gotta get back to the White House.

159. God, I love saying that.

160. Well, God bless the President, you know.

161. I mean, he's really a great man, but he is busting my fucking lady balls here.

162. And pump up China?

163. Is that some sort of dig about Chung?

164. Okay, so I guess we're not going home.

165. - Yeah. Sue? We're staying. - Yep.

166. Aw.

167. Whew.

168. Did you have a good Saturday night? - It was okay.

169. My zipper on my Leviathan broke,

170. so I had to drive around trying to find a replacement.

171. - What did you do? - You know what I did?

172. I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night.

173. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

174. Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

175. Hi, guys. I'm all set. I'll be there in just a second.

176. - Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - All right.

177. I gotta go, but you know what?

178. Hang out here as long as you like and I'll call you afterwards, okay?

179. Can't I just leave now with you? No, I don't want them to see you.

180. All these extra rules, it's kind of weird.

181. I know, but I am the Vice President.

182. Oh, yes, you are.

183. Hearing you say that gives me a massive hard-on.

184. Oh, I am the Vice President.

185. Oh, baby, I'm ready to launch.

186. And I'm ready to eat you up.

187. Oh, second breakfast. I didn't know you had it in you.

188. Oh, God. Oh, I want it in me.

189. - All right. Bye.

190. Yeah. I'm gonna watch your ass move.

191. - (CHUCKLES) - Yeah.

192. Hi, you guys. - Hey.

193. - You look pretty. - Oh, thank you.

194. - How are you guys? - Great.

195. - All set? You got everything? - Oh, yes.

196. - I just have to get my stuff. - How was your Saturday night?

197. Um, it was fine.

198. - Here, I'll get that. - Thank you.

199. - Mike! - Oh, hey.

200. I was just visualizing you kicking ass on Meet the Press.

201. Why are you so tired? You don't do anything.

202. Here's the research Scott pulled on Chung.

203. Check out page one.

204. He was born back in China before his dad got his citizenship,

205. so he can't be President or Vice President.

206. Really? Well, that's good news.

207. - More good news for Meet the Press. - Oh, yeah?

208. - David Gregory is ill. - (GASPS)

209. - Sam Finnegan is the fill-in. Ho, ho, a virgin.

210. Oh, God, I'm gonna eat him up.

211. What?

212. - Well, that changes the sports stuff. - MlKE: No panic.

213. We'll just change the Redskins to whatever Finnegan's team is.

214. What is Finnegan's team?

215. I'm pretty sure he's a Bears fan. It doesn't matter.

216. - Mike, you're pretty sure? - Pretty sure?

217. Exactly. That doesn't help.

218. It doesn't matter because you're gonna talk about the Ravens.

219. I know that I'm a Ravens fan,

220. but, like, what if Finnegan is a Ravens fan, too, you know?

221. A team can't play itself, can it?

222. You can in video games.

223. Some people say your immigration policy is at odds with yourjobs program.

224. How would you respond to that?

225. Well, I would respond like this.

226. I would say that the economy has changed a great deal

227. since I made those statements

228. and the President and I agree that Americans have to come first.

229. That's my girl. Olympic-style back flip.

230. And I believe very strongly...

231. - That's sweat. That's lip sweat. - That's shimmer.

232. You haven't spoken much today about the Senate filibuster reform.

233. Well, I'll say this,

234. in order to reform, you have to perform.

235. She got filibuster in!

236. Just waiting for Jonah. Here he is.

237. Oh, yeah?

238. Hello, penis enlargement clinic.

239. Mike, who is incompetent, you or her?

240. Because she just talked about filibuster reform.

241. He asked her.

242. My message is simple, my message is this. Yes.

243. - Thank you, Madam Vice President. - Absolutely.

244. Sam, I just have to ask you, you're a Bears fan.

245. - Is that right? - Guilty.

246. - She do the sports yet? - She's doing it now.

247. We're not nervous at all. With Flacco, forget about it.

248. I'll bet you a beer that we win by a TD.

249. What about Ray Rice? Hell of a lead runner.

250. Ray Rice, Ray Rice, Ray...

251. Well, he... Ray Rice, he play nice.

252. Ooh.

253. Vice President. - Thank you so much.

254. We'll be back next week, because if it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press.

255. Will you be watching Danny Chung on Face the Nation?

256. Uh, you know, I would, but I've got a game of solitaire going on,

257. so I think I'll give that a skip.

258. Long-term beltway money's on him as Presidential material.

259. Oh, really?

260. Well, I'd be surprised because technically he's not an American.

261. I mean, because he wasn't, um, born here,

262. you know, not because he's half...

263. - 'Cause his parents... - Well, I've gotta go.

264. - Okay. - But it was a pleasure talking to you.

265. Thank you so much. Did you get it?

266. - I got it. - Oh...

267. Um...

268. Listen, they wouldn't have recorded that, right?

269. I mean, I had the mic on, but I don't think it was hot.

270. - Do you think that it was on? - I hope to God they didn't.

271. I didn't say he was bad because he's part Chinese.

272. - No, no. - It's not bad to be Chinese.

273. Can you go speak to the sound guy?

274. I can't do it because it'll make it look like a thing.

275. I don't wanna make it look like a thing,

276. - so maybe I can... - I'll do it.

277. No, no, no. Gary, Gary, Gary.

278. - Gary, come. - I'll do it.

279. I think actually he should go talk to the sound guy.

280. - Yeah. - Okay.

281. Do you have any ideas on what I should say?

282. You offered to do this. What was your plan?

283. That was my plan, was to go over there,

284. walk over there, I just need some ideas on what to say.

285. Gary, just give it a light touch.

286. - No import to it. - Okay.

287. - What does that mean? - Just talk to him

288. like working guy to working guy.

289. - It's casual. - Got it.

290. Mano a mano.

291. - Jesus Christ. - Okay.

292. Even in Spanish, you know, it doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

293. It totally might have just been me,

294. but kind of, didn't it sound a little glitchy in the end or anything like that?

295. - You saying I can't do my job? - No. Oh, God, no.

296. It's bad?

297. Well, he just went from a smiley guy to a frown-y guy.

298. I just need to know if everything's okay, you know.

299. Working guy to working guy, you know.

300. - Listen, working girl. - Okay.

301. Yeah. I didn't hear any glitches.

302. All I heard was the sound of a fuck-up, okay?

303. - Sending Gary over there was crazy. - Yeah.

304. - He was completely out of his element. - Yeah.

305. I agree. I agree.

306. Hey, we're getting some press interest in this already.

307. - Oh, God. - Where? Where?

308. It's still non-narrative. No momentum yet.

309. Ma'am, I thought you might want me in the office, given the circumstances.

310. - How do you know about the circumstances? - Well, I'm Sue.

311. It's my job to know everything, Amy.

312. So it's definitely out there, out there?

313. No, no, it's not out there, out there.

314. I heard about it, Dan, so it sort of is out there, out there,

315. that's why I'm in here, in here, Dan.

316. - Jonah's coming. Jonah's coming. - Fuck! All right, what do I do?

317. What if he doesn't know that it's not definitely out there, out there?

318. Should I tell him that?

319. You don't wanna give a loaded gun to that walking silo.

320. - Don't make it a thing until it's a thing. - Do you have any...

321. Bad news, everyone.

322. - This hasn't hit the mainstream media yet... - It was out of context.

323. but a crane has collapsed onto a ship at Portsmouth, Virginia.

324. Oh, thank... God, how horrible.

325. Wait, what was out of context?

326. Um, we thought you were gonna give me shit about filibuster reform.

327. Oh, well, the White House is very much under the moon about that,

328. but let's reboot.

329. The President is stuck in economic talks.

330. - We need a VPVP. - A what?

331. A Vice Presidential visual presence.

332. You can't just make up acronyms, Jonah.

333. - Somebody has to, Mike. - No, they don't.

334. Okay, well, then, we should head on down there.

335. Let's get the ball rolling. Let's get there as soon as possible.

336. Yeah. We've got it handled.

337. Oh, Jonah, that's a good look for you.

338. What do you call that? Bi-casual?

339. Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday.

340. I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs.

341. I say let the whale hang loose.

342. - Who am I offending? - Show of hands.

343. Right here.

344. Okay, well, I think that worked out pretty good.

345. - (ALL SlGH) - Just confirmed.

346. Two fatalities, 24 injured so far.

347. I didn't mean it like that.

348. Dan, we're going to a hospital. Do you have a suit that you can change into?

349. - I have five. - Okay.

350. Do you have something that could fit the McLintock shape?

351. That's not a Santa suit?

352. I got something.

353. We're going to a hospital. We're not going trick-or-treating.

354. Hi, Ashley. Mike McLintock, Vice President's office.

355. - Oh, hi. - Madam Vice President...

356. - Yes. - ... this is Ashley, the hospital administrator.

357. - Ashley. - Thank you so much for coming.

358. - It really means a lot. Thank you. - Well, let me tell you something,

359. being here for the American people is one of the privileges of this job.

360. - It's a sad privilege, of course. - Yes.

361. But it's a privilege nonetheless.

362. Ma'am, I don't know if all these people are bereaving,

363. - so just converse generally, okay? - Right.

364. Converse generally? What about? The weather?

365. Not about the weather.

366. - It is unseasonably warm, though, okay? - Mmm-hmm.

367. So, Madam Vice President, if you'll just come with me,

368. I'll show you to some of our families.

369. Oh, well, however I can be of service. How do you do, sir?

370. Oh, my goodness, you got so hurt.

371. - Well, it's a great hospital, isn't it? - Yes, ma'am.

372. Oh, dear, look at your neck.

373. Hi, sir. Don't turn your head.

374. I'll give you a little squeeze on your hand.

375. - Well, you seem just fine. - I'm not really.

376. - lnternal. - lnternal. Hmm.

377. This is a family. They're waiting to hear about their son.

378. Hold on. No, no, not yet. This is a private moment.

379. This is not a photo op.

380. - It's amazing how the world changes. - Mmm.

381. One minute, you're enjoying this amazing sunshine...

382. Well, it's unseasonably warm.

383. And the next, your whole world's gone to pieces.

384. - Oh, gosh. - This is his surgeon.

385. - How do you do, sir? - Dr. Greybear.

386. Any news, Doctor, about our son?

387. - Sam's going to make it. - (ALL GASP)

388. Okay, guys, I got a little sound bite for y'all to nibble on right here.

389. - Oh, that is just fantastic. - MlKE: Very good.

390. - Doctor, we appreciate your hard work. - MlKE: Good news.

391. I just wanna say how grateful we are

392. to all of our most capable doctors and nurses.

393. So grateful.

394. And I'd also like to say if, for some reason,

395. we find out that there was negligence that caused this accident,

396. those who are responsible

397. are gonna have the White House to answer to.

398. That's right.

399. Thank you for being here, Madam Vice President.

400. - You are a good woman. - Yeah!

401. And you're not afraid to say what's on your mind.

402. Danny Chung...

403. I always try to speak as honestly as I can.

404. I heard what you said about those people.

405. - You'd get my vote. - And my vote.

406. 'Cause technically he's not an American.

407. I mean...

408. They're taking over our ports. It's like they've invaded us.

409. Yeah, and now they think they can be President? No way!

410. Come on, this is the White House, not the Yellow House.

411. Come on, Selina!

412. (CHANTlNG) USA! USA! USA!

413. USA! USA! USA!

414. You have to get Chung on the phone right away, Amy.

415. - Shut this thing down, Amy. - Yeah, dialing now.

416. - Here, he's picking up. - What? l...

417. Oh, hello. Hi. Yes, I have the Vice President for you.

418. Governor? Hi. How are you?

419. I don't... I don't know if you saw the footage today

420. from Meet the Press,

421. but, you know, that is not what I meant and it certainly isn't what I think.

422. - Gary, the belt can wait. - Let's just put it this way...

423. What I was trying to say was...

424. Jesus Christ! Oh, my God!

425. God.

426. Gary, that was my fucking flesh that you just...

427. - Hello? - ... trapped in there.

428. - Voice mail. Keep trying. - I'm so sorry.

429. - All right, that's enough. - Okay.

430. All I am saying is that if Senator Doyle pulls that meeting,

431. there is not gonna be a lot of availability for a while.

432. Jennifer, quite frankly, I had more windows in my first apartment

433. than the VP currently has in her schedule.

434. - What's going on? - Well, you know what?

435. if Governor Chung doesn't call back,

436. I can just take him down for disrespecting the office.

437. - How about that? - Yes.

438. We just lost the numbers on filibuster reform.

439. - What did you just say? - Yeah, yeah.

440. Senator Doyle has just withdrawn his support.

441. Something Amy said at Chung's book launch.

442. He was still upset about Clean Jobs, which is on you, Dan,

443. because you put Sidney Purcell on the task force.

444. Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington.

445. if he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

446. Okay. Okay, stop squabbling!

447. What am I supposed to do now? Tell me that.

448. I'm supposed to call Doyle and beg him to come back?

449. I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers!

450. These people should be begging me!

451. That door should be half its height

452. so that people can only approach me in my office

453. on their goddamn motherfucking knees.

454. I can't lose Doyle. Who else has a bucketful of senators?

455. Cut Doyle loose, all right? Call his bluff.

456. We reach across the aisle to the immigration reform caucus.

457. - What? - You want to break out

458. the white, pointy hoods, too, ma'am?

459. Look, we throw them a few commitments to their cause

460. in exchange for support on filibuster reform. This is easy.

461. Once you go down that dark country road,

462. the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life.

463. Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music?

464. Look, Mike, that's what you always hear

465. because mentally you're in a fucking hammock on a back porch.

466. Dan, this isn't fantasy politics.

467. Stop it! Stop it!

468. This is a win for you on Senate reform

469. and it's also another big win for you with the President on immigration, all right?

470. Win big, win big.

471. I don't know, maybe you and Dan should go down and talk to...

472. God damn it...

473. The senator from Arizona.

474. The one who wants to random search people in ponchos?

475. - Oh, Bill. - O'Brien. Yeah.

476. Yeah. He's got a lot of sway with the pro-Caucasian caucus.

477. All right, so we get O'Brien, who brings us McCaulay and Cunliffe.

478. ls McCaulay the one with the nose hair problem

479. like he's got two raccoons in his nostrils?

480. That's seven to Doyle's five. I mean, this is a filibuster slam dunk.

481. - Chung is on TV live. - What?

482. - Get it on. Get it on. - Where's the remote?

483. It's in the bowl. The remote's in the bowl.

484. Sue, where's the clicker?

485. - Where's the clicker? - Guys, it's in the credenza.

486. Get it. Quick, quick, quick.

487. - What channel? Channel? - Any live TV.

488. Mike... No, Mike. Don't touch that remote.

489. You're gonna launch a nuke or something. Sue?

490. a few briefwords about the comments that were made earlier today.

491. Despite what is said in some dark corners of the Internet,

492. when I was born, both my parents were fully naturalized American citizens.

493. What? He's Captain fucking America?

494. - What's happening here? Good job, Amy. - It's not...

495. That is not the information I was given by Scott.

496. a quiet word with one of her staff

497. regarding the thoroughness of their research techniques.

498. What did Scott use as a research tool, the fucking Drudge Report?

499. second-generation Chinese-American...

500. That and bathroom walls.

501. proud enough to risk my life for this country.

502. I've got a Purple Heart on my chest,

503. but the one that beats inside of me is red, white, and blue.

504. No, he didn't. He didn't say that.

505. He is seizing his moment.

506. and that's why this is the greatest country on Earth.

507. I am gonna throw up a leg.

508. And then I'm gonna take that leg and I'm gonna beat Scott to death with it.

509. - Scott! - Ah!

510. I'm gonna go draft a letter of apology to the king of Minnesota, Governor Chung.

511. Here's what we're gonna do.

512. Mike, big fat apology to Chung, Amy, fuck Doyle.

513. I want this bill.

514. You guys talk to O'Brien and get that border caucus.

515. Amy, put on your dancing shoes and head for the border right now.

516. - Go on. - No, I'm not doing it.

517. Get a move on.

518. This is them.

519. Here we go.

520. Hi, Senator O'Brien. I'm Dan Egan.

521. We spoke on the phone. A pleasure to meet you, sir.

522. Well, I have no idea who you are, so I don't know whether it's a pleasure or not.

523. - Okay. - This is Jack.

524. - Hi, Jack. - Hi.

525. Amy Brookheimer, Vice President's Chief of Staff.

526. Chief?

527. Shouldn't that be chiefess?

528. - Relax, missy. I'm just yanking your chain. - Absolutely.

529. - This place looks nice, huh? - Looks like they do a mighty fine plate of ribs,

530. but before we do any ordering,

531. I'd like to know if you're going to offend us with some chicken-shit deal

532. that means we have to leave before the food comes.

533. You're fine to order.

534. I feel so horrible.

535. You know, it's like I've ordered a hit on somebody.

536. I'm just waiting for the call to say that it's done.

537. It's done.

538. Do you want a glass of wine? You want some water?

539. - You want some hand sanitizer? - I want quiet.

540. Quiet.

541. So long, Scott. You are professionally dead. Have a nice evening.

542. Up here on the eastern seaboard,

543. it's easy to forget what a big slice of our country

544. rubs shoulders with a failed state by the name of Mexico.

545. Now, if you had bad neighbors who came into your yard every night

546. to crap a butt-full of drugs and beans on your flowers,

547. you might think about building a fence.

548. You're not gonna get a border fence, all right?

549. You're talking about a 3,000-mile-long fence.

550. Great for the construction industry.

551. Yeah, but ironically, the only affordable option

552. would be immigrant labor.

553. Well, my constituents are fed up

554. with feeling outnumbered in their own country.

555. Fellas, we shouldn't have a problem

556. working to preserve a certain kind ofAmerican identity.

557. Yes.

558. Now you keep talking like that, sweetheart,

559. and we'll be having cigars at the end of this dinner.

560. Just not Cuban ones.

561. Hey.

562. Oh, my God,

563. - I am having the shittiest day. - Yeah?

564. You got anything to make me feel better?

565. I do indeed.

566. - What is it? - Well...

567. It's about seven inches, hangs between my legs...

568. The thing.

569. I like to call him Sergeant Ted.

570. Okay, well, you tell Sergeant Ted

571. I would like him very much

572. to drill me in my Oval Office.

573. In fact, I need him to put the finger on the button

574. and come into my Rose Garden.

575. The sergeant is standing at attention.

576. You know what, I'm coming over there, like, right away.

577. Uh, you know, when you come over,

578. can you try and sneak in incognito?

579. I got Korean neighbors and I don't think they'd like the idea of me dating you.

580. Is that some kind of a joke or something?

581. It's not funny at all. Fuck off, Ted.

582. I mean, I don't know why you would say...

583. - You were on the phone? - Mmm-hmm.

584. - Oh, I didn't hear anything. - You better not have heard anything.

585. I didn't say anything.

586. Oh, my God.

587. Oh, for fuck sakes. Hey, Jonah.

588. What happened to your hot pants?

589. Oh, the hot pants picked up some negative traction.

590. I realize now they're unbecoming of my office.

591. I'm just coming in to see if the misunderstanding

592. with Governor Chung has been resolved.

593. - Yeah. It's all fine and dandy and fabulous. - Excellent.

594. Well, then, I'm gonna go enjoy what's left of my Sunday.

595. I got the latest Grisham on the go and it's just awesome.

596. You should read...

597. As well as the funding request,

598. we can offer a commitment that the Vice President will oppose immunity

599. for any illegal immigrants who have been here for more than five years.

600. Well, now you're singing a tune that we may dance to.

601. - Well, we just... - And she will lobby the President

602. and express public support for your position.

603. All right, I'm going home.

604. I'm getting fucked every which way.

605. - Sue, did the President call? - No.

606. if you can deliver that, I will appear to love filibuster reform

607. as much as I appear to love my idiot son.

608. And for my wife's sake,

609. I appear to love that wretched shitnit a lot.

610. Good night. Let's go, Jack.

611. Good to see you guys could learn a new word today, compromise.

612. What do you say? Meet me halfway?

613. Whew!

614. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight.

615. That was fucking dark.

616. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.

617. Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

618. Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

619. I am taking the credit for this.

620. I tunnelled through the shit, I get the dirty glory.

621. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

622. Where is the Vice President?

623. - She has gone home for the evening. - Why?

624. Something about "getting fucked every which way."

625. Direct quote.

626. Oh, God, yeah. I heard something on the phone.

627. Oh, God. Oh, God.

628. How many times can she be underneath that?

629. She's got such a little body and he seemed like a big man.

630. Who? Who's he?

631. Hey, hey, somebody talk about something else? Anything.

632. Yeah, I gotta get these images out of my head.

633. Can we talk about, I don't know, our favorite band or something, please?

634. Yes. Who else are you into, Mike, apart from the Eagles?

635. Grateful Dead.

636. That's the name of your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

637. Can't wait to get home and burn my clothes.

638. Don't fuck up that suit, Mike.

639. - All right, good night, Sue. - Good night, Gary.

640. Good night, Dan.

641. Jesus Christ.

642. Dan, you have about 10 seconds to stop distracting me,

643. or the next thing that they'll find at the back of that couch

644. are your remains.

645. if you like, I can go sit in the Vice President's office.

646. Excuse me?