Universal Basic Guys 1x9

Directed by Rania Tabet

Chris Garcia as (voice) • Ally Maki as Andrea (voice) • Brandon Wardell as (voice) • Kimberly Brooks as (voice) • Eddie Pepitone as (voice)

Mark, trying to prove to Tammy that he can get babies to like him, writes a hit song that becomes the next Baby Shark. He enlists his family and neighbors to join his management team, putting these relationships to the test during his meteoric rise and humiliating fall. Meanwhile, David tries to capitalize in Mark's wake by resuscitating his old and out of touch climate change educational magic act.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Yooooo Jinglebells!

2. Hey guys. What's up?

3. Ah you know, just saw you

4. reading a book over here

5. looking all weird and sad so,

6. wanted to pop over and say hello.

7. Thanks, I'm good.

8. What book you reading?

9. Uh, The Creative Work by Rick Rosen.

10. Oh yeah, that's the big time rap producer dude?

11. Bet he's got some crazy ass stories.

12. Mm, it's more of a treatise on creativity.

13. I'm trying to hone in on my next project.

14. You should write a movie about Spiderman.

15. People love those.

16. I'm actually thinking about creating

17. something a little more impactful.

18. Ssssh! Sssssh!

19. Sorry.

20. Oh, it's totally fine.

21. Hey, do you feel mad? Do you feel angry right now?

22. She's overtired.

23. When she gets like this it's impossible to calm her.

24. Hey look! Who likes cupcakes?

25. I'm a man holding cupcakes! I'm a cupcake man!

26. I'm a Cupcake Man.

27. Look at me baby, I'm a Cupcake Man!

28. Wow. You might actually have something there.

29. I'll have to remember that one.

30. Sir. Those cupcakes are $9 each.

31. Oh come on, it's for the baby!

32. You see this crap, Hank? Eight billion views.

33. I don't get it, okay.

34. My "Mr. Cupcake Man" song that I was singing for that baby

35. that'd blow this crap out of the water.

36. Yeah, that baby sure was laughing.

37. Exactly.

38. We post that song online,

39. we could make a billion babies laugh.

40. Hold on. Stop.

41. Cut.

42. Yo Hank, what are you doing?

43. I'm singing "Mr. Hot Dog Man."

44. No, no Hank. You're not a hot dog.

45. You're a sprinkle. You're Sprinkle Boy.

46. Got it. Got it.

47. So do I sing a song about sprinkles then?

48. Maybe something like "Sprinkle Boy.

49. I'm a Sprinkle Boy. Sprinkle—

50. No no no. You don't sing, okay.

51. You are the silent slapstick guy.

52. You do the goofy stuff in the background okay,

53. like hit yourself in the face with a pie

54. or a tennis racket... you know, stuff like that.

55. Ooh, awesome.

56. Ok let's run it back.

57. Hit it, Dar.

58. What in the hell?

59. Andrea, you gotta see this.

60. I think the Hoagies just discovered peyote.

61. Ugh! Oh my God! Oh my God!

62. Everything okay over there?

63. No, look.

64. That's our product.

65. I've got to do brand recovery on drones

66. that are shooting at the people they're supposed to protect.

67. I am so over this.

68. Hm. Well, Andrea... you've always said

69. you wanted to go off on your own.

70. Maybe now's the time?

71. Yeah that'd be real nice, David,

72. but you know, someone needs to pay for your

73. "Teas of the World" subscription boxes.

74. I'm happy to take more copywriting gigs.

75. Yeah. Unless you're planning on practicing law again,

76. I'm gonna have to keep spinning for our tech overlords.

77. Well, whatever you decide, you have my full support.

78. Great, thanks, honey.

79. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go falsely accuse

80. UNICEF of working with ISIS.

81. No! No! No more! No more!

82. I know sweetie,

83. but we just need to check your levels

84. so the doctor can see what's going on.

85. Excuse me for one second.

86. What the hell is this?

87. More. More.

88. More Mr. Cupcake.

89. More Cupcake Man.

90. Hey Mark.

91. Hi.

92. What happened to Mr. Cupcake Man?

93. Cupcake Man is dead, Tam.

94. What are you talking about?

95. It got thirty views in three hours.

96. Mr. Beast gets like a million views a minute.

97. Oh, don't give up so quickly, Mark.

98. I think you really got something here.

99. Nope. Forty views. I'm deleting it.

100. Uh uh, no.

101. Mark! Just let it be.

102. Eh whatever. I don't need to be famous.

103. Fame is stupid anyway.

104. Hey, if you make a couple of kids happy,

105. that's all that matters.

106. In fact, the children at the hospital

107. would love to see Mr. Cupcake Man.

108. Yeah, you know what, you're right, Tam.

109. That's what it's really about.

110. Putting smiles on kids' faces.

111. Wait a minute.

112. Do you hear that?

113. Oh my god. Mark. Look!

114. Wait, is that...?

115. Wait are you fricken kidding me?

116. Does that say five hundred thousand!

117. Holy mackerel! I'm famous.

118. I'm famous. Oh my god.

119. Uh... I'll be right back!

120. Wow, my god, it's the Cupcake Man!

121. Really?

122. Tammy, just... please, this is important to me.

123. Watch this.

124. Um excuse me?

125. Are you Mr. Cupcake Man?

126. Uh... yeah. I am.

127. Can I get a selfie with you?

128. Yo, can't you see I'm having breakfast

129. with my wife? Come on.

130. Mark!

131. Ugh. Okay. Fine. One picture. Come on.

132. Oh man, I always wanted to do that.

133. Yo, being famous is awesome Tam.

134. I'm never taking this thing off.

135. Look at this.

136. Is that not the dumbest thing

137. you've ever seen?

138. Wait, two million views!

139. In a day!

140. Mark may have just fallen ass- backwards into a goldmine.

141. And he's gonna need a PR person...

142. Woah, woah, woah. Woah.

143. You're not seriously considering this, are you?

144. Wow, David. Thanks for your "full support."

145. I mean this could be my ticket to career independence.

146. Andrea, the guy tried to catch

147. a whale off a restaurant boat.

148. Hey Jason. It's Andrea.

149. Derek can handle the release.

150. Because I quit baby!

151. Haha, byeee!

152. Dar give me the numbers.

153. Woah. You're currently number four on trending.

154. Let's goooo! Yooo!

155. There she is!

156. The newest member of Team Cupcake!

157. Hooray!

158. Thanks for having me.

159. I really think we could be sitting

160. on a multimillion dollar brand here.

161. I'm talking merch, cartoons, live shows...

162. Ooh which reminds me... do you have a manager?

163. You're looking at him.

164. Uh huh...

165. is this something you have experience with?

166. Oh yeah. Big time okay.

167. Cut my teeth with Lou Perlman back in the 90s.

168. In fact, I can still forge Justin Timberlake's signature.

169. Yo! Check this comment out:

170. "This video makes me so happy.

171. Me and my kids have been singing this all day."

172. I'd be careful, Mark.

173. First rule of internet fame is "never read the comments."

174. What are you talking about guys? I read 100% of the comments.

175. These are my people.

176. They love it. Look, this one guy writes

177. "It's awesome."

178. And then you got this guy, he writes

179. "This is the dumbest, most annoying song I've ever heard.

180. I hope this one hit wonder gets hit by a truck."

181. I wouldn't worry about it Mark. It's just one knucklehead troll

182. in his mother's basement okay.

183. Yeah... no big deal. Just one guy.

184. Oh wow. Your dumb song is now

185. number three trending overall.

186. It just passed Machine Gun Kelly's new video.

187. Mark, did you hear that? That's amazing.

188. What? Yeah. Yeah

189. I'm just...

190. I think I'm just gonna...

191. I'm gonna get out of the sun for a little bit. You know.

192. Hon, are you okay?

193. Probably just a troll, you know. Probably just some loser bot

194. living in his basement in Brayshaw or something.

195. Yes. Hell yes.

196. Guess who just booked Mr. Cupcake Man on The View?

197. Is this really any better than defending drones?

198. Is that a serious question?

199. Yeah, I mean

200. you're amplifying mindless nonsense.

201. You could at least promote something with some

202. educational value.

203. Yeah sorry David,

204. I can't get into this right now.

205. I have to go to work.

206. What do we think?

207. Pretty good, yeah.

208. Nah, you think everything's good, okay.

209. What do you think, Mernft?

210. Is it legit or is it annoying?

211. Who the hell cares, okay?

212. All these kids' songs are annoying.

213. Just post it.

214. Absolutely not. I'm not posting anything

215. unless it's a certified banger.

216. Hun, I think you're obsessing a little too much

217. on one commenter.

218. I'm sure most people are gonna love it.

219. Most people?

220. No no no. Okay.

221. No offense but you are all useless, okay?

222. I need real feedback from people in my demo, okay?

223. Okay what, so you want to focus group babies or something?

224. Yes. Exactly.

225. I need babies. Bring me babies!

226. Hank. Pie.

227. Dammit!

228. Okay Mark-

229. Mr. Cupcake Man, please.

230. Right.

231. Mr. Cupcake Man,

232. we need to go over your schedule.

233. I'm in the middle of something important here.

234. Ok, well we need to start press training.

235. I've got you booked on three live national spots this week.

236. Mernft Man, what's on the docket as far as gigs?

237. Uh. Let's see,

238. so I reached out to an old colleague

239. about a possible birthday party opportunity.

240. Birthday party?

241. No. We need to think bigger.

242. Mr. Cupcake Man is the top kids song

243. in the world right now.

244. I'm telling you Andrea, private shows for rich people,

245. I mean that's easy money right there.

246. Doesn't matter. I'm not doing any of it.

247. What do you mean?

248. Yeah, what about the hospital show?

249. All the kids are so excited to see you.

250. Sorry gotta push it, Tam okay. I need my schedule cleared.

251. I'm workshopping new material.

252. Okay Mark, er— Mr. Cupcake Man,

253. I understand the urge to expand your catalog,

254. but right now we need to strike while the iron's hot.

255. Things happen fast on the internet

256. and I need-

257. “We ” need to ride this wave.

258. Forget riding a wave. I am a fricken ocean of ideas.

259. Darren, hit it!

260. Damnit.

261. Are these babies teething or something!

262. Maybe the babies aren't the problem.

263. Hmmmm.

264. Right— yep, garage.

265. What is all this?

266. Okay, everyone!

267. Over here. Let's go. Team meeting.

268. So we've all heard the rumblings okay.

269. "Does this guy have the chops?"

270. Is he a "one-hit-wonder?"

271. Well, after a long look in the mirror,

272. I've come to the conclusion

273. that the real problem is...

274. my beats are being produced by a fourteen year old boy.

275. Darren, sorry buddy but you're out.

276. Alright. See ya.

277. Looks like my new producer slash creative muse has arrived.

278. Alright, try this—

279. Oh my god. No!

280. Okay.

281. What about this—

282. Yo, this is some real C-level crap,

283. Rosen, okay.

284. You holding your good stuff for Drake?

285. Okay. Maybe just tell me

286. what you want.

287. Ugh fine.

288. Let me get an 808 trap

289. but swap the snare for fart sounds.

290. Okay, can you drop the bass a little bit.

291. Okay I need a new fart sound. These are too dry.

292. We've been through all four hundred.

293. Ugh! None of this is working.

294. This is all annoying crap.

295. Maybe we should discuss

296. what you're trying to achieve here,

297. creatively.

298. Okay listen Rap Santa, it's pretty simple.

299. I want something that's gonna get a billion views

300. and no mean comments, okay?

301. Um... I'm not sure that's a healthy approach.

302. Real artists don't worry about making everyone happy.

303. They simply tap into their own emotional truths,

304. and trust that their audience will respond.

305. What!

306. Mark, it's late. Maybe get some sleep?

307. I can't okay! I'm making music!

308. I'm trying to tap into emotional truths!

309. This is really getting ridiculous, hun.

310. You're losing your mind

311. over one stupid internet comment.

312. You need some perspective.

313. Maybe performing for those kids at the hospital

314. will remind you of what's really important here.

315. No.

316. What do you mean, no?

317. I'm not fricken Patch Adams!

318. I'm a serious “Artist ”!

319. Well, I'm your wife.

320. No.

321. You're “Mark's ” wife.

322. Mr. Cupcake Man doesn't have a wife.

323. He's asexual.

324. What are you talking about?

325. Babies, they don't have “Wives ”!

326. I am trying to build

327. an authentic emotional connection

328. with my audience!

329. “My Audience Is Babies ”!

330. Yeah, well you're doing a damn good job.

331. You sound just like a baby having all these tantrums!

332. Hm...

333. sound like a baby having all these tantrums.

334. Tantrums... tantrums.

335. Yo Rick. Give me another beat.

336. I'm all out of happy kid's beats Mark.

337. No. Something darker.

338. How's it going in there?

339. We're burning time and money out here.

340. Well worth it, Andrea.

341. I've completely evolved as an artist.

342. Okay, well my professional reputation

343. is about to go extinct

344. so hopefully you've evolved into an artist

345. willing to perform this Saturday.

346. Big time.

347. Okay great. And just remember,

348. happy babies mean happy parents

349. and happy parents buy a lot of merch.

350. Oh don't you worry,

351. they'll definitely be feeling this.

352. Hey, Mr. Cupcake Man too busy

353. to take out the trash these days?

354. Oh don't get me started.

355. Apparently, he's also too big to perform

356. at the hospital this weekend.

357. Oh well, if you need someone to fill in,

358. I actually have a little magic show idea

359. I've been kicking around...

360. Really? Well that'd be great.

361. Magic's always a big hit with the kids.

362. Oh yeah.

363. And you know, unlike a certain...

364. pastry-headed person,

365. my routine isn't just fun, it's also substantive.

366. Both delicious and nutritious...

367. Oh yeah... cool.

368. Oh my god.

369. Thank you Philadelphia.

370. Thank you!

371. Get home safe.

372. Boom. Nailed it.

373. Well, that was a complete disaster.

374. Every baby was crying.

375. They were responding. Tantrum is all about being sad.

376. It's a whitespace in baby entertainment.

377. I am changing the face of children's music.

378. You pooped out a cupcake on stage.

379. No, that was the “Birth ” of a cupcake,

380. Andrea. They're babies.

381. Do you understand that we're almost

382. a million dollars in debt from studio

383. and touring expenses?

384. Sponsors aren't returning my calls.

385. So from now on,

386. you are only playing "Mr. Cupcake Man."

387. Nope. Can't do it. Not going backwards.

388. Tantrum tour rolls on.

389. The Tantrum tour is over

390. until we can afford to pay for it,

391. so unless you know someone who's willing to pay

392. a million dollars to watch you sing...

393. I got nothin'.

394. Well,

395. there is this one guy...

396. Guy sent his private jet to pick us up?

397. Wow, Mernft Man

398. you may have just earned your 10%.

399. Actually it's 40.

400. Woah.

401. What exactly does this guy do?

402. Ah, he's a businessman.

403. He deals in, uh,

404. pharmaceuticals.

405. Oh cool, it's one of those guns shaped like a "T".

406. Uh... what kind of pharmaceuticals?

407. Oh you know... it's caffeine adjacent.

408. Ah, the famous Mr. Cupcake Man. Bienvenido a Bolivia.

409. I am Roberto Caramelo de Nariz

410. and this is my son, Jesús.

411. He is your biggest fan.

412. I like to listen to your song

413. while I light mis gatigos en fuego.

414. Oh yeah? Very cool, very cool.

415. Wait I thought this was a birthday party?

416. Where's all the kids?

417. They played with my toys, so I kill them.

418. Oh wow. Your culture is very different.

419. I'm sure Mr. Myfrinski made the terms very clear.

420. One song, one million dollars.

421. You got it. I'm thinking

422. I'm gonna do Red Velvet Revolver off the new album.

423. No. You do "Mr. Cupcake Man."

424. So here's the thing man,

425. - I'm not doing that- - Ope! No problem!

426. "Mr. Cupcake Man" it is.

427. Okay Mark, you're good?

428. You understand the assignment here?

429. Oh yeah.

430. Jesús is a very angry little boy.

431. He needs to have his feelings validated.

432. Okay, enough. This is insanity.

433. I need the room.

434. Look, I didn't want it to come to this,

435. But, here.

436. Someone posted a video of your Tantrum show.

437. Read the comments.

438. Let's see here okay.

439. "Huge L"

440. "Stick to your one hit, weirdo."

441. "I miss the old Mr. Cupcake Man. This sucks."

442. Look,

443. I understand you think you're an artist,

444. but you need to let that go.

445. You're a guy who puts cupcakes on his head

446. and sings to babies.

447. Hey Andrea. Can you just do me a quick favor?

448. Yeah?

449. Can you ask the guy with the gun

450. to come over here and blow my head off?

451. Mark, come on, stop.

452. You just need to sing one stupid song

453. for a million dollars.

454. Here.

455. No.

456. I am never singing again.

457. I am done.

458. Okay, listen, Mark.

459. You tried something new and it failed.

460. That's part of the creative process.

461. But you have something really special here.

462. Remember why you created Mr. Cupcake Man

463. in the first place.

464. To get a billion views.

465. No. Before that.

466. To make a baby smile.

467. Exactly. So forget the fame, the money,

468. forget even making art.

469. Just go sing that song for your biggest fan,

470. the kid out there dying to see you.

471. Fine. One last show.

472. Thank you. You're on in five.

473. We're good.

474. Hey kids, look!

475. This is the coastline of Florida!

476. Okay, so let's drop it into our magical "future hat."

477. And now it's the year 2065 and...

478. Look at this.

479. The coastline is gone!

480. Because the greenhouse gasses melted the ice caps.

481. Can I go back to my room and get bloodwork?

482. So the takeaway here is that there's no

483. magic solution that can protect our planet.

484. - Psst. - Yeah?

485. David. C'mere.

486. I think they're really digging it.

487. Maybe lean away from the long term global concerns.

488. These kids are terminally ill.

489. They're not worried about the coast of Florida

490. forty years from now.

491. What?

492. Well I wish you would've mentioned

493. that earlier, Tammy! I didn't know they were dying!

494. David, nobody does hospital performances

495. for kids who are thriving.

496. Uh. Was that Harry Styles?

497. Yes.

498. He refused to play One Direction,

499. so we went... in another direction.

500. Hahaha.

501. ¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake!

502. ¡Yo quiero Mr. Cupcake! Mr. Cupcake!

503. Mark?

504. It's time to go on stage.

505. Mark?

506. “Dear Andrea,

507. thank you for reminding me what's really important.

508. I realize now

509. it's not about me.

510. It's about doing what's right ”

511. We're gonna die.

512. So uh... the, you know,

513. the thing about climate change is that

514. it's not just about us.

515. I mean I'm not gonna be here in fifty years either-

516. I mean not like that, I mean it's just—

517. What's up my littles!

518. Oh thank god, Mark. I was dying up here.

519. I mean, not literally.

520. I don't mean like you-I mean...

521. Mr. Cupcake Man, everyone!

522. Yeah!

523. Alright! Okay,

524. before we get started I just want to give a little shout

525. out to Nurse Tammy over there. She's the best guys.

526. You're very lucky to have her.

527. Remember kids, what matters is being there

528. for the people who need you.

529. Ugh! Where the “Hell ” is Mark!

530. Okay um... Hank, you know the lyrics, right?

531. Uh... I think so.

532. Oh my god he's dead. Hank is a dead man.

533. I don't know. The kid seems to like it.

534. I think he's got at least a few minutes left.

535. Ok now I'm bored.

536. Ooh yummy.

537. I don't know, boss.

538. This guy is pretty funny.

539. Ay, Dios mio,

540. what does it take to get a security guard

541. who just takes orders and doesn't have "opinions?"

542. Oh my god. That's it!

543. Hey Jason -

544. Don't have time to talk but I will take my old job back

545. and I'll handle the Syria stuff. I don't even want a promotion.

546. I just need one favor.

547. This guy is actually pretty talented!

548. Slapstick is one of the hardest forms of comedy.

549. Ugh! Enough.

550. Give me that.

551. Wait!

552. Wow! Incredible!

553. Okay...

554. What if I could offer you something

555. way better than a stupid Mr. Cupcake Man performance?

556. Mr. Silly Billy?

557. Even better.

558. How about a fleet of private security drones huh?

559. Flying robot henchmen who do exactly

560. what they're told...

561. In other news, Humantis has recalled

562. thousands of private security drones

563. after another deadly malfunction

564. caused them to open fire at the estate of Bolivian Drug Lord

565. Roberto Caramelo De Nariz.

566. I don't know how you're gonna spin this one.

567. Hey, if I can work for Mark Hoagies,

568. this is nothing.

569. Hey Jason.

570. No problemo. I'm already on it.

571. Mark, I gotta say, the kids at the hospital

572. are still talking about your performance.

573. Yeah that was a pretty good show eh?

574. You know if you ever want to come back,

575. you're always welcome.

576. Eh I don't know, Tam.

577. I think Mr. Cupcake Man is retired.

578. Aw really? After all that

579. you're just gonna hang up the frosting hat?

580. You know, there comes a time in every artist's life

581. when they realize it's time to get out of the spotlight.

582. Oh yeah?

583. You're already over being famous?

584. Actually, Tam

585. I thought it might be a good idea

586. if Mr. Cupcake Man keeps a low profile for a while.

587. Let's just say he's the number one hit in Bolivia.

588. Hey don't we gotta still pay back the guy

589. with the big beard?

590. Nah I took care of it.

591. How'd you get the money for that, Mernft?

592. Let's just say I took a few party favors

593. back from the birthday party.