Universal Basic Guys 1x7

1. Man, sure is nice up here.

2. Let me tell you my man, any day

3. at thirty thousand feet is a good one.

4. Looks like we're getting some light chop.

5. Descending to twenty-eight to get out of it.

6. You know what Hank?

7. Why don't we just take this puppy in for a landing?

8. Aye aye, Captain.

9. But first,

10. we're doing a barrel roll.

11. You sure, Mark?

12. You're damn right I'm sure.

13. It's my signature move, okay?

14. Every great pilot has a signature move.

15. Sully Sullenberger,

16. he's a river lander.

17. Maverick, he buzzes towers.

18. And Mark Hoagies,

19. he does a barrel roll.

20. Here we go baby!

21. Doing a barrel roll,

22. let's gooooo!

23. Beautiful Mark.

24. Hell Yeah!

25. Great balls of fire baby!

26. Damnit, Mark—

27. I've been looking all over for you!

28. Tam, not now. Not now!

29. Oh crap. Oh crap,

30. no no no no no no no no no.

31. You almost had it that time.

32. Dammit, Tam— ugh I was in the zone.

33. What the hell are you doing, Mark?

34. We gotta be out the door in thirty minutes

35. and you're playing fricken' video games! Come on.

36. This is not a video game, Tam,

37. this is a flight simulator.

38. Okay, this is a serious training tool.

39. Okay well it looks to me like a guy

40. messing around instead of packing.

41. I don't even understand why we gotta go to this

42. stupid funeral in the first place, okay?

43. You barely know the guy.

44. Yeah Mark, that's because he's your uncle.

45. Can't miss your uncle's funeral, Mark.

46. You know he's your uncle too, Hank.

47. Oh no,

48. I better go pack.

49. Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory.

50. Until them robots came along.

51. And now there is no job for me

52. But I get 3,000 bucks a month

53. Thanks to UBI

54. Now we're Universal Basic Guys.

55. It may not sound like much.

56. But we're still gonna try

57. We're just Universal Basic Guys

58. Miss, you have to take your shoes off.

59. Oh come on. They're flip-flops.

60. You can see my feet.

61. Geez, lady just take your fricken shoes off.

62. Okay, Passenger 57, will you relax?

63. Okay, we're not even on the plane yet

64. and you're about to make a scene.

65. I just don't understand why people

66. gotta be so rude at the airport.

67. Well with all due respect Tam,

68. you're the one who was on the No Fly List.

69. Yeah because I actually stand up to these jerks.

70. Sorry I have a strong sense of airport justice.

71. You broke someone's arm, Tam.

72. I didn't break his arm. I broke his pinky.

73. And the middle seat gets the armrest.

74. Everybody knows that!

75. Sigh... Alright alright.

76. I promise you I'm not gonna make a scene today.

77. Oh crap! We gotta go.

78. The flight's boarding.

79. Where's Hank?

80. Heyo Hank, what's the hold up?

81. I don't know.

82. Okay. Well we'll see you at the gate.

83. Uh... hey boss?

84. You might want to take a look at this.

85. Oh look at this.

86. It is so great to get out of Westchester for the weekend

87. and show the kids a normal town with, like,

88. chain restaurants and stuff.

89. This area actually has a ton of great spots.

90. You know I specifically chose this place

91. for their table-side guacamole presentation.

92. Thought the kids would get a kick out of it.

93. Hey Aiden and Ava, look—

94. he's making our guacamole

95. according to the ancient Mexican customs of the Nahuatl people.

96. Isn't that right?

97. I don't know.

98. Sure.

99. Ugh, your sister's raising some real screenagers over there.

100. What's that David?

101. Oh I was just saying that...

102. maybe Aiden and Ava could put their phones down for a bit.

103. You know? Experience Glantontown?

104. Oh really?

105. You know, I can't wait for you to have kids some day.

106. You and me both...

107. Okay, David.

108. Here's an idea:

109. how about you take your niece and nephew out for a day

110. with no screens and we'll see how you do.

111. Then we can talk about having kids.

112. I love that idea.

113. Okay. Yeah. That sounds great.

114. And if they have a good time,

115. which they will,

116. maybe you'll consider...

117. “pulling the goalie? ”

118. The what?

119. The, uh...

120. IUD?

121. Yeah sure.

122. As long as you stop calling that stuff

123. “Gwah-Kah-Moh-Lay. ”

124. Hey what do you think, guys?

125. Excited for your big day with Uncle David?

126. No.

127. Come on.

128. Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentleman.

129. We can't taxi until everyone is seated

130. with their seatbelts fastened-Ma'am,

131. can I check that for you?

132. How about you check your attitude?

133. Mark, you see this woman?

134. First with the flip-flops and now this.

135. Unbelievable.

136. Tam, remember what Dr. Lorefice said:

137. when you feel the rage,

138. you take a deep breath and you distract yourself, okay?

139. Ooooh look there,

140. they got the new Magic Mike, your favorite.

141. Oh I do love my Channing Taters.

142. Are you kiddin' me?

143. What?

144. You can't bring peanuts

145. on a flight no more!

146. Oh come on. They had peanuts on flights for like 200 years

147. and nobody got sick

148. and now all of a sudden every kid's allergic to them?

149. Ridiculous.

150. They are “the ” snack of the sky!

151. Sigh!

152. You want me to teach animals how to strip?

153. They're already naked, Mike.

154. You just have to teach them how to dance.

155. Sir, I have to ask you a couple of questions.

156. Did you pack this bag yourself?

157. Yeah.

158. Did you at any time leave your bag unattended?

159. Uh... no.

160. And did you accept anything from another passenger?

161. Uh...

162. no.

163. Alright, buddy, then tell me

164. what's goin' on here.

165. What are you doing with 100 pounds of hotdogs?

166. You smuggling this meat?

167. No, I just like hot dogs.

168. Yeah, you and me both buddy,

169. but I never thought to pack 800 of them in a suitcase.

170. I don't know what the hell you're up to,

171. but whatever it is,

172. it ain't kosher.

173. No, they actually are kosher.

174. Oh we got a comedian over here!

175. Well it's not illegal to bring meat on a plane.

176. I mean maybe he's just a nut job.

177. You know who else was crazy?

178. Ted Kaczynski.

179. So this guy's what,

180. the “Hot Dog Bomber? ”

181. Hot dogs are packed with nitrates.

182. You know what else was packed with nitrates?

183. The Port of Beirut right before it exploded.

184. Get me Quantico.

185. Top shelf flight so far, Captain.

186. Well thank you.

187. Appreciate that.

188. Yeah, real smooth take off.

189. Nice rotation. Excellent job.

190. Well thanks.

191. You a pilot yourself?

192. I dabble.

193. Oh yeah?

194. What do you fly?

195. Oh man, pfft.

196. I mean I've flown commercial,

197. C-130s, F-14s,

198. DHC-4 Caribous... I mean if it's in the sky,

199. I've flown it. You know what I mean?

200. Well, I'll be damned!

201. That is some serious equipment.

202. You wanna pop into the cockpit,

203. talk a little shop?

204. Oh hell yeah, I— that'd be great.

205. Yeah, we're not supposed to do this but,

206. ah what the heck.

207. 9/11 was a long time ago, you know?

208. Oh, now you take them off.

209. Um... Ma'am?

210. Would you mind just, like,

211. using headphones or turning the sound off?

212. It's a free country.

213. “Candy Smash ”.

214. Dear God...

215. please give me the strength not to beat

216. the living daylights out of this woman.

217. Yeah just last week I was flying a modified.

218. XF-85 Goblin over the Sahara.

219. Got that puppy to sonic boom.

220. Let me tell you, the Camels, they were friggin

221. crappin' themselves.

222. This guy knows what I'm talking about!

223. Oh my god.

224. And you think that's something,

225. I once took a Warthog over the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

226. I was like... deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh.

227. Oh yeah?

228. I flew A-10s in Desert Storm.

229. I didn't realize they were used in.

230. Aren't you a little young for Vietnam?

231. Oh yeah, but I love history.

232. Let me tell you, I was doing a World War Two

233. bombing mission and I was supposed to take out

234. some oil refinery,

235. but get this okay—

236. I took the B-2 over Berlin

237. and dropped the full payload on the f ürherbunker man.

238. Wiped Germany off the friggin map.

239. Oh yeah?

240. You flew a stealth bomber in World War Two?

241. Yeah looks like you got a nasty cumulonimbus over there.

242. You might wanna yaw to the left a bit.

243. Captain, you gonna yaw, or...

244. Oh crap, yo this guy's havin' a heart attack.

245. Wait, are you eating peanuts?

246. Oh you know it!

247. Snack of the skies, baby! Right?

248. He's allergic to peanuts!

249. Get the EpiPen outta the first aid kit!

250. Got it!

251. Here you go dude.

252. Not me, you idiot!

253. Oh. Uh... Well,

254. you switched seats, okay.

255. You can't be doing that when you're wearing

256. the same uniform.

257. Okay, now that's a heart attack.

258. “Okay. ”

259. “All this person has to do is

260. live in a tree for one year!

261. What they don't know is...

262. I'm gonna set the tree on fire ”

263. Okay guys, I think it's time to put our phones away.

264. Perhaps today we experience some things IRL?

265. You're going to regret this Uncle David.

266. No,

267. you're gonna regret wasting your entire youth

268. staring at a little screen instead of being present.

269. I know you're just doing this so Aunt Andrea takes out her IUD.

270. Wait. What?

271. No!

272. I just want to show you guys a good time.

273. Well, you're not off to a great start.

274. What are you talking about? You're getting a sweet treat.

275. I want ice cream.

276. Well water ice is a local favorite

277. and also happens to be less fattening.

278. Are you calling me fat?

279. You're body shaming me.

280. Oh my god no—

281. you have a great body—

282. wait... no. I mean—

283. you're a beautiful girl. You're beau—

284. Ew. So sus.

285. Why is it called water ice?

286. That's a dumb name.

287. Yes, I agree okay it makes no sense,

288. but I mean c'mon,

289. look at all these fun flavors right there.

290. My favorite flavor is birthday cake ice cream.

291. I don't see that option,

292. so I'm going to try root beer.

293. It better be good.

294. Hey there David!

295. Medium cherry bordeaux?

296. Haha, you know it.

297. And how about this little fella?

298. What is that?

299. My order.

300. Why are you writing it down?

301. In case he's deaf.

302. What're you, ableist?

303. He's not deaf.

304. You just watched him take my order.

305. Oh, give me that.

306. Aaand we are leaving—

307. Flight 179er can we get a status check?

308. Noticed you lost some altitude.

309. This is 179er.

310. Yeah we actually lost a couple of pilots, too.

311. But all good,

312. Captain Mark Hoagies is in the saddle.

313. 179er. Say again over—

314. did you say you lost a couple pilots?

315. Uh... where'd they go?

316. Uh tower, they're actually in heaven.

317. Although the one copilot was kinda mean he might be in hell,

318. but they are both dead.

319. Uh say— What...

320. Wait they're dead?

321. Uh looking at them,

322. I wanna say affirmative. Yes, affirmative.

323. Very sad. Very sad. Gone but not forgotten.

324. 179er.

325. Can you confirm you have flying experience?

326. Oh yeah big time—I mean affirmative.

327. I'm actually a very legitimate pilot.

328. Passengers are actually very lucky

329. that I am on this plane—aircraft.

330. So you've flown a 737 before?

331. Affirmative. Requesting permission to tell you

332. about all the cool planes I've flown.

333. Uh yeah I don't need—

334. Let's not worry about that.

335. Right now we're gonna talk you through an emergency landing.

336. Permission denied. I'm good.

337. The hell is this guy—

338. 179er. I need you to confirm that autopilot is engaged?

339. Oh, good point, yeah.

340. Confirmed, autopilot is engaged.

341. Turning it off now.

342. No sir, do not disengage au—

343. Yeah, sorry tower,

344. robots ain't taking this job from me.

345. 179er I need you to enga—

346. Hey, goin' dark for a minute—

347. gotta check the score of the Birds game.

348. And he dives forward for another Eagles first down!

349. Hell yeah.

350. Ooh thanks.

351. Mm.

352. So Hank,

353. we're just trying to understand what's going on.

354. Where were you headed today?

355. A funeral.

356. Yeah sounds about right.

357. Where's the funeral?

358. It's in Florida.

359. You know they got hot dogs down there too, pal.

360. You can buy hot dogs in Florida.

361. Yeah, I know, I was gonna refill for the trip back.

362. Here's what I don't get.

363. Where's the buns?

364. The mustard?

365. Oh right here.

366. Oh my god! Bomb!

367. Hit the deck! Go go go go go!

368. He's clean.

369. Just condiments and buns.

370. Alright,

371. no criminal record.

372. No terrorist affiliations.

373. According to Facebook he's only in one group:

374. Hot Dog Lovers of Glantontown.

375. Ugh, there's just no link.

376. The Hell are you talking about

377. There's 800 damn links!

378. Ugh, this one's above my pay grade.

379. Put me through to the Pentagon.

380. This is boring.

381. No, no.

382. You're just overstimulated.

383. If you actually pay attention

384. you'll find that nature is the opposite of boring.

385. Can I just have my phone.

386. No. But you can have this.

387. Is that a piece of bread?

388. Yes.

389. Because we are gonna feed the ducks.

390. You shouldn't feed ducks bread.

391. It's bad for them.

392. You should feed them corn.

393. Oh yeah, you're a duck expert?

394. Yes.

395. Ducks have been my favorite animal

396. since I've been a kid

397. and frankly I'm a little

398. disappointed that you,

399. as my uncle, did not know that.

400. Uh... pfft...

401. Of course I knew that.

402. That's why we're here.

403. Uncle David I really want cousins,

404. but you're making this difficult...

405. Oh! It's Andrea.

406. Okay, pretend you're having fun. Smile!

407. Hahaha,

408. hi babe.

409. Just checking in to see how Uncle David Day

410. is coming along.

411. Oh it's going great!

412. We're at the park right now,

413. we're just feeding the ducks,

414. you know, Ava's favorite animal.

415. I literally just told him that.

416. He's actually trying to malnourish them.

417. No, we're just goofin' around, you know.

418. Look at Aiden oh he's so cute,

419. we were laughing so hard before.

420. And he's really connecting with these ducks right over there.

421. Here ducky ducky.

422. Yeet!

423. Oh my god!

424. Oh, David, did he just ki—

425. “It's not my fault she got kicked by a Zebra.

426. I said “no touching. ”

427. Excuse me?

428. Would you mind moving your hair?

429. It's blocking my movie.

430. Oh alright,

431. that's how you wanna play it?

432. Watch this.

433. 179er, we need to discuss some procedures.

434. First off let's avoid using radio comms

435. for sports scores—

436. we're trying to get you safely on the ground, okay?

437. Ah, This is 179er requesting you ease up on the micromanagement,

438. thanks.

439. This is standard procedure, sir.

440. Okay well, this situation is totally under control,

441. okay. These planes are basically un-crashable.

442. Let's be real.

443. Sir, that is not true.

444. - I need you to please listen— - Oh come on everybody knows

445. half these buttons don't even do anything. Okay, watch.

446. Bupabubaduboo.

447. Sir do not do that-

448. See? All good.

449. I know you're stressed

450. but maybe that's why you're on the ground

451. and I'm up here.

452. Let me tell you something.

453. In thirty years, I have never

454. lost an aircraft.

455. This moron better not end my streak.

456. He's a pilot, sir.

457. And he's the best chance we've got

458. to get this bird down safely.

459. Then find me someone who can get through to him.

460. Do you know who I am?

461. No.

462. I'm the guy you don't want to meet.

463. Hi.

464. You ever hear of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi?

465. Self-proclaimed caliph of ISIS and all-around human scumbag?

466. Well I'm the guy who dug the tunnel under the

467. Al-Hajarah desert to smoke that bastard out.

468. And then I called in the air strike.

469. You know the last I heard they found one of his teeth in Kut.

470. Well Hank,

471. looks like it's your lucky day.

472. Mr. Hoagies, follow me.

473. Low Fuel,

474. Low Fuel.

475. Am I hearing a low fuel warning?

476. Say again... sorry,

477. havin' trouble hearing you over all these alarms.

478. I think your plane is glitchy.

479. State your fuel!

480. Uhhh, looks like just under five hundo.

481. Say again please: did you say Five-Zero-Zero?

482. Affirmative. We're good.

483. Got five hundred liter... quarts...

484. got five hundred.

485. We got five hundred fuels.

486. Dear God,

487. this moron is five minutes away

488. from being a hang glider.

489. Okay listen, pal.

490. You need to land this thing now!

491. Confirm auto-land is engaged.

492. Negative tower. We're doing it live.

493. No you idiot!

494. Knock it off with this cowboy crap.

495. Tower this is 179er requesting permission to speak

496. to someone a little more professional.

497. Gah!

498. I gotta tell ya.

499. I've dealt with a lot of

500. jackass pilots before,

501. but this guy...

502. this guy is impossible.

503. He won't listen to me.

504. But he might listen to him.

505. Hey Mark.

506. Hank?

507. Is that you?

508. I thought you were on the plane.

509. Nah.

510. Long story.

511. Yo guess what I'm doing right now?

512. Uh... flying a plane?

513. Oh yeah baby.

514. Flying a plane.

515. No big deal. Ahhh.

516. Who is this guy?

517. His brother.

518. Says he's got over a hundred hours

519. in the cockpit with the guy.

520. Alright tell him he's approaching fuel exhaustion

521. and he must land the plane ASAP.

522. Okay uh,

523. Mark, they're saying your fuel's real tired

524. and you gotta land the plane AARP.

525. Oh my god.

526. Just maybe... just do it your way.

527. Okay,

528. okay yeah.

529. Okay Mark,

530. you got this.

531. Just like we're in the garage.

532. Hold on. What do you mean by “garage ”?

533. Oh it's the room where you park your car.

534. No I know what a damn garage is.

535. What do you mean you want him to land the plane

536. “just like we're in the garage"

537. What does that mean?

538. Oh that's where he sets up his simulator.

539. Simulator?

540. Does he have any experience flying a real plane?

541. I mean...

542. he does now.

543. Are you fricken' kidding me?

544. Did you do this?

545. Yeah. Do you like it?

546. I think it compliments your ugly attitude.

547. Oh I'll beat your ass, bitch.

548. Yeah yeah. Can you at least wait until after this dance scene?

549. I need all emergency vehicles standing by.

550. He's lined up and his altitude looks good.

551. You know he might actually pull this off.

552. You got this Mark.

553. So uh, you gonna do your signature move?

554. What does that mean?

555. Yeah I don't know Hank,

556. I'm trying to give the passengers

557. a smooth landing here.

558. Hold on, what does that mean,

559. signature move?

560. Oh, uh, right before landing he does a barrel roll.

561. Oh man—

562. That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

563. Uh no.

564. Actually it's very cool. You wanna see it?

565. Don't even think about it.

566. Too late. Already thinking about it.

567. Buddy,

568. you absolutely “cannot do a barrel roll

569. on a commercial airline ”.

570. Maybe you can't,

571. but I can.

572. I've actually done it a bunch of times.

573. I even once did it on a blimp.

574. Oh my god, oh my god.

575. Uh... I wouldn't push him...

576. Listen pal!

577. I don't care what you do in your garage

578. but this is real life.

579. There are actual lives at stake. Okay?

580. This isn't your stupid video game.

581. Okay pal well listen up.

582. It ain't a video game.

583. It's a simulation.

584. Hank,

585. we're doing a barrel roll.

586. Oh my god

587. they're all gonna die.

588. Ladies and gentleman,

589. this is your captain Mark Hoagies speaking.

590. We're gonna be doin' an emergency landing today.

591. No big deal.

592. The weather in Philadelphia is probably the same

593. as when we left twenty minutes ago.

594. But don't worry— I got a special treat for youse all.

595. Might want to have your phones ready

596. because this landing is gonna be memorable.

597. Oh my god...

598. What— are you afraid of me?

599. No,

600. but I'm afraid of my husband

601. flying this plane.

602. Ugh this sucks.

603. How much longer do we have to walk?

604. We're not walking. We're hiking.

605. Hiking is stupid.

606. Well too bad.

607. You know, I tried taking you for treats

608. and you almost ruined my life.

609. Then I brought you to the park and you kicked a duck.

610. I didn't kick it. I yeeted it.

611. How about you just give us our phones back

612. and we'll just lie and say we had a good time?

613. Everybody wins.

614. No way Jose.

615. We're doing this above board.

616. Well, enjoy wearing condoms for the rest of your life.

617. What! I don't... always have to...

618. I'm not having this conversation with you.

619. Maybe if you stopped treating us like babies

620. we could actually connect in a meaningful way.

621. Okay. You know what? Great.

622. You want to have a mature conversation?

623. Let's do it.

624. Why doesn't Aunt Andrea

625. want to have kids with you?

626. Ah... Wow. Um...

627. she is just on a different timetable.

628. Sounds a lot like you never had sex.

629. Isn't she like 45?

630. She's probably already having menopause.

631. Why are you so obsessed with having kids anyway?

632. Do you think it's going to fix your marriage problems?

633. Okay, you know what? I can't with you two.

634. Here, take your stupid phones.

635. Now I get why your mom lets you have them all the time.

636. Try to do something right...

637. Woaaaaahhhhh!

638. Did you see that?

639. No, I was on my phone— wait what'd I miss?

640. The coolest thing I've ever seen!

641. Did you get it on video?

642. Let me see.

643. Nah.

644. We just kinda experienced it IRL.

645. And you know, it was pretty sweet.

646. Yeah,

647. thanks Uncle David.

648. Aw yeah.

649. Nailed it.

650. Nailed it.

651. I mean let's be real okay,

652. if you're allergic to peanuts

653. you gotta announce that to the cabin.

654. I mean, that's just pilot error.

655. Okay Mark.

656. But luckily, my little “video game ”

657. saved the lives of two hundred people, so.

658. Yeah and put you on the “no fly list. ”

659. Small price to pay for being a hero.

660. I hear that.

661. I hope Uncle Kenny isn't mad

662. we missed his funeral.

663. Oh come on $15?

664. How are they gonna charge for parking!

665. We didn't even get to Florida!

666. Uh, what are you doing?

667. Hank, you thinking what I'm thinking?

668. That condiments should be packed in a clear plastic bag?

669. No, Hank—

670. BARREL ROLL!