Universal Basic Guys 1x4

1. Have a fun golf day with the girls, Tam.

2. Aw thanks, hun.

3. It's a beautiful day to get outside and...

4. Kick their asses.

5. Oh yeah. I always do.

6. Yeah, that's my girl.

7. So what are you gonna do today?

8. Ahhh I don't know.

9. I'll figure something out.

10. Love you!

11. Love youuuu! Mwah mwah mwah mwah!

12. And he makes the catch in the endzone!

13. Damnit! Were both his feet in?

14. Ahhh, there goes my parlay.

15. Hey, go birds!

16. Yooo Jinglebells! You made it!

17. Gotta be honest David,

18. I did not think you'd be down

19. for the debauchery of a classic,

20. Mark Hoagies Guys Day.

21. Guys Day! Guys Day!

22. Comin' atcha!

23. Oh wow. This is cool.

24. This is like a beer commercial from 2003. Nice.

25. You know it. We got it all, David.

26. We got beer, hot wings,

27. a little sports wagering,

28. a little corn-hole action.

29. The game, David.

30. Don't get excited.

31. Hah, homophobia. Cool.

32. And the best part is,

33. Tammy's out golfing with the girls

34. so there's no women around to bust our balls.

35. This is a judgment-free zone,

36. where dudes can be dudes.

37. Right, yeah.

38. It's like finally we have a safe space for our uh...

39. marginalized community.

40. 100 percent, yeah. Speaking of which,

41. have you met Dan here?

42. He's kind of a nerd,

43. does like, computer stuff.

44. I feel like you guys might get along.

45. Cool. Sup Dan.

46. Ok I'll let you guys nerd out.

47. I'm gonna go do this thing where I throw a football over the roof

48. and then run through the house and catch it on the other side.

49. It's very cool.

50. So yeah,

51. how 'bout this AI stuff,

52. right? It's crazy!

53. Dude A.I. is unreal.

54. Check this out.

55. Oh my god.

56. What am I looking at?

57. AI-generated Lord of the Rings porn

58. but I mapped my third grade teacher's face

59. onto all the hobbits.

60. Ah. Oh...

61. Woah, would you look at that?

62. It's already 10:15,

63. I gotta get going.

64. It's so great to meet you Dan I'll see you later.

65. Okay, you guys ready?

66. Uh. You sure about this, Mark?

67. Uh yeah, Hank.

68. If a bunch of teenagers on TikTok can do it,

69. then I can definitely do it.

70. Okay here we go!

71. OOF!

72. Damnit!

73. Forgot to open the sliding door.

74. Okay guys!

75. Trying it one more time!

76. Uh oh.

77. Alright here we go!

78. UGH!

79. Watch out! Watch out!

80. Yo I got it I got it I got it I got it!

81. Mark! What the hell?

82. Tammy!

83. What are you doing back?

84. Huh, nice to see you too.

85. Nah I just mean, you know,

86. we're kinda doing Guys Day here.

87. You're not the only one.

88. Oak Ravine Country Club didn't even let us in.

89. Apparently, it's a men's only club.

90. What?

91. That's disgusting.

92. They don't deserve your business.

93. You should go play somewhere else.

94. No! I don't want to play anywhere else,

95. on principle.

96. I totally get it,

97. but also, you can't really be here.

98. On principle.

99. Why not?

100. Okay, how do I put this?

101. In today's diverse and integrated society,

102. which of course I cherish-

103. Mark, where are you going with this?

104. What I'm trying to say here is,

105. from a mental health perspective,

106. it's vital that men have a safe space

107. to engage in uninhibited male expression,

108. untainted by,

109. how do I put this politely...

110. persons of a...

111. vaginal persuasion.

112. Uch, okay, Mark. I get it.

113. Don't worry.

114. I'm not gonna bother you guys

115. so you can go funnel wings into your butt

116. or whatever immature man-child stuff youse do on Guys Day.

117. See? You're judging.

118. Uch fine,

119. I'm going inside.

120. Aw, what the hell?

121. What happened to the back door?

122. Ugh can't do anything fun.

123. Alright you know what,

124. I'm getting you into Oak Ravine.

125. Oh yeah?

126. Not a single woman has played on that

127. golf course in over a 100 years,

128. and you think that you're just gonna march in there

129. and "sort this out real quick?" Pfft.

130. Yeah. I'm gonna handle it.

131. Because combatting sexism is a man's job.

132. Name?

133. Mark Hoagies.

134. I don't have that name on the member list.

135. I'm a guy, okay?

136. Can you just open the gate?

137. I just need to talk to the manager real quick.

138. Sorry, pal.

139. Doesn't work like that.

140. What are you talking about, I thought this was like

141. a men's club.

142. This is a private club. Members only.

143. There he is!

144. How you doin, buddy?

145. Everyday at the ol' boys club is a good one.

146. Alright.

147. You have a good one, now!

148. Oak Ravine?

149. Mark, you're talking about one of the most

150. prestigious country clubs in the world.

151. I know, dude. The place looks fricken classic.

152. I gotta get in.

153. I didn't think you liked golf?

154. It's not about the golf, Hank.

155. It's about being a part of an exclusive private men's club.

156. I mean this place is guy's day on steroids.

157. I gotta be a part of that.

158. Oh yeah, keep dreamin', pal.

159. Not only do you need a letter of recommendation

160. from one of the billionaire board members,

161. but the initiation fee alone is 500k.

162. Woah.

163. Pfft! That's it?

164. Yo, no problem.

165. And the final score,

166. Minnesota 31, Carolina 15.

167. Aw, hell yeah.

168. You like the Vikings?

169. Naw, I was just looking for them to cover.

170. Now all I need is the other 19 legs of this parlay to hit

171. and I've got the five hundred G's to get into Oak Ravine baby.

172. Wow, you really think you got a chance?

173. Yeah, I got a pretty good feeling about this one.

174. Check it out.

175. In other news,

176. Princeton University has canceled

177. all public tours of its computer lab

178. after a man accessed their quantum supercomputer,

179. and used it to predict the outcomes of sporting events.

180. Yo that was me, Hank!

181. Ooh, that's genius.

182. So you think I can also get into Oak Ravine?

183. I'll tell you what: you can be my caddie.

184. Awesome.

185. Okay, so you ready for your first caddie mission?

186. Hell yeah.

187. I'm gonna need you to get me a

188. recommendation letter

189. from one of Oak Ravine's billionaire board members.

190. Yeah okay.

191. What are you doing?

192. What does it look like I'm doing?

193. I'm driving balls into the woods.

194. What the hell?

195. Dammit!

196. You know, you've got some expensive equipment here,

197. for someone who doesn't even play golf.

198. Golf is all about the optics, Tam.

199. Wait a minute, what's this?

200. An application? For Oak Ravine?

201. Are you freakin' kidding me?

202. Tammy, I'm only doing this for you.

203. - Oh yeah? - Yeah!

204. I don't even like golf.

205. But when my girl's upset,

206. I gotta do whatever it takes to make it right.

207. By joining the club that doesn't let women in?

208. Tammy, sometimes change can only come from within.

209. It could take weeks, months,

210. even a generation,

211. but I am committed to the cause of feminism.

212. Hah, sure, hun.

213. By the way, doesn't that place cost a fortune to join?

214. Wow.

215. Wow. I can't believe what I'm hearing

216. from one of the “strongest ” women I know.

217. Imagine if Martin Luther King would've said

218. 'You know what? I don't have a dream anymore because,

219. too expensive'

220. or if Ghandi would've said,

221. 'you know what, I'm just gonna eat some food now

222. because it's too expensive to not eat.'

223. Or if feminist icon Gloria Estafan

224. never bought that pink vagina hat,

225. where would we be now?

226. Where would we be now, Tam?

227. Mark, I'm gonna be the first woman to tee off

228. at Oak Ravine and I don't need your help.

229. Tee time, Ellen. Heh-heh...

230. May I help you?

231. Sorry to bother you, Ms. Gobblestone.

232. I'm Tammy Hoagies.

233. Would you consider yourself a feminist?

234. I would.

235. Well I was recently made aware of a very sexist establishment

236. and I was wondering if you could help make a change.

237. Oh, dear. What kind of establishment is this, exactly?

238. Your husband's little golf club.

239. You know, the one that doesn't let women in.

240. I see.

241. I'm afraid I don't have time for such petty concerns.

242. But I wish you the best of luck.

243. Your husband is on the board of this club.

244. Is he now?

245. Maybe you could talk to him.

246. If anyone could influence a change, it's you.

247. We have to pick our battles, dear.

248. Okay, okay...

249. well, I've picked mine.

250. And I'm playing that damn course.

251. Listen here, Tammy.

252. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

253. Yo.

254. Yo, you get that rec yet?

255. I'm working on it.

256. Awesome, dude. Okay I gotta go, Hank.

257. UCONN girls softball is about to start.

258. I need this freshman to throw a perfect game.

259. Man, there's gotta be a billionaire

260. around here somewhere.

261. Hell yeah.

262. Uh hey Bill.

263. So just wanna say, thanks for Windows.

264. They're one of my favorite things to look out of.

265. Right.

266. So who do I make this out to?

267. Oh, uh, just write,

268. "To whom it may concern..."

269. And, uh, something like,

270. "I, Bill Gates, recommend my good friend

271. and all-around rich, cool guy,

272. Mark Hoagies,

273. to be a member at the Oak Ravine Country Club."

274. Oh, can you hit undo on this, it's not—

275. Next.

276. "To whom it may concern...

277. Bill Gates doesn't know how to spell "recommend?"

278. Aw come on. You know how these computer guys are.

279. They've been using spell check for so long,

280. they don't even know how to write with their hands.

281. So true.

282. I have always said that

283. computers are rotting our brains.

284. And you have the initiation fee?

285. One second please.

286. Now up in the Archery World Finals is Akmash Tartalzyk,

287. the seventeen-year-old former goat herder from Uzbekistan

288. who is now one shot away from a championship.

289. Come on Akmash...

290. And Bullseye! He's done it!

291. Hell yeah!

292. The money is no problem.

293. And what's your handicap?

294. With all due respect,

295. I don't think you're allowed to ask that.

296. Mr. Hoagies,

297. this is one of the most pristine

298. and difficult courses in the world.

299. We need to make sure you won't be hacking it up.

300. What do you shoot?

301. I mean... a lot of birdies?

302. Eagles? Yeah, I do a lot of eagles.

303. You do a lot of Eagles?

304. He actually once got a hole-in-one.

305. Did you, now?

306. Yeah. Bounced off the windmill

307. and went right through the gorilla's legs.

308. Ow! Get off me!

309. What the hell?

310. This part of the interview is really just a formality.

311. Just need to make sure you don't shoot over 200, okay?

312. Pfft! No problem.

313. Okay here we go.

314. Ah, Dammit! Warming up.

315. Just warming on up.

316. Oh my god.

317. He's at 199...

318. Driver? Hank why're you giving me a driver

319. we're four feet from the hole.

320. I like the driver. It's my favorite club.

321. It's not about your favorite club,

322. it's about the “Best ” club for the situation.

323. Give me the wedge.

324. Damnit.

325. Unfortunately, after your performance here today,

326. we cannot accept you into Oak Ravine Country Club.

327. Wow. I guess I'm the only one

328. here who actually loves golf.

329. Oh yeah? You love golf?

330. Buddy, you hacked up that course

331. like you caught it in bed with your wife.

332. Let me tell you something, pal.

333. I could have easily shot a sixty-five,

334. but I chose not to, out of respect.

335. All you speed golfers rushing through the course

336. with your 63s and your holes-in-ones,

337. but not me.

338. I play the ball from all angles.

339. From the velvet fairways to the soft sands in the trap

340. to the backyard of the guy

341. whose window I shattered off hole twelve.

342. Guys like me,

343. we don't care about the number on the scorecard,

344. we care about the experience.

345. If that means I can't be a member,

346. so be it. Let's go Hank!

347. Wow. I wish I loved anything the way that man loves golf.

348. Mark! Wait!

349. Arthur. Don't be an idiot.

350. As the head of the board of Oak Ravine Country Club,

351. I hereby welcome our newest member.

352. Whoa,

353. where am I?

354. Hello Tammy.

355. Ellen?

356. You had questions about the men's little "golf" club.

357. Here's the only answer you need:

358. it exists because we allow it to exist.

359. Welcome to The Lady Lair.

360. Woah.

361. What is this place?

362. You are in the headquarters of an elite group of females,

363. sworn to combat the issues that affect women across the globe.

364. Like sexist golf clubs!

365. Tammy, our husbands are very powerful,

366. but men like that are insatiable.

367. They will take, take, take

368. until they've sucked the world dry.

369. Golf distracts them from their ambitions.

370. While they're playing games, we're...

371. reallocating some funds for our "feministic pursuits."

372. So when you say "feministic pursuits,"

373. what exactly are we talking about here?

374. See for yourself.

375. Welcome to Oak Ravine.

376. Oh man. This place is classic.

377. Oooh. They got the classic suede chairs.

378. We got the classic wood-paneling!

379. You got the classic popcorn machine— ooh, ooh!

380. Oh my god,

381. if this guy says 'classic' one more time-

382. Oh, come on, Gerald.

383. Remember how you were on your first day?

384. Woah. They got a fricken bathroom just for pooping...

385. Oh my god, unbelievable!

386. Yo, this all free?

387. No women. No rules, baby.

388. This place is fricken' awesome.

389. Oh,

390. that is “Not ” whipped cream!

391. Okay, ladies.

392. You know what to do...

393. Um. Ellen?

394. You're with me.

395. Oh, um, ha pardon me...

396. Hang on!

397. Whoooooaaaahhhh!

398. For the crime of reading a science book,

399. you are sentenced to death.

400. Hello, boys.

401. Lady fighters?

402. Laundry day is tomorrow if you want to stick around.

403. Ladies, light 'em up.

404. What is these cramps?

405. This is the worst pain I ever feel!

406. Menstrual beam.

407. Ugh. Agh.

408. You suffer this every month?

409. “And ” you have to deal with the men's bull crap?

410. All clear.

411. Paula, do your thing.

412. Little better than a round of golf, don't you think?

413. Those poor girls...

414. They're never gonna get to play at Oak Ravine.

415. Ugh let it go, Tammy.

416. That golf course is nothing more than

417. a playground for man-children.

418. We are liberating oppressed women across the globe!

419. Yeah and I think that's, ya know, great and all, but—

420. Good. Because I just got word

421. your husband has been accepted to Oak Ravine.

422. Are you fricken kidding me?

423. Congratulations are in order:

424. you're officially one of us.

425. So what's your deal? How 'd you get rich?

426. Well, my family's been in the railroad business

427. since the Hayes administration

428. and under my watch we've become the world leader

429. in freight shipping logistics.

430. How about you?

431. Woo, man, where do I start?

432. First I needed the Vikings to cover.

433. Then I needed a third round knockout from Martinez.

434. After that I needed the girl from Baylor to hit five threes,

435. and then after that I need-

436. Wait a minute. Are you describing a parlay?

437. Oh, yeah, yeah. I won a parlay.

438. Well, Arthur.

439. Your golf lover over there hasn't played

440. a single round since joining.

441. All he does is hang out in the clubhouse all day

442. eating pheasant wings and yelling "Guys Day!"

443. Come on, Gerald.

444. He's just having fun.

445. Joe seems to be getting along with his caddie, alright.

446. So here's my idea: Clear mustard.

447. Clear mustard?

448. That's interesting.

449. Huh. Very interesting.

450. Hoagies! Coming atcha!

451. Wooo!/Yo Hoagies!/ Place is sweet!/Classic, right?

452. Oh yeah. Guests have arrived.

453. Yo yoooo! What's up boys!

454. Oh hell yeah.

455. This is the good stuff.

456. Yo, that tastes just like The Civil War.

457. Ooh, yeah. These are some serious puros, baby.

458. Yo, anyone know the WiFi password?

459. Okay, here we go I'm doin' it again!

460. Ughh!

461. Watch out! Watch out!

462. Agh! Damnit!

463. Boom.

464. Nailed it. Hank, did you get that?

465. Were you filming?

466. Alright, fine.

467. I think we may have a Hoagies problem.

468. Okay ladies.

469. We'll be infiltrating the headquarters

470. of a Romanian sex trafficking ring-

471. Excuse me.

472. Can I propose a mission?

473. Yes Tammy?

474. I just think, ya know,

475. before we solve the world's problems,

476. we could address some of the

477. patriarchal concerns here at home?

478. Tammy, give it up.

479. Let the men have their stupid golf course.

480. Who cares?

481. You know, if Amelia Earhart would have called it

482. just a "stupid airplane"-

483. Are you comparing yourself to Amelia Earhart?

484. I mean...

485. not yet.

486. You look like an oil man.

487. You an oil man?

488. No, I'm in tech.

489. Oh yeah? You should hire these two clowns.

490. You guys work in tech?

491. I dabble in a little programming.

492. Oh yeah?

493. What kind of stuff you work on?

494. Well, I recently modded Elder Scrolls

495. so all the dragons have huge dongs.

496. Oh...

497. I'm telling you these two are like Rain Man

498. when it comes to technology.

499. Yo, check it out: this morning they rigged

500. my ankle monitor so the cops?

501. They think I'm at home right now.

502. Mark, can we have a word?

503. We have an incredible opportunity

504. that we would like to share with you.

505. Oooh yeah. This like an insider trading thing?

506. 'Cause I'm in.

507. It's more of an investment in your future.

508. There's another club, a more prestigious club,

509. that's interested in recruiting you...

510. I mean... I don't know,

511. I already put 500K down on this place—

512. And that would be refunded.

513. With interest.

514. I mean, that's pretty good Mark.

515. Nope! Nah, I'm too loyal!

516. You guys are my boys now!

517. C'mere you, come on. Ahh -

518. can't put a price tag on Guys Day!

519. Time for an emergency board meeting.

520. The offer... was refused.

521. !

522. This whole place smells like farts and cologne!

523. His fat friend ran over John Boehner with a golf cart!

524. You think that's bad? Our stock dropped eighty percent

525. after I followed his caddie's advice

526. to develop a clear mustard.

527. Uh, that's on you Joe. The bottom line is:

528. Hoagies has to go.

529. Can't we just kick him out?

530. That's a slippery slope, Fred.

531. We could have him killed.

532. I don't know.

533. That got a little messy with Epstein.

534. Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

535. They're obsessed with this Guys Day crap.

536. It's like they're stuck in the dumbest episode of The Man Show.

537. Seems like that's the only reason they're even here.

538. Guys Day.

539. You know,

540. there's always the... Nuclear option.

541. Okay ladies,

542. let's run through it again.

543. Kim, you cut the power.

544. Paula, you flank right.

545. I'll go left.

546. And our rear is covered by...

547. Tammy?

548. What are you doing?

549. Sorry, ladies...

550. Gotta break that grass ceiling.

551. Woo! Foreeeeeeee!

552. Huh? Hey!

553. Sorry to cramp your style.

554. Heh heh.

555. At least...

556. leave me... with... some Advil...

557. and a warm compress...

558. and a way to watch Vampire Diaries.

559. One small swing for Tammy,

560. one giant drive for womankind-

561. What the hell?

562. Man, that was an all time Guys Day.

563. Totally worth five hundred thousand dollars.

564. Boom! Suck it, Hank. Proximity mine!

565. Night night! - Damn.

566. That's ten in a row, Hank.

567. You know what that you gotta eat a Q-tip.

568. Uhhh— hey, Mark?

569. Wait a minute, what the hell?

570. What's going on, guys! This place was classic!

571. It was forever Guys Day!

572. A last bastion of untainted male expression!

573. This was meant to be a club for gentlemen,

574. not immature,

575. obnoxious man-children like you and your friends.

576. Wow! You know what, you rich jerks

577. are even judgey-er than my wif-Fi pa-wifi.

578. You got the wifi, the uh, wifi password?

579. You know,

580. I now understand what my granddaughter means

581. by toxic masculinity.

582. Thanks to you, Mark Hoagies,

583. we have decided to end our

584. 100 year policy of not allowing women.

585. I'm glad you finally came to your senses.

586. It's high time this place catches up

587. with the rest of the world.

588. Now if you'll excuse me,

589. I'm gonna go golf with my wife.

590. Hun, how 'd you like to play a round with me

591. at Oak Ravine!

592. Sure.

593. Hank, get the lady's bag please.

594. Well, Tam.

595. Mission accomplished.

596. Guess you could say I'm sort of the uh...

597. the male Amelia Earhart of golf.

598. Uh, just curious,

599. when were you planning on telling me

600. they changed the rules?

601. Really, Tam?

602. I end a hundred year sexist policy

603. and now you're gonna bust my balls about it?

604. Unbelievable!

605. !

606. Oh, yeah.

607. Suck on that long one, Mark.

608. Not bad, not bad.

609. Now let me show you how it's done.

610. Okay, Hank? Driver.

611. No Hank. Damnit.

612. !

613. Golf sucks. I'm done.