1. I'm Mark Hoagies
and this is "Human Cannonball."
Copy !req
2. Ok, Hank. Get in.
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3. Uh... I don't know
about this Mark.
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4. It's fine Hank.
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5. There's a safety
net right there.
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6. Uhhh... can we like maybe
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7. test it out first or something?
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8. Oh my god you're killing
me here, Hank, okay?
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9. I know what I'm doing.
I'm not Dick Cheney.
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10. But what if I like,
blow up or something?
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11. Okay, dammit! Cut!
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12. Mernft, can you help me here?
Is Hank gonna blow up?
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13. Ahh... Yeah.
I thought that was the point.
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14. No it's not the— Okay,
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15. you know what
maybe we can try it
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16. with a crash test dummy.
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17. Oh no no.
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18. Those things are way
pricier than you think.
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19. Holy crap, a million dollars?
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20. You know, there's actually
something you could get
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21. that's a lot cheaper
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22. and way more realistic...
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23. I'm talkin' inside and out.
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24. Damn. That thing's no joke.
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25. Oh yeah the craftsmanship
on these things, incredible.
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26. I mean they get every detail
down to the fallopian tubes.
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27. Damn yo.
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28. This thing's gonna
be perfect for like,
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29. simulating the aerodynamics.
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30. Alright, let's do it.
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31. Okay. I'm putting in the order.
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32. Yo Merf, you don't
think Tammy's like
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33. gonna get the wrong idea
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34. when this thing arrives
or nothing, right?
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35. Nah. Don't worry.
I got you.
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36. David Jinglebells?
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37. Uh. Yup that's me.
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38. Oh my god.
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39. Yo... Mark.
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40. What's up hon?
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41. I'm sure you're doing
something very important
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42. but it would mean a lot to me
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43. if you could spend
some time with Darren.
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44. Oh absolutely, yeah.
I take a lot of pride
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45. in being an
involved stepdad.
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46. When he gets back from his dad's
we'll hang out.
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47. We'll do a little bonding.
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48. Uh. He's been here since April.
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49. Oh get out of here
are you serious?
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50. I didn't even notice him.
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51. Exactly. He's barely
left his room
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52. in like three days.
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53. I'm worried he's gonna spend
the whole summer up there
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54. and not make any friends.
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55. No problem, Tam, okay.
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56. I'll hang out with him.
We'll get outside,
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57. we'll make some friends,
we'll get into some trouble.
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58. Okay maybe not that last part.
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59. C'mon, Tam.
Maybe the reason
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60. he's not making any friends
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61. is because you're a bit of a,
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62. you know, helicopter parent.
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63. I am not.
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64. I just don't want yous
to do anything stupid.
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65. Cannon's loaded.
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66. Me? Do something stupid?
PFFFFT!
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67. I have fun, Tam,
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68. but I do not put the
people I love at risk.
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69. !
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70. !
- Woah.
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71. That was awesome.
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72. What's up Buddy?
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73. Hey Mark.
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74. You got any interest in hanging
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75. out with me and Uncle Hank?
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76. No thanks.
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77. I don't want to play with guns.
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78. It's not a gun, Darren.
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79. It's a cannon.
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80. A cannon is a gun.
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81. No, it's a classic...
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82. medieval ball shooting... tool.
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83. Oh would you look at this?
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84. A cannon is a 'large
caliber gun classified
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85. as a type of artillery.'
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86. Oh c'mon. You can't
trust the internet
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87. Darren, okay?
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88. You know how you really learn?
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89. By going outside and
doing experiences.
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90. Yo. You wanna throw
this bad boy around?
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91. Please put that back.
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92. No Darren,
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93. this boomerang is a classic toy.
We gotta play with it!
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94. It's a decorative artifact.
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95. My dad got me that
when he was in Australia.
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96. Okay what's the point
of having a boomerang
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97. if you're not gonna
throw it Darren?
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98. If we do this,
will you leave me alone?
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99. Maybe.
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100. Andrea this is a mistake.
I swear.
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101. Uh can you just
leave it in the box?
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102. Oh no, sir.
You ordered white glove service.
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103. You don't even have
to touch the box...
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104. Well, this box.
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105. Huh- What?
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106. Are you trying to send
me a message, here?
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107. What? No!
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108. You want it in the bedroom?
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109. Can you just take it
back with you please?
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110. If you want to return it,
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111. there's a QR code on the back
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112. that you can get all the info.
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113. Oh my god.
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114. Maybe next time
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115. pick a delivery window
where your wife isn't home.
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116. It's gotta be some
kind of mistake
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117. or practical joke
or something.
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118. Pretty expensive
practical joke...
Copy !req
119. “Hello David Jinglebells ”.
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120. “Congratulations on
your new Real Babe,
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121. the ultimate pleasure
doll experience. ”
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122. Heh?
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123. “ We're going to walk you
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124. through all the intimate
details... ”
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125. Oh god. Skip!
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126. “Beneath the natural silicon
exterior is our new,
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127. state of the art self-heating,
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128. strawberry flavored- ”
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129. Skip!
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130. What? Ew.
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131. Skip please! Uh,
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132. tell me how to send you back!
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133. Send back!
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134. “Nano-fiber polyester
landing stri—
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135. Functional lactating—
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136. Tentacle attachments—
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137. Just load the milk
into the cartridge— ”
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138. Wow David.
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139. Really splurged on
the trim package.
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140. “Enter promo code
MothersDay for 30% off
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141. our new pregnant
belly expansion pack! ”
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142. So the fun thing
about a boomerang
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143. is that when you throw it,
it comes back.
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144. Which makes it a very
ironic gift choice
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145. coming from your father.
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146. Okay Darren so here's
what you're gonna do okay?
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147. You want the flat side
against your palm.
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148. Just like this okay?
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149. And then you make sure
the curvature
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150. is facing the direction
you're looking to throw.
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151. Okay, you angle your arm
45 degrees on release,
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152. and then you're
just gonna let it
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153. roll off your fingers, okay?
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154. Here we go.
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155. Okay, there we go.
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156. Okay you see it?
No? Don't worry
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157. it's gonna come back so...
any minute now.
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158. Keep an eye out,
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159. keep an eye out.
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160. It'll sneak up on you.
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161. Ugh, that's the end of that.
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162. Thank you Mark.
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163. Uh uh.
No way, Jose.
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164. We are going on an adventure!
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165. Ugh.
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166. If we somehow find this thing,
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167. it's going right
back on my wall.
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168. Uh uh. Attitude shift.
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169. We're gonna find it.
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170. And then...
we're gonna throw it again.
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171. Bingo.
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172. See that broken window up there?
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173. I bet it's in there.
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174. I gotta say, Darren, okay
that was a hell of a throw.
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175. If that damn house
wasn't in the way
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176. it would have
definitely come back.
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177. This is so sketch.
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178. So we're just gonna
knock on the door?
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179. Yeah. What's the
worst that can happen,
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180. okay, we make some new friends?
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181. Now in sales,
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182. this is what we refer to as a
“cold call ” okay?
Copy !req
183. Hank is gonna make small talk
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184. while you and I,
we sneak upstairs
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185. and we get the boomerang.
Copy !req
186. Or we can just apologize
and ask them to get it.
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187. You want to let whatever
weirdos live in this house
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188. know we broke their window?
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189. Oh yo, wow!
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190. I mean... hi.
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191. I mean... hello, ma'am.
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192. My name's Mark. I was
just wondering if-
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193. What did you say about a window?
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194. Oh I was just saying that uh...
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195. You know I love some
of the trim work
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196. on these windows-
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197. Go away!
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198. Darren, now that's
called "playing hardball"
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199. no problem.
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200. Every "no" brings you
closer to a "yes."
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201. Yes?
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202. Oh hey boss, so,
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203. you know we've been out hiking
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204. and I really gotta
use the bathroom, so—
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205. Go in the woods!
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206. You know the thing is,
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207. it's kind of a number
two situation and um...
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208. and I'm allergic to leaves so.
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209. You are?
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210. Hank!
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211. One moment, please.
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212. The man just wants
to use the bathroom.
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213. No!
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214. Come on, Deborah.
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215. We haven't had a guest in ages.
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216. Lest you forget,
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217. there's a reason we don't
have guests, Charles.
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218. Oh relax.
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219. Down the hall.
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220. First door on your right.
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221. Actually, is there a
upstairs bathroom I can use?
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222. I need a little privacy.
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223. I got a little, had
a whole two burgers
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224. for breakfast
situation happening,
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225. you know what I mean.
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226. No!
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227. Don't be rude, Deborah.
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228. You're welcome to use the
upstairs hallway bathroom.
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229. Really appreciate it.
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230. C'mon Dar.
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231. Why does the boy need to come?
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232. Oh uh... Darren here?
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233. He's my uh...
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234. he's my wipe boy.
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235. Wipe boy?
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236. What?
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237. I'd love to have a wipe boy.
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238. Eww!
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239. Andrea, how many times
do I have to tell you?
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240. I didn't order this, okay?
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241. David, it's fine.
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242. In fact, I'm thinking about
ordering my own doll...
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243. Oh wow, this one looks
just like The Rock.
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244. Okay, enough. I'll throw it out.
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245. Uh, you cannot put
that in our trash.
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246. Are you insane?
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247. Ok well I'll return
it this afternoon.
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248. Fine, but until then
Copy !req
249. can you move it out
of the living room?
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250. The thing weighs
like 120 pounds.
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251. Is it that unbearable to ju-
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252. I will move it.
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253. Yes, I will move it.
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254. Argh!
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255. Come on, let's go.
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256. Huh!
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257. Cool place.
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258. Thanks.
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259. So when was this built?
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260. Like the 50s or something?
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261. 1730s actually.
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262. Woah. 1730s?
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263. I didn't even know
houses were invented yet.
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264. So uh,
what do you do for work?
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265. We are the custodians
of something evil-
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266. Enough!
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267. What's taking your
friends so long?
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268. Yo Dar,
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269. that's gotta be the attic right?
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270. Oh cool,
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271. the chained up room
in a creepy-ass house.
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272. Sounds like a great idea.
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273. C'mon, Darren.
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274. We're having an adventure.
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275. “You looking for your boomerang?
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276. I got it in here.
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277. Just unlock the door. ”
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278. Ahh... Wh—
What was that?
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279. Darren, you heard
that creepy voice.
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280. It's got the boomerang.
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281. “Everything okay up there? ”
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282. Oh yeah! All good!
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283. All good! Sorry...
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284. just finishing wiping up.
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285. C'mon Darren!
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286. Get that dingleberry!
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287. Alright let's see here.
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288. !
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289. “See ya! ”
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290. Oh my.
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291. !
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292. Welp. Happy, Charles?
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293. I told you this would happen!
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294. Do you have any idea
what you've done!
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295. Uh. I guess I let your
pet goat bat thing out?
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296. I mean who cares.
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297. No, you fool!
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298. You've just unleashed...
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299. The Jersey Devil!
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300. So when you say "unleashed
the Jersey Devil,"
Copy !req
301. is that like a good
thing or a bad thing?
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302. The hellish beast
Copy !req
303. will reign terror
upon our community.
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304. Its wrath knows no bounds!
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305. Okay, so it's a bad thing.
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306. So uh...
what are we gonna do?
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307. The only way to catch this beast
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308. is through the dark sacrament.
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309. We must head to the
ceremonial circle
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310. and build a pyre of white cedar.
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311. The incantations
will lure the devil
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312. to the blood sacrifice.
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313. What the hell...
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314. and upon his satiation
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315. he will sleep for three days-
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316. Pfft! Blood sacrifice?
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317. Yeah, that's never gonna work.
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318. Oh yeah?
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319. You're gonna tell us,
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320. the guardian family
of this abomination
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321. for over 300 years,
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322. how to find the Jersey Devil?
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323. Uh... I got news for you.
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324. It's a friggin
flying goat, okay?
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325. How hard can it be?
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326. You look in the sky for a
friggin goat with wings.
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327. Ok genius.
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328. Why don't you go do that?
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329. But since “You ”
unleashed this horror,
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330. one of you must stay back...
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331. for the sacrifice.
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332. Uh yeah, that's all you Mark.
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333. Okay whatever lady.
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334. Okay Hank, can
you just deal with
Copy !req
335. whatever cockamamie
nonsense they wanna do?
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336. You got it, Mark.
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337. David.
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338. Focus.
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339. Argh... argh
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340. Next.
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341. Sorry, it's a little heavy.
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342. Okay looks like we got a...
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343. Real Babe doll? -Uhp! Yes.
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344. It was shipped to me by mistake.
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345. Hm. Sure.
Copy !req
346. So there's a whole
process for these things.
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347. It's gonna be a few minutes.
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348. Connor!
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349. What's up?
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350. I need a hand!
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351. I got a customer returning
a Real Babe Doll!
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352. A what?
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353. A real babe doll.
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354. It's one of those
fancy lifelike sex-
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355. Hey could you not?
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356. Can you just come
over here for a sec?
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357. And bring the scissors.
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358. Is this necessary?
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359. If you want to return it, yes.
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360. Alright, let's just go.
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361. So uh,
where we headed?
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362. The ceremonial circle.
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363. Ooh. Sounds fun.
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364. Well.
Sounds more fun than it is.
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365. Will you shut up, Charles?
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366. What?
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367. It's nice to speak to someone
pleasant for a change.
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368. You don't name the chicken
you're going to slaughter.
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369. Get off my back.
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370. Well, here we are.
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371. You sure this is the place?
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372. So we know this thing
is half bat, half goat.
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373. Now what do bats eat?
Okay they eat berries.
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374. What do goats eat?
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375. Trash.
Copy !req
376. So, what we need to do
is find a berry junkyard. Okay?
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377. Ooh- maybe a berry landfill?
Copy !req
378. It's pointless.
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379. The thing is
probably deep in the
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380. Pine Barrens at this point.
Copy !req
381. C'mon Darren, okay.
It's gonna take time and skill,
Copy !req
382. but we're gonna
hunt this thing down
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383. and get that boomerang back
if it's the last thing I do
Copy !req
384. before I throw it again.
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385. Woah, yo!
Well speak of the devil!
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386. I told you it'd be easy Dar!
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387. Sup dudes.
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388. Can I come in?
I got your boomerang?
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389. What do you think, Dar?
Gotta let him in, right?
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390. Uh. No. Are you dumb?
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391. Come on. He can't be that bad.
He brought the boomerang.
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392. I gotcha.
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393. Please don't hurt us!
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394. Dude what? What're
you talking about?
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395. Why would I hurt you?
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396. But aren't you like
the devil or something?
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397. Well you know I'm not
“the ” devil.
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398. That's my dad.
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399. Uh.
Copy !req
400. I just wanted to
Copy !req
401. thank you guys
for freeing me.
Copy !req
402. Ah. Least we could do.
Copy !req
403. I mean your guardians
seemed like
Copy !req
404. a couple of whack- a-doos,
you know what I mean?
Copy !req
405. Oh dude, tell me about it.
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406. Yeah, they keep me
locked up in the attic
Copy !req
407. away from people,
Copy !req
408. so you know I never get
to make any friends.
Copy !req
409. But you guys seem cool.
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410. That dingleberry bit that was—
oh my god, had me dying.
Copy !req
411. - I was dying!
- Oh yeah, you like that?
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412. Yo that was a good one, right?
Copy !req
413. You like that right?
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414. Yeah that was good.
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415. Yeah totally.
Copy !req
416. So would it be cool if
I crash here for a bit?
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417. Ah no problem, yeah.
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418. Um... are you sure
about this, Mark?
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419. Yes Darren, okay.
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420. I know you're not used to
meeting new people "IRL"
Copy !req
421. but this guy's obviously cool.
Don't worry,
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422. I'll talk to your mom.
You guys have fun.
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423. I'll get out of your hair.
Copy !req
424. Alright Mark, see ya.
Copy !req
425. So, uh,
Copy !req
426. what do you like to
do on your computer?
Copy !req
427. Hey, hun.
Copy !req
428. So, how 'd it go today?
Copy !req
429. Let's see,
we played outside,
Copy !req
430. met some new neighbors...
Copy !req
431. Oh, and ah...
Darren made a new friend.
Copy !req
432. So yeah,
Copy !req
433. you could say it
went pretty well.
Copy !req
434. Get out of here! That's great.
Copy !req
435. Who's the friend?
Copy !req
436. He's some neighbor kid.
You know, seems cool.
Copy !req
437. He's actually upstairs in
Darren's room right now.
Copy !req
438. Oh wow!
I should make them some snacks.
Copy !req
439. You know if this kid's
got any allergies?
Copy !req
440. Nah. Seems like the kind
of guy who'll eat anything.
Copy !req
441. Oh yeah this guy's pretty funny.
Copy !req
442. He mostly streams Farm Crossing
Copy !req
443. but he's always
like, super baked.
Copy !req
444. Oh dude, that's hilarious.
Copy !req
445. If you want I can send you a
bunch of my favorite streamers.
Copy !req
446. Oh thanks man,
Copy !req
447. but you know we
don't get internet
Copy !req
448. at our creepy old house so.
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449. Hmmm. I mean you're
not that far away.
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450. I can just like,
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451. get a WiFi amplifier.
Copy !req
452. Oh dude are you serious?
That would be sick!
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453. Hey there kids I made you-
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454. Oh my god!
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455. Hey Mom! This is JD.
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456. Oh hey Ms. Hoagies.
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457. Uh... hi.
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458. Mark!
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459. What is that “Thing ”
in Darren's room?
Copy !req
460. It's not a “Thing ” Tam.
It's the Jersey Devil.
Copy !req
461. What!
You left my son alone
Copy !req
462. in a room with the Jersey Devil.
Copy !req
463. Woah woah woah. That's not fair,
I consider him a son too, Tammy.
Copy !req
464. Darren cannot be friends
with a “Satanic Beast ”!
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465. C'mon Tam.
Copy !req
466. You gotta keep an
open mind here.
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467. It's not like Darren's the
most normal kid either.
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468. What the hell does that mean?
Copy !req
469. I'm just saying.
Copy !req
470. He's not Zack
fricken Morris, okay?
Copy !req
471. Hate to break it to you but
if you expect his friends
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472. to look like AC Slater,
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473. gonna be a little
disappointed Tam.
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474. Mark.
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475. Get up there and tell that
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476. thing it needs to leave.
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477. Ughh fine.
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478. I'll be the bad cop.
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479. Hey Dar?
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480. Can I talk to you for a sec?
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481. Uh, in private if that's cool.
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482. Oh yeah no problem.
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483. You know I was just about
to go hit the vape so.
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484. So your mother wants
me to talk to you
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485. because she feels that
certain friends of yours,
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486. new friends,
may not be the best kind of...
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487. thing to be hanging out with.
You know your mother pfft.
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488. What! Oh come on!
He's actually cool.
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489. Listen I hear you
buddy okay but-
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490. Ugh, I finally make a friend
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491. and now I can't be
friends with him!
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492. Listen, you know how your
mom is with the whole
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493. "I don't like the
devil" nonsense,
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494. you know. Forget it!
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495. Screw you both!
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496. Tell mom I'm out
“doing ” experiences.
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497. Ay come on Dar. Dar!
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498. Come on JD!
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499. Let's get out of here!
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500. Alright, you go
have fun alright?
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501. Crazy kids.
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502. Come on I got a
baloney in the car!
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503. Okay let's see here.
Okay, serial number is in.
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504. Are we almost done?
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505. Almost. Connor,
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506. can you go grab the
blacklight wand from the back.
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507. Blacklight wand? Why—
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508. Yeah just gotta make
sure it hasn't been used.
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509. Can't we just skip this part?
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510. Listen man,
I don't make the rules.
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511. Okay so what you want to do
is just run that over the doll
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512. and look for any glowing spots.
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513. Got it.
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514. Wait, what do the
glowing spots mean?
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515. Just scan the damn
thing, Connor.
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516. Okay. We're good.
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517. No no, no Connor.
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518. All the way down.
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519. What?
Come on, this is ridiculous.
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520. Uh...
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521. what does it mean if
the feet are glowing?
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522. So? How 'd it go?
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523. Eh not great. You know,
Darren climbed out the window
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524. and they flew away.
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525. What!
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526. Are you kidding me!
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527. Oh my god there's no
winning with you, Tam!
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528. "Get him a friend" I do that.
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529. "Get him outta the
house" I did that.
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530. Whatever I do it's wrong!
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531. Mark, stop it.
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532. Just help me find him?
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533. Alright Tam,
but it's like a whole ordeal.
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534. You gotta build like a
stone temple pilots thing
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535. and then do a blood sacrifice.
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536. Okay, I say you
just give him time.
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537. This is classic,
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538. healthy teenage
rebellion stuff, okay?
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539. He'll be back.
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540. They're in the woods.
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541. Uh. Helicopter Parent Alert.
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542. You see this is the problem-
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543. In the car. Now.
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544. Sancta mater diaboli libera!
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545. Sorry.
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546. Would you mind getting
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547. your other leg for me?
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548. Sure, no problem.
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549. Charles!
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550. Are you chanting or chatting?
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551. Sorry.
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552. Sancta mater diaboli libera!
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553. No no you don't sing it.
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554. Oh I thought we
were singing a song.
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555. You got a real nice
voice by the way.
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556. Doesn't she?
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557. I always tell her she sounds
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558. just like Tom Waits.
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559. That's not a
compliment, Charles!
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560. I can't believe my parents
kicked you out like that.
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561. They don't even know you!
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562. Oh it's fine. I'm used to it.
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563. I hate them sometimes.
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564. You know, believe me,
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565. parents can be a lot worse.
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566. Your dad seems
pretty cool actually.
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567. Mark?
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568. He's my stepdad and believe me,
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569. he's not cool.
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570. He tries way too hard.
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571. Well at least he tries.
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572. And my mom is a total
hypocrite, okay.
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573. First she wants
me to have friends
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574. and then she says you're
not good enough for her?
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575. Like seriously?
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576. She's not completely
wrong, Darren.
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577. My dad is literally the devil.
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578. Who cares man?
That doesn't define you.
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579. There's a reason they
keep me chained up.
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580. Oh boy it's starting.
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581. What's starting?
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582. “It Is Time ”!
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583. Um... Time for what?
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584. “For The Sacrifice ”!
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585. Oh we're doing a campfire?
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586. I actually got a few
hot dogs in my pocket.
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587. Or are you just happy to see me?
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588. Knock it off and
get out of the way!
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589. Deborah, do we really
need to do this?
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590. He's a good guy.
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591. Yes, Charles.
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592. This is how it's been
done for over 300 years!
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593. But don't you ever feel like
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594. we're perpetuating
this cycle of violence?
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595. I don't care what it feels like.
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596. It works.
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597. What's gotten into you man?
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598. “I Must Feed ”!
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599. Uh, feed on what?
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600. “Humans ”!
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601. Humans!
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602. I can't be friends with someone
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603. who eats people,
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604. okay! Take me home!
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605. “Too Late, Darren ”!
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606. “I'm Blood-Lusting ”!
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607. “The Signal ”!
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608. “Dinner Time ”!
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609. !
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610. Hm this body tastes different.
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611. It's not bad though.
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612. There's like a hint of...
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613. what is that like,
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614. strawberry?
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615. Oo, my toes feel nice and warm, thanks.
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616. That's it!
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617. I'm putting my foot down.
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618. You fool!
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619. How else are we
going to lure the J-
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620. Hank?
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621. Oh hey Darren!
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622. We're doing s'mores and stuff.
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623. JD, you're early.
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624. We're still preheating the pyre.
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625. Nah. It's all good.
I'm full.
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626. What do you mean
you're full?
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627. I found this awesome
meat substitute,
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628. it tastes just like
berries and trash.
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629. What? But...
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630. the ritual!
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631. Hey you know what?
Screw your ritual!
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632. You're a bunch of enablers!
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633. It's all that damn
chanting that makes me
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634. all bloodlust-y in
the first place.
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635. See?
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636. Yo Devil!
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637. You think you can
steal my stepson?
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638. Not on my watch!
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639. Darren! Mom!
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640. No more hanging
with devils, okay?
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641. But he's my friend, mom.
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642. You can't be friends with that!
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643. Oh come on.
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644. Mark is friends with Mernft Man.
He's way worse.
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645. We'll talk about it later,
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646. but for now you're
grounded for a month.
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647. Okay. Sweet.
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648. I guess being grounded
for 300 years
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649. does seem a little excessive.
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650. Have you lost
your mind, Charles?
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651. He's the “Devil ”!
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652. JD watch out!
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653. Darren!
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654. Boom. Headshot.
You like that, Tam?
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655. Saved your kid- I mean our kid.
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656. My kid.
I love you, Dave.
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657. Mark?
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658. Hey, David.
Did you happen to get
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659. a delivery for me?
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660. Maybe like a big
box or something?
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661. Yeah, Mark. I did.
Was that for you?
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662. Yeah. Doin' a little project.
Didn't want, you know,
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663. Tam to get the wrong idea.
You know what I mean?
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664. Mhm, I see.
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665. Anyway, can I get that from you?
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666. Nope. It's gone.
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667. I destroyed it.
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668. Let me tell you, I absolutely
obliterated that thing.
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669. Aaaah David!
I bet you did, buddy!
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670. I bet you did! Yo!
Yo, there it is!
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671. Well I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Anyway, that was six grand
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672. so whenever you get a chance
you can just Venmo me.
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