Universal Basic Guys 1x2

1. Here, fishy-fishy.

2. No, no, Hank. Gotta hold it steady, okay?

3. Fish these days are smart.

4. They know when a worm is dancing too much.

5. Oh, I think I got a bite, Mark!

6. Fish on! Fish on!

7. Okay, stay calm. Pull against the drag!

8. Pump and wind!

9. Got him.

10. Hell yeah, Hank! Nice job buddy.

11. Oh we're eating good tonight, Mark.

12. Yooo,

13. Hoagies!

14. Ugh, great.

15. The one thing that can ruin a nice fishing day.

16. Steve frickin' DelVecchio.

17. What's up Steve?

18. Oh you know. We're just getting back

19. from a little fishing trip with the boys.

20. The tug is the drug, you know what I mean?

21. Oh yeah.

22. Wait.

23. Is that an earthworm?

24. They're using earthworms for bait.

25. What?

26. Perfectly good bait.

27. Freshwater bait, Hoagies. C'mon.

28. Maybe try some squid strips.

29. Or maybe those little guys.

30. You wanna see a real fish?

31. Nah I'm good.

32. Yeah.

33. Pfft! Those even edible?

34. Bluefin tuna?

35. Wagyu of the sea, my guy.

36. Yeah, it's no marlin but,

37. yeah it's something, I guess.

38. Oh yeah?

39. You're catching marlin?

40. With worms? Pfft.

41. All the time. In fact,

42. I gotta get more walls in my house

43. just to mount them on.

44. Sure, Hoagies.

45. Enjoy your widdle fishies.

46. Maybe you can mount 'em on your dollhouse.

47. Damnit.

48. Man, these fish are smart.

49. Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory.

50. Until them robots came along.

51. And now there is no job for me

52. But I get 3,000 bucks a month

53. Thanks to UBI

54. Now we're Universal Basic Guys.

55. It may not sound like much.

56. But we're still gonna try

57. We're just Universal Basic Guys

58. C'mon c'mon.

59. Yoo.

60. Damnit, Hank.

61. Woah! You can fish in the grass?

62. This is a game changer.

63. Nah, I'm just testing out this new rod.

64. Check it out.

65. Woah. That's no joke.

66. Aw you know it.

67. The Deepmaster Pro Triton Elite.

68. Push-button casting,

69. advanced reel seat,

70. 20,000 pound test.

71. And it's collapsable for portability.

72. I bet we can catch some big perch with that bad boy.

73. Yo, forget perch.

74. We're putting a thousand pound marlin on that wall

75. for DelVecchio to see every time he drives by.

76. Well don't you look nice.

77. Thanks, hun. Yeah I went with the

78. gold-stamped aluminum front plate.

79. Not you, ding-dong.

80. Hey, why aren't you dressed?

81. We're gonna be late.

82. For what?

83. Uh... the dinner plans you've known about

84. for a month.

85. Uh uh, raincheck, Tam.

86. We got good tides.

87. I'm going marlin fishing.

88. Mark, we got reserved tickets for this sunset dinner cruise!

89. Woah woah Tam. Did you say a dinner cruise?

90. Like on a boat?

91. No, on a bus.

92. Yeah, on a boat.

93. Oh hell yeah. Im go— I'll be right back.

94. So did you invite that girl from Instagram?

95. Is she coming?

96. I think so.

97. But every time I ask,

98. she just sends me a link to her Amazon Wishlist.

99. Oh, heh,

100. I see.

101. Well either way,

102. it's gonna be fun.

103. There's karaoke and dancing

104. and David and Andrea are coming, too.

105. They're very excited.

106. Ugh, I can't believe you agreed to go on this

107. stupid cruise without asking me David.

108. I thought it would be fun!

109. Well you could not have picked a worse night.

110. We're piloting a new self-driving truck in Fresno.

111. I need to be on-call.

112. Maybe what you need is a romantic night

113. with your husband.

114. A little chardonnay, a little sunset,

115. a little dancing.

116. It's been a while since we've been intimate, you know.

117. Well, maybe it has something to do

118. with the fact that when we are,

119. it lasts six seconds.

120. Uh.. That's because I “love ” you.

121. And I'm “attracted ” to you.

122. I mean come on,

123. you should be thrilled that I'm so virile.

124. David. We've been together for fifteen years.

125. Ooh this is so fun.

126. Oh it's really fun.

127. Isn't this great Mark?

128. Oh yeah hon. Totally.

129. Ooh, I'm guessing that's where the karaoke's gonna be.

130. I think tonight I'm gonna sing "Rights to Your Heart."

131. Oh yeah. Totally.

132. I know, I know, I always sing that one

133. but I never sung it on a boat.

134. Yep. Totally. Totally.

135. Mark.

136. Mark!

137. What's up?

138. Did you hear anything I just said?

139. Yeah I heard everything you said.

140. Oh yeah? What was I talking about?

141. Ah, you were saying how... work is stressful.

142. Yeah nice try.

143. I was telling you what song I was gonna sing for karaoke.

144. Wait, karaoke?

145. Ughhhhh.

146. C'mon, Mark.

147. Try and keep an open mind.

148. I bet you'll have fun.

149. Oh you bet I'll be having fun...

150. You look beautiful.

151. You know, I'm thinking maybe tonight's an oysters night?

152. You feeling oysters?

153. Ugh. It's work.

154. Ugh. Andrea, it's a multi-billion dollar company.

155. I'm sure they'll be okay.

156. I understand, David.

157. It's just that... gimme a sec.

158. Hey, what's up?

159. Okay, calm down.

160. It drove through a what?

161. A school?

162. Dammit Jason, why are they beta testing

163. in a fricken' school zone?

164. I thought these engineers went to M.I.T.

165. Do they not teach common sense?

166. Hello.

167. Hi.

168. You here alone?

169. My date's just running late.

170. Uh, you know we're already out to sea right?

171. Yeah I figured she could still swim or something.

172. Well you're welcome to join me,

173. if you'd like.

174. Uh. Yeah. Okay.

175. I'm Nori.

176. I'm Hank.

177. And for you, sir?

178. Uh yeah let me get some squid strips.

179. Calamari. Okay.

180. No, no. Just squid. Raw.

181. Oh...

182. we're not actually serving sushi tonight.

183. Okay then how about uh...

184. you got sardines?

185. We do have sardines.

186. Okay great. Yeah let me get a bunch of those.

187. In a bucket, please.

188. My husband, the comedian.

189. Anything else for you, sir?

190. Yeah, the branzino, please.

191. Lovely choice.

192. How would you like that prepared?

193. Can I get that alive and in a cooler?

194. Um,

195. I'll have to check with the chef.

196. The hell are you ordering?

197. Seafood.

198. What? I mean, we're on a boat.

199. Sardines?

200. Raw branzino?

201. What are you, a fricken seal?

202. No it's the, uh, it's just the, uh,

203. Scaleo diet.

204. Raw, whole fish.

205. Optimizes the nutrients, okay?

206. The eskimos have been doing that for like

207. four thousand years.

208. It's a classic eskimo tradition, okay?

209. That's why they live to be 190 years old.

210. Oh my god, Is that—

211. Quick pic, quick pic, quick pic!

212. It is.

213. Guess who's here, Mark?

214. Who? Woah, woah, woah.

215. Fricken Leanne.

216. Oh crap!

217. I know, right?

218. Look at her. What is she,

219. like, some fake influencer now?

220. It's like, is she even enjoying herself?

221. Oh by the way,

222. will you take a video of me singing later?

223. Yeah, yeah... sure. Yeah.

224. What are you doing?

225. Oh I'm just uh...

226. looking out... the... ugh... window here.

227. Beautiful view...

228. wow look at that sunset... oh.

229. Unbelievable Tam, it's unbelievable.

230. Mic check one-two.

231. Check it, check it, one-two.

232. Can y'all hear me?

233. Wooo! Yeah, I can hear ya!

234. What's up, boat fam!

235. It's your boy, DJ Swaggy Bangerz

236. Just want to let y'all know,

237. the sign up sheet for karaoke is open for bizness!

238. Bowbowbowwwww.

239. Oooh. I'm gonna go sign up.

240. Okay... ugh... yeah have fun.

241. Sounds good. Do your thing.

242. Tell them it's an infrastructure issue!

243. The street signs were misleading.

244. "Slow Children" can mean a lot of things...

245. What the—

246. Oh, you've gotta be fricken kidding me.

247. Okay, let's see here.

248. Ooh, there it is.

249. Hello.

250. Here ya go!

251. Thank you, amiga.

252. It's my go-to.

253. Yeah... it's...

254. definitely a popular one.

255. Mark, you sure you don't want to sing?

256. Mark?

257. Wow mama.

258. You're a big boy.

259. A very big boy.

260. Okay!

261. Are you kidding me?

262. You're fishing!

263. Tam I got something really huge here.

264. Yeah, well you can fish tomorrow.

265. Karaoke's about to start.

266. Come on, you know I hate karaoke, okay?

267. I mean, who wants to listen to a bunch of

268. random people's terrible singing?

269. You know I wish you could at least

270. pretend to enjoy something I enjoy.

271. Yeah, well maybe you could pretend

272. to be impressed by the fact that your husband

273. has a giant monster fish on the line.

274. !

275. Whatever.

276. I can have fun with or without you.

277. What's that!

278. I'll see you in a bit hon, okay!

279. Ow!

280. Oh no way.

281. That's my song!

282. Hey, I wrote my name down for that song!

283. She stole my spot!

284. It happens.

285. No!

286. 'Scuse me?

287. Tammy?

288. What the hell are you doing?

289. I'm singing my song.

290. Cause you stole it, you song thief.

291. What are you talking about?

292. No I didn't. This is my song.

293. Yeah right.

294. You stole it like you

295. stole my boyfriend.

296. Yup.

297. That's right, folks.

298. Wait,

299. are you seriously still mad

300. that I skated with John Mason

301. at the sixth grade skating party?

302. That's pathetic.

303. I'm pathetic?

304. At least I'm not some middle aged wanna-be influencer.

305. Are you that desperate for attention, Leanne?

306. Grow up.

307. Wow.

308. That's not...

309. that's not why I...

310. I just...

311. Uh... Okay let's hear it for Leen.

312. Leann, Leanne...

313. Let's hear it for Leanne everybody.

314. Next up is "Tammy Hoagies"

315. with "Rights To Your Heart"...

316. again.

317. Uh, why don'y you just skip this one,

318. Swaggy Bangerz.

319. Might want to loosen that drag.

320. Okay, buddy. I don't need you

321. fish-splainin' to me, okay? I'm fine.

322. Oh that ain't no fish...

323. That thar' is a whale.

324. YOOO.

325. No I would say my dad...

326. he's sweet but he's just like, strict.

327. He just only wants me to date,

328. like, guys who are like him I guess—

329. if that makes sense?

330. Yeah totally.

331. What about you?

332. Are you close with your dad?

333. Not really anymore.

334. Oh. Why not?

335. Oh he's dead.

336. Oh my god sorry,

337. I should not have laughed.

338. I thought you were making a joke.

339. Oh it's okay.

340. I like making you laugh.

341. Hank,

342. there's something you should know about me.

343. Oh are you like a Mets fan or something?

344. Uh, no.

345. I, um...

346. Yeah.

347. Oh wow, you're in a wheelchair.

348. Well, that's cool.

349. Wheels and chairs are actually two of my favorite things.

350. So it's not a deal breaker?

351. Nah,

352. they're just legs, right?

353. So we got a whale situation, okay. No big deal.

354. Agh, no big deal.

355. Here ya go, Chief.

356. Oh the expert wants me to stab a whale?

357. Pfft. Brilliant.

358. No. To cut the line. Ya Silly-billy.

359. No fricken' chance.

360. Oh yeah?

361. Yer gonna reel in a humpback with a fishing rod?

362. Yeah well this ain't just any fishing rod, pal.

363. This is the Deepmaster Pro Triton El—

364. Yeah, yeah.

365. Does it have a harpoon?

366. A harpoon? Pfft!

367. I don't need fancy gadgets, pal.

368. I'm doing this the old-fashioned way.

369. Now you listen here, greenhorn.

370. We're not talkin' about catching red gills or billyquafers,

371. that thar' is a whale.

372. Whalin' ain't' some game.

373. Whalin' is a battle with the devil's greatest monster,

374. knowin' full well you're gonna end up stuffed

375. inside Davy Jones locker or even worse...

376. Old, and alone and forgotten,

377. skippering a tacky karaoke cruise ship

378. and praying for the day it founders.

379. Yeah gotta be honest I don't know what any of

380. that pirate nonsense means.

381. It means you should call it a day,

382. and head inside with that pretty wife of yours.

383. Order yourself an Aperol spritz

384. and enjoy some drunk lawyer butcherin' Bon Jovi.

385. Let me tell you something pal,

386. I'm gonna catch this thing

387. and when Steve DelVecchio sees it mounted on my wall

388. he's gonna poop his fricken pants.

389. Well, you must really hate this fella.

390. Almost as much as I hate Karaoke.

391. Alright then.

392. Tighten that willy belt.

393. Loosen your shoulders.

394. Jam your left foot under that bar

395. and bend your damn knees.

396. Remember,

397. you're not trying to fight this blubber-head,

398. you're dancing with her.

399. Mmmm, hello.

400. Just need to borrow your phone for one sec.

401. Oh come—

402. Really, Andrea?

403. No.

404. Work can wait.

405. David.

406. I want one dance.

407. But I really...

408. Uh uh. No "buts."

409. Enough with the PR B.S.

410. Your spin isn't gonna unflatten those kids.

411. Sorry.

412. So we might as well have fun tonight.

413. Ooh David...

414. I kind of like this side of you.

415. Yeah?

416. Yeah.

417. Come on. Let's dance, baby.

418. Come on!

419. No, not like that.

420. You want her waltzing, not twerking.

421. Yo enough with shanty puns,

422. Davy Crockett.

423. We've been doin' this for seven minutes already,

424. I haven't made a dent.

425. I wouldn't do that if I was you.

426. Oh! Oh!

427. David, did you really just...

428. What? No!

429. Ow! Ow! Oh my god.

430. Ohh god.

431. Oh god. Oh my god.

432. Ow, ow, ow.

433. David? Everything okay in there?

434. No, no it's not good, Andrea.

435. I think uh...

436. I think I broke it.

437. Wait, what?

438. How is that even possible?

439. Well, uh...

440. Did you already have a—

441. Yes.

442. Wow, okay.

443. We hadn't even started dancing!

444. Well there was a lot of steamy subtext!

445. It's fine, okay?

446. Just go handle your work crisis.

447. Work can wait.

448. My husband's crises always come early.

449. I mean, first.

450. You're, like, so chill.

451. Are you like one of those guys

452. who seems all innocent and simple

453. but is actually, like, really deep?

454. No.

455. You're such a liar.

456. Hank, There's something else I need to tell you.

457. I... I haven't been fully transparent.

458. Oh yeah?

459. You can turn invisible?

460. I'm...

461. a mermaid.

462. I'm half fish.

463. Oh, wow...

464. which half?

465. Woah. You're a paralyzed mermaid?

466. No, no no no. I'm not paralyzed.

467. I just use the chair to get around on land.

468. I hope this isn't a dealbreaker.

469. No way. I think that's awesome.

470. Hey, you!

471. You have to turn this boat around.

472. My husband is having a medical emergency.

473. Sorry.

474. No can do.

475. What do you mean?

476. You're the captain aren't you?

477. Not anymore.

478. I'm sorry?

479. My dear,

480. I'm afraid we're on a Nantucket sleigh ride!

481. Uhh, what does that mean?

482. It means we're being dragged out to sea by a whale.

483. You've got to be kidding me.

484. Mark, you need to cut this line.

485. This whale of yours is towing us out to sea.

486. Sorry. No can do, Andrea.

487. I'm deep in a battle of wills between man

488. and the devil's biggest beast thing...

489. anyway I just need five more minutes, okay?

490. It's getting tired.

491. And then what are you gonna do with a whale,

492. Mark?

493. I'm gonna have it mounted,

494. that's what.

495. Pretty sure that's illegal.

496. Oh yeah? Tell that to the Museum of Natural History.

497. Oh god.

498. It's turning purple.

499. Oh come on.

500. You'll be fine.

501. How do you know?

502. Because the same thing happened to me once

503. and I lived to tell the tale.

504. Wait it did?

505. And like, is everything

506. still working down there, or?

507. Oh yeah.

508. Better than ever!

509. Hah.

510. Now I've got permanent wood

511. and I last forever.

512. Oh god.

513. Would you like to hear the twisted tale of

514. how this old sailor lost his dong?

515. Uh, no thanks.

516. Hey,

517. Leanne.

518. What do you want?

519. I just want to say I'm sorry.

520. I thought you stole my song,

521. and I was wrong.

522. I shouldn't've said all that.

523. Yeah, well,

524. you're not wrong.

525. I pretend to live this crazy influencer life,

526. always having fun but

527. the truth is,

528. I spend most of my time alone,

529. on my phone.

530. My husband was supposed to be here with me tonight,

531. but he had to work and bailed last minute,

532. again.

533. Oof.

534. Well, if it makes you feel any better,

535. my husband's currently out on the deck fishing.

536. Seriously?

537. If my husband was out fishing tonight,

538. I'd freakin' kill him!

539. Well, you're welcome to throw Mark in the ocean

540. if it'll help you blow off some steam.

541. I'm gonna order two beers.

542. You want two, too?

543. And maybe a tequila shot?

544. My girl. Let's go!

545. Hehe!

546. Wait what do you call these little tridents again?

547. Oh I always forget.

548. I just call them thingamabobs.

549. Me too!

550. That's so funny!

551. Sorry to interrupt—

552. Some bad news from the kitchen.

553. We're down to the kids menu.

554. Grilled cheese, chicken nuggets,

555. and hot dogs.

556. Ew.

557. One thing I just don't understand

558. about land people...

559. hot dogs.

560. Gross.

561. And that's how I learned that "blowhole"

562. was not meant to be taken literally...

563. Okay, sure, I mean the media loves whales,

564. but nobody stops thinking of krill.

565. I mean, whales eat like

566. five tons of those things a day.

567. So if you're a krill, I mean, you know,

568. whales are basically floating holocausts.

569. Mark. Shut up.

570. I'm calling the Coast Guard.

571. Ah, geez, alright.

572. Time to bring you in, baby, let's go.

573. Come on you stupid whale!

574. Yeah!

575. Got her!

576. She's tired out!

577. Oh no,

578. she ain't tired.

579. She's angry.

580. And she's coming straight for us.

581. Yo yo.

582. It's your boy DJ Swaggy Bangerz.

583. Just got word that we got a little

584. Titanic situation happening

585. but it's all gravy baby...

586. just remain calm,

587. grab some of that sweet life vest drip

588. and make your way to the lifeboats.

589. Peace.

590. Mark Hoagies,

591. you better stop fishing and put this on.

592. Tammy,

593. I'm real close here, okay.

594. Just five more minutes babe.

595. You are five minutes away from being dead.

596. Let go!

597. Well look who it is,

598. Mark Hoagies!

599. I should've figured.

600. Ugh DelVecchio.

601. The hell are you doing here?

602. We heard the distress call on the way back

603. from our very successful fishing trip.

604. Little did I know,

605. we'd get the added bonus of watching a moron

606. try and fish off a sinking ship.

607. This is classic.

608. Oh yeah? Well when you see the size

609. of the hog I'm reeling in,

610. you're gonna need a diaper change pal.

611. Enough, Mark.

612. Let it go!

613. Just a sec, Tam.

614. Woah.

615. Hoagies,

616. are you stupid?

617. That's a fricken' whale.

618. You can't be bringing that thing in!

619. Oh you wanna bet?

620. Mark!

621. Are you insane?

622. Let go of that rod, now!

623. Come on, Tammy!

624. We gotta go.

625. It's clear what his priorities are.

626. Are you fricken kidding me, Steven?

627. Leanne?

628. What are you doing here?

629. I'm on the karaoke dinner cruise, Steven.

630. You know, the one you bailed on

631. 'cause you said you were working!

632. I, uh...

633. Well the thing is... Well—

634. You lying scumbag!

635. I can't believe this.

636. You know what Steven? I'm done.

637. This is the last straw.

638. Babe, listen.

639. These tides.

640. You should've seen them.

641. Look!

642. I got a marlin!

643. Great.

644. Enjoy your last day on the boat

645. before I take it in the divorce.

646. Wait.

647. Are you being serious right now?

648. Do I look like I'm kidding?

649. You know what Steve,

650. I'm gonna toss this one back.

651. 'Cause I already got a keeper.

652. Ah Tam. I'm sorry.

653. Maybe I don't got a fancy fishing boat

654. or some big trophy fish hanging on the garage wall.

655. But I got something way better:

656. a trophy wife.

657. And you know what,

658. the only whale I need...

659. is you.

660. Ah. Just get in the fricken lifeboat.

661. See you around, Steve!

662. Hopefully she'll let you keep the marlin!

663. Mark, can you please hurry

664. before I lose my—

665. Oh thank god.

666. Crisis averted.

667. Captain you coming?

668. Not today Swaggy.

669. I've got a long overdue date with Davy Jones.

670. Okay,

671. but you know we got plenty of life rafts.

672. Nah.

673. All my friends died at sea long ago.

674. And it's high time for me to join them.

675. Take me Poseidon!

676. Weeeeeeee!

677. You know sometimes, Hank,

678. you gotta know when to let 'em go.

679. But there's always more fish in the sea.

680. Yeah.

681. So, Hank...

682. where's the cute girl I saw you talking to earlier?

683. We had some irreconcilable differences.

684. I don't understand.

685. Everything was going so well.

686. And then he just got all weird.

687. Enough with these land boys.

688. Your place is here...

689. under the ocean!

690. You're right.

691. This is where I'm needed.

692. What the...

693. no,

694. no!

695. Damn you, Poseidon!

696. Alright, Mr. Jinglebells. Let's see here.

697. Got some good news and some bad news.

698. The good news is it's gonna heal fine

699. and still be functional.

700. If you'd gotten here a few minutes later,

701. might have been a different story.

702. Oh, thank god.

703. So what's the bad news?

704. Well...

705. I'm afraid there was some nerve damage.

706. Nerve damage?

707. Yes. Unfortunately,

708. you're gonna lose some sensitivity,

709. so you know it might take you a little longer to...

710. Finish.