Universal Basic Guys 1x12

1. Yo, Mark.

2. Just got my UBI check.

3. Bet we can get some sweet tickets for the

4. Phillies game on Thursday.

5. Nah, Hank.

6. We got better plans.

7. What's better than Dollar Dog Night?

8. Bow hunting.

9. Hell yeah. Bow hunting.

10. So, uh, what's bow hunting?

11. It's hunting but with a bow and arrow.

12. Way more hardcore.

13. Woah.

14. Let me tell you, there's something beautiful

15. and ancient about the bow and arrow.

16. One of man's most primitive tools.

17. Check it out.

18. Woah.

19. The Falcon NX5, Buckshredder.

20. This bad boy fires a hundred heat seeking arrows

21. in under six seconds.

22. Damn, just like the caveman used.

23. Yup, they were having a sale at Hardcore Hunting.

24. Spend over twenty five hundred dollars and get a free grenade.

25. Nice. You never know when you might need a grenade.

26. Exactly.

27. So, uh, you know how to use this thing or?

28. Oh yeah, I've been listening to Rogan talk

29. about elk hunting for years.

30. Maybe I should practice a little with the bow?

31. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't use the bow.

32. I don't?

33. Nah, nah, you got a much more

34. important role.

35. Oh, okay.

36. Every hunter needs a gatherer.

37. You are the gatherer.

38. Nice.

39. So, uh, what does a gatherer do?

40. After I shoot the arrows,

41. you gather 'em.

42. Awesome.

43. Oh baby, look at that, look at that.

44. Okay. We got movement

45. at 12 o'clock right there, Hank.

46. Okay, you wanna see this bad boy in action?

47. Hell yeah.

48. Uh, Mark?

49. Oh crap.

50. I forgot they're heat seeking.

51. Hank, hit the deck!

52. Well don't you stand there, Hank?

53. Gather the arrows!

54. Well, I used to work at a hot dog factory.

55. Until them robots came along.

56. And now there is no job for me

57. But I get 3,000 bucks a month

58. Thanks to UBI

59. Now we're Universal Basic Guys.

60. It may not sound like much.

61. But we're still gonna try

62. We're just Universal Basic Guys

63. No, no, no, no.

64. UBI is not freedom, okay?

65. It's socialism.

66. Giving people handouts.

67. That's the end of America right there.

68. Wait, aren't you on disability?

69. Okay, well, that's due to a serious medical issue, okay?

70. Chronic Edema.

71. Swollen ankles due to salt retention.

72. You can't work with a handicap like that.

73. Oh hey, hun.

74. Hey, did you guys know a Doug Davidson?

75. Oh, Dougie D?

76. Yeah, he uh worked at the hot dog factory.

77. Good guy.

78. Oh, yeah?

79. Well, apparently his wife

80. Janine's been reported missing,

81. and now they can't find Doug.

82. Ya know, I think he had something to do with it.

83. Oh, get out of here.

84. You watch way too much Dateline.

85. Uh, where's the grill?

86. Oh, it blew up.

87. Hank.

88. It blew up?

89. It was an accident, okay?

90. Oh, yeah?

91. An accident?

92. Hey, you should be happy to know

93. that the arrows I purchased

94. are of high enough quality to pierce a propane tank.

95. Oh, great. I'm thrilled.

96. You really know my love language, Mark.

97. I'm telling you, Tam, this is a really smart investment, okay?

98. This thing's gonna provide us with infinite meat.

99. You want to provide food for the family?

100. Why don't you just try growing a garden like David over there?

101. Oh, come on, that whole garden is like

102. one freakin' salad, okay?

103. A single deer would provide our family with meat for months.

104. Ooh, ooh, Hank, check it out.

105. Looks like dinner has arrived.

106. Let's go.

107. Oh, okay, great.

108. In the off chance he actually killed a poor thing, we can

109. sous vide it in the hot tub, since we no longer have a grill.

110. You know, you can actually do that Tam, okay?

111. I know a guy who can disable the high limit sensor

112. and get this puppy up to 130.

113. Uh, we're good.

114. Okay, lay it on me.

115. Well, good news and bad news.

116. Hah, really?

117. Okay, let's start with the bad.

118. What's this bad news?

119. So, all the major cable networks passed.

120. Ughhh, dammit!

121. Oh, come on!

122. You know, this is why cable is dying.

123. What about the podcasts?

124. I gave you a list of podcasts.

125. Let's go through those.

126. Yeah, uh... Terry Gross? Sam Harris?

127. Those are huge podcasts, David.

128. I mean, in what world do you think they would

129. want to interview a guy who self-published

130. a book about gardening?

131. Uh, sustainable gardening,

132. and it's about my journey, okay?

133. Ugh. What's the point of having a book publicist if you

134. can't get me any interviews?

135. Uh, I am not your publicist.

136. I'm your cousin.

137. I'm doing this as a favor, David.

138. So am I.

139. I got a lot of cousins, Chuck.

140. I could have gone with any of 'em.

141. Okay, David.

142. Ugh.

143. Okay, so what's the good news?

144. I booked you on Sunrise Philadelphia.

145. Oh... okay.

146. Okay, that's not bad.

147. That's like a pretty big deal down here.

148. Great, because they also would love for you to show

149. them your garden and give some organic gardening tips.

150. Oh, wow! That's exciting.

151. So they're coming to my house?

152. Am I doing my own makeup or are they sending someone?

153. Uh... is there someone in your backyard with a crossbow?

154. Wait, what?

155. Hey! Uh, no! No!

156. Shh!

157. Dammit, David!

158. I was about to light that bad boy up!

159. Mark!

160. Please do not hunt in my backyard!

161. I'm protecting your crops.

162. That deer was eating your penis emojis.

163. Those are eggplants.

164. Oh, that's an eggplant.

165. What did you think an eggplant was?

166. I don't know. I always thought

167. it was like a tree that

168. grows eggs or something.

169. Ok. Well listen, I don't need your help defending my garden.

170. I'm perfectly capable of keeping deer away

171. without murdering them.

172. I don't know about that, David, okay?

173. Deer aren't afraid of guys like you.

174. Oh, yeah?

175. Yeah, they can sense that

176. I'm a decent human being?

177. Nature's only got one rule: kill or be killed.

178. When the animals sense you're a vegetarian, they're

179. not afraid of you no more.

180. They will walk all over you.

181. Okay. Fine.

182. If that's the cost of being ethical,

183. then the animals

184. don't have to respect me.

185. Whoa, David, okay?

186. Bow hunting is highly ethical, okay?

187. More ethical than being vegetarian, actually.

188. I mean, I feel like NOT killing a conscious creature

189. at all... probably the most ethical thing, no?

190. David, what do you think is going happen to that

191. deer you just spooked?

192. Do you think he's gonna go on

193. and live forever?

194. Go become the first deer astronaut?

195. I got news for you.

196. Nature is brutal.

197. That deer is gonna get eaten by a bear, or hit

198. by a car, or die of one of those parasites where a worm

199. takes control of its brain and makes it walk around all

200. weird and fall over the field.

201. Okay, bow hunting gives that deer a dignified, noble death.

202. In fact, the best possible outcome for that deer is to

203. take an arrow through the heart from yours truly, okay?

204. Okay, listen, if you wanna go shoot defenseless animals,

205. that's your choice, but maybe do it in the woods?

206. Okay, David.

207. Pfft!

208. Let's go, Hank!

209. You know ah, Hank, I— I'm surprised.

210. You don't seem like the hunting type.

211. Oh, I'm actually just gathering.

212. Hey, don't forget your arrows!

213. Dammit, Hank!

214. Okay... Any minute now...

215. Our little four legged friend is gonna to come stumbling

216. right into the line of fire.

217. Hank, what the hell are you doing?

218. I'm taking a hot dog break.

219. What do you mean hot dog break?

220. We've been out here for 20 minutes.

221. The hell's wrong with you?

222. We're catching our own meat now.

223. Yeah, I just don't know how I feel about, like,

224. killing animals and stuff.

225. Hank!

226. What do you think hot dogs

227. are made from?

228. Uh, sludge?

229. Listen, I'm telling you. This is way more ethical

230. than eating hot dogs.

231. We bow hunters follow a strict code.

232. Hey, oh— shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

233. Hank, check it out.

234. Wouldn't it be against bow hunting rules

235. to kill a baby deer?

236. Might not be a baby.

237. Could be a midget.

238. Whoa!

239. What the hell was that?

240. Dougie D?

241. Yo!

242. You gotta be more careful, man.

243. What are you doing out here?

244. Mark?

245. Hank?

246. Hey— Well... since getting laid off from the factory,

247. I uh...

248. I finally decided to live my dream of

249. being a survivalist.

250. Yeah.

251. No way,

252. that's freaking awesome, man.

253. Yeah, see Hank, I told you this guy didn't kill his wife.

254. What?

255. No, no, no, that's crazy.

256. Of course I didn't.

257. I had nothing to do with it.

258. Ah, I wouldn't worry too much.

259. Right now, she's just missing.

260. Oh, yeah, right, right, right, yeah.

261. So, like, nobody knows I'm out here, right?

262. I mean, I don't think so.

263. Except us now, obviously.

264. Yeah.

265. Well, listen, if you want

266. a break from solitude,

267. you're welcome to come bow hunting with us.

268. You know,

269. that sounds like a great idea.

270. Uh, excuse me.

271. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

272. What are you doing, babe?

273. Grabbing a couple tomatoes?

274. Okay, why do you need tomatoes?

275. To... eat?

276. Yeah, this garden is not for eating.

277. This garden is going to be featured on TV.

278. This would be like you going on the full house set and

279. eating the Olsen Twins.

280. Uh, I don't think I'm the one you need to worry about.

281. What do you mean?

282. Damnit!

283. Oh, come on, jeez.

284. Oh, they ate ah— they ate everything!

285. They even ate the frickin' herbs!

286. Are you alright over there, Jinglebells?

287. No.

288. The damn deer keep eating my crops.

289. You know, I got a guy who can install a spiked fence for you.

290. A spiked fence?

291. Uh, sounds a little extreme. Does it work?

292. Oh yeah, big time, okay?

293. That's why they're illegal.

294. They're illegal?

295. Well, only because the snowflakes you elect

296. claim they're "inhumane."

297. Okay, well anything that'll harm animals is out of the question.

298. Nah, nah, nah.

299. It's just a deterrent.

300. Like a, uh, spiky metal scarecrow.

301. Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

302. I'll just stick with, uh, peppermint oil.

303. Pfft. Wasting your money.

304. What do you mean?

305. Doesn't work on a deer in South Jersey, okay?

306. The animals here are stubborn bastards.

307. No respect for property.

308. Excuse me.

309. Get the hell out of my hot tub.

310. Pfft. Unbelievable.

311. Fricken deer all over the roads and none in the forest.

312. You know what?

313. I know a perfect spot where a ton of deer hang out.

314. But we gotta go a little deeper in the woods.

315. Eh, I don't know.

316. I feel like we should head back.

317. You know, it's getting kind of late.

318. Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't leave!

319. I— I mean... we should camp out, right?

320. Look, I got a tent, I got a whole set up.

321. It'll be great.

322. Aw, hell yeah.

323. A little overnight hunting trip

324. with the boys.

325. What do you say, Hank?

326. Uh... I'm pretty hungry.

327. Hank, what do you say you and me do a little foraging, yeah?

328. You know, a lot of people say that mushrooms are the

329. hot dogs of the forest.

330. Oh yeah?

331. Okay.

332. Yo, there we go!

333. There we go, Hanky Hank!

334. Yeah, alright, Doug, Doug, just let me call the wife.

335. Uh, I gotta let her know we're sleeping out tonight.

336. No, no, no, no, you can't!

337. Well, I mean... who needs to call their wife?

338. We're just hanging out.

339. Pfft, oka— Doug, I got news for you, okay?

340. If I camp out here with you and don't tell her,

341. I'm literally gonna get murdered.

342. Okay, uh... just maybe don't mention you're with me, please?

343. Don't worry, I got you.

344. She was the life of the party.

345. Her smile would light up a room, but little did she know.

346. Oh yeah, she's dead.

347. She's freakin' dead.

348. Hey hun... What's up?

349. Hey uh, just wanna let you know I'm gonna be camping out

350. tonight with uh, Hank and Doug.

351. Ah, crap.

352. Doug?

353. As in Doug Davidson?

354. No, no, uh, Doug, uh, Doug Peterson.

355. The old Eagles coach?

356. Uh, yeah, yeah, that's whom. Agh, alright listen.

357. Okay, Tam, I'm with Doug, okay?

358. But just keep it on the DL, okay?

359. He doesn't want anyone to know he's out here.

360. Uh, yeah, you know why?

361. Because he's a MURDERER, you idiot!

362. Okay, calm down.

363. He's not a murderer.

364. He's a good guy and he needs friends right now.

365. Mark!

366. I'm telling ya,

367. I've been checking out his Facebook.

368. Look at some of the pages he likes.

369. O.J. Simpson, Chris Benoit, Oscar Pistorius.

370. Okay, so the guy likes sports.

371. I mean No, Mark.

372. He likes athletes who killed their FRICKIN' wives!

373. Oh, please, okay?

374. You like Michael Jackson doesn't mean you go

375. around boinking kids.

376. Mark, listen to me.

377. You and your brother need to get your asses outta

378. there and call the cops!

379. Okay, I hear you. I got you.

380. Okay, let me talk to the guys.

381. No! Do not talk to the guys about it!

382. Oh! What about that one?

383. Ooh, that's a beauty, Hank.

384. Good pick.

385. You sure it's not like, uh, poison?

386. Not at all.

387. In fact, those are my favorite.

388. I eat them all the time.

389. Hmm...

390. Oh.

391. Someone left a perfectly good knife in that tree.

392. Oh... uh... yeah. Nice.

393. Yeah, I don't know if I can eat this.

394. Looks just like the guy from Mario Kart.

395. But, uh, you know, you should have it.

396. Oh, no, no, I'm good, thanks.

397. Oh, come on, I insist.

398. You said you eat these mushrooms all the time and

399. that these are your favorite.

400. Right. I... um... fine, yeah. Sure.

401. Mmm.

402. Yummy.

403. Would you excuse me for just a second?

404. Good news guys.

405. Talked to the wife.

406. We are all clear for camping.

407. Hey, what's up with him?

408. Hey Mark, can I uh, talk to you for a second?

409. What's up?

410. I have some concerns about Doug.

411. I think he's bulimic.

412. Oh, come on.

413. Shoo!

414. Go!

415. Get out of here!

416. Swear to god, buddy.

417. Don't make me use the peppermint spray.

418. You'll be smelling like Christmas for weeks.

419. Sorry. I'm sorry.

420. Mr Jinglebells.

421. Hi.

422. Yeah, so, uh,

423. about that spiky fence.

424. So she really thinks Doug did it, eh?

425. Yo no, she's nuts, okay?

426. She saw one thing on his Facebook page and now

427. she's fricken Columbo.

428. I don't know, Mark didn't like his, uh, first wife die

429. in a weird way or something?

430. No, not at all, okay?

431. She, uh, I think she fell down the stairs or something.

432. Poor guy, if anyone appreciates

433. having a wife, it's gotta be Doug.

434. Did you hear that? Shh, shh, shh...

435. Ugggh!

436. Oh boy.

437. Uh, is he dead?

438. Hank, would you relax?

439. Okay, this is just a little hunting accident.

440. It happens all the time.

441. Hey, Doug.

442. Doug, you good?

443. Arrrgh!

444. Okay, don't worry, pal.

445. Just got uh, the wind knocked out of you, okay?

446. No big deal.

447. Uh, should we call 9-1-1 or?

448. Ehhh. Yeah, probably.

449. Ah, crap. Phone's dead.

450. Yo, Hank, what uh... percentage you at?

451. I don't know. Won't turn on.

452. Hmm. Looks like we're gonna have to do this

453. the old fashioned way.

454. Like a surgery with sticks or something?

455. Hm...

456. You know what, nah.

457. I think we gotta, we gotta go get help.

458. What the hell kind of fence is this?

459. Eh, it's just a deterrent to keep deer out.

460. It's hideous.

461. I don't know, I kind of like it.

462. It's got kind of a Game of Thrones vibe.

463. Ugh.

464. Listen, I have no choice.

465. The Sunrise Philadelphia people are coming and the

466. entire tri-state area is going to see my garden, okay?

467. No one's going to buy a gardening book from a man

468. with nibbled eggplants.

469. How much is this thing going to cost?

470. Oh, it's Mernft Man's friend. He's doing it as a favor.

471. Eight thousand dollars.

472. Eight thou— You mean eight thousand rubles?

473. No.

474. You know. Okay well look,

475. our fence budget is only two thousand dollars.

476. Eight thousand dollars!

477. Okay yes, sure. Sorry, no problem.

478. Uh, you know what?

479. I'm gonna go get my checkbook.

480. Cash.

481. I don't have eight thousand dollars in cash on me!

482. Okay listen, David, okay?

483. I know your people love a bargain, but you can't

484. negotiate with these guys, okay?

485. He's like full-on Russian mob.

486. Oh my god.

487. You know what, I'm gonna run to the bank. Alright?

488. Eight thousand? Great, no problem.

489. David, I have to go to work.

490. Just... I'll be right back.

491. So... uh, should we be worried about rust or anything?

492. Rust good.

493. Give enemies tetanus.

494. Eh, you sure we're going the right way, Mark?

495. We've been walking for like sixteen hours.

496. Yes, Hank, you see this?

497. Moss only grows on the north side of trees.

498. So what you do is you just follow the moss, and it'll

499. take you to— takes you in a straight line. Okay?

500. Yeah, but that tree has moss all around it.

501. Holy crap, Hank.

502. It's a freakin' deer city!

503. Oh, yeah.

504. Too bad we gotta get help for Doug.

505. He's fine, Hank, okay? He's a survivalist.

506. Not dying is like, that's like their one rule.

507. This might be our only chance to bag a buck.

508. If I come back from an overnight hunting trip with

509. no frickin' meat, pfft, I'm never gonna hear end of it.

510. Damnit!

511. Hank, it's freakin' empty!

512. Where are the arrows?

513. Oh crap, I think they're uh, still in Doug.

514. Damn, alright,

515. well I didn't want to have to do this,

516. but you left me no choice Hank, okay? This is on you.

517. Woah, you sure it's ethical to use a grenade on a deer?

518. Oh yeah, VERY ethical.

519. Instant death, no suffering. Plus they die together,

520. so they go to heaven together.

521. True.

522. Alright, this is it. For all the money.

523. Oh crap! Fire in the hole!

524. Let's go go go go!

525. Welcome back to Sunrise Philadelphia.

526. Denise, are you into gardening?

527. Oh, no, Howard,

528. the only time my thumb is green is when I'm using

529. it to call my landscaper!

530. Well, our own Tracy Mummers is live in Glantontown to

531. show us why they call New Jersey the Garden State.

532. Thanks, Howard!

533. I'm here with David Jinglebells, author of

534. A New Leaf: My Journey into Sustainable Gardening.

535. David, can we start with a little tour of your

536. beautiful garden here?

537. Great, sure, yeah!

538. So first up we have a local staple.

539. This is the Jersey tomato.

540. Oh yes. Love those in a Caprese salad.

541. And look at these eggplants.

542. Impressive.

543. Oh well thank you very much!

544. Yeah, these are actually Japanese eggplants, which are

545. a fantastic meat substitute.

546. You get the texture of meat, but without the murder.

547. Oh!

548. Oh, wow.

549. I think a deer just got stuck on your fence.

550. Oh, god!

551. Oh, no!

552. Oh, god! Please—

553. Oh, deer.

554. That's not good.

555. Ah, fricken A. I think we're back at the campsite.

556. Wait, did we just walk all the way around the Earth?

557. Look, Doug's getting help!

558. Yeah, uh. I think he's dead, Hank.

559. Oh, jeez.

560. Hank, I killed the guy.

561. I freaking killed the guy, okay?

562. I'm going to jail.

563. Maybe Tammy was right.

564. Yeah, about Doug killing Janine?

565. No, about bo hu— wait a minute- YEAH.

566. Yeah! About Doug killing Janine!

567. Cause if Doug did it, then I didn't just kill some guy...

568. I killed a murderer!

569. Doug is obviously a fricken murderer!

570. Okay, how's that for ethical?

571. Forget bow hunter, I'm a BOUNTY hunter.

572. Wait, where you going?

573. Where you think I'm going? To get my reward!

574. Yo, clean up on aisle five, right?

575. Who the hell are you?

576. How you doin', uh Mark Hoagies. Bounty hunter.

577. Okay buddy well this is an active crime scene.

578. Are you authorized to be here?

579. I mean considering this is my handiwork, yeah I'd say so.

580. Hold on. Are you confessing to killing this guy?

581. I prefer to call it neutralizing a murderer.

582. But yes, that is correct.

583. Well, Hoagies, uh your little brother over

584. there told us everything.

585. Bastard sold me out

586. for a hot dog!

587. Unbelievable.

588. He says you accidentally shot Doug,

589. which by the way, is still a serious crime.

590. Dammit, Hank.

591. But, he also gathered the

592. smoking gun evidence we

593. needed to close this case.

594. Or should I say, smoking knife?

595. He found a knife in a tree with Janine's blood.

596. So how about we agree this was self defense

597. and call it a day, eh?

598. Hmmm. Self defense?

599. Interesting.

600. How would that affect the reward money?

601. Your reward is not going to jail.

602. Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind.

603. Deal.

604. Hey, Mernft, uh, you think your Russian friend could

605. throw me up there too?

606. Come on, David it's fine, okay?

607. The world's a better place with, uh,

608. a fifteen or so less deer in it.

609. Well, at least your eggplants are intact.

610. Andrea, this Caprese salad is wonderful.

611. Thank you. Better be.

612. Those are eight thousand dollar tomatoes.

613. And this deer kebab is hot dog quality let me tell you.

614. Uh, thanks?

615. Yeah David. You killed it.

616. Believe me, I am aware Mark.

617. You gotta try it David, come on.

618. Sure, why not.

619. Hmm. Not bad, actually.

620. Wow.

621. And thus ends David's

622. four month vegetarian adventure.

623. I mean, it feels like it would be unethical NOT

624. to eat it at this point.

625. Right, Mark?

626. Actually David, you'll be happy

627. to know that I no longer

628. hunt innocent creatures...

629. only obviously guilty ones.

630. I am a bounty hunter now.

631. Oh give me a break.

632. No he's not.

633. Yes I am Tam.

634. I think this is my calling.

635. Okay, Mark. For legal reasons, why don't we discuss this later.

636. So uh, what happened to the rest of the deer?

637. Oh uh... Mernft Man actually took 'em. Heh.

638. Oh my god.

639. Are you fricken kidding me?