Twisted Metal 1x5

1. You know, it'd be great if you could warn me

2. before you drift like that.

3. I fucking slammed my goddamn head into the window.

4. I said, "Hang on." You say that all the time.

5. "Hang on. I'm taking a curb.

6. Hang on. It's a speed bump."

7. I mean, at this point it's meaningless.

8. I should be mad at you anyway. The reason we got robbed

9. is because you needed a piss break again.

10. Oh, come on! You also needed to pee.

11. You sounded like a broken fire hydrant back there.

12. Ha! You were listening.

13. It was so loud.

14. I bet that vulture heard you from three states away.

15. What'd he take, anyway? Ooh, found it!

16. Are you serious?

17. You almost got us killed for a bunch of stupid CDs?

18. Stupid CDs? I've been building this collection for a decade.

19. I have more memories in here than I do in here.

20. And, I'll have you know,

21. good music is worth its weight in gold nowadays.

22. Let's see what other CDs this guy's got.

23. DMX. Got that.

24. Dave Matthews Band. Pass.

25. Hm, I've ever seen this one before.

26. Uh, it's pretty good.

27. I mean, you'll hate it at first, but it grows on you.

28. Especially track two.

29. Track t— You know the tracks?

30. What? No. Shut up.

31. Should I toss it? No! No.

32. I mean, keep it or not. I don't care. Whatever.

33. You know, we're not far from Topeka.

34. I can walk the rest of the way.

35. If you leave now, you can probably make it

36. to New Chicago by nightfall.

37. A milkman's job is never done

38. until his package is safely delivered

39. to its final destination.

40. And I'm sure your brother would have wanted that.

41. Besides, you think I'd come this far

42. and not see the fabled Topeka for myself?

43. Fine.

44. If you're dead set on it,

45. how about one for the road?

46. It was close.

47. You gotta follow through.

48. Like this.

49. That's what I'm doing.

50. Like this.

51. Here.

52. To the end of our road together.

53. Mmm,

54. now you're just showing off.

55. Sorry, John.

56. I can't have you coming with me.

57. Sweet Dreams.

58. Loquacious.

59. Boy, you're a loquacious lad, aren't you?

60. Fuck.

61. Come in!

62. Jamie, Carl, how's the search going?

63. We have yet to find the Mapmaker,

64. but we think we're close.

65. I'm talking about the Milkman

66. and the four-fingered girl. Where are they?

67. Uh, there's been no sign of them

68. since they vacated the dam.

69. When they pop up, we'll be ready.

70. Pop up?

71. Hmm.

72. So, pop up.

73. Pop up.

74. These two lawbreakers

75. ran rip-shod through my largest outpost.

76. They killed my second in command,

77. beat his brains in.

78. And you're waiting for them to pop up?

79. Are they pieces of bread, Roberts?

80. Are we making fucking toast here?

81. Sir, what Carl meant was that—

82. Shut the fuck up.

83. They defied the law, and they defied me.

84. Now get out there and look for them harder

85. than if you were checking your lover for body lice.

86. That's actually my sister, sir.

87. We have the same— I know what a sister is!

88. Look, I want their bodies hung from the rotunda

89. by this weekend.

90. Provide the people of Topeka

91. with some light Friday night entertainment.

92. What do you say? Yes, sir.

93. Okay.

94. Fuck off.

95. Well, you look like a man

96. who values top-shelf entertainment.

97. Want to see a show?

98. I don't care about your show.

99. I need to see your ORL. Now.

100. My ORL.

101. "ORL" what?

102. I'll bring you in.

103. I think...

104. I'll bring myself in.

105. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

106. I've really enjoyed this conversation,

107. but let's pull a pin in it, shall we?

108. Now, don't go touching that grenade.

109. Very sensitive.

110. Hope you got some friends inside

111. who appreciate the arts.

112. Did you hear how they found Shepard? He killed himself, right?

113. Shit's messed up, man. No.

114. I heard a new recruit found him half naked,

115. hand on his pecker, head busted to shit

116. with a sexy schoolgirl comic book next to him.

117. That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard.

118. Right?

119. So Shepard was a sex pervert?

120. I mean, I kind of see it. I do.

121. Let's eat.

122. Oh, fuck me. Ham again.

123. I'll eat that shit.

124. What kind of side you got?

125. Got any chips or puffy Cheetos?

126. Hey, don't you worry about my sides.

127. I will. I'll trade you.

128. I'm not eating those peanuts.

129. They're nasty.

130. Patrol vehicle approaching outer gate.

131. Car 22 is approved.

132. "Pick up after your pet"?

133. Jesus.

134. Damn, dude, this place is fucked up.

135. Who would do that to a dog?

136. Separating a dog from his best friend.

137. It's kind of like me and you. I mean—

138. I mean, you were my best friend.

139. Not that I'm calling you a dog or nothing.

140. You know, you can be a mean bitch

141. when you want to be

142. with, you know, throats and shit.

143. That why we're here, little bunny?

144. You gonna rip some throats?

145. Nah, I think you're gonna end up

146. just like me.

147. Now serving C42.

148. Number's almost up, traitor.

149. Don't worry.

150. Something tells me you'll fall fast.

151. First of all, weight doesn't equate to health.

152. Second, objects fall at the same speed

153. regardless of mass.

154. Everyone knows that, except you dipshits.

155. You're actually talking about terminal velocity,

156. which doesn't apply.

157. And if you take into account air friction—

158. Muh-muh-muh... Kelvin? What is it?

159. Machete.

160. Hi, everybody!

161. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't leave me.

162. Woman's body!

163. I hate cops.

164. Oh, what the fuck?

165. And, scene.

166. So, did you like it or what?

167. Oh, wow, applause. Thank you.

168. You are too kind. That really feels good.

169. I've never seen anyone cut off a human head

170. and catch it as good as that.

171. Oh, yeah.

172. Oh, yeah.

173. Oh, yeah. Oh.

174. Oh, yeah. Oh.

175. What brought you here, young man?

176. "Oh, I just want to get out of the scene."

177. Yeah, Topeka's going to the dogs.

178. You nasty motherfucker.

179. Down goes the zippee. Yippee!

180. Ooh.

181. Can I keep you?

182. Oh, shit! It's alive! Oh!

183. Where's the girl? I didn't see no girl.

184. I just saw you laying out here all dead like,

185. practically begging for it.

186. Maybe I'll just put you back to sleep.

187. Oh.

188. You looking for this?

189. Oh, shit!

190. Ah!

191. You missed!

192. Shit!

193. Nah nah, nah nah, nah nah!

194. Guess that worked.

195. Quiet?

196. Jesus.

197. Dear Jon—

198. What kind of psychopath spells John without an "H"?

199. Sorry for poisoning you.

200. Oh, I hope I didn't accidentally kill you,

201. but I did it to save your life.

202. The truth is, Topeka isn't what I said it was.

203. It's Stone's headquarters.

204. Killing Shepard wasn't enough.

205. Oh, by the way, I killed Shepard at the dam.

206. He was jerking off. It was a whole thing.

207. Didn't need that detail.

208. At least you didn't have to see it.

209. Now that we're here,

210. I gotta make sure Stone pays for what he did.

211. I would have helped you if you just told me.

212. I would have told you, but this isn't your fight.

213. Don't follow me.

214. Finish your delivery and live your new life.

215. Be the first milkman without an expiration date.

216. Good luck.

217. That's actually pretty sweet.

218. And go fuck yourself.

219. Of course.

220. I guess that's it then.

221. Jell-O, Quiet,

222. whatever the hell your name was.

223. Dude, what do you think they're gonna do to you

224. when they catch your ass?

225. They're gonna kill you.

226. They always said you were the smart one,

227. but, man, I don't know.

228. If this was my idea,

229. you'd call me a goose-brained dunder fuck.

230. Oh, my God, will you shut the hell up?

231. Ha! Like that works.

232. I thought you knew your brother better than that.

233. You're not my brother. You're just my imagination.

234. You got a fucked up imagination.

235. You gave me the bullet hole and everything.

236. Is this how you really remember me?

237. Ah, dope, right?

238. But imagine me, like, two feet taller and ripped.

239. But not, like, too swole, just enough to show definition.

240. Fuck off! You fucking miss this.

241. I do.

242. Same.

243. I mean, being dead is a total buzzkill.

244. At least you have the Milkman.

245. Oh, John was a giant pain in my crack.

246. Dude, I'm literally inside your brain,

247. and I know that's not what you really think.

248. I mean, I know you've seen him with his shirt off.

249. Nice back, huh?

250. What?

251. God forbid you feel anything other

252. than explosive rage for a second.

253. You died five days ago.

254. The rage is hard to ignore.

255. No fucking way.

256. It's a dumb statue. Forget it.

257. Forget it? They think he's a fucking hero.

258. Who gives a fuck what they think?

259. Officer.

260. Your vehicle's assigned to patrol duty.

261. Why are you idling?

262. You've got to say something.

263. Silence will get you killed here, little bunny.

264. Oh, I was just admiring our boss, ma'am.

265. Yeah.

266. I don't, uh, recognise your face, officer.

267. Are you new?

268. Transferred recently.

269. Hmm.

270. She's on to you. You've got to leave now.

271. Fuck!

272. Holy fuck.

273. You're not getting out of here alive,

274. you fucking traitor!

275. Need a hand?

276. Oh, I found this one lying around,

277. so you'll have to get your own.

278. Thank you.

279. Ah, don't mention it. I really enjoy my work.

280. Hey, hold this.

281. Okay.

282. And I'm gonna be back for that.

283. Hmm-boop!

284. So, uh, what's your name?

285. Stu.

286. Stu. I like the mouthfeel of that.

287. Stu.

288. I'm Sweet Tooth.

289. Put her there!

290. Nice to meet you, Mister, uh, Tooth.

291. Firm grip you got there, Stu.

292. Bet you have a lot of fun with that.

293. You know, Stu, I got a feeling you and I are kindred spirits.

294. You think we're a lot alike?

295. You bet I do. In, uh, in what way?

296. I mean, you're a big guy, I'm a big guy.

297. Your name starts with "S", my name starts with "S".

298. The S Brothers, who would have thunk it?

299. Uh, something catch your peepers, Stuber?

300. Yeah.

301. I found Mike... and Ikes.

302. You want some?

303. Ooh, yucky.

304. I'm a Skittles guy.

305. Let's haul ass, Evelyn.

306. Make up some time.

307. Five flatheads on one lure?

308. Just a basic spooner.

309. Best day of my life.

310. They were really bitin' that day.

311. Best day of my life is gonna be

312. when I complete my collection of state quarters.

313. The world went to shit before I could find Idaho.

314. But you know what? I'll get there.

315. The Union will be complete.

316. Finished.

317. I think the spot's still there, Cliff.

318. Oh, there it is.

319. Agent Stone, come in, Agent Stone.

320. We have a 146A. Be right back.

321. A woman with a missing finger, sir.

322. What about the milkman?

323. She's alone.

324. We have two patrol cars on her tail.

325. Don't worry, we'll bring you her teeth.

326. Oh, Carl. No, do not engage.

327. It's time I made an example of her myself.

328. You're caught! You gotta fucking bail.

329. No, I can't leave until Stone is dead.

330. The only one dead is you

331. if you don't leave this fucking place.

332. When I died, I gave you a second chance.

333. And you're throwing it away.

334. You're right.

335. Fuck this shit!

336. That's right!

337. That's the fuck what I'm talking about!

338. Come on!

339. Guard 22.

340. Come in, please.

341. What happened to your loquacious boyfriend?

342. Did he bite the dust?

343. I have people in position to kill you right now,

344. but I think I'm gonna give you a choice.

345. Although, you remember how that went last time?

346. You can run, in which case

347. we'll hunt you down like a dog.

348. Or, you and I can get together

349. and have a little chat.

350. Turn around

351. and we can finally settle this one on one.

352. Sis,

353. you don't have to do this.

354. Shut up.

355. Haha, good.

356. My men will show you the way.

357. I look forward to seeing you.

358. Aww, you remembered. Thanks, Stuby.

359. So, where are you off to now that you're a free man?

360. Honestly, uh, not sure.

361. After Seattle, my friend and I

362. were looking for a place of our own.

363. A Shangri-La, you know?

364. Absolutely.

365. But, uh, then when I got here,

366. he, uh, threw me under the bus.

367. Oh, I've done that before. Crunch!

368. Never to a friend. I'm not a monster.

369. Listen, uh, what you did today,

370. saving me like that,

371. it's, uh, it's the first time in a while

372. anyone's had my back. So, uh, thanks.

373. Well, hell, I mean, you're a reject, I'm a reject,

374. we got to look out for each other.

375. I mean, you are about to head out into a dangerous world

376. where there are two types of people,

377. those who kill and those who get killed.

378. I know you're no wolf,

379. but there is gonna come a time

380. when you're gonna need to bite.

381. And even puppies have fangs, Stu.

382. That sort of thing is just hard for me, I guess.

383. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

384. Oh, well, I mean, maybe you could,

385. I don't know, but, tag along with me,

386. and I could help you find your fangs.

387. Yeah.

388. You know what? What the hell?

389. You mean it? Yeah.

390. Fuck yes! Get in there.

391. Aww, the S Brothers, gonna paint the town red.

392. Whoa, you sit bitch,

393. Harold's got shotgun.

394. Sorry.

395. So, where are we off to next?

396. Well, I'm not really sure.

397. I mean, it felt so freeing,

398. ripping into those law assholes.

399. And the applause.

400. Nobody ever cheered for me like that in Vegas.

401. You know, if you want to chase that feeling,

402. there are outposts like this

403. all up and down these routes

404. and all through the Midwest.

405. Each one of them is filled with captives just like me,

406. waiting to get set free.

407. You save 'em and boom,

408. you have fans for life.

409. Hmm. Fans for life.

410. Oh, I like that.

411. I don't, um, I don't really have room for all you guys,

412. so maybe you should carpool.

413. Fall back; she's mine.

414. Welcome to Thrills and Spills Park.

415. I came here every weekend growing up.

416. Got my first pickle tickle on the Ferris wheel.

417. But you know what my favourite was?

418. The Midway, because I love games.

419. Don't you?

420. Gotcha.

421. Peekaboo.

422. Say goodbye.

423. Fuck!

424. Where do you think you're going?

425. Shit!

426. Miss me, mute?

427. Fuck.

428. See you soon, dude.

429. What the fuck?

430. You look pissed.

431. Damn right, I'm pissed. I only had one of those.

432. I told you not to come.

433. And when have I ever listened to you?

434. Come on, we gotta go.

435. Quiet? Quiet!

436. Quiet, come on!

437. No.

438. Come on, Quiet.

439. Quiet.

440. Come on. Come on.

441. Come on. Quiet!