Twisted Metal 1x4

1. Jesus!

2. If you're tired, just pull over.

3. Look, I'm on a schedule.

4. Besides, it'd be a lot easier

5. if I didn't have to sit here in complete silence.

6. Knock-knock.

7. What are you doing? I'm telling a joke.

8. I say, "Knock-knock." You say, "Who's there?"

9. So, I should already know the joke before you tell it?

10. That's idiotic. It's a classic joke structure

11. with a little audience participation.

12. I say, "Knock-knock." You say, "Who's there?"

13. I say somethin' like, "Orange." You say, "Orange who?"

14. Then I hit you with the punch line.

15. Why the fuck am I talking to an orange?

16. Why are you making this so hard?

17. Just say, "Who's there?"

18. Ready?

19. Knock-knock.

20. Do you hear that? Yes, it's me knocking.

21. Wait. I hear it, too.

22. Hold on. Activating stealth mode.

23. Oh, shit! They have stealth mode, too!

24. What the hell?

25. Just turn around.

26. I can't. They're everywhere.

27. Oh, my god.

28. Move! Oh, my god!

29. Fuck! Fuck! Move! Move!

30. Shoot them. With what?

31. The law stripped Evelyn back down to factory settings.

32. Oh, I guess they missed that one.

33. Hey, don't waste my shells.

34. I only have four of them.

35. Shooting a steel door, smart. Now, I only have three.

36. Go faster! Go faster! Okay! Okay!

37. Oh, no, no, no! Go slower! Go slower!

38. Make up your mind!

39. Whoa!

40. Hey! You'll get it back

41. when you act mature enough to handle it.

42. Okay, dad.

43. Come on out, milkman!

44. We ain't gonna hurt you.

45. Yeah, right. Huh. Fell for that before.

46. You have?

47. You know, if we wanted to,

48. you'd be dead already.

49. Look, I swear,

50. I swear on granny's steering wheel

51. no harm is gonna come to you.

52. We just— we wanna flap lips.

53. I don't even know what that means.

54. But fine. We're comin' out.

55. I'm sorry that we-we snatched ya up

56. the way that we did,

57. but I saw that placard on your rump,

58. and I was like, we gotta talk.

59. I'm Watts. I run these rigs.

60. John. This is Quiet. She don't talk.

61. Motherfucker, eat shit. Much.

62. Hello. Hey.

63. My blood missiles?

64. Honey, those are outside your weight class.

65. Oh, she's a beaut.

66. Hmm.

67. Did you install this limited slip differential yourself?

68. Sure did. Got it off of a— It's backwards.

69. Wow, did you invite me here to insult me or to talk?

70. Yeah, it's not really me who wants a word.

71. Lock it up.

72. Whoa. Whoa!

73. Come on.

74. Welcome to convoy.

75. Wow! Okay, I'm impressed.

76. Our founders drove these semis

77. when the walls went up.

78. Figure we'd better keep movin' than be sittin' ducks.

79. No offense, Bella.

80. That's a chicken. No, it's not.

81. And now, our little family is around about 30 rigs all told.

82. And you never stop.

83. How the hell do you fuel up?

84. Oh, nothing goes to waste, even our waste.

85. You see, we take our doodies

86. and turn 'em into fuel. Yeah, we get it.

87. Somethin' tells me I don't wanna taste your lemonade either.

88. Okay, I'm gonna have to ask y'all to stay here.

89. Feel free to look around.

90. I need a lift to the sleeper car.

91. So, how'd you lose yours?

92. Metal shear? Angle grinder?

93. Oh, somethin' worse.

94. It's fine. Oh, hmm.

95. Well, uh, let me see what I got here.

96. Oh, this oughta fit. I can't pay.

97. Not lookin' for pay.

98. Just think you could shine a bit more, if you want.

99. Mm-hmm. That's it.

100. Thanks.

101. Don't get it wet.

102. Hey, she's here.

103. Someone there?

104. I brought you to the milkman, granny.

105. Hey, I'd get up and shake your hands,

106. but my get away sticks ain't what they used to be.

107. Granny,

108. your air tubes go to nowhere.

109. Well, shit.

110. I thought I had ya.

111. This Goddamn metal bar keeps stickin' in my ass.

112. Uh, uh, hey, be careful with that.

113. Took me ages to write, and I only got the one copy.

114. You did that while driving?

115. Sometimes you gotta throw it in reverse.

116. Listen, milkman, I know I don't look it,

117. but my insides look like a seven car pileup.

118. I need you to go pick up some medicine for me.

119. You want me to make a run for free?

120. You're up to your asshole in drivers.

121. Ask one of them.

122. Can't afford to lose any of them.

123. The last milkman never came back.

124. The roads are rough these days with the vultures,

125. the lawmen, the holy men.

126. Don't love the sound of that last one.

127. Look, I don't have time for scenic detours.

128. I have a very important delivery,

129. and I got a long way still to go.

130. I heard your ride

131. is as naked as a baby on its birthday.

132. You ain't gonna get far, you can't defend yourself.

133. Well, let me make it plain.

134. You do this run for me,

135. I'll will saddle you up

136. with all the upgrades we can supply.

137. We will weld on some guns, right now.

138. Get the rest when you get back.

139. Deal?

140. Only if I get those red missiley things.

141. Mnh-mnh. My blood missiles— they ain't for sale.

142. You can have one.

143. What, granny? Come on. Three.

144. Two. Twenty.

145. Zero. Zero.

146. Okay. One it is.

147. Done.

148. Pickup is at our pharmacist's.

149. I'll write ya up some directions.

150. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

151. You didn't tell me that he's going to see her.

152. Where'd you think he was goin'?

153. Watts and the pharmacist had a bit of a falling out.

154. Falling out?

155. No, I pushed her out of a truck.

156. Honey, go weld somethin'.

157. I am. I'm gonna weld somethin'.

158. I'm gonna weld some guns to your fucking Subaru.

159. You fuckin' son of a bitch.

160. What about Topeka?

161. Did you miss the fact

162. that a semi swallowed us up like a fuckin' whale?

163. Now, the only way I'm making it back to Chicago,

164. is if Evelyn is armed to the teeth,

165. and now she's just gums.

166. So, chill.

167. I'll be back tomorrow.

168. Oh, no, no, no.

169. I'm coming with you. Like hell you are.

170. This is milkman business, and you're not a milkman.

171. If you die out there,

172. I'm stuck here with horndog granny.

173. Look, I'm not gonna die. I give you my word.

174. I'm coming with you. Fine.

175. I don't know how to get outta here.

176. "Three clicks past

177. the oak of eight branches." What are these?

178. Directions to a pharmacist or to a hidden treasure?

179. Why couldn't she just say, "Turn left?"

180. So, what do you think happened

181. between Watts and the pharmacist?

182. Don't know. Don't care.

183. Oh, cool.

184. See you got a new finger to go with your robotic personality.

185. I bet that was those holy men guys.

186. Oh, you think?

187. Bad way to go.

188. I've seen worse.

189. Deskinned by butchers.

190. Crushed to death by monster trucks.

191. That's plural.

192. I knew a milkman that fell asleep on an anthill,

193. and those little shits ate 'em alive from the insides out.

194. Poor bastard betrayed by his butthole.

195. Sounds like milkmen don't live long.

196. Oh, we don't.

197. You know, when I joined up to be a milkman,

198. I was skin and bones.

199. You could play my ribcage like a xylophone.

200. I joined up to survive.

201. I make my run. I kill some vultures.

202. I do whatever I have to to see another sunrise.

203. You know what they told me

204. when they gave me this milkman I.D.?

205. Why would I know that? I wasn't there.

206. Look you're messing up the story.

207. They told me milkmen don't die old.

208. But if I deliver this package to New San Francisco,

209. I might be the first.

210. You hear those bells?

211. Holy men.

212. Good thing they sound far away. Let's haul ass.

213. Hello?

214. Anybody in there?

215. Um, hi.

216. We're here on, uh, behalf of the convoy.

217. You're the pharmacist?

218. No, I'm Amber.

219. Tea? It's gelsemium elegans. I cut it this morning.

220. Oh, you look so thirsty.

221. I am.

222. The sun isn't holding back today,

223. are you, you big yellow bastard?

224. Bastard.

225. Oh.

226. So, you have refreshments.

227. And I have questions.

228. Quiet, what the fuck?

229. Oh, save your strength.

230. You won't be able to move for a little while.

231. I'll be done before then.

232. I knew this pickup was a bad idea.

233. Quiet, get my gun.

234. Oh.

235. So, why did you kill the convoy's milkman?

236. No, I didn't.

237. Mnh-mnh-mnh.

238. I didn't. I'm a replacement.

239. You can check my milkman placard?

240. This is my friend, dendrocnide moriodes.

241. His nickname is Mr. Gympie-Gympie.

242. The nettle so nice they named him twice.

243. He's not so nice when you touch him, though.

244. I've heard it's like licking a live wire,

245. or taking an acid shower, or going into cardiac arrest.

246. I wonder what it'll feel like for you.

247. No.

248. All I hear is buzzing,

249. Aah!

250. but you aren't a helpful little bee, are you?

251. You're a locust, a holy man,

252. reveling and eating and killing and fucking.

253. Thankfully, I am a firm believer in the power of recycling.

254. Granny, she's sick.

255. Okay.

256. No, no, no, no, no. It's true.

257. The medicine is for her. You don't believe me,

258. you can look in my pocket, right there.

259. What are you—

260. Open.

261. Chew.

262. Okay, good.

263. Sorry I thought you were holy men.

264. They're on pilgrimage, and they're everywhere.

265. I wouldn't.

266. Mr. conium maculatum here would love a chance

267. to knock you on your tushy.

268. Man, fuck this place.

269. So, here is the medicine granny requested but...

270. Are you sure she wanted this?

271. It has no medicinal purpose.

272. Well, it's on the list,

273. so maybe granny just likes flowers.

274. I never gave these to her.

275. Here you go.

276. Is it true somebody threw you out of a moving truck?

277. Only because I poisoned her first.

278. Watts and I have disagreements.

279. Plants need space to spread their roots.

280. She couldn't make room for me,

281. so I found a place

282. where I could have all the space I needed,

283. here, alone.

284. Give my love to Granny.

285. We can take 'em.

286. Nah.

287. Where are we going?

288. They've been behind us for 50 miles,

289. and they're only getting closer.

290. We gotta get off the road.

291. They're gone.

292. I think we're good for the night.

293. Ah!

294. Turtle, turtle...

295. Pfft. I can do that.

296. Let's go find a place to crash.

297. It smell like popcorn and ass in here.

298. Oh, my God, am I the ass?

299. Huh?

300. Solid recliner, huh?

301. A lotta leg room.

302. We could definitely sleep here, right?

303. Wait here.

304. Good news!

305. They have an absolute classic in here!

306. Is this a silent movie?

307. Hello, citizen. Hop on.

308. I'm pretty sure I remember what happens.

309. It doesn't look safe, Blank Man,

310. and why are you drooling?

311. Well, because you're so attractive.

312. Hmm...

313. I don't normally meet citizens of the female persuasion.

314. Oh, no, my shoe!

315. Why was I cursed with such tiny feet?

316. It's your line. Oh, right.

317. I have to say, I like when you grab me like that.

318. How dare you objectify me?

319. Oh, no, that's right. I gotta keep it PG-13.

320. Yeah, you'd need a map to know where to put it, anyway.

321. Do this a lot?

322. Only when I'm waiting for a storm to pass

323. or in between runs, I'll check out a flick.

324. I like the action ones.

325. Feels good to watch somebody else

326. get shot at for once, you know?

327. You like the movies?

328. Mmm...

329. We weren't allowed to watch them.

330. What? Let me in on the joke.

331. Okay.

332. One time, my brother snuck us into a theatre

333. when nobody was looking.

334. Rebel. How was it?

335. The movie? I don't remember.

336. It was with two cowboys fighting a mechanical spider.

337. Love that.

338. All I remember, is how hard my brother laughed.

339. He had a great laugh.

340. It sounded like a chainsaw.

341. He sounds annoyin'. He was.

342. He was so annoying.

343. He was so annoying.

344. It was so cold in the theatre.

345. He let me wear his jacket.

346. He never let me wear it.

347. And now it's all I got.

348. What? Oh, nothin'.

349. It's just the first time we've talked without a "motherfucker"

350. or a "fuck you" slipping in there.

351. Fuck you, motherfucker. That's better.

352. Who is this guy? Oh, this is the best part.

353. So, do you wanna play Michael "The Suit" Minnelli?

354. Ahh, look how thin my moustache is!

355. I'm coming to get you, Minnelli,

356. no matter what you say.

357. You'll never catch me!

358. I'm gonna sweat through this satin set of pyjamas.

359. Oh!

360. Uh, hey, they have running water,

361. so I figured, you know, laundry day.

362. Stop! What? What's wrong?

363. I didn't ask you to do that.

364. Didn't you hear what I said last night?

365. Yes, you said it was all you had,

366. so I tried to clean it.

367. I was trying to do somethin' nice.

368. You washed it!

369. There's nothing left. There's none of him left!

370. I didn't even get to say goodbye, but I had this.

371. Look, I'm no bloodiologist,

372. but I'm pretty sure it wasn't just your brother's blood on it!

373. This is gonna be a fun ride back.

374. Oh, come on. You're still not talkin' to me?

375. Hey, let me guess. Amber poisoned you.

376. What'd she use? She use pink or purple?

377. The yellow.

378. Oh, that-that one really sucks.

379. Yeah.

380. Thanks for making the run.

381. I'm sure you're looking forward to giving that to granny,

382. so she can live a long, horny life.

383. This won't save granny.

384. Nothing will.

385. This is to make granny more comfortable as she passes on.

386. Mmm.

387. Ugh!

388. Even with the flower in it, it still tastes like piss.

389. I thought we were helping you.

390. No. I got one gas pedal in the grave.

391. Ain't nothin' gonna happen now.

392. I don't understand. You're just gonna give up?

393. Kid, you and I both know

394. that most people in this world,

395. they-they don't have the luxury of going quietly.

396. Everybody else goes loud—

397. car crashes, gunfire.

398. I heard about one unlucky son of a bitch

399. got swallowed up by ants.

400. Nah.

401. This way, I get to go on my own terms,

402. and I get to do somethin' rare.

403. I get to say goodbye to the people I love.

404. Milkman, you gave me a gift.

405. You will be paid in full.

406. And as for you...

407. I want you to have a little somethin'.

408. Check out page 22, the drive-thru.

409. Jesus Christ. You're welcome.

410. Now, scram.

411. I am the last of the old timers.

412. You're taking the wheel now, Watts.

413. So, let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice.

414. The only thing more-more precious than—

415. than gas, food, porno, water,

416. is time,

417. time with the people you care about.

418. Mnh-mnh.

419. Don't let some dumb bullshit

420. take that time away from you.

421. Granny, you know, I—

422. Oh, no. No, kid. I know. Now, go.

423. You're gettin' saltwater on my leather upholstery.

424. See ya soon, Fang.

425. We lost a good driver today.

426. Most of you knew her as a founder,

427. our matriarch,

428. but the people who feared her out on those roads,

429. they called her Granny Dread.

430. Yeah.

431. This Beamer, this was her pride and joy.

432. I mean, this was her ride when the world fell.

433. Back then, she was Cathy Stropton,

434. the top selling real estate agent in Boca Raton,

435. a RE/MAX diamond club member ten years in a row.

436. She was a goddamn legend.

437. We wouldn't be here without her,

438. and we— we will miss her.

439. Phew.

440. Let's stack them eights, granny.

441. Stack them eights.

442. I guess that was it.

443. Maybe we should leave or...

444. Oh, shit!

445. Yeah!

446. Twister to flower power.

447. Come in, Flower Power.

448. This is Flower Power.

449. I didn't think I'd hear your voice again, Amber.

450. Didn't think you wanted to.

451. I'm sorry about granny.

452. I'm sorry, too,

453. but I'm-I'm more sorry that I-I pushed you away.

454. I miss you, too, hon.

455. Oh, yeah?

456. You do?

457. Lucky number 17.

458. I knew you could do it!

459. I brought you a whiskey and Tang.

460. So, about the jacket, um...

461. I mean, I thought...

462. I-I mean, I heard what you said.

463. I wasn't thinking. I just—

464. Get to the point.

465. I'm sorry.

466. You ever think about staying?

467. I mean, the convoy is exactly what you and your brother

468. were looking for, safe, secure.

469. It's a city,

470. just with wheels instead of walls.

471. Maybe if things were different.

472. How about you?

473. They offered.

474. Oh. Mm-hmm.

475. Not gonna lie. It sounded cushy,

476. but I'd still be a milkman.

477. I don't want that. I wanna get old.

478. Die an uneventful death.

479. There's no such thing.

480. Jesus. Maybe if you'd stop blasting the heat,

481. you'd stop falling asleep.

482. I don't like to drive cold.

483. Hey, Quiet. Knock-knock.

484. Who's there?