Twisted Metal 1x3

1. Oh, my God.

2. That's hot.

3. If my mom weren't such a stupid bitch, I'd do it, too.

4. At least she's good for one thing.

5. No way.

6. Oh, my God, I've been dying for a ciggy all day.

7. Me, too. I heard Gwyneth Paltrow smokes, like, two packs a day.

8. Oh, my God.

9. Hello, there, ladies.

10. I saw that.

11. I get it.

12. You wanna be adults, and that makes sense,

13. two beautiful young women.

14. Ugh! Sketchy much?

15. No, I was just giving you a compliment.

16. Okay, perv,

17. you're old enough to be my dad.

18. Eww.

19. And you're old enough to know the law.

20. Now, give me the cigarettes, and I'll forget about this.

21. Or what? You'll arrest us?

22. I mean, you're just some mall cop.

23. No, I'm-I'm-I'm a member of the Topeka P.D.

24. Oh, ooh.

25. Oh, my God. I'm calling my mom.

26. She's a lawyer.

27. I thought she didn't pass the bar.

28. Shut up, Bianca.

29. What the hell?

30. I knew I should've gotten a Razr.

31. What the fuck? What's going on?

32. Free money! Oh, my God.

33. Oh, hell, yeah!

34. That's for not doing what you're told.

35. Yeah, follow directions!

36. I told you to stay in the car?

37. Strip 'em and zip 'em.

38. I'm gonna take your jacket off, okay?

39. I'll give it back to you when we're all done.

40. And your gloves, too, actually.

41. Stu, you don't have to explain.

42. Just do it. Okay.

43. Let me know if it's too tight.

44. Hands up, please. Stop saying, "Please."

45. Okay, sorry. Hey, there.

46. Oh, yeah, that wound is still fresh, huh?

47. Hmm...

48. So, tell me, tough guy, this your main squeeze,

49. or is this some sort of transactional arrangement?

50. Send 'em down the purple line.

51. You got it, boss.

52. Step down please.

53. Oh, my God. It's a DMV.

54. A what? You have been detained

55. for driving without an open road license.

56. You will now be issued a license.

57. If you decline, you will walk the red line.

58. If you are caught driving without a license again,

59. you will walk the red line.

60. What's down the red line?

61. No, no, wait!

62. Cool, screams.

63. Take 'em away.

64. Have fun, losers.

65. Just to be clear, I fucking hate you.

66. Same.

67. Open, you stupid trunk. Damn.

68. Cocoa butter?

69. Mike, you ever tried cocoa butter?

70. Tried it? Ugh.

71. Come on. Just fuckin'--

72. Huh.

73. Come on.

74. Hey, do-do you think Agent Stone is kinda intense?

75. I do not like it when he smiles.

76. Shepard already gave me the lowdown on Stone, okay?

77. He's a legit hero.

78. Get this, when the fall happened, right,

79. this terrorist group took over this man's hometown.

80. This guy stepped up himself

81. and single handedly annihilated everybody

82. with extreme prejudice.

83. Extreme prejudice, cool.

84. Fuck.

85. Man, you need to fix this shit.

86. Yoo-hoo, Mikey-Mike.

87. Mmm, what's up?

88. I really love the way you tased that twat like...

89. Ahh!

90. Uh-oh. Speaking of twats...

91. What you got there, big guy?

92. You know, you-you can just call me Stu,

93. and it's trash.

94. Well, you know, uh,

95. as Stone says, one man's trash is a—

96. Is what?

97. Oh, Goddamn.

98. Hey, how'd you know that old ratty cop out there,

99. Shepard or whatever?

100. So, we're back to this now?

101. Fine, I can play the quiet game, too.

102. Why won't you talk?

103. Why won't you talk? Why won't you talk?

104. Why won't you talk? Why do you talk so much?

105. Look, this mouth has gotten me out of a lotta sticky situations.

106. Eww. Not like that.

107. I mean, that happened, too.

108. Look, out here, silence can get you killed.

109. Silence has kept me alive. Oh, yeah?

110. So, why'd you tell that cop to eat your ass?

111. Well, hello.

112. It's a mystery how our paths just keep crossing.

113. My men say

114. that you have a darling little voice.

115. I'm excited to hear what comes out of it.

116. You need better fucking friends, dude.

117. Go ahead, drink up.

118. Where we're sitting,

119. there once flowed a powerful river.

120. Then they built this architectural marvel.

121. My father used to bring me here for the tour when I was a child.

122. The tour was a bit dry.

123. Ha!

124. Just a little dam humour for ya.

125. But now, the roads have all become wild rivers,

126. so I'm building my own blockade, a dam, if you will.

127. It runs from Southern Arizona

128. all the way to the Canadian wastes,

129. but the only way through...

130. is here.

131. Wow, cool story.

132. There's been a misunderstanding, all right?

133. I'm not a criminal.

134. I'm a milkman on a delivery.

135. Now I know you got a beef with the girl.

136. Pfft, that ain't got nothin' to do with me, right?

137. I don't give a fuck about your delivery.

138. What I do give a fuck about,

139. is how you would happen to have this.

140. I have spent decades building outposts and checkpoints,

141. but this map manages to avoid damn near every one.

142. I want the name of your cartographer.

143. My carta-ta-my what?

144. Your mapmaker.

145. Oh, no, man. I found that on the side of the road, dude.

146. Come on. You want it, take it.

147. You really think I'm that stupid?

148. No. No, no, no, no, no, not at all.

149. I know how this world works, officer.

150. A little respect, I appreciate that,

151. but for the record, it's Agent.

152. Even better, Agent, uh, Stone.

153. I didn't know this map avoided your routes.

154. I did not know. Now, I do know.

155. So, how about I get one of those licenses I keep hearing so much about,

156. and I go on my merry way?

157. Whoa!

158. Why'd you do that?

159. Oh, that was unnecessary.

160. Couldn't even do it yourself.

161. We'll revisit that attitude in a few hours.

162. Can't wait.

163. Get the name of the mapmaker.

164. One leak could bring the whole dam down.

165. Come on, come on, hurry.

166. Let's go. Get in back.

167. Don't matter if it's legal.

168. That's the last one.

169. Hey, neighbour, need some help?

170. Thanks, Margie.

171. How are you and Rick holding up?

172. Oh, it's scary out there.

173. Looters hit us the other day.

174. We went to the station for help, but...

175. The station burned down. Yeah, bastards torched it on Tuesday.

176. It's every man for himself.

177. Margie, what are you doing?

178. Rick, get in here!

179. Get the gun.

180. Sorry, bro.

181. Check the back for his rifles.

182. Check the cabinets, too!

183. Ain't nothing back here but Juggs!

184. Of what? Of-of water?

185. No, like the magazine,

186. two Gs, big boob porn.

187. Of course, Officer Stone is into big titties.

188. Pig.

189. I got 'em. Let's jet.

190. Why are you guys doing this?

191. Like you said, every man for himself.

192. We're getting out of this city before it all goes up,

193. and you've always been kind of an asshole.

194. Go.

195. Later, Officer.

196. While I give you points for velocity and precision,

197. spit washing his face was a stupid fuckin' idea.

198. I was this close to talking us outta here.

199. Why did you do that?

200. Why didn't you tell him who made your shitty map?

201. That's none of your business.

202. Oh, look at that. You answer your own questions.

203. Yo, you're a pain in my ass.

204. Oh, blow me. You wish.

205. Pfft, not likely.

206. Asshole. Prick.

207. Stone is really counting on us to get this info, man.

208. So, we can't fuck this up, Stu.

209. You say that like I'm gonna fuck it up.

210. All I'm saying is, we gotta go hard, okay?

211. Put your game face on.

212. Now what's our motto?

213. Big, swinging—

214. We got big swinging dicks. Swinging dicks.

215. That's right, and we're in motherfucking charge.

216. Fuck you. Fuck you.

217. What the fuck is that?

218. It's American sign language for big balls.

219. Y'all got saws and shit in there to torture us?

220. Tell us who made that map,

221. and you'll never need to find out.

222. Ooh, you do this a lot.

223. Fill out these forms in triplicate.

224. That's scary.

225. Oh, it will be.

226. Yeah, it will be.

227. So, what if I don't know my DOB?

228. It means date of birth. Okay.

229. So, what if I don't know that either?

230. Turn it on.

231. You're lucky I love this song!

232. Not for long.

233. Louder!

234. Get writing!

235. Why is the pencil so small?

236. That's all we got! Keep writing!

237. N-P-X-T-Z.

238. Now, you.

239. F-U-C-K-U.

240. Eyes look a little dry, don't they?

241. Aww, come on, man. Ahh!

242. No, no, no, no! Oh, God!

243. Sorry. Oh, my God. Ugh!

244. Give us the mapmaker or meet yours.

245. Wait, did you mean

246. you wanna meet the mapmaker or meet your maker?

247. That would have been a cool line,

248. but you fucked it up, player.

249. No! No!

250. That used to be my jam back in the day.

251. So, you have anything you'd like to share?

252. Yeah.

253. I've known the mapmaker for a long time.

254. He's probably the only person on this Earth that I really trust.

255. That's why I'll never tell you his name.

256. You can give me 1,000 more forms to fill out.

257. They're fun.

258. I guess we're just gonna have to send you down the red line then.

259. And you, you must be thrilled.

260. You get to hug your brother, again.

261. To think that he took a bullet for you,

262. and you just threw it away.

263. Shame.

264. Take 'em away.

265. I'll find you.

266. Oh, yeah? Where?

267. In the afterlife?

268. Spooky.

269. Let's go.

270. Listen, if there's more maps out there, we could be compromised.

271. Want me to head to HQ? No.

272. I'll handle it myself.

273. Officer, are you in here?

274. I saw your police car out in the driveway.

275. I cannot help you.

276. These guys, these-these terrorists,

277. they threw me out of my restaurant.

278. Don't you get it? The world is over.

279. That's why we need you.

280. Too bad. I thought you were a cop.

281. B67. That's B67.

282. Guess I'm not gonna finish this job.

283. So, Stone killed your brother, huh?

284. You know, sometimes it's okay to shut the fuck up.

285. I was just—

286. You know what? Never mind, asshole.

287. Stone...

288. He made my brother—

289. He made him shoot himself.

290. That's messed up.

291. Was he your only family?

292. You know, I had a family, too.

293. What a stunning admission.

294. If you let me finish...

295. I was gonna say I don't remember them.

296. Like, my memory...

297. is not that good.

298. And no matter how hard I try, I can't remember 'em.

299. I can't see their faces.

300. So, you were lucky to have as much time

301. with your brother as you did.

302. 'Cause all I have is a burnt photo and feelings.

303. Wow. That is supremely fucked.

304. Yeah, I know.

305. That's why this delivery job for New San Francisco,

306. it was supposed to help me get it back, you know.

307. I mean, not the family, but...

308. the feeling,

309. being a part of somethin'.

310. B68. That's B68.

311. Maybe we should try and kill each other right here for old times sakes.

312. All right, bud, you're up.

313. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

314. You, do it.

315. I'll handle these douche nozzles. Mm-hmm.

316. Hey, listen, Stu. It's Stu, right?

317. I mean, or you go by Stuart?

318. Like, what is your— What do you go by?

319. Sh-shut up.

320. My bad, big man.

321. Big man? Go fuck yourself!

322. You don't think I know what "big man" means

323. or, uh, "papa bear", or "boss,"

324. or "Plus Size Polly," or "Big-titted Timmy,"

325. or, "Hey, you know what who you look like?"

326. Oh, let me guess, fuckin' Bruce Vilanch.

327. I get it. I'm not petite, okay?

328. So, don't patronise me.

329. How would you like to be called, uh, uh—

330. How are you so Goddamn good-lookin'?

331. I mean, his breath smells like shit.

332. Why would you even say that? Oh, God!

333. I can smell it from here.

334. Ugh!

335. Oh, shit.

336. Open it.

337. Open it. Go on.

338. Oh, it's so high! It's so high!

339. It's so high! Oh, God, I fuckin' hate heights!

340. Yeah, I hate fuckin' hate dyin'!

341. Hey, look, we're not gonna jump, man.

342. And I'm not negotiating.

343. This is where the red line ends.

344. Look, Stu, your friend has a cold heart,

345. but I see you, Stu.

346. You're not that guy. You're a good guy.

347. Either you jump...

348. or you fall.

349. Then go ahead and fuckin' shoot us!

350. We're not gonna do your job.

351. Go ahead. Fire away!

352. Blow our fuckin' heads off!

353. Stone played this game with me and my brother, Stu.

354. It's about power!

355. You wanna feel that power? You wanna be like Stone?

356. Then go ahead. Shoot us.

357. But you have to finish the job!

358. Do it! Come on, do it!

359. Do it!

360. If I don't kill you, I'm dead.

361. Not if you're in the car speeding your ass outta here with us, Stu.

362. Fuck.

363. You gonna get a commemorative T-shirt?

364. I thought you were more of a snow globe guy.

365. Do you ever stop talking? No.

366. Come on.

367. Yeah, okay.

368. Keys, keys, keys, right here.

369. Here we go.

370. What do your keys look like? Keys.

371. Okay, how many ridges are on them or teeth?

372. They look like keys.

373. I don't know. It's-it's a key.

374. Please be more specific. I don't know keys.

375. I'm not a locksmith or a keymaster.

376. Got it.

377. Where'd your friend go? Goddamn it, Quiet.

378. Fuck it. We gotta leave her.

379. The terrorists are in there?

380. Yeah, and they're armed.

381. I'll handle this.

382. Shh, be quiet.

383. Why?

384. Hey, come on, honey. Come over here.

385. Hey, who's out there?

386. Freeze in the name of the law!

387. Wait, you are the terrorists?

388. Officer? We had nowhere else to go.

389. The grocery stores were all looted.

390. We only came here to get food for our families,

391. and then the owner freaked out.

392. There's enough snake-sketti and coconut shrimp here to feed hundreds of people.

393. Look, lots of people are struggling, right now,

394. but hunger is not an excuse to break the law.

395. Leave now.

396. Wait, I know you.

397. I see him around here all the time.

398. This dude is a fucking rent-a-cop.

399. Uh, the mall is part of my patrol. I'm a real cop.

400. You don't act like one.

401. Tellin' folks not to double park.

402. Sweating little kids stealing candy.

403. That make you feel like a big, powerful man?

404. I need you to vacate the premises, please.

405. "Vacate the premises, please."

406. Look at you trying to look tough.

407. That uniform barely has a crease in it.

408. Shoes still shiny.

409. How is a pathetic, worthless, pencil dick of a mall cop—

410. I told you! I am a man of the law!

411. Oh, no.

412. You did this! I was here to help!

413. You had to resist! This is your fault!

414. You broke the law!

415. Oh, shit! Sorry, boss.

416. I thought you were already headed to HQ.

417. Where is Stone?

418. I got two stones for you, right here.

419. Oh.

420. Are we flirting now?

421. More like pebbles.

422. I remember what your fuckhead boss said

423. about how if someone tells your story, it lives on forever.

424. You'll be remembered as the guy who died with his dick in his hand.

425. What the fuck did you do, Stu?

426. The prisoners are loose.

427. HQ.

428. Oh, Ev. Oh, what did they do to your beautiful body, baby?

429. Fuck. Damn it!

430. Come on, baby.

431. Which one of you assholes left the dome light on?

432. Uh, who was in the car last? Uh, uh—

433. Get out and push! Okay.

434. Wasn't me.

435. Go! I got it!

436. Stu, you're my hero!

437. We couldn't have did it without you! He's not here.

438. I gotta fix that trunk.

439. Should we go back and get him? Are you shitting me?

440. You're right.

441. Jello, Stu.

442. Mike, they overpowered me.

443. If you ain't with us, you're against us.

444. Did they really have to strip all your guns?

445. That's just mean.

446. They take everything?

447. Yeah, no weapons,

448. which means I'm gonna be clinching my cheeks

449. all the way to New Chicago.

450. Aww, man, they took my cocoa butter.

451. Now, I'm gonna be ashy, too.

452. Look, I need to make up some time,

453. so is there any way I can drop you

454. between here and New Chicago?

455. Yeah, there is.

456. Growing up, my brother, he used to tell me

457. about how before the fall,

458. people lived in cities without walls, without fear.

459. We were trying to get to a place like that.

460. Well, I'm sorry to break the news to you, sister,

461. but all those cities are gone.

462. No, not all of them.

463. There's a sanctuary city in the Midwest.

464. That's where we were headed before...

465. things got fucked.

466. Well, does this sanctuary city have a name?

467. HQ.

468. Topeka.