1. We don't have time
for this.Copy !req
2. You're hurt.
I get it.Copy !req
3. Now, there's a way
out of this.Copy !req
4. Okay?Copy !req
5. This never happened
to me before.Copy !req
6. Really. Man.Copy !req
7. Oh, man.Copy !req
8. Damn it.Copy !req
9. You never get a second chance
to make a first impression.Copy !req
10. You know?Copy !req
11. Hey!
Oh, no, no, no, no! No!Copy !req
12. This time it's loaded.Copy !req
13. Six bullets,
each with your name on itCopy !req
14. if you don't get out
of my car right now!Copy !req
15. That said,
I'm willing to negotiate.Copy !req
16. Oh, I guess Evelyn
doesn't like you very much.Copy !req
17. I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
18. You scooch over,
I'll get you out of this alive.Copy !req
19. But you better
think fast,Copy !req
20. 'cause that ain't
no birthday clown.Copy !req
21. Okay, go!Copy !req
22. Oh, shit.Copy !req
23. Okay, L1, R1, up, down, left,
right, right, down, up.Copy !req
24. All right, Evelyn, we have
nine days to get away
from this clown,Copy !req
25. ditch this psychopathic hitchhiker,Copy !req
26. and make it
to New Chicago.Copy !req
27. Hey, look!
You forgot your seatbelt.Copy !req
28. Argh!Copy !req
29. Here for the show?Copy !req
30. I'm definitely here
for the show!Copy !req
31. Oh, shit!Copy !req
32. You're not
coming to my show?Copy !req
33. Well, then the show
is coming to you!Copy !req
34. Suppertime!Copy !req
35. Stu, I love you,
but this is all your fault.Copy !req
36. How was I supposed to know
the woods would be
crawling with butchers.Copy !req
37. They're talking about
getting us exiled.Copy !req
38. You had to get caught
sleeping on duty!Copy !req
39. Hey!
You were sleeping, too!Copy !req
40. I wasn't the one snoring
like a goat in heat!Copy !req
41. It's called sleep apnea.Copy !req
42. It's a real
medical condition.Copy !req
43. And it would be
a lot more manageableCopy !req
44. if you hadn't traded in
my CPAP machine for porno.Copy !req
45. Well, excuse me for trying
to get you something dope
for your birthday!Copy !req
46. You know what's dope?Copy !req
47. A full eight hours
of sleep.Copy !req
48. Dreaming is dope!Copy !req
49. Francis!Copy !req
50. Why did you season
both meat baths
in teriyaki sauce?Copy !req
51. Francis, we talked about
diversifying flavours.Copy !req
52. Fine! Um...Copy !req
53. Oh, I'll cover the thick one
in lemon pepper.Copy !req
54. No, no!Copy !req
55. Oh, God,
it's so tangy, dude!Copy !req
56. I call dibs
on the man titties.Copy !req
57. Holy cow! Holy cow!Copy !req
58. Clear!Copy !req
59. All clear!Copy !req
60. We don't usually find
the pigs alive
before the luau.Copy !req
61. You can cut 'em loose.Copy !req
62. Butchers!Copy !req
63. They'd rather eat the flesh
of their own kind than starve.Copy !req
64. You guys are guards?Copy !req
65. We, uh... We used to be.Copy !req
66. Uh, Mike and I were...
On a scouting missionCopy !req
67. from Seattle
looking for trading routes.Copy !req
68. Our car broke down
and the next thing you knowCopy !req
69. we're getting grabbed
by these assholes.Copy !req
70. We're always on the lookout
for upstanding citizens.Copy !req
71. I'll give you guys
a choice.Copy !req
72. You can try and make
your way back up northCopy !req
73. where it can be
pretty dicey,Copy !req
74. or if you can
take the grit,Copy !req
75. join us in bringing
law and orderCopy !req
76. back to the Divided States
of America.Copy !req
77. What do you say?Copy !req
78. Come on.Copy !req
79. Sweet.
All right.Copy !req
80. Welcome to the law, huh?Copy !req
81. Yeah!Copy !req
82. You guys.
Don't go dying on us.Copy !req
83. I can't believeCopy !req
84. I already got
a flat tire.Copy !req
85. Way to go, John.
Way to go.Copy !req
86. Hey, silent
but not very deadly,Copy !req
87. you gonna come over here
and help me with this?Copy !req
88. Don't shush me!
You come over here
and help me with the tire.Copy !req
89. I'm gonna handle this shit.
Watch my back.Copy !req
90. Ahh!Copy !req
91. Ah, shit. Ahh!Copy !req
92. You can hide...Copy !req
93. but I have ways
to find you.Copy !req
94. Marco! Marco!Copy !req
95. I'll be right back, Evelyn.Copy !req
96. I'll get us outta here.Copy !req
97. Marco!Copy !req
98. Damn!
That usually works.Copy !req
99. Huh?Copy !req
100. Shh.Copy !req
101. Oh, shit.Copy !req
102. Marco.Copy !req
103. Polo?Copy !req
104. Well, hi there!Copy !req
105. Oh, that tickled.Copy !req
106. You know, my dad always
wanted to play catch,Copy !req
107. but he could never
catch a ball.Copy !req
108. He could catch a bullet.Copy !req
109. Why are you scurrying away,
little squirrel?Copy !req
110. Looking for a nut?Copy !req
111. This is gonna be fun!
Machete!Copy !req
112. Huh, swung
a little wide there.Copy !req
113. Well, aren't we
a tall glass of water!Copy !req
114. Me, I'm more of
a Hawaiian punch!Copy !req
115. I'm guessing you don't
fight much outside
of your car now, do you?Copy !req
116. Look, clown, I don't need
four wheels to kick your ass.Copy !req
117. Any chance we could get this
back in the cars?Copy !req
118. How about a little
kill music?Copy !req
119. Do you love
the silver-haired god?Copy !req
120. And don't lie to me.Copy !req
121. Yeah, man.Copy !req
122. Look, I listened to
"Unleash the Dragon"Copy !req
123. so many times
the disc broke.Copy !req
124. I'm not a liar.Copy !req
125. Well, you said you were
coming to my showCopy !req
126. and then you shot at me!Copy !req
127. It was
a misunderstanding.Copy !req
128. I been getting shot at
ever since I can remember.Copy !req
129. It's force of habit,
I guess.Copy !req
130. Sounds like
you have trust issues.Copy !req
131. Yeah, you're not wrong.Copy !req
132. Nice pipes, dude,
I have to say.Copy !req
133. That high note, whoo!
It was perfect.Copy !req
134. Oh, word?Copy !req
135. Yeah, can I go?
I got somewhere to be.Copy !req
136. I thought you said
you were coming to the show!Copy !req
137. Of course, I am.Copy !req
138. Just can I leave
after the show?Copy !req
139. Well, in that case,
tonight is opening night!Copy !req
140. How were your showers?Copy !req
141. Aw, I don't know
the last timeCopy !req
142. I felt hot water
that wasn't my own piss.Copy !req
143. Uh, sir.Copy !req
144. Consider it
your recompenseCopy !req
145. for upholding
law and order.Copy !req
146. Warm showers, warm blankets,
warm meals.Copy !req
147. Oh.
Aw, fuck, mashed potatoes?Copy !req
148. And goddamn,
look at all that gravy!Copy !req
149. I wonder how we can get
one of those punch cards.Copy !req
150. Now, let's proceed
to your initiation.Copy !req
151. Right this way, gentlemen.Copy !req
152. What you see down there
is our supply truck.Copy !req
153. It brings us
important provisions.Copy !req
154. As you can see,
it's broken down.Copy !req
155. That's why
it's not moving.Copy !req
156. What I need for you to do
is to protect that truck.Copy !req
157. From what?Copy !req
158. Seagulls.Copy !req
159. Skittles?
No, I'm good.Copy !req
160. Pre-show jitters.Copy !req
161. Listen, I really appreciate
you coming along willingly.Copy !req
162. Normally I have to drag people
into the theatre
kicking and screaming.Copy !req
163. But word of advice,Copy !req
164. you won't like
what happens if you run.Copy !req
165. What? Oh, him?Copy !req
166. Nah, he was here before.Copy !req
167. Hey, Donald.Copy !req
168. Don't worry,
he can't hear us.Copy !req
169. I love names.
I'm kind of a name guy.Copy !req
170. You know, the right one
can send a shudder
down your spine.Copy !req
171. Wanna know what I go by?Copy !req
172. There's not a person
on the West CoastCopy !req
173. that hasn't heard
of Sweet Tooth.Copy !req
174. See what I mean?Copy !req
175. I mean, you really
feel that in your bones!Copy !req
176. What's your name, friend?Copy !req
177. John Doe.Copy !req
178. Nah, I'll give it a seven.Copy !req
179. Hey, I didn't pick it.Copy !req
180. I don't know what name
I was born with or...Copy !req
181. who I am really.Copy !req
182. Oh, amnesia.
What's your brand?Copy !req
183. Post-traumatic,
transient, dissociative?Copy !req
184. All I know is my first memory
is me waking up in my carCopy !req
185. with blood coming
out of my head.Copy !req
186. Wait, that's
my first memory too!Copy !req
187. My head covered in blood.Copy !req
188. Of course, it was being
pushed out of my mom's
whisker biscuit...Copy !req
189. Whoa!
You remember that?Copy !req
190. Oh, yeah.
I remember everything.Copy !req
191. You should consider
yourself lucky.Copy !req
192. There are some things
I wish I could forget.Copy !req
193. Like the time
I shit my pantsCopy !req
194. in my elementary school
production of "Oklahoma".Copy !req
195. I can still see
the audience's facesCopy !req
196. laughing, mocking.Copy !req
197. Did you know Sisqó's
real name was Mark?Copy !req
198. Oh, a rock.Copy !req
199. Man, what is
wrong with you?Copy !req
200. You holding in a fart
or something?Copy !req
201. If the truck is so important,
why don't they just move it?Copy !req
202. Something doesn't
smell right, man.Copy !req
203. Smells good to me.Copy !req
204. Back in Seattle,
they treated us like morons.Copy !req
205. Now look at us;
we holding.30-cals, dude!Copy !req
206. Come on, baby,
get your head in the game.Copy !req
207. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
208. There you go.
Fuck you!Copy !req
209. Eyes up, boys.Copy !req
210. Those seagulls
lay a fingernail
on our supplies,Copy !req
211. it's open season.Copy !req
212. What the hell?Copy !req
213. Hey, why do you
call 'em seagulls?Copy !req
214. These look like
normal survivors to me.Copy !req
215. What else would you call
a bunch of
fucking trash eaters?Copy !req
216. Dude, are we really
gonna kill these guys?Copy !req
217. There's one left, Stu.
He's all yours.Copy !req
218. Clean it up!Copy !req
219. Melon down.Copy !req
220. I saved your ass.Copy !req
221. Seagulls,
butchers, exiles.Copy !req
222. They see the world
in shades of grey.Copy !req
223. What I need
from you two lawmenCopy !req
224. is to just show them
that there's only two colours
in the world,Copy !req
225. black and blue.Copy !req
226. Now, you missed, Stu.
It can happen to anyone.Copy !req
227. Rookie mistake.Copy !req
228. Hey.Copy !req
229. Don't let it happen again.Copy !req
230. Okay.Copy !req
231. You guys want
some burgers?Copy !req
232. Bubby-baby,
bubby-baby.Copy !req
233. Tip of the teat,
tip of the teat.Copy !req
234. Tip of the teat.Copy !req
235. My marvellous mutterer
makes me mingy on Monday.Copy !req
236. You sleep here?Copy !req
237. What, the penthouse
was booked up?Copy !req
238. Nah, way too much
space up there.Copy !req
239. Nice bidet, though.Copy !req
240. Like taking a shotgun
up the ass.Copy !req
241. No, I sleep here
because it reminds meCopy !req
242. of where I was
before Vegas.Copy !req
243. Back then, I lived with
a real solid group of dudes.Copy !req
244. But then the world took a shit
and I came to Sin City.Copy !req
245. Now that was a party.Copy !req
246. You've been here alone
for over two decades?Copy !req
247. Oh, shit, has it been
that long?Copy !req
248. Look at this guy.Copy !req
249. Hasn't aged a day.
What a beauty.Copy !req
250. Nah, I'm not alone.Copy !req
251. I got Harold,
which, have you—Copy !req
252. You haven't met
Harold yet.Copy !req
253. I'm gonna introduce you.Copy !req
254. This is Harold.Copy !req
255. Been my best friend
since I was a kid.Copy !req
256. You know, my entire life
people have been lying to me.Copy !req
257. Even my fucking parents!Copy !req
258. But, uh, never Harold.Copy !req
259. No, he can't lie to me.
He can't lie to anyone.Copy !req
260. I can see that.Copy !req
261. I don't know what I'd do
without him.Copy !req
262. Look at that smile.Copy !req
263. So, you got a Harold?Copy !req
264. No. I got an Evelyn.Copy !req
265. Oh, that's cute.Copy !req
266. Before I met her,
being alone was all I knew.Copy !req
267. You know, she makes
everything easier,
you know?Copy !req
268. Sometimes I wish I could
make her laugh. Right?Copy !req
269. I have to say
after all this timeCopy !req
270. that's the sound
I miss the most.Copy !req
271. You know
what sound I miss the most?Copy !req
272. The sound of hand meat
clapping together.Copy !req
273. Nothing like that
glorious applause.Copy !req
274. I mean, it's almost better
than, I don't know,Copy !req
275. hearing somebody choking
on their own blood.Copy !req
276. But look at me
getting carried away.Copy !req
277. Good thing that your Evelyn's
got hands, huh?Copy !req
278. She must clap for you
all the time.Copy !req
279. Nah, she doesn't.
She's my car.Copy !req
280. You talk to your car?Copy !req
281. That's weird, man.Copy !req
282. Ah, mwah!
There you are.Copy !req
283. So, if Evelyn's not the girl,
who's she?Copy !req
284. I caught this little pest
crawling through my vents.Copy !req
285. See, I was gonna
starve her.Copy !req
286. Watching the life slowly
drain from their eyes.Copy !req
287. Kind of
my artistic process.Copy !req
288. You know, the last guy
lasted almost four weeks.Copy !req
289. Hey, Wilbur!Copy !req
290. I think she's gonna give you
a run for you money.Copy !req
291. She won't.Copy !req
292. Bubby-baby, bubby-baby.Copy !req
293. Hey, you tried to kill me
every chance you get.Copy !req
294. Why should I
show you mercy?Copy !req
295. Goddamn it!Copy !req
296. Hey, man,
why don't you let her out?Copy !req
297. And why would I do that?
No, no, no, listen.Copy !req
298. What good
is an audience of one?Copy !req
299. Think about
all the meat slappingCopy !req
300. you'll hear
with four hands.Copy !req
301. Ah, that's true.Copy !req
302. I don't often
get feedbackCopy !req
303. from the 18 to 35
female demographic.Copy !req
304. Fine!Copy !req
305. You fish her out
and take a seat.Copy !req
306. Don't worry,
I got a table just for you.Copy !req
307. And what happens
after the show?Copy !req
308. Well, you go on
your merry way.Copy !req
309. Really?Copy !req
310. Well,
if I'm being honest,Copy !req
311. nobody has survived
all three acts.Copy !req
312. Gird your loins!Copy !req
313. Curtains up in ten minutes!Copy !req
314. Tonight, you will be enjoying
white tiger
prepared three ways.Copy !req
315. There's a whole pack of those
milky white assholesCopy !req
316. breeding up on
the fourth floor.Copy !req
317. Anyway, enjoy.Copy !req
318. Bony tit!Copy !req
319. Give me back those keys!
Hey, hey!Copy !req
320. If it wasn't for me,
you would be
a starving corpse right now.Copy !req
321. Listen, neither one of us
made it pretty far on our own.Copy !req
322. So, instead of us trying to—
Holy shit, this steak is good.Copy !req
323. Instead of us trying to stab
each other in the back,Copy !req
324. we should put our heads
together and figure outCopy !req
325. how in the hell we're going
to make it through the show.Copy !req
326. Is any of this
getting through to you?Copy !req
327. Blink twice for yes.Copy !req
328. Cool, we're fucked.Copy !req
329. Tonight, I will be presenting
a one-man play entitledCopy !req
330. "That's In-Room
Entertainment",Copy !req
331. based on the hotel's
in-room entertainment.Copy !req
332. Hi, I'm Debra
from guest services.Copy !req
333. And welcome to Nevada!Copy !req
334. Deep in the heart of Vegas
is the Monte Cristo,Copy !req
335. a veritable oasis
in the sand.Copy !req
336. And don't forget
about our promenade.Copy !req
337. It features
all the latest brandsCopy !req
338. and is just a stone's throw
from the salon.Copy !req
339. Girl, might be time to
take care of those split ends!Copy !req
340. And for all you
lovebirds out there,Copy !req
341. Las Vegas is still
the marriage capital
of the world.Copy !req
342. Time for kisses!Copy !req
343. And you have selected
express checkout.Copy !req
344. Please leave your key
at the drop box
at the front desk.Copy !req
345. And thank you
for staying with us.Copy !req
346. Well, we've come
to the Q&ACopy !req
347. where I ask the Q's
or I kick your A.Copy !req
348. So, now is
the moment of truth.Copy !req
349. What do you think?Copy !req
350. Oh, um...Copy !req
351. I loved it.Copy !req
352. Liar!Copy !req
353. What exactly
did you love about it?Copy !req
354. Uh, your performance!
I was moved!Copy !req
355. What? It was
a tour de force!Copy !req
356. I am gonna tour de force
this machete down your throat!Copy !req
357. If you're not gonna
tell the truth,Copy !req
358. then I'm gonna make you
shut up and bleed.Copy !req
359. It was a fucking
snooze-fest.Copy !req
360. Now you talk?Copy !req
361. What the hell
did you say?Copy !req
362. It sucked.Copy !req
363. Your performance was
dull as dick water
and frankly beneath you.Copy !req
364. And you?Copy !req
365. You agree with her?Copy !req
366. Yes.
I agree with her.Copy !req
367. Come on, man,
it was boring.Copy !req
368. I get it, you've been
here forever, but you did
a play about a hotel!Copy !req
369. But didn't Mark Twain say
you should write what you know?Copy !req
370. Well, Mark Twain's
a dumb-ass.Copy !req
371. You gotta get out
in the world, man.Copy !req
372. Yeah.
Look, trust me,Copy !req
373. you don't want to spend
the rest of your life alone.Copy !req
374. You end up
talking to a car.Copy !req
375. Yeah, like this guy.Copy !req
376. You know what?
You're right.Copy !req
377. I can't wait here
for my audience.Copy !req
378. I need to get out there
and hunt my audience down.Copy !req
379. Oh, no, no,
that's not what I meant.Copy !req
380. No, that's exactly
what you meant.Copy !req
381. I'm gonna get out there,
and I'm gonna
embrace the chaos.Copy !req
382. Who knows,
maybe I'll even fall in love!Copy !req
383. The show is going
on the road!Copy !req
384. That was beautiful, man!Copy !req
385. Well, a night
of firsts.Copy !req
386. My first
honest critique,Copy !req
387. first people I ever let
leave here alive,Copy !req
388. but most importantly,
my first two fans.Copy !req
389. You two.Copy !req
390. I got you a headshot.Copy !req
391. There's an inscription
in that.Copy !req
392. "See you soon."Copy !req
393. I hope not.Copy !req
394. Hey, thanks
for being honest.Copy !req
395. You know, I have
to admit I didn't thinkCopy !req
396. we were gonna make it
out of there alive.Copy !req
397. I mean, it would have been
a lot easierCopy !req
398. if you had piped up
instead of just trying to—Copy !req
399. Oh, come on!
Have you learned nothing?Copy !req
400. What is your problem
anyway?Copy !req
401. I'm trying
to find someone.Copy !req
402. Well, I'm trying
to get somewhere,Copy !req
403. and I lost a hell
of a lot of timeCopy !req
404. watching that
god-awful play.Copy !req
405. If you put the gun down,
I'll drop you offCopy !req
406. as close as I can
to where you're going. Deal?Copy !req
407. Fine.
But I'm keeping the gun.Copy !req
408. No, come on, that one's new.
All right, all right, take it.Copy !req
409. What's your name anyway?Copy !req
410. Okay, I'll start.
Hi, I'm John. You're...Copy !req
411. Bridget?Copy !req
412. Yolanda? Jennifer?Copy !req
413. Okay. So, since you
like to be quiet,Copy !req
414. that's what I'm gonna
call you: Quiet.Copy !req
415. Is that okay, Quiet?
Yep.Copy !req
416. So, you're really not
gonna tell me your name?Copy !req
417. Nope.Copy !req
418. Fine.Copy !req
419. Makes it easier
when I drop your ass offCopy !req
420. in the middle
of nowhere, Quiet.Copy !req
421. Sack up, newbs.Copy !req
422. Got a live one.Copy !req
423. I'll stop the vehicleCopy !req
424. and demand to see
their open road license.Copy !req
425. If they don't got it,
they don't pass.Copy !req
426. What?Copy !req
427. Hey, sorry,
just, uh, one question.Copy !req
428. Where do we bring 'em?Copy !req
429. Oh, and why are we
stopping them?Copy !req
430. And what's
an open road license?Copy !req
431. Is it common at the—
Just get in.Copy !req
432. We learn on the job.
I respect that.Copy !req
433. I've never seen
a checkpointCopy !req
434. that wasn't outside
of a settlement.Copy !req
435. And these guys
aren't on the map.Copy !req
436. So, more delays.Copy !req
437. Let me do
all the talking.Copy !req
438. I deal with these guys
all the time.
I speak their lingo.Copy !req
439. Hey, ORL, please.Copy !req
440. Did you just ask me
for oral?Copy !req
441. Uh, no, sir. ORL.Copy !req
442. Open road license.Copy !req
443. That's an awful acronym.Copy !req
444. Hey, look,
I'm just a milkman.Copy !req
445. I'm just passing through, man.
Come on.Copy !req
446. And you guys look great,
by the way.Copy !req
447. I love your shirts, man.Copy !req
448. What are you, like a club
or a team or something?Copy !req
449. We're officers.
Of the law.Copy !req
450. Ah, angry Black friend.Copy !req
451. Okay.Copy !req
452. Hey, where—
Get back in the car!Copy !req
453. Listen to
your friend!Copy !req
454. Eat my ass,
motherfucker!Copy !req