TV Funhouse 1x8

Directed by Ted May • Sean Lattrell • Bill Berner • David Wachtenheim • Robert Marianetti • Michael Wetterhahn

John Ritter as Narrator (voice) • George Wendt as Self • Kevin Dorff as Dad • Scott Adsit as Professor • Bob Odenkirk as Steffen McTierney

The Anipals ditch the Funhouse to enter the lucrative, glamorous world of laboratory animal testing, as Doug celebrates Chinese New Year's Day and makes fireworks with a panda.

Request examples:

!req TV Funhouse 1x8 [02:32]
!req TV Funhouse 1x8 [TV Funhouse 1x8]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req TV Funhouse 1x8 [10-11]; !req TV Funhouse 1x8 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. HEY EVERYBODY!

2. IT'S CHINESE NEW YEAR'S DAY.

3. AND WHO KNOWS HOW TO CELEBRATE BETTER

4. THAN OUR OLD FRIENDS, THE ANIPALS.

5. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

6. HI... I JUST—

7. WHAT THE HELL DO WE KNOW ABOUT HOW TO CELEBRATE THAT CRAP?

8. I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT—

9. YEAH, YEAH. I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF PRESSURE, OKAY?

10. I GOT A LOT OF T-V TO WATCH!

11. I UNDERSTAND.

12. REGIS, REGIS, REGIS...

13. WHAT A WHORE.

14. CAN WE WATCH THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL?

15. HOJO, YOU JUST WHACKED OFF HALF AN HOUR AGO.

16. BUT IT'S DEER MICE MATING TONIGHT.

17. NOT INTO IT.

18. HEY EVERYBODY, SHUTUP.

19. THE VEAL GUY'S ON.

20. YOU KNOW FRIENDS,

21. ALL IT TAKES IS A FEW THROW PILLOWS TO TURN YOUR PEN

22. FROM CRAMPED, TO COZY.

23. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH BRIGHT COLORS?

24. AFTER ALL, WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE VEAL!

25. LET'S EXPRESS OURSELVES!

26. OKAY, I'VE ALREADY SEEN THIS ONE.

27. HEY FELLAS.

28. WHISKERS! JESUS! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

29. I GOT A SWEET GIG, IS WHAT HAPPENED.

30. LOOK...

31. SO, CLARDELON DID THIS TO YOU?

32. NO, THE ANIMAL RIGHTS PEOPLE DID THIS TO ME.

33. I'M MODELING FOR THEM.

34. WHY WOULDN'T THEY JUST USE REAL PICTURES?

35. SOMETHING ABOUT MERCHANDISING RIGHTS.

36. MODELING? SOUNDS GAY.

37. THEY PAID ME 50 BUCKS!

38. WOW!

39. YEAH! I'M GAY LIKE A FOX.

40. YEAH, BUT THE BIG MONEY IS ON THE INSIDE.

41. YOU KNOW... ACTUALLY BEING TORTURED.

42. YOU'RE RIGHT CHICKIE.

43. IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET INTO THE

44. CLARDELON ANIMAL TESTING PROGRAM,

45. THAT'S WHERE THE HUGE MONEY IS.

46. LET ME SEE THAT.

47. IT SAYS HERE,

48. ANIMALS ARE TESTED DAILY AT THE CLARDELON LAB.

49. OPEN SORE PERFUME TESTS,

50. EYEBALL DEODORANT TOLERANCE TESTS,

51. COLOGNE INGESTION,

52. LIPSTICK PROBES...

53. WHY CAN'T WE GET IN ON THIS?

54. HEY, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

55. YOU PROBABLY GOTTA KNOW SOMEBODY.

56. AIN'T IT THE TRUTH.

57. ELITIST BASTARDS!

58. HEY, I KNOW THIS BAR NEXT TO THE CLARDELON LABS

59. WHERE ALL THE ANIMALS HANG OUT.

60. WHY DON'T WE GO THERE AND TURN ON THE OLD CHARM?

61. WORK YOUR MAGIC.

62. SO YOU SEE,

63. MIRRORS ARE A MUST FOR ADDING SIZE TO YOUR PEN.

64. FLOOR TO CEILING—

65. NO, NO, NO! DO NOT KILL YET!

66. I HAVE TO SHOW THE DRAPES!

67. ZABOO!

68. I'LL GET YOU, TAIL!

69. DON'T YOU WANNA TAKE A BREAK FROM CATCHING YOUR TAIL?

70. ARE YOU INSANE?

71. SO IT CAN GO OUT AND KILL AGAIN?

72. KILL?

73. THE TAIL IS WANTED IN SEVEN STATES...

74. FOR TAX FRAUD, PUBLIC NUDITY

75. AND POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL FIRE ARMS.

76. OH, COME ON!

77. DON'T YOU WAG, YOU SCUM!

78. I KNOW THE TRUTH, TAIL.

79. I'LL PUNCH YOU SO HARD,

80. YOUR KIDS WILL BE BORN DIZZY!

81. OKAY... TAKEY LOOKY THIS.

82. WONDERMAN!

83. WONDERMAN!

84. WONDERMAN, FIGHTING EVIL AS IT COMES.

85. WONDERMAN!

86. WONDERMAN,

87. WHO'S DAYTIME IDENTITY IS THAT OF, HENRY MOORE...

88. FIGHTS A CONSTANT CRUSADE TO STOP CRIME,

89. AND GET HIS ALIAS LAID.

90. WONDERMAN!

91. HELP! WONDERMAN!

92. WONDERMAN!

93. NOW THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR WONDERMAN.

94. OH! THANK GOODNESS.

95. I TRIPPED OVER THIS... THING,

96. AND THEN IT ASKED ME FOR COINS.

97. SAY NO MORE.

98. THANK YOU, WONDERMAN.

99. HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

100. I DON'T FIGHT CRIME FOR MONEY MA'AM...

101. I DO IT TO MAKE THE STREETS SAFE FOR ALL GOOD CITIZENS.

102. UH-OH!

103. WHAT IS IT?

104. YOUR DRESS.

105. WHAT?

106. IT'S STAINED.

107. THAT SIGN WIELDING FIEND.

108. OH, IT'S NOTHING.

109. MAYBE IT'S NOTHING,

110. BUT THAT COULD BE URINE...

111. MOST LIKELY HIS.

112. GOODNESS! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

113. I KNOW A FINE DRY CLEANER, HENRY MOORE.

114. BUT I MUST WARN YOU, HE'S CELIBATE.

115. EXCUSE ME?

116. WELL, I UNDERSTAND YOUR CURIOUSITY,

117. MOST WOMEN ARE

118. WHEN FACED WITH HIS ROGUE-ISH GOOD LOOKS,

119. HERCULEAN PHYSIQUE AND COLOSSAL PACKAGE.

120. WHY DOES THIS CONCERN ME?

121. SINCE HE LOST HIS DEAR MOTHER,

122. HE CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO ACCEPT THE EMBRACE OF ANY WOMAN,

123. THOUGH HE IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF COMFORT.

124. WELL IT IS A NASTY STAIN.

125. THANK YOU, WONDERMAN.

126. MY WORK IS DONE HERE.

127. AWAY!

128. MR. WONG.

129. WONDERMAN!

130. HELLO?

131. OH.

132. ARE YOU OKAY?

133. YES.

134. YES, IT'S JUST YOUR VOICE.

135. FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT YOU WERE—

136. OH NEVERMIND.

137. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

138. WELL, I HAVE THIS STAIN ON MY DRESS.

139. LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

140. FORGIVE ME, I'M DOING SOME LAUNDRY MYSELF.

141. MAMA MAKE IT BETTER?

142. OH YES!

143. WHY, I PRACTICALLY FEEL LIKE WONDERMAN.

144. I TELL YA...

145. THESE ANIMAL RIGHT FANATICS, THEY'RE MOSTLY PEOPLE.

146. THEY SHOULD STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS.

147. WE'VE GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE.

148. OCASSIONALLY, YOU GET THE WACKO ANIMALS...

149. HEY BIX.

150. SAY, IS THAT THE NEW COLOR PERFECT MISTY DAWN EYESHADOW?

151. YES IT IS.

152. OH MY GOD, IT LOOKS GREAT.

153. IT'S HARDLY INFECTING YOUR EYES AT ALL.

154. AW, SHUTUP.

155. SO, CLARDERON TREATS YOU PRETTY GOOD FINANCIALLY, HUH?

156. WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,

157. I WAS BORN IN JERSEY CITY, AND HERE'S WHERE I LIVE NOW.

158. WOW!

159. I HAVE 8 WATCHES.

160. COOL!

161. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

162. HOW DOES IT PAY SO GOOD?

163. HAVE A— HAVE A GOOD UNION.

164. WE DO.

165. IN THE FORTIES,

166. ALL THE SPECIES' UNIONS MERGED INTO ONE.

167. NOWADAYS, IT PAYS WELL.

168. IF YOU TAKE SOME HAIR GEL UP YOUR BUTT... SOME CANCER CELLS.

169. YOU GUYS JUST DROP MY NAME AT CLARDELON...

170. THEY LOVE ME OVER THERE.

171. AW, SWEET! LET'S GO!

172. HOWDY!

173. I MEAN, CHING CHANG!

174. YA KNOW, CHINESE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT,

175. AND THE CHINESE CALENDAR IS DIFFERENT THEN OURS.

176. NOW, CHINESE NEW YEAR USUALLY STARTS IN FEBRUARY.

177. THAT MEANS THAT CHINESE CHRISTMAS IS IN JANUARY.

178. AND CHINESE LINCOLN'S BIRTHDAY IS SOMETIME IN MARCH.

179. AND THE CHINESE DON'T CELEBRATE PASSOVER UNTIL MAY.

180. IT'S FUN TO LEARN.

181. MOMMY! DADDY!

182. LOOK AT MY NEW DRAWING!

183. NOT NOW HONEY.

184. MAYBE LATER, DEAR.

185. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

186. IT'D SURE BE NICE TO HAVE SOME MORE TIME WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD.

187. AND NOW, YOU CAN WITH NURTURE - YOU MOM AND DAD.

188. MOMMY! DADDY!

189. MOMMY, WILL YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING TODAY?

190. WHATEVER YOU LIKE, HONEY.

191. AS LONG AS WE GET TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER.

192. PLENTY OF AFFECTION, PLENTY OF ATTENTION.

193. YOU'RE THE BEST LITTLE ARTIST IN THE WORLD.

194. SWEET DREAMS, PUMPKIN.

195. GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

196. THEY CAN EVEN DISCIPLINE.

197. I'M SORRY MOMMY. I'LL NEVER BE BAD AGAIN!

198. UH-OH!

199. AND NOW THERE'S NURTURE-YOU MOM AND DAD WET MYSELF!

200. THERE! NOW YOU'RE NICE AND DRY.

201. NURTURE-YOU MOM AND DAD...

202. FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.

203. IS IT HARD YET?

204. WE'RE IN THE GOLDEN TIME BABY.

205. DIGITAL CAMERA BOYS.

206. HEY, THAT CAN'T BE THE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE.

207. I HAVE EIGHT WATCHES.

208. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

209. WE'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH BABY.

210. HEY GUYS, YOU OKAY?

211. A

212. SO, YOU LIVE.

213. OUR COMRADE HAS GONE STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN FOR THIS CAUSE.

214. STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN.

215. WHATEVER 4 EYES!

216. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU INFIDELS

217. TO EXPLOIT YOURSELF AND ALL ANIMALS

218. WITH YOUR HIDEOUS TESTING.

219. SIEZE THEM!

220. I HAVE EIGHT WATCHES.

221. IT WILL NOT HELP YOU NOW, MY FRIEND.

222. DEATH TO ALL COSMETIC COMPANIES!

223. HEY FREAK! MIND YOUR OWN BEES-NESS.

224. SILENCE!

225. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

226. SILENCE!

227. HI.

228. I'M HERE WITH MY BRAND NEW CHINESE PAL,

229. PING PONG, THE PANDA.

230. HEY PINGSY.

231. CUTE.

232. PING PONG'S HELPING ME MAKE CHINESE FIREWORKS.

233. JUST LIKE CHINESE MOMMIES AND DADDIES DO FOR THEIR KIDS,

234. RIGHT PINGSY?

235. YA KNOW...

236. THE CHINESE INVENTED GUNPOWDER.

237. RIGHT PINGSY?

238. I LIKE YOUR TECHNIQUE.

239. CUT.

240. THAT SURE IS GOOD TURD THROWING, GUY.

241. WHAT DO YOU FREAKS HAVE AGAINST CLARDELON ANYWAY?

242. ANSWER THE MAN!

243. CLARDELON'S NOT SO BAD!

244. YOU STILL HAVE LIPSTICK UP YOUR ASS?

245. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

246. THEY MAKE THINGS THAT SMELL NICE.

247. AND THE LADIES LIKE THEIR PRODUCTS.

248. YEAH! WITHOUT ALL THAT CRAP

249. WOMEN WOULD BE PRETTY HARD TO STOMACH, LET ME TELL YOU...

250. SHUTUP!

251. AFTER WE KILL CELEBRITY JOHN RITTER

252. AT TONIGHT'S CLARDELON CHARITY EVENT,

253. THE COMPANY WILL BE BROUGHT TO ITS KNEES!

254. AND WE WILL TRASH THEM!

255. GUYS, IT'S UP TO US TO SAVE CLARDELON.

256. YEAH, OR ELSE IT'S GOOD BYE TO JOHN RITTER,

257. DIGITAL CAMERS,

258. FROZEN MARGARITA MACHINES,

259. AND A GAS POWERED GRAVY TRAIN!

260. HUDDLE UP GUYS... HERE'S WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

261. HERE'S ANOTHER CHINA FUN FACT.

262. IN 1894,

263. QUIANG SHING OF SHANGHAI,

264. WAS THE FIRST MAN TO MAKE PEE PEE IN YOUR COKE.

265. QUIET!

266. WHAT'S UP?

267. SHH!

268. WHATEVER.

269. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

270. THE UNIVERSE IS FILLED WITH THINGS.

271. BEYOND THAT, WHAT DO WE KNOW?

272. I'M STEPHEN MCTIERNEY, HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT DO WE KNOW,

273. ABOUT A CACTUS SUCH AS THIS ONE.

274. HELLO. I'M CROUCHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARIZONA DESERT.

275. IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT A SMALL CACTUS, SUCH AS THIS,

276. USES SLIGHTLY LESS WATER TO SURVIVE THAN A LARGE TREE

277. BURIED DEEP IN THE BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST.

278. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME.

279. HOW MUCH HAS IT RAINED HERE IN THE RAINFOREST?

280. WELL, MORE THAN ONCE... WE CAN SAFELY ASSUME.

281. IT'S WET HERE.

282. WETTER ON AVERAGE THAN IT SEEMS IT IS IN MOROCCO.

283. WHERE LIFE IS STILL LIVED

284. AS IT HAS BEEN FOR OVER SIX MINUTES.

285. AND WHERE PARTICULARLY RANDY MALES

286. WHO NEED A BREAK FROM THEORIZING AND GUESSTIMATING,

287. CAN, FOR A PRICE,

288. SIT IN THE KING'S CHAIR

289. AND HAVE THEIR PRIVATES TICKLED BY OSTRICH FEATHERS.

290. AH! SPECTACULAR!

291. MUCH LIKE...

292. THE BLACK PYRAMID OF MOJITO.

293. HELLO, AND WELCOME AGAIN.

294. WE CAN USE OUR EYEBALLS TO TELL

295. THAT THIS PYRAMID IS, HOPEFULLY, SLIGHTLY SMALLER AT THE TOP,

296. THAN IT IS AT ITS BASE.

297. AND WE CAN CONJECTURE

298. THAT IT TOOK MORE THAN ONE PERSON LONGER

299. THAN TWO MINUTES TO BUILD IT.

300. BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH...

301. MOROCCO?

302. WHERE YOU CAN JUST TURN THE BRAIN OFF AND BASK

303. IN OBLIVIOUS BLISS.

304. AH

305. BLISS AS MONUMENTAL AS...

306. THE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN RANGE.

307. MYSELF, BEING A HEIGHT OF MORE THAN TWO INCHES

308. AND PERHAPS LESS THAN 900 FEET,

309. I CAN ESTIMATE WITH A FEW PROVISOS,

310. AND A WISH ON THE WIND,

311. THAT THE MASSIVE MOUNTAIN BEHIND ME

312. IS INHABITED BY GIANTS,

313. OF THE MOUNTAINEERING WORLD.

314. OR PERHAPS, REAL GIANTS.

315. I MAY NEVER KNOW.

316. BUT DOES SCIENCE?

317. LET'S ASK A SCIENTIST.

318. PROFESSOR, WITHOUT GOING TOO FAR OUT ON A LIMB,

319. WHAT DO WE KNOW?

320. WELL, SCIENCE KNOWS, UH... A LIMITLESS NUMBER OF FACTS—

321. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.

322. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

323. PICASSO WOULD GET INTO ARGUMENTS

324. WITH AN IMAGINARY PIECE OF CLASSICAL STATUARY

325. THAT WAS FOLLOWING HIM.

326. LISTEN YOU,

327. I'M GONNA BREAK YOU DOWN INTO LITTLE CUBES,

328. UNLESS YOU QUIT FOLLOWING ME.

329. ANOTHER PROBLEM PLAGUING THE SMALL FIERY CUBIST,

330. WAS FREQUENT LION ATTACKS.

331. LISTEN YOU STUPID CAT,

332. GET YOUR PAWS OFF OF ME OR I GONNA BREAK YOU DOWN—

333. KNOCK YOU DOWN INTO THE LITTLE CUBES.

334. FOLLOWING THESE INCIDENTS,

335. PICASSO WOULD COOL OFF

336. BY DRIVING AROUND WITH A CARTOON DUCK.

337. LITTLE CUBES...

338. I MUST SAY PABLO,

339. I THOUGHT YOU HANDLED THAT VERY WELL.

340. GONNA KNOCK— BREAK INTO CUBES.

341. LITTLE CUBES.

342. LATER, FAIRIES WOULD ROCK PICASSO

343. WHILE THE DUCK SANG HIM TO SLEEP.

344. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE AUTHORITIES APPREHENDED ME

345. AND I LOOKED UP AND I SAW MY NAKED,

346. COMPLETELY SHAVED BODY ON THE STADIUM SURVEILLANCE TAPE...

347. THAT I REALIZED,

348. I'VE GOTTA STOP TAKING FROM THE WORLD.

349. AND START BORROWING FROM THE WORLD.

350. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

351. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

352. AND NOW, OUR VERY GOOD FRIEND,

353. MISTER GEORGE WENDT.

354. HOW'S IT GOING?

355. THANK YOU. THANK YOU JOHN.

356. YA KNOW JOHN, I UNDERSTAND...

357. AND CLARDELON UNDERSTANDS.

358. AND THAT'S WHY THEY'RE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN

359. TO STOP PUSSY CANCER.

360. OVARIAN!

361. I MYSELF, HAVE LOST A GRANDMOTHER TO PUSSY CANCER.

362. SHUTUP!

363. I KNOW THAT CANCER IS A DIFFICULT WORD TO HEAR,

364. AND THAT'S ONLY BEEN AN OBSTACLE

365. TO FURTHERING RESEARCH FOR SWEET PUSSY CANCER.

366. OVARIAN!

367. LOOK, THIS IS ONLY A START!

368. HOW MANY OF US HAVE LOST A GRANDFATHER TO COCK CANCER?

369. PENIS! I MEAN PROSTATE!

370. OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU— YOU'RE SPLITTING HAIRS HERE.

371. I

372. I

373. I

374. E

375. FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT, FOUR EYES?

376. GO AHEAD AND KILL US.

377. OUR CAUSE WILL PREVAIL!

378. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN.

379. WAIT A MINUTE GUYS!

380. DON'T YOU SEE THAT THIS VIOLENCE WILL JUST LEAD TO MORE VIOLENCE?

381. WE'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY WE CAN ALL GET ALONG.

382. THIS IS GREAT.

383. NO ANIMAL GETS HURT...

384. WE GET THE BIG FAT PAYCHECK FROM CLARDELON...

385. AND IT'S ALL OKAY WITH THE TERRORISTS.

386. RIGHT HENRY?

387. I HAVE NO MORAL PROBLEM WITH THIS.

388. YAY!

389. OKEY DOKEY

390. QUIET!

391. ALL OF YOU!

392. I NEED TOTAL SILENCE!

393. HEY TAILY BOY...

394. WHAT'S A NICE TAIL LIKE ME DOING NEAR A TAIL LIKE YOU?

395. I'M VERY WET.

396. AND VERY LOOSE.

397. I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.

398. COME ON TAIL, GO FOR IT.

399. PLEASE GO FOR IT. COME ON.

400. 1... 2... 3 AND...

401. DAMN YOU TAIL!

402. WHEN WILL YOU LET GO OF MY LIFE?

403. I'LL GET YOU!

404. GET YOU...

405. NIGHT NIGHT.