TV Funhouse 1x8

Directed by Ted May • Sean Lattrell • Bill Berner • David Wachtenheim • Robert Marianetti • Michael Wetterhahn

John Ritter as Narrator (voice) • George Wendt as Self • Kevin Dorff as Dad • Scott Adsit as Professor • Bob Odenkirk as Steffen McTierney

The Anipals ditch the Funhouse to enter the lucrative, glamorous world of laboratory animal testing, as Doug celebrates Chinese New Year's Day and makes fireworks with a panda.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. HEY EVERYBODY!

2. IT'S CHINESE NEW YEAR'S DAY.

3. THAN OUR OLD FRIENDS, THE ANIPALS.

4. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

5. HI... I JUST—

6. HOW TO CELEBRATE THAT CRAP?

7. YEAH, YEAH. I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF PRESSURE, OKAY?

8. I GOT A LOT OF T-V TO WATCH!

9. I UNDERSTAND.

10. REGIS, REGIS, REGIS...

11. WHAT A WHORE.

12. DISCOVERY CHANNEL?

13. HOJO, YOU JUST WHACKED OFF HALF AN HOUR AGO.

14. BUT IT'S DEER MICE MATING TONIGHT.

15. NOT INTO IT.

16. HEY EVERYBODY, SHUTUP.

17. THE VEAL GUY'S ON.

18. YOU KNOW FRIENDS,

19. FROM CRAMPED, TO COZY.

20. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH BRIGHT COLORS?

21. AFTER ALL, WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE VEAL!

22. LET'S EXPRESS OURSELVES!

23. OKAY, I'VE ALREADY SEEN THIS ONE.

24. HEY FELLAS.

25. WHISKERS! JESUS! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

26. I GOT A SWEET GIG, IS WHAT HAPPENED.

27. LOOK...

28. SO, CLARDELON DID THIS TO YOU?

29. NO, THE ANIMAL RIGHTS PEOPLE DID THIS TO ME.

30. I'M MODELING FOR THEM.

31. WHY WOULDN'T THEY JUST USE REAL PICTURES?

32. MERCHANDISING RIGHTS.

33. MODELING? SOUNDS GAY.

34. THEY PAID ME 50 BUCKS!

35. WOW!

36. YEAH! I'M GAY LIKE A FOX.

37. YEAH, BUT THE BIG MONEY IS ON THE INSIDE.

38. YOU KNOW... ACTUALLY BEING TORTURED.

39. YOU'RE RIGHT CHICKIE.

40. PROGRAM,

41. THAT'S WHERE THE HUGE MONEY IS.

42. LET ME SEE THAT.

43. IT SAYS HERE,

44. CLARDELON LAB.

45. OPEN SORE PERFUME TESTS,

46. TESTS,

47. COLOGNE INGESTION,

48. LIPSTICK PROBES...

49. WHY CAN'T WE GET IN ON THIS?

50. HEY, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

51. SOMEBODY.

52. AIN'T IT THE TRUTH.

53. ELITIST BASTARDS!

54. HEY, I KNOW THIS BAR NEXT

55. WHERE ALL THE ANIMALS HANG OUT.

56. WHY DON'T WE GO THERE AND TURN ON THE OLD CHARM?

57. WORK YOUR MAGIC.

58. SO YOU SEE,

59. ADDING SIZE TO YOUR PEN.

60. NO, NO, NO! DO NOT KILL YET!

61. I HAVE TO SHOW THE DRAPES!

62. ZABOO!

63. I'LL GET YOU, TAIL!

64. DON'T YOU WANNA TAKE A BREAK FROM CATCHING YOUR TAIL?

65. ARE YOU INSANE?

66. SO IT CAN GO OUT AND KILL AGAIN?

67. KILL?

68. IN SEVEN STATES...

69. FOR TAX FRAUD, PUBLIC NUDITY

70. ILLEGAL FIRE ARMS.

71. OH, COME ON!

72. DON'T YOU WAG, YOU SCUM!

73. I KNOW THE TRUTH, TAIL.

74. I'LL PUNCH YOU SO HARD,

75. BE BORN DIZZY!

76. OKAY... TAKEY LOOKY THIS.

77. WONDERMAN!

78. WONDERMAN!

79. WONDERMAN, FIGHTING EVIL AS IT COMES.

80. WONDERMAN!

81. WONDERMAN,

82. WHO'S DAYTIME IDENTITY IS THAT OF, HENRY MOORE...

83. TO STOP CRIME,

84. AND GET HIS ALIAS LAID.

85. WONDERMAN!

86. HELP! WONDERMAN!

87. WONDERMAN!

88. WONDERMAN.

89. OH! THANK GOODNESS.

90. I TRIPPED OVER THIS... THING,

91. AND THEN IT ASKED ME FOR COINS.

92. SAY NO MORE.

93. THANK YOU, WONDERMAN.

94. HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

95. I DON'T FIGHT CRIME FOR MONEY MA'AM...

96. FOR ALL GOOD CITIZENS.

97. UH-OH!

98. WHAT IS IT?

99. YOUR DRESS.

100. WHAT?

101. IT'S STAINED.

102. THAT SIGN WIELDING FIEND.

103. OH, IT'S NOTHING.

104. MAYBE IT'S NOTHING,

105. BUT THAT COULD BE URINE...

106. MOST LIKELY HIS.

107. GOODNESS! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

108. I KNOW A FINE DRY CLEANER, HENRY MOORE.

109. BUT I MUST WARN YOU, HE'S CELIBATE.

110. EXCUSE ME?

111. WELL, I UNDERSTAND YOUR CURIOUSITY,

112. ROGUE-ISH GOOD LOOKS,

113. COLOSSAL PACKAGE.

114. WHY DOES THIS CONCERN ME?

115. SINCE HE LOST HIS DEAR MOTHER,

116. HE CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO ACCEPT THE EMBRACE OF ANY WOMAN,

117. OF COMFORT.

118. WELL IT IS A NASTY STAIN.

119. THANK YOU, WONDERMAN.

120. MY WORK IS DONE HERE.

121. AWAY!

122. MR. WONG.

123. WONDERMAN!

124. HELLO?

125. OH.

126. ARE YOU OKAY?

127. YES.

128. YES, IT'S JUST YOUR VOICE.

129. OH NEVERMIND.

130. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

131. WELL, I HAVE THIS STAIN ON MY DRESS.

132. LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

133. FORGIVE ME, I'M DOING SOME LAUNDRY MYSELF.

134. MAMA MAKE IT BETTER?

135. OH YES!

136. WHY, I PRACTICALLY FEEL LIKE WONDERMAN.

137. I TELL YA...

138. THESE ANIMAL RIGHT FANATICS, THEY'RE MOSTLY PEOPLE.

139. BUSINESS.

140. WE'VE GOT A GOOD THING GOING HERE.

141. OCASSIONALLY, YOU GET THE WACKO ANIMALS...

142. HEY BIX.

143. SAY, IS THAT THE NEW COLOR PERFECT MISTY DAWN EYESHADOW?

144. YES IT IS.

145. OH MY GOD, IT LOOKS GREAT.

146. IT'S HARDLY INFECTING YOUR EYES AT ALL.

147. AW, SHUTUP.

148. SO, CLARDERON TREATS YOU PRETTY GOOD FINANCIALLY, HUH?

149. WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY,

150. I WAS BORN IN JERSEY CITY, AND HERE'S WHERE I LIVE NOW.

151. WOW!

152. I HAVE 8 WATCHES.

153. COOL!

154. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

155. HOW DOES IT PAY SO GOOD?

156. HAVE A GOOD UNION.

157. WE DO.

158. IN THE FORTIES,

159. ALL THE SPECIES' UNIONS MERGED INTO ONE.

160. NOWADAYS, IT PAYS WELL.

161. YOUR BUTT... SOME CANCER CELLS.

162. CLARDELON...

163. THEY LOVE ME OVER THERE.

164. AW, SWEET! LET'S GO!

165. HOWDY!

166. I MEAN, CHING CHANG!

167. YA KNOW, CHINESE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT,

168. DIFFERENT THEN OURS.

169. NOW, CHINESE NEW YEAR USUALLY STARTS IN FEBRUARY.

170. CHRISTMAS IS IN JANUARY.

171. AND CHINESE LINCOLN'S BIRTHDAY IS SOMETIME IN MARCH.

172. AND THE CHINESE DON'T CELEBRATE PASSOVER UNTIL MAY.

173. IT'S FUN TO LEARN.

174. MOMMY! DADDY!

175. LOOK AT MY NEW DRAWING!

176. NOT NOW HONEY.

177. MAYBE LATER, DEAR.

178. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

179. IT'D SURE BE NICE TO HAVE SOME MORE TIME WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD.

180. AND NOW, YOU CAN WITH NURTURE - YOU MOM AND DAD.

181. MOMMY! DADDY!

182. MOMMY, WILL YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING TODAY?

183. WHATEVER YOU LIKE, HONEY.

184. SPEND TIME TOGETHER.

185. PLENTY OF AFFECTION, PLENTY OF ATTENTION.

186. YOU'RE THE BEST LITTLE ARTIST IN THE WORLD.

187. SWEET DREAMS, PUMPKIN.

188. GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

189. THEY CAN EVEN DISCIPLINE.

190. I'M SORRY MOMMY. I'LL NEVER BE BAD AGAIN!

191. UH-OH!

192. AND NOW THERE'S NURTURE-YOU MOM AND DAD WET MYSELF!

193. THERE! NOW YOU'RE NICE AND DRY.

194. NURTURE-YOU MOM AND DAD...

195. FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.

196. IS IT HARD YET?

197. WE'RE IN THE GOLDEN TIME BABY.

198. DIGITAL CAMERA BOYS.

199. HEY, THAT CAN'T BE THE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE.

200. I HAVE EIGHT WATCHES.

201. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

202. WE'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH BABY.

203. HEY GUYS, YOU OKAY?

204. A

205. SO, YOU LIVE.

206. HEAVEN FOR THIS CAUSE.

207. STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN.

208. WHATEVER 4 EYES!

209. WITH YOUR HIDEOUS TESTING.

210. SIEZE THEM!

211. I HAVE EIGHT WATCHES.

212. IT WILL NOT HELP YOU NOW, MY FRIEND.

213. COMPANIES!

214. HEY FREAK! MIND YOUR OWN BEES-NESS.

215. SILENCE!

216. NONE OF THEM ARE FAKE.

217. SILENCE!

218. HI.

219. I'M HERE WITH MY BRAND NEW CHINESE PAL,

220. PING PONG, THE PANDA.

221. HEY PINGSY.

222. CUTE.

223. PING PONG'S HELPING ME MAKE CHINESE FIREWORKS.

224. DADDIES DO FOR THEIR KIDS,

225. RIGHT PINGSY?

226. YA KNOW...

227. THE CHINESE INVENTED GUNPOWDER.

228. RIGHT PINGSY?

229. I LIKE YOUR TECHNIQUE.

230. CUT.

231. TURD THROWING, GUY.

232. CLARDELON ANYWAY?

233. ANSWER THE MAN!

234. CLARDELON'S NOT SO BAD!

235. LIPSTICK UP YOUR ASS?

236. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

237. NICE.

238. PRODUCTS.

239. YEAH!

240. STOMACH, LET ME TELL YOU...

241. SHUTUP!

242. AT TONIGHT'S CLARDELON CHARITY EVENT,

243. BE BROUGHT TO ITS KNEES!

244. AND WE WILL TRASH THEM!

245. GUYS, IT'S UP TO US TO SAVE CLARDELON.

246. YEAH, OR ELSE IT'S GOOD BYE TO JOHN RITTER,

247. DIGITAL CAMERS,

248. FROZEN MARGARITA MACHINES,

249. GRAVY TRAIN!

250. HUDDLE UP GUYS... HERE'S WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

251. HERE'S ANOTHER CHINA FUN FACT.

252. IN 1894,

253. QUIANG SHING OF SHANGHAI,

254. MAKE PEE PEE IN YOUR COKE.

255. QUIET!

256. WHAT'S UP?

257. SHH!

258. WHATEVER.

259. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

260. FILLED WITH THINGS.

261. BEYOND THAT, WHAT DO WE KNOW?

262. I'M STEPHEN MCTIERNEY, HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT DO WE KNOW,

263. ABOUT A CACTUS SUCH AS THIS ONE.

264. HELLO. I'M CROUCHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARIZONA DESERT.

265. CACTUS, SUCH AS THIS,

266. BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST.

267. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME.

268. HERE IN THE RAINFOREST?

269. WELL, MORE THAN ONCE... WE CAN SAFELY ASSUME.

270. IT'S WET HERE.

271. IT SEEMS IT IS IN MOROCCO.

272. OVER SIX MINUTES.

273. THEORIZING AND GUESSTIMATING,

274. CAN, FOR A PRICE,

275. SIT IN THE KING'S CHAIR

276. BY OSTRICH FEATHERS.

277. AH! SPECTACULAR!

278. MUCH LIKE...

279. THE BLACK PYRAMID OF MOJITO.

280. HELLO, AND WELCOME AGAIN.

281. THAT THIS PYRAMID IS, HOPEFULLY, SLIGHTLY SMALLER AT THE TOP,

282. THAN IT IS AT ITS BASE.

283. THAN TWO MINUTES TO BUILD IT.

284. HAVE TO DO WITH...

285. MOROCCO?

286. IN OBLIVIOUS BLISS.

287. AH

288. BLISS AS MONUMENTAL AS...

289. THE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN RANGE.

290. MYSELF, BEING A HEIGHT

291. AND PERHAPS LESS THAN 900 FEET,

292. PROVISOS,

293. AND A WISH ON THE WIND,

294. IS INHABITED BY GIANTS,

295. OF THE MOUNTAINEERING WORLD.

296. OR PERHAPS, REAL GIANTS.

297. I MAY NEVER KNOW.

298. BUT DOES SCIENCE?

299. LET'S ASK A SCIENTIST.

300. PROFESSOR, WITHOUT GOING TOO FAR OUT ON A LIMB,

301. WHAT DO WE KNOW?

302. WELL, SCIENCE KNOWS, UH...

303. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.

304. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

305. THAT WAS FOLLOWING HIM.

306. LISTEN YOU,

307. I'M GONNA BREAK YOU DOWN INTO LITTLE CUBES,

308. UNLESS YOU QUIT FOLLOWING ME.

309. SMALL FIERY CUBIST,

310. WAS FREQUENT LION ATTACKS.

311. LISTEN YOU STUPID CAT,

312. THE LITTLE CUBES.

313. FOLLOWING THESE INCIDENTS,

314. WITH A CARTOON DUCK.

315. LITTLE CUBES...

316. I MUST SAY PABLO,

317. THAT VERY WELL.

318. GONNA KNOCK— BREAK INTO CUBES.

319. LITTLE CUBES.

320. LATER, FAIRIES WOULD

321. HIM TO SLEEP.

322. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL THE

323. NAKED,

324. STADIUM SURVEILLANCE TAPE...

325. THAT I REALIZED,

326. I'VE GOTTA STOP TAKING FROM THE WORLD.

327. FROM THE WORLD.

328. WHAT I'M SAYING?

329. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

330. AND NOW, OUR VERY GOOD FRIEND,

331. MISTER GEORGE WENDT.

332. HOW'S IT GOING?

333. THANK YOU. THANK YOU JOHN.

334. YA KNOW JOHN, I UNDERSTAND...

335. AND CLARDELON UNDERSTANDS.

336. AND THAT'S WHY THEY'RE DOING

337. TO STOP PUSSY CANCER.

338. OVARIAN!

339. I MYSELF, HAVE LOST A GRANDMOTHER TO PUSSY CANCER.

340. SHUTUP!

341. DIFFICULT WORD TO HEAR,

342. AND THAT'S ONLY BEEN

343. SWEET PUSSY CANCER.

344. OVARIAN!

345. LOOK, THIS IS ONLY A START!

346. GRANDFATHER TO COCK CANCER?

347. PENIS! I MEAN PROSTATE!

348. OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU— YOU'RE SPLITTING HAIRS HERE.

349. I

350. I

351. I

352. E

353. FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT, FOUR EYES?

354. GO AHEAD AND KILL US.

355. OUR CAUSE WILL PREVAIL!

356. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN.

357. WAIT A MINUTE GUYS!

358. DON'T YOU SEE THAT THIS VIOLENCE WILL JUST LEAD TO MORE VIOLENCE?

359. WE'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY WE CAN ALL GET ALONG.

360. THIS IS GREAT.

361. NO ANIMAL GETS HURT...

362. FROM CLARDELON...

363. AND IT'S ALL OKAY WITH THE TERRORISTS.

364. RIGHT HENRY?

365. PROBLEM WITH THIS.

366. YAY!

367. QUIET!

368. ALL OF YOU!

369. I NEED TOTAL SILENCE!

370. HEY TAILY BOY...

371. WHAT'S A NICE TAIL LIKE ME DOING NEAR A TAIL LIKE YOU?

372. I'M VERY WET.

373. AND VERY LOOSE.

374. I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.

375. COME ON TAIL, GO FOR IT.

376. PLEASE GO FOR IT. COME ON.

377. 1... 2... 3 AND...

378. DAMN YOU TAIL!

379. OF MY LIFE?

380. I'LL GET YOU!

381. GET YOU...

382. NIGHT NIGHT.