TV Funhouse 1x7

Directed by Ted May • Sean Lattrell • David Lipson • Don McGrath • David Wachtenheim

Robert Goulet as Self • Tara Sands as (voice) • Joe Frazier as Self • Rick Nielsen as Self • Joe Walsh as Self

Still in Atlantic City, the Anipals attempt to 'unstick' Triumph before his big show. At the Funhouse, Doug tries to achieve weightlessness while dressed as an astronaut.

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!req TV Funhouse 1x7 [02:32]
!req TV Funhouse 1x7 [TV Funhouse 1x7]
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. LAST WEEK ON T-V FUNHOUSE...

2. WHERE YA GOING?

3. ATLANTIC CITY.

4. OH HEY, FOLKS!

5. SAY HELLO TO MY OLD FRIEND, FOGEY.

6. WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, HIS PINK THING WAS SO SMALL THAT

7. HIS BALLS ASKED TO HAVE HIM CUT OFF.

8. ROBERT GOULET!

9. NOW WE GOT SOMETHING!

10. OVER HERE BABY... YEAH, YEAH THAT'S IT.

11. THROW IT OVER HERE! YEAH, I'LL DO YOU BABY!

12. UGH!

13. STEP ASIDE FIDEY.

14. OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH! HERE IT COMES!

15. THROW ME AROUND BABY! HA HA HA! DO ME!

16. CHICKIE, YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN.

17. WILL YOU CHICKIE,

18. PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY VIPER?

19. WELCOME TO ASTRONAUT DAY HERE AT T-V FUNHOUSE.

20. UM, THE ANIPALS ARE STILL IN ATLANTIC CITY, I GUESS,

21. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T HAVE ASTRO FUN.

22. 'CUZ LOOK WHO'S HERE...

23. OUR OLD PAL, ZABOO.

24. WHAT?

25. HEY ZABOO.

26. YA WANNA TRY ON YOUR SPACE OUTFIT

27. AFTER YOU FINISH CATCHING YOUR TAIL?

28. I'M WARNING YOU DOUG, BE QUIET.

29. YOU GAVE AWAY MY PLAN!

30. YOU BLEW IT FOR ME!

31. NOW THE TAIL KNOWS TOO MUCH!

32. IT MUST DIE!

33. MAYBE THE OTHERS WILL COME BACK SOON.

34. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING CHICKIE?

35. MARRYING A HOOKER!

36. SHUTUP!

37. I LOVE HER!

38. AND SHE NEEDED A GREEN CARD.

39. OH CHRIST.

40. AND YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.

41. YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED—

42. IT'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STATE!

43. SHE'S PROBABLY ALL DISEASED!

44. CAN'T HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA

45. THEY'RE RIGHT CHICKIE.

46. THAT GIRL'S BAD NEWS, BELIEVE ME.

47. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CUZ YOU'RE MONOGAMOUS!

48. MONOGAMY'S FOR FAGS!

49. CHICKIE, I KNOW THAT CHIMP'S GOT GAMS FROM HERE TO KALAMAZOO,

50. BUT YOU'RE CHASING A RAINBOW...

51. A FOOL'S RAINBOW.

52. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SAVE IT GALIHAD.

53. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

54. I HAVE TO GO AND PURCHASE MY BRIDE FROM HER PIMP.

55. HEY, DON'T MIND HIM.

56. DO YOU KNOW WAYNE NEWTON?

57. YEAH... I KNOW WAYNE NEWTON.

58. REALLY?

59. - WHAT ABOUT HIM— - TELL ME SOMETHING.

60. TELL ME SOMETHING.

61. WHEN YOU— WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD WAYNE NEWTON SING,

62. YEAH.

63. DID YOU THINK HE WAS A GIRL?

64. THERE YA GO BOSS, MY LIFE SAVINGS.

65. HOLD ON THERE, BIG GUY.

66. ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME CHAMP?

67. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS WHORE COULD MAKE IN A LIFETIME

68. BEFORE SHE GOT ALL DRIED UP AND HAGGARD?

69. EH, UM WELL, NO. I GUESS I DON'T KNOW, UH...

70. SAY ABOUT HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE BEFORE THE

71. DRIED AND HAGGARD THING STARTS TO KICK IN?

72. IT DEPENDS.

73. NOW LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

74. ARE YOU RIGHT HANDED OR LEFT HANDED?

75. FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK BECAUSE

76. I BAT LEFT HANDED,

77. AND YET, GET THIS,

78. I PLAY TENNIS RIGHT HANDED,

79. AND THEN I BOWL RIGHT HANDED. AND THEN GUESS WHAT,

80. I WRITE MY NAME RIGHT HANDED!

81. SO I GUESS YOU'D SAY I'M RIGHT HANDED.

82. OH NO!

83. LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY THUMB, MAN!

84. THEY CUT OFF MY FUCKING THUMB!

85. OKEY DOKE.

86. WELCOME BACK TO PLANET FUNHOUSE.

87. YA KNOW...

88. US ASTRONAUT TYPES LIKE TO FLOAT AROUND IN SPACE A LOT.

89. BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT,

90. YOU HAVE TO ACHIEVE WEIGHTLESSNESS.

91. WHILE YOU WERE AWAY, I TRIED TO PUT HELIUM UP ME.

92. DIDN'T WORK.

93. BUT, I HAD A BETTER PLAN...

94. WEIGHTLOSS PILLS.

95. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

96. PRESENTED BY V-H-1

97. GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS PERHAPS THIS COUNTRY'S GREATEST LEADER.

98. HE WAS COMMANDER OF THE AMERICAN FORCES

99. DURING THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

100. AND AS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

101. HE SERVED TWO TERMS OF DISTINCTION,

102. BECOMING THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY...

103. BUT THEN, THINGS WENT SOUR.

104. AFTER THE PRESIDENCY, WASHINGTON FELL INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION,

105. AND DEVELOPED AN ADDICTION TO PAINKILLERS.

106. SOON HE WAS IN CONFLICT WITH HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

107. TRASHING HIS HOME IN MOUNT VERNON

108. AFTER A PAINFUL INTERVENTION.

109. WELL, IT WASN'T A PRETTY PICTURE AT ALL.

110. WASHINGTON, UH, OH, HE WAS IN THE FETAL POSITION... CURLED UP.

111. PRETTY MUCH BARE ASSED NAKED, EXCEPT FOR HIS WIG.

112. HIS FAMILY WAS THERE, AND OF COURSE, NAPOLEON.

113. HE JUST LIED THERE. HE DIDN'T MOVE FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES,

114. AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE SNAPPED.

115. IT WAS THEN THAT WASHINGTON CATAPULTED OUT OF HIS COUCH

116. AND STUNNED HIS WIFE, MARTHA, WITH A FATAL KARATE KICK.

117. OSTRICIZED BY HIS PUBLIC,

118. WASHINGTON TOOK UP WITH HIS PAL, NAPOLEON,

119. AS HE FELL INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL

120. OF WOMEN AND CRACK COCAINE.

121. THE 2 OF THEM TRAVELED THE SOUTHWEST FOR 8 MONTHS,

122. SHARING A TASTE FOR TALL UNDERAGE IMMIGRANTS,

123. AND STAYING ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE AUTHORITIES.

124. WASHINGTON AND NAPOLEON, LIKE, THEY WOULD STAY UP FOR DAYS.

125. AND THEY'D, LIKE, TURN UP AT A GENERAL STORE OR LIVERY STABLE

126. LIKE ARGUING AND FIGHTING—

127. LIKE ARGUING IN FRENCH, YA KNOW—

128. WASHINGTON COULDN'T SPEAK FRENCH.

129. BE SO— SO WASTED YOU COULDN'T TELL.

130. AND NAPOLEON WOULD LIKE HIT WASHINGTON

131. AND THEN, LIKE, HIS WOODEN TEETH WOULD COME OUT, YA KNOW?

132. AND THEN, THEY'D MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THAT

133. LIKE JUST TO, LIKE GET A RISE OUT OF PEOPLE.

134. EVERYBODY WANTED TO BE ABLE TO SAY, YA KNOW,

135. THEY WERE THE ONE THAT— THAT KICKED GEORGE WASHINGTON'S ASS.

136. AND UH...

137. HE REALLY WOULD... HE'D TAKE ON JUST ABOUT ANYBODY.

138. BUT UH, HE'D ONLY DO IT FOR HEROIN.

139. ON AUGUST TWELFTH, 1846,

140. WASHINGTON HIT BOTTOM.

141. AFTER BEING ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC NUDITY

142. AND BATTERY OF A SMALL BEAR IN LAREDO, WYOMING.

143. WASHINGTON WAS IN TEARS WITH THE COPS, SAYING,

144. "WHY IS HE EATING ME?

145. "I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO BEARS."

146. HE FINALLY REALIZED HE NEEDED HELP.

147. I KNEW THEN THAT I NEEDED HELP,

148. OR I WAS GONNA DIE.

149. DETERMINED AT LAST, GEORGE WASHINGTON CHECKED INTO

150. AN 8 MONTH REHABILITATION PROGRAM THAT SAVED HIS LIFE.

151. TODAY, GEORGE WASHINGTON LIVES IN ROCKWELL, NEW YORK

152. WITH HIS WIFE, MAY LYNN AND THEIR TWO CHILDREN.

153. HE HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

154. WHEN I LOOK AT EVERYTHING THAT BROUGHT ME TO WHERE I AM NOW...

155. THE REVOLUTION,

156. THE PRESIDENCY,

157. THE BEAR ATTACK,

158. THE HEROIN...

159. I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.

160. I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING.

161. I— I JUST DON'T THINK IT CAN WORK OUT.

162. VIPER, THESE LAST 12 HOURS HAVE BEEN MAGICAL, BUT,

163. WE COME FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS.

164. SHH, NO DON'T CRY.

165. YOU'RE YOUNG.

166. YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

167. YOU KNOW WE HAVE OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF US.

168. AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

169. IT HURTS, DOESN'T IT?

170. YEAH, I KINDA FIGURED YOU'D HAVE TO FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF.

171. SHE AND THAT UH, BOSTON TERRIER PIMP AND JOE FRASIER

172. HAVE BEEN RUNNING THAT SCAM FOR A LONG TIME.

173. AW, COME ON!

174. YEAH, SHE'S BROKEN A LOT OF HEARTS ALONG THE BOARDWALK.

175. TRUST ME, I KNOW.

176. YOU, ROBERT GOULET,

177. PROMISE TO LOVE, HONOR AND OBEY VIPER?

178. WHATEVER YOU SAY, CHAMP.

179. WOW, YOU TOO?

180. IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING INTO A MIRROR...

181. A MIRROR OF MY PAST.

182. I'LL GO.

183. HIT ME!

184. HEY THERE.

185. I'M HERE AT, UH, T-V FUNHOUSE MISSION CONTROL.

186. I GUESS YOU COULD ALSO CALL IT, THE COCKPIT.

187. OR THE UH, COCK-A-PIT.

188. OKEY DOKE.

189. I'M GONNA BE WEIGHTLESS.

190. MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU WATCHED THIS.

191. OKAY ARTIMUS, I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE OUR SEATS ARE TOGETHER.

192. YOU WATCH THE BABY, THE IMMIGRANT

193. AND THE GUY ON MUSHROOMS WHILE I'M GONE, ALRIGHT?

194. GOOD KITTY.

195. OKAY GUYS, YA GOT ENOUGH TO DO?

196. CHECK THIS OUT.

197. OHHH!

198. OHHH!

199. OHHH!

200. SO, YOU ON DEMEROL?

201. OHHH!

202. OHHH!

203. OHHH!

204. SERIOUSLY, WHAT TIME DO YOU CONK OUT?

205. OHHH!

206. OHHH!

207. OHHH!

208. OHHHHHH OHHHHH!

209. OHHHHHH OHHHHH!

210. OHHHHHH OHHHHH!

211. OHHHHHH!

212. YIKES!

213. OHHH!

214. OH!

215. OHHH!

216. OHHH!

217. OHHH!

218. DO YOU READ?

219. OHHH!

220. OHHH!

221. OHHH!

222. OHHH!

223. OHHH!

224. OHHH!

225. OHHH!

226. OHHH!

227. OHHH!

228. OHHH!

229. OHHH!

230. OHHH!

231. THERE YOU ARE! MY ANGELS.

232. I DIDN'T COME BACK EMPTY HANDED.

233. OHHH!

234. OHHH!

235. OHHH!

236. DON'T WORRY, ARTIMUS, I DIDN'T FORGET MY KITTY.

237. OHHH!

238. THEY'RE THE BABY,

239. THE IMMIGRANT

240. AND THE GUY ON MUSHROOMS.

241. I NEVER NOTICED ROB GOULET'S THUMBS.

242. ME NEITHER!

243. PLUS JOE FRASIER'S IN ON IT!

244. HE'S NOT A REAL PRIEST.

245. RIGHT, THAT'S FOREMAN.

246. RIGHT! GEORGE FOREMAN!

247. YEAH!

248. WELL, THANK GOD, THE DRAMA'S OVER.

249. - THAT'S COOL.

250. GUYS! YOU GOT TO HELP ME WITH THIS!

251. SCREW YOU! KEEP YOUR SLOPPY SECONDS!

252. NO, YOU STUPID IDIOT!

253. I'M STUCK!

254. CAN'T YOU SEE?

255. I'M STUCK INSIDE HER!

256. HELP, I'M STUCK!

257. I NEED HELP!

258. GET ME OFF OF THIS!

259. I'M ST— I'M STUCK!

260. I CAN'T GET OUT OF HER!

261. HELP, I'M STUCK!

262. HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

263. I'M STUCK! HELP!

264. SOMEBODY HELP ME!

265. HELP! I'M STUCK!

266. HELP!

267. SOMEBODY!

268. HELP!

269. THAT'S CUTE!

270. IT'S NOT CUTE!

271. I WAS FUCKING THIS DOG AND GOT STUCK!

272. OKAY.

273. LET'S TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS ASTRONAUT FUN,

274. AND PLAY OUR FAVORITE GAME,

275. WHAT DID TERRENCE EAT?

276. HOW YOU DOING THERE, TERRENCE?

277. HOW YA DOING, DOUG?

278. PRETTY GOOD.

279. ARE UH, ALL SYSTEMS GO?

280. HUH? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

281. LOOKS LIKE YOU SWALLOWED A LOT OF TANG.

282. HUH? IS THAT A DIRTY JOKE?

283. I DON'T QUITE CARE FOR THAT.

284. OKAY.

285. IT'S TIME TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK, AND FIGURE OUT,

286. WHAT DID TERRENCE EAT?

287. WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT TERRENCE ATE, RIGHT AFTER THIS.

288. IT'S TIME TO DIVE HEAD FIRST

289. INTO A SHALLOW POOL OF SAFETY WITH...

290. THE SAFETY GANG! YAY!

291. MY NAME'S DONNY, AND I DON'T DRINK POISON...

292. EVERDAY!

293. MARCY'S MY NAME,

294. AND ALWAYS NEVER SPRAY WINDOW CLEANER IN MY EYES.

295. HI, I'M CUBBY!

296. AND I KNOW PEOPLE CAN FLY IF THEY JUMP OFF 20 STORY BUILDING LEDGES,

297. BUT ONLY IF THEY HAVE SPECIAL POWERS.

298. WHICH ACTUALLY, NO ONE DOES!

299. RUSH INTO SAFETY!

300. THANK YOU KINDLY!

301. SAFETY'S A REFLEX!

302. DO IT BLINDLY!

303. SO RUN AROUND AND YELL, LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL,

304. AND TELL, TELL, TELL PEOPLE TO BE SAFE!

305. OKAY, IT'S TIME TO TALK TO STRANGER DAN ABOUT SAFETY.

306. HI STRANGER DAN! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR US?

307. CANDY.

308. YUMMY!

309. TODAY'S STRANGER DAN SAFETY TIP,

310. IS TO NEVER DON'T NOT FORGET

311. TO LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN CROSSING THE STREET.

312. THANKS STRANGER DAN. GOTTA GO!

313. I'LL DROP YOU OFF IN MY VAN.

314. SURE.

315. THANKS MARCY! GOOD TIP!

316. HEY OUTLETTA! HEY WET FINGERS!

317. ARE YOU TWO PLAYING TOGETHER AGAIN?

318. GREAT,

319. BUT DON'T PLAY TOO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER,

320. 'CUZ THAT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

321. REMEMBER KIDS,

322. IF YOU HAVE WET FINGERS, LIKE WET FINGERS HERE,

323. KEEP THEM AT LEAST 3 INCHES AWAY

324. FROM ALL ELECTRICAL POWER CIRCUITS,

325. LIKE OUTLETTA HERE.

326. NOW LET'S SING A FUN SONG TO HELP YOU REMEMBER THIS.

327. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

328. THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK...

329. BUT REMEMBER, WALK OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY INTERSECTION

330. FULL OF SAFETY!

331. I'D TAKE A BULLET FOR SAFETY.

332. HEY, COME ON PAL.

333. FOR OLD TIMES SAKE, PLEASE.

334. I CAN'T GO ON STAGE WITH A POODLE ATTACHED TO MY DICK.

335. MILTON BERLE DID THAT BIT 20 YEARS AGO.

336. I'M SORRY I SAID, YOU COULDN'T EVEN PLEASE A GUINEA PIG.

337. YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS ENVIED YOUR PINK THING.

338. SERIOUSLY!

339. BITCHES ARE AFRAID OF MINE.

340. IT'S THE SMALL ONES THAT ARE IN STYLE—

341. ALRIGHT, EASY MAN.

342. YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

343. ROBERT GOULET'S IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

344. GOULET IS SEEING YOUR SHOW?

345. YES.

346. OKAY...

347. HOUSTON, WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT, WHAT DID TERRENCE EAT.

348. BUT FIRST, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE GUESSING IN OUR ONLINE POLL.

349. OOH, FUN STUFF.

350. YEAH, MAYBE.

351. HMM, YEAH, I COULD SEE THAT.

352. AND 22% OF YOU THINKS IT'S FROSTY THE SNOWMAN'S

353. STOMACH AND ASS.

354. VERY SPECIFIC, BUT, EH...

355. OKAY, TERRENCE, LET HER RIP.

356. OKEY DOKE.

357. HOW YA DOING THERE?

358. LET ME CONCENTRATE.

359. SOMETIMES THESE DOCTOR'S THINGS WORK.

360. HOW ABOUT THIS?

361. AW, IT'S MICE AGAIN!

362. GOT YA!

363. YOU DID.

364. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, GANG.

365. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

366. BILLY BATSONSUACE,

367. WAS A REGULAR PAPERBOY, UNTIL ONE DAY...

368. PSST, KID, THAT CAVE'S MAGIC.

369. HUH?

370. TRY IT AND SEE.

371. INTRIGUED, BILLY STEPS INTO THE CAVE.

372. SURE ENOUGH...

373. YOUNG MAN, THIS CAVE IS MAGIC.

374. I AM A VERY POWERFUL OLD MAN,

375. AND I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU SPECIAL POWERS

376. WHICH WILL APPEAR EVERYTIME YOU SAY THE WORD, "SKREWPA".

377. "SKREWPA" IS AN ACRONYM, YOU SEE—

378. I DIDN'T ASK.

379. SO WHAT SPECIAL POWERS AM I GETTING?

380. THE "S" IS FOR SPERMS OF ENDEARMENT.

381. THE "K" IS FOR KING BONG.

382. THE "R" ISFOR ROMANCING THE BONE.

383. THE "E" IS FOR E-T-3...

384. THE EXTRA TESTICLE. THE—

385. HUH? THOSE ARE ALL PORN MOVIE TITLES.

386. I'VE BEEN IN THIS CAVE ALONE TOO LONG.

387. I'VE FORGOTTEN THE REAL LIST. ANYWAY...

388. EVERYTIME YOU SAY THE WORD, "SKREWPA",

389. YOU WILL BECOME A RIDICULOUS HILLBILLY

390. WITH A MAGIC MUD PUDDLE.

391. UGH!

392. CONGRATULATIONS BOY.

393. AND HERE, TAKE THIS EMPTY MAYONNAISE JAR WITH YOU.

394. I DON'T WANT TO THROW IT OUT.

395. I'LL THROW IT OUT.

396. BILLY IS EXTREMELY DISSATISFIED WITH HIS STUPID NEW POWERS,

397. AND VOWS NEVER TO USE THEM TO FIGHT CRIME AND INJUSTICE.

398. THIS I SWEAR!

399. THIS LOUNGE CROWD, FOR ME TO POOP ON!

400. YES? POOP ON?

401. MAYBE IF WE SOAKED HIM IN TOMATO JUICE?

402. NO, NO, THAT'S FOR WHEN YOU GET YOUR DICK STUCK IN A SKUNK.

403. BESIDES IT'S TOO LATE, THE SHOW STARTED 10 MINUTES AGO.

404. SHHH!

405. SORRY, BOWJANGLES.

406. GEESH.

407. WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS.

408. AND HOW ABOUT YOU FAT GUY?

409. I GUESS I DON'T GET TABLE SCRAPS TONIGHT, EH? HA HA HA

410. BUT THIS IS CONVENIENT THOUGH, CHUBBY,

411. BECAUSE I CAN SMELL YOUR BUTT FROM HERE.

412. EASY! EASY!

413. ANYWAY, DON'T— PAY NO ATTENTION PEOPLE.

414. WHAT ABOUT THE TOILET WATER IN THE DRINKS, EH?

415. I LIKE IT, BUT HOW ABOUT YOU?

416. HEY, EASY! NO, NO!

417. NOT GOULET! ANYONE BUT GOULET'S TABLE!

418. PLEASE! OH GOD!

419. HEY!

420. EASY! I'M SORRY GOULET.

421. THE SHOW— NOT NORMALLY PART OF THE ACT YOU KNOW...

422. IT'S REALLY MUCH BETTER, I SWEAR.

423. ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S HILARIOUS!

424. WHAT?

425. THIS POODLE'S A GENIUS.

426. I'M WEIGHTLESS!

427. NIGHT NIGHT!