TV Funhouse 1x2

Directed by Ted May • Sean Lattrell • David Lipson • Don McGrath • Benjamin Porcari

A.D. Miles as Narrator (voice) • Ana Gasteyer as Anne Heche (voice) • Matt Davis as Chicken Cult Leader (voice) • Joe Lo Truglio as Bellboy • John Thrall Bush as Bathroom Businessman

Doug and Rocky the Fish have a luau all by themselves while the Anipals help Chickie rescue his 95th son, Jason, from a cult.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. ALOHA!

2. WELCOME TO OUR SPECIAL TV FUNHOUSE HAWAIIAN SHOW.

3. WE'RE GONNA BE EATIN' ALL SORTS OF "HAWAIIAN-Y"-TYPE FOOD!

4. BUT WE CAN'T HAVE A LUAU WITHOUT OUR FRIENDS,

5. THE ANIPALS.

6. ALOHA, ANIPALS.

7. HEY, HOJO, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE GANG?

8. HI, DOUG.

9. THEY ALL WANTED TO BE HERE, I GOTTA GO TO—

10. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BIG LUAU.

11. LUAU, OH, YEAH, SORRY, DOUG,

12. I CAN'T COME TO THE LUAU, 'CAUSE I—

13. WE'RE GONNA BE DRINKING OUT OF COCONUTS,

14. AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE ROAST PIG—

15. RIGHT, RIGHT.

16. I CAN'T DO THAT, SEE, 'CAUSE I'M MUSLIM.

17. MUSLIM?

18. YEAH, YEAH, I'M ARABIAN,

19. AND YOU CAN'T EAT PIGS AND STUFF.

20. SORRY, I'D TRY TO GET OUT OF IT,

21. BUT THEY'RE REALLY FANATICS ABOUT IT.

22. WHERE ARE THE OTHER ANIPALS?

23. MUSLIMS, ALL OF THEM.

24. UH, WE'RE ALL MEETING, ACTUALLY, TO PRAY TO... GOD.

25. ALLAH?

26. YEAH, THAT'S THE GUY, YOU GOT IT.

27. CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

28. I WANNA TAKE THE PIPES.

29. SURE.

30. OH, WELL, ASSALAMU ALAIKUM.

31. HUH?

32. THAT'S MUSLIM-TALK FOR "ALOHA."

33. OH, SEE YOU.

34. WOW, THEY'RE ALL PRAYING.

35. WE SHOULD HAVE A MUSLIM DAY.

36. DID YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT RALPH?

37. IT'S THE WORST.

38. OH, YEAH, VERY SAD.

39. ICK! I THINK MY CAT IS DOG.

40. I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

41. MR. BEAU, YOU GOT DOG THERE?

42. GOOD, GOOD, CHINESE FOOD'S CONFUSING.

43. HOW'S THE PEKING DUCK, JEFFIE?

44. I HATE THAT I LOVE IT.

45. HEY, GUYS.

46. SO WHAT HAPPENED TO RALPH?

47. TERRIBLE, HIS WIFE LEFT HIM.

48. SHE CAUGHT HIM CROSS-DRESSING.

49. ( all ) OOH.

50. I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, HON.

51. JUST WANNA TAKE A LOOK AT THAT LEAKY FAUCET.

52. HONEY, IT WAS A GIFT FOR YOU, I WAS JUST TRYING IT ON—

53. WOW.

54. THAT'S A SICK FUCKING GUY.

55. HANK!

56. YOU HEARD ME.

57. THE TOWN'S BEING OVERRUN BY QUEERS AND FREAKS.

58. HER— NO, NOT HIM, HER.

59. YES, YES, SHE'LL DO NICELY.

60. HANK, COME ON.

61. THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO'D SAY I'M WEIRD

62. FOR EATING MY OLD CRAP.

63. UM, YEAH.

64. LOOK, WE'VE ALL GOT PROBLEMS.

65. MY SON FRIGGING HATES ME.

66. WHICH ONE?

67. JASON, MY 95th.

68. THE MIDDLE CHILD, THAT'S ALWAYS TOUGH.

69. YEAH, WELL, I CAUGHT HIM MASTURBATING.

70. HELLO, IS ANYBODY DOWN HERE?

71. OH, MY GOD!

72. OH, SORRY—

73. WHAT THE HELL, DON'T YOU KNOCK?

74. THERE'S NO DOOR IN THE LIVING ROOM—

75. I HATE YOU, I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU!

76. I HATE YOU, YOU'RE STUPID AND UGLY!

77. EASY! I AM NOT UGLY!

78. IT'S JUST A PHASE, HE'S A KID.

79. JUST WATCH HIM, OR HE'LL GROW UP A LITTLE—

80. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

81. I'M NOT UGLY.

82. CAN YOU WRAP THIS UP TO GO?

83. YOU'RE TAKING IT HOME?

84. YEAH, WELL, THAT "FAG-A-ROO" STORY KINDA RUINED MY APPETITE.

85. THE FACE IS THE BEST PART, AND IT'S ALL MINE.

86. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

87. ( announcer ) KIDDER, DOWNEY, AND HECHE!

88. PREVIOUSLY KNOWN FOR THEIR ACTING ABILITIES,

89. MARGOT KIDDER, ROBERT DOWNEY JR.,

90. AND ANNE HECHE DEVELOP AN UNCANNY KNACK

91. FOR WANDERING INTO THE HOMES OF TOTAL STRANGERS.

92. TOGETHER, THEY JOIN FORCES

93. TO USE THEIR GOD-GIVEN TRESPASSING SKILLS

94. TO HELP THOSE INNOCENT VICTIMS,

95. WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN,

96. ARE UNABLE TO OBTAIN A SEARCH WARRANT.

97. DOWNEY, KIDDER, AND HECHE?

98. COME RIGHT IN.

99. WE DON'T KNOCK IN THIS OFFICE, OR ANYWHERE ELSE.

100. WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

101. I DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN.

102. IT'S CORKY, MY DOG.

103. HE'S BEEN MISSING FOR FIVE DAYS.

104. ANNE, ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

105. FIVE DAYS, GOT IT.

106. I THINK SOMEBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOOK HIM.

107. BUT THE POLICE SAID, WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE,

108. THEY CAN'T ISSUE A SEARCH WARRANT.

109. SEARCH WARRANTS.

110. THE POLICE IN THIS CITY TEND TO GET HUNG UP

111. ON FOLLOWING THE LAW.

112. I'M DESPERATE, I'LL PAY ANYTHING FOR YOU TO WANDER AIMLESSLY

113. THROUGH MY NEIGHBORS' YARDS AND HOUSES.

114. MA'AM, I ASSURE YOU,

115. THE THREE OF US WILL NOT SLEEP OR BATHE

116. OR EAT OR DRINK ANY HEALTHY FOODS

117. UNTIL WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY STUMBLED UPON YOUR BELOVED OWL.

118. IT'S A DOG.

119. THANK YOU, THAT'S VERY HELPFUL.

120. KIDDER, YOU'RE GOING TO APPROACH FROM THE WEST.

121. I WANT YOU TO STAGGER DOWN GREEN HILL ROAD,

122. FAINT, MAKE A LEFT ON VINTON, CUT A CHUNK OUT OF YOUR HAIR,

123. BREAK INTO ALL THESE HOUSES,

124. AND THEN TAKE A CRAP IN THIS BACKYARD.

125. ROGER.

126. HECHE, THIS IS YOU.

127. YOU THROW UP HERE, HERE, AND HERE.

128. TAKE TWO TABS OF ECSTASY, TURN UP WOODLAND,

129. STAGGER AROUND THIS FIRE HYDRANT TEN TIMES.

130. BREAK INTO THIS HOUSE,

131. RUB LIPSTICK ALL OVER YOUR FACE, AND COLLAPSE IN THE BATHTUB.

132. PIECE OF CAKE.

133. SHOULD I TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES?

134. YOUR CALL, MARGOT.

135. REMEMBER, LADIES, IF WE'RE CAUGHT—

136. ( both ) SUNSTROKE.

137. LET'S FIND THAT DOG.

138. APPLESAUCE, STYROFOAM, "MAMALUKITHE," MAYONNAISE,

139. LIKE A PRETTY, PRETTY RAINBOW.

140. RABBIT, INDIAN, HORSESHOE, WHERE IS MY FATHER?

141. MEATBALLS?

142. CANDLES, YOU'RE NOT MY REGULAR DOCTOR.

143. RACECAR—

144. MOTHBALLS PETTICOAT.

145. STOP IGNORING ME, I HAVE A GRAPEFRUIT!

146. CLARK, WHERE WERE YOU?

147. GOOD WORK, KIDDER.

148. THAT'S THE OWL, ALL RIGHT.

149. OH, MY GOD, CORKY!

150. GOOD NEWS, MA'AM, WE FOUND YOUR TIGER.

151. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

152. WE ONLY SAID WE'D FIND HIM.

153. WE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT NOT BASHING HIS GODDAMNED FACE IN.

154. WOW, WE'RE HEROES.

155. THIS HAS GOTTA BE EMBARRASSING TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

156. KIDDER, DOWNEY AND HECHE, YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME!

157. I CAN'T FIND MY SON!

158. WE'RE ON IT, SIR.

159. JASON, JASON, JASON?

160. FUCKING BULLSHIT!

161. WHAT'S THE MATTER, BROTHER?

162. BUG OFF.

163. YOU SEEM SAD.

164. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER?

165. COMMUNITY WHAT?

166. HONEY, WHERE'S JASON?

167. I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE.

168. HE RAN OFF, SOMETHING ABOUT GOING AWAY FOREVER.

169. AND YOU LET HIM GO?

170. MM-HMM.

171. YOU LET AN EIGHT-WEEK-OLD RUN OFF INTO THE CITY?

172. OH, COME ON, HOW MUCH TROUBLE COULD HE GET INTO?

173. I'M A CHICKEN, I'M IN A CULT,

174. I WAS ANGRY AT MY FATHER.

175. ALOHA AGAIN!

176. THERE'S A STAR FOR EVERY STATE ON THE AMERICAN FLAG

177. AND HAWAII IS THE 50th STATE OF AMERICA.

178. LET'S GIVE HAWAII ITS OWN SPECIAL PLACE TODAY.

179. YAY, HAWAII!

180. NOW TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

181. ( narrator ) WE ARE TAUGHT THAT OUR BODIES ARE TEMPLES OF GOD

182. AND ARE TO BE CLEAN,

183. SO THAT THE HOLY GHOST MAY DWELL WITHIN US.

184. YOUNG MEN AROUND BILLY'S AGE USUALLY GET URGES

185. THAT THEY MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND.

186. IF YOU'RE NOT AT AN AGE OF CONSENT

187. AND HAVE NOT MADE A PROPER COMMITMENT

188. IN THE EYES OF THE LORD, YOU MUST RESIST THE TEMPTATION

189. TO HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT.

190. BOWEL MOVEMENTS ARE A SINFUL HABIT

191. THAT ROB US OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

192. AND CREATE GUILT AND EMOTIONAL STRESS.

193. WHILE IT'S TRUE THAT IT'S NOT HARMFUL

194. UNLESS PRACTICED IN THE EXTREME,

195. IT IS A HABIT THAT IS TOTALLY SELF-CENTERED AND SECRETIVE—

196. AND IT DEFEATS THE GOSPEL PLAN.

197. AS THE APOSTLE, PETER, SAID,

198. "SATAN IS ALWAYS TEMPTING US, LIKE A ROARING LION

199. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO DEVOUR."

200. AN OBSESSION WITH BOWEL MOVEMENTS

201. CAN LEAD TO NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

202. IT IS NORMAL FOR THE BOWELS TO BE EMPTIED OCCASIONALLY,

203. AT NIGHT, DURING SLEEP.

204. OFTEN, THIS CAN BE ACCOMPANIED

205. BY A DREAM OF LOGS FLOATING DOWN A RIVER.

206. THIS IS CALLED A NOCTURNAL EMISSION.

207. DON'T WORRY, IT'S ALL PART OF THE NORMAL PROCESS.

208. BUT IT'S SATAN WHO ALWAYS WANTS TO TRICK US

209. INTO SELF-INFLICTED BOWEL MOVEMENTS BEFORE WE ARE READY.

210. WHEN THE TEMPTATION TO HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT IS STRONG,

211. YELL, "STOP" IN YOUR MIND AS LOUD AS YOU CAN.

212. SING YOUR FAVORITE HYMN.

213. TALK TO YOUR PARISH PRIEST.

214. DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO TURN YOUR THOUGHTS AWAY

215. FROM THIS SELFISH NEED TO INDULGE IN A BOWEL MOVEMENT,

216. BECAUSE WHEN THE TIME IS FINALLY RIGHT,

217. HAVING A BOWEL MOVEMENT WILL BE RICHER AND MORE MEANINGFUL

218. THAN YOU EVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

219. WON'T YOU FEEL BETTER

220. IF YOU PUT SOME WHOLESOME THOUGHTS IN YOUR MIND

221. AND WAIT 'TIL YOU'RE READY,

222. ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN?

223. SHOW PATIENCE, SHOW DILIGENCE,

224. AND GOD WILL REWARD YOU.

225. MAHALO FOR COMING BACK ON THE BIG ISLAND

226. OF TV "FUNWAII."

227. THE ANIPALS ARE STILL PRAYING IN ARAB CHURCH,

228. BUT LOOK WHO'S HERE!

229. HEY, DOUG, WICKIE WACKIE WOO.

230. HEY, ROCKY, HOW YOU DOING?

231. TERRIFIC, IT'S HAWAII DAY!

232. YES, IT IS.

233. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A, HAVE A—

234. THANKS, WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN.

235. YES.

236. HEY, WHAT'D YOU MAKE?

237. OH, I GAVE HAWAII ITS OWN FLAG.

238. COOL!

239. YEAH, IT'S EASY.

240. ALL YOU NEED ARE SOME SCISSORS, A STAPLER,

241. AND THE AMERICAN FLAG.

242. HEY, I WANNA—

243. I WANNA—

244. I WANNA MAKE A HAWAIIAN FLAG.

245. CAN I BORROW THE SCISSORS?

246. HOLD IT, I ALREADY USED THE STAR FOR HAWAII.

247. GET YOUR OWN AMERICAN FLAG.

248. OKEE-DOKE.

249. WE'LL SEE YOU AFTER THIS.

250. NO, NO, NOT YET.

251. JASON! JASON!

252. YOU SEEN A CHICK AROUND HERE, HE LIKES PORN?

253. HEY, I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION, MAN.

254. YEAH, WOOF YOU.

255. I'M JUST ASKING YOU A QUESTION.

256. DO YOU KNOW A 5-INCH CHICK

257. WHO HAS A LACTATING FETISH?

258. PERIOD!

259. HE'S AN IDIOT.

260. HE'S ABOUT 5 INCHES TALL.

261. 4, 4 INCHES.

262. 4 INCHES TALL, A GOOD-LOOKING KID.

263. I DIDN'T SEE HIM AROUND.

264. JUST A PACK OF ROLOS, THEN.

265. AND A LOTTO TICKET, PLEASE.

266. HOW MUCH ARE THESE?

267. 25.

268. SCREW IT.

269. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, CHICKIE, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.

270. CHICKIE, IT'S NOT GOOD.

271. JASON!

272. WHAT IS THIS CRAP?

273. HE'S JOINED THAT KRISHVU CULT, CHICKIE.

274. CHICKIE?

275. CHICKIE?

276. CHICKIE, ARE YOU THERE?

277. CHICKIE, IT'S OKAY.

278. CHICKIE, THIS HAPPENS TO PARENTS ALL THE TIME.

279. CHICKIE, WE'RE ALL GOING TO TRY FOR YOU.

280. WE'RE ALL YOUR FRIENDS, WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU,

281. AND WE ALL LOVE YOU.

282. OH, MY GOD, MY KID'S A FREAK, I'M A BAD FATHER!

283. CALM DOWN, CHICKIE, WE CAN GET HIM BACK.

284. IT'S MY FAULT!

285. AND THE WIFE'S, BUT MOSTLY MINE.

286. I HATE MYSELF, I AM UGLY!

287. I HATE MY LIFE.

288. COME BACK, CHICKIE!

289. LET HIM GO.

290. RIGHT NOW, THE BEST THING WE CAN DO IS PRAY.

291. ( dog ) OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN,

292. HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

293. THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE,

294. ON EARTH—

295. BREAD AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES

296. AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.

297. "MAKALAKOOKA," FOLKS!

298. GUESS WHAT?

299. I FIGURE SINCE WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF ANIPALS

300. HERE FOR HAWAII DAY, I'D INVITE MY GRANDPA.

301. HE WAS THERE DURING WORLD WAR TWO.

302. YOU SEE, GRANDPA DALE WAS AT PEARL HARBOR

303. AND ROCKY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO

304. EVERY YEAR AROUND THIS TIME?

305. SURE DO, DOUGSY.

306. WE COMME— WE COMMEMMA—

307. WE COMMEMORATE PEARL HARBOR.

308. AND HOW DO WE DO IT?

309. WITH A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

310. WHERE'S BILLY, IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME?

311. LOOK, I FOUND AN APHID!

312. WELL, LET'S TAKE A RIDE OUT TO THE COUNTRY

313. AND SET THE LITTLE GUY FREE.

314. ( announcer ) NOT SO FAST, YOU'RE UNDER "ATTACK."

315. TIRED OF UNWANTED PESTS?

316. THEN GET THE SPRAY CAN THAT STOPS ROACHES DEAD.

317. I'M REALLY GONNA MAKE SOMETHING OF MY LIFE.

318. NOT IF "ATTACK" HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!

319. AND "ATTACK" DOESN'T STOP THERE.

320. MARTHA, MY DARLING.

321. AFTER YEARS OF SCRIMPING AND SAVING,

322. WE CAN FINALLY AFFORD TO RETIRE.

323. EVEN INFESTATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN PLAGUING YOUR HOUSE FOR YEARS

324. DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

325. I WILL BE AT YOUR SIDE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

326. I KNOW IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT THIS IS TRUE.

327. NO!

328. SO ATTACK WITH "ATTACK."

329. WILL YOU ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST

330. AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR?

331. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

332. WHAT THE HELL?

333. HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK,

334. HANK, HANK, HANK.

335. HANK! HUH?

336. CHICKIE THINKS HE'S FOUND THE KID,

337. WE CAN STOP PRAYING.

338. ARE YOU READY TO UNITE IN KRISHNU?

339. DEPOSIT YOUR TESTICLES ON THE 20-YARD LINE.

340. OKAY, WHISKERS, ON THREE, WE CALL FOR JASON, OKAY?

341. ONE, TWO, THREE—

342. JASON!

343. HEY, DON'T EAT THE KID!

344. COULD YOU NOT EAT THE KID, PLEASE?

345. WHISKERS, WHISKERS, GET OUT OF IT, MAN.

346. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

347. ( Chickie ) WHOSE ARM WAS THAT?

348. ( whistle ) MAKES YOU THINK, HUH?

349. THEY LEFT THEIR TESTICLES.

350. DON'T EAT THE KIDS' BALLS.