Trailer Park Boys 4x3

1. The sasquatch.

2. Fact or fiction?

3. Those big hairy monsters, they're real, trin.

4. - No, they're not. - Look at that thing.

5. What person ever moved like that in the history of people?

6. Fuck!

7. Is nocturnal by nature,

8. so logically there would be relatively few sightings.

9. Yet there have been

10. literally hundreds of sightings all across north America

11. for generations now.

12. Can all these people be wrong?

13. Trevor, stop fucking calling me. I got no dope.

14. Hey, bubs.

15. Man, are you watching this documentary of saskatchewan?

16. It's samquanch, Ricky,

17. and there's one outside my fucking door right now.

18. He's trying to get into my shed. Holy shit, bubbles,

19. I see him. Don't scare him.

20. This fucker's worth a lot of money.

21. Got the cock-sucker, bubbles.

22. Get him, daddy!

23. Jesus, he took my bat. He took my—ah!

24. Crank him, Ricky! Ah!

25. See how big his feet are.

26. What the fuck are you guys doing?

27. Holy fuck, he can talk, bubbles!

28. Oh, my god, Ricky. That's 'cause he is Julian.

29. Julian!

30. Holy fuck, man. Are you okay?

31. What the fuck were you doing, boys?

32. Sorry, Julian. We thought you were a sandsquanch.

33. What is going on?

34. Julian just beat the shit out of us with a bat.

35. God, you guys have got problems.

36. Trin, we're going to my mother's house for a couple days.

37. I don't want you to see your father in this light.

38. Have a great time, kids.

39. What's that supposed to mean, Lucy?

40. - Good night, daddy. - See ya, sweetie.

41. Lucy, it was an accident. Do I have a Mark here, Julian?

42. Is it ever tender. I'm going to bed, boys.

43. I'm sore as fuck. Good night.

44. Good night, Ricky. Top bunk, Julian.

45. I think bullard's coming on. Fuck that dick.

46. Where's shitrock at?

47. Shitrock?

48. Shitrock? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

49. Hey, bubbles, you awake? I need some duct tape, buddy.

50. My knee is fucked.

51. Hang on, Ricky.

52. Got you some cereal, man. It's new. It's fucking awesome.

53. Oh, yeah? Your knee's fucked, is it?

54. I got some tape somewhere, but... If you tape my arm up.

55. I'll look after it.

56. Boys, I can't even straighten my arm out.

57. Look what you did to me, Rick.

58. Oh, look who's despicably thinking about themselves, huh?

59. What about me, Julian? Look at my fucking eye.

60. See that? And I can't even walk. Being selfish, man.

61. Julian. Sorry we beat you up. I really am,

62. but I did think you were a samsquanch.

63. Why are you calling them samsquanches?

64. That's what I've called them since I was little.

65. Well, they don't exist.

66. Bullshit, they don't.

67. All right, this is the deal, boys.

68. We're gonna be doing some work today.

69. No fucking way. I gotta get drunk, I'm sore as fuck.

70. No, no, no. Boys, listen to me. Boys, boys.

71. You're gonna help me steal some furniture.

72. It's the least you can do.

73. I'm too sore, Julian.

74. Bubbles, go get some tape.

75. We'll tape ourselves up and we'll go steal some furniture

76. for Mr. fucking selfish.

77. Holy fuck, this cereal is good.

78. Fuck, Ricky, there's Barb. Cut your piss off.

79. I can't cut my piss off, bubbles, you know that.

80. 'Morning, boys. I hear you beat the shit out of each other

81. last night with baseball bats. That was smart.

82. Anyway, Richard, I wonder if you could explain

83. this purchase order I found

84. for a $2,000 everlast wrestling ring.

85. Barb, it's not a wrestling ring,

86. it's more like a multi-purpose community center.

87. Well, it says "wrestling ring" on the purchase order,

88. so I cancelled it. And I wonder when you are going to get around

89. to doing those clothesline repairs that we talked about

90. two weeks ago.

91. We're actually— we're doing that today.

92. I just gotta go pick up some clothesline wire—

93. Ricky!

94. I gotta pick up some poles,

95. we're gonna fix them today, Barb.

96. I'm sorry about that. Bubbles, I'm sorry. Jesus.

97. Good. That's great. Julian, if you are serious

98. about buying the park, I want a cash deposit, okay?

99. Not bottles, not dope, cash. And I want it today.

100. Otherwise, I'm going to list it with a real-estate agent.

101. - Fuck! - Barb, I'll have the money.

102. What are those fuckers up to?

103. Probably going for some shitdogs and fries, Mr. lahey.

104. Randy, I thought we agreed.

105. No more shit talk 'til we're back in power.

106. You ready for a little b & e, boy?

107. - Bacon and eggs? - Evidence gathering.

108. Just put this on Jim lahey's account. Sunnyvale.

109. - Ricky, I can't do that. - I guess you're gonna have

110. to pay for it yourself, then, 'cause we're fucking taking it.

111. Fucking Jacob.

112. Ah. Fuck!

113. Ah, fucking Jesus! Careful, Ricky. Careful.

114. Holy fuck, boys. Cyrus number one.

115. It says "dick"

116. and then the arrow points right to Cyrus.

117. Look at this, Randy.

118. Unopened trailer-park supervisor correspondence.

119. It's a good goddamned thing

120. we're back to take care of shit like this.

121. Check this map out, Mr. lahey.

122. Wonder what it's for? I haven't the foggiest notion.

123. But I got a niggling suspicion whatever it is, is gonna help

124. send Ricky up piss creek for a long time.

125. What are you guys doing here?

126. Ah, thanks for your concern, ma'am.

127. We thought, uh, we heard someone breaking in.

128. - What's that? - It's some map.

129. I'm gonna tell my father.

130. We got Corey and Trevor working on the clothesline.

131. 'Cause that's the last thing we need

132. Barbara lahey freaking out on us.

133. Where we going now, Ricky? We're gonna smoke a joint

134. and go steal some furniture from Julian. I know just the place.

135. The people are stupid and they got the best furniture.

136. Government buildings are so easy to Rob.

137. You can walk in here broad daylight

138. and take everything. No one even says anything.

139. Wait. We're actually about to start a production meeting.

140. There's new furniture coming in about five minutes.

141. So I'm just gonna take this stuff.

142. First, let me call my supervisor, please.

143. Actually I'd love to, but we need that phone. Sorry.

144. Hey, excuse me. Everybody, just put the stuff down, please.

145. Just keep that stuff coming right out here.

146. Where are you guys taking this stuff?

147. No, no, no. Just put it down.

148. You can't have our stuff, okay? Like, we need this.

149. We're trying to work here. Look, I'm trying to do my job.

150. Keep it coming. I need four loaders for the car.

151. Who said you could take this stuff out of here?

152. I mean, we need this—

153. - Paul or Jeff, his head office. - Jeff?

154. - I don't know. - You talked to Jeff?

155. Yeah. Everything's cool. There's gonna be new shit here

156. in about 10 minutes. It's a lot nicer than this shitty stuff.

157. - Oh, we're getting new stuff. - It's brand new, it's great.

158. I just talked to Jeff, and we're getting new stuff.

159. Keep it moving.

160. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

161. Randy and lahey broke in and tried to steal this

162. out of your chicken finger box.

163. Great, Ricky. They got half the dope map. Nice work, buddy.

164. Julian, it's not a big deal. They got a little piece

165. and we named all the dope fields after cats, anyway.

166. They won't have a fucking clue what that means.

167. It could've been a big deal, though, Ricky.

168. Lahey's gonna try anything to get us thrown back in jail!

169. Alright, we gotta set up a front to distract those dicks.

170. How much of the dope map did they get, Ricky?

171. Ouch, boys, I feel like I got hit by a fucking dump truck.

172. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?

173. A massage?

174. Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff but...

175. Why couldn't we just steal more furniture

176. and fill up these trailers with furniture

177. and fucking open, like, a used furniture store or some shit?

178. A used furniture store is not a bad idea, Julian.

179. Keep lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.

180. Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

181. We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right.

182. But we're gonna rent them out by the hour.

183. - Oh, that's greasy. - That's really fucking greasy.

184. - Yeah, it's greasy. - Gre-he-he-eeasy!

185. What's up, Julian, bubbles, man?

186. You guys look fucked up, man.

187. Don't even want to talk about it.

188. Look, j-roc, I'm looking for some ladies.

189. I know you know what kind of ladies I'm talking about.

190. Man, talk to my manager, bitch.

191. Manager?

192. Yeah, that's right. I'm representing j-roc now.

193. I'm representing t-knuckles and finally I'm taking

194. these guys' careers to a whole new level and new direction

195. and finally putting sunnyvale trailer park on the map.

196. - For real. - For real.

197. Look, man, I'm opening up a massage parlor, all right?

198. I need six ladies.

199. Are you talking about opening up a rub-a-tiz'zub, mo-fucker?

200. I'm feeling that. I'm feeling that.

201. - A rub 'n' tug? - Yeah.

202. Let me talk to you, then. I'll do you what you want.

203. I'll get you the ladies. I'll get you the hos.

204. I'm gonna let you know from jump street

205. it's gonna cost you at least thirty points, homey.

206. What do you think, bubs?

207. Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

208. They're good hos, man. I'm telling you.

209. What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

210. Alright, alright. Done. Three o'clock.

211. I'll see you then. I'll be here waiting with the hos.

212. - Peace out, sling blade. - It's not a sling, j-roc.

213. It's duct tape. Just get the hos.

214. This is the perfect opportunity for you right now.

215. Massage parlors, hos. This is the type of greasy shit

216. you need to be associated with. Fucking right, boy.

217. I'm gonna tell you one other thing, homey.

218. This type of shit is gonna land the pimp in jail too.

219. Know what I'm saying?

220. Jail? I don't fucking play jail, ma-fucker.

221. You're gonna have to play jail. I'm just letting you know.

222. Jail is what's gonna make you sell records.

223. The album's coming out. And hey, t,

224. you gotta make sure that when it goes down,

225. you got the pictures taken for the album cover.

226. - I'm not going to jail! - You gotta to sell this record.

227. People are gonna be there the day that that album comes out.

228. They're gonna be in the stores waiting for that.

229. So if he goes to jail, ah, man, it's gonna be perfect.

230. I'm telling you. It's gonna go down.

231. I don't know about you, man, but I ain't going to jail, man.

232. I ain't going to jail either.

233. Like I'll fucking go to jail, know what I'm saying?

234. 'Cause I'm hard, right. I aint shook about going to jail.

235. But it's, like, I kinda like my freedom too at the same time.

236. Boys, if you're here,

237. you better get the fuck over here right now.

238. - What's up, dude? - Thanks for letting lahey

239. and Randy break into my trailer, boys. Real smart.

240. I didn't hear anything.

241. 'Cause you're playing fucking video games!

242. - What's going on in here? - Sarah, calm down.

243. What did I tell you about taking advantage of these guys?

244. I'm not taking advantage of them. I love those guys.

245. No you don't. Corey and Trevor are mine now. I love them.

246. Sarah, we've owned Corey and Trevor since they were six.

247. Okay, so, no offense, but they're coming with us.

248. Boys, wait outside.

249. - Okay. - No, stay.

250. If you give them twenty bucks right now,

251. you can have them for one hour

252. and they're not leaving the park.

253. Fine. Here's a gram of hash, boys. Split 'er up.

254. - Take it. - Nice.

255. I said twenty bucks.

256. Here's a little piece for you to calm down.

257. I want them to stay in the park, Ricky.

258. They're not leaving the park.

259. We're fucking staying right here in the trailer, I promise.

260. Give me that hash back, boys. This stuff is shit.

261. Sorry, I'll give you some good stuff later.

262. Trevor, chips and smokes, let's go. Let's go.

263. Boys,

264. you're gonna go to the dump, steal a garbage truck,

265. hook up with us at a hotel,

266. we're gonna move some furniture, okay. That's it.

267. And don't fuck this up, 'cause Julian's counting on you.

268. He'll kill you. Cool.

269. Trevor!

270. Bubbles' cats. Deciduous trees.

271. Mr. lahey.

272. Jesus, Jim, you look like... Ah, god!

273. - Barb, what can I do for you? - I thought you should know,

274. I'm having a bit of financial trouble.

275. I, uh, I've decided I've got to sell the park.

276. Well, Barb, who in the hell's gonna buy sunnyvale

277. in the financial state that Ricky's left it in?

278. Ricky and Julian and bubbles are gonna buy sunnyvale.

279. They're gonna give me a cash deposit tomorrow.

280. Look, I'm sorry, Jim. Okay?

281. Jesus, Barb, you gotta be kidding.

282. No. No, I'm not kidding.

283. Alright, get three rooms, Ricky.

284. Okay, nice work with the garbage truck, boys.

285. Now we got 4.5 minutes here.

286. How's it going, captain?

287. - You looking at my gut? - No.

288. - Yes, you were. - I just took a little peek.

289. - I saw ya. - I'm sorry.

290. What are you looking at my gut for?

291. I'm just fucking with ya. What can I do with you?

292. We just drove from Toronto for the garbage-truck convention.

293. Me and the boys just want to get a few rooms,

294. couple of hours, grab some sleep.

295. Take credit card? Anything you want, Mr. lahey.

296. Just call me Jim. That's cool.

297. Take all the stuff out of these motel rooms and load them

298. onto the garbage truck. Leave nothing behind.

299. We're all sore as fuck, so you two have to do all the loading.

300. Do you understand? Cool, man.

301. - Trevor? - Yeah, I understand.

302. Alright, boys, we're clear. Hurry up! Hurry up!

303. Don't wrap the cord up, just take the thing out.

304. - Time, bubbles? - Two minutes.

305. - It's still clear, boys. - Ow! God.

306. Oh, good going, Corey.

307. Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy?

308. Grab the carpet.

309. I need something to rip it up, in the corner.

310. Use your fingers. They're like fucking skeleton fingers!

311. - Good job, boys. - Heads up, boys.

312. You guys might have to fight this guy. We're too sore.

313. Whatever you do, do not look at his gut.

314. Don't look at his gut, bubbles.

315. What's going on here? There's no furniture.

316. What the fuck are we supposed to sleep on? The floor?

317. What's going on here, Mr. lahey? Huh?

318. Where's my furniture? It was here two hours ago.

319. That's what I'd like to know.

320. I don't wanna sleep on a floor and neither do these guys.

321. - What are you looking at? - Nothing.

322. - Huh? - Nothing.

323. - I'm calling the cops, man. - You can't call the cops.

324. I should call the cops. I could sue you.

325. I rented a room, there's nothing to sleep on but a floor.

326. - Stop looking at it. - I'm not.

327. - Stop looking at it, bubbles. - Julian, I was just reading

328. where it says "Vancouver."

329. Everybody's looking at your gut.

330. It's fucking huge. Let's just get this over with.

331. Look, everybody, take a good fucking look.

332. What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.

333. Why do you have a problem with that?

334. I don't have a problem.

335. It's you guys who keep looking at it.

336. You are fucked. So what, you got a gut.

337. It's not a big deal. Let's go, boys.

338. What are you looking at?

339. Open up the gate, yo! Let's go!

340. Thanks for coming, ladies.

341. Know what I'm saying? On such short notice.

342. It's gonna be straight-up, know what I'm saying?

343. It's gonna be a cash operation. You're all gonna get paid today.

344. It's gonna be dope.

345. All high-class, j-roc up in this mo-fucker.

346. This is "ten toes," Mr. lahey.

347. That's the name of one of bubbles' new kitties.

348. He's got ten toes. I've seen him, Mr. lahey.

349. Listen, the xs are kittens, Randy.

350. Sex kittens.

351. - Prostitution? - Right.

352. Listen, they've used a clever feline simile

353. to throw us off the scent

354. but if we document everything carefully, Randy,

355. we've got 'em.

356. We don't do this all the time. Know what I mean?

357. We make records, that's what we do.

358. J-roc, can you help me, please?

359. That's my manager, sucker.

360. Julian, what is this shit? We can't work in here.

361. There's no mattresses, there's no plumbing—

362. shhh! Listen, listen. We got all kinds of towels,

363. there's all kinds of beds, lots of clean sheets. Come on.

364. You're gonna get beds?

365. Dude man, this shit's all stuck. Can you open it up?

366. Oh, shit! No, dude! No, no, turn it off! Oh, shit!

367. - Oh, fuck. - Oh, my god!

368. Nice fucking going! That's Julian's furniture.

369. It's not our fault, Ricky. The sweeper's wired backward.

370. Well, you better fucking fix it!

371. We can't, dude. We gotta go do Sarah's hair!

372. - We gotta do it, Ricky. - You're not doing Sarah's hair,

373. you're fixing fucking furniture. Now get to work.

374. I'll deal with Sarah. Nice fucking going, you idiots!

375. - Nice one, Trevor. - Fuck off, Corey.

376. Dog, I'm gonna set you up with the fantasy island theme room,

377. that's Alexis. She got a tattoo. Know what I mean?

378. But it's 40 mo-fuckers, g.

379. Hit me up. Have fun. Know what I'm saying?

380. Yo, dvs. Listen, man, I need more ladies, okay?

381. I got all kinds of customers. Some are walking away.

382. I'm losing serious cash.

383. Alright, I'm on it, dog. I'm gonna call it right now.

384. I'm just letting you know, he keeps a real tight leash

385. on his bitches, man.

386. Don't care. Just get 'em the fuck down here.

387. I'm gonna call them right now. Don't worry about a thing.

388. J-rock where's Corey and Trevor at?

389. Boys, quit staring and fix this fucking furniture. Jesus!

390. - Boys, massages, let's go. - We're getting a massage, dude?

391. No, no. I want you guys to give the massages.

392. - No way, Julian. - Just put those gloves on.

393. It's no big deal. Get the fuck in there.

394. I need your help. There's not enough ladies here.

395. - Forget it, Julian, no. - Boys, I need your help.

396. Are you cool with this, Corey?

397. Might be fun.

398. - Thanks, boys. - Hurry up,

399. you gotta fix this fucking furniture.

400. Here, you two guys are up. You guys head on in there.

401. - Where's this guy at, anyway? - Chill out, Julian.

402. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, know what I'm saying?

403. Cyrus?

404. What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

405. Well, well, well. If it isn't the big tough Julian.

406. Duh, bu-bu-bubble telescope, and helmet head.

407. Fucking call me a telescope.

408. Ladies, the boss is home.

409. It's been a long time no see, dickweeds.

410. Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

411. Why don't we fuck on?

412. Julian, where's the hand cream?

413. I know one of you dickheads did this to my car.

414. 'Cause you're the only one that knows I failed grade 10.

415. - You failed grade 10? - Fuck off.

416. What's this, I'm a fuckhead? Huh?

417. Actually it says "I'm fucked in the head," 'cause you are.

418. Ricky, where the fuck are Corey and Trevor?

419. I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

420. I don't fucking know. They went home two hours ago.

421. I don't have them. You must still have them.

422. Get your hands off it! I came for a lady!

423. Not fucking Corey and Trevor!

424. - Julian made me do it. - Get over here right now!

425. I get home, the trailer's still a mess

426. and I find you guys here jerking off men?

427. Whoa, whoa! Nothing actually happened yet.

428. Shut up. I don't want to here it. I want you guys to go home

429. and I want you to clean—

430. shut the fuck up. Dirty dancer.

431. I assume you're running this little shit show.

432. You owe me some money. And I want it right fucking now.

433. - Put the gun away, Cyrus. - Yeah, Cyrus,

434. why don't you fuck off and go home, ass chin.

435. Chill out for a sec. Listen, I'll give you some money

436. for your ladies tomorrow. So put your little gun away,

437. because we all know you're not gonna use it.

438. Yeah, 'cause you're too afraid.

439. You don't think I'm afraid to use this?

440. Dance, boys.

441. Dance.

442. Come on, man.

443. There's all kinds of gunfire and shit going down.

444. I'm calling the fucking cops right now.

445. Listen, Ty, this is gonna be your chance.

446. You're gonna make sure you got the camera.

447. This is the album cover, mo-fucker.

448. I'm not fucking around here.

449. I want my money or someone's gonna get shot.

450. This is our park, Mr. lahey!

451. I can't stand around and take this bullshit.

452. I'll take all three of you crippled fuckheads on

453. at the same time, or are you scared?

454. Cyrus, we're not scared of you.

455. We're just all too sore to fight you because me and Ricky

456. thought Julian was a samsquanch monster

457. and we beat each other up with baseball bats.

458. Friggin' Cyrus.

459. Randy takes his pants off now when he wants to fight.

460. He can't fight in tight pants.

461. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants.

462. When the pants come off, look the fuck out.

463. No one here is man enough to knock this chip off my shoulder.

464. Huh?

465. I am, Cyrus. I'm way more of a man than you'll ever be,

466. you dirty bitch.

467. - Is that right? - Mm-hmm.

468. Well, what are you gonna do?

469. Hmm? Squish me with that whale blubber, there, fruity nuts?

470. Kiss my hand and say I'm a little bitch!

471. You're a little bitch.

472. Say it like you mean it, Cyrus!

473. - I'm a little bitch. - Alright, alright.

474. That's enough. You beat him.

475. Now frig off, Cyrus. Get the hell out of here.

476. And stay the hell out of sunnyvale!

477. Fuck off. I got work to do.

478. Come on j, come on, man. Seriously, yo.

479. Get into character, mo-fucker. We worked hard for this shit.

480. - I got this shit. - Smoking track...

481. The album! Just think of the album cover.

482. Someone want to tell me what the hell's going on here?

483. - I'll tell you, bitch. - Bitch? You call me "bitch"?

484. I shot the place up!

485. - You didn't call me "bitch! - Those are my bitches, there,

486. and I'm on crack!

487. - Crack? - See that pipe?

488. That's real shit. Keep shooting, t.

489. Representing' sunnyvale hard as fuck!

490. Hold it down, j! Sunnyvale!

491. What the fuck was that? What are you doing, j-roc?

492. Was that real crack he was smoking?

493. Here, man, you want some chips.

494. What are you doing here, lahey? Get the fuck out of here.

495. Watch what you're sayin, or you'll be fucking next.

496. - I'm not afraid of you, Randy. - I'm not scared of you either.

497. You're lucky I'm fucking sore right now, I'll tell you that.

498. Hey, Ricky. He's your folk art.

499. Fuck off, dicksmack.

500. Guess you won't be needing it anymore, will you, Ricky?

501. See, Julian, it's not bad.

502. We can take the tin foil off the walls if you want.

503. - Just leave it. It looks cool. - I like the tin foil too.

504. I think— fuck!

505. Are Corey and Trevor fucked in the head?

506. Who can't fix a fucking chair?

507. Rick, that's the least of our concerns right now, all right.

508. Jesus Christ.

509. What do you mean?

510. Well, Rick, we don't have any money.

511. The cops seized all the cash from the fucking rub 'n' tug.

512. - How much do we have left? - Forty bucks.

513. That's it?

514. Well, you guys want to get something to eat?