Trailer Park Boys 3x8

1. What's wrong, sweetie?

2. You're always in jail at Christmas.

3. I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year.

4. That's what the cruise is all about.

5. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of going to jail.

6. I'll tell you what. I got a great idea.

7. Why don't we have Christmas today?

8. Really?

9. Make up for all the Christmas I was in jail, drunk.

10. We'll have real presents and everything.

11. Cool!

12. Come on out.

13. You're not allowed doing that. That's littering.

14. I've noticed that if you throw something into a water body,

15. like a lake or an ocean,

16. that the next day you come back and its gone,

17. so somehow it takes it away and filters it through,

18. and it just cleans it up

19. like a garbage compactor or whatever.

20. So it's not really littering, if you ask me.

21. That's fine; The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie.

22. Ah, shit!

23. We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, trin.

24. See, you have to count the number of bolts.

25. One, two, three, four, five.

26. And daddy's car has one, two, three, four, five.

27. So this tire will fit on daddy's car.

28. Here, try putting your foot up on there like this.

29. There you go. See, you can do it.

30. I did it!

31. Ricky?

32. Listen, how come you're not excited

33. about going on this cruise?

34. I am excited, bubbles.

35. You know, I think it's pretty awesome.

36. Julian planning this whole thing and it worked out.

37. He's a good fucking thinker, but...

38. I just don't want to leave Trinity, man.

39. I'm going to miss big-time.

40. That's why I want this to be the best Christmas ever.

41. I've got a lot of making up to do

42. cause I'm always in fucking jail at Christmas.

43. Come on, boys, let's pick up the cruise tickets. Come on!

44. Bubbles, get in the back?

45. I'll mess up my hair up, convertible.

46. - There's your tickets. - Right on.

47. Wait, there's, uh, one more, right?

48. The bonus ticket special? Buy seven, get one free?

49. There's only seven tickets here. There should be eight.

50. Well, Ricky was supposed to phone me back

51. to confirm the free ticket.

52. I left him three messages and he never returned my calls.

53. Usually, if you want to get a hold of Ricky,

54. you've got to go down to the car

55. or walk around the park looking for him, yelling for him.

56. You can't just phone him up.

57. There's only seven of us going anyway.

58. It's no big deal.

59. Where's my ticket, Ricky?

60. Julian, bubbles...

61. Corey, Trevor, Lucy, Sara, Erica? Erica?

62. What the fuck, Julian? Where's my ticket?

63. Julian never told anybody that he was going to use

64. one of those for his new girlfriend.

65. Relax, all right?

66. We can still get the bonus ticket now, right?

67. I'm sorry gentlemen. That promotion ended last week.

68. It's too late now. The ship sails at six.

69. Now Ricky doesn't have a fucking ticket.

70. Sometimes you can just hear the things

71. fucking shorting out in his brain.

72. I don't know what he's going to do.

73. And we're going to try to make Corey and Trevor

74. come up with $4,200 in about four hours.

75. It's kind of unfortunate that we've been paying

76. in to the vacation pay with Julian

77. but something— there was some sort of a mistake

78. or an accounting error and our— our money got lost.

79. Corey and Trevor are as stupid as fuck.

80. If this is going to happen,

81. I'm in charge of how we get the money,

82. 'cause I'm not stupid.

83. Uh-oh, Julian.

84. The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine.

85. And it doesn't take rocket appliances to realize

86. all you got to do is take a fucking chain,

87. hook it up to a truck,

88. and yank the fucking bank machine out of the store.

89. The stupidest thing is,

90. the people that make the bank machines,

91. they don't even check with the people that make the doors.

92. All they have to do is make the door

93. smaller than the bank machine,

94. you can't get the bank machine out.

95. Dude, I don't care how we do it,

96. but we're going on a cruise, man.

97. It's all about the ladies, dude, ladies.

98. We're going to have to come back and get this,

99. 'cause I still gotta do my laundry.

100. Yeah, man, let's Rob the laundry-mat.

101. Shit, they got quarters and loonies and stuff.

102. That's a dope idea.

103. Do you have any tube socks?

104. Fuck, man, that's what I was looking for.

105. - So, Ricky? - Uh-huh?

106. Corey and Trevor stealing a bank machine.

107. Do you think that's a good idea?

108. I would have did it myself, bubbles,

109. but I'm not going back to jail—fuck that.

110. Besides, Julian's the one that screwed everything up.

111. Ricky, I just want you and Erica

112. to get along with each other, okay?

113. So could you please give her another chance?

114. You've got chicken on your lip.

115. Ricky... This doesn't look good.

116. Uh-oh.

117. He was having Christmas dinner with his family,

118. with his daughter.

119. There was a lot of unnecessary enforcement and reinforcement,

120. and lahey comes in.

121. - Ricky. - What the fuck's going on here?

122. I've been waiting a long time for this, boy.

123. For what?

124. You know the lease you signed for your lot, Rick?

125. Yeah.

126. It said if you made more than five

127. sunnyvale bylaw infractions,

128. you were out on your ass.

129. But I didn't, so fuck you.

130. Oh yeah? Outstanding lot fees with written warnings,

131. public drunkenness, trafficking, littering,

132. excessive firearm discharge,

133. environmental oil test results.

134. It's all there, officer.

135. Well, when Ricky first got out of jail, Mr. lahey tricked him

136. into signing a legal thing saying that, um,

137. he'd abide by the sunnyvale rules and regulations.

138. And, you know, maybe Ricky thought he could do it.

139. I don't know.

140. You know what? You think you're so big and important,

141. showing off in front of the cops.

142. That's what's going on here.

143. I'm just doing my job, Ricky. A real job.

144. Something you'll never have

145. the pleasure or mental capacity to understand.

146. I could do your fucking job in a second.

147. Not in a second. Never. You know why, Rick?

148. - Why? - 'Cause you're a loser.

149. At least he's not a drunk.

150. Daddy's gotta go take care of some bullshit, alright?

151. I'll be back in a bit and we'll finish celebrating Christmas.

152. I'm sorry. I love you pumpkin. I'll be back in a bit.

153. Ricky kind of freaked out and threw a Turkey,

154. which might have gone through a windshield

155. of one of the cop cars, they're saying.

156. But, it's like, anyone would have done that.

157. Holy fuck!

158. That was a perfectly good Turkey.

159. Come here, fella.

160. Come here, buddy. It's still good.

161. Nah, no man should have to leave where he's from.

162. It shouldn't have happened.

163. You see this line? That's the freedom line, Ricky.

164. You come back over that line and you go to jail.

165. Like what, like this?

166. Like that? Am I going to jail now, huh?

167. If I had my choice, I probably wouldn't go back to jail,

168. but really jail is not that bad, and that's the thing,

169. is that I was getting pissed off at people in this park

170. and the way I was being treated,

171. and sometimes jail is better than this place.

172. Ah, once a criminal, always a criminal, huh?

173. That's what everybody thinks?

174. 'Cause if that's the case,

175. I may as well march my ass back to jail,

176. where it's nice and warm.

177. I'm gonna spend the fucking winter there

178. getting drunk and stoned with good dope.

179. Is that the end of the great

180. sunnyvale trailer park eviction speech, Ricky?

181. Actually, it's not.

182. Hope you're fucking proud of yourself,

183. 'cause the end of my speech is, fuck you, fuck you,

184. fuck you, fuck you, fuck everybody.

185. Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay?

186. Corey and Trevor, they're going to get the money.

187. So smarten up, man, enough of this crazy shit, Rick.

188. - You just don't get it, do you? - What?

189. Have fun on your little cop cruise, alright?

190. Just remember what you gave up.

191. A fucking guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with,

192. didn't ask any fucking questions about nothing.

193. Just hang out and had a good fucking time.

194. Broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by.

195. Just remember, you gave that up for a fucking girlfriend, buddy.

196. A fucking cop girlfriend.

197. I know I won't forget it. Thanks a lot.

198. Sorry, buddy, you have a good time on the cruise.

199. You deserve it.

200. Everybody else can fuck off.

201. That was a good speech, Ricky.

202. If you want to come visit me, Julian, I'll be in jail.

203. Thanks, buddy.

204. Oh fuck.

205. Excuse me, sir, can you please step 20 feet away

206. from the pump and extinguish your cigarette?

207. Can you please fuck off? Thank you.

208. Come on, Ricky, put it out.

209. You got me fired from nine jobs already this summer,

210. and I can't handle it.

211. I'm gonna call the cops. Go ahead, Jacob.

212. Call the fucking cops. I dare ya.

213. But you know what, you're not gonna call the cops, are you?

214. 'Cause you're scared. Please call them.

215. I want to fucking go to jail anyway—dick.

216. Yeah, I'm calling them.

217. Yes, I'd like to report a robbery, please.

218. Ah, fuck off, Jacob!

219. It's a black car with no door

220. and a bunch of crap hanging off the back.

221. Freak driving it.

222. Yeah, the gas station.

223. I can't believe this shit.

224. Did that guy steal something?

225. Yeah, man, he stole a bunch of shit from me.

226. Did he tell you to call the cops?

227. Yeah, he was daring me to, and I called them.

228. They're on their way.

229. Look, my friend has psychological problems.

230. I want you to call the cops back and tell them you fucked up.

231. He stole about two hundred bucks worth of shit.

232. Like, I don't know.

233. Here. There's 70 bucks. That should cover it.

234. Uh, I'm gonna get in shit with my boss.

235. And here's 20 bucks for calling the cops back.

236. Are we cool? Yeah man, we're cool.

237. Thanks, man.

238. Hey, everybody, come on over here, please.

239. Just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck,

240. driving around town drunk.

241. I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police.

242. I want to go back to jail. Please.

243. Not only that, but I've got a loaded handgun right here.

244. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops.

245. What, you're not going to call the police?

246. Ah, fucking Julian, great.

247. You've got two options here, okay?

248. One, go on this awesome cruise with all your friends,

249. all-inclusive, have a good time.

250. Or number two, go to jail.

251. This isn't a difficult decision, Ricky.

252. I'm not going on the cruise if Erica is, all right?

253. So I guess I'm going the fuck back to jail.

254. That's why I'm doing this shit.

255. Well, Erica's just got this attitude

256. like she's better than everybody else

257. just cause she's wearing a fucking badge,

258. and that's bullshit.

259. She's not better than me.

260. We just have different occupations or whatever.

261. I'm just as good as she is.

262. You've changed man.

263. Meet me back at the trailer park. Rick.

264. - Sure, Julian. - I'm not joking here.

265. I'll meet you back there.

266. I'll be there in two minutes. No problem.

267. You just wait for me. I'll be right there, buddy.

268. Fuck that. We're going somewhere else.

269. Come with me, guys.

270. Alright! Somebody come and fucking arrest me, please!

271. Listen...

272. I need you to keep an eye on Ricky for a little while, okay?

273. I want to go to jail! Do you hear me?

274. I think he really wants to go back to jail.

275. "Closed for renovations"? This is fucked!

276. Alright, Julian. I'll do it but...

277. Don't you notice the look Ricky has in his eye?

278. That crazy look?

279. I've seen that before, and... It scares me.

280. I don't want anything stupid ruining this cruise on us.

281. Hey, everybody! How you doing?

282. This is my friend Mr. gun.

283. My special guest Smith & Wesson says get your ass down

284. and give me some quarters.

285. This is a stick up, real deal,

286. real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done.

287. Yeah, so listen to the thug, 'cause that's what I say

288. when I rock—

289. stop fucking rapping, man. This is the real thing.

290. Down please, miss. Down. Down.

291. Alright, you just keep doing what you're doing.

292. Your cool. That's alright.

293. Tall boy, get down!

294. Don't make me fucking get up there—down!

295. Give us your change now.

296. Dude, just take the fucking quarters.

297. Please get on the ground.

298. Aw, man, look at these things of detergent.

299. We should take some of these too.

300. Thank you very much. Thank you.

301. This thing's awesome, man.

302. That's a little big, dude. I can't drive this shit.

303. I'll drive it. Just get us in there, man.

304. So what did you want to talk about?

305. Listen, we've got to work this whole Ricky situation out.

306. I mean, I know you don't think too highly of him

307. and everything, but he's a good guy.

308. He's my best friend.

309. I really want him to go on this cruise with us.

310. Okay, no offense, Julian.

311. Ricky's a skid. He belongs in jail.

312. When are you going to grow up and see that?

313. Look, I know you guys go way back, but...

314. This isn't junior high school anymore.

315. Lahey's right. Ricky's a loser.

316. I really think it's time for you to get out of the park, Julian.

317. The people you hang out with are fucked up.

318. Where'd you get the coins, boys?

319. Uh, we were gambling with Trevor's grandmother.

320. But we weren't gambling, though. We were just...

321. Why don't you call me

322. when you're finished with your friends?

323. Don't be pulling shit like that

324. in front of Erica again, you got it?

325. Sorry, dude. But, man, we got the money.

326. 1,800 bucks in quarters, man. We're going on the trip—a-rah!

327. 1,800 bucks. You know what?

328. That's not enough.

329. Now roll that fucking coin up and go get some more money.

330. I just don't understand why you'd want

331. to give up the finer things in life,

332. like getting drunk and stoned with your friends

333. to settle down for— I mean, that's ridiculous.

334. And I want to go on this cruise, but I'm not going on a cruise

335. with Julian and his police officer girlfriend—fuck that.

336. All I know is, when I'm 70 years old

337. and I'm sitting on my front porch

338. still getting drunk and stoned with my friends,

339. who's going to be happier, me or him?

340. I guarantee you, it's going to be fucking me.

341. Oh my god, Ricky. What have you done now?

342. Come on, Julian... Come on, answer...

343. Julian, it's me.

344. You've got to get down to the liquor store.

345. Ricky's inside.

346. He's getting drunk and he's swearing.

347. Bubbles, I see you out there. I'm not stupid.

348. There's a fucking camera crew too.

349. Don't fucking film me.

350. He's whipping bottles at me, Julian!

351. Bubbles, come in here and have a drink with me

352. before I go to jail, buddy, come on.

353. Alright, I'll try to stall him,

354. but get down here.

355. Where's the tape on this thing?

356. Come on, Ricky.

357. My name's Ricky from sunnyvale trailer park.

358. And I want to go to fucking jail, alright?

359. So come and get me. Come and take me away.

360. Ricky, what are you doing?

361. This is stupid, Ricky.

362. What are you going to do, Julian?

363. Get drunk with the boys or hang out with the girlfriend?

364. Listen, I've got half the money for your ticket.

365. Corey and Trevor will be in third class.

366. You're gonna get a first class suite.

367. No, I'm not, 'cause I'm going back to jail

368. in about ten minutes.

369. Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavored rum?

370. Dope-flavored rum? Where?

371. Get him, Julian!

372. It's gonna be cool, Ricky.

373. I just wanna go to jail!

374. Get in the back seat.

375. Julian, I got the surveillance tape.

376. Good, you've got to drive, bubbles.

377. What if I get pulled over?

378. Stick to the speed limit, you won't get pulled over.

379. Oh, no, Ricky.

380. Okay, Ricky. Just relax.

381. Don't worry. I can take care of this.

382. I've seen you do it a hundred times.

383. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

384. Hi, officer, how are you doing today?

385. I'll just step out now.

386. I can't get my door open.

387. Just wait. I'll get out this way.

388. Uh-oh now, hang on now.

389. Oh oh. Yup, this way is fine too.

390. I can get out that way. That's not a problem.

391. Me and my buddy, there,

392. we're doing a kind of a university prank

393. on him for initiation.

394. Oh, no. Calm down please.

395. Thanks a lot, Julian!

396. What the hell is going on here?

397. We lost the car, Julian.

398. Get in.

399. Okay, boys.

400. Look what we got, Randy. Shit storm troopers.

401. - Ricky, stay in the car. - Good advice.

402. Lift this gate up, lahey.

403. I don't have time for this today.

404. Ricky, you cross that line, you're going to jail, boy!

405. Perfect, ass face, 'cause I want to go to jail.

406. Fuck off, Randy!

407. Jim, we're just going to my trailer to talk.

408. Randy, go call the cops.

409. Tell them we got an illegal alien trying to jump the border.

410. All right, you wait here, Ricky.

411. I'm going to go grab some mix and ice.

412. We'll go talk somewhere else. Bubbles, keep an eye on him.

413. Make sure he doesn't cross the line.

414. - Ricky, Ricky... - Come on, guys...

415. - You're not going back to jail. - I want to, though.

416. What's the problem this time, boys?

417. Captain shit-acular is raising shit in sunnyvale again.

418. And when he called us and said,

419. "this is what is happening,

420. you have to come out here and help," I have no choice.

421. I would say that Ricky's

422. a shit leopard that can't change it's spots.

423. Please, take me away.

424. I want you to; I want you to take me to jail.

425. Look, I'm not going to play into your shit, okay?

426. Then you and your little boyfriend

427. can live happy hour ever after.

428. Isn't that what you want?

429. Ricky, I'm really trying to like you, okay?

430. You're not making it easy.

431. Well, maybe this will help.

432. Fuck off.

433. Okay, that's it.

434. Bring him over here, bubbles.

435. This is a police emergency.

436. I'm going to have to take your cab.

437. I'm crossing your little fucking line, lahey!

438. Just take him out of the park, anywhere, I don't care.

439. Don't fucking slam the door on me.

440. Tell Julian it was nice knowing him

441. since elemental school— breaking the fucking law

442. with guns and dope and everything else!

443. Ricky told us just to hook everything up

444. and tear the bank machine out of the wall,

445. and that we could just take the money out,

446. that we could just make a withdrawal

447. when we get it back to the park.

448. - What's up, Ricky? - How's it going, boys?

449. Where's the store clerk? Tied him up out back, man.

450. He probably just wants to be a part of it with us.

451. It's an exciting job, and he's been pretty cool as of late.

452. So a lot of people like

453. to work with people who are good at things

454. and kind of job shadow them or whatever,

455. and I think it would be an awesome opportunity for Ricky.

456. - Is this all secure? - It's all set up.

457. Get the fuck out, guys. I'm taking over the job.

458. Get the fuck out. Good job. What?

459. Get out!

460. My name is Ricky; I'm from the sunnyvale trailer park,

461. and I'm robbing your store.

462. I'm tearing this bank machine right the fuck out of here,

463. so I hope you enjoy this.

464. - Who are you talking to, Ricky? - Are you guys fucking stupid?

465. Look, you're on camera.

466. There's three fucking cameras in here, you idiots.

467. Now get out.

468. Wait up, Ricky!

469. Thanks for the milk shake, Julian, it's delicious.

470. I am drunk as fuck! Drunk as fuck!

471. - Is that Ricky? - I would say it is, Julian.

472. My god, it's Ricky!

473. Yeah, we got a 10-72 at the sunnyvale trailer park.

474. Thank you very much. Well, Ricky, it looks like you—

475. fuck you, fuck you, fuck your gate.

476. Willful destruction of property,

477. theft under $1,000, trespassing,

478. dangerous driving.

479. You're going back to jail, boy.

480. Good, did you call the cops yet?

481. Yeah, I did.

482. Good, I want to go back to jail.

483. You wanna go—

484. - hey, trin. - Hi.

485. Where did you get this rim?

486. I borrowed it, daddy, just like you taught me to.

487. Merry Christmas.

488. Like I taught you to? What do you mean?

489. Apples don't fall far from the tree, do they, Rick?

490. Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I got back to jail.

491. I don't have time for your shit right now, so fuck off.

492. Speaking of shit, Rick, which we were,

493. when a shit apple falls from a tree

494. and grows up in a field of shit,

495. it doesn't have any choice, just like Trinity.

496. She's going to go up to be a shit apple tree

497. just like her father.

498. Have fun in jail, Rick.

499. I want to go to jail.

500. Trinity, don't ever say that again, okay?

501. Don't joke around.

502. I want to go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.

503. Trinity, stop it! I'm serious.

504. Don't ever joke about that.

505. You're never going to jail, okay?

506. Oh yes she is, Rick.

507. No she's not, lahey, so fuck off.

508. What I started realizing about Trinity

509. is that now she's at this age

510. where it's gorilla see, gorilla do,

511. and what I'm doing, she starts to do.

512. If I throw a bottle in the lake,

513. she's gonna throw a bottle in the lake,

514. which is no big deal.

515. You are never going to jail, so we gotta do the right thing

516. and take this rim back where you got it from.

517. You shouldn't be stealing.

518. She doesn't need to steal. I could steal anything we need.

519. Why does she need to take it?

520. It's better I go to jail than her.

521. Where'd you get this rim? At the mall?

522. Yup.

523. What's going on, Ricky?

524. It's a long story, boys.

525. I stole a bank machine. It's all on videotape.

526. I'm fucked, I'm going back to jail, can't go on the cruise.

527. Rick, you're not going back to jail.

528. Check it out. Store surveillance tape.

529. I got it back.

530. Let's go get the money from the bank machine

531. and get out of here.

532. Let's go Ricky, cruise.

533. Hold on a second, guys, hold on.

534. What?

535. I can't go on the cruise even if I'm not going back to jail.

536. I can't.

537. Well, why, Ricky?

538. I've got to stay and look after Trinity.

539. She's starting to steal and that's not good.

540. I don't want her to grow up to be a shit apple like me.

541. Shit apple?

542. Can you hold that honey?

543. I'll be back in a bit, boys.

544. I just gotta take this rim back,

545. and I'll drive you guys down to the ship, all right?

546. I just have to make a little withdrawal, man.

547. It'll only take a second.

548. Julian, how long do you think

549. it'll take your little cop girlfriend

550. to realize you can't change the spots on a shit leopard?

551. Fuck off with your shit talk, lahey.

552. Randy, secure the evidence.

553. Come on, Julian!

554. Get away from the evidence.

555. Holy fuck, she blew!

556. Julian, you are in big trouble now, boy.

557. Boys, you got police dye all over you.

558. Julian, what the hell is going on here?

559. Stand back, ma'am. This is official police matter.

560. Here they come, Randy.

561. Did Ricky do this? He'll go to jail for this.

562. Please tell me you weren't involved.

563. I didn't have anything to do with this, okay?

564. Look, it was Randy and lahey. They have dye all over them.

565. Dave, these two, they stole a bank machine.

566. Take them away. What?

567. Bubbles, leave without me.

568. I don't want to leave without you.

569. Listen, go, I'll meet you there, okay, buddy?

570. You're not going to be there, are you, Julian?

571. Have a good time. Yes, I am.

572. Well?

573. Listen, Erica, I don't have any dye on me, okay?

574. How could you ruin this with your criminal bullshit?

575. I thought you were better than that.

576. I'm a cop...

577. And he's a criminal.

578. That's why we're never meant to be.

579. Either you love me for who I am or you arrest me right now.

580. You have the right to retain

581. and instruct counsel in private without delay.

582. Dave, another one.

583. Could you stop filming, please?

584. Going on that cruise

585. would have been a good time and everything,

586. but I'm trying to keep my mind off it

587. because, well, you know, I'm in here.

588. I've been doing a lot of reading on positive thinking again,

589. and it's helped me out.

590. Hi, Julian.

591. Fuck off, Randy.

592. So I've got eight months, and that's not that bad.

593. I've done a lot longer time.

594. Yeah, when I get out, I want to do three things:

595. Fix up the park,

596. have a little drink,

597. just celebratory...

598. Yeah.

599. And uh... I want to kill Ricky.

600. Life's funny.

601. Never did I ever think I'd become

602. trailer park supervisor,

603. but lahey and Randy went to jail and the job came up.

604. I had experience, so here I am.

605. Mr. lahey is just joking about killing Ricky, right, Mr. lahey?

606. Yup, just joking about that. You're right, Randy.

607. And since I'm not going to jail this year,

608. we can even have Christmas together,

609. so life for me is perfect.

610. - You did it, daddy. - I did do it, didn't I?

611. Thanks, Julian!

612. Thanks, Ricky!