Trailer Park Boys 3x6

1. I've been helping out at Trinity's school

2. with this junior achievers thing, which is awesome.

3. It helps the kids get their thinking clearer about business.

4. And it's fucking great. I've been learning a lot too.

5. It's amazing how much of it applicates

6. to what me and Julian do:

7. Profit counting, supply and command, all that shit.

8. You know, it's the same whether you're breaking the law or not

9. as far as I'm concerned.

10. And not only that, but they're great kids,

11. and I don't mind helping out.

12. Right now, I'm making them some pancakes.

13. They should be here in a few minutes.

14. Fuck.

15. Stay where you are, Ricky.

16. Get the hell out of here, lahey.

17. I don't have time for your bullshit today.

18. Fucking idiot.

19. That's it, Mr. lahey. That's it.

20. Ricky frigging painted it.

21. What the fuck are you talking about, Randy?

22. That's not your barbeque.

23. I traded it for a carton of smokes, you stupid idiot.

24. Yeah, Julian, Jim lahey here.

25. Yeah, public idiot number one

26. has gone one step too far.

27. We're in the eye of a shit-icane here, Julian.

28. Ricky is a low-shit system.

29. Julian, this is Ricky.

30. Lahey is snooping around my— oh, this fucking thing.

31. - Ricky— - that barbeque is mine.

32. It was a special gift to me.

33. I'm taking the friggin' thing back.

34. You gonna hit me with that? Huh?

35. I'll hit you with this thing.

36. Just give us the goddamn barbeque back, please, Ricky.

37. Lahey, why don't you go home and have another drink.

38. And you, why don't you put a fucking shirt on.

39. It's disgusting.

40. - Make me, Ricky. - Idiot.

41. Ricky, stay away from me. Just give me my barbeque.

42. I'll put a shirt on you.

43. - How do you like that, huh? - Ricky.

44. You like that Randy? You fucking asshole.

45. Ricky.

46. Guys, guys, what's up with the bats?

47. It appears that both of these gentlemen

48. claim ownership of that barbeque.

49. Look, I admit, the barbeque does look a lot like Randy's,

50. but it's not his.

51. I got it at a yard sale,

52. and the serial numbers accidentally got scraped off,

53. and it got repainted; It's not his.

54. I could prove that it's mine even without a serial number

55. and even though it's been painted, 100%.

56. How are you going to do that, Randy?

57. I'll show you, Ricky. Let's go.

58. Randy, forget it; He's probably ruined it anyway.

59. Let's go.

60. But, Mr. lahey, you know how much that barbeque

61. means to me; It was a gift.

62. - Randy, that's enough. - Mr. lahey?

63. Randy.

64. It's probably Corey and Trevor that stole your barbeque.

65. It's my barbeque. Don't break it.

66. Don't break that, Randy.

67. Ricky, what do you think you're doing?

68. How many times do I have to say it?

69. No stealing inside of the park.

70. There's a lot of money in barbeques.

71. They're easy to steal, and the best part is,

72. house insurance covers it, so nobody really gives a shit.

73. The cops can't be bothered.

74. And at the flea market, you know,

75. you get fifty bucks a pop for them, which is awesome,

76. and if you steal and sell four at a time,

77. it's theft under a thousand and community service worst case.

78. Bubbles is even helping out.

79. This here is where we repaint them, strip 'em down,

80. swap all the parts out.

81. Can't tell where they came from then.

82. It's just like working on shopping carts, really,

83. and I'm damn good at that.

84. Check this baby out.

85. That there is called a super double bunk-be-qu.

86. I built that myself.

87. I'd like to see the red blue green cocksucker

88. put one of those together, duct-taping it.

89. Shit.

90. I just wish I could steal more than four barbeques at a time.

91. You know, it pisses me off.

92. Get this over with, pay for the cruise in no time.

93. But, oh, no, Julian's afraid of getting caught

94. and going to jail; It's ridiculous.

95. Okay, kids,

96. the first thing we have to do is decide what kind

97. of small business we want to start up.

98. When I was younger, we used to collect pop bottles and cans,

99. we mowed lawns,

100. we fixed up old shopping carts and sold them.

101. So what do we want to do for a small business for you guys?

102. We gotta think about that.

103. What do you do?

104. I, uh, I remarket barbeques.

105. Daddy steals barbeques and sells them

106. at the flea market.

107. - Could we steal some? - Sure you could.

108. But it's not that simple, 'cause you could go to jail.

109. No, we can't go to jail.

110. We've learned in school about the youth justice act.

111. Kids under 12 can't go to grown-up jail.

112. So we could steal as many barbeques as you want

113. and no jail.

114. Yes, you could.

115. You're doing an awesome job, bubbles.

116. I know, Julian, and I love doing this kind of stuff.

117. Good afternoon gentlemen.

118. Oh, every time I start having fun.

119. Looks like industrial arts class here, Julian.

120. No actually, Jim,

121. I'm fixing some barbeques for some friends.

122. Could you please get off my property?

123. Just dropped by with a word of advice, Julian.

124. Ricky stole my barbeque, Julian.

125. I want it back.

126. Randy, a lot of barbeques look alike.

127. You must be on drugs or confused or something,

128. like you usually are.

129. I don't get confused about barbeques, Julian.

130. I know which one's mine. I can prove it.

131. Enough.

132. Julian, I'm collecting paperwork,

133. and when I get enough,

134. I can evict anyone from this park,

135. you, Ricky, even bubbles here.

136. And you know why?

137. Because you all signed on the dotted line.

138. I'm watching you, Julian, like a shithawk,

139. like a shithawk.

140. Come on, Randy.

141. Julian, what's a shithawk?

142. Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down

143. and puts poop onto you or something.

144. Bubbles, shithawks don't exist, okay?

145. He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

146. Well, can he boot us out of the park,

147. like he said he could?

148. No, he's just being a dick.

149. Listen, man,

150. there's no way this operation is going to draw heat, okay?

151. I promise you that. Everything is going to be cool.

152. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about it.

153. Yeah, everything'll be cool.

154. Just like it's cool every other time you promise me,

155. and you go back to jail, and I'm left here by myself

156. with shithawks flying around, shit ropes coming after me,

157. shitty this and shitty that.

158. Hurry up, daddy. We have to get to school.

159. Okay, sweetie, just help with the barbeque.

160. Get in the car, put your seatbelts on.

161. I'll be down in a minute.

162. Hey, hey, hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?

163. Uh, my name's Trevor, I'm just here from the city.

164. - Oh yeah, is that right? - Ah, fuck.

165. What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing?

166. - That's my goddamn barbeque. - How do you like that?

167. Fucking feels pretty fucking good, doesn't it?

168. Ah. Ow. I'm gonna call the cops on you.

169. Go ahead. They stole the barbeque.

170. I was trying to return it.

171. What are you doing, man? You fucked my jump up, dude.

172. I warned you too many times, boys.

173. No bike ramps in sunnyvale trailer park.

174. Stop fucking around, and give me my shit.

175. Hey.

176. What do you say I buy us a couple of cheeseburgers,

177. Randy, my treat.

178. I don't feel like cheeseburgers right now,

179. Mr. lahey.

180. Oh, come on, Randy, cheer up.

181. It's only a barbeque.

182. I'll get you another one.

183. You don't get it, do you, Mr. lahey?

184. I'm tired of living our lives like this.

185. I need some water, trin.

186. Go up and get some fucking water.

187. Argh, Trinity please, I need water.

188. Sorry about this, kids.

189. I just got some stuff in my eyes here.

190. Thanks, kid.

191. - Mummy. - Ah, you forgot your lunch.

192. Oh thanks.

193. Is everything all right here?

194. Yeah, I'm the junior achievers instructor.

195. I'm constable Erica Miller.

196. Hi. Randy uh, lahey.

197. Kids, I got a busy day.

198. Trinity, math class.

199. Oh no.

200. See you next week, kids.

201. I just got some barbeques for friends here,

202. and I'm just at the point right now to get that door put on

203. and safety inspection and stuff, so I gotta run.

204. Sorry about that. Nice meeting you.

205. Yeah, good to meet you.

206. Ricky, what happened to your eyes?

207. You look like Alice Cooper.

208. Some old cocksucker sprayed me with fucking mace.

209. Sprayed with mace?

210. Ricky, there's seven barbeques there.

211. Do you call that keeping a low profile?

212. The achievers took them under the youth justice act, Julia.

213. Nobody can do Jack shit—

214. wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?

215. You mean the fucking kids stole those barbeques?

216. Well, it was their idea. It's no big deal.

217. Oh, no, it's no big deal, Ricky.

218. They're just little kids.

219. He's right, Ricky.

220. Do you know how fucked up that is?

221. No more stealing barbeques with kids, okay?

222. That's worse than theft over a thousand.

223. No it's not.

224. I think we should take full advantage

225. of this youth justice act, man,

226. steal all the fucking barbeques we can, 20 a day.

227. Fuck it.

228. Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids,

229. not to allow goofballs like you

230. to put them in a car with no door on it

231. and drive around the fucking neighborhood stealing barbeques.

232. Jesus, Randy, for the love of god.

233. Relax, Mr. lahey.

234. Looks like we have company.

235. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

236. Good day, officer. What can I do for you?

237. I'm looking for a Mr. lahey.

238. I was told he lives in this trailer.

239. Jim lahey, trailer park supervisor.

240. This is my, uh—

241. hi I'm Randy, weekend trailer park supervisor.

242. Randy lahey? Are you two brothers?

243. No.

244. That's strange. I'm looking for a Randy lahey.

245. He wears track pants, drives a 1975 new yorker,

246. passenger side door missing.

247. Do either of you know anyone fitting this description?

248. Do we ever.

249. Hey, Jimmy. What's going on, man?

250. Hey, ray, mind your own business.

251. Fuck you, lahey, prick.

252. Could we talk about this inside?

253. Certainly.

254. Hello. What?

255. Fuck. Guys, guys, guys, guys.

256. Stop for a second.

257. Where?

258. One car?

259. All right, thanks.

260. Who's that, Julian?

261. It was your dad.

262. There's a cop at lahey's asking questions

263. about barbeques, Ricky.

264. - What? - Oh, fuck.

265. I don't like the sounds of that, boys.

266. It's no big deal.

267. All right, all right, all right.

268. Let's load up the wagon with barbeques, boys.

269. What are we going to do with them, Julian?

270. We're going to hide them in the lake behind Ray's trailer.

271. Fuck that, Julian.

272. Do you realize the bullshit I went through

273. to get these fucking things.

274. Ricky, the fucking cops are here.

275. It's your fault.

276. It's only a few fucking barbeques.

277. We're not taking any chances here, Rick.

278. Come on.

279. Ricky.

280. Nice going, Corey.

281. We're going to need a rope or something, bubbles.

282. Mr. lahey, how long have—

283. how long have you been a policeman?

284. Woman. Eight years.

285. - Would you like a cup of tea? - No, thank you.

286. Where did you train?

287. The Ontario police academy.

288. - Mm. - Krispie square?

289. - No. - Oh, thank you.

290. So we've had a lot of reports of barbeques being stolen

291. in the glendale subdivision.

292. I imagine.

293. I have a feeling that this Ricky character

294. might be involved.

295. Yeah, probably; Ricky stole my barbeque this morning.

296. I can prove it.

297. Not now, Randy.

298. You see, Mr. lahey, that's what I'm talking about.

299. Randy. Please, not now.

300. Anyway, maybe we should go and find Ricky

301. and ask him about this little name mix-up.

302. Absolutely. Lead the way.

303. Do you want a cucumber sandwich, Mr. lahey?

304. How's it going, guys?

305. Julian, a couple of questions.

306. Mr. lahey, please. I'll take care of this.

307. Julian is it?

308. Yeah, that's right.

309. - Constable Erica Miller. - Nice to meet you, Erica.

310. Constable Miller.

311. So, Julian, where is your friend, Ricky?

312. I don't know.

313. You don't know.

314. No.

315. What the fuck are you guys doing?

316. I figured it out, Ricky.

317. If we put four water wings on each barbeque,

318. they'll only sink about a foot,

319. and we won't get muck onto them.

320. - Good idea, bubbles. - What's the hose for?

321. - Breathing apparatus, man. - Nice.

322. Gotta hide the barbeques and hide from the cops

323. at the same fucking time.

324. Get these in the water, boys.

325. Nice.

326. Get 'em in, boys.

327. When was the last time you saw him?

328. Jeez, Rick?

329. Uh, it's Ben a while,

330. a few days.

331. So what you're telling me is,

332. you have no idea where your friend Ricky is.

333. Is that what you're trying to tell me?

334. Is that what you're saying?

335. I haven't got a clue.

336. Yeah, right, Julian.

337. Listen, this park isn't that big.

338. Let's go find him.

339. Well, you're probably not going to find him,

340. because he's probably at— getting gr-groceries or—

341. getting gr-gr-groceries, Julian?

342. What, is he going to buy chicken fingers?

343. So now he's grocery shopping?

344. Oka, Julian, let's get in the car.

345. Hey boys, suit up. You're going in.

346. No way. That's ridiculous, dude.

347. I ain't getting in there.

348. Get the fuck in the water, boys.

349. Fuck that. I'm not going in. There's leeches.

350. Yeah, there's snakes and shit, man.

351. Oh, you're not going in? Grab Corey.

352. Oh, you fuckers.

353. Get to work, dickweed.

354. Ricky, listen. Someone's coming.

355. We gotta get in the lake.

356. Bubbles, there's no lurches in there, is there?

357. Oh, Ricky, leeches won't hurt you.

358. Get the fuck in the lake.

359. Get these barbeques under water.

360. Under water quick, cops are coming.

361. See look. What did I tell you?

362. He's probably at the grocery store.

363. We got a 10-38 here, officer.

364. We got Ricky's car.

365. We got a trailer of barbeque parts,

366. bubbles' go-cart.

367. Voila, the barbeque.

368. Mr. lahey, please, that's enough.

369. So, Julian,

370. you have no idea where your friends are?

371. Okay, boys,

372. everybody out of the water; Let's go.

373. Come on, boys.

374. Hi, Ricky.

375. I thought your name was Randy lahey.

376. Well, lahey's my mother's maiding name.

377. - Her—her maiding name? - Yeah.

378. - Her maiden name. - That's what I said.

379. And people call me Randy at school.

380. No big deal. You got a cigarette?

381. Hands on the barbeque. Let's go.

382. And while we're at it, where are the rest of them?

383. I don't know.

384. There was people down here having a barbeque earlier,

385. but they took off; I don't know.

386. Listen, you boys are in a lot of trouble over this,

387. so just tell me where they are now.

388. Tell me where they are, Ricky.

389. I have no idea what you're talking about, no idea.

390. You have the right to retain and instruct counsel

391. in private without delay.

392. This means that before we proceed...

393. With our investigation you may call any lawyer you wish.

394. Jim, please.

395. Yeah, fuck off, lahey.

396. If you are charged with an offence...

397. You may also apply to legal aid for assistance.

398. - Do you understand? - I understand.

399. Thanks a lot, Corey and Trevor.

400. I can't believe you guys did this to me.

401. You fucking framed me.

402. Let's go to the cars, boys.

403. Up the hill come on.

404. I just came down here to have a little swim.

405. I'm not even involved.

406. Listen, officer, I didn't say anything about this before,

407. because it's a little bit embarrassing,

408. but yes, we did steal those barbeques.

409. I know it's greasy, but Rick and I,

410. we just got out of prison, and we're still on probation.

411. I don't want to be in trouble here.

412. Come on. That's the truth.

413. Actually, it's not the truth.

414. The truth is, there was a guy on the barbeques.

415. Listen, Rick.

416. No, that's not the truth.

417. Officer, I've got a drinking problem,

418. and Ricky, he's got a dope problem.

419. Them two, they've got mental problems.

420. We're all a little bit fucked up here,

421. but we'd never hurt anybody.

422. Rick and I have been trying to find a job

423. since we got out of jail, and no one will hire us,

424. and we've been really trying hard.

425. It's true; I mean, you know what it's like trying

426. to put a daughter through school and buying books

427. and contractor sets and everything like that

428. and cigarettes; It's tough.

429. Listen, this will never happen again.

430. You've got my word. You've got both our words.

431. Right, Rick?

432. Oh, honesty, huh? That's your new approach, is it?

433. Come on, cut us a break on this one, please?

434. I'll never touch another barbeque again,

435. and I'll never break the law.

436. We'll never break the law.

437. Never.

438. I have your word?

439. You've got my word.

440. Please, I don't want to go back to jail.

441. If I even see that shitmobile on the road again

442. or you in the driver's seat or any of you near a barbeque,

443. there will be no warning; Do you understand?

444. I understand; Listen, I'm ashamed of myself, officer.

445. And, you know, I believe him.

446. I really do.

447. I, I believe that he wants to change.

448. I think the problem is this Ricky character.

449. So you're just giving us a warning?

450. Yes.

451. You're not buying this shit?

452. Get those barbeques out of the water.

453. Get them back to their rightful owners.

454. Thanks, officer.

455. I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

456. I think Julian is a really good person.

457. I really do.

458. I think that, uh, he's just been influenced by Ricky.

459. Don't fucking shove me Randy.

460. Lahey, don't fucking go there.

461. Corey, Trevor, get in the vehicle.

462. Get in the car, right now.

463. Ricky, that barbeque has sentimental value to me.

464. This is the lowest, Julian.

465. You don't steal from people in the park.

466. I want my barbeque.

467. Know what, Randy? You're totally right.

468. You know what I'm going to do for you?

469. - What? - Jack shit.

470. Many are called, Ricky.

471. And many can fuck off, lahey.

472. Holy fuck.

473. Ricky, that's it with barbeques, all right?

474. That was way too close.

475. What the fuck are you talking about?

476. I risked my life and my eyesight for those fucking things.

477. That's it, okay?

478. We're just going to stay focused on this cruise now.

479. Remember, let's set sail. We're not going to jail.

480. Well, we almost went to jail there, buddy.

481. - No, we didn't. - Yes, we did.

482. - Where are you going? - I've got stuff to do.

483. Give these guys a hand with those barbeques.

484. Boys, can I come out now?

485. I think I've got a leech onto my bird.

486. Bubbles, it's all clear.

487. Apparently, I'm not allowed to fucking drive anymore.

488. So, Trevor, front seat, let's go.

489. Hands off the barbeque, Julian.

490. Put your hands on the car.

491. Let's go.

492. I can explain this, okay?

493. Yeah, I thought you were finished with barbeques, Julian.

494. I thought you were a man of your word.

495. I was just taking this one back.

496. To who? To Randy? This is Randy's barbeque.

497. Yes, yes, check it out.

498. Look, he's got his name engraved underneath it there.

499. Look.

500. "To Randy. I love you, bud.

501. "Thank you for the best years of my life.

502. Mr. lahey"

503. now this is a little different than most transmissions.

504. First up, drive doesn't work, but third does.

505. Neutral is park. Reverse is second.

506. If you want to use reverse, put it in drive.

507. You got it?

508. - Yeah, I got it. - And the accelerator sticks.

509. So be careful, but don't be afraid of it.

510. You gotta give it to her, or it's gonna stall.

511. I can do this Ricky.

512. I fucking hope so, Trevor.

513. Now, take it for a little test drive and get used to it.

514. I know how to drive, man.

515. You also know how to be stupid,

516. and I don't want you to fuck this up, 'cause this is my home.

517. Turn around.

518. I guess this makes sense.

519. Yeah, nobody knows about those two but me.

520. It's kind of a touchy subject,

521. so just keep that between you and me.

522. Yeah, yeah.

523. So you really care about these guys?

524. Erica, I care about everybody in this park.

525. There's a lot of really good, hard-working people,

526. decent, intelligent people that live here.

527. What the fuck happened?

528. Get out of the car, hairdo.

529. Let's go.

530. My god, what happened here, boys?

531. Trevor stole my car and crashed into lahey's trailer.

532. Nice going, Trevor. Thanks.

533. Listen, listen, listen. Who's that?

534. Oh, my god, it's Randy.

535. - Everybody stay back. - No, Mr. lahey.

536. Are you okay?

537. I'm okay, buddy.

538. - Randy, are you okay? - Thanks, buddy.

539. I'm all right.

540. What in the fuck are you dressed up

541. like a Bumblebee for?

542. And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

543. It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky.

544. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play

545. for the blandford recreation center next Thursday.

546. No, Mr. lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

547. We were practicing, Randy.

548. It's not Halloween.

549. We're not doing community theater.

550. We're consenting adults.

551. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is fine,

552. Mr. lahey.

553. And I don't care.

554. I don't care if the whole world knows

555. that we like to get dressed up and we like to have some fun

556. and that we're a couple.

557. Hey, everybody, we're gay.

558. Say it, Mr. lahey.

559. It feels great.

560. All right, Randy,

561. have it your way.

562. Everybody... I'm gay.

563. Jim, Erica, let's end this without charges, okay?

564. It was just an accident. Nobody got hurt.

565. Julian, everybody knows I'm gay.

566. Somebody's gotta pay for the damage to my goddamn trailer.

567. Mr. lahey, Julian saved my life.

568. Look, I even brought back Randy's barbeque,

569. because I knew it meant so much to him.

570. Well the trailer really is not that bad, you know.

571. - Not bad at all. - Just a scratch, really.

572. A few pieces of lumber, you can fix it up.

573. Somebody's gotta pay for this.

574. Corey, Trevor, you fucked up.

575. Come on, an officer knows when to give a guy a break.

576. Right, officer.

577. All right... Deal.

578. Okay, guys, clean this shit up.

579. So how long have you lived in sunnyvale?

580. 32 years.

581. 32 years.

582. And you've known Ricky for how long?

583. - All my life. - So the same.

584. And you live here by yourself?

585. I thought we were all finished with this investigation.

586. What are you talking about?

587. Is there something else going on here?

588. Are you insinuating that I'm hitting on you?

589. Is that what you're saying?

590. Wanna come in for a drink?

591. Sure.