Trailer Park Boys 3x5

1. I need you to do me a huge favor.

2. I can't buddy. There's no dope around.

3. I'm not looking for dope, Ricky—look.

4. Meowenstein drank garbage juice.

5. He's got the shits.

6. I've got to get him to the vet.

7. But here's the problem.

8. Rush are coming to the Metro centre.

9. No way!

10. - Yessirree Bob. - Awesome, your favorite band.

11. I know. I need you to go down there

12. and get in line and get me a ticket.

13. They're gonna sell out, Ricky.

14. This is all the money I have right here,

15. just enough for one ticket.

16. - Okay. - Can you do that for me?

17. Yeah, calm down.

18. It's not like it's helix or something.

19. Helix was a wicked concert.

20. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert.

21. I mean, they had good lyrics.

22. "Give me an r-o-c-k!"

23. And the crowd yells, "rock," really loud.

24. Now, that's a fucking concert.

25. I'm not giving anyone a fucking "r."

26. Rush just don't do stuff like that.

27. They got these lyrics

28. about how trees are talking to each other,

29. how different sides of your brain works,

30. or outer space bullshit.

31. Give me a fucking "r."

32. Why don't you guys get some tickets and come with me?

33. We could all go.

34. I'd love to but there's no dope.

35. I told you that.

36. Who cares about dope, Ricky?

37. Alex lifeson, geddy Lee, Neil peart.

38. You know he's gonna do that fucking drum solo.

39. Calm down buddy. Calm down. Calm down.

40. Well, just promise me you can do it.

41. Just say, "I promise you, bubbles,

42. that I, Ricky, will get you a ticket," please?

43. I promise to get you a ticket, buddy,

44. and I'll try to find some dope, all right?

45. All right, let's do it.

46. Help me clear this stuff off the car and we'll get Julian.

47. I'm glad I had my helmet on.

48. Hey, Julian. Hey, man.

49. I need a couple bucks for gas, buddy.

50. What? Hey!

51. Hey! Hey! What?

52. Holy!

53. Hi.

54. I just got a fine from the city

55. for having recyclables in the garbage.

56. Do you, um, remember that little chat we had, Jim,

57. about you doing your job and me not firing you?

58. Do you remember that?

59. My ex-wife, Barbara, owns sunnyvale trailer park.

60. And in a way, she, uh...

61. Well, we gotta do what Barbara tells us to do.

62. More or less.

63. Randy and I have been planning a camping trip

64. for a long time, Barbara.

65. And I promise I'm going to have all this sorted out by Monday.

66. It's idiots like that...

67. Get the fuck out of my way, lahey, you fucking idiot!

68. That don't recycle!

69. Maybe you should be doing your fucking job

70. instead of going camping

71. and toasting marshmallows with fucking Randy.

72. Did I mention he was trying to buy dope off me

73. this morning, Barbara?

74. Right. No camping trip, Jim.

75. Not Randy or drugs or liquor

76. until you have sorted all this garbage

77. in time for the collection on Monday,

78. and then you can go camping.

79. Babs!

80. Lahey, can you please get the flying fuck out of our way?

81. We gotta go get rush tickets.

82. Hey, Ricky! Ricky!

83. You hang on little buddy. I'll be right with you.

84. Awesome, boys. Thanks for doing this for me.

85. No problem, buddy, going to get your ticket right now.

86. Thanks, guys. I love you guys.

87. - Love you too, bubbs. - Talk to you later, buddy.

88. See ya.

89. What the fuck are you guys doing here?

90. You following us or something?

91. Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude,

92. but I have a brilliant idea, man.

93. If we take dope and sell it at the rush concert,

94. we can sell it for double the price

95. and make a ton of loot, man.

96. It works every time. Can you hook us up?

97. That's a great idea, guys.

98. I got a little bit of dope here for ya.

99. That's cool.

100. There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots.

101. Julian, you've got to be able to get dope.

102. We can take the cruise money and double it up, man.

103. We can do it.

104. Alright boys, here. Get us all some rush tickets.

105. Nice.

106. Are you sure about this?

107. I want the change back, too, boys.

108. Don't fuck this up.

109. That's cool.

110. I think I can get us some dope man.

111. Where the fuck are you going to get dope?

112. How's it going?

113. You guys got a package for Corey or Trevor lahey?

114. Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man.

115. They way overcharge every time.

116. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

117. It's fine. Let's just get out of here.

118. Fuck!

119. Aw, fuck!

120. We're down here at the Metro centre

121. where the tickets are going fast for the upcoming rush concert.

122. Hey, what are your names guys?

123. - Uh, that's Corey. - That's Trevor.

124. And how goes the search for tickets, gang?

125. It's okay, man.

126. We kind of have to get tickets. We have no choice man.

127. Like, you know. That's just great.

128. Good for you guys.

129. Can we do some shout-outs?

130. I don't think so.

131. Just a reminder, Terry.

132. Coming up in the next half hour,

133. the ultimate rush fan contest, coming up later.

134. Now earthshine from vapourtrails.

135. Those idiots ruined our little camping trip, Randy.

136. Well, we're going to ruin their little concert.

137. Alright, Ricky,

138. don't mention anything about the dope out here, man.

139. We'll make way more selling it in there.

140. Alright? Okay man.

141. You ready, boy?

142. - Ready, Mr. lahey. - Go Randy.

143. Ricky, you idiot. You camping-trip-ruining dick.

144. Saying stuff you're not supposed to say.

145. Yes, I'll have all the rest of your tickets please.

146. Thank you.

147. Randy, that's enough, boy.

148. Ricky, Julian, where's my fucking ticket?

149. Sorry, bubbles, she's all sold out.

150. Oh my fuck, are you kidding me?

151. What the fuck are you doing, lahey?

152. These tickets are not for sale, boys,

153. but if you help Randy and I clean up a little garbage,

154. then I just might give you a couple.

155. - Oh my god. Come on. - Let's go Randy.

156. See you back at the park there, boys.

157. You fucking dicks.

158. You better fucking watch it, Randy.

159. Ricky, you fucking promised me you'd get me rush tickets.

160. It wasn't my fault, bubbles. I'm sorry.

161. It is your fault.

162. This could affect our friendship, you know.

163. Bubbles, don't talk like that.

164. Cocksucker!

165. Boys, somebody's got cans and fucking bottles

166. mixed up in the same bag.

167. This is bullshit.

168. Can't we get tickets from scalpers or something?

169. I already tried. No go, man.

170. Stop your fucking whining,

171. and let's just get this over with.

172. Boys, relax, we're going to make a lot of money tonight.

173. Julian this thing isn't about money, you know.

174. Don't you guys fucking ever think of the music?

175. That's what this was about. Remember "closer to the heart"?

176. Remember how good the fucking concert was in '87?

177. That was awesome, man.

178. Remember getting kicked out during "I like to rock"?

179. Then we wrecked the dartmouth ferry.

180. That was fucking wicked.

181. That was fucking April wine, Ricky.

182. But that was a good fucking concert.

183. So you wanna be Alex lifeson's guitar tech?

184. Tell me, what's his real name? Call now.

185. We're gonna take the first four calls.

186. Oh my god boys, it's zivojinovich.

187. Son of life, lifeson, that's his fucking surname.

188. I'm gonna be Alex lifeson's guitar tech!

189. It's off to the phone lines now to see if we have a winner

190. in the ultimate rush fan contest.

191. Hi, who's this? Do you have the answer?

192. Hi I'm Randy. Yes, the answer is zivojinovich.

193. Randy, you're right. Good for you.

194. Zivojinovich, which means son of life.

195. Lifeson, that is his last name. Guess what Randy, you're going.

196. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

197. That cheeseburger-eating bastard.

198. Holy fuck, Mr. lahey, we won!

199. Yeah, we're still on the air, guys.

200. Congratulations, you and a friend

201. are going to attend the rush show.

202. Have a great night, but more than that...

203. You're a fucking asshole Randy.

204. Ricky...

205. What do you want, boys?

206. Mr. lahey, I know you probably don't like me that much

207. 'cause I hang around with these guys

208. and fuck you around sometimes

209. and do things that you don't like,

210. but that rush concert means everything to me.

211. Would you find it in your heart

212. to sell me one of those tickets please?

213. This is all the money I have in the world,

214. but I'll give it to you.

215. Please?

216. Jim, stop being a prick and just sell us some tickets.

217. I'm sorry, Julian. I am a prick.

218. Boys, back to work if you want those tickets.

219. You can keep your fucking tickets, lahey.

220. Julian, do you think that's a good idea?

221. Fucking right it's a good idea.

222. Ricky!

223. Ricky! Ricky!

224. That's willful destruction of garbage!

225. Ricky! Jeez!

226. Sorry, bubbles. It's the company you keep, boy.

227. Dudes, why didn't you say anything to us man?

228. We can get into Metro centre anytime.

229. Why were you sorting garbage, then?

230. 'Cause that's what you guys were doing.

231. Yeah, man, we were just chilling with you.

232. You guys are fucked, you know that?

233. You're fucking stupid.

234. So what's up?

235. Well, man, we got in to Aaron Carter

236. and backstreet boys all the time through a tunnel.

237. The tunnel pops up right in the back of the stadium.

238. - It's a manhole. - A sewer? You guys are fucked.

239. I'm not crawling through a fucking sewer.

240. Don't do anything stupid, Ricky.

241. Oh yeah, he probably won't do anything stupid, Julian.

242. Welcome to the prince Elliott.

243. I'm Alex lifeson's personal guitar tech.

244. I've got to take this to his room right away.

245. Can I have the key please?

246. Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable

247. and really fun and easy to talk to,

248. but for some reason, Alex wasn't.

249. I need four tickets to your concert right now.

250. We can do this the easy way or hard way.

251. Look, I'm not a ticket agency.

252. I'm sorry; I can't help you with the tickets.

253. You can't get me four tickets to your concert?

254. I'm sorry.

255. He was just one of these guys that, "hey, I don't want

256. "to talk to anybody,

257. and I'm a big fancy rock star and you can't talk to me."

258. So it pissed me off.

259. Hang on a second, man. Hang on!

260. Let's go. No fucking around here.

261. You say a word about this,

262. I'm going to tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

263. Come on, give me a break.

264. Come with me. Just take it easy.

265. Just gonna go for a little drive.

266. Hotel security, this man is drunk as fuck; He's on drugs.

267. What's going on here?

268. He's a male prostitute.

269. I'm gonna escort him out of here.

270. Male prostitute?

271. That's one Ricky uses a lot.

272. I've seen him use that on different people.

273. The cops come and Ricky's like,

274. "this guy's a drunk male prostitute

275. "and he's soliciting prostitution

276. "and he's trying to do things to me,

277. and he's a drunk male prostitute."

278. I may have called him a male prostitute.

279. I don't remember exactly.

280. But, I mean, very well he could be a male prostitute.

281. You don't know that.

282. Just gonna take him out. We got to go.

283. You told me you were his guitar tech.

284. But he got pissed off at me, saying,

285. "oh, you kidnapped me."

286. It wasn't kidnapping,

287. so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him,

288. I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

289. Fuck!

290. Check it out, dude. What's up Jules?

291. Hey.

292. This'll keep you pretty dry and stuff,

293. but it's best to keep some extra clothes

294. just in case you fall in.

295. Yeah man, I fell in. It's pretty bad.

296. Julian, this is fucked.

297. I don't want to fall in the sewer with these dickweeds.

298. Don't worry, bubbles.

299. We don't got to wear this shit, man.

300. This is in case we have no other option.

301. Where are we?

302. The fucking best trailer park

303. in the god damned world, right here.

304. Good people, good friends,

305. and we're gonna fucking see a little show.

306. But the first thing I want to do is make it clear

307. that this is not kidnapping, okay?

308. - This is totally kidnapping. - It's not fucking kidnapping.

309. This is fucking totally kidnapping.

310. I'm borrowing you for a little bit

311. to play a little concert back at the trailer park.

312. I don't do that kind of stuff.

313. You're fucking in a rock band. You should be used to this shit.

314. Can I tell you something? You're a fucking mental case.

315. What the fuck are you talking about?

316. You are crazy.

317. It's not my fault you're this big fucking—

318. you're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.

319. I'm not going to jail. Believe me.

320. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you, all right?

321. Oh, no big deal at all.

322. Ricky just went and stole a human being.

323. It's like a little rehearsal.

324. You play a couple of songs,

325. and then you can go back to your little dream world,

326. whatever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time.

327. Playing your fucking big guitar in front of people.

328. Yeah, dude, where's Rick?

329. Shut up and listen carefully, boys—all right.

330. You guys are going to go into the bathroom first, set up,

331. make sure you put an "out of order" sign on the door.

332. And here, just in case, a change of clothes for us.

333. Hey, buddy.

334. Julian, I came through buddy. Where's bubbles?

335. He's at the vet.

336. Don't tell me you've got tickets.

337. I've got better than tickets. Check this out.

338. Ricky... ricky...

339. This—you're from rush.

340. Yeah, it's Alex lifeson.

341. Alex this is j— uh... It's gord downey.

342. This is Alex. Hey, play "I like to rock."

343. That's April wine.

344. Well play that Diane Sawyer song.

345. Just fucking play something. That's why you're here.

346. Ricky... What's he doing here?

347. I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.

348. I was gonna put on a concert for bubbles.

349. You kidnapped him, Ricky.

350. - It's not kidnapping. - You don't borrow people.

351. It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.

352. You work—

353. alright, can you stop playing just for a second?

354. Alright, he, uh...

355. Alright, I'm gonna untie you,

356. and you're not going to call the police.

357. He's just a big fan.

358. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping.

359. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?

360. You untie me, you get me back to my hotel, it's no problem.

361. - What's this one? - I don't know, dude.

362. I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

363. Okay. It's alright.

364. Fuck that. Don't even worry about him.

365. Don't shove me.

366. You got enough money?

367. Here's another $1.36, there, dicktree.

368. Hey, man...

369. I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up.

370. Just get the fuck out of here, would you?

371. You fucked up big time here.

372. Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

373. He fucking started it.

374. No, you fucked up big time this time, man.

375. Do you wanna go back to jail?

376. Because it looks like you do. Huh?

377. Julian, look, I fucked up, and I'm sorry, all right?

378. You got a better idea?

379. This is fucked up, Julian.

380. Look, boys. I'm sorry, alright?

381. The security is a little tight. This will be fun, man.

382. This is not fucking fun, Julian.

383. This is bullshit.

384. - You want to see rush, bubbles? - Yes, I want to see rush.

385. Get down there. You want me to go next?

386. Please. What if something gets me?

387. Ah! Something licked me on the knee!

388. Something licked me.

389. We did it Julian.

390. It's Alex lifeson. That is him.

391. Shh! Shh!

392. Sorry, Randy, I've got this t-shirt

393. for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

394. No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

395. Oh no, you gotta wear a shirt, please.

396. I never do.

397. Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. lifeson.

398. That's just the way it is.

399. Well, Mr. lahey, maybe you can talk him

400. into wearing this shirt.

401. He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the wintertime.

402. How did you idiots get in here?

403. - Hi, Alex. - Don't worry about it, lahey.

404. Hey, I know this guy.

405. You see this, Randy?

406. When somebody like Alex lifeson

407. gives you a fucking t-shirt to put on,

408. you're putting the fucking thing on.

409. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

410. - I don't wear—frig off. - Randy doesn't wear shirts!

411. Put it on, Randy!

412. Take the garbage downtown, boys.

413. Put it on, Randy!

414. This is fucked!

415. I can't fucking believe we gotta go down this thing again.

416. Boys, it wasn't that bad.

417. I don't know what happened.

418. You know, Corey and Trevor, I sat them down for two hours

419. and discussed this plan with them.

420. Easy, take the clothes, bring them into the Metro centre.

421. We'll meet you inside.

422. What are you guys wearing?

423. Ah shit, dude, we got these from a road case, man.

424. And there's lots more, so you can put it on too.

425. Where in the fuck are our clothes and the stuff?

426. Well, it's funny.

427. We wee worried about them getting lost, right,

428. so we took everything, the weed and your clothes,

429. and we put them in a rush road case.

430. And?

431. And the roadies took them away when we went to get hot dogs.

432. - Holy fuck! - What did it say on the case?

433. Wardrobe.

434. What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

435. Not this asshole again.

436. What are you doing with my clothes?

437. I thought we had a deal here. No cops.

438. - Alex, we're on in four. - Oh great.

439. I'm fucking telling. Mr. lahey!

440. Guys, please, give me a break here, okay?

441. I gotta get on stage.

442. I got to get out of these stupid track pants

443. and into my clothes right now.

444. What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

445. Just give me my stuff back.

446. Crazy!

447. Oh, what's going on here?

448. Okay, boys, throw these two idiots out.

449. I'll give you straight money for tickets.

450. He's a felon. Get him out of here.

451. You get out of here, Ricky!

452. This is payback!

453. This fucking night shouldn't be about dope and swearing

454. and idiots with no fucking shirts on going camping drunk.

455. You guys don't even give a fuck about rush—I do.

456. That's right, bubbles. I don't.

457. But what I do give a fuck about is recycling

458. and the fact that this idiot

459. deliberately ruined Randy and my camping trip.

460. Shit, I didn't ruin it.

461. You fucking ruined it, and so did Alex.

462. It wasn't my fault.

463. This is so fucked up. This is my dressing room.

464. Sorry, Alex.

465. But those two were outside scalping tickets.

466. He's got about 20 on him and he wouldn't give me one.

467. Scalping tickets, Randy? Contest winner?

468. Guys, get these two out of here right now.

469. Alex, look, listen, please.

470. I'm really, really sorry about this.

471. I mean, we weren't doing anything wrong.

472. Fuck off, Randy.

473. Alex!

474. Alex! Ah!

475. What do you think of that, Randy?

476. All right, Alex, no more fucking around.

477. Where's my dope? I gotta start selling here.

478. Your—what, this?

479. I found this in my d.R.

480. Aw, for fuck sakes.

481. Big bag of dope is fucking

482. causing all the problems again, boys.

483. Relax. Relax, bubbles.

484. It's okay.

485. You fucking smoked some of this, didn't you?

486. Ricky... Alex, listen.

487. Bubbles should have won the guitar tech contest

488. this afternoon.

489. Randy cheated and stole his answer.

490. That's right, Alex.

491. I'm a way bigger fan than him.

492. You're the best guitar player that ever lived.

493. I appreciate that very much,

494. but now I gotta get into my stage stuff

495. and get on stage.

496. Look, I'm not trying to be a dick,

497. but are you gonna pay for the weed you smoked, or what?

498. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky—

499. listen, Alex, don't mean

500. to be bothering you again, man.

501. But he really got cheated today on that contest.

502. Is there any way he can be your guitar tech?

503. I don't know.

504. You can't just get up there and do it.

505. It's a tough gig.

506. Alex, I swear to god I can do it.

507. I know everything about your stuff, man,

508. everything.

509. All right, all right, he can do it,

510. under this condition:

511. I don't want to see him anymore tonight, okay?

512. Let's get to work, all right?

513. That's fair, but I want to ride in the limo,

514. and I want you to pay for the dope,

515. and then we got a deal— that's fair.

516. Oh, you don't quit.

517. Ricky, I'll pay for his dope.

518. All right, all right,

519. you got your ride in the limo, all right?

520. Let's get to work.

521. Thanks, Alex. Have fun, bubbles.

522. Oh fuck. Do I have it right?

523. Al is on.

524. She's on. Everything's on.

525. Here we go.

526. She's all tuned up, polished.

527. There's your pick.

528. Let's have a good one.

529. Let's do it.

530. Modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride

531. today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride

532. I think when I saw what Ricky and Julian did

533. for bubbles

534. and the lengths that they went to

535. to just make him happy for that one little moment...

536. Here you go, Alex.

537. How's it going, bubbles? You all right?

538. I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right.

539. You're playing a good show.

540. Perfect, you did a great job tonight.

541. Everything sounds good.

542. Everything's in tune. Awesome.

543. Thanks, Alex.

544. That was a fucking awesome concert, man.

545. You're fucking right it was an awesome concert.

546. Alex, he still has something to say to you.

547. Rick? Yeah, Ricky?

548. I just, I guess, wanted to apologize

549. for some of the shit that went down earlier,

550. even though it totally wasn't my fault,

551. but it happened, and you know, I guess I was a bit of a dick,

552. and you were a bit of a dick,

553. and there was a lot of people being dicks.

554. Well, everybody can be a dick sometimes.

555. But let's not worry about it, all right?

556. Could you come show me some fucking guitar cords?

557. After what we've been through today, I'd love to.

558. - All right. - All right.

559. Trying to do "closer to the heart,"

560. but I got it messed up.

561. I got the pick in hand, but...

562. Oh, yeah, this is easy.

563. Just move up one position there.

564. There you go. Try that.

565. There it is, see?

566. Could one of us sing it?

567. Who'd you have in mind?

568. Um...

569. And the men who hold high places

570. must be the ones who start

571. to mould a new reality

572. closer to the heart

573. closer to the heart

574. the blacksmith and the artist

575. reflect it in their art

576. they forge their creativity

577. closer to the heart

578. closer to the heart