Trailer Park Boys 3x3

1. Daddy, wake up!

2. Wake up, daddy, wake up! Wake up.

3. Oh, hey. What's going on, sweetie?

4. It's time to put my patch on. Hurry up daddy.

5. Trinity has got to quit smoking.

6. I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous.

7. She was on cigarettes last year,

8. and they put her on the little, little patch she used to wear

9. and I thought she was off the cigarettes.

10. Now apparently she's back on the cigarettes,

11. and she's on them hard too.

12. She had the idea that maybe me and her could quit together,

13. a good father/daughter thing.

14. So we're gonna quit, go on the patch.

15. I only got one patch left, so I'll have to give you half.

16. You took the last patch!

17. Well, I just needed it last night.

18. Here.

19. I'll give you half of it.

20. I want a cigarette.

21. I know, I want one too, but we can't.

22. We promised we're gonna quit smoking together. Remember?

23. We can do this, can't we?

24. We can do it.

25. Let's go to the store and get some more patches.

26. You want to start the car up? Yeah.

27. It's the gas injectors, daddy.

28. No, it's probably out of gas, honey.

29. I have to steal gas cause I'm broke.

30. Gas is a fortune now with all this government

31. bullshit taxes and stuff.

32. It pisses me off, cause provinces like Texas

33. and calgary, it's not so bad.

34. It should be the same everywhere.

35. But the government is friggn screwed up that way.

36. Drives me nuts.

37. Ricky, what are you doing? Do you want to go back to jail?

38. Borrowing a little bit of gas.

39. You can't go back to jail for that.

40. Is that true, Julian?

41. Yeah, you can't go back to jail for stealing gas.

42. Supreme.

43. Can't believe lahey burns supreme.

44. Jail is fun, and the food and stuff is really good there,

45. but you know, I guess it's more fun outside of jail

46. when you can still do crazy things and get better dope

47. and get drunk all the time and stuff like that,

48. so it's not that we don't like jail,

49. but we just don't really want to go back to jail anytime soon

50. so we decided talking to people in jail that

51. the best thing we can do is still break the law

52. but do it on a lower-type-scale kind of thing.

53. You guys are probably wondering why we called this meeting.

54. We want you to shut the fuck up and listen to Julian.

55. Alright, guys, I'm never, ever going back to jail again, okay.

56. I've got a plan to make money.

57. I think it's perfect. We're gonna do low-risk crimes

58. and open up some small semi-legit businesses.

59. You gotta do two things.

60. Instead of breaking the law big time for a big payday,

61. you gotta break the law a lot but little tiny crimes

62. and then you still make as much money and the cops

63. won't mess with you.

64. And you need to set goals is the second thing,

65. where you want everybody to want do something.

66. So what we're thinking,

67. or what Julian is thinkin,

68. I don't mean to take credit for it,

69. he wants us to go on a cruise at the end of the year.

70. Break the law, work towards that.

71. And that way, you don't get people ratting you out

72. and you got something to look forward to.

73. When you're breaking the law, you know it's for something.

74. If you guys work for me, you'll get employee benefits.

75. You'll get paid like any other job,

76. except there's gonna be a higher vacation-pay deduction.

77. Bascially he's going to take off 60% of everything,

78. it goes into this little fund,

79. at the end of the year, we get one of those

80. big fucking boats and we go and party.

81. It's gonna be wicked.

82. You mean one of those big cocksuckers out on the ocean?

83. Yeah. Awesome food, there's booze,

84. there's ladies, I'm talking dope.

85. - Ladies. Video games. - All inclusive.

86. Probably got video games, yeah, everything.

87. Oh boys, I hope you're not teasing me right now.

88. That would be cruel. Cause I wanted to go on a trip

89. since I don't know when. I couldn't ever afford it.

90. Guys, if we all work together on this,

91. we can make this happen.

92. What's the first thing we need to do, Julian?

93. Sign me up.

94. We're gonna open up a little gas station

95. here in the trailer park.

96. Ha! Let's do it.

97. I'd do anything to go on a cruise, Julian.

98. There's no way this can get fucked up, guys.

99. It's gonna be just like a real gas station

100. we're running at Ricky's.

101. Julian's making me the gas-distribution manager,

102. which is the most important job there is.

103. I can't let the boys down,

104. I gotta work my ass off so that we can do the, uh,

105. go on the cruise.

106. I've never been on a fucking cruise before.

107. You gas this up yesterday?

108. Yeah, I put fifty bucks in her.

109. The gas Gauge reads empty.

110. Siphoning.

111. What kind of idiots would steal gas

112. from a trailer-park supervisor

113. and think they could get away with it, Randy?

114. Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container.

115. Diesel in the green. Okay, are we clear here, guys?

116. Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

117. What are you stupid? You fucking taste it.

118. Unleaded tastes a little tangy,

119. supreme is kind of sour and diesel tastes pretty good.

120. Will you please... For godsake's, stop it.

121. Man, can you do something about your daughter?

122. Just let her hit you, Corey. Stand down and listen to me.

123. Stop it! Stop it!

124. Hey, hey. Corey.

125. You gonna fight my daughtr who's nine years old?

126. You're probably going to get hurt, okay.

127. Stand down and listen to me. Boys, don't fuck this up.

128. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it,

129. or I'll report both of you to Julian

130. and you won't be going on this fucking cruise, okay?

131. Come on, that's ridiculous, dude.

132. Corey, shut up and leave my daughter alone, and listen.

133. Go to the store, get Julian some rum

134. and go siphon some fucking gas, all right?

135. I gotta take Trinity to get patches.

136. Sure, man.

137. - Can we take bubbles? - You bet we can.

138. Lucy and I will take the money from the gas station

139. and launder it through the salon

140. so you don't have any onsite.

141. - Cool. That's a great idea. - Yeah, I know.

142. And what we'll do is we'll have coupons

143. from the salon so that you know who's cool.

144. Different-coloured coupons for a different amount.

145. If somebody gets a perm coupon,

146. it's like twenty or forty bucks' worth of gas.

147. Great idea, Lucy. And we'll take twenty percent.

148. Twenty percent. Come on, girls.

149. Fifteen percent. I'm not gonna go any higher.

150. No, Julian. I said twenty.

151. Alright, if we're gonna do this coupon thing,

152. twenty percent. That's fine.

153. Okay. Lucy and I will sell coupons all over the park.

154. Hi, Mr. lahey.

155. We're about to sail into a shit typhoon, Randy,

156. so we better haul in the jib before it gets

157. covered with shit.

158. What are you doing here, Mr. lahey?

159. Video evidence, Randy.

160. Because video evidence doesn't lie.

161. In a court of law,

162. video evidence is tantramar to the truth.

163. - Hi Jacob. - Oh hey, trin.

164. How's it going?

165. I need a box of nicotine patches.

166. Whoa! What are you doin? Don't shoot me.

167. Simply went in to buy some patches and all of a sudden,

168. my gun was out, which is no big deal,

169. and he freaks out, thought we were robbing the place.

170. Oh no, no, it's alright. We're not robbing you

171. or anything like that. Oh, Trinity!

172. Everything is cool.

173. Get the fuck back up here, Jacob.

174. Everything is fucking cool here.

175. Trinity, how many times does daddy have to tell you,

176. you can't play with his handguns.

177. You shouldn't leave it laying around.

178. - It's okay, sweetie. - We're on video camera.

179. So since it was on video camera,

180. I decided, maybe we should take a bit of shit.

181. For the legal record, we were not robbing the store.

182. It looks like we robbed the place.

183. Go grab some groceries, bubbles.

184. We're not taking anything, Ricky.

185. It's not robbing.

186. Instead of suing, we're gonna take a bit of shit.

187. I want a copy of the fucking videotapes.

188. If the cops saw this shit, I'd go to jail for ten year.

189. If you're gonna go to jail for robbing a place you may as—

190. will you shut the fuck up, dog?

191. If it looks like you robbed a place, you take some shit.

192. That's the way it is.

193. I'm not gonna jail if I'm not taking anything

194. for robbing a place.

195. So we took a bit of stuff.

196. - Are you alright, Ricky? - Yup.

197. You said you're not supposed to smoke with the patch on.

198. Daddy's bigger than you so he can.

199. I'm having a couple cause they were free.

200. Ricky! Where did you get this stuff?

201. Don't tell me you stole it. I didn't steal it.

202. They did steal it.

203. Oh no, Julian, uh, going into a store, firing a gun off,

204. and leaving without paying for everything, that's not stealing.

205. Yes, it is stealing.

206. Trinity accidentally fired my gun off,

207. it looked we robbed the place, so we took a bit of stuff.

208. Of course, it's not a big deal.

209. Ricky got the surveillance tape.

210. He's got everything under control.

211. - Exactly. - Nothing to worry about.

212. You've got to stop fucking around, okay, please!

213. You keep pulling stunts like this,

214. we're gonna be back in jail so fast Ricky.

215. We're not going back to jail.

216. Julian! We got our first customer, boys.

217. How's it going?

218. We got a perm coat coupon, that's 20 regular.

219. And a cut and blow.

220. We're gonna need a safety inspection, bubbles.

221. Safety inspection!

222. Get the fuck out of my way!

223. Sorry about this.

224. Julian, he's got a cigarette lit and I'm covered

225. in flammable liquids.

226. Put that out! Put it out, Ricky!

227. Put it out!

228. - Oh my god. - Daddy, I want a smoke!

229. Trinity, you can't smoke with the patch on.

230. Give me that cigarette.

231. You have a patch on and you're smoking it.

232. I'm way bigger than you. Trinity,

233. don't light that cigarette.

234. Why not?

235. Julian, hold this for a second.

236. Give me that cigarette.

237. How come Ricky's in charge of the gas?

238. I'm serious, I need that cigarette.

239. Mummy's gonna be mad. You know what mummy will say.

240. Well, mummy will say, mummy will get mad at you

241. because you're smoking with the patch on.

242. Trinity, give daddy the cigarette, please.

243. Drop your cigarette.

244. Step on it.

245. - Give me the cigarette. - No.

246. - It's diesel, man. - Man, I'm feeling sick, dude.

247. Maybe we should stop doing this.

248. Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.

249. Yeah, I guess it's not that bad.

250. - Oh, shit, security dude. - Oh, fuck man.

251. What the fuck are you doing?

252. Oh! Oh!

253. Fuck you.

254. Boys, boys, we're drawing too much attention.

255. We gotta shut it down for a while.

256. It's Ricky's fault.

257. Listen, man, we're drawing too much attention.

258. Lahey could come around. J rock, Tyrone,

259. we're shutting down for a while. Move these cars out.

260. People are yelling at me..

261. Change tires and— I paid for it!

262. That's a fucking good muffler. I'm keeping that fucking thing.

263. Get the fuck going, come on.

264. I bet you this coupon doesn't get you a perm.

265. It says perm right on it there, Mr. lahey.

266. Randy, there's a distinct possibility

267. that Ricky and Julian are operating a prostitution ring.

268. Is this rolling?

269. - Rolling. - See the camera?

270. - Can't see a thing. - Let's move.

271. I was thinking of more height in here.

272. What the hell do you want, lahey?

273. Well, we'll have whatever these coupons will get us.

274. Alright, have a seat.

275. Thank you.

276. Have you ever had one of these before?

277. - Never. - Hey, what are you doing?

278. Undoing my pants, they're a little tight.

279. - You can do them back up. - Jesus, Randy.

280. Look, there's a lot of traffic in Ricky's lot.

281. Ergo, they're doing something illegal.

282. We're gonna get them on videotape,

283. and when we have enough evidence,

284. we're gonna call in 9-1-1,

285. law enforcement, the cops, the boys in blue.

286. We'll have it all on tape, Randy.

287. Right, come ahead.

288. Alright, j rock, I'm opening up again, okay.

289. I want to keep everything low-key,

290. I don't want to see a traffic jam here, alright?

291. Let's get this pump going. Got your coupon?

292. - Yup, right here. - Twenty bucks, perfect.

293. What are you doing?

294. Pumping your fucking gas, what does it look like?

295. With a cigarette in your mouth?

296. You're gonna kill somebody, man.

297. - Give me a level, Randy. - Check one,

298. check two, test one, test two. That'll do.

299. We've got them on multiple angles, so they're fucked.

300. Rundown, Randy, let's go.

301. Pull into the zone, contact the target.

302. Procure stolen merchandise.

303. Ensure we capture the exchange on tape,

304. then fall back to the designated safety area.

305. I'll be in the woods.

306. Soon as the sale goes down, I'll call in the heavies.

307. Are we clear? Clear, Mr. lahey!

308. Hey Julian, we just saw lahey and Randy snooping around.

309. They've got a video camera hooked up to their car.

310. - Holy shit. - What are you doing with this?

311. - You have her working here? - She's not working here.

312. You've got my daughter working at an illegal gas station.

313. She's my daughter too and she's not working.

314. Let's get her out of here. You better not fuck this up.

315. That's my squeegee.

316. Julian, do you think that's true?

317. Lahey's gonna have us on videotape selling illegal gas.

318. Ricky, Ricky, get over here. Get over here. Alright, boys.

319. Everybody stay calm.

320. There's no money onsite here, okay?

321. We can shut this business down at any time.

322. Lahey doesn't have shit on us.

323. Well apparently lahey's got all these cameras.

324. He's got some in his car and he's got handheld video.

325. He's gonna try to catch us on tape.

326. Which is horseshit.

327. So, Julian's got this great idea,

328. we're gonna throw it right back in his face.

329. Boys! Where in the hell were you guys?

330. We're sick, Julian.

331. We've been drinking fucking gas.

332. We've just gotta sit down for a minute.

333. - What the fuck took so long? - Come on, dude.

334. Here's your shit, man.

335. Oh, fucking nice one, Corey. You smashed the rum.

336. I'm sorry, dude.

337. You're gonna have to get him more.

338. I'm all fucked up, man. Drinking this shit.

339. I think I'm dying.

340. You've got a customer, Julian.

341. J rock, take care of this customer.

342. You guys just got gas sickness.

343. Drink some water and dilute it, man.

344. You'll be fine in six to eight days.

345. Ricky, you can't smoke with the patch on.

346. You're gonna get dizzy.

347. I'm fine.

348. Oh fuck, here comes fucking Randy and his stupid

349. fucking camera.

350. - Boys. - What are we gonna do?

351. Stay calm and do what we rehearsed, alright?

352. - Hey boys. What's going on? - Hey Randy.

353. Everything's cool. I know what's going on here.

354. I just want some cheap stuff, just like everybody else.

355. Randy, you better go on with your perm coupon,

356. gut Cassidy and the Sundance cheeseburger.

357. What?

358. What are you looking at my eyes for?

359. I got no candy for you. You see some candy?

360. Just a second, Randy. Boys.

361. - Holy fuck, I'm dizzy. - Don't look now.

362. It's the patch.

363. Don't look now, but lahey is in the woods

364. with a video camera. Don't look.

365. Fuck, Julian, what are we gonna do?

366. Just stay calm and stick to the plan.

367. - He's gonna get us. - Corey, Trevor.

368. Deal with Randy. Let's go, Trevor.

369. Get up. Take care of Randy.

370. Okay, boys. Here's twenty dollars cash.

371. Fill it up for me, please.

372. Ricky?

373. We don't want your money, Corey and Trevor.

374. What's wrong with you guys anyway?

375. We're sick from all the fucking gas

376. we've been stealing.

377. We should be better in six to eight days though.

378. Why Corey and Trevor, that's highly illegal.

379. You shouldn't be stealing gas, Corey and Trevor.

380. It's fucked up to be stealing gas

381. like Corey and Trevor did.

382. And I don't want anything to do with Corey and Trevor's

383. gas stealing.

384. Is this the gas you were stealing right her?

385. What the fuck was that all about?

386. - Is this the gas you stole? - Is that the gas you stole?

387. It's what you told us to do.

388. - Good job, guys. - I just gotta chill out

389. for a second, guys. I'm fucking dizzy here.

390. Holy fuck, boys!

391. Holy fuck, Ricky! What are you doing, mo-fucker?

392. It wasn't me! I didn't do shit!

393. Thank you, Mr. lahey,

394. for your expert testimony

395. and for providing this very illuminating tape.

396. Your honour, I think the video evidence

397. clearly speaks for itself

398. and that any sane and rational person

399. would have no choice but to convict

400. these individuals of these ridiculous crime.

401. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck.

402. Oh, objection.

403. That's the seventeenth time that he has sworn so far.

404. Richard, please?

405. Alright. I'm fuck... I'm sorry about all the bullsh...

406. About all the stuff.

407. But the prosecutor is a f... he's a f...

408. He's an f-ing bad guy and he's pissing me off.

409. He can't even speak without swearing.

410. Your honour, this is ludicrous.

411. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.

412. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself

413. and fire the public defender,

414. I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

415. Thank you, your majesty.

416. And Richard, before you begin,

417. I'd like to say that I think this is a bad idea.

418. However, you do have a right to defend yourself,

419. so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

420. Look, I can't speak without swearing

421. and I've only got my grade 10.

422. I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested

423. and I'm ready to fucking snap, so I'd like to make a request

424. under the people's freedom of choices and voices act

425. that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom.

426. Cause if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked

427. and so are all these guys.

428. I won't be able to propery express myself

429. at a court level and that's bullshit.

430. It's not fair,

431. and if you ask me, I think it's a fucking mistrial.

432. This man can't represent anyone.

433. Your honour, he's a complete and total idiot.

434. Well, although I am opposed to that kind of language

435. in my courtroom,

436. I'm gonna allow it, as unfortunately,

437. it is part of your right to a fair trial.

438. So you may proceed, but please,

439. I want to remind you that this is not a carnival.

440. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

441. Thank you.

442. I've just gotta get some cigarettes actually.

443. Let's go, smokes.

444. - But I only got two left. - I don't care.

445. You've been a dick. It's the least you can do.

446. Oh, for the love of god.

447. Just the defendant please.

448. My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor

449. to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid grin off his face,

450. cause it's distractulating my case.

451. Next I'd like to announce that Randy and lahey

452. have been drinking all fucking day,

453. they're wasted out of their minds and they're both assholes.

454. And the testimony they just gave was total fucking bullshit.

455. I can prove it and I'm gonna show you

456. what really fucking happened here.

457. Okay, boys, here's twenty dollars cash.

458. Fill it up for me please.

459. Don't know what that's for. Probably prostitution.

460. We don't want your money.

461. Watch him put right, right in his pocket, right there.

462. Oh, man, we're sick from stealing so much gas.

463. But we should be better in like six to eight days.

464. Stealing gas! Why, Corey and Trevor,

465. that's highly illegal.

466. You shouldn't be stealing gas, Corey and Trevor.

467. That's right, it's fucked up to be stealing gas

468. like Corey and Trevor did,

469. and I don't want anything to do with Corey and Trevor's

470. gas stealing.

471. We wanted nothing to do with it.

472. Me neither, you know what I'm saying?

473. Only whack suckers like Corey and Trevor

474. steal gas, and deal dope.

475. Now, I don't want to say anything about the dope,

476. cause you know, I don't know anything about that.

477. But clearly they accepted money on film and they admitted

478. they stole gas. And they're sick,

479. I mean look at them.

480. That's gas sickness. Fucking idiots.

481. I've got nothing else to say right now,

482. except that the crown and lahey can go fuck themselves.

483. You're not buying any of this bullshit, are you?

484. Sit down, please sir, or you'll be in contempt of court.

485. And watch your language.

486. Yeah lahey, sit the fuck down.

487. Truth fucking hurts, doesn't it, you son of a bitch.

488. Whatever. Defence rests, everybody can fuck off.

489. Except you. I didn't mean you.

490. Thank you, Richard. You may be seated.

491. Can you guys get the fuck out of the way, please?

492. Okay, well I think I've heard enough,

493. and I'll be back shortly with my verdict.

494. Well you know, just because these young men

495. have little education and live in squalor,

496. it doesn't entitle them to commit antisocial behaviour

497. and get away with it.

498. There's two things mo-fuckers gotta know about j to the r o c.

499. First of all, I spin more rhymes than a lazy Susan

500. and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven.

501. Peace. Representing sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

502. Be seated please.

503. Well, I've reached a verdict in this ridiculous case,

504. and I do mean ridiculous.

505. Given Richard's deconstruction of the video evidence,

506. clearly Trevor and Corey are the only ones

507. with any hard evidence against them here.

508. But we were framed.

509. - Quiet please. - You fucked up.

510. Therefore, I find Richard, Julian, Jamie and bubbles

511. not guilty on all counts.

512. Order please. Order please.

513. Trevor and Corey, please stand.

514. I find you guilty and sentence you

515. to 450 hours community service.

516. Case closed.

517. Trevor and Corey got a bit of community service,

518. which sort of sucks,

519. but it's good experience they should be doing

520. that sort of stuff, going to jail once in a while.

521. We do it. Why they shouldn't be doing it?

522. I don't really feel bad about that.

523. It's their fault. What's going on guys?

524. We haven't seen you in so long. What's up?

525. Julian, tell them why we're here.

526. We just wanted to say thanks for not ratting us out,

527. and to not forget we're going on a cruise.

528. Remember that.

529. - We'd never rat you out Julian. - Yeah, man.

530. Ricky, give them the stuff. Come on.

531. Brought you guys some smokes and a couple of joints, alright.

532. Oh man, thanks, dude. That's dope.

533. - Thanks a lot. - So we're cool?

534. Yeah, man.