Trailer Park Boys 1x3

John Ghiz as Phil • Tara Doyle as Victoria • Angelique Jensen as Stacey • Linda Busby as J-Roc's Mom

In desperate need of $2,000 to buy some hydroponics gear for his dope-growing business, Ricky reluctantly agrees to star in one of J-Rock's amateur porn films to be shot in J-Rock's trailer. Ricky, however, isn't quite up to the task, and the video, entitled "From Russia With The Love Bone", eventually winds up in Mr. Lahey's possession. Julian must convince Lahey that using the tape against Ricky would not be in Lahey's best interest.

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1. Sent Randy on a routine noise complaint

2. Probably Ricky working on that car of his.

3. Guess where?

4. Buddy Julian's.

5. I'm gonna get Ricky today, I gotta a feeling.

6. Mr. Lahey, 10-78, I need back up!

7. Give me that fucking walkie-talkie

8. Lahey, this is fucking Ricky!

9. Get Randy the fuck away from me, and hurry the fuck up!

10. Yeah, hold on Randy. I'm coming!

11. What's going on here?

12. Let him go, Ricky! Let him go!

13. What's happenin'?

14. The little pervert's bee n snooping through my car and I'm pissed off.

15. - Yeah? - Yeah.

16. I just came to check a noise complaint, Mr. Lahey

17. and he's growing marijuana in his car.

18. - You stay the fuck out of there. - Is that true Ricky?

19. Is that true?

20. Oh so you don't smoke dope anymore?

21. You haven't been buying dope from me for ten fucking years, Lahey?

22. Ricky, there's a lot of guys growing dope here in the park,

23. but your the only one that's growing dope in his car

24. And guess what that makes you Ricky?

25. - What? - A loser.

26. Come on, Randy. Let's go dea I with something important

27. like kids breaking bottles on the playground.

28. Ricky... Guys, come on! Randy, you shut up!

29. Randy, get in the car!

30. Get in the car, Randy!

31. Oh, geez...

32. Randy!

33. Frig off, Rick!

34. You have enough, Ricky?

35. Before Ricky went to jail, he had a huge set up.

36. I mean it was one -

37. It was a kick ass hydrophoni c operation, 200 plants.

38. He supplied everybody.

39. Even Lahey was buying dope off him. It was that good.

40. You don't have your act together.

41. What are you talking about

42. You've been out of jail for three weeks

43. and all you've done is live in this car and grow four weed plants.

44. I thought that was prett y good considering, Julian.

45. - No, that's not good. - I'm trying my best here.

46. Well fine, but it's not really that good.

47. I - One thing I know is that you get out of jai

48. and people treat you differently 'cause you're a convict,

49. or whatever they call you.

50. But then there's guys like this Phil I know.

51. He's awesome. He owns a hydrophonic store in town,

52. which is real convenient 'cause I need bunch of equipment.

53. So, I'm gonna go down there.

54. I'll just get him to lend me a bunch of equipment and start growing dope.

55. When I sell my first crop, I'll just pay him back then.

56. People like him are cool. He's not gonna have a problem with it.

57. Alright, Ricky doesn't wan t you guys going into the hydroponic store.

58. I guess this guys, uh...

59. pretending to be a legitimate business man.

60. I just don't want you guys screwing this up.

61. So just stay here.

62. Get the hell out of my store! now!

63. Ricky, get out now!

64. Is this about the hundred bucks I owe you?

65. 'Cause I was in jail. I don't give a shit about your money!

66. Just get out! I don't want to see you in here.

67. That's Phil.

68. He doesn't like Ricky much , but...

69. I guess he owes him some money.

70. I wanna get a couple of lights and -

71. - I don't want to see you in here.

72. What the fuck are you doing? Hey! Ricky!

73. - Let go of him, Ricky! - What the hell you doin' here

74. - Let go of him! - What the hell they doin' here?

75. - Let go of him! - Is this a drug bust?

76. This is Julian. Put the fucking gun down, Phil

77. Put the gun down, Phil! Turn the fucking camera off!

78. Anyway, you're banned from the store. What are you gonna do

79. Thanks a lot by the way, guys. I told you to wait in the truck.

80. If you're gonna follow us, listen to me.

81. I don't care, I'll just order stuff

82. out of a magazine I guess. It's probably cheaper.

83. All I know is I've gotta start growing dope

84. and getting my life back o n track or Lucy's gonna leave me

85. And I'm not gonna let that happen.

86. I'm totally gonna leave Ricky, unless he can make some money.

87. There's no way that he can b e with me and be with Trinity.

88. If he's just living in a car and...

89. forget it, there's no way.

90. There are only two things that he does well.

91. One is he grows good dope. He grows amazing dope.

92. I think that's why I liked him in the first place.

93. And uh... well, the second thing is sexual

94. and I don't want to talk about that.

95. Yeah, Ricky... Ricky's great in bed.

96. I mean it's not just his size.

97. I mean that's adequate, don't get me wrong.

98. But it's the fact that he really wants to please you

99. He's really considerate, you know.

100. I guess sex isn't everything

101. Lucy's more interested in someone that can support her

102. Since he got out of jail, he hasn't been doing shit.

103. He's not growing dope, he doesn't have a job...

104. That's bullshit. You need someone that can support you

105. Boys, check out Ricky picking up some butts.

106. Hey Ricky, find any good ones?

107. What? Yeah, like you guy s never smoked a butt, eh?

108. "Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts."

109. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of your TV show,

110. I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody.

111. I'm moving to Toronto.

112. I'm especially sick of this dick.

113. Get the fuck out of here, Lahey.

114. Fuck it, man. I'm gonna move to Toronto and be a street person.

115. I don't care. Rick, think about it.

116. You don't got no money, man. What are you gonna do?

117. How are you gonna get out there?

118. - Wha's goin' on honkies? - J-ROC?

119. E - Damn, you stank. You can pull some Old Spic

120. or some Brute on that mother fucker.

121. D - Listen, I'm not in the mood today. So, unless you've got two gran

122. you want to lend me, get the fuck out of my face!

123. - Hey man, take it easy. - No, I'm sick of this shit!

124. I'm sick of all you guys. I'm sick of this car.

125. Actually, you want to make some skarilla,

126. you pop by my crib, I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money

127. I'm serious too. You're gonna make me some money?

128. I'll make you tons of money, you know what I'm sayin'.

129. Pop by my crib. Excuse me gorilla we da fuck out.

130. If you're serious, I'll be down in about an hour.

131. Maybe I'm not movin' to Toronto.

132. Ricky... I just want you to do one thing, all right

133. I just want you think.

134. For once in your life, think, okay?

135. Don't get involved with those idiots.

136. You got a better idea?

137. Next message.

138. Julian, Ricky. Here's what's going to happen, buddy.

139. I just found out about a reall y good business opportunity,

140. and I want to go down to The Pit like old times.

141. I could talk to you about it , get your advice.

142. But I think this is a good opportunity for me

143. to get some money to start buying some dope equipment

144. and hopefully buy Lucy a rin g at some point

145. and maybe get married or whatever.

146. So give me a call.

147. It's a really important question

148. and I have to ask you this question today.

149. Do you ever watch pornos?

150. Why?

151. Just making conversation, man.

152. I was wondering what you thought

153. of the guys that act in them? They're greasy.

154. Sorry, man.

155. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie,

156. would you think I was greasy

157. 'Cause it's a little different

158. You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J - ROC, aren't ya?

159. If you do that, yeah, you' d be real greasy, and stupid

160. I need the money, that's the thing you don't understand

161. I'm desperate here. It's about my family.

162. I've got to do this. I'm going to be a film star. Fuck it.

163. No, a porn star. Not a film star, Ricky,

164. there's a big difference.

165. It's not that different, it's still film.

166. Would you see De Niro doing a porn flick?

167. I don't know. If they paid him enough money, he'd probably do one.

168. No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

169. I thought about this, guys I can't do this. This is crazy

170. What are you talking about? Why not?

171. It's gonna be all good, seriously.

172. I don't know if I want to be in a porno movie.

173. This ain't a porno movie. This is an adult film, motherfucker

174. What about the people who'll see this shit? What about Lucy

175. Only people in Russia are gonna see it.

176. Does Lucy go to Russia?

177. 'Cause North American men they down with Russian women and vice versa.

178. It's kinda free trade and all that with porn, right?

179. So, I'm directin' this and wrote it.

180. It's called "From Russia with The Love Bone". Know wha' I'm sayin'?

181. If Lucy finds out about this , I'm gonna kill you, guys.

182. Lucy goin' to Russia?

183. You gonna be a great big star, G. Motherfuckers in Russia

184. Why do you think Reveen does so good over there?

185. You gonna be bigger than Reveen.

186. Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good

187. - And I'm gonna get paid? - Oh, you gonna get paid.

188. Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. Get the rest of that shit.

189. This is fucked up.

190. Ricky's...

191. Ricky's a really good guy.

192. He's a good friend of mine

193. He got me a part in a movie J-ROC's makin'.

194. Gonna make 160 bucks.

195. First, they offered me 40

196. and I told them to fuck right off.

197. Gonna make 160 bucks.

198. That'll buy a lot of fuckin' cat food.

199. Now I guess Bubbles is in the film.

200. Those guys don't know what their getting themselves into.

201. , I know that... I'd never do a porno flick

202. but if I did, J-ROC would be the last one doing it,

203. 'cause he's an idiot.

204. Everybody walkin' the face of the earth

205. tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know wha' I'm sayin'.

206. But I ain't shook 'cause the motherfuckers

207. tryin' to take me on, but they can't. Know wha' I'm sayin'.

208. You're sayin' know wha' I'm sayin' too many times.

209. Eighty, ninety times, that's too many times.

210. Once or twice is cool, but eighty, ninety times, man.

211. Are you from the departmen t of know wha' I'm sayin'?

212. You takin' a census? We're hangin' out, right?

213. Eighty or ninety times. That's too many know wha' I'm sayin's.

214. Why are you ridin' on my jock?

215. I'm just tryin' to have a good time,

216. You're countin' my know wha' I'm sayin'.

217. - That's too many times. - How am I supposed to be myself

218. when your countin' my know wha' I'm sayin's all the time,

219. J-ROC, you're sayin' it a lot.

220. - Sayin' what? - Know whap I'm sayin'.

221. OK, we're in Russia, right

222. and we steal this motorcycle

223. and anyway the cops chase us

224. and when they catch us, we have to...

225. perform community service, right?

226. A He's this guy that comes over from Russi

227. and he tries to bust them or somethin'

228. f and he catches them on a Harley Davidson and stuf

229. , and he blackmail's them and they blackmail him and

230. but it's basically a lot of sex really.

231. Whole idea's of it got me pretty damn frisky too.

232. It's been...

233. It's been quite a while sinc e that stuff went on with me

234. I'm really frisky.

235. One, two, one, two. Is this shit on?

236. Alright. You girls all set? Yeah.

237. Don't forget to spit yer gum s out yer mouth's.

238. You all set T with the camera? Yeah.

239. Where's Ricky at?

240. - I'm warnin' you, dicks. - Yeah! up in this

241. you look good cracker! It' all good, it's gonna be alright.

242. - J-ROC I can't do this. - All right. Places, all right

243. It's goin' ta be good, Ricky Trust me, alright?

244. Everybody ready to get up in this?

245. Alright. T, zoom out.

246. Ladies, come on over here.

247. Got ya standin' by the motorcycle, right?

248. Then we get ready to get our freak on.

249. Ricky your goin' be alright. Take your place now.

250. I don't know J-ROC. I'm nervous, man.

251. That's all right, take your place, trust me.

252. It's going to be all good. Go on, go on.

253. Oh, I'll fuckin' try a take, I guess, but..

254. S - Remember, for this one, you ladies are like nervou

255. when you see the cops comin'. You try that shit, see what happens.

256. T, all set? Roll tape.

257. Geez, Stacey, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this

258. on the open market. Oh, yeah...

259. OK, everybody freeze.

260. What's going on here?

261. Maybe there's something that we can make up Sargent, yes?

262. Maybe there is, yes.

263. Sergent Borst, what's going on here?

264. Corporal Alexi, we found the motorcycle bandits.

265. They want to work something out.

266. That's them is it?

267. Let's get it on then.

268. Testical difficulty. Please stand by.

269. J-ROC, I can't do this.

270. I'm thinking about Lucy and I don't know...

271. I need five minutes here.

272. All right, all right, cut.

273. Fuck!

274. - Five minutes. Five. - It's all right.

275. Man, that was the shit. That looked good tough.

276. Now have a seat on the couch

277. This is his first time, right?

278. You jackasses better not say a word about this.

279. I swear to God, if this goes on TV,

280. this is personal stuff and I don't want it on the television.

281. - We'll pretend it never happened. - It's hot in here!

282. I'm thinkin' about Lucy, that's the only problem here

283. Go ahead, boys, go ahead!

284. I can't do it, I don't give a shit.

285. The irony is that I'm doin g this for my girlfriend

286. and if she ever found out, she'd kill me.

287. I can't say I'd blame her.

288. I'm a fucking moron.

289. No, I think it's really cool that you can't cheat.

290. I mean, like, I wish more guys were like that.

291. All rights, soft serve, here's what I'm talkin' about.

292. You can't do the X to the X to the X, right?

293. So we're going to do some SC with your candy.

294. That's soft core, know what I'm sayin'.

295. Still playin' hotels and all that, your still going to be a star.

296. Bubbles, you ain't havin' no trouble. You want to get wit her?

297. Well...

298. if it's OK with her, I certainly would.

299. - Is that all right? - Ya, that's cool.

300. Don't be nervous, Bubbles I'll take good care of you

301. Woohoo.

302. Ricky, let's get in there, man Don't ruin this for me.

303. I'm not gonna ruin it for you, Bubbles.

304. It's just I'm thinking about Lucy and I've got these fucking guys on camera.

305. I don't get that many chances, know what I'm saying? Let's go

306. Well, that's fine Bubbles, but I'm not doing that hard core stuff.

307. I'll do the hard core stuff, don't worry about that.

308. J- ROC! Let's get it on.

309. You and me, Bubbles? What's you talkin' about?

310. Not me and you, arsehole

311. Me and her.

312. - All right, boys, back to work. - Come on, Bubbles, let's go

313. Am I still gonna get pai d for doing the soft core stuff?

314. Let's get that skirt off

315. Ah, shit! put your clothes back on, it's Lahey and Randy!

316. Oh, shit! J, that's your mom , man, we're fucked, dude.

317. - What? - Everybody freeze! Don't move

318. What the hell is going on here?

319. What's goin' on, mom?

320. What the hell is wrong with you, Jamie?

321. Havin' some friends over , drinks and stuff, hangin' out.

322. Got the camera goin', it's all good. Ouch!

323. Mom, that hurts. Why you playin' me like that

324. You tell 'em to turn the camera off and get your friends the hell out.

325. O.K. J-ROC. Money, money, money.

326. No, in my hand!

327. This is now the property of the SunnyVale Trailer Park security.

328. Have a nice evening everybody. Randy let's go.

329. You're grounded,

330. no turn tables for two weeks

331. Mom... Ouch! You're hurtin' me.

332. Why are you playin' me lik e this in front of my friends?

333. That's just wack. Right!

334. That was a prick job.

335. Man you almost had her.

336. That was a prick job.

337. I want the fucking tape back , Lahey.

338. - What tape's that, Ricky? - You know what tape!

339. T Some embarrassing stuff on tha

340. I don't want people seeing. Yeah, I'll say.

341. Gonna kill ya in 3 seconds unless you give me that tape back.

342. You don't want Lucy to see that tape, do you, Ricky?

343. What are you talkin' about

344. You fucking around with me

345. Time to move on, Ricky.

346. Unless you're out of SunnyVale by 9 am tomorrow morning

347. every one in the park's gonn a see that tape, including Lucy.

348. And that would be kind of embarrassing, wouldn't it

349. You blackmailing me? Just you remember, Lahey:

350. what comes around is all around.

351. Don't you mean, what's all around comes around, Ricky

352. This isn't fucking over yet.

353. That's nice talk to use on television. Eh?

354. Don't forget you started this shit storm, limpy!

355. Jesus, Ricky, I can't believ e that you made a porno.

356. I just can't believe it. That's just so out of line

357. Lucy, it's not a big deal. I couldn't get it up.

358. We faked it, there was hardly any touching.

359. I am not gonna be involved

360. or married or anything to a porno gigolo!

361. It's just ridiculous! What's a porno gigolo?

362. You're an idiot! Fuck you!

363. I think she'll calm down in a little while.

364. She just doesn't understand.

365. I was doing this for her. I want to get married.

366. I guess she took it the wrong way. I don't know.

367. Ya, I confiscated the tape

368. , It's... part of the on-going effort to keep tabs on these boys

369. and I will use it some tim e if further action is required.

370. Julian, it's Ricky here.

371. , just letting you know that I've thought about this

372. I feel I have no other option, I'm gonna break in Lahey's trailer.

373. Y and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahe

374. I and I'm thinking about killing Randy as wel

375. and I'm going to take the porno tape back.

376. E I talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give m

377. a hand 'cause we both can't have this tape floating around.

378. Anyway, I was kinda countin' on you to maybe plan this.

379. But if you don't want to, that's up to you.

380. Hope you don't feel guilty

381. I when me and Bubbles are in jai

382. and you know that you coul d have prevented a murder.

383. Talk to you later.

384. sakes.

385. Now I've got a situation on my hands

386. and guess who's gotta deal with it. Me! Of course. Always.

387. I'm sick of this shit. You guys comin'?

388. All right, you guys stay here, I'm going in alone.

389. Why don't you just let me do it? I can do this, it's no big deal.

390. Ricky, stay here, sit down and don't move. Stay.

391. Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking dog.

392. Stay, sit, roll over - I'm not in the fucking mood.

393. O.k. Just say that I can do this.

394. You might be able to do it

395. Just stay here, I'm not in the mood for this, Ricky,

396. shut up. Hurry up.

397. We got your back, Julian

398. Alright, Bubbles, you go around back and watch the back

399. I'll watch the front, just cover his ass, all right? Let's go

400. Keep that thing rolling.

401. Come on.

402. All right, guys. Keep quiet, all right?

403. Ready? You guys ready?

404. Lahey!

405. Randy?

406. What are you guys doin'?

407. I'm not Randy.

408. I'm not Mr. Lahey.

409. Guys, I know it's you guys , what's going on here?

410. Julian, not a fucking word about this!

411. F Uh, let's turn the TV of

412. and get out of here or I'll call the cops.

413. Turn the TV off and the camera off.

414. You're not gonna be callin g the cops, Lahey, alright?

415. This is what's gonna happen:

416. w I'm gonna take this tape and then I'm gonna take a fe

417. of your little goodies down here on the table.

418. In return, I'm gonna give you guys my word

419. that I'm not gonna say anythin g about this to anyone, alright?

420. I'm kind of suprised here guys

421. I could just imagine what Ricky would say if he found out about this

422. Please, Julian, don't tell anyone about this

423. This is our first time doing this.

424. I don't know what you guys think is going on here...

425. but Randy and I were practicing for...

426. Lahey, Lahey, Lahey!

427. I'm not judging anybody here , all right? OK?

428. Please, don't show this to anyone.

429. I'm just in shock, boys.

430. Just when you think you know someone, eh.

431. It's gonna be tough keeping that a secret.

432. Let's get out of here.

433. That's him there. What the hell's he got in his hands

434. Stop shinin' that light in my face, Ricky.

435. What the fuck took so long? Put it away.

436. - What? - Put the light away.

437. - Did you get the tape? - Yes, I got the tape.

438. Man, right on, buddy. Thanks, man.

439. Does he make any copies? No.

440. What's with all the fucking rhum and drugs

441. Never mind. I don't want to talk about it.

442. Get in the truck. Good job, Julian.

443. Thanks, Bubbles.

444. Here, Rick. Nobody's watchin g that without a fucked up VCR

445. Right on, Bubbles. Thanks buddy.

446. You know, the only thing that sucks about this

447. , is after all this bullshit

448. I've still got no money fo r hydroponics gear. I'm fucked

449. Come by tomorrow at 11, Ricky, alright? I'll lend you the money.

450. Man.

451. Ricky, don't be hugging me

452. You're a good fucking guy, Julian.

453. And so are you, Bubbles.

454. I just appreciate everything you guys are doing for me.

455. Doesn't mean I'm gay or nothin',

456. but I appreciate all the shit you do for me

457. I know I don't say it enough , but I appreciate it.

458. You guys teach me shit and you look after me.

459. We should do somethin'.

460. Goin' to bed.

461. Go home to Lucy, Ricky.

462. You're probably right, she's gonna shit.

463. I love you guys, thanks.

464. I'll see you in the morning.

465. Do you want to have a few drinks and smoke a joint, Bubbles?

466. Yes.