Tosh.0 3x13

1. Tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience.

2. Comedy Central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them.

3. Enjoy.

4. Jesus Christ, you're going to round two?

5. That fan's not going to clean itself.

6. Welcome to Tosh.0. My birthday was this weekend and I don't want to toot my own horn,

7. but I think I look pretty great for 22.

8. Tonight on the show, the naked wizard gets redeemed.

9. I introduce you to Bob, my pleasure coach,

10. and I let you decide what will be in my dressing room when I go on tour.

11. Now let's watch that chick get thrown into a fan again.

12. Oh, do not try this at home.

13. I'm kidding, I don't care.

14. At least set it to low.

15. Not as subtle as Ruhefnol, but equally effective.

16. Now try it with the lawnmower.

17. They know there's a switch on the wall, right?

18. That's what she gets for not bringing her hot friend home.

19. And now you're about to see an actual bear hug.

20. Aww.

21. Are they wrestling for the title of most adorable?

22. Because I think it's a tie.

23. This has got to be over porridge.

24. They said there was no way that bear would remember him,

25. but 20 years later they had the most heartwarming reunion.

26. That bear has gotten a lot better at wrestling.

27. When is it okay to laugh at the disabled?

28. Thank you.

29. Now, now, now.

30. If train A leaves Walmart going one mile an hour,

31. good thing she sprung for the tow package on that rascal.

32. I see mom's wearing her going out tarp.

33. And shame on you for laughing.

34. I don't find these jokes funny.

35. Whenever I see someone in a wheelchair,

36. I always offer them a ride.

37. All right, 98% of them made it to their destination safely.

38. And in fairness, that last girl was half dead already.

39. This next guy's scouting report reads,

40. likes to kick.

41. That Asian guy is really good at kicking.

42. Shocking.

43. Somebody's pressing A really fast somewhere.

44. And now it's time for this year's patronizing slam dunk contest.

45. Lowering the bar isn't helping, ladies.

46. You're only cheating yourselves.

47. Now let's put 20 seconds on the shot clock

48. and teach you a lesson you won't soon forget.

49. I can tell you one thing a father never yelled that night.

50. That's my daughter.

51. The ones who don't get hurt make the team.

52. This dunk is called, I'm too ugly to be a cheerleader.

53. The kids in the stands must be on detention.

54. The girl who won crawled under a Kia.

55. Just hold a bounce pass contest and let's move on.

56. What's next?

57. We miss you, macho man.

58. Let's take another look at why you should always use the crosswalk

59. in this week's breakdown.

60. Welcome to the Russian Drunk Driving Grand Prix,

61. brought to you by Smirnoff.

62. Is this on the Versus Network?

63. Home to every sport no one cares about?

64. This cameraman wants you to enjoy the 3D experience,

65. so he stands directly in the path of oncoming traffic.

66. you paparazzi.

67. This one's for Princess Diana.

68. NASCAR would be so much better if fans could stand on the track like this.

69. That Decepticon is hungry.

70. Not sure how this race works.

71. Does the driver get points for each person he murders?

72. In his defense, under the truck is a big blind spot.

73. Hold the phone! That dude is still alive!

74. And his jacket turned inside out.

75. Hey, if you didn't get a plate number, I'm sure it's imprinted on your back.

76. We're just glad one cameraman was smart enough to stay off the course.

77. And for that, we thank you.

78. We'll be right back with the Naked Wizard.

79. But first, here's the high-class nut shot of the week.

80. His penis is even smaller than Lady Gaga's.

81. That's Jonathan Felch, the Naked Wizard,

82. and he was just trying to enjoy the Coachella Music Festival,

83. a three-day celebration of overrated bands.

84. Regular concerts aren't bad enough.

85. Do we really need to add camping to the mix?

86. Music festivals are like third-world countries.

87. Tent cities with no running water, floppy-tinted topless,

88. chicks, and tons of AIDS.

89. Is this Bonnaroo or Somalia?

90. You know who never goes to festivals?

91. Bands who sell a lot of tickets.

92. I'm glad there's eight stages to choose from.

93. That should sound fantastic.

94. When I listen to music at home, I like to have five songs

95. going at once from different parts of the house.

96. And sure, standing outside and rolling on E with a bunch of smelly hipsters

97. sounds like a blast,

98. but nothing makes a sunburn sting more than when

99. a band of horses is playing the soundtrack to your rape.

100. The worst thing about a band of horses,

101. is that they're full of the one thing I try to avoid.

102. You.

103. I'd much rather draw a bath, put on my Bang & Olufsen stereo,

104. and listen to music like a gentleman.

105. I'm furious if I'm further back than Ro F,

106. so I'll pass on standing two acres away in the 100 degree heat

107. just to keep Brennan Flowers from eye-f***ing my girlfriend.

108. I blame Woodstock.

109. Everyone acts like it was so great,

110. but I saw half of that awful Demetri Martin movie,

111. and I beg to differ.

112. Peace and love.

113. More like three days of listening to a bunch of

114. hairy draft dodgers whine about stuff.

115. The only reason Woodstock was necessary

116. is because they didn't have iTunes.

117. Still, it hardly seems fair the police tased the Naked Wizard

118. just because he tried to rock out with his tiny c*** out.

119. That's why I brought him here to play a game of just the tip,

120. or as he calls it, full insertion,

121. in this week's Web Redemption.

122. Jonathan.

123. What's up, man?

124. How are you?

125. Good. How you doing?

126. First thing's first.

127. I gotta see that penis.

128. What?

129. No.

130. Come on.

131. I'll show you mine.

132. All right.

133. Let's go in here.

134. Naked Wizard!

135. You rock, man!

136. Thanks, bro.

137. What about me?

138. Oh, touch point 0 sucks.

139. Good job.

140. Thanks, man.

141. Cool.

142. Come on in.

143. I think it'd be easier if we both got completely naked.

144. Oh, I don't think we're in Coachella anymore.

145. Oh, man, I think we landed on Dorothy.

146. Might as well steal her ruby red chucks and her dog.

147. You're so cute.

148. Go for it, man.

149. Now that we're in color, I might as well interview you.

150. John, where were you for that video?

151. Me and four of my other friends drive out to the festival,

152. and we were gonna go see Paul McCartney,

153. and the first thing that we want to do is get, you know,

154. the party favors.

155. Drugs.

156. Yeah, exactly.

157. I took this stuff, and it was on a Q-tip.

158. About ten minutes later, I am starting to trip out, man.

159. You know, I mean, this is like...

160. This is like more tripping than it should be.

161. I don't really remember what exactly made me

162. want to take all my clothes off.

163. You know, I mean, I figure it's a music festival,

164. like, not much of a problem, right?

165. I basically came to in jail.

166. That's gotta be weird to come to in...

167. It was weird, man.

168. That's like the living hangover.

169. I thought for a while that I had, like,

170. put myself in jail in my own head,

171. and that was kind of scary.

172. You're the dude.

173. Kind of, yeah, yeah.

174. Come a week later, my friend calls me up,

175. and he's like,

176. dude, you gotta get on your computer.

177. You're all over YouTube, man.

178. Did it make you sick the first time you watched it?

179. It was pretty hard to watch.

180. Like, people are talking about this,

181. they're talking about me, and, you know,

182. police brutality, and nudity, and tasers, and...

183. And your penis?

184. And my penis, you know?

185. Have you been back to prison since then?

186. Actually, yeah.

187. Not prison, but county jail.

188. Did you try to sue them at all?

189. I'm not really out to make a bunch of money

190. off the police department.

191. Just the satisfaction of telling them,

192. hey, knock it off, you maniacs.

193. Right.

194. Understand the situation that you're in,

195. and calm down.

196. And, you know, they tased me in the neck.

197. Wow, violently.

198. They tased me near the heart, you know,

199. and those are things that are against the law

200. for them to do.

201. Repeatedly.

202. Tasers can kill people.

203. It is ironic, though,

204. because most victims of police brutality

205. are usually black guys with huge dicks.

206. Right, I know.

207. Weird.

208. What if the person that was naked

209. running around Coachella was a woman?

210. At one point, I thought that was a clitoris.

211. Oh, God, thanks.

212. Drugs can kind of make you shrivel up, you know.

213. Have you done LSD since then?

214. Yeah, yeah, I have.

215. You gotta get back up on the horse.

216. Yeah.

217. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

218. If you have a bad trip, try it again.

219. What do you do for a living?

220. Uh, I'm a fire dancer.

221. All right, let's stop right there,

222. because you said fire dancer,

223. and acted like that was normal.

224. Yeah, okay.

225. What is a fire dancer?

226. Uh, well, I do juggling, and I do poi,

227. and I do batons and staffs,

228. and I've been kind of a circus freak

229. for a long time now.

230. How many people on the Internet saw your penis?

231. It was pretty soon after the video was posted

232. that they started putting the black dot over it.

233. And it's kind of appropriate that you used a dot.

234. Definitely hurts my game, you know?

235. Did it completely kill your game?

236. It's not like my game was all that good in the first place,

237. but I mean, but I'm usually the life of the party.

238. Like, you know, I mean, I dance with fire.

239. Like, you know, that's kind of cool.

240. Has a woman ever said you're the biggest man

241. I've ever been with?

242. No, no, definitely not.

243. How big is your penis when it's aroused?

244. Uh, maybe like five inches.

245. Oh, that is quite the transformation.

246. Yeah, like I said, I'm a grower, not a shower, you know?

247. That is, and is it thick?

248. Yeah.

249. Have you ever considered having sex with a little person?

250. No.

251. My theory is that it would look a lot bigger.

252. It's not a bad idea, actually.

253. It looks like you're about to get your opportunity.

254. Nice.

255. Can you guys help us?

256. The Wizard Files can help you with anything you need.

257. He needs a bigger penis and he'd like to see Paul McCartney.

258. I just want to get home.

259. Then follow the Yellow Brick Road.

260. It's a long journey past a dark glade patrolled by the witch's winged monkey soldiers.

261. Forget the Yellow Brick Road and those flying AIDS monkeys.

262. Google Maps says it's four blocks this way.

263. Let's go. Come on.

264. Come on.

265. I know you.

266. You're that pussy lion.

267. No.

268. I am Aslan.

269. I am here to convince the Wizard of Oz to accept Jesus Christ into his heart.

270. Good luck with that.

271. I don't think anyone's there.

272. I've been waiting quite a while.

273. Beat it, Jesus freak.

274. I am the great and powerful Oz.

275. Coo-coo-ca-choo.

276. What can I do for you?

277. Whoa.

278. Paul McCartney?

279. You're the Wizard?

280. That's right, love.

281. Sorry you didn't get to see me at Coachella.

282. What is it, boy?

283. Something back here?

284. James Van Der Beek?

285. James Van Der Beek?

286. What are you doing here?

287. The Beek is an enigma, man.

288. You never know where he'll pop up.

289. So, what can I do for you?

290. God damn it, you are good looking.

291. Uh, Mr. Beek, I just want to go home.

292. He'd like a bigger penis.

293. And while you're at it, throw a few inches my way.

294. He doesn't need a bigger penis.

295. He's had a big penis inside him this whole time.

296. Oh!

297. I don't want your life.

298. Get us out of here, Daniel.

299. There's no place like home.

300. There's no place like home.

301. There's no place like home.

302. Ugh.

303. It was all a wet dream.

304. Yep.

305. Was James Van Der Beek in yours?

306. Always.

307. Me, too.

308. The Beek.

309. I love the Beek.

310. How many of you knew the beak was going to be the wizard?

311. That is classic beak!

312. We'll be right back, but first, did I win?

313. Hey, some of my guys have asked if I would talk a little bit about my sensitive nip session.

314. For some of them, it can be really almost hot-wired to their genitals.

315. This is Bob.

316. He's a pleasure coach.

317. Can you imagine how happy I was when I found out he lives right down the street from me in West Hollywood?

318. Everybody get your shirts off.

319. To reward you for all your hard work, I brought in my pleasure coach to give you each an individual sensitive nip session.

320. Hey, everybody. Bob's here.

321. Hey, how you doing?

322. Alright.

323. Intertwine your fingers.

324. Now, he's pretty hairy. Is there an advantage to being hairy, though?

325. Well, there's something else here to grab a hold of.

326. Oh, yeah. I'm starting to see the advantages.

327. Well, my goal is to teach people to be more aware of their erogenous zones.

328. Ooh, there's a headphone.

329. Man, he's a solid beaker.

330. Sometimes, an extra little pinch is appreciated.

331. Sometimes.

332. And even an additional pinch is appreciated.

333. Oh, there we go.

334. I like this.

335. I've only heard for a little bit.

336. Yeah.

337. Yes.

338. Nice, gradual, gentle suction.

339. And sometimes can make those little puppies perk up a little bit.

340. Like those.

341. Oh, this looks nice.

342. So...

343. Oh!

344. That one needs more than that.

345. It hurts.

346. It really hurts.

347. It's a different diameter.

348. Oh, okay.

349. Ready?

350. Yeah.

351. Look at me.

352. Oh!

353. Say thank you.

354. Thank you.

355. You bet.

356. Oh, great.

357. So, who's ready for the ultra-massage?

358. Bob, that is me.

359. That is me.

360. Oh.

361. That was good.

362. Ooh.

363. Yeah.

364. Don't pray the old bird.

365. Yeah.

366. Oh, I love it.

367. God, yes!

368. I think I'm finished.

369. I keep thinking every bit we do is going to be the gayest thing we've ever done.

370. But somehow we always manage to top ourselves.

371. If you want to book your own anal cranial, and trust me, you do, go to his website and

372. tell him Daniel sent you.

373. By the way, we're still looking for what college to go to on our campus invasion.

374. Our latest submission comes to us from Michigan State.

375. Daniel Tosh, we're all going to tell you why this Spartan shakes your butt.

376. We just want you to come to visit us, okay?

377. And he sucks me!

378. And I can't be on the show.

379. But they're Daniel Fisher's show.

380. All right.

381. We haven't picked a winner yet, but based on that video, Michigan State is out of the

382. running.

383. Your school seems awful and your girls are annoying.

384. Keep sending in your submissions.

385. Don't forget to go to our blog and upload a clip for a chance to be our viewer video.

386. This week's winner comes to us from Cream City.

387. We'll be right back with more Upright Citizens Brigade.

388. Welcome back.

389. Did you guys see the Oprah finale where she revealed she's been Tyler Perry this whole

390. time?

391. Next week, the Bug in Mouth reporter stops by for a web redemption.

392. What really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that led to Chris

393. Wood's death?

394. I miss chocolate news.

395. Be sure you follow me on Twitter so we can live chat during the shows.

396. Keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com.

397. And tickets are now on sale for my new Tosh Tour on Ice.

398. That's in Canada.

399. When you go on tour, you have a rider, which is a list of stuff you want in your dressing room.

400. Katy Perry has dozens of things on there.

401. Flowers, soft pink walls, a cheating husband.

402. This is what I have on mine.

403. Four bottles of smart water.

404. Why? Because the performer is the one who actually pays for what's on the rider.

405. But I'm a pretty big deal now.

406. Or so I tell myself.

407. So I went to Twitter to see what else I should ask for.

408. Some mother steak.

409. A 3D TV so Derrick Rose can sit in the corner and feel like he is in the NBA Finals.

410. Marshmallow Peeps, lol.

411. It's not easy.

412. It's not Easter anymore.

413. It's going to be real hard to find those now that it's not Easter.

414. A bottle of You Suck Ass.

415. That sounds great, but if they're all out of that, maybe I'll just take a glass of Your Mom's a Whore.

416. Balls in your court, ShowArk501.

417. A signed copy of Goosebumps by R.L. Stine.

418. It's not an easy get.

419. Robot arms.

420. Only the arms because they're the only cool part of the robotic system.

421. Jackie Chan and $500 worth of sour worms with the sour already sucked off.

422. Does Jackie suck the sour?

423. Yes, Jackie sucks the sour.

424. Mexicans cooking you tacos and other Hispanic treats.

425. A black guy to blame stuff on.

426. It's not a bad idea.

427. It's racist, but not a bad idea.

428. All right, I'm out of comedy for the night.

429. See you next week.

430. There was a lot of people that thought that I was drunk.

431. Yeah, I don't think you read drunk at all.

432. No, no.

433. Possibly a superhero.

434. If I was drunk, I probably would have fought back, you know?

435. So how long were you actually in jail for?

436. Maybe 14 hours, 16 hours, something like that.

437. Where did you walk from the jail?

438. When I actually was released from jail, I saw one of my friends that I was with, and the first thing that I asked him was, what happened?

439. And he was like, dude, I thought you could tell us, man.