Tosh.0 2x7

1. - LOCKING MY HANDS. READY?

2. READY.

3. - FALLING.

4. FALL AWAY.

5. - WELCOME TO TOSH.0,

6. THE MOST PRO-TRANSGENDER SHOW ON ALL OF CABLE.

7. YES!

8. WHOO!

9. WE LOVE CHICKS WITH.

10. OKAY, TODAY'S SHOW IS GREAT.

11. THE HOOD RAT KID GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

12. I MAKE SOME LIFELONG FRIENDS ON CHATROULETTE.

13. AND TOSH.0 ENTERS THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

14. NOW LET ME SEE THAT TRUST FALL AGAIN.

15. FALL AWAY.

16. - MEMORIES.

17. SEE, I WAS MOLESTED BY MY CAMP COUNSELOR,

18. BUT I NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO DROP HIM.

19. KUDOS, GIRLS.

20. IT'S NOT REALLY TESTING TRUST AT ALL.

21. IT'S MORE ABOUT ARM STRENGTH.

22. THAT'S WHY I ONLY PUT MY TRUST IN THE LORD.

23. L.A. ISN'T KNOWN FOR HAVING TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE,

24. AND I WANTED TO TEST MY THEORY ON RANDOM STRANGERS

25. WITH SURPRISE TRUST FALLS.

26. TRUST FALL.

27. TRUST FALL.

28. TRUST FALL.

29. - OH.

30. - TRUST FALL.

31. TRUST FALL.

32. TRUST FALL.

33. TRUST FALL.

34. TRUST FALL.

35. WHO'D HAVE GUESSED

36. A GUY IN A WEST HOLLYWOOD GYM

37. WOULD BE THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY?

38. FEEL FREE TO SEND US YOUR OWN SURPRISE TRUST FALLS

39. TO OUR WEBSITE.

40. AND BE CAREFUL.

41. I STILL HAVE A BRUISED TAILBONE.

42. PROBABLY FROM THAT SHOWER SCENE.

43. MARCH MADNESS IS ALMOST HERE.

44. - THREE, TWO, ONE.

45. - GET THE REBOUND.

46. WHITES.

47. THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET ABOVE THE RIM.

48. THIS AIN'T ROCK 'N' JOCK.

49. PUT THE HOOP DOWN TO TEN FEET AND QUIT SCREWING AROUND.

50. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET 25 POINTS FOR THAT, DAN CORTESE.

51. BY THE WAY, YOUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA HUT.

52. IT DOES.

53. IF KIM KARDASHIAN CAN BE FAMOUS FOR NOTHING,

54. THEN THIS NEXT CHICK SHOULD BE A HOLLYWOOD HEAVYWEIGHT.

55. WE NEED TO PAUSE FOR A MOMENT.

56. ALL OF OUR BLACK VIEWERS JUST FAINTED.

57. OH, MY GOD, BECKY,

58. LOOK AT THIS CLIP.

59. LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST

60. IN 20 SECONDS.

61. IS HER ASS PREGNANT?

62. HEY, JOHN MAYER, THIS DOING ANYTHING FOR YOUR RACIST WEINER?

63. NO JIMMY ON EARTH RUNS DEEP ENOUGH

64. TO PUT THAT BUTT TO SLEEP.

65. HEADS UP, NEW ORLEANS.

66. THAT POOL'S ABOUT TO FLOOD.

67. WHO DAT?

68. SHE NEEDS A REARVIEW CAMERA TO BACK THAT THING UP.

69. THAT'S THE NATION'S LARGEST FUDGE FACTORY.

70. WHAT'S NEXT?

71. - , DUDE.

72. - OH, NO, ANOTHER DEATH AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

73. SAD.

74. LET'S LEAVE PING-PONG TO THE ASIANS.

75. HERE'S ONE WAY TO GET YOUR LITTLE BROTHER TO TAKE A NAP.

76. - OKAY, BACK UP SO HE— HE CAN THROW IT TO YOU.

77. BACK UP.

78. OH, MY GOSH.

79. - IN THE FACE!

80. GOOD THING HIS SKULL IS STILL SOFT.

81. HAD HE HAD AN ALUMINUM BAT, THAT KID WOULDA GONE FURTHER.

82. OKAY, SET THE DIFFICULTY LEVEL

83. TO PORTLY FOR THIS NEXT VIDEO.

84. NICE TO SEE KEVIN FEDERLINE DANCING AGAIN.

85. HEY, FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS FEET,

86. HE MOVES THEM PRETTY QUICKLY.

87. I'VE NEVER PLAYED DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION,

88. BUT I ASSUME YOU MUST GET A PIECE OF CAKE FOR BEATING IT.

89. OH, NO.

90. AT LEAST HE DIED DOING WHAT HE LOVED.

91. HIS HEART COULDN'T TAKE IT.

92. IT'S JUST LIKE THE END OF THE WRESTLER.

93. THE WORST THING ABOUT GOING TO THE BATHROOM AT THE MALL,

94. THERE'S JUST NO PRIVACY.

95. DON'T NOBODY GO INTO THE FOOD COURT

96. FOR ABOUT 35, 45 MINUTES.

97. THAT'S THE BIGGEST DEUCE A LATINO HAS DROPPED

98. ON TELEVISION SINCE WILMER GAVE US YO MOMMA.

99. CASH, MONEY.

100. LET'S SQUAT ON THIS VIDEO AND SQUEEZE OUT THE DETAILS

101. IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

102. SANCHEZ HERE IS NOT HAVING A GREAT DAY AT THE MALL.

103. TURNS OUT MAKING YOUR OWN COMBO MEAL

104. OUT OF SBARRO AND PANDA EXPRESS

105. WASN'T A GOOD IDEA.

106. MAYBE AN ORANGE JULIUS WILL HELP SETTLE THE STOMACH.

107. THERE'S A SITUATION BREWING IN HIS PANTS,

108. AND IT'S GOT HIM DOING

109. THE "I CAN'T CONTROL MY BUTTHOLE" DANCE.

110. HE IS RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS.

111. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S UNBUCKLING HIS PANTS

112. RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CLAIRE'S BOUTIQUE.

113. SORRY, GIRL GETTING HER EARS PIERCED,

114. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET A SHOW.

115. THANKFULLY, YEARS OF TRAINING KICKED IN.

116. TIME TO DO SOME EMERGENCY LANDSCAPING

117. AND FERTILIZE THAT PLANT.

118. HE JUST POOPED IN LESS THAN TEN SECONDS.

119. THAT'S GOTTA BE SOME KIND OF WORLD RECORD.

120. LUCKY FOR HIM, THE WHOLE MALL SMELLS LIKE BATH & BODY WORKS,

121. SO NO ONE CAN TELL.

122. IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME.

123. NOW WHAT IS THIS?

124. A NO-WIPER!

125. HOLY COW!

126. HE DIDN'T EVEN CHECK.

127. THE BALLS ON THIS GUY.

128. THAT IS A BOLD MOVE FOR EVEN THE MOST CONFIDENT CRAPPER.

129. COULDA GRABBED A LEAF AND WENT BEAR GRYLLS STYLE.

130. THEN LIKE BRAD PITT IN OCEAN'S ELEVEN,

131. HE CALMLY WALKS AWAY FROM THE SCENE

132. AND INTO THE SUNSET.

133. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING—

134. WHY DIDN'T THE SECURITY GUARDS STOP HIM?

135. IT'S NOT THAT THEY WERE TOO BUSY.

136. IT'S THAT STOPPING A GROWN MAN FROM TAKING A IN PUBLIC

137. IS WAY ABOVE THEIR PAY GRADE.

138. AND FOR THAT, DIRTY, DIRTY SANCHEZ,

139. WE THANK YOU.

140. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

141. WITH THE HOOD RAT KID'S WEB REDEMPTION.

142. BUT FIRST, LOOK AT THIS STUPID OLD WOMAN.

143. - WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT ME NEXT WEEK?

144. BYE-BYE.

145. - OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

146. OF COURSE, NEED THE FLAVOR.

147. WHY ISN'T IT COMING OUT?

148. - IT'S A MICROPHONE. - WHAT?

149. - MICROPHONE.

150. - I THOUGHT IT'S PEPPER.

151. - LATARIAN MILTON IS NOT YOUR TYPICAL SEVEN-YEAR-OLD.

152. FEW HIS AGE HAVE EVER DRIVEN AN SUV

153. UP AND DOWN SEVERAL BUSY STREETS.

154. LATARIAN DROVE SEVERAL MILES THROUGH LAKE PARK

155. IN PALM BEACH GARDEN.

156. ALONG THE WAY, HE RAN OVER TWO MAILBOXES,

157. HIT TWO PARKED CARS IN A COSTCO PARKING LOT,

158. AND STRUCK TWO MOVING CARS NEAR A WALMART.

159. LATARIAN HIT THE CURB AND SIDESWIPED A SIGN.

160. THE SUV TOOK MOST OF THE BEATING,

161. SNAPPING OFF ONE OF ITS AXLES AND WHEELS.

162. - IT'S FUN TO DO BAD THINGS

163. AND DRIVE INTO A CAR.

164. - WELL, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD PERHAPS KILL SOMEBODY?

165. - YES, BUT I WANTED TO DO HOOD RAT STUFF WITH MY FRIEND.

166. - IF I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T TAKE ME TO JAIL,

167. I'D WHIP HIS BEHIND RIGHT NOW.

168. - FIRST OF ALL, REPORTER, IT'S "LA-TAR-IAN,"

169. NOT "LA-TARE-IAN."

170. AND BIG DEAL.

171. MY NEPHEW STOLE A CAR, KILLED A HOOKER,

172. AND BEAT HIS HIGH SCORE.

173. AH, THE INNOCENCE OF YOUTH.

174. LATARIAN IS RIGHT, IT IS FUN TO DO BAD THINGS—

175. MISCHIEF-MAKING, STIRRING UP TROUBLE,

176. STICKING IT TO THE WHITE MAN.

177. HE WAS BUSTED FOR STEALING HIS GRANDMA'S SUV.

178. HE COMMITTED LARCENY AT THE AGE OF SEVEN.

179. HOW MANY OTHER KIDS DO YOU KNOW WHO CAN PULL THAT OFF?

180. DO YOU SEND HIM TO JUVIE?

181. I MEAN, THE IDEA OF A TINY, CHILD-SIZED PRISON IS ADORABLE,

182. BUT IT'S NOT THE ANSWER.

183. THE ONLY THING JUVIE IS GOOD FOR

184. IS PREPARING KIDS TO GET TOSSED INTO BIG PEOPLE JAIL.

185. TRUST ME, I'VE WATCHED BOYZ N THE HOOD AND FRIDAY

186. SEVERAL TIMES,

187. SO I THINK I KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING

188. ABOUT HOW IT IS GROWING UP IN THE PROJECTS.

189. YOU THINK I WAS A LITTLE ANGEL GROWING UP?

190. NOT AT ALL.

191. WHEN I WAS A KID, ME AND MY FRIENDS

192. RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND DISCOVERED

193. ONE-EYED WILLIE'S HIDDEN TREASURE.

194. WE DID IT,

195. BUT MAN WERE THERE A LOT OF BOOBY TRAPS.

196. DON'T WORRY, LATARIAN,

197. I WENT THROUGH A CHUNKY PHASE TOO.

198. WHO KNOWS HOW BAD KIDS TURN OUT THAT WAY?

199. COULD BE GENETIC OR ENVIRONMENTAL,

200. OR BECAUSE THE UPN WENT AWAY.

201. I JUST THINK LATARIAN NEEDS

202. A POSITIVE, WHOLESOME ROLE MODEL,

203. LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE.

204. BUT HER PLATE'S FULL.

205. AND THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM OUT TO MY HOOD,

206. COMPTON-ADJACENT,

207. TO SEE IF HE'S LEARNED HIS LESSON

208. IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

209. YO, LATARIAN MILTON.

210. - WHAT'S UP, BRAH? - WHAT'S UP? HOW ARE YOU?

211. - GOOD. - HAVE A SEAT.

212. WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR GRANDMA'S CAR?

213. - 'CAUSE I GOT MAD AT MY MOM.

214. SHE WOULDN'T LET MY FRIENDS COME IN THE HOUSE.

215. - SO WHERE WERE YOU GONNA— WHERE WERE YOU DRIVING TO?

216. - I WAS GOING TO WALMART.

217. AND THEN WHEN THE POLICE GOT BEHIND ME,

218. I WAS GOING HOME.

219. - DO YOU THINK YOUR GRANDMA WILL EVER LET YOU

220. BORROW HER CAR AGAIN?

221. - NO.

222. - I CRASHED MY MOM'S CAR ONCE.

223. - DID SHE SAY SHE WAS GONNA KILL YOU?

224. - NO, SHE DIDN'T SAY SHE WAS GONNA KILL ME,

225. BUT SHE DID HIT ME.

226. DO YOU THINK THAT THIS WAS KIND OF YOUR GRANDMA'S FAULT?

227. - A LITTLE BIT.

228. SHE SHOULDA KEPT HER KEYS IN HER PURSE.

229. - SHE SHOULDA KEPT HER KEYS IN HER PURSE.

230. DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD JUST NOT TAKE HER CAR?

231. - NO. - WELL, YOU'RE NOT THAT YOUNG.

232. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

233. - I WAS SEVEN.

234. - OH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN HOLD ON. NOW LET ME—

235. WHAT'S THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?

236. - GAVE HER A PRESENT.

237. - GAVE WHO A PRESENT? - MY GRANDMA.

238. - WHAT DID YOU GET HER, A NEW FRONT AXLE?

239. WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU EVER DROVE A CAR?

240. - YES.

241. - IF YOU WERE TO RATE IT ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,

242. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

243. - COOL.

244. - COOL? ALL RIGHT.

245. WHEN THIS VIDEO CAME OUT AND GOT ON THE INTERNET,

246. DID ANYBODY TEASE YOU BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO?

247. - YEAH, SOME KIDS AT MY SCHOOL.

248. - THEY WERE PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS.

249. - YES, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.

250. - YOU'RE IN HOLLYWOOD.

251. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GET OLDER?

252. - FIREMAN.

253. - THAT'S NOT A BAD PROFESSION.

254. - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

255. - THAT'S A BETTER QUESTION.

256. I DON'T KNOW.

257. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE COMEDIAN?

258. - I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HE'S SOME DUDE

259. AND HE HAVE THIS LITTLE PUPPET IN HIS HANDS.

260. - JEFF DUNHAM?

261. - YES.

262. - THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COMEDIAN?

263. - YES.

264. NOW IN YOUR VIDEO, YOU SAID IT'S FUN TO DO BAD THINGS.

265. IS IT STILL FUN TO DO BAD THINGS?

266. - YES.

267. - DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SHOW ME SOME HOOD RAT STUFF?

268. - YES.

269. - NICE!

270. ALL RIGHT, SO WE JUST OPEN IT UP

271. AND THEN WE PLAY IN IT? - YEAH, THAT'S ALL WE DO.

272. - OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

273. THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

274. OH!

275. - YOU WANT TO SEE AVATAR 2?

276. - IT'S IN 4-D. ONLY FIVE BUCKS.

277. - OR THREE OF 20.

278. - I'M JUST GONNA LOOSEN IT.

279. WHY DO WE DO THIS AGAIN? - I DON'T KNOW.

280. - ALL RIGHT.

281. LOOKS GOOD.

282. - LET ME TRY. - I DON'T WANNA GET WET.

283. I DON'T WANNA GET WET ANYWAY. I DON'T WANNA GET WET.

284. THANKS, LATARIAN, FOR TEACHING ME ALL THAT HOOD RAT STUFF.

285. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

286. - BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GROW UP.

287. YOU NEED TO ACCEPT A LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBILITY.

288. THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

289. ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

290. - YEAH, I WAS BORN READY.

291. - LET'S GO TALK TO GRANNY.

292. GRANDMA. - YES?

293. - LATARIAN HAS SOMETHING HE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.

294. - GRANDMA, MAY I PLEASE BORROW YOUR CAR?

295. - NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY CAR.

296. WHY CAN'T YOU BE A BETTER EXAMPLE?

297. - ALL RIGHT.

298. - COME ON, LATARIAN, DON'T WORRY.

299. I KNOW A BETTER PLACE TO GET CARS—

300. THE COMEDY CENTRAL OFFICES.

301. YOU SURE MY PANTS ARE LOW ENOUGH?

302. - YES.

303. - ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO COMEDY CENTRAL.

304. THE PRESIDENT OWNS THOSE TWO CARS.

305. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

306. - SINCE I'M NOT A 40-YEAR-OLD HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS,

307. YOU CAN TAKE THE CORVETTE.

308. - ALL RIGHT, PLAYBOY.

309. YOU KNOW HOW TO HOT-WIRE A CAR?

310. - YES.

311. - I KNEW YOU WOULD.

312. GANGSTERS FIRST.

313. OH.

314. OH, IF THAT KID DOESN'T STRAIGHTEN UP IN A HURRY,

315. HE'S GONNA END UP LIKE TRACY MORGAN—

316. REALLY RICH AND SUCCESSFUL

317. AND KINDA HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

318. AND NOW, BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND,

319. IT'S OUR PRANK OF THE WEEK.

320. - HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.

321. HOLY.

322. - COME ON, COME ON.

323. STOP, STOP, STOP.

324. - HEY, [bleep, bleep, bleep]

325. HEY, HARRY.

326. - OH, HELLO.

327. - I HOPE THIS IS THE GIRL.

328. - HOW YOU DOING?

329. LET ME JUST, UH...

330. BAHH!

331. BAHH!

332. - THOSE ARE SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN MEET

333. ON CHATROULETTE.

334. IT'S A WEBSITE WHERE YOU GET RANDOMLY CONNECTED

335. TO ANOTHER PERSON WITH A WEBCAM

336. ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.

337. YOU OR THEY CAN HIT "NEXT" ANYTIME YOU WANT,

338. AND A NEW PERSON WILL COME UP.

339. THIS COULD CHANGE LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.

340. LOOK AT THE POSSIBILITIES.

341. CHATROULETTE COULD UNITE THE WORLD.

342. I'D NEVER BEEN ON BEFORE, SO WE RECORDED MY FIRST TIME,

343. AND THIS IS HOW IT WENT.

344. HEY, FREAK.

345. THAT'S DISGUSTING.

346. THAT THING IS TINY.

347. THAT LOOKS LIKE YOUR THUMB INSIDE YOUR FIST.

348. NO.

349. DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME? I'M FAMOUS.

350. - TOSH? TOSH.0?

351. - HA HA! - TALK TO ME.

352. - HOW DARE YOU SPREAD HATE OVER THE INTERNET?

353. HA, I LIKE THAT.

354. HEY THERE, BUDDY. FINISH IT UP.

355. OH, COME ON!

356. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY.

357. WHAT'S GOING ON?

358. - IS THAT DANIEL TOSH?

359. - YES.

360. - HOLY.

361. I'M TALKING TO DANIEL TOSH, GUYS.

362. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON CHATROULETTE?

363. - UH, NOT LOOKING FOR.

364. - WHOA.

365. - HEY! HEY, COME ON!

366. SO WHAT WE LEARNED

367. IS THAT IT'S JUST A LOT OF DUDES WHACKING IT.

368. AND SOME OF THEM HAVE SEEN MY SHOW.

369. MAYBE I WAS JUST ON DURING MASTURBATION RUSH HOUR.

370. SO I'D LIKE TO GIVE IT A SECOND CHANCE

371. AND BE THE FIRST-EVER TO PUT AN ENTIRE

372. LIVE TELEVISION AUDIENCE ON CHATROULETTE

373. TO LET YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF.

374. HERE WE GO.

375. THAT'S—

376. THAT'S—ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

377. I ACTUALLY—LISTEN, HONESTLY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

378. I LIKE THOSE UNDERWEAR.

379. ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

380. OH. NO, THAT'S CUTE.

381. DO YOU THINK IF IT COMES OUT AND SEES ITS SHADOW,

382. WE'LL HAVE FOUR MORE WEEKS OF WINTER?

383. THAT IS ENOUGH BLURRED-OUT SCHLONG FOR ONE SHOW.

384. GO TO OUR BLOG IF YOU WANT MORE.

385. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO

386. FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

387. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS ETHAN BERLIN.

388. - HELLO?

389. - HELLO, SOUSAPHONE?

390. - THIS IS SOUSAPHONE.

391. - SOUSAPHONE, IT'S SAXOPHONE.

392. - SAXOPHONE!

393. - SOUSAPHONE! - SAXOPHONE!

394. - SOUSAPHONE! - SAXOPHONE!

395. - SOUSAPHONE. - SAXOPHONE.

396. - SAXOPHONE. - SOUSAPHONE.

397. - SAXOPHONE. - SAXOPHONE.

398. - SOUSAPHONE. - SAXOPHONE.

399. - SAXOPHONE.

400. SAXOPHONE!

401. - YES, I KNOW. - SOUSAPHONE.

402. - YES, SAXOPHONE.

403. - I'M WHISPERING.

404. I KNOW.

405. I'M WHISPERING.

406. - I KNOW. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING, SOUSAPHONE?

407. - I DON'T KNOW, SAXOPHONE.

408. SAXOPHONE!

409. HELLO.

410. HELLO?

411. SAXOPHONE?

412. - WHY DID SAXOPHONE CALL?

413. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF THE MAN SHOW

414. WITH HOSTS JOE ROGAN AND DOUG STANHOPE.

415. - WELCOME BACK.

416. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

417. SOMETIMES YOU SEE AN AWESOME PREVIEW FOR A MOVIE

418. YOU KNOW IS HORRIBLE,

419. BUT YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW IT ENDS.

420. WELL, NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO,

421. BECAUSE I LOVE WATCHING AWFUL MOVIES.

422. I'LL TELL YOU HOW THEY'RE GONNA END

423. IN A NEW SEGMENT WE'RE CALLING SPOILER ALERT.

424. THIS WEEK'S FILM IS AN UNDERRATED LITTLE GEM

425. CALLED ORPHAN.

426. I GOTTA TELL YOU, THIS THING HAD ME AT FRAME ONE.

427. NOW, THEY DON'T ADOPT THIS CRAZY CHICK

428. TILL ABOUT 45 MINUTES IN.

429. YEAH, SHE'S JUST UP IN THE ATTIC.

430. SHE'S PAINTING. SHE CAN PAINT REALLY WELL.

431. OH, THE MOM'S A GREAT PIANIST TOO.

432. DID I MENTION THEY HAVE A DEAF DAUGHTER?

433. THEY HAVE A DEAF DAUGHTER.

434. KIDS WHO HANG OUT WITH ADULTS ARE FREAKS.

435. AND THEY BECOME INSTANT BEST FRIENDS.

436. "WE'RE BEST FRIENDS. I'LL LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE.

437. HOW LONG SHOULD THAT TAKE?" APPARENTLY LIKE A HALF A DAY.

438. AND THE DAD'S LIKE, "OH, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,

439. "WOMAN THAT I'VE KNOWN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

440. I BELIEVE THIS GIRL THAT WE JUST MET."

441. SHE NEVER WANTS TO GO TO THE DENTIST EITHER.

442. SHE'S LIKE, "DON'T TAKE ME TO THE DENTIST."

443. AND THEY'RE LIKE,

444. "OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST."

445. ANYWAY, KIDS START DYING EVERY—

446. LEFT AND RIGHT, PEOPLE ARE DYING.

447. AND ONE NIGHT HE'S POUNDING THEM BACK,

448. AND THE KID STARTS TO GO, LIKE, RUB THE FATHER

449. IN A REAL SEXY WAY.

450. AND I'LL BE HONEST, SHE LOOKS GOOD, I THINK.

451. TO BE QUITE HONEST, I FORGOT THAT PART.

452. "NO, YOU CAN'T JERK ME OFF. YOU'RE MY ADOPTED KID."

453. MEANWHILE THERE'S A DEAF KID JUST RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE

454. THE WHOLE TIME.

455. CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

456. THE WORST THING WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO BE SNEAKY

457. IS NOT KNOW THAT YOU'RE HEAVY-FOOTED.

458. KNOCKING OVER.

459. IT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE LET THAT CHICK TOUCH YOU."

460. I GOTTA WRAP THIS UP.

461. BY THE WAY, IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE.

462. IT'S REALLY COLD.

463. IF I EVER SAID TO MY FAMILY,

464. "OH, MOM, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE DENTIST."

465. SHE'D BE LIKE, "TOUGH, WE HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE.

466. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO."

467. AND THEY'RE FIGHTING UNDERWATER.

468. AND STARTS JUST SHOOTING BLINDLY INTO THE ICE.

469. A DEAF KID DIES WAY BEFORE THE BLACK GUY.

470. "IT'S NOT A KID AT ALL.

471. SHE HAS SOME WEIRD DWARFISM, AND SHE'S 33 YEARS OLD."

472. OH, THERE'S THE SHOT OF THE KID FLOATING TO THE BOTTOM.

473. THIS CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S SPOILER ALERT.

474. YES.

475. EACH ONE OF YOU OWES ME $12.

476. OKAY, NEXT WEEK'S SHOW, WOW.

477. WE GIVE THE "MAKE IT SNOW" GIRL A WEB REDEMPTION.

478. - I WOKE UP EVERYONE, OKAY?

479. I DIDN'T MEAN TO. I JUST WANTED IT TO SNOW.

480. - OH, MY GOD.

481. SUCH A TYPICAL ALPHA KAI OMEGA.

482. AM I RIGHT?

483. OH, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

484. HEY, MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

485. SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

486. CHECK OUT MY TOUR SCHEDULE AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG

487. AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

488. LASTLY, THE WINTER OLYMPICS ARE COMING TO A CLOSE.

489. THANK GOODNESS.

490. MAYBE NOW COLBERT WILL STOP YAPPING

491. ABOUT HOW HE SPONSORED THE U.S. SPEED SKATING TEAM.

492. BIG DEAL. WE SPONSORED A TEAM TOO.

493. BUT SINCE OUR SHOW HAS A BUDGET OF ZERO DOLLARS,

494. WE COULDN'T AFFORD ANY AMERICAN TEAMS.

495. SO FOR THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE,

496. WE FOUND OUT YOU CAN SPONSOR

497. THE IRANIAN ICE DANCING TEAM.

498. DEATH TO AMERICA.

499. GOOD NIGHT.

500. - TAKE YOUR BELT OFF AND PUT YOUR PANTS DOWN.

501. - I GOTTA TAKE MY BELT OFF AND PULL MY PANTS DOWN LOW

502. TO DO HOOD RAT STUFF? - YEAH.

503. - I DON'T LIKE MY PANTS TO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE FALLING OFF THOUGH.

504. - IT'S NOT GONNA FEEL LIKE THEY'RE FALLING OFF.

505. - YES, IT IS. I'M TOO SKINNY.

506. - NO, IT'S NOT.

507. - UGH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TRY.

508. - I CAN TRY?

509. - YEAH, YOU CAN TRY.

510. LET'S JUST DO SOME HOOD RAT STUFF

511. THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE STRENGTH.

512. - I KNOW YOU WANT IT.

513. WHOO!