Tosh.0 2x5

1. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

2. WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

3. I AM YOUR HOST, DANIEL TOSH.0.

4. FROM THE.0 FAMILY.

5. TODAY'S SHOW IS GLORIOUS.

6. THE AVERAGE HOMEBOY GETS A WEB

7. REDEMPTION.

8. NOTED ANTI-SEMITE MEL GIBSON

9. POPS BY.

10. AND APPLE SENT ME A NEW IPAD,

11. AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PROMISE

12. THEM MY FIRST-BORN SON.

13. ALRIGHT.

14. BACK TO THE DRUNK GUY, CORNER

15. POCKET.

16. THAT'S A SCRATCH?

17. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY ALL THE CUES

18. ARE BENT.

19. YOU EVER FIND A CUE THAT'S —

20. SEEMS LIKE EVERY CUE IS WARPED

21. WHERE I PLAY.

22. "WHERE WE PLAY THEY'RE ALL

23. PERFECTLY STRAIGHT."

24. HMM.

25. I BET THAT WAS AN AUDITION TAPE

26. FOR THAT BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE

27. SURROGATES.

28. OH, MY GOODNESS.

29. THAT MOVIE WAS SO —

30. THAT'S THE END OF THAT BIT.

31. OH, YEAH!

32. IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN?

33. IS IT BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE?

34. YES TO BOTH.

35. BY THE WAY, IN THE WOMEN'S HIGH

36. JUMP THAT'S STILL GOOD ENOUGH

37. FOR BRONZE.

38. SHE NEEDS TO BUY THOSE MBT UGLY

39. STRENGTHENING SHOES.

40. FOR $400, YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU

41. HAVE A CLUB FOOT.

42. I LOVE LOBSTER AS MUCH AS THE

43. NEXT KID, UNLESS THAT NEXT KID

44. IS THIS NEXT KID.

45. WOW!

46. WHAT'S IN THERE?

47. A LOT!

48. A LOT OF WHAT?

49. CAN I TOUCH IT?

50. WHAT'S THIS?

51. WHOA!

52. WOW!

53. WHOA!

54. OH!

55. OOH!

56. WHAT?

57. WHOA!

58. EVERY TIME

59. YOU SAY "WHOA," JOEY LAWRENCE

60. GETS 17 CENTS.

61. THEY'RE PUTTING IT RIGHT IN THE

62. LOBSTER DRAWER.

63. THAT'S WHERE POOR PEOPLE KEEP

64. THEIR LETTUCE.

65. WHOA.

66. OH, CAN I TOUCH HIM?

67. OKAY.

68. NO.

69. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIS

70. REACTION VIDEO TO THE FIRST TIME

71. HE SEES BOOBS.

72. "CAN I TOUCH 'EM?

73. WHOA.

74. NO?

75. OH.

76. WHOA.

77. CAN I TOUCH 'EM?

78. NO?

79. OH."

80. SPEAKING OF SEAFOOD.

81. OH, MY GOD.

82. HE'S SUCKING HIS.

83. AND THAT'S HOW PEARLS ARE MADE.

84. I'M NO MARINE BIOLOGIST, BUT I

85. THINK THAT ONE' S LONELY.

86. SERIOUSLY, CAN ALL WALRUSES DO

87. THAT OR IS THAT LIKE THE BLACK

88. GUY WALRUS?

89. ALRIGHT, THERE'S ONE THING THE

90. TRUTH CAMPAIGN CANNOT DENY, AND

91. THAT IS SMOKING REALLY DOES LOOK

92. COOL.

93. RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO SMOKE

94. SMARTIES.

95. YOU CAN DO THEM LIKE THIS.

96. I DIDN'T KNOW SMARTIES CAME IN

97. MENTHOL.

98. ALRIGHT!

99. I JUST WORRY ABOUT HIS LITTLE

100. SISTER WHO HAS TO BREATHE ALL

101. THAT SECOND-HAND SMARTIES SMOKE.

102. IT'S NOT FAIR.

103. SMARTIES ARE A GATEWAY DRUG.

104. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE

105. BLOWING YOUR ENTIRE ALLOWANCE TO

106. MAINLINE STARBURSTS.

107. I SHOULD KNOW.

108. I'VE BEEN THERE.

109. THE USE IS LOOSE!

110. THE USE IS LOOSE!

111. I ONLY HAVE YELLOW LEFT.

112. NOW THAT'S A SUGAR HIGH.

113. COMEDY CENTRAL WANTS ME TO

114. REMIND YOU THAT YOU SHOULD NOT

115. MAINLINE STARBURSTS.

116. TIME FOR A BOOZE CRUISE.

117. GILLIGAN!

118. ALRIGHT.

119. LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

120. CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

121. COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

122. I HOPE ANDY SAMBERG WAS ON THAT

123. BOAT.

124. THAT HAPPENS A LOT BECAUSE THE

125. OCEANS ARE SO NARROW.

126. HEY, WHILE WE EXCHANGE INSURANCE

127. INFORMATION, AH, SHOW ME YOUR

128. TITS?

129. YOU SUNK MY LUXURY CRUISE SHIP.

130. IN THIS CASE, IT REALLY IS THE

131. SIZE OF THE BOAT THAT MATTERS.

132. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DRIVING

133. WITH YOUR DONG, TOMMY LEE.

134. MEMORIES.

135. IT'S NOT THAT BIG.

136. COMPARED TO A WALRUS.

137. I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT, AS SHARP

138. AS OUR VIEWERS ARE, NOT ONE OF

139. YOU HAS EVER POINTED OUT THE

140. FACT THAT OUR 20 SECONDS ON THE

141. CLOCK, IS NOWHERE NEAR 20

142. SECONDS.

143. IT ENDS WHEN I'M OUT OF JOKES.

144. ALRIGHT.

145. MOVING ON.

146. WHAT'S A RIDE ON THE SUBWAY

147. WITHOUT THE THREAT OF VIOLENCE

148. TOWARDS WOMEN?

149. THAT DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN TO

150. JODIE FOSTER.

151. THAT GUY IS LOOKING LIKE A FOOL

152. WITH HIS PANTS ON THE GROUND.

153. NOW LET'S GET BACK INTO THAT

154. VIDEO, ONE LEG AT A TIME, IN

155. THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

156. ALRIGHT, CLEAN SUBWAY.

157. MUST BE EUROPE.

158. TODAY IS THE DAY THAT OUR FRIEND

159. LIAM HAS WORKED UP ENOUGH

160. COURAGE TO TALK TO A WOMAN.

161. HE KNOWS FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE

162. IMPORTANT, SO HE GOES WITH A BIG

163. KNEE TO THE EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO

164. HER.

165. IS THERE ANY WOMAN WHO DOESN'T

166. LOVE A GOOD SCARE ON A LATE

167. NIGHT TRAIN RIDE?

168. BUT WAIT, WHAT'S THAT?

169. OUT OF NOWHERE, CAPTAIN KRAUT,

170. GERMANY'S FAVORITE HOBO

171. SUPERHERO SPRINGS INTO ACTION.

172. NEXT STOP EMBARRASSMENT.

173. THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS WEAR A

174. BELT.

175. I MEAN, HOW MANY ASSES DO YOU

176. HAVE TO KICK BEFORE YOU GET SO

177. BORED WITH IT YOU DECIDE I'M

178. JUST GOING TO PULL HIS PANTS

179. DOWN, SEE WHAT HE DOES.

180. HERE'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

181. RIGHT NOW HE'S TURNING AROUND

182. AND THINKING, "PLEASE BE A

183. WOMAN, PLEASE BE A WOMAN.

184. IT'S A DUDE, A HUGE,

185. HUGE DUDE."

186. LIAM'S NO DUMMY.

187. IT'S HARD TO LOOK TOUGH PULLING

188. UP YOUR PANTS.

189. IT'S LIKE TRYING TO LOOK BADASS

190. WHILE WINKING.

191. ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

192. YOU KNOW THAT CHICK WOULD BANG

193. CAPTAIN KRAUT RIGHT HERE AND

194. NOW, BUT LIKE ANY TRUE HERO HE

195. DOESN'T CARE.

196. HE JUST PICKS UP THE PAPER AND

197. RESUMES HIS JOB SEARCH.

198. THE REAL HERO HERE IS THE CAMERA

199. MAN WHO REFUSED TO LIFT A FINGER

200. TO HELP THAT POOR WOMAN SO THAT

201. HE COULD DOCUMENT THIS FOR ALL

202. TO SEE, AND FOR THAT WE THANK

203. YOU.

204. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

205. AVERAGE HOMEBOY'S WEB

206. REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, IT'S

207. "BEHIND THE SCREEN NAME."

208. IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE WHO

209. WRITES TO THIS SHOW HAS A CRAZY

210. SCREEN NAME.

211. ONE OF OUR FAVORITES IS SOMEONE

212. WHO CALLS HERSELF SALLYTWO

213. SO WE INVITED HER TO EXPLAIN WHY

214. SHE CALLS HERSELF SALLY TWO

215. IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE TWO

216. I'M JUST A MIDDLE-CLASS GUY

217. TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

218. SOMETHING TELLS ME HE MIGHT

219. HAVE MORE THAN 99 PROBLEMS.

220. ARM ME WITH HARMONY.

221. THAT'S DENNY HAZEN, A.K.A. DENNY

222. BLAZE, A.K.A. BLAZIN' HAZEN,

223. A.K.A. THE AVERAGE HOMEBOY,

224. A.K.A. THE

225. PROBABLY-STILL-LIVES-AT-HOMEBOY.

226. THAT VIDEO CAME OUT OVER 20

227. YEARS AGO, BUT THE RAP GAME IS

228. VERY DIFFERENT MONSTER NOW.

229. HIP-HOP, AS WE ALL KNOW, STARTED

230. "WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO WERE

231. UP TO NO GOOD STARTED MAKING

232. TROUBLE IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD."

233. IT USED TO BE DANGEROUS AND

234. EXCITING.

235. REMEMBER BIGGIE VS. PAC.

236. NOW IT'S KANYE VS. TAYLOR.

237. MURDER WAS THE CASE THAT THEY

238. GAVE SNOOP, NOW HE'S MAKING

239. QUESO DIP ON THE "RACHEL RAY

240. SHOW."

241. THINGS DONE CHANGED.

242. AND I BLAME PRESIDENT OBAMA.

243. I STILL LOVE HIP-HOP, THOUGH.

244. YOU NEVER HEAR JOSH GROBAN SONG

245. I'LL SAY THAT AGAIN:

246. THAT'S JUST FUN.

247. RAP IS REAL TALK.

248. PICTURE ME ROLLIN, DEATH TO MY

249. ENEMIES, O.P.P.

250. NOTHING REALER THAN THAT.

251. AND FOR THE RECORD, LADIES, "THE

252. LAST P?

253. WELL, THAT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

254. IT'S THE LOVELIEST, LONGEST,

255. LEAN, I CALL IT THE LEANEST."

256. ROCKIN' THE MIC RIGHT IS NOT AN

257. EASY JOB.

258. YOU HAVE TO THE PO'LICE,

259. ALWAYS KEEP HUSTLIN' HUSTLIN',

260. AND TO GO QUADRUPLE QUADROPPLE,

261. YOU GOTTA COME UP WITH FUNKY

262. LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

263. PLUS, NOBODY EVER RETIRES.

264. YOU JUST GET SHOT AND DIE.

265. OR BECOME A DETECTIVE ON A COP

266. SHOW MY PARENTS WATCH.

267. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR A MIDDLE

268. CLASS HONKY RAP ABOUT EATING AT

269. THE OLIVE GARDEN, BUT DENNY IS

270. NOT THE WORST RAPPER OF ALL

271. TIME.

272. JA RULE STILL HOLDS THAT BELT.

273. YOU SOUND CONSTIPATED.

274. SO THERE'S STILL HOPE, AND

275. THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT DENNY OUT

276. TO THE 310 FOR SOME

277. CALIFORNIA-LOVE IN THIS WEEK'S

278. WEB REDEMP-EMP-EMP.

279. REMIX!

280. AND THAT'S WHY THE AVERAGE

281. HOMEBOY IS COMING BACK, BACK, TO

282. CALI, CALI IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

283. REDEMPTION.

284. DENNY?

285. WHAT'S UP, HOMEBOY?

286. WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

287. SHAKING IT, MAN.

288. UNGH!

289. GOOD SEEING YOU.

290. GOOD SEEING YOU, DUDE.

291. SHINING MY CAR BRINGS ME LOTS

292. OF JOY.

293. OH, YEAH?

294. 'CAUSE I'M AN AVERAGE

295. HOMEBOY.

296. HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE

297. NAME "AVERAGE HOMEBOY."

298. AT THE TIME, EVERYBODY WAS,

299. "COLD, ICE, GANGSTER," ALL

300. THAT...

301. SURE.

302. AND I WANTED TO TELL MY POINT

303. OF VIEW FROM A WHITE GUY SAYING,

304. "HEY, YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO WASH

305. MY CAR AND I CUT THE GRASS," AND

306. JUST TELL A RAP ABOUT WHO I WAS.

307. I JUST FOUND OUT LAST WEEK THAT

308. I'M IN THE WHITE RAPPERS

309. ENCYCLOPEDIA.

310. ARE THE ENCYCLOPEDIAS BROKEN

311. UP BY RACE?

312. BECAUSE I HAVE ISSUE WITH THAT.

313. WHY AREN'T THERE MORE WHITE

314. RAPPERS ON BET?

315. BECAUSE IT'S BLACK

316. ENTERTAINMENT.

317. SHOULD WE START WET?

318. I THINK IT WOULD BE CALLED

319. NBC, CBS, AND FOX.

320. WAS THERE A CHOREOGRAPHER FOR

321. YOUR DANCE MOVES?

322. I HAVE TO ADMIT I CAME UP

323. WITH THOSE ALL ON MY OWN.

324. THE BASIC STEP WAS THE PELVIC

325. THRUST.

326. MAY I SEE THE PELVIC THRUST?

327. WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU DO IT

328. WITH ME?

329. I'D LOVE TO.

330. PUSH YOUR HANDS DOWN AND YOUR

331. PELVIC OUT.

332. READY?

333. OKAY.

334. ONE, TWO, THREE.

335. HUH!

336. HUH!

337. HUH!

338. WHY DO YOU FEEL THE WHITE MAN

339. HAS BEEN HELD BACK IN THE RAP

340. GAME?

341. I THINK IT IS A REVERSE

342. DISCRIMINATION TO SAY, "HEY, YOU

343. CAN'T RAP BECAUSE YOU'RE WHITE."

344. HEY, IT'S OKAY TO MAKE A MOVIE

345. "WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP," BUT IF

346. YOU MADE A MOVIE CALLED BLACK

347. MEN CAN'T SWIM, THEN THERE'S A

348. BIG HOOPTY-DO.

349. BUT MY THING IS THAT—

350. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD MOVIE.

351. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

352. IT'S A GOOD MOVIE.

353. IF YOU PITCHED THAT IN THIS

354. TOWN, BLACK MEN CAN'T SWIM.

355. WHEW!

356. BUT YOU WOULD ALSO BE SAY

357. "YOU'RE A RACIST," AND ALL THAT.

358. YOU GOT TO PUT ONE OF THE

359. WAYAN'S BROTHERS IN IT.

360. YOUR RAPS TEND TO BE ON THE

361. CLEANER SIDE.

362. I LIKE TO STAND OUT FROM THE

363. CROWD.

364. MY RAP IS ABOUT HAVING GOOD,

365. CLEAN FUN.

366. OKAY.

367. WELL, I WANT TO GET YOU IN THE

368. STUDIO AND I BROUGHT IN A LEGEND

369. TO HELP YOU TAKE YOUR FLOW TO

370. THE NEXT LEVEL.

371. MR. BIZZY BONE.

372. HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

373. DENNY, LATER TONIGHT, IS

374. GONNA GO FOR HIS FIRST BATTLE

375. RAP.

376. ANY ADVICE FOR HIM?

377. BE CLEAR.

378. YOU NEED YOUR METAPHORS

379. DEFINITELY AT TOP NOTCH, BECAUSE

380. YOU WANT THE PEOPLE.

381. THE PEOPLE JUDGE BATTLE RAPS,

382. NOT THE RAPPERS.

383. THE PEOPLE AROUND.

384. I'M GONNA JUST THROW OUT A

385. WORD AND YOU JUST GIVE ME A

386. COUPLE WORDS IMMEDIATELY THAT

387. RHYME WITH IT.

388. > ALL RIGHT.

389. GRUNT.

390. HUNT.

391. BUNT.

392. THAT'S A SETUP THERE.

393. THAT'S A SETUP.

394. BROTHER TRUCKER?

395. NICE.

396. ORANGE.

397. THIS IS NICE.

398. NICE.

399. PUTTING ME ON THE SPOT.

400. ALL RIGHT.

401. AND THE LAST ONE...

402. TRIGGER?

403. TRIGGER?

404. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, BIZZY?

405. ALL RIGHT, IT'S TIME TO

406. BATTLE.

407. ALL RIGHT.

408. YOU'RE GONNA BE GOING UP

409. AGAINST ONE OF THE HOTTEST NEW

410. ALL RIGHT, HE'S NOT EVEN A

411. RAPPER.

412. HE'S JUST A BLACK PERSON.

413. BUT WE THINK ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

414. IS BEAT ANY BLACK PERSON AND

415. THEY WILL CONSIDER YOU, AS A

416. WHITE RAPPER, ABOVE AVERAGE.

417. OKAY.

418. GOOD LUCK.

419. AND ONCE THEY HEAR THIS,

420. THEY'RE JUST GON' BE BLAZED.

421. SAVE THAT FOR THE STAGE.

422. YO, YO!

423. HOW YOU MOTHER DOING

424. TONIGHT?

425. IT'S TIME FOR THE BATTLE.

426. WE GOT THE AVERAGE HOMEBOY,

427. WHO'S TRYING TO BECOME THE

428. ABOVE-AVERAGE HOMEBOY.

429. AND OVER HERE WE HAVE A BLACK

430. GUY THAT WE FOUND IN THE

431. AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

432. MR. JASPER RED.

433. WHEN I HAND YOU THE MIC, YOU

434. SETTLE YOUR DIFFERENCES.

435. UP FIRST, LET'S GIVE IT TO

436. JASPER RED!

437. OH, MY GOODNESS!

438. WHOO!

439. WOW!

440. WE GOT LUCKY WITH THAT

441. SELECTION.

442. NEXT UP, IT'S TIME FOR MR. DENNY

443. BLAZE, THE AVERAGE HOMEBOY.

444. THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU

445. READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

446. I'M READY TO BLAZE 'EM.

447. OH!

448. I THINK IT'S CLEAR TONIGHT THERE

449. IS A NEW KING OF THIS CASTLE AND

450. YOU CAN CALL HIM "THE

451. ABOVE-AVERAGE HOMEBOY"!

452. WOO-HOO-HOO!

453. YEAH!

454. YOU JUST GOT BLAZED.

455. AWW.

456. LOOK FOR ME THIS SUMMER IN

457. BLACK MEN CAN'T SWIM.

458. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST

459. HERE'S YOUR M.

460. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST ENDING OF

461. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST ENDING OF THE WEEK.

462. THE WEEK.

463. FOUR CHAIRS!

464. FOUR CHAIRS!

465. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR OPENING UP

466. MY BIG FAT TRAP.

467. SEE, A FEW WEEKS AGO I SAID I

468. WOULD BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING YOU

469. CHALLENGED ME TO.

470. BUT FOUR CHAIRS!

471. I LOOKED IT UP, AND YES, THAT IS

472. THE CURRENT WORLD RECORD.

473. CAN I BEAT IT?

474. LET'S FIND OUT IN OUR MOST

475. POPULAR SEGMENT.

476. "I'M BETTER THAN YOU, NANA BOO

477. BOO, STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO

478. DOO."

479. I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

480. WHY WAS I WEARING A POWDERED

481. WIG?

482. TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT

483. THAT MY T-SHIRT WAS TUCKED INTO

484. MY UNDERWEAR.

485. DUH.

486. THE NEXT CHALLENGE LOOKED A BIT

487. TOUGHER.

488. ONE, TWO, THREE.

489. 15, 16, 17, 18.

490. 33, 34, 35.

491. OH!

492. I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS

493. COUNTING, BUT YOU SKIPPED A FEW

494. NUMBERS.

495. YOU KNOW I'M FROM THE STREETS.

496. JUMP ROPING?

497. OKAY, LET'S DANCE.

498. SO ONCE AGAIN, I MUST SAY, WITH

499. ALL DUE RESPECT TO ALL OF YOU,

500. I'M BETTER THAN YOU, NANA BOO

501. BOO, STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO DOO.

502. ALRIGHT.

503. MEL GIBSON HAS BEEN OUT

504. PROMOTING HIS NEW MOVIE, AND THE

505. INTERVIEWS HAVE BEEN GETTING A

506. LITTLE HEATED, TO SAY THE LEAST.

507. THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO TALK TO

508. HIM WITHOUT ANY AGENDA

509. WHATSOEVER.

510. SO PLEASE WELCOME, MR. MEL

511. GIBSON.

512. THANKS FOR BEING HERE, MEL.

513. YOU'VE BEEN IN A LOT OF HOT

514. WATER THE LAST FEW YEARS.

515. CARE TO COMMENT?

516. WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO

517. SPECIFICALLY.

518. WHEN YOU SAID, THE JEWS ARE

519. RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WARS.

520. YOU HAVE A DOG IN THIS FIGHT?

521. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

522. I'M NOT JEWISH AND THAT'S

523. COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.

524. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR AUSTRALIAN

525. ACCENT?

526. NO NEED TO BE HOSTILE.

527. I'M A BIG FAN OF YOUR MOVIES,

528. EXCEPT "BIRD ON A WIRE" AND "MAN

529. WITHOUT A FACE" AND "LETHAL

530. WEAPON 3 AND 4."

531. NOW, GETTING BACK TO THE

532. INTERVIEW.

533. WHAT DOES YOUR PARTNER THINK OF

534. YOUR BEHAVIOR?

535. I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS.

536. I KNOW YOU ARE, MERTAW.

537. LET'S WRAP THIS UP.

538. THANKS, MEL.

539. YOU GOT SAUCE IN YOUR FACE!

540. PLEASE SEND ME YOUR OWN FAKE

541. MEL GIBSON INTERVIEWS SO WE CAN

542. POST THEM ON OUR BLOG, AND WHILE

543. YOU'RE THERE, BE SURE TO UPLOAD

544. YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO

545. BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

546. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS DEMARCUS

547. AND CHANG.

548. HI.

549. WELCOME BACK TO THE DeMARCUS AND

550. CHANG SHOW.

551. I'M DeMARCUS.

552. AND I'M CHANG.

553. AND YOU'RE A RACIST.

554. FOR TICKET INFORMATION, STAY

555. WELCOME BACK.

556. WHAT A GREAT SHOW.

557. NEXT WEEK EVEN BETTER.

558. AH, YOU FEEL RIPPED OFF.

559. YES?

560. WE GIVE THE PROM GIRL A WEB

561. REDEMPTION.

562. TOE PICK!

563. COME ON.

564. CUTTING EDGE.

565. THE WOMEN LOVE THAT JOKE.

566. MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON

567. TWITTER SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT

568. DURING THE SHOWS.

569. CHECK OUT MY TOUR SCHEDULE AND

570. KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG AT

571. COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.O.

572. NOW EARLIER, I TOLD YOU AT THE

573. BEGINNING OF THE SHOW, THAT I

574. GOT A CHANCE TO SAMPLE THE NEW

575. IPAD.

576. A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW I'M NOT

577. REALLY INTO TECH STUFF, DESPITE

578. THE FACT THAT I HOST A SHOW

579. BASED ON THE INTERNET.

580. I ENJOY MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE.

581. IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

582. ANYWAY, APPLE SENT ME ONE TO

583. TEST OUT BEFORE IT WENT ON SALE,

584. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT WAS

585. PRETTY COOL.

586. HEY, GUYS.

587. IT'S HERE.

588. WHAT?

589. THE NEW iPAD.

590. THAT'S COOL.

591. THANK YOU, APPLE.

592. I CANNOT WAIT TO USE IT.

593. DANIEL!

594. DAMMIT!

595. WE NEVER EVEN TURNED IT ON.

596. HAHAHA.

597. OH, HOW DOES THAT FEEL, NERDS?

598. OOH.

599. IT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO RUN TWO

600. APPS AT ONCE, BUT IT SURE HELPED

601. ME WITH MY SLICE.

602. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

603. GOODNIGHT!