Tosh.0 2x20

1. > OH!

2. WAS THAT TWO OR THREE FLIPS?

3. WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

4. YES, I AM AWARE THAT I AM THE

5. GAYER VERSION OF JEFF LEWIS.

6. TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE GET "THE

7. ANGRY BLACK PREACHER" TO REPENT.

8. I SHOW YOU THE BEST WAY TO BLOW

9. OFF STEAM AT WORK.

10. AND I BURN 1,500 BOOKS.

11. NOW LET'S GO BACK AND WATCH HIS

12. FACE STICK THE LANDING.

13. OH!

14. THANKS, BP.

15. BECAUSE OF YOU, KIDS ARE NOW

16. FORCED TO DIVE HEAD-FIRST INTO

17. DRY SAND.

18. ALRIGHT, BUDDY.

19. CATCH YOUR BREATH.

20. MAYBE PLAY SOME PRO KADIMA FOR A

21. WHILE.

22. YOU FAMILIAR WITH PRO KADIMA?

23. THAT'S MY FAVORITE BRAND OF

24. PADDLE BALL.

25. BY THE WAY, IS THE SAND IN THE

26. LIFEGUARD'S JURISDICTION?

27. THEY'RE COMING.

28. THAT SONG MEANS THEY'RE COMING.

29. ANYONE BUT STEPHANIE HOLDEN.

30. NAH!

31. SHE'S JUST SO BROAD.

32. "I LIKE HER CAUSE SHE'S

33. NATURAL."

34. YEA, I GET IT, HONEY.

35. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE,

36. KID.

37. HAS CHINA TAUGHT US NOTHING?

38. A HIGH DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY IS

39. MEANINGLESS IF YOU DON'T STICK

40. THE LANDING.

41. COME ON PEOPLE, UP YOUR GAME AND

42. SEND ME SOME CHALLENGES THAT ARE

43. WORTHY OF MY TALENT.

44. ALRIGHT, LET'S SET THIS NEXT

45. CLIP ON THE DELICATE CYCLE.

46. HOW ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO CLEAN

47. YOUR BRICKS?

48. LOOKS LIKE R2 IS HAVING A

49. SEIZURE.

50. MY CHRYSANTHEMUMS!

51. THAT IS WAY BETTER THAN DONATING

52. TO POOR PEOPLE.

53. ALRIGHT, THE TEST RUN WENT

54. GREAT.

55. NOW, GET THE BABY.

56. THERE IS A DOWNSIDE TO HAVING AN

57. OPEN BAR AT YOUR WEDDING.

58. UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AS

59. YOU'RE TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE

60. COMING TOGETHER.

61. MAYBE IT WILL WORK.

62. IT'S REALLY HARD TO DO —

63. OH!

64. AND THERE'S YOUR SOMETHING

65. BORROWED.

66. LOOKS LIKE SHE'S RE-GIFTING THE

67. SHRIMP EMPANADAS.

68. CATCHING VOMIT IS EVEN LUCKIER

69. THAN THE BOUQUET.

70. I'M SURE THAT'S WHY SHE'S ALWAYS

71. A BRIDESMAID.

72. AT LEAST IT FREED UP ROOM FOR

73. SOME CAKE.

74. LOOK WHO'VE WE GOT OUR HANES ON

75. NOW.

76. MORE LIKE FRUIT OF BALLOONS.

77. ALRIGHT, LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON

78. THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

79. COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

80. I'M MORE DISGUSTED THAT HE TUCKS

81. HIS SHIRT INTO HIS UNDIES.

82. HE HAS A GROWING PROBLEM.

83. HIS TEDDY BEAR HAS SEEN

84. UNSPEAKABLE THINGS.

85. IF NOTHING ELSE, YOU HAVE TO

86. RESPECT THE DURABILITY OF THOSE

87. BVDS.

88. THAT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT

89. BEING WHITE.

90. THERE'S SO MUCH ROOM DOWN THERE

91. TO DO ALL KINDS OF FUN GAMES.

92. THAT GUY FROM UP GOT REALLY

93. WEIRD AFTER HIS WIFE DIED.

94. THAT BALLOON IS ABOUT TO COME —

95. I DIDN'T GET TO FINISH.

96. THIS NEXT VIDEO GOES BY REAL

97. FAST, SO PAY EXTRA CLOSE

98. ATTENTION AND SEE IF YOU NOTICE

99. THE REINDEER RAPING MRS. CLAUS.

100. I SAW IT.

101. I SAW IT.

102. OH, BLITZEN.

103. HE'S GONNA GUIDE HER SLEIGH

104. TONIGHT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I

105. MEAN.

106. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

107. DON'T LET THEM JOIN IN ANY

108. REINDEER GAMES.

109. GIVING HER THE OLD NORTH POLE.

110. GRANDMA JUST GOT BUTTBY

111. A REINDEER.

112. WHAT'S NEXT?

113. WHO FARTED?

114. IT'S WEIRD TO SEE SO MANY

115. SHIRTLESS BOYS SCREAMING AND

116. RUNNING WITHOUT ANDY DICK

117. AROUND.

118. LET'S SEE WHAT MADE THEM FLEE IN

119. THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

120. I'VE SAID

121. IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN,

122. TRAMPOLINES ARE DEATH MACHINES.

123. BUT THE REAL PROBLEM IS THEY ARE

124. SO FUN!

125. LISTEN TO THEM SCREAMING.

126. THAT'S HOW LAURENCE FISHBURNE

127. REACTED WHEN HE SAW HIS

128. DAUGHTER'S PORNO.

129. SORRY, MORPHEUS, THEY PUT IT IN

130. HER RABBIT HOLE.

131. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO

132. SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM?

133. HE'S KEEPING IT ELEVATED.

134. THAT SHOULD HELP.

135. YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST ICE IT FOR

136. 45 MINUTES, DAB A LITTLE

137. NEOSPORIN ON IT, THEN HOP IT

138. OFF.

139. SVEN IS UNBELIEVABLY CALM FOR

140. SOMEONE WHOSE SKELETON IS

141. EXPOSED.

142. HE'S CLEARLY IN SHOCK.

143. OR, HE'S THE TERMINATOR.

144. THANK GOD THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO

145. HIS FACE.

146. HE IS GORGEOUS.

147. AND THAT'S WHAT THE INSIDE OF

148. YOUR LEG LOOKS LIKE.

149. STILL NOT AS GROSS AS MICKEY

150. ROURKE'S FACE.

151. MAYBE HE'LL TAKE UP GOLFING NOW

152. THAT HIS FOOT TURNED INTO A 5

153. IRON.

154. TRAMPOLINE ACCIDENTS ACCOUNT FOR

155. 20% OF THE VIDEOS ON THIS SHOW.

156. SO FOR THAT, PARENTS WHO DON'T

157. LOVE THEIR CHILDREN, WE THANK

158. YOU.

159. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

160. ANGRY BLACK PREACHER'S WEB

161. REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, WHAT'S

162. THE CHINESE SYMBOL FOR BEING A

163. PUSSY?

164. OH!

165. > YOU COME IN THE NAME OF

166. SATAN.

167. I GUESS IF YOU WANT TO GO — I

168. GUESS YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE SIDE

169. OF SATAN.

170. NO.

171. WHO CREATED YOU?

172. IF THAT WASN'T A LIAR.

173. YOU KNOW I AIN'T WORRIED.

174. YOU DON'T LIKE IT, KISS MY ASS

175. YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

176. THIS IS MY HOUSE.

177. CUT HER OFF, NEXT CALLER!

178. HOY, HOLY.

179. OBAMA WENT TO THAT CHURCH?

180. NO WONDER REPUBLICANS WERE SO

181. UPSET.

182. THAT'S DON VINCENT, THE ANGRY

183. BLACK PREACHER.

184. SO THE GUY DROPS A FEW DOZEN

185. F-BOMBS DURING HIS SERMON.

186. AT LEAST YOU STAYED AWAKE.

187. CHURCHES AREN'T DOING THEIR PART

188. TO KEEP US ENTERTAINED.

189. THE MUSIC IS TERRIBLE.

190. IT'S 2010.

191. REMIX THAT HYMN AND ADD SOME

192. BASS.

193. MAYBE I'D BE MORE INTO THE BIBLE

194. IF IT WEREN'T 2,000 PAGES LONG.

195. AT LEAST HAVE A STEPHANIE MYERS'

196. VERSION WITH SOME HOT VAMPIRES

197. IN IT.

198. I THINK IT'S TIME THE CATHOLICS

199. SEXY UP THE VATICAN TOO.

200. WITH LIKE A CHISELED,

201. 25-YEAR-OLD POPE.

202. YEA, MAYBE THEN THE ALTAR BOYS

203. WILL QUIT COMPLAINING SO MUCH.

204. AND ENOUGH OF THESE MEGA

205. CHURCHES.

206. THEY'RE THE WALMARTS OF

207. CHRISTIANITY, AND THE PEOPLE

208. ARE JUST AS UGLY.

209. SUNDAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE A DAY

210. OF REST, NOT A DAY FOR FEELING

211. GUILTY.

212. I DON'T MIND GIVING THE CHURCH

213. 10% OF MY EARNINGS, BUT 50% OF

214. MY WEEKEND MORNINGS?

215. WHOA, NOT AS LONG AS THE DIRECTV

216. NFL SUNDAY TICKET IS AROUND.

217. YEAH.

218. I'LL SPEND MY SUNDAYS WORSHIPING

219. THE DOLPHINS IN FRONT MY 80-INCH

220. LCD WHILE MY MODEL GIRLFRIEND

221. SHOVELS IN SNACKS.

222. TOSH.0 IS A NON-DENOMINATIONAL

223. SHOW.

224. WE LOVE EVERYONE EQUALLY, EXCEPT

225. THE MORMONS.

226. YOUR MAGIC UNDERWEAR, HATING

227. GAYS, AND RIDING BICYCLES.

228. LISTEN, I DON'T WANT ONE

229. HORRIBLE NAGGING WIFE, LET ALONE

230. 15 OF THEM.

231. I'LL ONLY SUPPORT MORMONS IF BYU

232. IS PLAYING ALABAMA.

233. BURN IN HELL, SABAN.

234. YOU'RE AN AWFUL PERSON.

235. ANGRY BLACK PREACHER WAS JUST A

236. SHEPHERD IN SEARCH OF A FLOCK,

237. AND AS A CHRISTIAN COMIC, WHO

238. BETTER TO GUIDE ME IN TIMES OF

239. DOUBT THAN A BLACK MAN WITH A

240. MULLET?

241. THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO THE

242. HOUSE THAT TOSH.0 BUILT IN THIS

243. WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

244. HALLELUIAH!

245. HELLO, MY SON.

246. COME ON IN.

247. IT'S LOCKED BECAUSE IT'S BAD

248. NEIGHBORHOOD.

249. EVERYONE HERE HAS TAKEN A VOW OF

250. SILENCE, SO KEEP YOUR

251. MOUTH SHUT.

252. FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR THE

253. WHOLE WORLD SAYS I'M A SINNER.

254. WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

255. CALL ME THE SPIRIT TRUTH.

256. LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT THE VIDEO

257. WAS FROM.

258. WAS THAT ON A PUBLIC ACCESS

259. SHOW?

260. YES, IT WAS CALLED A ONE MAN

261. SHOW PREACHING THE SPIRIT OF

262. TRUTH WHICH IS ME.

263. WHY DID THEY TAKE YOU HAVE OF

264. PUBLIC ACCESS?

265. I RUINED THE CAMERA ONE DAY

266. AND THEY COULD NO LONGER DO MY

267. SHOW NO MORE.

268. ALL YOU SEE IS ASS CRACKING, IT

269. WAS A POWERFUL SERMON.

270. ARE YOU CELIBATE?

271. IF THERE'S A WOMAN I'LL SELL

272. A BIT.

273. WHAT KIND OF TATTOOS DO YOU

274. HAVE?

275. I HAVE THIS ONE ON MY HAND,

276. THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH.

277. ALSO I HAVE THEM ON MY FINGER

278. WHICH SAYS — ON MY MIDDLE

279. FINGER THAT SAYS REPENT.

280. WHY IS IT ON YOUR MIDDLE

281. FINGER?

282. I HAVE TO TAKE THE SIDE

283. THAT'S BAD AND.

284. IF THEY TRY TO BLUR IT OUT

285. THEY CAN'T.

286. BECAUSE I'M TELLING THEM TO

287. REPENT.

288. EXACTLY.

289. IF YOU DON'T MIND, I NEVER

290. FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING THAT.

291. YOU WON'T UNTIL YOU'VE GOT

292. THE UPPER HAND THAT

293. WILL MAKE YOU HAND.

294. SAME WITH BITCH, THE DAY I'M MAD

295. AT HER THAT WILL COME OUT OF MY

296. MOUTH.

297. WHAT ABOUT THE GAYS?

298. WELL, THE BIBLE SAYS THAT IF

299. A MAN SHOULD LIE DOWN WITH

300. ANOTHER MAN, IT'S AN

301. ABOMINATION.

302. BUT WHAT ABOUT TWO CHICKS

303. GETTING IT ON?

304. I DON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT

305. THAT.

306. THAT'S HOT.

307. LET'S BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.

308. AMEN TO THAT.

309. IF YOU COULD, WOULD YOU TURN

310. WATER INTO WINE OR ALAZAI?

311. OH, ALAZAI.

312. THANK YOU, SPIRIT TRUTH FOR

313. SHARING YOUR STORY.

314. YES.

315. I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT

316. THAT YOU HAVE A PREACHER AND YOU

317. WILL PRACTICE.

318. I'LL HAVE YOU TAKE OVER MY

319. SUNDAY SCHOOL KIDS.

320. HI, KIDS.

321. HI, DANIEL.

322. WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT FOR

323. YOU.

324. THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH IS GOING TO

325. GIVE THE LESSON.

326. HI, SPIRIT OF TRUTH.

327. WALK IN THE NAME OF JESUS AND

328. THESE YOUNG CHILDREN HAVE GOT TO

329. LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR

330. PARENTS!

331. AND JUST STICK YOURSELF, STICK

332. YOURSELF,

333. STICK YOUR.

334. I'M THROUGH WITH THESE

335. THANK YOU, SPIRIT OF TRUTH.

336. THANK YOU, SPIRIT OF TRUTH.

337. AND STICK YOUR.

338. OKAY.

339. I THINK — I THINK WE'LL HAVE —

340. WE'LL HAVE THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH

341. DROP A FEW DOLLARS INTO THE

342. SWEAR JAR BEFORE HE LEAVES.

343. SPIRIT OF TRUTH, I THINK IT WAS

344. WRONG THAT PUBLIC ACCESS TOOK

345. YOU OFF THE AIR AND MAYBE THE

346. TRADITIONAL CHURCH ISN'T WHERE

347. YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.

348. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT

349. MEANT TO PREACH.

350. THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU

351. READY TO GIVE ANOTHER SHOT?

352. DAMN SURE AM.

353. I DAMN SURE AM.

354. HAVE A SEAT.

355. NOW STAND UP!

356. STAND UP, PREACHER!

357. I WALK IN THE NAME OF JESUS AND

358. BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.

359. IF YOU DON'T LIE, GOD DON'T LIE,

360. NOT NOT TO BE DOOMED TO DIE

361. I'M

362. AND YOU WILL REPENT FOR YOUR

363. PAIN.

364. ALL YOU CRAZY.

365. SINGING A BRAND NEW SONG.

366. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

367. SAYING THAT WORD.

368. IT WILL BE GOING ON LIKE DONKEY

369. A VERY LONG SONG.

370. CAN I GET A — ROUND OF APPLAUSE

371. FOR MY — YEAH, I'M GETTING

372. BETTER.

373. GETTING MUCH BETTER.

374. TIME TO BAPTIZE SOME

375. KIRK CAMERON DIED ON THE

376. CROSS FOR THOSE JOKES.

377. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

378. "THAT TOOTH FAIRY IS A REAL

379. BITCH."

380. YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT WAS

381. A FAKE OFFICE FREAK-OUT VIDEO?

382. BECAUSE PEOPLE WEREN'T WATCHING

383. PORN ON THEIR COMPUTERS AT WORK.

384. BUT PEOPLE REALLY DO GO NUTS AT

385. WORK ALL THE TIME, LIKE THAT

386. FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHO JUMPED OUT

387. OF THE EMERGENCY DOOR.

388. HE WENT TO JAIL, WHICH I IMAGINE

389. IS THE DREAM OF EVERY MALE

390. STEWARDESS.

391. FLIGHT ATTENDANTS AREN'T THERE

392. FOR OUR SAFELY.

393. THEY'RE THERE TO JAM AS MANY OF

394. YOU FAT AS POSSIBLE INTO

395. A TIN CAN.

396. AND IT WAS A JET BLUE FLIGHT.

397. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

398. THEIR HUB IS LONG BEACH.

399. DO THEY HAVE DIRECT FLIGHTS TO

400. SAN QUENTIN CORRECTIONAL

401. FACILITY?

402. BECAUSE I ASSUME ANYONE WHO'S

403. COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO DRIVE TO

404. THE L.B.C. HAS SERVED SOME TIME.

405. I SNAP EVERY DAY AT WORK, BUT

406. THE KEY IS TO DO IT WITH CLASS,

407. AND IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T AFFECT

408. MORALE.

409. THIS SHOW IS ALL AWFUL.

410. YOU ARE ALL GONNA DIE!

411. PETER!

412. WHY WON'T THEY INVENT A WET

413. T-SHIRT GUN?

414. BECAUSE IT WOULD HURT MORE, AND

415. THEN I COULD SEE YOUR BODY.

416. GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD YOUR

417. OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR

418. VIEWER VIDEO.

419. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS LONNIE AND

420. HIS DOG JOBIE.

421. COME ON, LET'S SHOW THEM HOW

422. YOU DO IT, MAN.

423. COME ON.

424. RIGHT HERE, BOY.

425. COME HERE, RIGHT HERE.

426. SHOW THEM, COME ON.

427. I WAITED ON YOU.

428. THROW THE BALL BACK TO YOU, BOY.

429. BRING THAT BACK.

430. COME ON, BOY.

431. HE'S GOT TO DO A LITTLE

432. MEDITATING.

433. YOU KNOW A DOG AND ALL THAT,

434. THEY HAVE TO THINK A LITTLE BIT

435. AND PONDER THE SITUATION.

436. OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DOG?

437. JOBIE!

438. AIN'T THAT THE CUTEST THING I

439. EVER SEEN YOU DO.

440. BRING IT ON BACK HOME, BOY.

441. YOU'RE MAKING A — OH!

442. GET THAT OFF OF ME.

443. "AWE, JOBIE.

444. THAT'S THE NASTIEST THING I'VE

445. EVER SEEN."

446. WELL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

447. VIVA VARIETY.

448. AND IF YOU'RE KEEPING SCORE,

449. THAT'S THREE CANCELLED MICHAEL

450. IAN BLACK SHOWS, AND WE'RE NOT

451. EVEN DONE.

452. I THINK THE CLAP SIGN IS

453. BUSTED.

454. ALRIGHT, STOP.

455. GUYS, STOP. YOU'RE RUINING MY

456. 4TH ACT.

457. NEXT WEEK, THE "AMERICAN IDOL

458. GIRLS" GET A WEB REDEMPTION.

459. "AMERICAN IDOL" 2008 IS —

460. DAVID COOK.

461. I FELT THE SAME WAY WHEN

462. WALTER

463. MONDALE LOST THE ELECTION.

464. LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

465. KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG AT

466. COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.O.

467. MAKE SURE YOU COME SEE ME ON THE

468. TOSH TOUR 2010.

469. AND FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE

470. CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW

471. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I HOST A

472. BOOK BURNING EVERY TUESDAY.

473. THE PROBLEM IS, ALL THAT SMOKE

474. IS REALLY BAD FOR THE

475. ENVIRONMENT.

476. THAT'S WHY I CREATED A WAY MORE

477. EFFICIENT WAY TO RID THE WORLD

478. OF OFFENSIVE LITERATURE.

479. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY

480. FIRST BOOK BURNING.

481. TODAY, WE WILL BE BURNING 1,500

482. BOOKS.

483. READING IS COOL.

484. SO NOW THAT WE HAVE IPADS, CAN

485. WE GET RID OF LIBRARIES?

486. THOSE ARE THE PERFECT BUILDINGS

487. FOR LIKE HIGH-END LOFTS.

488. I LOVE EXPOSED BRICK.

489. LISTEN, I KNOW THAT BIT WAS NOT

490. THAT FUNNY, BUT REMEMBER, WHEN

491. SNL DOES A SKETCH THAT DOESN'T

492. WORK, IT'S STILL 51/2 MINUTES

493. LONG.

494. THAT WAS 20 SECONDS.

495. STAY TUNED FOR AN ALL NEW JON

496. STEWART —

497. AND NOW BEFORE WE GO, HERE'S

498. YOUR MOMENT OF MEN.

499. OH!

500. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

501. GOOD NIGHT.

502. DID YOU VOTE FOR OBAMA?

503. YES.

504. DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING A

505. GOOD JOB?

506. YES.

507. EXCELLENT JOB.

508. LOVE OBAMA.

509. THE SECOND GREATEST

510. ALIVE.

511. NUMBER ONE IS OF COURSE

512. TUPAC?

513. JESUS.

514. OH, MY FAULT.

515. MY FAULT.

516. WHO'S A BETTER RAPPER, BIGGIE OR

517. TUPAC?

518. I SAY BOTH OF THEM ARE VERY

519. INFLUENTIAL ON RAPPERS, I