Tosh.0 2x19

1. YOU OKAY, MAN?

2. YEAH.

3. I'M GUESSING THAT'S THE

4. SECOND-WORST ACCIDENT THAT GUY'S

5. HAD.

6. WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

7. THIS EPISODE IS DEDICATED TO THE

8. LATE BILL COSBY.

9. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DEAD NOW,

10. BILL, BUT THEY RERUN THESE

11. THINGS FOR YEARS.

12. TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, THE PETER

13. PAN GIRLS GET A WEB REDEMPTION,

14. I SHOW YOU THAT NOT EVERYTHING

15. YOU DO IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS,

16. AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT I DID

17. TO NATHAN.

18. ALL RIGHT, LET'S HEAD BACK TO

19. THAT STAIRWAY TO HELL.

20. AND REMEMBER, HE WANTS TO BE

21. TREATED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, SO

22. IT'S OKAY TO LAUGH.

23. IT'S ACTUALLY DISRESPECTFUL IF

24. YOU DON'T LAUGH.

25. I HATE WAITING FOR ELEVATORS

26. TOO.

27. GOOD THING THOSE METAL STAIRS

28. ARE SO FORGIVING.

29. LUCKILY HE DIDN'T FALL GOING UP.

30. THAT WOULD HAVE LASTED FOREVER.

31. I CAN ONLY ASSUME SOME OF HIS

32. BODY DIDN'T FEEL A THING.

33. WHAT IF IT FIXED HIM?

34. RIGHT?

35. OKAY.

36. BY THE WAY, THAT DOESN'T LOOK

37. THAT HARD.

38. IN YOUR FACE!

39. LET'S SEE WHO'S SMARTER THAN THE

40. AVERAGE BEAR.

41. PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, BEAR, BUT

42. YOU'RE STILL TRAPPED IN A ZOO.

43. SOMEONE'S GOT TOO MUCH TIME ON

44. THEIR PAWS.

45. IT'S LIKE WESLEY SNIPES

46. PRACTICING MARTIAL ARTS BEHIND

47. BARS.

48. I HEAR DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW

49. AT OHIO STATE, AFTER HE DOTS THE

50. "I," HE EATS THE "O."

51. LIFE IS FULL OF HURDLES AND IN

52. THIS NEXT VIDEO, THERE ARE

53. ACTUALLY HURDLES.

54. HE WON THE FIRST HALF OF THE

55. RACE.

56. AT LEAST HE STAYED IN HIS LANE.

57. HE CAN ALWAYS START TRAINING FOR

58. A BOBSLED TEAM.

59. THOSE ARE THE POSITIVE JOKES.

60. NOW HERE'S THE FUNNY ONE.

61. IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE THE

62. BLACK PEOPLE ARE, THEY'RE IN THE

63. FINALS.

64. WANT TO SEE WHAT 100% BABY FAT

65. LOOKS LIKE?

66. YEAH, IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIND A

67. BABYSITTER WHO HAS HER OWN

68. FORKLIFT.

69. LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE

70. CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

71. COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

72. THERE'S NO WAY 27 CENTS A DAY IS

73. FEEDING HIM.

74. HE'S THE REASON EVERYONE OVER

75. THERE IS STARVING IN THE FIRST

76. PLACE.

77. IT TAKES A VILLAGE JUST TO

78. CHANGE HIS DIAPER.

79. IT'S THE NOTORIOUS B-A-B-Y.

80. HIS MOTHER'S BREASTS PRODUCE

81. MILKSHAKES.

82. DOES GERBER HAVE PRIME RIB IN A

83. JAR?

84. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOASTED THE

85. STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN.

86. HE HAD HIS FIRST HEART ATTACK IN

87. THE WOMB.

88. WE CALL THIS KID THE

89. DESTROYER.

90. THAT'S A 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

91. RECORD!

92. NINE JOKES!

93. WHOO!

94. UH.

95. THIS NEXT VIDEO SHOWS ONLY DAD

96. SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO THROW KIDS

97. IN POOLS.

98. CANNON BOY.

99. IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL

100. SOMEONE PISSES BLOOD IN THE

101. POOL.

102. THAT'S HOW YOU UN-BAPTIZE

103. SOMEONE.

104. PLAY IT BACKWARDS, IT LOOKS LIKE

105. HE'S JUMPING INTO A SEA OF

106. DUDES.

107. HEAVEN.

108. FIVE OUT OF FIVE DENTISTS LOVE

109. WORKING ON THIS NEXT GUY.

110. I SAID YOU COULD HAVE A SIP.

111. YOU SHOULDN'T EAT SODA.

112. IT'S BAD FOR YOUR TEETH.

113. "FEED ME, SEYMOUR."

114. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, LADIES, HE'S

115. ACTUALLY A VERY GENTLE KISSER.

116. LIKE, THE PERFECT AMOUNT OF

117. MOISTURE.

118. AND YOU NEVER KNOCK TEETH.

119. YOU COULD STICK YOUR WHOLE HEAD

120. IN THERE.

121. I DON'T CARE HOW AWESOME YOUR

122. MOUTH IS.

123. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT

124. SHIRT.

125. WHAT'S NEXT?

126. YOU'RE WAY TOO DRUNK TO USE A

127. SHOTGUN.

128. LOOKS LIKE AFGHANISTAN'S

129. GOING WELL.

130. GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

131. ACTUALLY, THEY DO.

132. THEY'RE THE LEADING CAUSE OF

133. GUN-RELATED DEATHS.

134. NOW LET'S EXERCISE OUR SECOND

135. AMENDMENT RIGHTS IN THIS WEEK'S

136. BREAKDOWN.

137. CAMPING IS NOT FUN.

138. IT'S JUST SOMETHING POOR PEOPLE

139. DO FOR VACATIONS.

140. I, FOR ONE, CAN'T STOP STARING

141. AT THE MINI RIFLE IN JIMBO'S

142. SPEEDO.

143. HE'S GOT A BEER IN ONE HAND.

144. A SHOTGUN IN THE OTHER.

145. I KIND OF HOPE HE PUTS THE WRONG

146. ONE IN HIS MOUTH.

147. ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT HIS BLOOD

148. ALCOHOL LEVEL IS NICE AND

149. DANGEROUS, TIME TO HEAD INTO THE

150. WOODS AND SHOOT SOME CRITTERS.

151. MOTHER NATURE.

152. JUST TOSS THAT ANYWHERE.

153. THAT'S HOW THE GOOD OL' BOYS

154. RECYCLE.

155. YOU'RE WAY TOO DRUNK TO USE A

156. SHOTGUN.

157. THANKS, MOM.

158. WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF

159. SOCIALIST PUSSY?

160. THE BIBLE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING

161. ABOUT BEING TOO DRUNK TO USE A

162. SHOTGUN AND WE DON'T QUESTION

163. THE GOOD BOOK DOWN SOUTH.

164. ROLL TIDE!

165. WHY ARE YOU USING A KNIFE?

166. SAME REASON YOU'RE STILL

167. STANDING THERE TAPING THIS.

168. WE'RE ALL IDIOTS.

169. MAYBE HE THINKS THEY'RE ALL

170. SHARING A DREAM AND THE ONE WAY

171. TO WAKE HIS FRIENDS UP IS TO

172. KILL THEM.

173. DID YOU GUYS SEE INCEPTION YET?

174. THAT CAN'T BE THE FIRST TIME

175. JIMBO'S BEEN FACE DOWN IN A

176. DITCH WEARING PANTIES.

177. BACK OFF, BOYS.

178. HE'S MINE!

179. I'M JUST GLAD THE GUY WITH THE

180. CAMERA SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH TO

181. GET THIS ONLINE AND FOR THAT, WE

182. SAY, "GET 'ER DONE."

183. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

184. PETER PAN GIRLS WEB REDEMPTION,

185. BUT FIRST, HERE'S THE PRANK OF

186. THE WEEK.

187. HEY, DO YOU, BY CHANCE,

188. HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY OF THOSE

189. BOTTLE ROCKETS LEFT?

190. UH, YEAH.

191. ARE THEY STILL JUST UP IN THE

192. CLOSET?

193. YEAH.

194. CARE IF I BORROW ONE?

195. NO, GO FOR IT.

196. ARE YOU OKAY?

197. PETER, YOU WON'T FORGET TO

198. COME FOR ME, WILL YOU?

199. OH, PLEASE.

200. DON'T FORGET.

201. OH, MY GOD!

202. WHOA!

203. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR

204. STUNT COORDINATOR IS ALSO THE

205. JANITOR.

206. SEEING AN AWFUL HIGH SCHOOL

207. PRODUCTION OF PETER PAN MAKES ME

208. GLAD THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING

209. MONEY AWAY FROM FINE ARTS

210. PROGRAMS.

211. PLAYS WERE INVENTED THOUSANDS OF

212. YEARS AGO IN ANCIENT GREECE AND

213. NOT A SINGLE ONE HAS BEEN

214. WATCHABLE SINCE.

215. I THOUGHT THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

216. MIGHT BE OKAY, BUT IT TURNED OUT

217. TO BE JUST A BUNCH OF CHICKS

218. YAPPING ABOUT THEIR PERIODS.

219. I KNOW.

220. AND SHAKESPEARE'S THE WORST OF

221. ALL.

222. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT THOU ART

223. TALKING ABOUT.

224. HAMLET.

225. MORE LIKE "HAM."

226. PLAYS ARE LIKE AMERICAN CARS.

227. THERE'S JUST NO PLACE FOR THEM

228. IN THE MODERN WORLD.

229. THE FACT IS EVEN THE WORST MOVIE

230. IS BETTER THAN THE BEST PLAY.

231. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'D RATHER

232. SEE "DEATH OF A SALESMAN" THAN

233. "THE EXPENDABLES?"

234. PUH-LEASE.

235. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THEATER

236. ENJOYABLE?

237. SOME CGI.

238. IF I WANTED TO WATCH PEOPLE

239. DOING THINGS THAT WERE POSSIBLE,

240. I'D GO OUTSIDE.

241. MY POLICY IS I REFUSE TO WATCH

242. ANYTHING THAT HAS AN

243. INTERMISSION.

244. LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH AS SOON

245. AS POSSIBLE.

246. THEATER'S DANGEROUS TOO.

247. IT'S GIVEN JEREMY PIVEN MERCURY

248. POISONING.

249. WHICH APPARENTLY CAUSES YOUR

250. HAIRLINE TO ADVANCE.

251. LET'S LEAVE BROADWAY FOR ROSIE

252. O'DONNELL AND WHAT'S LEFT OF

253. HUGH JACKMAN'S CAREER.

254. I'LL TAKE HOLLYWOOD, WHERE

255. YOU'RE NOT A REAL ACTRESS UNTIL

256. YOU'VE GOTTEN A BOOB JOB AND

257. LOST YOUR SOUL.

258. BETH AND DORY ARE JUST TWO YOUNG

259. THESBOS WHO WANTED TO FLY

260. WITHOUT CRASHING THROUGH THAT

261. FOURTH WALL.

262. THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT 'EM FROM

263. NEVERLAND TO TINSELTOWN FOR THIS

264. WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

265. PLACES, EVERYONE!

266. THAT IS AN ENTRANCE.

267. HELLO!

268. BETH?

269. YES.

270. AND YOU ARE DORY?

271. IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME?

272. YES.

273. DORY?

274. YES.

275. JUST "DORY"?

276. MM-HMM.

277. PARENTS LIKE, "THAT'S IT.

278. WE GOT IT."

279. YEAH.

280. DORY?

281. WHAT WENT WRONG DURING THAT

282. PERFORMANCE?

283. THE CUE FOR THE FLY RIG WAS

284. SUPPOSED TO BE THE WINDOWS

285. OPENING AND SOMEONE FORGOT TO

286. CLOSE THEM.

287. SO HE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS LATE

288. AND PULLED IT TOO SOON AND THEN

289. I WENT FLYING INTO THE WALL.

290. WE RESET UP AND THEY PULLED

291. DORY'S LINE INSTEAD OF MINE, SO

292. SHE WENT FLYING ACROSS THE

293. STAGE.

294. DID IT HURT?

295. YEAH.

296. DID YOU SUE YOUR SCHOOL?

297. NO.

298. WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO.

299. HOW ARE YOU NOT ALLOWED TO?

300. 'CAUSE WE SIGNED FORMS.

301. THOSE — ANY LAWYER CAN GET

302. AROUND THOSE FORMS.

303. DID YOU AUDITION FOR THIS PLAY?

304. MM-HMM.

305. AND WHAT ROLE DID YOU PLAY?

306. PETER PAN.

307. AND YOU?

308. I WAS JANE AND I WAS A LOST

309. BOY.

310. DID YOU GET THE PART YOU

311. WANTED?

312. YES.

313. AND DID YOU GET THE PART YOU

314. WANTED?

315. MM-HMM.

316. YOU WANTED TO PLAY ONE LOST

317. BOY AND JANE?

318. I WANTED TO PLAY A LOST BOY.

319. DID THE PEOPLE IN THE

320. AUDIENCE GIVE YOU GUYS A

321. STANDING OVATION THAT NIGHT?

322. YEAH.

323. MM-HMM.

324. SEE?

325. THAT SHOWS YOU THEIR

326. EXPECTATIONS ARE SO LOW.

327. THEY WERE PROBABLY MAD THAT THEY

328. HAVE TO COME ANYWAY.

329. AT LEAST THE FATHERS ARE.

330. BUT THEN YOU START KNOCKING

331. THINGS OVER.

332. HEY, THIS GETS A LITTLE

333. WATCHABLE.

334. WHAT OTHER SCHOOL ACTIVITIES ARE

335. YOU NOT VERY GOOD AT?

336. DID YOU LIKE GOING TO NEVERLAND?

337. IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

338. I WENT THERE ONCE AS A KID.

339. WAY TOO MUCH WINE.

340. YEAH, HE WOULDN'T MAKE ME STOP

341. DRINKING.

342. MISS YOU, MICHAEL.

343. WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU.

344. I AM THINKING ABOUT PUTTING ONE,

345. POSSIBLY TWO, OF YOU IN ONE OF

346. MY ORIGINAL PLAYS, BUT I NEED TO

347. MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE UP TO THE

348. TASK.

349. THIS TOWN DOESN'T PUT JUST

350. ANYONE IN THE PICTURES.

351. SOUNDS GOOD.

352. LET'S WORK ON SOME VOCAL

353. EXERCISES.

354. MEOW.

355. MEOW.

356. OH, THIS IS GONNA BE MUCH

357. HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

358. ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE MIRROR

359. EXERCISE?

360. THIS IS ONE THAT I USE A LOT.

361. GO AHEAD.

362. STAND NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

363. WHAT'S THE MIRROR EXERCISE?

364. I LIKE THAT THERE'S A

365. THREE-SECOND DELAY ON THIS

366. MIRROR.

367. DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT ME.

368. OKAY, BEFORE I GIVE THIS HOOK TO

369. ONE OF YOU, I NEED TO HEAR EACH

370. ONE OF YOUR PIRATES.

371. GO AHEAD.

372. ARGH.

373. OKAY, THAT DECISION WAS EASY.

374. PLEASE, LET ME BORROW YOUR

375. SWORD.

376. IT'S A DANCE.

377. IF YOU CAN GET MY HAT OFF,

378. THIS ACTING LESSON IS FREE.

379. SERIOUSLY, DON'T DO IT.

380. OKAY, BE SERIOUS.

381. THIS WAS NOT AN EASY

382. DECISION.

383. I HAVE THE LIST.

384. ENOUGH!

385. THIS IS WHEN THE REAL WORK

386. BEGINS, LADIES.

387. GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

388. GENTLEMEN.

389. TOSH.0 PROUDLY PRESENTS A DANIEL

390. TOSH PRODUCTION WRITTEN AND

391. DIRECTED BY DANIEL TOSH.

392. I GIVE YOU CIRQUE DU SO GAY.

393. YOU MAY NOW PUT ON YOUR 3-D

394. GLASSES.

395. ENJOY.

396. JE NE PARLE PAS LE FRANCAIS.

397. BONJOUR.

398. VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI, CE

399. SOIR.

400. WHOA!

401. ARE YOU CLAPPING BECAUSE YOU

402. LOVED IT OR BECAUSE IT'S FINALLY

403. OVER?

404. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

405. HERE'S YOUR CATCH OF THE DAY.

406. OKAY, WE'VE GOT THE ZIP-IT

407. TOOL HERE.

408. WE'RE GONNA UNCLOG THIS DRAIN.

409. OH!

410. OH!

411. OH.

412. OH, IT SMELLS LIKE DEATH.

413. I STOPPED MORE MARRIAGES THAT

414. NIGHT THAN PROP EIGHT.

415. WE ALL KNOW EVERY COMEDIAN'S

416. DREAM IS TO GET THEIR OWN LAS

417. VEGAS SHOW, BUT THEY DON'T GIVE

418. 'EM OUT TO JUST ANYONE.

419. YOU GOT TO PAY YOUR DUES.

420. CURRENTLY, I'M IN CHARGE OF

421. MAKING SURE CARROT TOP HAS

422. PLENTY OF SUNSCREEN ON BEFORE HE

423. GOES OUTSIDE.

424. IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT GIG.

425. HE TANS SURPRISINGLY WELL FOR A

426. GINGER.

427. AND, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO APPLY

428. UNDER THE PECS.

429. IF YOU'RE GONNA WORK THAT HARD

430. TO GROW 'EM, YOU MIGHT AS WELL

431. PROTECT 'EM.

432. BY THE WAY, THAT WAS A 45-MINUTE

433. RUB.

434. HE PAID FOR A FULL HOUR.

435. GO SEE CARROT TOP INSTEAD OF O.

436. UGH.

437. IF YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOURSELF

438. RUBBING LOTION ON CARROT TOP,

439. WHICH I'M SURE YOU DO, UPLOAD IT

440. TO OUR BLOG FOR A CHANCE TO BE

441. OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

442. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS ONE OF THE

443. GREATEST MAGICIANS OF ALL TIME

444. AND I'M HAPPY TO CALL HIM MY

445. PERSONAL FRIEND.

446. GET READY TO BE AMAZED BY

447. PROFESSOR WEIRDO.

448. HEY, CAN I HAVE A BITE?

449. NO!

450. AH!

451. YOU TRICKED ME!

452. YOU THINK THAT'S A TRICK?

453. I'LL SHOW YOU A GOOD ONE.

454. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

455. WHAT'D YOU SAY?

456. YOU LOOK GREAT.

457. YOU KNOW THAT?

458. OH, REALLY?

459. YEAH.

460. OH!

461. OH, MY GOODNESS.

462. OH, MY GOD.

463. OH, WOW.

464. IT'S VERY EASY TO DO MAGIC

465. WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASSISTANT THAT

466. IS SO DISTRACTINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

467. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

468. CRANK YANKERS.

469. WELCOME BACK.

470. EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS, "HEY,

471. DANIEL.

472. WHAT DO YOU DURING THE BREAKS?"

473. AND I TELL 'EM, "TONS AND TONS

474. OF CARDIO."

475. THEN I CALL MY MOTHER AND REMIND

476. HER THAT HER OTHER SON DOESN'T

477. HAVE A TV SHOW.

478. AND THEN SHE REMINDS ME THAT

479. I'VE NEVER GIVEN HER A GRANDSON.

480. AND I SAY, "YES, I DID.

481. SHE DIDN'T KEEP IT."

482. NEXT WEEK, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW.

483. THE ANGRY BLACK PREACHER GETS A

484. WEB REDEMPTION.

485. THE DEVIL WAS A MOTHER

486. LIAR.

487. SO YOU KNOW I AIN'T WORRIED,

488. "BE-YOTCH"!

489. CAN I GET A AMEN?

490. MOTHERCRAZY LUTHERANS.

491. , THOSE BITCHES ARE

492. HE'S PROBABLY ANGRY ABOUT HIS

493. HAIR.

494. HEY, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP UP WITH

495. OUR DAILY BLOG AT

496. COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

497. MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON

498. TWITTER AND KNOW THAT EVERY WEEK

499. I MAY OR MAY NOT FOLLOW THE

500. PERSON THAT SENDS US THE BEST

501. TWEET DURING OUR LIVE CHAT.

502. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE FUNNIEST

503. TWEET OR THE MEANEST TWEET.

504. IT MEANS WHATEVER TWEET

505. I LIKE THE MOST.

506. MAKE SURE YOU COME SEE ME ON THE

507. TOSH TOUR 2010.

508. TICKETS ARE STILL AVAILABLE.

509. SHOCKING.

510. APPARENTLY ASSISN'T THE

511. DRAW THAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

512. BEFORE WE GO, IT'S TIME TO PLAY

513. A LITTLE GAME OF "WHAT DID I DO

514. TO NATHAN?"

515. I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME FOOTAGE

516. OF MY FRIEND NATHAN'S FACE AND

517. YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M

518. DOING.

519. OH!

520. OH!

521. OH!

522. MOTHER.

523. I SHOT HIM IN THE BALL BAG

524. SEVEN TIMES WITH A PELLET GUN.

525. READY?

526. OH!

527. OH!

528. OH!

529. MOTHER.

530. DO YOU SEE MY DOG WATCHING?

531. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

532. GOOD NIGHT.