Tosh.0 2x11

1. - SO THAT'S WHERE THE G-SPOT IS?

2. WELCOME TO TOSH.0,

3. THE ONLY SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL I'VE EVER DVR'D.

4. TONIGHT, THE LOOK AT THAT HORSE GUY

5. GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

6. YOU FIND OUT EVERYTHING I HATE.

7. AND I FIND OUT WHAT YOU, THE FANS,

8. ARE DOING THIS SUMMER.

9. NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THAT SEXY BOOGER-EATING PARTY.

10. ASIAN CHICKS.

11. I'M TOLD THIS IS A VERY FORMAL GREETING

12. AMONG JAPANESE SLUTS.

13. YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE

14. BUT YOU CAN'T EAT OUT YOUR FRIEND'S NOSE.

15. INTO NASAL.

16. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR LAST GIRLFRIEND DID.

17. ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TO STOP IT.

18. COMEDY CENTRAL WON'T LET US SHOW YOU THE MONEY SNOT.

19. YEAH.

20. BUT WHEN SHE FINISHES, YOU NEED TO SAYGESUNDHEIT.

21. LET'S HEAD TO HOLLAND,

22. WHERE JACK AND THE BEANSTALK IS NOW A SPORT.

23. - OH, EUROPE.

24. WAS THAT BAD OR GOOD?

25. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT SPORT WORKS.

26. OR HOW THE HELL EVERYONE ELSE

27. IS SUPPOSED TO GET ACROSS THE LAKE.

28. OH, JUST WALK AROUND? THAT'S PROBABLY SAFER.

29. ALL YOUR CRAPPY IKEA FURNITURE BREAKS TOO.

30. DO THEY NOT HAVE REAL WOOD OVER THERE?

31. I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LIVED.

32. HE ALMOST FELL 8 METERS.

33. YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I WENT METRIC.

34. I WENT METRIC.

35. NOW IT'S TIME FOR

36. THE WORLD'S MOST LAID-BACK BIKER GANG.

37. THE NEW SEASON OF SONS OF ANARCHY LOOKS BORING.

38. IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE THOUGHT OF A WAY

39. TO MAKE RIDING A MOTORCYCLE LESS SAFE.

40. AT LEAST HE'S NOT TEXTING.

41. I'LL SHOW YOU A REAL ROUGH RIDER, BITCHES.

42. YEAH.

43. THANK YOU, DMX,

44. FOR GIVING US VESPA OWNERS AN ANTHEM.

45. TALK IS CHEAP, MOTHER.

46. DON'T STOP WATCHING, BUT WE'RE GONNA SHOW

47. WOMEN'S BASKETBALL FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

48. - YOU CAN RECORD THAT, GO AHEAD.

49. - OH!

50. LIKE A YOUNG ISAIAH RIDER BETWEEN THE LEGS.

51. THIS IS WHAT THE WNBA NEEDS.

52. MEN THROWING WOMEN CLOSER TO THE BASKET.

53. OH.

54. THE MOST IMPRESSIVE PART OF THAT CLIP

55. IS SEEING A BLACK FATHER SPEND TIME WITH HIS CHILD.

56. COME ON.

57. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S RACIST.

58. I'LL BE HONEST.

59. WHEN I HEARD THERE WAS A VIDEO OF A BABY DUNKING,

60. I HAD THOUGHT IT WOULD BE OF PAUL PIERCE.

61. YEAH.

62. NOBODY IN THE BUILDING IS FALLING FOR

63. YOUR STUPID PUMP FAKES.

64. UH! UH!

65. JUST LEAN IN, HOPE YOU GET FOULED,

66. AND THEN YOU CAN ACT HURT AND MAYBE COACH PHIL

67. WILL LET YOU SIT IN HIS HIGH CHAIR

68. WHILE YOU WATCH KOBE AND HIS UNDERBITE

69. RAPE YOUR TEAM FOR $30 A NIGHT.

70. YEAH.

71. AND SHAVE YOUR FACE.

72. A THIRD-GRADE MEXICAN

73. CAN GROW A BETTER BEARD THAN YOU.

74. THAT'S BECAUSE A THIRD-GRADE MEXICAN'S 17.

75. THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

76. ALL RIGHT, OUR NEXT VIDEO SHOWS THAT FLIP-FLOPS

77. AREN'T IDIOT PROOF.

78. THAT'S WHY I'M A TEVA MAN.

79. I LIKE A QUALITY CROSS-TRAINING SANDAL

80. WITH A BACK STRAP.

81. SO CLOSE TO GETTING IT ON.

82. OH, THANKS, BUDDY.

83. IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO INDIE ROCK FOR THREE DAYS,

84. I'D WANT TO BE BLACKOUT DRUNK TOO.

85. DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE, DECEMBERISTS.

86. YOU'RE AWFUL.

87. ALL RIGHT, THE HARD PART'S OVER.

88. NOW IT'S TIME TO DRIVE HOME.

89. THIS NEXT GUY IS A TOTAL BUTTERFACE.

90. NICE HAT.

91. NOT A HAT. NOT A HAT.

92. OH. THAT LOOKS MALIGNANT.

93. LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

94. AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

95. I THINK HIS HAIR HAS CANCER.

96. NOTHING HEAD & SHOULDERS CAN'T TAKE CARE OF.

97. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE DANDRUFF.

98. EXACTLY.

99. DUCK, DUCK, UGH.

100. HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S PART BIRCH.

101. I BET HE TASTES GREAT DIPPED IN RANCH.

102. IT'S A BROCCOLI JOKE.

103. OH, 20 SECONDS IS UP SO SOON?

104. OH...

105. IT'S NOT ALL EATING CHILI AND BANGING LADIES

106. IF YOU'RE A FIREMAN.

107. - YEAH, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA PULL A FAT KID OUT OF A SWING.

108. POOR FIREMAN.

109. THINGS JUST HAVEN'T BEEN AS EXCITING SINCE 9/11.

110. YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT? OH, THAT WAS CRAZY.

111. MAYBE IT'S BEST IF THEY LEAVE THEM IN THERE FOR A WHILE

112. AND LET HIM FAST.

113. ALL RIGHT, JUST PLAY THE ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC,

114. HE'LL WIGGLE OUT.

115. LET'S TAKE A LOOK BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN.

116. - WHAT A DICK.

117. LET'S GRAB THIS VIDEO BY THE BALLS

118. AND JERK OUT THE DETAILS IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

119. AH, MOTHER RUSSIA.

120. A WONDERFUL PLACE TO GET HAMMERED ON VODKA

121. OR PICK A BARGAIN WIFE.

122. USUALLY WHEN TWO WHITE GUYS ARE FIGHTING, I TUNE OUT.

123. BUT THIS KID LOOKS PRETTY CONFIDENT

124. IN HIS SEXY BOY SHORTS.

125. SERGEI STRIKES FIRST WITH A VICIOUS RIGHT HOOK.

126. IT IS GONNA TAKE SOME SORT OF MIRACLE

127. FOR IVAN TO WIN THIS FIGHT NOW.

128. OKAY, THAT IS A SOLID TACTICAL MOVE.

129. IVAN GRABS SERGEI BY THE BABOUSHKA.

130. ALSO KNOWN AS THE RUSSIAN DRY RUB.

131. IS HE TRYING TO RIP IT OFF OR MILK IT?

132. I HOPE SARAH PALIN CAN'T SEE THIS FROM HER HOUSE.

133. OH, WHAT—

134. HIS PANTS CAME DOWN JUST LIKE KING HIPPO.

135. HE'S HOLDING ONTO HIS JUNK WITH BOTH HANDS,

136. BUT HE STILL IS REFUSING TO USE HIS MOUTH.

137. COME ON.

138. YOU'RE NOT GONNA PUNCH A GUY

139. WHEN YOUR WEENIE'S IN HIS MOUTH.

140. I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY.

141. - HE'S NOT LETTING GO, HE'S GOT IT BY THE ROOT.

142. YEAH.

143. ALSO LOOKS LIKE MANSCAPING

144. HASN'T QUITE CAUGHT ON IN MOSCOW.

145. HIS PUBES LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE STUPID HATS

146. THEY WEAR OVER THERE.

147. HEY. I'M IMPRESSED WITH HIS STAMINA.

148. I CAN'T HAVE MY PACKAGE FONDLED THAT LONG

149. WITHOUT FINISHING.

150. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

151. GIRLS THAT KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

152. AND THE SECOND-MOST VIOLENT JOB

153. I'VE EVER SEEN ENDS AT THE 1:48 MARK,

154. WHEN DAD COMES IN AND SLAPS THE WINNER.

155. NOW GO WASH YOUR HANDS, KONRAD,

156. YOUR BORSCHT IS READY.

157. BORSCHT AGAIN?

158. THANKFULLY A SPY WAS ABLE TO CAPTURE THIS FOOTAGE

159. AND FOR THAT WE SAY,

160. "WHAT A COUNTRY."

161. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A LOOK AT

162. THIS HORSE GUY'S WEB REDEMPTION.

163. BUT FIRST, IS THIS DUDE DEAD?

164. - REMEMBER THE PICTURE OF THE HORSE

165. THAT I SHOWED YOUR EARLIER?

166. WELL, HERE IT IS BLOWN UP.

167. THIS IS A BIG HORSE.

168. IF YOU ORDER NOW, YOU NOW GET THE CAMERA,

169. YOU GET THE PRINTER, 4X OPTICAL ZOOM.

170. SCHNEIDER LENS.

171. PHOTO PRINTER.

172. SD CARD.

173. LOOK AT THAT HORSE.

174. THE BUSHY TAIL, THE BIG TEETH,

175. THE HOOVES.

176. OKAY, MY PRODUCER TARA CATES JUST TOLD ME

177. THIS ISN'T A HORSE, IT'S A BUTTERFLY.

178. - OH, I BET HE IS HORRIBLE AT PICTIONARY.

179. LISTEN, EVERYONE EFFS THINGS UP

180. FROM TIME TO TIME, EXCEPT FOR ME.

181. THE TRICK TO SCREWING UP IS OWNING IT.

182. BECAUSE THE COVER-UP IS ALWAYS WORSE.

183. ALL RIGHT, NOT ALWAYS.

184. WHERE IN THE WORLD IS MATT LAUER?

185. HE MIGHT BE HAVING SEX WITH A TRANNY AS WE SPEAK.

186. I LOVE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE SCREW UP.

187. I WATCH DEAL OR NO DEAL

188. TO SEE PEOPLE MAKE LIFE-ALTERING MISTAKES.

189. JUST KEEP THE 20 GRAND.

190. THAT'S LIKE $8 MILLION

191. IN WHATEVER HELLHOLE YOU'RE FROM.

192. AND ALL OF YOU TONE-DEAF IDIOTS

193. SCREWED UP WHEN YOU VOTED LEE DEWYZE

194. OUR AMERICAN IDOL.

195. COME ON.

196. BOWERSOX HAS THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL.

197. UNFORTUNATELY, SHE ALSO HAS THE CHOMPERS

198. OF A SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER.

199. THAT IS A DOWNFALL.

200. THE ONLY PEOPLE WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

201. FOR THEIR LITTLE BLUNDERS ARE TERRORISTS.

202. WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM TERRORISTS.

203. THEY'LL COP TO THINGS THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO.

204. LOOK AT CHARLIE SHEEN.

205. HE OWNED UP TO BANGING HOOKERS, SNORTING BLOW,

206. PULLING A KNIFE ON HIS THIRD WIFE,

207. SHOOTING HIS FIANCEE, GOING TO JAIL AND REHAB,

208. MARRYING DENISE RICHARDS, BANGING MORE HOOKERS,

209. CALLING HIS SECOND WIFE THE "N" WORD,

210. AND MAJOR LEAGUE II.

211. CHARLIE SHEEN GETS IT.

212. THAT'S WHY WE'RE FINE WITH GIVING HIM

213. $2 MILLION AN EPISODE FOR THE WORST SITCOM

214. SINCE ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED WAS CANCELED.

215. ELLIOTT'S JUST A SALESMAN, NOT A PARK RANGER.

216. HIS JOB IS TO SELL OVERPRICED GARBAGE

217. TO GULLIBLE OLD PEOPLE, NOT TO IDENTIFY WILDLIFE.

218. SO I CALLED TOLL-FREE, ORDERED THAT STUPID CAMERA,

219. AND HAD ELLIOTT HAND DELIVER IT TO ME

220. IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

221. ELLIOTT. - DANIEL.

222. - THANKS FOR MEETING ME IN A FIELD.

223. - HAPPY TO BE HERE. - GOT YOU ONE OF THESE.

224. - OH, THANK YOU. - THAT'S TO CATCH HORSES.

225. - SEEMS A LITTLE SMALL.

226. - WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY STABLE.

227. - IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

228. - I BOUGHT US A COUPLE DOZEN HORSES.

229. ARE YOU READY TO RELEASE THE HORSES?

230. - LET'S DO IT.

231. - OH, AND THEY'RE OFF!

232. - WELL, IN YOUR OWN WORDS, DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED.

233. - THAT NETWORK WAS IN TROUBLE.

234. AFTER BEING AROUND FOR SEVERAL YEARS,

235. IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS SORT OF THE END.

236. AS IMPORTANT AS IT WAS TO BE A PROFESSIONAL ON THE AIR,

237. IT WAS ALSO SORT OF IMPORTANT TO ENTERTAIN OURSELVES.

238. AND, UH, THE CLIP WAS SORT OF THE BY-PRODUCT

239. OF A LOT OF BOREDOM AND A LOT OF FATIGUE.

240. - SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME

241. YOU WERE LOOKING AT A MOTH OR A BUTTERFLY.

242. - I DID KNOW.

243. - HORSE!

244. - I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR, IF YOU WANT ME TO IDENTIFY—

245. - WAS THERE A TELEPROMPTER? - THERE WAS NO TELEPROMPTER.

246. - WERE YOU TOLD THAT IT WAS A PICTURE

247. OF A BUTTERFLY, AND YOU WERE JUST LIKE,

248. "I'M JUST GONNA SAY 'HORSE'"?

249. - WELL, SEE, WHEN I PICKED IT UP AND LOOKED AT IT,

250. I DECIDED THAT IDENTIFYING IT AS A MOTH

251. WOULDN'T BE AS AMUSING AS IDENTIFYING IT

252. AS SOMETHING ELSE.

253. WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW IS THAT SOMEONE WOULD RECORD THAT,

254. TAKE THAT CLIP, AND PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.

255. - SO YOU WERE UNAWARE THAT,

256. WHILE ON THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK,

257. YOU WERE BEING FILMED.

258. - PEOPLE THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

259. BETWEEN A HORSE AND A MOTH.

260. - WELL, HERE'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

261. I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THAT IT WAS INTENTIONAL.

262. I BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE STARING,

263. AND THAT IT WAS JUST A PERIPHERAL GLANCE

264. AND THAT I ASSUMED THAT THERE WAS PROBABLY

265. A TELEPROMPTER THAT SAID

266. YOU WERE LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF A HORSE.

267. SO TO ME, IT WAS NEVER A SHOT AT,

268. "OH, THIS HOST OF THE SHOW IS DUMB."

269. IT'S JUST THAT, OH, THEY WROTE IN THE WRONG THING

270. IN THE PROMPTER AND HE DIDN'T REALLY LOOK AT IT.

271. AND HE'S STILL SELLING THIS HORSE—IT'S A MOTH.

272. I THINK THAT'S WHERE MOST PEOPLE ARE COMING FROM.

273. - I APPRECIATE THAT.

274. BUT IF YOU READ SOME OF THE COMMENTS ON YOUTUBE,

275. YOU'D SEE THAT THERE IS A DARKER—

276. - AGAIN, I FEEL YOU WENT THE WRONG WAY WITH THIS.

277. MINUS THE SILLY COMMENTS

278. AND PEOPLE WRITING HURTFUL THINGS,

279. I DON'T THINK ANYONE TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A STUPID—

280. - I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

281. IF PEOPLE LIKE IT BETTER TO THINK THAT

282. I GENUINELY SCREWED UP,

283. THEN I'M HAPPY FOR THAT TO BE THE ANS—SO LET'S START OVER.

284. I GENUINELY THOUGHT IT WAS A HORSE.

285. - WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE PITCHMAN?

286. - I LIKE THE GUY FROM THE SHAMWOW COMMERCIAL.

287. - WHY DO YOU THINK HE BEAT THAT HOOKER UP?

288. - IT'S HARD TO KNOW. I MEAN—

289. - MAYBE HE WAS HAGGLING.

290. - HE WAS PRO— RIGHT.

291. - SALESPEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET THE LOWEST PRICE.

292. HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS VIDEO WILL HAUNT YOU?

293. - PROBABLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

294. - THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

295. - ARE YOU NERVOUS? - NOT AT ALL.

296. - WOW, BECAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT,

297. I HAVE HORSES IN MY STOMACH.

298. YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BUTTERFLY AND A HORSE.

299. BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE IT TO EVERYBODY.

300. THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU READY

301. TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? - I'M READY.

302. - I'M GONNA LET YOU KNOW I'M GONNA THROW

303. A FEW SURPRISES AT YOU. - OKAY.

304. - GET OUT THERE AND GET 'EM! - LET'S DO IT.

305. - COME ON. HYAH! - THIS IS A BIG HORSE.

306. LOOK AT THAT—

307. HORSE.

308. THE BUSHY TAIL, THE BIG TEETH.

309. MY PRODUCER TARA CATES JUST TOLD ME

310. THIS ISN'T A HORSE, IT'S A—

311. BUTTERFLY.

312. SO I JUST CLICK "PRINT"

313. AND WE'LL PRINT THAT OUT.

314. NOW WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR THAT TO PRINT,

315. LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

316. YOU REMEMBER THAT PICTURE OF THE HORSE

317. I SHOWED YOU EARLIER?

318. WELL, HERE IT IS BLOWN UP.

319. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS HORSE.

320. - THIS HORSE SEEMS A LITTLE WHITE TRASHY.

321. - YOU THINK THAT'S IMPRESSIVE,

322. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS HORSE.

323. - GOD, THAT IS AN UGLY HORSE. SHE IS HARD TO LOOK AT.

324. - HERE'S ANOTHER PICTURE OF...

325. SOME DUDES PLAYING HORSE.

326. AND THERE'S THIS PICTURE OF SOME...

327. WHORES.

328. - OH, THEY'RE WHORES.

329. - ANOTHER PICTURE, VERY IMPRESSIVE.

330. - IT'S A GREAT CAMERA. - GREAT CAMERA.

331. - TAKE A LOOK AT THESE... CELEBRITY WHORES.

332. - GREAT CAMERA.

333. - GOOD RESOLUTION.

334. AND FINALLY,

335. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS HORSE.

336. - I'M ON A BUTTERFLY.

337. THAT GUY STILL SAYS HE MADE THAT MISTAKE ON PURPOSE

338. AND HE EVEN SENT ME SOME MORE VIDEOS OF HIM

339. "INTENTIONALLY" SCREWING UP TO PROVE IT.

340. I SAY HE'S FULL OF IT, BUT GO TO OUR BLOG,

341. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK.

342. OH, AND STOP WRITING MEAN COMMENTS ON HIS YOUTUBE PAGE.

343. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

344. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT NOW,

345. IT'S TIME FOR THE FLIP VIDEO FLIP OF THE WEEK

346. ON A FLIP.

347. - OH!

348. - THE FLIP OF THE WEEK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FLIP VIDEO.

349. - I HATE WHEN GUYS WEAR SKINNY JEANS.

350. I HATE WHEN YOU GO BUY A MOVIE LIKE I DID—

351. I GOT SORORITY ROW—

352. AND THEN THEY HAVE IT IN THIS STUPID-ASS COVER.

353. I REALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE GET INTO A FIGHT,

354. AND THEY START CLAPPING THEIR HANDS LIKE THIS.

355. I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING,

356. AND BITCHES DON'T USE A TURN SIGNAL.

357. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GIVE ME A CARD FOR MY BIRTHDAY

358. THAT SINGS TO ME.

359. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT CUTE.

360. I HATE BIRDS.

361. I HATE WHEN I'M ON CHATROULETTE

362. AND I'M TRYING TO CONNECT WITH SOMEBODY,

363. AND ALL I SEE IS PENIS.

364. - SOMETHING TELLS ME HE DOESN'T HATE ALL THE GUYS

365. ON CHATROULETTE.

366. THAT WAS AN "I HATE" VIDEO.

367. SADLY, THEY'RE STARTING TO BECOME REALLY POPULAR.

368. SO I WAS FORCED TO MAKE MY OWN.

369. I HATE GUYS WHO CALL ME "CHIEF."

370. I HATE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND SLEEPS WITH A MOUTH GUARD.

371. I HATE MY GIRLFRIEND.

372. I HATE PEOPLE THAT BREATHE HEAVILY.

373. I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING. THAT IS NOT GOOD.

374. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TAPE THINGS TO WALLS.

375. IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PROPERLY FRAME IT,

376. THEN IT'S PROBABLY NOT WALL WORTHY.

377. I ALSO HATE WHEN FAT PEOPLE DON'T WALK ON AN ESCALATOR.

378. I HATE WHEN MY STRAIGHT FRIENDS WON'T LOOK AT MY.

379. I HATE WHEN HOMELESS PEOPLE TRY TO SHAKE MY HAND

380. AFTER I GIVE THEM MONEY.

381. I HATE LARGE NIPPLES. AND SMALL NIPPLES.

382. I HATE HANDICAPPED PARKING SPOTS.

383. WHY DO YOU GET TO PARK SO CLOSE?

384. I HATE FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM OF YOGURT.

385. MIX THAT UP.

386. I HATE THAT PEOPLE PRETEND PAMELA ANDERSON

387. IS STILL HOT.

388. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN I AM.

389. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE YOUNGER.

390. I HATE WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I DON'T WATCH 30 ROCK,

391. AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOODNESS, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

392. IT'S THE BEST SHOW EVER."

393. I HATE THE GUY WHO SNEAKS A BEACH BALL INTO THE CONCERT.

394. REALLY? A BEACH BALL?

395. OH, GOOD CALL,

396. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE HOLD THEIR EARS

397. WHEN AN AMBULANCE GOES BY.

398. IT'S A SIREN. DEAL WITH IT, YOU PUSSY.

399. I HATE THAT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE SHOW

400. ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE MADE OUT OF CAKE.

401. IT'S CAKE.

402. I HATE THAT PEOPLE LAUGH SOMETIMES

403. WHEN I TELL THEM HOW GOOD-LOOKING I THINK I AM.

404. I HATE WHEN THERE ARE NUTS IN MY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

405. YOU DON'T NEED TO HEALTHY UP MY DESSERT.

406. I HATE MARTIN LAWRENCE.

407. I HATE THAT GAY MEN ARE THE ONLY ONES

408. THAT ARE ALLOWED TO WAVE WITH TWO HANDS.

409. IT'S FUN.

410. I HATE MY FANS.

411. OH, HO HO HO.

412. N-NO, NOT YOU GUYS.

413. THE OTHER 15 PEOPLE.

414. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF MAKING THAT,

415. AND, BY THE WAY, IT'S A LOT, LOT LONGER.

416. SO GO TO OUR BLOG AND SEE IF YOU MADE THE LIST

417. OF THINGS I HATE.

418. IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU HATE ABOUT MY SHOW,

419. WHICH IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY,

420. MAKE A VIDEO OF IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

421. NO... SEND IT TO US.

422. THIS WEEK'S VIEWER VIDEO COMES TO US

423. FROM OLDE ENGLISH COMEDY.

424. - HELLO?

425. HELLO?

426. AH,

427. HELLO?

428. HELLO?

429. HELLO?

430. HELLO?

431. HELLO?

432. HELLO?

433. HELLO?

434. HELLO?

435. HELLO?

436. HELLO?

437. HELLO?

438. HELLO?

439. - YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HIS VOICE MAIL

440. WOULD HAVE PICKED UP BY NOW.

441. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF THE HOLLOW MEN.

442. - WELCOME BACK.

443. I WAS SURFING THE NET THE OTHER DAY.

444. WHAT?

445. AND I HAD THIS POP-UP FOR THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND.

446. WELL, THE LACK OF SCHOLARSHIPS FOR THESE KIDS IS AWFUL.

447. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S REALLY TERRIBLE.

448. THEY'RE MAKING ME SAY THE WORD "NEGRO."

449. JUST FOR WANTING TO HELP SOME KIDS INTO COLLEGE.

450. I'M VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

451. IT'S 2010.

452. THAT'S WHY I'M STARTING A PETITION ONLINE

453. TO GET THEM TO CHANGE THE WORD.

454. IT'S A SAD DAY IN AMERICA

455. WHEN I HAVE TO LEAD THIS CRUSADE,

456. BUT APPARENTLY, JESSE JACKSON AND AL SHARPTON

457. ARE ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL ON THIS WHOLE "NEGRO" THING.

458. SO GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0

459. AND SIGN UP.

460. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE NOT BEING RACIST,

461. KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG.

462. AND CHECK OUT THE TOSH TOUR TWENTY TEN.

463. AND MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER

464. SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

465. NEXT WEEK, WE GO DEEP, DEEP INSIDE

466. WHAT WHAT IN THE BUTT?

467. - SPEAKING OF ANAL...

468. IT'S TIME FOR THE TWITTER QUESTION OF THE WEEK.

469. I ASKED YOU GUYS WHAT YOUR PLANS WERE FOR THE SUMMER.

470. "COME TO MY SWEET SIXTEEN!"

471. HA HA HA! WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

472. OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE THERE.

473. AH. I'LL BRING THE CONDOMS!

474. THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.

475. THAT JUST MEANS JON STEWART MAKES YOU LAUGH,

476. AND I MAKE YOU ROCK HARD.

477. THAT'S ONE SOLUTION.

478. WELL, IF YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, DIZZY,

479. THAT WOULD BE 682 DUMPS.

480. PARTICIPATION MAY VARY.

481. WELL, IF I WERE TO GUESS WHAT BOOK YOU'RE READING,

482. IT'D BE YOU, BY DAN BROWN.

483. KRAKN SAID,

484. "I WATCHED LOPEZ TONIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME,

485. SO I WON'T BE DOING THAT."

486. I TELL YOU WHO WATCHES LOPEZ A HOOKER.

487. THAT GUY SLEEPS WITH HOOKERS.

488. NOW I KNOW WHY YOU WANTED YOUR WIFE'S KIDNEY SO BAD.

489. SO YOU COULD KEEP HOOKERS.

490. SOUNDS LIKE EVERYONE'S GONNA HAVE A GREAT SUMMER.

491. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.

492. - DO YOU HAVE HORSES IN YOUR BACKYARD

493. THAT WON'T GO AWAY?

494. DO YOU WANT A HUMANITARIAN SOLUTION,

495. BUT THERE ISN'T ONE OUT THERE?

496. THEN THE HORSE NET IS FOR YOU.

497. IT'S MADE OF THE FINEST FABRICS

498. THAT ARE SAFE FOR HORSES,

499. BUT ALSO EASILY WASHABLE.

500. WITH THE LARGE OPENING, YOU'RE ABLE TO GET IT AROUND

501. ANY SIZE HORSE THAT YOU MAY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.

502. AND WITH THE BEAUTIFUL BAMBOO HANDLE,

503. IT NOT ONLY MAKES A STATEMENT IN YOUR HOME,

504. BUT IS COMFORTABLE TO HOLD.

505. IT'S AVAILABLE

506. ON FIVE EASY PAYMENTS OF $199,

507. AND WE CAN HAVE IT OUT TO YOU NOW.

508. BUT YOU GOTTA CALL TO GET YOUR HORSE NET TODAY.