Tosh.0 2x1

1. - WELCOME...

2. TO THE SEASON PREMIERE

3. OF TOSH.0.

4. OKAY, LAST SEASON WAS ALL ABOUT CARDIGANS,

5. BUT THAT IS SO 2009.

6. IT IS A NEW DECADE NOW,

7. AND EVERYONE IS DYING TO KNOW WHAT I'LL BE WEARING

8. FOR THE FIRST HALF OF SEASON TWO.

9. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

10. IT'S CASUAL JACKETS!

11. OH, MAN.

12. TONIGHT WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.

13. DAVID AFTER DENTIST GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

14. YEAH.

15. I BREAK A WORLD RECORD.

16. AND MAKE SURE YOU STAY TUNED ALL THE WAY TO THE END,

17. BECAUSE WE'RE GOING 3-D AVATAR STYLE.

18. ALL RIGHT, FOR THE RECORD

19. I DON'T MISS WEARING CARDIGANS AT ALL.

20. I DECIDED TO TAKE THE UGLIEST CARDIGAN I WORE

21. FROM LAST SEASON AND PUT IT ON EBAY

22. TO SEE HOW MUCH MY CELEBRITY WAS WORTH.

23. ALL RIGHT, THE CARDIGAN ORIGINALLY COST $189,

24. WHICH IS KNOW IS RIDICULOUS.

25. WELCOME TO L.A.

26. SOME MORON BOUGHT IT FOR $523,

27. WHICH MEANS MY CELEBRITY IS WORTH $334.

28. THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYTHING I TOUCH

29. BECOMES $334 MORE VALUABLE.

30. I'M LIKE KING MIDAS.

31. LADIES?

32. BLOOP.

33. MY HOUSE IS NOW WORTH 334 MORE DOLLARS.

34. THAT IS NOT EASY TO DO IN A DOWN MARKET.

35. I DON'T NEED THE MONEY EITHER,

36. AS EVIDENCED BY MY CASUAL JACKETS.

37. THAT IS WHY I DONATED ALL THE PROCEEDS

38. FROM THE CARDIGAN TO AIDS.

39. YEAH, I WROTE A CHECK FOR $523 TO MAGIC JOHNSON.

40. YOU'RE WELCOME.

41. GET WELL SOON.

42. ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE THAT WEIRD BUDDHIST DANCER AGAIN.

43. TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC, JERK.

44. AREN'T ALL THE WALLS MADE OF PAPER IN YOUR COUNTRY ANYWAY?

45. IS THAT THAT SHOW HEROES?

46. I HEAR IT'S GOOD, BUT THAT HAYDEN PANETTIERE CHICK

47. IS JUST SO—I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE HER.

48. SHE'S NOT HOT.

49. LIKE, HER TORSO'S NOT LONG ENOUGH.

50. I FIND HER ODD.

51. SHE MAKES MY PENIS GO, "EH."

52. ALL RIGHT, LET'S KEEP IT MOVING.

53. - EVERYONE, WELCOME TO THE CHANNING SHOW.

54. I'M GONNA BE DOING A STUFFED ANIMAL DOG SHOW.

55. - GUESS WHO'S AN ONLY CHILD.

56. - I'M GONNA BE IN FRONT OF THIS CLOSET.

57. OKAY, AND THEN—

58. OH!

59. YOU JUST GOT BITCH SLAPPED BY NARNIA.

60. MAYBE THAT'S WHY EDDIE MURPHY WON'T COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

61. HE'S AFRAID THE DOOR WILL HIT HIM.

62. I ACTUALLY OWN THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF THIS VIDEO.

63. IT'S A LITTLE BIT LONGER, A LITTLE MORE REVEALING.

64. - OKAY, AND THEN— OH!

65. - I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS.

66. TELL CHRIS HANSEN WE'LL BE IN THE VAN.

67. EVERYONE WHO HAS A MOUSTACHE IS NOT A PEDOPHILE.

68. BUT EVERY PEDOPHILE HAS A MOUSTACHE.

69. FACT.

70. I READ THAT ON A SNAPPLE.

71. ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S NEXT?

72. MOTORCYCLE CLIP. YES.

73. YEAH, IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T ONE OF THOSE GATES

74. THAT OPENS WHEN YOU GET CLOSE TO IT.

75. NOW PUT A SHIRT ON, YOU TOOL.

76. HE'S WALKING AROUND GOING,

77. "DOC, I DIDN'T HIT 88 MILES AN HOUR QUICK ENOUGH."

78. I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME

79. WHEN BACK TO THE FUTURE JOKES

80. WERE NOT SO HORRIBLE.

81. OH.

82. DURING OUR TIME OFF,

83. THE NEXT CLIP BECAME A HUGE VIRAL VIDEO.

84. - TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, GAH!

85. TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, GAH!

86. - THAT PUSSY IS TOO YOUNG TO TICKLE.

87. THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN THE CUTEST KITTY IN THE WORLD

88. IS ANY DOG.

89. SURE IS NICE OF THAT KITTEN TO MAKE THAT WOMAN FEEL

90. LESS LONELY AND CHILDLESS FOR A FEW SECONDS.

91. IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY,

92. THAT WAS THE LAST WOMAN IN THE COUNTRY WATCHING OUR SHOW

93. CHANGING THE CHANNEL.

94. SERIOUSLY, IS THAT ALL IT TAKES

95. TO GET A MILLION HITS?

96. I'M IN.

97. - TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, GAH!

98. TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, GAH!

99. TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE, GAH!

100. - OH.

101. HE GOT IT ON THE FIRST TAKE, BUT I MADE HIM DO 13 MORE

102. BECAUSE IT FELT SO GOOD.

103. I KNOW, A LITTLE GAY.

104. HOPEFULLY THE PIC OF THE WEEK IS A LITTLE SEXY.

105. YES.

106. OH, SORRY.

107. IT TOOK A WHILE FOR THAT PICTURE TO PROCESS.

108. YOU COULD GET TO SECOND BASE JUST BY GIVING HER A HUG.

109. LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN POST

110. IN 20 SECONDS.

111. WILL YOU RUB LOTION ON MY BACK?

112. I DON'T WANT MY TITS TO BURN.

113. MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS,

114. MY DISGUSTING LADY LUMPS.

115. SHE'S ALMOST UGLY ENOUGH FOR TIGER WOODS TO BANG.

116. LET'S NOT IGNORE THE FACT

117. SHE'S WEARING HER JEANS WAY TOO HIGH.

118. I'M SURPRISED THAT SHE'S WITH A WHITE GUY.

119. YOU SHOULD SEE THE ASS ON HER VAGINA.

120. OKAY. ARE YOU LIKE ME?

121. DO YOU WONDER WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU INJECT YOUR PENIS

122. WITH SILICONE EVERY DAY FOR SIX YEARS?

123. I KNOW THIS IS BLURRED OUT

124. AND YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING AT HOME,

125. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE FLOATING

126. OVER A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME.

127. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS GUY'S UNBLURRED JUNK—

128. AND TRUST ME, YOU DO—

129. I'LL TELL YOU HOW TO FIND IT LATER.

130. ALL RIGHT, CAN WE PLEASE CLASS THIS SHOW UP?

131. WITH A LITTLE GIRL-ON-GIRL VIOLENCE.

132. - TURN YOUR— TURN YOUR HEAD!

133. - WEIRD, I THOUGHT GIRLS SETTLED THEIR ARGUMENTS

134. BY PILLOW FIGHTING.

135. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CAT FIGHT

136. SCRATCH BY SCRATCH IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

137. IT STARTS OUT LIKE ANYTHING WITH A GIRL,

138. WITH A LOT OF TALKING.

139. SMART MONEY'S ON BLUE.

140. SHE LOOKS LIKE ANY SECOND BASEMAN FOR A SOFTBALL TEAM.

141. AND YOU GOT TO GIVE HER PROPS FOR FIGHTING UP A WEIGHT CLASS.

142. FINALLY, JUST GOT REAL.

143. BABY BLUE WASTES NO TIME

144. AND STARTS OFF WITH A BIG PUSH.

145. THAT'S MY FAVORITE MOVE.

146. NOTICE THERE IS ZERO PRECISION OR CONTROL,

147. AS WITH ANY GIRL FIGHT.

148. OKAY, OUT OF NOWHERE

149. COURTNEY APPLIES A REAR NAKED CHOKEHOLD.

150. SURPRISE! SHE'S A SUBMISSION FIGHTER.

151. YOU GOT TO ADMIRE PROPER TECHNIQUE.

152. HOW IN THE WORLD DID SHE LEARN TO PULL OFF THAT MOVE?

153. IS SHE MANAGED BY BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN?

154. AT THIS POINT, BABY BLUE REALIZED

155. THINGS MIGHT NOT GO AS WELL AS SHE HAD HOPED.

156. - TURN YOUR HEAD!

157. - OH, LIGHTS OUT.

158. SHE JUST GOT DROPPED FACE FIRST

159. ON THE TETHERBALL COURT.

160. LET ME SEE THAT AGAIN.

161. CHANGE HER FACEBOOK STATUS TO WOOZY,

162. BECAUSE SHE JUST GOT CHOKED THE OUT.

163. NICE WIN, COURTNEY.

164. I'M JUST GLAD SOMEONE PUT THIS ON THE INTERNET

165. BEFORE DON KING MADE IT A PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT.

166. AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

167. UP NEXT, DAVID AFTER DENTIST

168. GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.

169. - IS THIS REAL LIFE?

170. - YEAH, THIS IS REAL LIFE.

171. STAY IN YOUR SEAT.

172. IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER?

173. - IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER? I DON'T KNOW.

174. SEEMS LIKE ANDY DICK'S MADE A CAREER OUT OF IT.

175. MOST PEOPLE HATE THE DENTIST. I GET IT.

176. IT'S TOUGH TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT

177. FOR ALMOST CERTAIN PAIN.

178. IT'S LIKE MAKING AN APPOINTMENT TO GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

179. BUT IF YOU'D QUIT COMPLAINING AND TAKE TWO MINUTES

180. OUT OF YOUR DAY TO PROPERLY CARE FOR YOUR TEETH,

181. THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE POWER TOOLS

182. TO SCRAPE THROUGH THAT THICK COAT OF PLAQUE.

183. MY ONLY COMPLAINT IS THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY OPTIONS.

184. DO YOU NEED WHITENING? EXTRA WHITENING?

185. TARTAR CONTROL? BAKING SODA?

186. PEROXIDE?

187. THE ONLY THING THAT I'M SURE I DON'T WANT

188. IS TOM'S OF GOD DAMN MAINE TOOTHPASTE.

189. WHAT IS THAT?

190. GRANOLA AND TREE BARK?

191. HAVE YOU EVER MET A HIPPIE WITH BEAUTIFUL TEETH

192. AND FRESH BREATH?

193. EXACTLY.

194. DENTISTS ARE A NECESSARY EVIL,

195. OR AT LEAST THEY SHOULD BE.

196. RIGHT, JEWEL?

197. YOU SHOULD BE GLAD IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO GO TO THE DENTIST.

198. COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING TO THE DENTIST

199. IS LIKE COMPLAINING THAT YOUR DRINKING WATER IS TOO CLEAN

200. OR THAT YOU'RE TOO WELL-EDUCATED.

201. IT'S OFFENSIVE TO ALASKANS.

202. THAT'S TODD PALIN.

203. I JUST FINISHED COLORING YOUR WIFE'S BOOK.

204. WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT THE DENTIST?

205. YOU GET TO READ BACK ISSUES OF READER'S DIGEST FROM '97.

206. THERE'S ABOUT AN 8% CHANCE OF HAVING A HOT HYGIENIST.

207. EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE FEBREZE AND FLUORIDE.

208. YOU GET TO LISTEN TO MICHAEL BOLTON

209. WHILE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN STICKS HIS FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH

210. AND TRIES TO HAVE A POINTLESS CONVERSATION

211. ABOUT HOW OFTEN I FLOSS.

212. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW I'M NOT FLOSSING.

213. AND WHEN IT'S ALL DONE, YOU GET HOOKED UP

214. WITH A SWAG BAG THAT COULD SAVE YOU

215. ALMOST $4 ON TOOTHBRUSHES A YEAR.

216. DAVID AFTER DENTIST WAS A TROOPER.

217. HE JUST ASKED THE NORMAL QUESTION ONE ASKED

218. WHEN THEY'RE TRIPPING THEIR BALLS OFF.

219. SO THAT'S WHY FOUR OUT OF FIVE PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW

220. THOUGHT WE SHOULD FLY HIM OUT TO L.A.

221. AND MAKE HIM SAY AAH...

222. NA-NA, NA-NA

223. IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

224. HOW ARE YOU?

225. - GOOD.

226. - IT'S NEVER GOOD WHEN THE DENTIST DOES THIS.

227. ALL RIGHT, KID, OPEN UP.

228. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOUR TEETH?

229. - I HAD ONE IN MY GUMS.

230. AND THEY HAD TO TAKE IT OUT BECAUSE IT WAS GOING UP

231. TO MY NOSE, TOWARDS MY NOSE.

232. - YOU WOULDN'T WANT A TOOTH OUT OF YOUR NOSE?

233. - NO, BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE TO EAT WITH MY NOSE.

234. - WHO POSTED THE VIDEO ONLINE?

235. - I DID.

236. - AND HOW FAST BEFORE IT BECAME VERY POPULAR?

237. - THE TUESDAY A FEW DAYS AFTER WE POSTED IT

238. WE HAD 3 MILLION VIEWS.

239. - THAT'S CRAZY.

240. IF ONLY I COULD FIGURE A WAY TO GET POPULAR

241. IN THREE DAYS.

242. DO YOU THINK YOU'LL FILM HIM GETTING HIGH

243. AS A TEENAGER?

244. - I BETTER NOT HAVE TO.

245. - BUT IF YOU DID, EH,

246. MIGHT BE A PRETTY GOOD CHECK COMING YOUR WAY.

247. WHY DO YOU THINK THE VIDEO BECAME SO POPULAR?

248. - BECAUSE I'M HANDSOME.

249. - BECAUSE YOU'RE HANDSOME.

250. THAT'S WHY? DID PARENTS GET MAD AT YOU?

251. WAS THERE ANY NEGATIVE FEEDBACK?

252. - A REPORTER FOR THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES,

253. SHE JUST WROTE A SCATHING EDITORIAL

254. AND JUST RAKED ME OVER THE COALS.

255. - WELL, AT LEAST NOBODY READS NEWSPAPERS ANYMORE.

256. THEY DON'T.

257. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE FACT

258. THAT PEOPLE SAID THAT YOU WERE EXPLOITING DAVID?

259. - WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE SITUATION

260. THAT DAVID HASN'T BEEN COMFORTABLE WITH.

261. SO I DON'T AGREE WITH THE PREMISE

262. THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING BAD TO BEGIN WITH.

263. - WHEN YOU GET OLDER, DO YOU THINK YOU'LL TELL GIRLS

264. THAT YOU'RE DAVID AFTER DENTIST?

265. NO? WHY NOT?

266. - I'LL GET SLAPPED IN THE FACE.

267. - NO, YOU WON'T. TRUST ME.

268. YOU GOT TO DO WHATEVER YOU CAN DO TO GET IN THE FRONT DOOR.

269. I HAVE MY REEL RUNNING ON A LOOP AT MY HOUSE.

270. "OH, LOOK AT THAT.

271. THAT WAS ME ON LETTERMAN IN 2001."

272. DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GIVE YOUR DAD SOME GAS?

273. HERE, RELAX FOR A LITTLE BIT.

274. PUT THAT ON FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THREE OR FOUR MINUTES.

275. GO TO SLEEP.

276. ALL RIGHT, DAVID, YOUR DAD EMBARRASSED YOU ONLINE.

277. NOW IT'S TIME FOR HIS PAYBACK.

278. THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

279. ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?

280. - YEAH. - YES.

281. HERE YOU GO.

282. LET ME GET YOUR MARKER.

283. WATCH THIS.

284. I FEEL FUNNY.

285. - I FEEL FUNNY.

286. IS THIS REAL LIFE?

287. IS THIS REAL LIFE?

288. IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER?

289. IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER?

290. - AAH!

291. - ALL RIGHT, THIS GAS IS GONNA WEAR OFF IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

292. WE GOT TO GET GOING BEFORE HE WAKES UP.

293. - YES. - ALL RIGHT.

294. COME ON, DAVID, HELP ME.

295. LET'S GET HIM IN THE BALLOON.

296. OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

297. WE ARE GONNA SELL SO MANY T-SHIRTS.

298. BYE, DAD.

299. BYE.

300. OH, HE'S COMING BACK DOWN.

301. OH, NOW HE'S GOING UP.

302. OH, WATCH 'ER GO.

303. I'M GONNA MISS HIM.

304. HE WAS LIKE A REAL FATHER TO ME TOO.

305. - JIMMY PARDO HERE IN BEAUTIFUL SUNNY SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

306. WHERE THE YOUNG MAN KNOWN AS DAVID AFTER DENTIST

307. HAS JUST PUT HIS FATHER IN A MYLAR BALLOON.

308. THE IRONY IS PALPABLE.

309. DAVID, ANY THOUGHTS?

310. - IS THIS GONNA BE FOREVER?

311. - DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

312. - OH.

313. GOOD SHOT.

314. LET'S GET LUNCH.

315. - HOT SANDWICH?

316. - TURNS OUT YOU CAN GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE

317. FOR LAUNCHING A HUGE BALLOON NEAR A MAJOR AIRPORT.

318. YOU WIN AGAIN, AL-QAEDA.

319. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY FUN IN OUR COUNTRY.

320. ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FLIP OF THE WEEK.

321. - WHOO.

322. - IT'S GOOD. - OHH-OOH!

323. - YEAH, YOU BETTER CLAP AT THAT.

324. THAT IS A WORLD RECORD.

325. THAT WAS SIX BALLS. PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

326. BUT I'M GONNA TRY TO DO EIGHT

327. IN A NEW SEGMENT CALLED...

328. I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

329. NA-NA NA-NA BOO-BOO. STICK YOUR HEAD IN DOO-DOO.

330. THAT IS A VERY EXPENSIVE RECORD TO BEAT.

331. UNLESS YOU'RE LIKE ME AND CURRENTLY BANGING

332. A YOGA INSTRUCTOR.

333. NOW, IF YOU'VE EVER BROKEN A RECORD

334. THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT, JUST SEND ME THE VIDEO

335. AND I'LL BEAT IT.

336. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING I'M CONFIDENT ABOUT,

337. IS THAT I CAN BEAT ANY OF YOU AT ANYTHING.

338. LAST SEASON, I DID A SEGMENT

339. THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED SOMEONE TO SUE THIS SHOW,

340. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I'M DOING IT AGAIN.

341. IT'S TIME TO PLAY...

342. Daniel and audience: IS IT RACIST?

343. - YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I SHOW A CLIP

344. AND DECIDE IF IT'S RACIST.

345. TODAY'S VIDEO IS FROM THE NATIONAL SPELLING BEE.

346. - NEGUS.

347. - NEGUS.

348. WHAT IS THE LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN?

349. - ETHIOPIAN TO AMHARIC.

350. - NEGUS.

351. IT'S AN ACTUAL ETHIOPIAN WORD,

352. SO I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S RACIST YET.

353. BUT IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP

354. THAT THE KID IS FROM THE DIRTY SOUTH.

355. LET'S KEEP GOING.

356. - ANDREW, COULD YOU SAY THE WORD LOUDLY

357. FOR THE JUDGES?

358. - NEGUS.

359. - ONE MORE TIME.

360. - NEGUS.

361. - OKAY, THE REPETITION IS DEFINITELY MAKING IT WORSE.

362. BUT YOU CAN'T DECIDE IF IT'S RACIST

363. UNTIL THE FINAL JUDGE GETS THROUGH WITH HIM.

364. HI, ANDREW.

365. COULD YOU PLEASE SAY THE WORD AGAIN?

366. - NEGUS.

367. - I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

368. SPEAK UP. - NEGUS.

369. - TRY TO SAY IT TO THE AFRICAN AMERICANS

370. THAT ARE SITTING IN THE SECOND ROW.

371. - NEGUS.

372. - OKAY, NOW PLEASE SAY IT TO THE AUDIENCE

373. AT THE APOLLO.

374. - NEGUS.

375. - ALL RIGHT, ANDREW, ARE YOU READY TO SPELL IT?

376. - COULD YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE?

377. - OF COURSE. NEGUS, PLEASE.

378. ALL RIGHT.

379. THAT LAST JUDGE MAY HAVE BEEN A TOUCH RACIST.

380. BUT LET'S SEE IF ANDREW CAN SPELL IT.

381. - NEGUS.

382. N-E-G-U-S, NEGUS.

383. - YES.

384. - SO IS IT RACIST?

385. EVEN THOUGH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING SAYS YES,

386. IT'S ACTUALLY NOT RACIST.

387. BUT YOU WANT TO TRY AND CONVINCE ME THAT IT IS,

388. GO TO OUR BLOG AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

389. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO

390. FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

391. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS FROM CREAM.

392. - DO YOU NEED SHOTS OF ORDINARY PEOPLE

393. DOING THINGS FOR YOUR NEXT COMMERCIAL?

394. WE GOT THAT B ROLL.

395. TWO MEN POINTING AT AN OFFICE FILE?

396. BORED MAN FLIPPING THROUGH CHANNELS?

397. ANGRY MAN IN TRAFFIC?

398. YEAH, WE GOT THAT B ROLL.

399. WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM TO WEAR? CASUAL?

400. UPSCALE CASUAL? BUSINESS?

401. WE GOT THAT B ROLL.

402. HAPPY COUPLE WALKING ON THE BEACH.

403. WE GOT THAT B ROLL.

404. WANT THAT HAPPY COUPLE TO KISS? NO PROBLEM.

405. WANT HIM TO GET A LITTLE FRESH WITH THE LADY?

406. DONE. HEY, YOU TWO, CUT IT OUT

407. AND STARE AT THE OCEAN SO I CAN GET B ROLL OF THAT.

408. WHAT A NICE VIEW OF THE OCEAN. THAT'S B ROLL OF THE OCEAN.

409. OVERWHELMED MAN TRYING TO PAY BILLS?

410. YEAH, WE GOT IT.

411. FRUSTRATED MAN LOOKING FOR A JOB IN THE PAPER.

412. YOU KNOW WE GOT IT.

413. AND LUNCH MEETING SUCCESS.

414. HEY, LOOK, THAT'S ME.

415. I LIKE MY B ROLL SO MUCH I'M IN IT.

416. KIRK GIBSON HITTING A GAME-WINNING HOME RUN

417. IN THE '88 WORLD SERIES?

418. NO!

419. THAT'S TOO SPECIFIC.

420. THAT IS NOT B ROLL.

421. - UP NEXT, MY FINAL AND GREATEST ARM WRESTLING MATCH EVER.

422. SO STICK AROUND FOR MORE OF THE JEFF DUNHAM SHOW.

423. - WELCOME BACK.

424. STILL GETTING USED TO CASUAL JACKETS!

425. AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT'S THRILLED

426. MYSPACE IS FINALLY DEAD?

427. UGH, THAT'S WHY IN HONOR OF THE SEASON PREMIERE

428. I AM PERMANENTLY DELETING MY MYSPACE PAGE

429. AND ALL 42 MILLION FRIENDS.

430. YEAH.

431. SO TILA TEQUILA AND TOM,

432. IF YOU ARE MY REAL FRIENDS,

433. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CONTACT ME THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

434. BY POKING ME ON FACEBOOK.

435. AND AS YOU KNOW FROM LAST SEASON,

436. I'M THE COMEDY CENTRAL ARM WRESTLING CHAMPION.

437. I WANTED TO GO UP AGAINST LINCOLN HAWK,

438. BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT SYLVESTER STALLONE

439. IS SO OLD AND BRITTLE

440. THAT IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE A CHALLENGE AT THIS AGE.

441. THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO DO THE NEXT BEST THING

442. AND ARM WRESTLE THE KID WHO PLAYED HIS SON

443. IN OVER THE TOP, MICHAEL HAWK.

444. - ALL RIGHT, READY?

445. TURN YOUR HATS AROUND.

446. SET. GO!

447. - YOU GOT HIM, MIKE! YOU GOT HIM! YOU GOT HIM!

448. - YOU GOT HIM! YOU GOT HIM! YOU GOT HIM! YOU GOT HIM!

449. - I CAN'T.

450. - OH!

451. OH, MY GOD!

452. - I'M A LOT LIKE TIM TEBOW.

453. I HAD A GREAT RUN,

454. BUT WE ALL KNOW I'M NOT READY FOR THE PROS.

455. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR OUR FIRST-EVER WEB REUNION

456. WITH ALAN THICKE AND THE CRYSTAL LIGHT DANCERS.

457. 23 YEARS THEY'VE BEEN APART,

458. AND I BROUGHT THEM BACK TOGETHER.

459. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

460. HEY, MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER,

461. SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.

462. CHECK OUT MY TOUR SCHEDULE.

463. AND MAKE SURE YOU KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG

464. AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

465. AND ON THAT BLOG I WILL MAKE SURE TO HAVE A LINK

466. SO YOU CAN SEE THAT UNBLURRED MAN MEAT.

467. AND FINALLY, AVATAR HAS MADE OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.

468. I WOULDN'T MIND A TASTE OF THAT SWEET ACTION.

469. SO I THOUGHT I'D TRANSLATE OUR CLOSING CREDITS INTO NA'VI

470. AND MADE THEM 3-D.

471. SO EVERYONE, PUT ON YOUR GLASSES

472. AND ENJOY.

473. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT.

474. OH!

475. OH! OH!

476. OH!

477. - THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA HURT,

478. BECAUSE I AM NOT LICENSED.

479. BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO DO THIS.

480. CLOSE YOUR EYES

481. AND JUST PRETEND THIS ISN'T GONNA HURT.

482. GOOD-BYE, DAD.

483. NOW HE'S THE REAL TOOTH FAIRY.

484. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU GET FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY?

485. - I DON'T KNOW.

486. - YOU DON'T GET MONEY FOR YOUR TEETH?

487. - YES. - HOW MUCH DO YOU GET?

488. - ONE CENT. - ONE CENT?

489. WHAT, DO YOU LIVE IN THE '40s?