Tosh.0 1x5

Directed by

Cara Cunningham as Self (as Chris Crocker)

Videos include a church freakout, Christoper Walken impersonators, a baseball pitch, and pizza sauce. Chris Crocker is given a shot at web redemption. The celebrity video features Andy Dick during a Hitler audition.

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!req Tosh.0 1x5 [02:32]
!req Tosh.0 1x5 [Tosh.0 1x5]
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. THANK YOU.

2. ALL RIGHT.

3. STOP!

4. DO YOU THINK HE'S BEING TICKLED

5. BY THE GHOST OF MICHAEL JACKSON?

6. THIS IS "TOSH.O"!

7. NEED SOME LIKE DRAMATIC PULL

8. BACK THERE.

9. TODAY, ANDY DICK STOPS BY FOR

10. WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVEN HOURS.

11. WE FINALLY TAKE CARE OF CHRIS

12. CROCKER, THE LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE

13. GUY.

14. AND A SPECIAL APPEARANCE FROM A

15. COP AND TWO GIRLS.

16. I KNOW.

17. LAST WEEK WE WERE OFF.

18. AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

19. I WAS NOT DEAD.

20. I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH JEFF

21. GOLDBLUM AND HARRISON FORD.

22. IT DOES SEEM LIKE A LOT OF

23. CELEBRITIES HAVE BEEN DROPPING

24. DEAD BUT NOT EVERYBODY HAS

25. PASSED AWAY.

26. HERE'S SOME CELEBRITIES STILL

27. ALIVE.

28. KURT LODER.

29. REALLY!

30. WOW!

31. HAILEY JOEL OSMENT.

32. I KNOW.

33. SEEMS LIKE HIS STILL GROWING UP

34. AWKWARDLY IN FRONT OF OUR EYES.

35. GOOD OLD HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN IS

36. WITH US.

37. AND THE MICRO MACHINE GUY.

38. AND I REGRET TO INFORM YOU, FRED

39. DURST IS STILL ALIVE.

40. NO ONE WILL RECOGNIZE YOU UNLESS

41. YOU TURN YOUR HAT AROUND.

42. HE PUTS HIS PITCHER ON A TWITTER

43. ACCOUNT IN MEMORY OF MICHAEL

44. JACKSON.

45. WHEN I THINK OF HOW MANY

46. CHILDREN HE HAS TOUCHED WITH HIS

47. MUSIC.

48. SORRY.

49. IT'S JUST SO UNEXPECTED THAT HE

50. DIED.

51. I MEAN, I SAW HIM TWO WEEKS AGO

52. JOGGING.

53. HE LOOKED REALLY GOOD.

54. I REMEMBER SAYING TO JEFF

55. GOLDBLUM, IF I LOOK LIKE THAT AT

56. 50 —

57. TOO SOON?

58. NOT LIKE I'M DOING JOKES ABOUT

59. MY EX-GIRLFRIEND FROM DAVE AND

60. BUSTERS.

61. ANYONE?

62. SOMEONE CLOSE TO MICHAEL JACKSON

63. WAS IN THE INTERNET NEWS THIS

64. WEEK.

65. GARY COLEMAN.

66. YEAH.

67. I KNOW GARY COLEMAN IS NOT

68. EMANUEL LEWIS, BUT IT'S CLOSE.

69. HIS WIFE IS ARRESTED FROM

70. BEATING HIM UP.

71. SHE GOT FRUSTRATED WHEN SHE

72. COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT GARY

73. WAS TALKING ABOUT.

74. ALL RIGHT.

75. LET'S GO TO CHURCH.

76. LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN

77. HITTING THE BLOOD OF CHRIST

78. PRETTY HARD.

79. LET'S HOW MANY COMMENTS WE CAN

80. POST IN 20 SECONDS.

81. JUST ANOTHER SUNDAY AT THE

82. CRYSTAL METHODIST CHURCH.

83. IT'S LIKE GOD IS TASERING THEM

84. WITH LOVE.

85. SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID

86. PICTURE.

87. SCIENTOLOGY IS THE CRAZY

88. RELIGION.

89. TRY FALLING ASLEEP IN THIS

90. CHURCH.

91. EVERYONE LOOK AT STACY.

92. SHE'S IN THE ZONE.

93. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE KNEW THERE

94. WAS SCOUTS IN THE CROWD.

95. DID THE PASTOR SKIP BY US?

96. THAT'S A RECORD, BY THE WAY.

97. EIGHT COMMENTS.

98. ALL RIGHT.

99. LET'S CRANK IT UP A NOTCH WITH A

100. NEW SEGMENT CALLED "ASIANS DOING

101. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPRESSIONS."

102. GRAB A FREE WRENCH CHICKEN.

103. HUNT IT DOWN WITH A KNIFE.

104. KNIFE UNDER THE PILLOW,

105. WAITING IN THE SHOWER.

106. OH, OH.

107. THAT'S SPOT ON.

108. GOOD FOR YOU.

109. THE ONE AND ONLY.

110. ALL RIGHT.

111. I DON'T MEAN TO BE A STICKLER,

112. BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT LAST GUY

113. WAS ASIAN.

114. WE GO TO THE FAVORITE'S NEW

115. GAME SHOW, "IS IT RACIST?"

116. LOOK AT THE CAM, MAN.

117. YOU SEE BENJAMIN, FRANKLIN.

118. THEM AIN'T NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

119. IT'S NOT EASY, IS IT?

120. IT MIGHT BE RACIST BUT MAYBE

121. WE'RE RACIST FOR ASKING THIS.

122. IN ANY CASE, WATCHING THIS

123. INSPIRED ME TO MAKE A RESPONSE

124. VIDEO.

125. YOU'LL NOTICE CORPORATE

126. CHECKING ACCOUNTS, HAVE A ROTH

127. IRA, DIVERSIIED STOCK

128. PORTFOLIOS.

129. YOU CAN SEE I SET UP A TRUST

130. FUND FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.

131. AND I DON'T WEAR ANY JEWELRY.

132. I HAVE BEEN AGAINST DIAMONDS

133. EVER SINCE THE U.N. RESOLUTION

134. IN 2000.

135. I DIGRESS.

136. THIS IS CALLED A COLLEGE DEGREE.

137. AND THIS IN MY WALLET IS MADE

138. FROM FOAM LEATHER.

139. NOTICE I HAVE TWO CREDIT CARDS.

140. ONE FOR CORPORATE EXPENSES AND

141. ONE FOR INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.

142. BE CAREFUL, TOO MANY CREDIT

143. CARDS WILL RUIN YOUR CREDIT

144. SCORE.

145. I HAVE $47.

146. THAT'S USED FOR TIPPING.

147. TIPPING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN

148. SOMEONE PROVIDES YOU WITH A

149. SERVICE.

150. LIKE AT A RESTAURANT OR A HOTEL.

151. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M TOLD THAT

152. PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF CHANGE

153. AND CARRY TONS OF CASH TEND TO

154. BE THE WORST TIPPERS.

155. THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

156. IS IT RACIST?

157. YOU CAN VOTE.

158. GO TO OUR WEBSITE,

159. comedycentral.com/tosh.o/WHITES

160. RULE.

161. I DON'T THINK THAT'S OUR REAL

162. ADDRESS.

163. MOVING ON.

164. SUMMER IS IN FULL SWING.

165. READY FOR THE ALL-STAR BREAK FOR

166. BASEBALL?

167. SOMETHING TELLS ME CINCINNATI'S

168. MAYOR MALLORY DIDN'T GET THE

169. NOTE.

170. READY FOR A READY.

171. OH, SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE A

172. DAD.

173. NICE THROW, SWING STATE.

174. LET'S USE AN INSTANT REPLAY TO

175. EXAMINE THIS TOSS IN THIS WEEK'S

176. BREAKDOWN.

177. OH, MAYOR MALLORY, HAD TO BE

178. FIRED UP.

179. SUN OUT, STADIUM PACKED.

180. NO RACE RIOTS IN THE DOWNTOWN

181. AREA.

182. HE WAS LIVING OUT A BOYHOOD

183. DREAM.

184. HE COCKS BACK, TAKES A STEP,

185. SNEAKS IN A SECOND STEP JUST TO

186. MAKE SURE THERE'S NO POWER

187. BEHIND HIS THROW.

188. FOR THE MATHELETES, THE MOUND IS

189. 60 FEET, SIX INCHES AWAY.

190. HE GOT IN FRONT OF THE MOUND.

191. AFTER TWO STEPS, NO MORE THAN 50

192. FEET FROM HOME PLATE.

193. THAT'S WHAT WE IN THE THROWING

194. BUSINESS CALL NOT THAT FAR.

195. HERE'S THE WINDUP.

196. AT THIS POINT HE'S THINKING THE

197. BALL IS STILL IN MY HANDS.

198. I'M SURE I SHOULD HAVE LET GO BY

199. NOW.

200. AS LONG AS I DON'T RELEASE MY

201. GRIP, I CAN TRY IT AGAIN.

202. TOO LATE.

203. A LITTLE OFF COURSE.

204. MAYBE I PUT SPIN AND IT WILL

205. BREAK RIGHT.

206. 200 FEET OUTSIDE.

207. AWESOME.

208. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE MAYOR OF

209. CLEVELAND WAS THINKING AFTER

210. THAT?

211. IF THAT'S ME, I'M THINKING IT'S

212. A GOOD TIME TO INVADE

213. CINCINNATI.

214. WHAT'S THIS?

215. FOR DIRTINESS, THE UMPIRE

216. EJECTED THE MAYOR FROM A GAME

217. THAT HE'S NOT REALLY PLAYING IN.

218. AND I ASSUME THAT'S THE SAME UMP

219. THAT TOSSED THIS VIDEO ONLINE

220. FOR OUR ENJOYMENT.

221. GOOD LOOKING OUT, BLUE!

222. THERE'S ONE VIDEO I HAVE ALWAYS

223. WANTED TO PUT ON THIS SHOW.

224. IT'S ONE OF THE INTERNET'S MOST

225. POPULAR VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.

226. BUT IT'S VILE CONTENT MAKES

227. AIRING IT IMPOSSIBLE.

228. SO LET'S DO THE NEXT BEST THING.

229. LET'S RECORD THE BIGGEST EVER

230. REACTION VIDEO TO IT.

231. THAT'S RIGHT.

232. STUDIO AUDIENCE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO

233. MAKE YOUR TELEVISION DEBUT

234. REACTING TO TWO GIRLS, ONE COP.

235. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

236. CHRIS CROCKER.

237. AND IS THERE ANYBODY OUT

238. THERE MAKING FUN OF BRITNEY?

239. AFTER ALL SHE'S BEEN THERE.

240. ALL YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS

241. READERS AND MAKING MONEY OFF OF

242. HER.

243. SHE'S A HUMAN!

244. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

245. SOMEONE IS MENSTRUATING.

246. CHRIS CROCKER HAS OTHER VIDEOS

247. AND THEY'RE AWFUL.

248. SEQUELS ALWAYS SUCK.

249. IT'S LIKE SMOKING CRACK.

250. THE FIRST TIME IT'S GREAT.

251. YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

252. MAYBE EVEN MARRY WHITNEY

253. HOUSTON.

254. BEFORE THAT, WHITNEY GETS TOO

255. SKINNY AND NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR

256. THE FOLLOW UP TO "MY

257. PREROGATIVE."

258. THE POINT IS, NOTHING IS EVER AS

259. GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL.

260. REMEMBER DAVID AS DENNIS?

261. THIS KID IS UNBEARABLE WHEN HE'S

262. SOBER.

263. SORRY, DAD.

264. DAVID IS ONLY FUNNY WHEN HIS

265. HIGH OUT OF HIS MIND.

266. WHAT ABOUT THE NUMA NUMA GUY'S

267. FOLLOW UP VIDEO?

268. ENOUGH.

269. I'M SICK OF IT.

270. TWO SECONDS IN AND I'M OVER IT.

271. AND THIS GUY SOLD OUT WORSE THAN

272. THE BLACK EYED PEACE.

273. IS IT'S POSSIBLE FOR LIGHTNING

274. TO STRIKE TWICE ON THE INTERNET?

275. DID ALL CHRIS' TEARS DRY UP?

276. WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE

277. TO GET THAT GOAL IN THIS WEEK'S

278. WEB REDEMPTION.

279. CHRIS.

280. HI.

281. TINA.

282. TEEN WHATEVER.

283. NICE TO MEET YOU.

284. NICE TO MEET YOU.

285. SO YOU'RE STRAIGHT?

286. LISTEN, WE HAVE A GREAT PLACE TO

287. DO AN INTERVIEW.

288. I SET IT UP.

289. I THINK IT WILL MAKE US BOTH

290. FEEL VERY MUCH AT HOME.

291. IN PRIVATE.

292. VERY PRIVATE.

293. KIND OF LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY.

294. GIRL'S NIGHT.

295. TELL ME HOW YOUR LIFE CHANGED

296. AFTER THAT VIDEO.

297. ONE MORNING I GRABBED MY WEB

298. CAMERA AS I ALWAYS DO WHEN I'M

299. MAD.

300. I FILMED IT IN FRONT OF MY

301. WINDOW WITH THE CURTAINS.

302. AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT

303. YOU FILMED IT UNDER YOUR

304. CURTAINS?

305. A LOT OF PEOPLE —

306. WHAT THE — AM I DOING WITH

307. THIS — SHEET?

308. YOU THINK BRITNEY WANTS TO BE

309. LEFT ALONE?

310. NO.

311. SO IT WAS JUST IN THE MOMENT?

312. IT WASN'T FAKE THOUGH?

313. NO, IT WASN'T.

314. DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE —

315. I HAVE LEUKEMIA PUBES.

316. THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

317. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HEIDI

318. AND SPENCER?

319. SHE'S A ROLE MODEL OF MINE.

320. SHE'S THE —

321. MAYBE A LITTLE MORE MASCULINE

322. OR INTIMIDATING WHEN YOU'RE

323. TELLING SOMEONE TO LEAVE PEOPLE

324. ALONE, SWITCH IT UP.

325. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

326. LIKE THAT?

327. NO.

328. THAT'S TERRIFYING.

329. I INVITED OVER A FAMOUS

330. PAPARAZZO.

331. FACE YOUR DEMONS.

332. TALK TO THEM.

333. THIS PERSON IS FAMOUS FOR NOT

334. LEAVING BRITNEY ALONE.

335. COME ON IN.

336. DANO IS THE ONE THAT TOOK THE

337. PICTURE WHEN BRITNEY WAS

338. FREAKING OUT WITH THE UMBRELLA.

339. OKAY.

340. HE'S THE ONE THAT I EXPOSED WHEN

341. SHE WAS GOING THROUGH A HARD

342. TIME.

343. YES.

344. I'M SO EXCITED.

345. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO

346. TELL HIM?

347. NOT MUCH I WANT TO TELL HIM

348. BUT A LOT I WANT TO DO TO HIM.

349. OKAY.

350. NOT IN MY HAPPY TENT.

351. DANO, DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO TAKE

352. ANYMORE PHOTOS OF BRITNEY?

353. NO.

354. LEAVE HER ALONE.

355. RIGHT NOW.

356. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.

357. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

358. THAT'S OKAY.

359. THAT'S GOOD FOR MY SHOW.

360. I NEED THE PUBLICITY.

361. IT'S BEEN A SLOW START.

362. OKAY.

363. NEED TO FIND SOMEONE NEW.

364. YOU'RE RIGHT.

365. I BROUGHT YOU SOME WARDROBE.

366. A SHIRT?

367. YEAH.

368. DO YOU MIND PUTTING THAT BACK

369. ON?

370. I DON'T MIND.

371. I'M GOING TO NEED THIS.

372. I'M GOING TO NEED SOME PRIVACY.

373. OKAY.

374. WHY?

375. WELL, THE WORLD WANTS TO

376. KNOW.

377. CHRIS, YOU READY TO GIVE ANOTHER

378. SHOT?

379. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

380. PLEASE!

381. LEAVE HER ALONE.

382. WE KNOW WHO AMERICA NEEDS TO

383. LEAVE ALONE NOW.

384. LEAVE HER ALONE RIGHT NOW.

385. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO —

386. OKAY.

387. WHAT YOU HAVE ALL WATCHED IS THE

388. FIRST TELEVISED ENOUGH FILM.

389. LIKE MOST INTERNET SNUFF VIDEOS

390. YOU THINK IT WAS REAL.

391. IT WAS FAKE.

392. CHRIS IS A GOOD SPORT.

393. HE'S STANDING OVER THERE.

394. CHRIS?

395. THANK YOU, CHRIS.

396. TAKE A BOW.

397. OR A CURTSEY.

398. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDY

399. DICK.

400. AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE

401. PRANK OF THE WEEK.

402. DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER?

403. OH, MY GOD!

404. AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE

405. WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURGER

406. HELLO, PHOENIX ONLINE

407. UNIVERSITY CLASS OF '09

408. GRADUATES.

409. I WAS HONORED TO DELIVER YOUR

410. COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

411. WHEN I LOOK OUT INTO THIS WEB

412. CAM, I'M REMINDED THAT EVERYBODY

413. GOT HERE IN THEIR OWN WAY FOR

414. SOME SAFARI.

415. FOR OTHERS, FIRE FOX.

416. FOR A SELECT FEW IMMIGRANTS,

417. HAND ME DOWN COMMUTERS, IT WAS

418. NETSCAPE.

419. ALL WITH ONE GOAL IN MIND.

420. ALL TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU DO

421. HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE WITHOUT

422. TELLING THEM FROM WHERE.

423. I REMEMBER WHEN GRADUATED FROM A

424. REAL COLLEGE.

425. IT WAS IN A ROOM WITH REAL

426. PEOPLE AND MY FAMILY WASN'T

427. EMBARRASSED.

428. DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE DEGREE

429. YOU PRINTED.

430. TACK IT UP ON YOUR CUBICAL WALL

431. AND LOL WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF

432. IT.

433. BEFORE MY COMPUTER CRASHES, I'D

434. LIKE TO APPLAUD THE 16% OF YOU

435. THAT MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRE

436. WALL.

437. UPDATE THE FACEBOOK STATUS TO

438. COLLEGE GRADUATE.

439. CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES!

440. MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL DO TRUCK

441. DRIVING SCHOOL.

442. ALL RIGHT.

443. LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE

444. WELCOME ANDY DICK.

445. ANDY?

446. I GIVE YOU THE 10.

447. HELLO.

448. I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL.

449. HOW ARE YOU?

450. I'M WELL.

451. HEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE AN OLD

452. AUDITION TAPE OF YOURS FROM

453. "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2" THAT

454. WE'RE GOING TO PLAY?

455. YEAH?

456. NO, NO.

457. NO.

458. I SENT SOMETHING CALLED "40

459. MINUTES WITH ANDY."

460. DON'T PLAY THE OTHER THING

461. THAT — I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT

462. LEAKED OUT THERE.

463. YOU WALKED IT INTO MY OFFICE.

464. IT'S EMBARRASSING.

465. I'M LIKE THIS —

466. IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF

467. HITLER, WHICH I'M SURE ISN'T IN

468. THE MOVIE.

469. HERE'S ANDY DICK'S AUDITION TAPE

470. FOR "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2."

471. DO YOU THINK I HAVE — I CAN

472. DO THIS PART.

473. IT'S LIKE — HONESTLY.

474. OKAY.

475. ANDY DICK, FOR HITLER IN "NIGHT

476. AT THE MUSEUM 2."

477. I ALMOST SAID NIGHT AT THE

478. JEWSY.

479. DON'T FILM RIGHT NOW.

480. I WANT TO SAY INAPPROPRIATE AND

481. TOO SOON.

482. TOO SOON WITH THE WHOLE LITTLER

483. AND THE JEWS.

484. I LIKE JEWS.

485. I'M JUST — MY AGENT IS JEWISH,

486. MY CLEANING LADY IS JEWISH.

487. STOP.

488. I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT

489. GOING TO DO SOME OF THESE LINES

490. LIKE THIS ONE HERE.

491. WHAT REASON?

492. I'LL GIVE YOU SEVEN MILLION.

493. AND THEN THIS ONE.

494. WHEN I CAN'T FIND SOMETHING, I

495. ALWAYS CHECK THE ATTIC.

496. WHO IS THE CAPTAIN?

497. DONNA.

498. THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M

499. DOING HERE.

500. YOU GO AND I'LL GO AFTER YOU.

501. I NEED TWO MINUTES.

502. YEAH.

503. GIVE ME A HILE.

504. THANK YOU.

505. TO SEE MORE OF THE AUDITION,

506. GO TO ADAM.COM.

507. AND GO TO

508. comedycentral.com/tosh.o TO

509. UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A

510. CHANCE TO BE THE VIEWER OF THE

511. WEEK.

512. THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES

513. FROM ACTIONPAL.COM.

514. HOW MUCH IS IT?

515. $14.

516. THAT'S HIGH, RIGHT?

517. YES.

518. GET SOME IN YOUR FACE.

519. THAT'S FUNNY.

520. THANK YOU.

521. WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE BATTLE

522. BOTS.

523. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

524. WATCHING.

525. MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE NEXT

526. SHOW WHEN WE GIVE THE BALLOON

527. GUY A WEB REDEMPTION.

528. IT'S FAIR TO SAY THIS IS THE

529. GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

530. I MADE A FRIEND FOR LIFE.

531. MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR WEBSITE,

532. TOO, WHERE WE HAVE OUR FINAL

533. FLOWER SHOP VIDEO.

534. AND NOW FOR THE MOST UNFORTUNATE

535. DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK.

536. IT GOES TO THE SCHAEFFLER GROUP

537. AND THEIR WEBSITE, FAG.COM.

538. THEY MAKE BALL BEARINGS.

539. THEY WERE FOUNDED IN 1905.

540. MAKE SURE YOU LOCK UP FAG.COM.

541. GOOD CALL.

542. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

543. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.