Tosh.0 1x2

1. YEAH

2. YEAH!

3. HEY, HEY, HEY

4. HEY, HEY, HEY

5. HEY, HEY

6. YEAH!

7. THANK YOU.

8. WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

9. YEAH!

10. YEAH!

11. OH, THAT'S A REAL AUDIENCE.

12. THAT WAS SODAHEAD13, AND HE LIKES

13. TO CRANK MUSIC AND CHUG SODA.

14. SURE, HE MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD AT

15. IT, BUT HE MORE THAN MAKES UP

16. FOR IT WITH SHOWMANSHIP, SO BACK

17. OFF, HATERS.

18. YEAH!

19. I START EACH AND EVERY DAY

20. WATCHING A SODAHEAD CHUG VIDEO.

21. YEAH!

22. IT'S BETTER THAN A CUP OF BLACK

23. COFFEE.

24. YEAH!

25. ALL RIGHT, LET'S START THE SHOW.

26. YEAH!

27. TONIGHT, MISS TEEN SOUTH

28. CAROLINA, SUCH AS, BEGS FOR A

29. WEB REDEMPTION, SUCH AS.

30. AND COMEDIAN/ACTOR DAVID

31. KOECHNER STOPS BY.

32. WITH HIS FIRST EPISODE OF THE

33. FLOWER SHOP.

34. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE

35. GREATEST CLIPS THIS WEEK ON THE

36. WEB.

37. GOD, WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A

38. CLIP SHOW.

39. LET'S ROLL THE FIRST CLIP.

40. AW, THIS WEEK BRET MICHAELS,

41. STAR OF ROCK OF LOVE, MADE IT TO

42. BROADWAY.

43. IS HE DEAD?

44. HE CAN'T DIE.

45. HE HASN'T FOUND LOVE YET.

46. DON'T WORRY,

47. HAD THAT SET KILLED YOU,

48. IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE CLOSE TO THE

49. MOST EMBARRASSING THING THAT

50. HAPPENED THIS WEEK.

51. ANYBODY HEAR ABOUT HOW DAVID

52. CARRADINE PASSED AWAY?

53. JUST LIKE MY GRANDFATHER—

54. HANGING IN THE CLOSET IN BANGKOK

55. WITH A BELT AROUND HIS NECK,

56. PLEASURING HIMSELF.

57. TOO SOON?

58. SELF-DEFENSE, GUYS.

59. IT'S VERY SERIOUS.

60. KHAKIS, CHECK.

61. BROWN BRAIDED BELT, CHECK.

62. POLO SHIRT, CHECK.

63. COMMUNITY THEATER CURTAIN, CHECK.

64. OKAY, LET'S SHOOT THIS GAY

65. THING.

66. YOU WOULD STEP TO YOUR LEFT,

67. REACHING BACK WITH YOUR RIGHT

68. HAND, GRABBING TESTICLES, AND

69. SQUEEZING.

70. SWEEP THE TESTICLES.

71. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

72. NO, SENSEI.

73. SWEEP THE TESTICLES.

74. NO MERCY.

75. GET HIM A BODY BAG,

76. JOHNNY!

77. DO YOU HEAR THAT?

78. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK TO

79. KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG.

80. COME ON.

81. NO!

82. IT'S STEP, BALL CHANGE, BRUSH

83. STEP.

84. HEEL DIG, STEP.

85. FROM THE TOP.

86. AND PULL UP YOUR SOCK.

87. I'D LOSE THE UMBRELLA IF YOU

88. WANT PEOPLE AT DANCING WITH THE

89. STARS TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY.

90. ALL RIGHT.

91. LET'S MOVE ON SO EVERYBODY

92. DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH TWO HOURS

93. OF SPORTSCENTER BEFORE THEY GO

94. TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

95. TIME TO MAKE FUN OF YOU.

96. LET'S SEE HOW MANY FUNNY

97. COMMENTS WE CAN POST IN 20

98. SECONDS.

99. WEIRD, A LEFT-HANDED GUNMAN.

100. YOU DON'T SEE MANY OF THOSE.

101. I DIDN'T GO FAT.

102. GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE.

103. TYPE 2 DIABETES KILLS PEOPLE.

104. TEN TO ONE, HE'S WEARING

105. ELASTIC.

106. HEY, WHO SHOT ME?

107. MAYBE IT WAS THAT MOUNTAIN IN A

108. WINDBREAKER.

109. GOOD THING HE'S WEARING EAR

110. PROTECTION.

111. I'M SURE HE'LL LIVE LONG ENOUGH

112. FOR THAT TO MATTER.

113. EVERYONE DOWN, THERE'S A BEAR

114. WITH A GUN.

115. GUNS ARE GREAT.

116. BUT GUNS IN BIKINIS, SEXY.

117. YEAH, YEAH.

118. YOU KNOW WHAT'S DISTURBING ABOUT

119. THIS PHOTO?

120. NOTHING.

121. THIS GUY IS FREAKING AWESOME.

122. RELOAD.

123. PUT 20 SECONDS BACK ON THE

124. CLOCK.

125. IS THAT A FAKE TAN BETWEEN HIS

126. LEGS OR IS THAT A RASH?

127. "I DON'T WANT TO SMILE.

128. JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, MOM."

129. NICE EYEBROW.

130. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE DUDE IN

131. 1-A.

132. YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT GUNS LIKE

133. I AIN'T GOT NONE.

134. WHAT YOU THINK, I SOLD THEM ALL?

135. "PLEASE STOP POINTING THAT GUN

136. AT ME," SAID HIS JUNK.

137. JUDGES, I THINK I GOT THAT ONE

138. IN.

139. I'M OUT OF TIME.

140. OH, A MOTORCYCLE.

141. I'M SURE THIS WILL GO GREAT.

142. GUYS, THAT WAS ACTUALLY HER

143. EXIT.

144. INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, WE

145. RESEARCHED IT.

146. THAT COUPLE'S NO LONGER

147. TOGETHER.

148. YEAH, WHICH BRINGS US TO THIS

149. WEEK'S VIDEO BREAKDOWN.

150. IMAGINE YOU'RE THIS GAL, DATING

151. THE COOLEST DUDE IN TOWN.

152. HE PICKS YOU UP FOR THE BIG DAY

153. DATE.

154. YOU GRASP HIS COTTON-POLY BLEND

155. WOLF T-SHIRT.

156. YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THOSE LIGHT

157. BEERS BY THE RIVER LATER.

158. HOPE HE REMEMBERS HIS PROMISE—

159. NO MORE WHEELIES.

160. PAUSE IT.

161. OFTEN IT'S HARD TO TELL IN A

162. RELATIONSHIP WHEN THINGS BEGIN

163. TO SOUR.

164. BUT FOR THEM, IT'S EXACTLY AT

165. THIS MOMENT.

166. IF YOU BACK IT UP, YEAH, AT THIS

167. POINT, IT WAS GOING GREAT.

168. IN FACT, THAT MORNING SHE TOLD

169. HER FRIENDS SHE THINKS RICHIE

170. MIGHT POP THE QUESTION AT THE

171. RIVER LATER.

172. BUT HERE, UH-UH, NOT SO MUCH.

173. SOME DOUBTS CREPT IN.

174. IS HE THE RIGHT MAN?

175. AM I READY?

176. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR HER.

177. THE LETTING GO PART, WHAT IS

178. THAT THINKING?

179. LIKE, HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW WHEN

180. YOU'RE THE PASSENGER IN THIS

181. SITUATION.

182. THIS WHEELIE IS PRETTY SCARY.

183. THERE'S A CHANCE HE DOESN'T PULL

184. THIS OFF, A CHANCE.

185. HERE'S WHAT YOU KNOW IF YOU LET

186. GO.

187. "I WILL AT THE VERY LEAST BE IN

188. A LOT OF PAIN, "AND I CERTAINLY

189. WON'T BE GETTING DRUNK AT THE

190. RIVER LATER TONIGHT."

191. ANOTHER REASON THIS RELATIONSHIP

192. WAS DOOMED, RICHIE NEVER EVEN

193. SLOWED DOWN.

194. NO, HE KEPT RIGHT ON GOING.

195. HE KNOWS WHAT'S BACK THERE— A

196. MINIMUM OF FIVE HOURS IN THE

197. EMERGENCY ROOM TRYING TO

198. CONVINCE HER THAT SHE'S EVEN

199. SEXIER WITHOUT A CHIN.

200. SO INSTEAD, HE MADE A

201. SPLIT-SECOND DECISION TO GAS IT

202. TO HIS BUDDY'S PLACE TO UPLOAD

203. THIS VIDEO FOR THE WORLD TO SEE,

204. AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU,

205. RICHIE.

206. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MISS

207. TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA.

208. I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.

209. AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO

210. BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN

211. OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS.

212. AND I BELIEVE THEIR EDUCATION,

213. LIKE, SUCH AS IN SOUTH AFRICA

214. AND THE IRAQ, EVERYWHERE, LIKE,

215. SUCH AS, AND I BELIEVE THAT THE

216. SHOULD— OUR EDUCATION OVER

217. HERE, IN THE U.S., SHOULD HELP

218. THE U.S.-- OR SHOULD HELP SOUTH

219. AFRICA.

220. IT SHOULD HELP THE IRAQ AND THE

221. ASIAN COUNTRIES, SO WE WILL BE

222. ABLE TO BUILD UP OUR FUTURE.

223. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SOUTH

224. CAROLINA.

225. THAT SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME.

226. OKAY, HARD TO WATCH WITH VOLUME.

227. BUT LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO SOUND

228. INTELLIGENT WITH VASELINE ON

229. YOUR TEETH.

230. UNFORTUNATELY FOR MISS TEEN

231. SOUTH CAROLINA, YOU DON'T GET A

232. SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST

233. IMPRESSION.

234. AS OF TODAY, OVER 50 MILLION

235. PEOPLE WATCHED HER HAVE A

236. FULL-ON BRAIN SHART,

237. WHICH MEANS, STATISTICALLY, TEN

238. MILLION OF THOSE PEOPLE DIDN'T

239. KNOW THE ANSWER EITHER.

240. MARIO LOPEZ DIDN'T KNOW THE

241. ANSWER, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP HIM

242. FROM SMIRKING NEXT TO HER IN HIS

243. OPEN-NECK BLOUSE.

244. CLOSE UP THAT SHIRT,

245. VALDERRAMA.

246. IT'S DISTRACTING.

247. GOD USUALLY DON'T LIKE TO DEAL

248. WITH BOTH HANDS.

249. DO YOU KNOW WHY THIS GUY IS SO

250. SMART?

251. BECAUSE HE NEVER LOOKED LIKE

252. THIS GUY.

253. BUT HEY, IF YOU'RE DROP-DEAD

254. GORGEOUS, EMBRACE IT; THAT'S

255. YOUR THING.

256. WHAT ARE WE DOING ASKING YOU

257. QUESTIONS ANYWAY?

258. IF YOU CAN DO ONE THING RIGHT,

259. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

260. IF YOU CAN SING, IT'S OKAY IF

261. YOU'RE A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

262. AND IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT

263. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IT'S OKAY

264. JUST TO SIT AND GIGGLE AND BE

265. GRATEFUL THAT AT LEAST YOU CAN

266. PUT THOUGHTS INTO A COHERENT

267. SENTENCE, BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE

268. CAN'T.

269. ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS MEAN.

270. I'M SORRY.

271. I USUALLY TRY TO SAVE THE LOW

272. BLOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD

273. AT ANYTHING AT ALL.

274. BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOUR

275. BUDDIES SAY THEY WOULDN'T DATE

276. HER BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SMART

277. ENOUGH, WHAT THEY'RE TRYING

278. TO TELL YOU IS THEY'RE GAY.

279. YOU WERE ROBBED.

280. LISTEN, MAYBE SHE JUST RAN OUT

281. OF TIME.

282. SO WE FIXED IT.

283. WE GAVE MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA

284. FIVE MORE MINUTES TO ONCE AGAIN

285. MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION IN THIS

286. WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

287. CAITIE.

288. HOO!

289. HELLO.

290. HEY.

291. HOW ARE YOU?

292. I'M SO GOOD.

293. SHH.

294. THIS IS RIGHT.

295. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

296. THANK YOU.

297. NO, NO, NO, I SAY THAT TO MYSELF

298. EVERY DAY.

299. LAUREN CAITLIN UPTON, WHAT

300. SHOULD I CALL YOU?

301. CAITIE.

302. MISS SOUTH CAROLINA.

303. COME ON AND RAISE UP.

304. NOW TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

305. HAVE YOU EVER SANG THAT SONG?

306. OH,

307. PEOPLE DON'T HIGH FIVE ANYMORE?

308. GOT IT.

309. CAITIE, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL

310. OUTFIT.

311. BUT I WAS HOPING THAT YOU

312. WOULDN'T MIND WEARING THE DRESS.

313. WHAT DRESS?

314. FROM THE PAGEANT.

315. HUH?

316. THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.

317. OKAY, IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD

318. DO TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD?

319. SO I HAVE TO ASK YOU, CAITIE,

320. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED UP THERE?

321. I MEAN, I WAS JUST HAVING AN

322. OUTER BODY EXPERIENCE, AND IT

323. WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

324. IT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.

325. EXCEPT FOR YOURS, 50 MILLION

326. PEOPLE HAVE WATCHED.

327. HOW WOULD YOU SAY YOUR LIFE HAS

328. BEEN AFFECTED BY THAT VIDEO CLIP

329. ON THE INTERNET?

330. IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD

331. EVER HAPPEN TO ME.

332. I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PURSUE MY

333. MODELING CAREER.

334. I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

335. I TRAVEL THE WORLD.

336. I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A

337. BETTER LIFE.

338. DIG IN.

339. I AM, I'M DOING IT.

340. YOU DIG IN.

341. I CAN'T EAT.

342. I'LL NEVER GET BACK INTO THIS

343. DRESS.

344. IT'S DELICIOUS.

345. A LOT OF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF YOU

346. WHEN THEY SAW THAT CLIP ONLINE.

347. AND WHAT I SAY TO THEM IS, "I'D

348. LIKE TO SEE YOU "STAND IN FRONT

349. OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON

350. NATIONAL TELEVISION, NEXT TO

351. SLATER."

352. AND I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO

353. SAY, "I'VE MADE MISTAKES WITH

354. MARIO, SURE."

355. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.

356. THIS IS ME ON A BANANA BOAT WITH

357. MARIO LOPEZ.

358. NEVER MIND THE RICK ASTLEY

359. HAIRCUT.

360. I'M ON A BANANA BOAT WITH

361. SLATER.

362. I MUST HAVE SAID THAT A THOUSAND

363. TIMES THAT DAY.

364. THIS RIGHT HERE IS ONE OF THE

365. BIGGEST REGRETS OF MY LIFE...

366. BESIDES THE ABORTION.

367. OKAY.

368. NO, NO, NO, NO.

369. BUT PLEASE DON'T, DON'T RUN.

370. I'D HATE TO CHASE YOU.

371. OKAY, CAITIE, LISTEN, THE WORLD

372. WANTS TO KNOW.

373. ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER

374. SHOT?

375. I THINK SO.

376. OKAY, THEN GIVE ME YOUR GUM.

377. DO NOT THIS UP.

378. RECENT POLLS HAVE SHOWN 1/5 OF

379. AMERICANS CAN'T LOCATE THE U.S.

380. ON A WORLD MAP.

381. WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

382. I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT U.S.

383. AMERICANS ARE UNABLE TO DO SO

384. BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE IN

385. OUR NATION DON'T HAVE MAPS AND—

386. SORRY, MY BAD.

387. I DON'T KNOW.

388. THANK YOU, SOUTH CAROLINA.

389. GAME OVER.

390. MISS TEEN USA.

391. OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

392. ENJOY YOUR MOMENT.

393. THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

394. NAILED IT.

395. HA, AMERICA!

396. OH, YOU LOVE TO SEE SOMEONE

397. FAIL.

398. HOW 'BOUT WHEN SOMEBODY'S A

399. WINNER?

400. IT'S A BEAUTY PAGEANT, AMERICA.

401. NOBODY GIVES A WHAT'S

402. GOING ON UP HERE.

403. OH, MY GOODNESS.

404. LOOK AT HER BUTT.

405. WOW.

406. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID

407. KOECHNER.

408. AND NOW IT'S

409. TIME FOR THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.

410. I'M GONNA SCARE MY COUSIN WITH

411. THIS.

412. AHH!

413. OHH.

414. OH, MY GOD.

415. , MY GOD.

416. OHH!

417. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING

418. TO SCARE ME, YOU PIECE

419. OF.

420. AND THAT WAS THE

421. PRANK OF THE WEEK, BROUGHT TO

422. YOU BY BURGER KING.

423. NOW THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A VIRAL

424. VIDEO— SHORT AND SWEET.

425. AND NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FOR

426. NATHAN, WHO ON TAKE SEVEN

427. STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT SPINE

428. TINGLES.

429. THAT'S HOW YOU EXPLOIT A LITTLE

430. PERSON, CARLOS.

431. I MEAN NED.

432. RIGHT.

433. OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

434. PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN/ACTOR

435. DAVID KOECHNER.

436. DAVID.

437. OH. HEY.

438. HOW ARE YOU, DANNY?

439. I'M GOOD.

440. DID I WAKE YOU?

441. OH, I'M SORRY.

442. I WAS ASLEEP, WASN'T I?

443. I'M SORRY.

444. I CAME IN HERE TO DO THE CHAT,

445. AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP.

446. YOUR BROTHER'S IN TOWN WITH HIS

447. KIDS, AND I CAN'T SLEEP

448. ANYWHERE.

449. QUIET!

450. DAVE—

451. I'M DOING A TV SHOW!

452. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE

453. IDEA FOR—

454. I'M SORRY, WHAT IS IT?

455. HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH THE IDEA

456. FOR DOING THESE FLOWER SHOP

457. VIDEOS?

458. OH, IT'S JUST, UH— THEY'RE

459. BASED IN REALITY, SO IT'S KIND

460. OF A REALITY-BASED COMEDY

461. ROUTINE FROM ACTUAL EVENTS

462. OF MY LIFE.

463. WELL, THEY'RE VERY FUNNY.

464. THANK YOU, DAVID.

465. LET'S ROLL THE CLIP.

466. HI.

467. HI.

468. HOW ARE YOU?

469. - WELL. YOU?

470. - GOOD.

471. I'D LIKE A BOUQUET

472. OF RED ROSES FOR MY WIFE,

473. AND I WOULD LIKE THE CARD—

474. OH, IS THERE A CARD?

475. OH, SURE.

476. YEAH, I'D LIKE

477. THE CARD TO READ,

478. YOU

479. AND YOUR FAMILY."

480. WAIT, OH, I KNOW.

481. DO THIS.

482. NEW CARD—RIGHT.

483. WRITE, YOU."

484. - OKAY.

485. AND THEN

486. IN ANOTHER CARD,

487. IT'LL BE JUST BEHIND

488. THAT CARD IN THE ENVELOPE,

489. AND IT'LL SAY...

490. "AND YOUR FAMILY."

491. - SO WHEN SHE GETS IT,

492. SHE OPENS IT UP LIKE,

493. YOU."

494. OOH!

495. AND THEN SHE SEES

496. THE NEXT ONE—BA-BOOM.

497. "AND

498. YOUR FAMILY TOO."

499. AND THEN THE FLOWERS

500. WILL BE LIKE,

501. OH, I THOUGHT

502. THEY WERE SOMETHING GOOD,

503. BUT IT'S KIND OF LIKE

504. THE THIRD YOU"

505. 'CAUSE THEN SHE REALIZES,

506. OH, THESE ARE

507. SARCASTIC FLOWERS.

508. I'M JUST KIDDING.

509. I'M JUST—PUT THOSE AWAY.

510. THROW THOSE AWAY.

511. WRITE, UM, UM,

512. "TO MY LOVING WIFE.

513. "I'M SO HAPPY

514. THAT YOUR FAMILY

515. "IS VISITING

516. FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

517. LOVE, DAVID."

518. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAVID.

519. AND KEEP CHECKING IN

520. AT COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0

521. WHERE WE'LL BE RELEASING

522. NEW EPISODES OF

523. THE FLOWER SHOP

524. DIRECTLY TO OUR WEBSITE.

525. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE,

526. UPLOAD YOUR OWN ORIGINAL VIDEOS

527. FOR A CHANCE TO BE

528. OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

529. HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

530. - YOU, UH—YOU LIKE

531. THAT DRINK I GOT YOU?

532. - YEAH.

533. IT'S GOOD.

534. - ENJOYING IT,

535. YOUR BEVERAGE?

536. - YEAH, MAN,

537. IT'S A GOOD BEVERAGE.

538. - ALL RIGHT.

539. SO, UH—SO YOU LIKE

540. DRINKING PISS?

541. - YEAH.

542. YEAH.

543. - IT'S GOOD PISS?

544. - UH-HUH.

545. IT'S REALLY GOOD PISS.

546. - YEAH.

547. YOU KNOW WHOSE PISS

548. THAT IS?

549. - NO. WHOSE?

550. - RUDY.

551. - RUDY WHO?

552. - RUDY.

553. - RUDY, THE DOG, RUDY?

554. OH, MY GOD, DUDE.

555. I CAN'T BELIEVE—

556. OH,

557. UGH!

558. OH!

559. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

560. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

561. I'M EATING

562. SO I CAN GET

563. THE DOG PISS TASTE

564. OUT OF MY MOUTH, MAN.

565. - DUDE, DUDE,

566. THAT'S DOG.

567. - WHAT?

568. OH!

569. WOW.

570. I NEVER THOUGHT BRUSHING YOUR

571. TEETH COULD BE SO DIRTY.

572. AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,

573. WE PREMIERED LAST WEEK, AND THE

574. REVIEWS HAVE BEEN GLOWING.

575. LIKE THIS.

576. "TOSH.0 WAS BETTER THAN I

577. EXPECTED."

578. THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A WEB JUNK.

579. TURNED TO BE A PRETTY GOOD SOUP

580. TAKEOFF

581. THAT'S FROM WICKEDNEMESIS,

582. WHO USUALLY ISN'T SO KIND,

583. SO THANK YOU.

584. THIS ONE'S FROM ANOTHER BIG

585. PUBLICATION.

586. YOUR SHOW THE COOLEST RUN.

587. "GRANTED I'VE ONLY SEEN TWO.

588. YOURS IS THE BEST ONE OF THOSE

589. TWO."

590. IT'S NICE TO BE NUMBER ONE.

591. AND I SAVED

592. THE BEST FOR LAST.

593. "CINNAMON PLUS CRACKER

594. PLUS SALVIA PLUS WHATEVER,

595. "THE BEST MINUTE ON TV.

596. THE REST WAS DON'T WANT

597. TO BE SUCKING YOUR."

598. PRETTY GOOD.

599. CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE.

600. ALL RIGHT,

601. THAT'S A BIT TOO FAR, CBURNS.

602. BUT LET'S NOT POP THE CORK

603. ON THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE

604. JUST YET.

605. ALL THOSE REVIEWS

606. ARE FROM TWITTER,

607. SO CONSIDER THE SOURCE,

608. ESPECIALLY SINCE

609. OVER 2 MILLION PEOPLE

610. FIND IT NECESSARY

611. TO FOLLOW ASHTON KUTCHER.

612. UGH.

613. YEAH, WE GET IT.

614. YOUR LIFE IS SO INTERESTING.

615. THAT'S WHY WE AT TOSH.0

616. WOULD LIKE

617. TO OFFICIALLY LAUNCH

618. THE UNFOLLOW CAMPAIGN.

619. AND THIS WEEK,

620. IT'S YOU, ASHTON.

621. FOR EVERY ONE MILLION PEOPLE

622. THAT WE GET

623. TO UNFOLLOW ASHTON,

624. WE AT TOSH.0

625. WILL SEND A CHILD TO COLLEGE.

626. COMMUNITY.

627. I MEAN, REALLY.

628. IF HE CAN GET

629. 2 MILLION FOLLOWERS

630. JUST BE EXPLOITING DEMI

631. IN HER GRANNY PANTIES—

632. THAT'S A GRANNY

633. IN GRANNY PANTIES.

634. THAT'S KIND OF REDUNDANT.

635. THAT'S MORE LIKE

636. DEMI'S UNDERWEAR.

637. SO SHOWING DEMI IS THE KEY.

638. GOT IT.

639. THEN SHOWING A PICTURE OF HER

640. BACK IN THE '80S

641. SHOULD REALLY HELP

642. OUR SHOW'S FOLLOWING.

643. OH, YES.

644. I KNOW, I KNOW.

645. IT SHEDS TWICE A YEAR.

646. PLEASE.

647. I KEEP WAITING FOR A CAMERA CREW

648. TO COME RUNNING

649. OUT OF HER PUBES

650. TO TELL ME I'M ON PUNK'D.

651. NOW, I KNOW YOU AT HOME

652. CAN'T SEE ANYTHING,

653. BUT THE STUDIO'S RESPONSE

654. SHOULD TELL YOU

655. THERE'S A REASON

656. THIS IS COMPLETELY BLURRED.

657. AND I'M ACTUALLY SHOCKED

658. THAT WE HAVE ENOUGH BLUR.

659. IT'S HUGE.

660. IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE PHOTO—

661. AND I WARN YOU,

662. YOU DON'T—

663. GO TO

664. COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0.

665. MAKE SURE YOU WATCH NEXT WEEK

666. WHEN THE PUKE KID COMES BY.

667. WHO'S HE?

668. I DON'T KNOW.

669. I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT,

670. BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

671. HE'S GONNA PUKE.

672. GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.

673. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

674. YEAH!

675. THANK YOU.