Tosh.0 1x12

1. THANK YOU.

2. OKAY.

3. THANK YOU.

4. WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."

5. I'M YOUR GUEST HOST, DANIEL

6. TOSH.

7. TODAY THE BACKYARD WRESTLER

8. STOPS BY FOR THE MOST INTENSE

9. WEB REDEMPTION EVER.

10. I INTRODUCE A BRAND NEW FETISH

11. AT ADULTCON.

12. AND OLD LEE READS MILEY CYRUS

13. TWEETS.

14. ALRIGHT.

15. NOW I WANT TO SAY THIS UPFRONT.

16. I FOUND THAT FIRST VIDEO VERY

17. UPSETTING.

18. MAY I PLEASE SEE IT AGAIN?

19. CALM DOWN.

20. THEY'RE FOREIGNERS.

21. TURNS OUT THIS WAS A BROTHER AND

22. SISTER WHO WERE REENACTING A

23. SCENE FROM A PORTUGUESE MOVIE

24. AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHED

25. IT, INCLUDING MY FRIEND ANDRE,

26. WHO CERTAINLY DIDN'T THINK IT

27. WAS FUNNY.

28. AH, GOOD!

29. I WISH WE WOULD HAVE GOT IT

30. ON THE FIRST TAKE.

31. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER

32. TAKE WERE I SLAPPED HIM SO HARD

33. HE FORGOT HIS LINE.

34. AH, GOOD!

35. DON'T FEEL TOO BAD FOR HIM.

36. HE MADE $267 FOR THAT AND A

37. MULE.

38. OKAY.

39. IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

40. LET'S NOT TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.

41. YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR

42. OPINION.

43. NO, YOU.

44. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW.

45. SPEAKING OF FAMILIES, IT'S TIME

46. FOR THE PIC OF THE WEEK.

47. THIS IS A PHOTO OF TWO PEOPLE

48. THAT DECIDED TO CHRISTEN THE NEW

49. DALLAS FOOTBALL STADIUM BY

50. MAKING A BABY ON THE BATHROOM

51. FLOOR.

52. LET'S SEE HOW MANY COMMENTS WE

53. CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.

54. LOOKS LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON IS

55. GETTING BACK AT SOMEONE.

56. I HOPE HE PUT DOWN ONE OF THOSE

57. PROTECTIVE SEAT COVERS FIRST.

58. I GET IT, HE'S THE STAR IN THE

59. CRAPPER WHILE ROMO TAKES A

60. ON THE FIELD.

61. THAT'S NOT THE REAL MICHAEL

62. IRVIN.

63. I DON'T SEE ANY COCAINE AND

64. MICHAEL NEVER LINES UP IN THE

65. SLOT.

66. THE COUPLE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE

67. THEY WERE CAPTURED BY THE

68. MASSIVE COWBOY'S STADIUM HUMP

69. CAM.

70. SEE, CAUSE MOST STADIUMS HAVE A

71. KISS CAM, BUT EVERYTHING'S

72. BIGGER IN TEXAS, SO THEY HAVE

73. THE HUMP CAM.

74. WHAT IS THAT, 1080I?

75. THAT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR.

76. ALRIGHT.

77. LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU

78. GOOGLE "YOUNG ASIAN GIRL PLAYS

79. HIDE-AND-SEEK."

80. ONE, TWO, THREE.

81. HERE I COME.

82. ACCORDING TO MY UNCLE, THE

83. ASIANS HE LOOKED FOR IN 'NAM,

84. NOT THIS EASY TO FIND.

85. I WANT TO PLAY.

86. I'M IT.

87. ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO

88. MISSISSIPPI, THREE MISSISSIPPI,

89. READY OR NOT, HERE I COME.

90. LING-LING.

91. WHERE THE — ARE YOU?

92. LING-LING!

93. LING-LING, WHERE THE — ARE YOU?

94. LING-LING!

95. THERE YOU ARE.

96. YOU'RE A GOOD HIDER.

97. THANK GOODNESS I FOUND HER

98. BECAUSE DADDY NEEDS A NEW PAIR

99. OF SHOES AND GOOD HELP IS HARD

100. TO FIND FOR UNDER FIVE CENTS A

101. DAY.

102. THAT'S ALRIGHT.

103. THAT'S OKAY.

104. I'M GOING TO WIN YOU BACK

105. BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME.

106. IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.

107. IT'S TIME FOR THE PERCOLATOR.

108. THAT'S A PEPSI.

109. PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS

110. HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES

111. AND PEOPLE WHO STAND ON GLASS

112. TABLES SHOULDN'T BE CHUNKY.

113. BESIDES, IKEA WARNS THEIR TABLES

114. ARE NOT MEANT FOR PERCOLATING.

115. IT SAYS IT RIGHT ON THE BOX.

116. IT SAYS, "DO NOT PERCOLATE."

117. BUT SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GET UP

118. THERE AND START PERCOLATING.

119. ALRIGHT.

120. WHAT'S NEXT?

121. GET A REBOUND.

122. NOT ONE PERSON CRASHED THE

123. BOARDS.

124. ALRIGHT.

125. LET'S RESET THE SHOT CLOCK AND

126. TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THIS KID

127. DUNKED HIMSELF IN THIS WEEK'S

128. BREAKDOWN.

129. YOU NEVER SEE RICH PEOPLE WITH

130. TRAMPOLINES.

131. IT'S LIKE AN ABOVE-GROUND POOL.

132. IT'S JUST NOT AN UPSCALE PIECE

133. OF LAWN FURNITURE.

134. HEY, AT LEAST THEY SPRUNG FOR

135. THE SAFETY NET.

136. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

137. THESE

138. KIDS COULD START DOUBLE-BOUNCING

139. THE OUT OF EACH OTHER.

140. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

141. WHAT A DOUBLE BOUNCE IS, IT'S

142. THE TRAMPOLINE EQUIVALENT OF A

143. SPEEDBALL.

144. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

145. WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS, IT'S WHAT

146. KILLED JOHN BELUSHI.

147. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

148. WHO JOHN BELUSHI IS, HE'S JIM

149. BELUSHI'S BROTHER.

150. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW

151. WHO JIM IS, HE'S THE GUY FROM

152. "ACCORDING TO JIM."

153. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T

154. WATCH "ACCORDING TO JIM,"

155. CONGRATULATIONS.

156. OH, WOW IS HE UP THERE.

157. SOMEBODY JUST CAUGHT FIRE NBA

158. JAM STYLE.

159. SAVOR THE MOMENT, SCOTTY SKILES,

160. 'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TO TURN SOUR.

161. THAT'S A TECHNICAL FOUL.

162. GET OFF THE RIM.

163. YEAH.

164. SUCK IT, VINCE CARTER.

165. DANGLING BY YOUR ELBOW, DOESN'T

166. SEEM LIKE SUCH A BIG DEAL

167. ANYMORE.

168. HMM.

169. IT HURTS TO HEAR.

170. THIS IS WHERE HE AND HIS TORN

171. ACL COULD LEARN A LESSON FROM

172. SASCHA.

173. JUST DISTRIBUTE THE BALL, SET

174. SOME SCREENS, AND DRAW DEFENDERS

175. OUT OF THE LANE SO REAL PLAYERS

176. CAN PUT ON THE SHOW.

177. AND WHY IS HE CRYING LIKE NANCY

178. KERRIGAN?

179. YOU'RE WHITE.

180. YOU DON'T GET TO DUNK.

181. AND I HATE TO POINT THIS OUT,

182. BUT THE BLACK GUY'S RUNNING

183. AWAY.

184. AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?

185. NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME FROM

186. A BLACK GUY STANDING OVER A

187. CRYING WHITE KID.

188. AH, AT LEAST THE CAMERA GUY WAS

189. ABLE TO STOP LAUGHING LONG

190. ENOUGH TO PUT THIS SPORTSCENTER

191. HIGHLIGHT ONLINE, AND FOR THAT,

192. WE THANK YOU.

193. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE

194. BACKYARD WRESTLER'S WEB

195. REDEMPTION, BUT FIRST, IN HONOR

196. OF MILEY CYRUS TRAGICALLY

197. DELETING HER TWITTER ACCOUNT,

198. HERE'S OLD LEE READING SOME OF

199. HER FINAL TWEETS.

200. NIGHT WILL FOLLOW DAY, SURE

201. AS THE SUN AND MOON.

202. REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH

203. YOU.

204. JUST FOLD YOUR HANDS AND PRAY

205. AND I AM BESIDE YOU.

206. REGARDING MY LAST TWEET.

207. YES, IT WAS ABOUT A BOY.

208. THE ONE WHO NEVER LETS ME DOWN.

209. THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES ME

210. SMILE.

211. MY PAPPY.

212. OLD, SCHOOL, BABY.

213. THAT'S GOT TO BE PAIN.

214. HE WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME OUT

215. THERE.

216. IT'S HARDCORE MAT.

217. I'M GOING PARTYING WITH THIS

218. MAN LATER.

219. ME AN THIS GUY.

220. WE'RE GETTING — WITH HOOKERS.

221. THERE HE GOES.

222. MY GOD!

223. OH MY.

224. I HOPE THEY WERE STILL ABLE TO

225. GO OUT AND HOOKERS.

226. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT URINE

227. SOAKED MATTRESS PROVIDED ENOUGH

228. CUSHION.

229. HAD IT BEEN A TEMPUR-PEDIC, HE

230. COULD'VE PULLED THAT MOVE OFF

231. AND NOT SPILLED HIS GLASS OF

232. WINE.

233. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT

234. WRESTLING'S FAKE.

235. FAKE MY ASS.

236. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME SERGEANT

237. SLAUGHTER'S NOT A REAL SERGEANT?

238. MR. PERFECT'S NOT REALLY

239. PERFECT?

240. RAVISHING RICK RUDE ISN'T

241. RAVISHING?

242. BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW HE

243. IS.

244. THERE'S NOT A WOMAN IN THE WORLD

245. THAT WOULDN'T LOVE TO GET

246. PLUCKED OUT OF THE AUDIENCE AND

247. BE FRENCHED BY THIS GUY.

248. I LOVE WRESTLING AND NOT THAT

249. HORRIBLE OLYMPICS.

250. REAL WRESTLING.

251. IT'S ABOUT SHOWMANSHIP AND

252. TIGHTS.

253. IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH JUST TO BE

254. A GREAT TECHNICIAN.

255. IF IT WERE, THEN ARN ANDERSON

256. WOULD BE THE MOST FAMOUS

257. WRESTLER IN THE WORLD.

258. YEAH.

259. THAT'S RIGHT.

260. ARN ANDERSON.

261. I'M CALLING YOU OUT, ARN

262. ANDERSON!

263. ON THE OTHER HAND, LOOK AT THE

264. HULKSTER.

265. HE GOT A MILLION HULKAMANIACS TO

266. TRAIN, SAY THEIR PRAYERS, AND

267. EAT THEIR VITAMINS.

268. THEY DIDN'T DO IT BECAUSE OF HIS

269. LEG DROP.

270. THEY DID IT BECAUSE HULK

271. LISTENED TO HIS AUDIENCE, MOSTLY

272. BY DOING THIS.

273. UNFORTUNATELY, THE HULKSTER GAVE

274. US BROOKE HOGAN.

275. AND WHILE I'M NOT SURE WHAT

276. GENDER SHE IS, I THINK IT'S TIME

277. HOGAN MADE A DECISION.

278. POINT IS, PRO WRESTLING INSPIRES

279. PEOPLE TO CHASE THEIR DREAMS.

280. SO WE CUT THE GRASS, IGNORED THE

281. LAWYERS AND FLEW THE BACKYARD

282. WRESTLING KID OUT TO THE TOSH.0

283. YARD, TO SEE IF HE WAS UP FOR

284. THE REMATCH IN THIS WEEK'S WEB

285. REDEMPTION.

286. WHOA!

287. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

288. WRESTLING?

289. PROBABLY ABOUT TWO YEARS.

290. DID YOU REALLY GET HURT IN.

291. A LITTLE BIT.

292. DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

293. NO, NO HOSPITAL.

294. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT FOR

295. NECK INJURIES.

296. IS WRESTLING A FAKE?

297. I CAN'T ANSWER THAT.

298. YOUR MOVE WAS REAL?

299. YEAH.

300. THAT IS AN ACTUAL MOVE AND TAKES

301. LOTS OF PRACTICE.

302. DID YOU PRACTICE IT?

303. NO.

304. THAT WAS THE FIRST ATTEMPT.

305. FIRST ATTEMPT?

306. YEAH.

307. HAVE YOU DONE THAT MOVE SINCE

308. THAT DAY?

309. I HAVE NOT.

310. BEFORE YOUR MATCH, WE NEED TO

311. FOCUS ON TRAINING.

312. ALL RIGHT.

313. LET'S DO IT.

314. DONE.

315. OH!

316. BREATHE IN.

317. YEAH.

318. FIRST THING I'M GOING TO SHOW

319. YOU IS A SLAP.

320. I'M GOING TO GRAB YOU HIKE THIS

321. AND FLIP YOU OVER.

322. BODY SLAM.

323. BODY SLAM?

324. THIS IS THE ONE EVERYBODY

325. LIKES TO DO.

326. OKAY.

327. COME IN.

328. WHOA!

329. PUT MY MIC DOWN.

330. REMEMBER THAT MOVE?

331. OH, YEAH.

332. I REMEMBER THAT MOVE.

333. LET'S GO OVER THAT.

334. I'LL SHOW YOU.

335. DO YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM?

336. WHOA!

337. ARGH.

338. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

339. YOU KNOW WHO MY FAVORITE

340. WRESTLER WAS?

341. RAVISHING RICK RUDE.

342. THERE IT IS.

343. LET'S ALL DO IT.

344. LET'S GO TOGETHER.

345. SCORPIO SAYS SO MUCH.

346. GOOD LUCK.

347. ALL RIGHT.

348. OH!

349. HI, THIS IS DANIEL TOSH

350. REPORTING LIVE.

351. READY FOR ANOTHER SHOT?

352. HECK YEAH.

353. READY, GO.

354. BACK TO YOU, BRODY STEPHENS.

355. THANK YOU.

356. BRODY STEPHENS REPORTING TO YOU

357. LIVE FROM THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

358. IN THE RED CORNER, THE PARTY

359. STARTER WEBBER.

360. OUT OF THE BLUE CORNER, FROM

361. PARTS UNKNOWN, PROBABLY MEXICO,

362. PUNT

363. PUNT

364. PUNTITO DIABLO.

365. YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

366. THAT'S A WARNING, DIABLO.

367. LET'S GET IT ON!

368. WE'RE UNDERWAY.

369. THEY'RE WRESTLING.

370. PUNTITO IN THE ROPES.

371. HE GETS AN AX HANDLE IN THE JAW.

372. HE ACTUALLY GOT AIR.

373. THERE'S A CHAIR IN THE RING.

374. OH, MY GOSH, THE REFEREE IS OUT

375. COLD.

376. WE NEED AN ICE PACK.

377. A SHOT TO THE FACE ON THE LITTLE

378. GUY.

379. HE'S STUNNED.

380. LEE PICKS HIM UP FOR A HUGE

381. SLAM.

382. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

383. LEE IS ATTEMPTING TO DO A SECOND

384. MOVE.

385. PEOPLE, THIS CONTINUE ONLY END

386. IN DISASTER.

387. I WISH I COULD TELL HIM TO STOP

388. IT, PLEASE.

389. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

390. LEE GOES IN FOR THE PIN,

391. HOOKS A LEG.

392. IT'S OVER.

393. LEE WINS!

394. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR

395. BACK YARD?

396. WE MAKE CHAMPIONS IN HIS BACK

397. YARD.

398. FYI, I'M STILL WEARING THE

399. SINGLET.

400. IT FEELS RIGHT.

401. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR

402. BRAND NEW FETISH, BUT FIRST,

403. HERE'S YOUR TOSH.0 TOILET BASED

404. PRANK OF THE WEEK.

405. WHAT DO YOU NEED?

406. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

407. I'M — .

408. THIS ONE IS COLD.

409. DON'T LAUGH.

410. THAT'S HOW 2PAC WAS KILLED.

411. EVERYONE KNOWS DROPPING A MENTOS

412. INTO DIET COKE TURNS THE BOTTLE

413. INTO A NERD-SEEKING MISSILE, BUT

414. WHAT IF YOU WERE TO CHUG TWO

415. LITERS AND EAT A MENTOS?

416. OOH!

417. DANIEL, IT'S NOT GOING TO

418. WORK.

419. IT'S REALLY WEIRD THAT SHE

420. DIDN'T STEP OUT OF THE WAY.

421. ALRIGHT.

422. WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

423. AA, OEW.

424. YOU SEE SOMEONE CLEANING THEIR

425. EAR WITH A Q-TIP.

426. I SEE AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE

427. LOTS, AND LOTS OF MONEY.

428. THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN

429. WATCHING SOMEONE SCRAPE WAX OUT

430. OF THEIR EARS.

431. THERE'S ALL KINDS OF FETISHES

432. OUT THERE.

433. THERE'S FOOT FETISHES, TICKLE

434. FETISHES, BUT NO ONE HAS

435. CORNERED THE MARKET ON Q-TIP,

436. UNTIL NOW.

437. I WENT TO ADULTCON, LA'S SECOND

438. LARGEST PORN CONVENTION, TO

439. CLEAN SOME EARS.

440. HI.

441. WE'RE HERE AT ADULTCON.

442. LIKE MOST OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS,

443. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BIGGER.

444. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF

445. Q-TIPPING?

446. CLEANING YOUR EARS?

447. YEAH.

448. IT'S MY NEW FETISH.

449. DO YOU USE Q-TIPS?

450. YEAH.

451. WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

452. DUSTING YOUR COMPUTER.

453. I'M A WATCHER.

454. HOW MANY Q-TIPS DO YOU THINK

455. YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR EAR?

456. MAYBE FIVE.

457. THAT SOUNDS SO SEXY.

458. THE MOST DEPRESSING PLACE ON THE

459. PLANET HAS TO BE THE FOOD COURT

460. AT ADULTCON.

461. WHO COMES HERE FOR THE — FOOD

462. COURT?

463. WELL, NOT WHAT YOU'RE

464. THINKING.

465. HOW DID THAT FEEL?

466. I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

467. IT WAS A ONE-TIME DEAL.

468. I'LL TAKE THAT.

469. PASS THAT ON TO YOU.

470. IS THIS LIKE A DNA SAMPLE?

471. YES.

472. WE'RE SERVING A WARRANT FOR YOU.

473. ALL RIGHT.

474. I'VE INTRODUCED Q-TIPPING TO THE

475. WORLD.

476. HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR IT.

477. I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND TAKE A

478. BATH IN PURELL AND KEROSENE AND

479. THEN I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

480. GREAT.

481. NOW ALL OF MY Q-TIPS HAVE AIDS.

482. BUT AT LEAST I GOT SOME GREAT

483. IDEAS FOR MY NEW WEBSITE,

484. QTIPPING.COM.

485. CHECK OUT QTIPPING.COM.

486. WE HAVE DOUBLE PENETRATION

487. QTIPS, EAR TO MOUTH AND OF

488. COURSE, LUBE COTTON.

489. GO TO OUR WEBSITE

490. COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.0 TO

491. SUBMIT ANYTHING Q-TIP RELATED.

492. AND WHILE YOU'RE THERE, UPLOAD

493. YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO

494. BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.

495. THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS

496. GOODNEIGHBORSTUFF.COM.

497. OH!

498. I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

499. I'M SORRY.

500. GUYS —

501. YEAH.

502. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON

503. THERE, DUDE.

504. WE WERE TRYING TO HAVE FUN.

505. SORRY.

506. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

507. I WAS SUPPOSED TO CHECK ON MY

508. E-MAILS BUT THIS CAME UP.

509. REALLY?

510. YEAH, OF COURSE, MAN.

511. OH!

512. WHAT IS THIS, LIKE FUNGI

513. SOMETHING?

514. YEAH.

515. THAT'S WEIRD.

516. OH!

517. HEY, MAN IF YOU — ARE YOU

518. GAME?

519. I'M GAME.

520. YOU KNOW THAT.

521. WHO ARE THESE GUYS, MAN?

522. THIS IS AWFUL.

523. WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

524. IF YOU COULD TELL ME.

525. WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?

526. WHAT?

527. THANKS GUYS.

528. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

529. "KROD MANDOON AND THE FLAMING

530. SWORD OF FIRE."

531. WELCOME BACK.

532. THAT ENERGY IS AUTHENTIC.

533. LAST WEEK I SHOWED YOU MY

534. INAPPROPRIATE MACHO MAN RANDY

535. SAVAGE IMPRESSIONS AND ASKED YOU

536. TO SEND IN SOME OF YOUR OWN.

537. WELL, HERE'S OUR FAVORITE.

538. I FEEL A LITTLE BIT OF

539. PRESSURE.

540. THIS GUY IS GOING TO FEEL IT

541. IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT WHEN

542. THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE DOES

543. IT.

544. OH, YEAH!

545. OH YEAH!

546. BE SURE TO JOIN US NEXT WEEK

547. WHEN WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS

548. FAN A WEB REDEMPTION.

549. THIS IS WHY YOU STOP NURSING

550. YOUR KIDS AFTER SIX MONTHS.

551. BEFORE WE GO, A MESSAGE TO YOU

552. GAMERS OUT THERE.

553. PLAYING THE WII IS NOT EXERCISE.

554. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY DROP

555. THE PRICE, IT'S STILL NOT GOING

556. TO OFFSET THE MEDICAL BILLS OR

557. THE ELECTRONICS YOU DESTROY

558. WHILE PLAYING IT.

559. OH!

560. OOH!

561. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

562. GOODNIGHT!