1. Thank you. Welcome to Tosh.0. This is our first show. And you're probably
expecting to be blown away right out of the box. Calm down.Copy !req
2. Give this show a chance to grow.
Did you ever see Seinfeld's first season?Copy !req
3. Okay, tonight we have comedian Dave Attell and adult film star Brie Olsen.
We also give the Afro Ninja a chance at web redemption.Copy !req
4. And if that's not enough, we also give Kato Kaelin a job.Copy !req
5. So let's get started. Are you like me? Do you lie awake
at night wondering how croutons are made?Copy !req
6. Looks like all those little piggies had roast beef.Copy !req
7. For those of you that don't know, this is called a crush video.
It's a very specific fetish.Copy !req
8. Don't believe me? Check Wikipedia. Or your creepy uncle.Copy !req
9. Alright, enough. This is disturbing.
It's like the Food Network's Adult Swim.Copy !req
10. Action, Colleen!Copy !req
11. Cheers, Matty. Just like the movie, we're getting
started here with the rock and roll.Copy !req
12. And cut. Perfect, Colleen.Copy !req
13. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I just broke
my face and deep-throated a 15-inch mic.Copy !req
14. I guess that's what I get for saying cheers.
Let's shoot it again.Copy !req
15. The thing I love is no one gives her a heads up.
She's the only one that doesn't see this coming.Copy !req
16. The entire crew knows what's happening, not a word.
Which leads me to believe Colleen is a bitch.Copy !req
17. Hey, at least they took the sick kid
out of the bubble first.Copy !req
18. Ahhh!Copy !req
19. That is my favorite forwarded photo.
Has anyone seen Judy?Copy !req
20. No.Copy !req
21. Oh, you're really up there, Judy?
Way to go!Copy !req
22. Let's see how many funny comments
we can post in 20 seconds.Copy !req
23. She might as well be wearing her diploma.Copy !req
24. Hey, look, it's a Horeo.Copy !req
25. You're getting a tan on your... okay.Copy !req
26. She would have gotten second place if there
had been a five-way tie for first.Copy !req
27. Reese Witherspoon is going to be mad at her agent.Copy !req
28. That was a long, quiet drive back to Sioux Falls.Copy !req
29. I only had one more. Where's the Mormon?Copy !req
30. Sad news today on Twitter.Copy !req
31. I found out Courtney Love might be using again.
She didn't say it exactly.Copy !req
32. Here's what she said.Copy !req
33. I can read between the lines.Copy !req
34. Looks like Courtney may need some help.Copy !req
35. And we've all lost our way from time to time.
I know I have.Copy !req
36. And when I do, I turn to the farting preacher.Copy !req
37. Hello! You have to press in.
You have to press on. You have to go on.Copy !req
38. Start is great, Proverbs says, but finishing is better.Copy !req
39. Finish what you start.Copy !req
40. Oh, you are so full of wisdom.Copy !req
41. I've been to a few of his sermons.
They're really powerful.Copy !req
42. But you need to get there early.
Those back pews fill up quick.Copy !req
43. What's that noise?Copy !req
44. It's a contrabass saxophone.
That was my second guess.Copy !req
45. Or as it's more commonly known, the horn of abstinence.Copy !req
46. I'd like to see the chick from American Pie
stick that in her flute box.Copy !req
47. You know where this music would sound perfect?Copy !req
48. Oh, I'm getting horny.Copy !req
49. Looks like Hillary Clinton knows how to party.Copy !req
50. I know, she's so 2000 and late.Copy !req
51. All right, give me something cute to look at quick.Copy !req
52. I'm not feline so well.Copy !req
53. I think I'll take a cat nap.Copy !req
54. Oh, Mr. Saget, you have still got it.Copy !req
55. But this is Comedy Central, and we can
get a little edgier with our animal clips.Copy !req
56. We were told to push it.Copy !req
57. Talk about trunking the junk.Copy !req
58. Listen for the children.Copy !req
59. Wait for it. Who's hungry?Copy !req
60. And now I have a new favorite exhibit at the zoo.Copy !req
61. I'm sorry, pandas.Copy !req
62. Okay, who's ready to witness a world record?
Sit back and be amazed.Copy !req
63. This one comes to us from Denmark.Copy !req
64. Don't worry, he is fine.
Probably. I don't care.Copy !req
65. Now let's take a closer look at this
whiff by whiff in this week's Breakdown.Copy !req
66. All right, play it back.Copy !req
67. And stop.Copy !req
68. Rough start, but that one could have
broken when it hit the ground.Copy !req
69. Let's count it. Go forward just a little bit.Copy !req
70. Okay, stop.Copy !req
71. Right there. Can we see that
last chop one more time?Copy !req
72. Solid contact. Finally.Copy !req
73. Right now he's thinking, okay,
that hurt a lot.Copy !req
74. But it's good to get that out of the way.
No more hitting the beam.Copy !req
75. Keep going.Copy !req
76. Okay, starting now. No more beam.Copy !req
77. Good news!Copy !req
78. He hit a coconut. Bad news?
Coconuts are hard as shit.Copy !req
79. And that hairline fracture is now a full-onCopy !req
80. broken hand. Luckily, he's in the home stretch.Copy !req
81. Only 93 coconuts left.
This guy is a strong finisher.Copy !req
82. Okay, I don't speak Danish, but I assumeCopy !req
83. she's saying, what the hell was that?Copy !req
84. Last night at the bar,
you said this would be no problem.Copy !req
85. I asked if you thought you could chop
10 coconuts in under a minute. You said,Copy !req
86. make it 100.Copy !req
87. Lady, take it easy on him.Copy !req
88. He came up a little bit short.
By my count, around 99 coconuts.Copy !req
89. And for that, we at Tosh.0 thank you.
We'll be right backCopy !req
90. with the Afro Ninja. Play us off, Keyboard Kato.Copy !req
91. Afro Ninja.Copy !req
92. Master of the three-quarters back flip.Copy !req
93. And poster boy for blown opportunities.
He's not alone.Copy !req
94. Who hasn't at some point in their lives
wished they had a second chance?Copy !req
95. To unscrew the country.Copy !req
96. To choose your words carefully.Copy !req
97. To duck.Copy !req
98. Or stop dating dirtbags. To wear a condom.Copy !req
99. Or to leave it at sugar tits.Copy !req
100. You don't think this guy wants a second chance?Copy !req
101. The first thing Michael Phelps should have done
when this photo found the internet was callCopy !req
102. Kobe Bryant's publicist. Because Kobe was accused of rapeCopy !req
103. while he was married, and all he had to do was
settle in civil court for an undisclosedCopy !req
104. huge amount, change his jersey number,
put up 40 points a night,Copy !req
105. and soulless Hollywood couldn't be prouder.Copy !req
106. Seriously. If you listen real close,
I can hear him across townCopy !req
107. chanting MVP as Kobe hogs the ball
and Luke Walton screamsCopy !req
108. I'm open!Copy !req
109. But is it fair that only the truly famous
should have a shot at redemption?Copy !req
110. I say no!Copy !req
111. So I went out and found the man known simply
as Afro Ninja for our very firstCopy !req
112. web redemption.Copy !req
113. Can the Afro Ninja come out and play?Copy !req
114. I feel better knowing now that
you're a professional stuntman.Copy !req
115. Basically the stuntman's version of Oscar.Copy !req
116. You got three Oscars in 2002.
Stop that Julia Roberts, you horse face.Copy !req
117. Oh, no. No, no, that's a lot more than 65.Copy !req
118. Yeah, that's close to 140. 140?Copy !req
119. Yeah, those are 140. That's official.Copy !req
120. - Does your wife know your true identity as the Afro Ninja?
- She does. She does.Copy !req
121. - I got one more. I got one more.
- You got one more?Copy !req
122. - How's my technique?
- Had you ever done a backflip before that?Copy !req
123. Yes.Copy !req
124. Was it just a bad day?Copy !req
125. After leaving that audition, did you feel
positive about landing that role? Be honest.Copy !req
126. - I got the part.
- With that audition, you landed it?Copy !req
127. I think the bag's had enough.Copy !req
128. That video's going to live forever, isn't it?Copy !req
129. I think that's what I'll be known for
at the end of my career.Copy !req
130. - I assume you know the grape-stomping lady.
- The grape-stomping lady?Copy !req
131. Oh!Copy !req
132. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever met her?
- I never met her. That's a shame.Copy !req
133. She really got hurt, though.
The world is waiting. The world wants to know.Copy !req
134. - Are you ready to give it another shot?
- I think so.Copy !req
135. For the record, our feet have never
touched under the water.Copy !req
136. Okay. The moment of truth.
I've got your nunchucks.Copy !req
137. - Thank you.
- Is there anything I can do for you?Copy !req
138. - No, I'm good, man. No, you're fine, man.
- I'm far enough away?Copy !req
139. - I'm nervous.
- No, don't be.Copy !req
140. But I've seen them when this doesn't go so well.Copy !req
141. You want to say a prayer?
Take a knee? Hungry?Copy !req
142. All is good. All is good.Copy !req
143. Everyone deserves a second chance.
It was beautiful.Copy !req
144. God, that was beautiful.Copy !req
145. I don't care how many times I see that.Copy !req
146. Who doesn't love a happy ending?
Sure, it's an extra $45.Copy !req
147. But you sleep like a baby.Copy !req
148. Not to steal a sunder, but when given the opportunity,
I don't need a second chance.Copy !req
149. One and done, my friends. Okay.Copy !req
150. We'll be right back with Dave Attell and Brie Olson.Copy !req
151. Is that Mary Kate's sister?Copy !req
152. Oh, no, I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
153. He made eating a tablespoon of cinnamon look easy.Copy !req
154. The Internet is full of challenges.Copy !req
155. And I was told they're all impossible.
Impossible?Copy !req
156. That's not a word I'm familiar with.Copy !req
157. Hi, I'm about to do the cinnamon challenge.Copy !req
158. And the story is going to be very interesting.Copy !req
159. I'm going to do the saltine cracker challenge.Copy !req
160. All in under one minute, while on salvia.Copy !req
161. And if there's time, I'm also going to karate chop 100 coconuts.Copy !req
162. 60 seconds on the clock.Copy !req
163. But first, I need to take a hit of my salvia.Copy !req
164. You want to hold that in for about 20 seconds.Copy !req
165. Or until your eyes start to vibrate.Copy !req
166. That's it!Copy !req
167. Fuck.Copy !req
168. Crack it.Copy !req
169. .Copy !req
170. It can't be funny.Copy !req
171. .Copy !req
172. .Copy !req
173. .Copy !req
174. .Copy !req
175. Honestly, I have to say that
I did not smoke any salvia.Copy !req
176. But on the real, I'll tweet the deets later.Copy !req
177. Tweet the deets?Copy !req
178. Now it's time for our celebrity video.Copy !req
179. Please welcome comedian Dave Attell.Copy !req
180. Hey!Copy !req
181. That's me.Copy !req
182. Dan, how are you?Copy !req
183. Hey Dave, how are you?Copy !req
184. Thanks for having me on your webcast.Copy !req
185. This is actually a real TV show.Copy !req
186. Oh. Right.Copy !req
187. Hey, I heard you mastered a new sport.Copy !req
188. Well, of course, everyone knows beer pong
is the new ultimate fighting.Copy !req
189. So I, you know, decided to get involved.Copy !req
190. Okay, some of you might not know,
beer pong has gotten pretty elaborate on the internet.Copy !req
191. Hey, so I'm told you played beer pong
against porn superstar Brie Olsen.Copy !req
192. Thank you. I think.Copy !req
193. No worries. Thanks, Dan.Copy !req
194. Alright, check this out, guys.Copy !req
195. It's Dave and Brie's beer pong...Copy !req
196. uh...Copy !req
197. orgy.Copy !req
198. It's game time.Copy !req
199. Off the table, in the glass.Copy !req
200. Let's rock them.Copy !req
201. Not bad.Copy !req
202. That's my childhood sippy cup.Copy !req
203. This one I call Stairway to Heaven.Copy !req
204. It's off the wall, over the light,
graze up a dissonant pot plant, and then into the cup.Copy !req
205. Now watch Daddy work.Copy !req
206. Um, ladies first.Copy !req
207. Get outside, Dave.Copy !req
208. Anyway, this next one's kind of simple,
yet incredibly difficult.Copy !req
209. Just getting it in the cup.Copy !req
210. Down there.Copy !req
211. Six degrees starboard.Copy !req
212. Okay, okay, enough, enough.Copy !req
213. That was completely unairable, Dave.Copy !req
214. And for the record, I found it a little distasteful.Copy !req
215. But if you want to see a less censored version
of that clip, go to ComedyCentral.com/Tosh.0.Copy !req
216. And if you want to see Brie Olsen completely naked,
go to any other website.Copy !req
217. Hey, and while you're at our site, please feel free
to upload your video, but please read the rules.Copy !req
218. Keep them short.Copy !req
219. That's really the only rule we have.Copy !req
220. Somebody sent me a nine minute video about
a bride and groom who broke into a funny dance.Copy !req
221. Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
222. I drove to his house, sat in traffic for two hours,
just to tell him, I don't have this kind of time.Copy !req
223. Okay, our viewer video this week
comes from Generation Awesome.Copy !req
224. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
225. Annoying!Copy !req
226. We'll be right back with more show.Copy !req
227. I need someone to dry my placenta.Copy !req
228. I have read a lot about how great
it is to eat your placenta.Copy !req
229. Unfortunately, I don't have a story.Copy !req
230. I don't have a strong enough stomach,
so it was recommended to me that I dry it out.Copy !req
231. Please email me why you'd be willing
to do this and how much you would charge.Copy !req
232. So soon?Copy !req
233. Thank you for watching my show.Copy !req
234. And please continue to watch
for at least the next ten weeks.Copy !req
235. And not for selfish reasons, but because this show employs
a lot of people that shouldn't have jobs.Copy !req
236. If you want to see all the clips in their entirety
from this show, and clips and jokes,Copy !req
237. Comedy Central wouldn't let us put on TV,
go to our website, ComedyCentral.com/Tosh.0.Copy !req
238. And your homework assignment for the week?Copy !req
239. Take keyboard Kato and spread them around.Copy !req
240. By the way, next week's web redemption,
Miss Teen South Carolina.Copy !req
241. You remember her, such as maps.Copy !req
242. The world wants to know, are you ready
to give it another shot?Copy !req
243. I think so.Copy !req
244. Okay, then give me your gum.Copy !req
245. .Copy !req
246. .Copy !req
247. .Copy !req
248. .Copy !req
249. Fuck this up.Copy !req
250. And I leave you with the most unfortunate
domain name of the week,Copy !req
251. from the Royal Bank of Scotland,
and their website, NIG.com.Copy !req
252. Hey boss! RoyalBankofScotland.com is taken!Copy !req
253. Okay thanks! Just go with NIG!Copy !req
254. If you're offended by that joke, it's okay.Copy !req
255. I have a friend that I'm pretty sure is Scottish,
and he said it's fine.Copy !req
256. Thanks for coming out, you guys.Copy !req
257. I appreciate it.Copy !req
258. That's it, we'll see you next week. Good night!Copy !req
259. This one I... Does Mythbusters know about that?Copy !req
260. What's going to come out of this end?Copy !req
261. So, do you think you can top that?Copy !req
262. Well, I didn't crust wipe my hole for nothing.Copy !req
263. Uh, do I think I can top it?Copy !req
264. Do you think you can top it?Copy !req
265. No.Copy !req