1. Torchwood.Copy !req
2. Outside the government, beyond the police.Copy !req
3. Tracking down alien life on Earth
and arming the human race against the future.Copy !req
4. The 21 st century is when everything changes.Copy !req
5. And you've gotta be ready.Copy !req
6. The speed of light is
299,792,458 metres per second.Copy !req
7. Pain travels through the body
at 350 feet per second.Copy !req
8. Even a sneeze can reach 100 miles per hour.Copy !req
9. And as for life, well, that just bloody whizzes by.Copy !req
10. So then, this is me,Copy !req
11. Eugene Jones.Copy !req
12. Hey, Gwen, Jack, er... Tosh,Copy !req
13. the guys at the rope just let me through, so...Copy !req
14. I'd say at least 50 miles per hour.Copy !req
15. Travelled on the bonnet, bounced, maybe rolled,
smashed his face on the road.Copy !req
16. Eh? Uh, excuse me, but that looks a lot like me.Copy !req
17. Couldn't even cross the road
without messing it up.Copy !req
18. No bag, nothing. I mean, what was he doing here?Copy !req
19. Perhaps he was hit deliberately.
Maybe he really did have something important.Copy !req
20. - Like what?
- I don't know.Copy !req
21. He was always trying to talk to us, show us stuff.Copy !req
22. - Perhaps we shouldn't have been so...
- Gwen, I think it's just an ordinary RTA.Copy !req
23. - Guys,
- It was a red car.Copy !req
24. There's red paint under his fingernails.Copy !req
25. Am I dead?Copy !req
26. Am I dead?Copy !req
27. Am I dead?Copy !req
28. - Yes?
- Hello, love.Copy !req
29. I've just been to the shops and forgot tea bags.Copy !req
30. - Hello? Eugene?
- Hi, Mrs Jones.Copy !req
31. Something's happened. We need to talk to you.Copy !req
32. What happened? How did I end up here?Copy !req
33. I mean, I'm dead? But I'm not dead. So, shit...Copy !req
34. So, what, am I a ghost or a zombie?Copy !req
35. Oh, God. Right, calm.Copy !req
36. Gwen?
- Yeah?Copy !req
37. - Stick with the team.
- What? You're driving.Copy !req
38. This is Torchwood, it's gonna be okay.Copy !req
39. Oh, what? Of course, I'm invisible.
Why am I invisible?Copy !req
40. Anything on his phone from today?
- Just some pictures of random shoes.Copy !req
41. Mind you, it feels kind of familiar.Copy !req
42. You know what?
Whatever's happened, all of a sudden,Copy !req
43. I'm somewhere I've always wanted to be.Copy !req
44. Let's back up a bit.
I mean, every story's got a beginning.Copy !req
45. I think mine began here.Copy !req
46. The final of the
Interschool Maths Competition, 1992.Copy !req
47. I used to be a maths-head.Copy !req
48. Binary coding, topology, quadratics,
I loved stuff like that,Copy !req
49. and I'm supposed to be really good at it.Copy !req
50. and Rushmore, a mountainous 42.Copy !req
51. So, we congratulate the winning team, Rushmore...Copy !req
52. Dad took the day off work
to come and see me,Copy !req
53. but when the moment mattered, I blanked.Copy !req
54. Let the side down, made a mess of it.Copy !req
55. See ya.Copy !req
56. Everyone blamed me for losing the final.Copy !req
57. Useless.Copy !req
58. But it must have been what happened afterwards
that started this whole thing off.Copy !req
59. - Have you ever had a proper look at the collection?
- No, sir.Copy !req
60. - Would you like to?
- No, sir.Copy !req
61. - I play golf.
- Oh, good, sir.Copy !req
62. I play golf, and one day,
when I was playing really badly,Copy !req
63. I was stuck in the first bunker
whacking away at all the sandCopy !req
64. and this fell out of the sky,
and landed, plop, beside me.Copy !req
65. - From the sky?
- Yeah.Copy !req
66. I mean, it looks a bit like a golf ball,
so I picked it up and put it in my pocket.Copy !req
67. But when I had a proper look later... Here.Copy !req
68. I realised it was an eye.Copy !req
69. I thought,
"Well, where could that have come from?"Copy !req
70. It fell from the sky. Isn't that amazing?Copy !req
71. Have it.Copy !req
72. Where the bloody hell have you been?Copy !req
73. - Good evening.
- Good evening.Copy !req
74. Come on, Eugene.Copy !req
75. Have you got everything?Copy !req
76. Yes, thanks, sir.Copy !req
77. I went to the school, didn't I?Copy !req
78. Dad was mad at me for losing the final.Copy !req
79. But now I had the eye, and what I realised was,Copy !req
80. if it fell from the sky, it probably... No.Copy !req
81. No, it almost certainly belonged to an alien.Copy !req
82. No! I'm off!Copy !req
83. That was the night dad went away.Copy !req
84. But it was okay because I had the eye
and the possibility of an alien encounter.Copy !req
85. I mean, if you leave
something really important behind,Copy !req
86. you come back and get it, don't you?Copy !req
87. God, I wanted that alien
to come back and claim his eyeCopy !req
88. more than I wanted anything in my life.Copy !req
89. I worked out the possible provenance,Copy !req
90. the life form and galaxy,
planetary escape velocities, launch windows,Copy !req
91. necessary fuel capacities and then I waited.Copy !req
92. My dad never came back.Copy !req
93. As I got older, I became interested in UFOs,
collected alien artefacts,Copy !req
94. watched the stars and waited alone for my alien.Copy !req
95. And then...Copy !req
96. - Hi, uh... Hi, um...
- I found you, Gwen Cooper.Copy !req
97. I'm Eugene Jones, and, um, I've...
I've a keen interest in your work,Copy !req
98. and, uh, I've got something to...
I'd just like to show...Copy !req
99. Hi.Copy !req
100. - Hi. Um...
Gwen, come on.Copy !req
101. - Okay, what are these... These...
- Look, I've got to go.Copy !req
102. Please, these...Copy !req
103. But I couldn't quite make contact.Copy !req
104. H mm. You again.Copy !req
105. Gwen, I've got this thing
I really need to show you.Copy !req
106. Sorry, that sounded...Copy !req
107. I couldn't get you interested in the eye,
no matter how hard I tried.Copy !req
108. Are you sure it's my Eugene?Copy !req
109. - Yes, Mrs Jones.
- Perhaps you couldn't really identify him.Copy !req
110. We could.Copy !req
111. That's his tea there.Copy !req
112. Shit!Copy !req
113. - What are we doing here?
- Look at this.Copy !req
114. Do you understand what's happened
to your brother, Terry?Copy !req
115. - Yep.
- What?Copy !req
116. He walked onto a road and got run over.Copy !req
117. - Where's your dad?
- He works for a big corporation in America.Copy !req
118. Gwen.Copy !req
119. That's pre-gorgon Pilurian currency.Copy !req
120. - I had them authenticated.
- Are these Roman coins?Copy !req
121. Hey, look, Rice Krispies.
Man, there are some rogues out there.Copy !req
122. Oh, hang on, there's something missing here.Copy !req
123. Mrs Jones, do you know what's missing
from Eugene's collection?Copy !req
124. Why didn't they stop?
They killed my boy and just drove on.Copy !req
125. Excuse me.Copy !req
126. I am sorry, Mrs Jones.Copy !req
127. Look, Mum, I'm sorry,Copy !req
128. but we've got the best team ever working on this.
Torchwood, me, top.Copy !req
129. We'll get it sorted, Mum.Copy !req
130. See, I think there's probably been some mistake.Copy !req
131. So, uh, so... I gotta go.Copy !req
132. I want to know what he last ate, where he'd been.Copy !req
133. Oh, wow.Copy !req
134. Oh, this is... This is...Copy !req
135. I am totally...
Christ Almighty, the head of Vexor Eleven.Copy !req
136. No way! And... Wow!Copy !req
137. A hand in a jar.Copy !req
138. - What was he doing out on that road?
- Oh, fuck knows. Categorizing chevrons.Copy !req
139. He was a geek.Copy !req
140. Oh, this is truly legendary.Copy !req
141. Gwen, he had a bit of a thing about you
and now you're feeling guilty.Copy !req
142. - Sod off, Owen.
- You do it, then.Copy !req
143. - I do it, the autopsy?
- Yes. I've got a stack of admin.Copy !req
144. Okay, good.Copy !req
145. - You're sure?
- Yes.Copy !req
146. - Really?
- Yes.Copy !req
147. I am in heaven.Copy !req
148. Am I?Copy !req
149. Is that...Copy !req
150. N umber three scalpel. Start at the sternum.
Piece of piss.Copy !req
151. Okay, here we go.Copy !req
152. This is also new to me,
but in an investigation like this...Copy !req
153. Okay, a red Vauxhall has been stopped
outside Caernarfon.Copy !req
154. Very drunk guy has admitted
knocking a man over near Cardiff,Copy !req
155. fits Eugene's description.Copy !req
156. The man says he thought he'd be okay
so he drove on.Copy !req
157. Ah, he was a sweet guy. That's very sad.Copy !req
158. Now, can we get on
with some proper work, please?Copy !req
159. Do you think Eugene committed suicide?Copy !req
160. It was a road accident
and there was no alien involved.Copy !req
161. See, I'm not so sure
because something seems really odd.Copy !req
162. I mean, I just...
I just feel that there's something going on.Copy !req
163. Marvellous. Thank you for that Disney moment.
Now, who's making the tea?Copy !req
164. Yeah, well, I suppose Eugene's a bit odd
and a real local and amateur for you, Owen.Copy !req
165. Now, why is it
that only Gwen seems to have a heart?Copy !req
166. Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed,
but the rest of us are human,Copy !req
167. and amazingly,
we still manage to get on with our jobs.Copy !req
168. - Okay, you two.
- Okay, fine. Leave it, forget it.Copy !req
169. I have.Copy !req
170. - Everything to do with it.
- Then why the hell did you have...Copy !req
171. Why do people behave like they do?Copy !req
172. Because they feel compelled. Because they...
They're tied by what they consider a...Copy !req
173. - Is that Eugene's DVD?
- No.Copy !req
174. Yes. It was on loan from a video store.Copy !req
175. - You were nicking his stuff?
- I was gonna take it back.Copy !req
176. - I'll do it.
- Suits me. There'll be a fine.Copy !req
177. - I'm gonna go for some lunch.
- All right.Copy !req
178. Hi. Do you know
when the video shop round the corner opens?Copy !req
179. - No. He's a law unto himself.
- Gwen?Copy !req
180. Gwen, what are you doing here?
This is my lunch cafe. This is where I come to...Copy !req
181. Do you know someone called Eugene Jones?Copy !req
182. - That's me, mate. That's me.
- Middle height, sandy hair, ordinary-looking.Copy !req
183. No. What can I do you for, love?Copy !req
184. I come in here every day.
Two eggs, ham and chips, every day.Copy !req
185. Two eggs, ham and chips, please.Copy !req
186. So... So... Wow, this is so weird.Copy !req
187. I used to follow you around.Copy !req
188. Now you're following me. Yeah.Copy !req
189. No, you see, I don't know whose those are.Copy !req
190. I can't remember anything except...Copy !req
191. Phone Gary, he might know something.
Phone Gary.Copy !req
192. Phone Gary. Phone Gary.Copy !req
193. Hi, this is Gary.
Please leave a message.Copy !req
194. Hi, my name is Gwen Cooper.Copy !req
195. I have some very bad news for you, Gary.Copy !req
196. - I'll give you a call back later.
- That is so beautiful.Copy !req
197. But these ancient creatures
have had their day.Copy !req
198. All over these lush, fern prairiesCopy !req
199. a grim evolutionary battle has broken out
among the newer types of reptile.Copy !req
200. - Hello.
- Hey, gorgeous.Copy !req
201. - Want to borrow a dream?
- No, thank you.Copy !req
202. I want to return some DVDs
on behalf of someone who's deceased.Copy !req
203. - Deceased? No shit. That's pretty final.
- Eugene Jones?Copy !req
204. Hey, I think he used to come in here, with a mate.
Bit of a dreamer.Copy !req
205. - Kind of...
- Irresistible?Copy !req
206. - Ordinary-looking.
- Yeah.Copy !req
207. - He was killed in a road accident.
- That's bad. Sweet guy.Copy !req
208. £34, please.Copy !req
209. - £34?
- £34?Copy !req
210. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
211. He's had them out ages.
I haven't seen him in months.Copy !req
212. I don't think I can bend the rules
just 'cause he's dead.Copy !req
213. - Breadhead bastard. Sorry, Gwen.
- That's okay.Copy !req
214. Did he...Copy !req
215. Did he... Did he "walk into oncoming traffic?"Copy !req
216. See, lot a people come in here.Copy !req
217. They don't want to be themselves any more.
They want to be someone else.Copy !req
218. They want me to transport them.Copy !req
219. - How about you, baby?
- Oh, leave it out.Copy !req
220. - I'm fine, thank you. How about you?
- Me? I'm out of here.Copy !req
221. Moving to London in a couple of months.
You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
222. You see, no disrespect,
but Eugene had loser written through himCopy !req
223. like Brighton in a stick of rock.Copy !req
224. Maybe he just couldn't live with his... failure.Copy !req
225. You wanna write the cheque?Copy !req
226. Failure. Is that right?
Has my life just been one big failure?Copy !req
227. I mean, maybe I never quite lived up
to my early promises of maths geniusCopy !req
228. but that's because I was waiting for the alien
to collect his eye and change my life.Copy !req
229. And while I was waiting,
I joined Passmore Telesales.Copy !req
230. Oh, yes. This is all nauseatingly familiar.Copy !req
231. Selling kitchens, home insurance, barbeque sets.
Selling life and still waiting.Copy !req
232. Jason, Kevin.Copy !req
233. The guy with the personal hygiene problem.
Nothing changes, really.Copy !req
234. Hi, Morag. Me and Morag used to go out.Copy !req
235. So, how come I can remember
the details of my fascinating daily lifeCopy !req
236. but the vital couple of weeks before I die
are still a complete mystery to me?Copy !req
237. - Are you Gary?
- Yeah, yeah. How do you... Oh, are you...Copy !req
238. Gwen, yes, I was just wondering
whether you saw Eugene the day he died?Copy !req
239. No. Sorry. Just doing a card, you know?Copy !req
240. "Good luck in your new job." He's dead!Copy !req
241. - No.
- Who's it for, then?Copy !req
242. - H is mum, you idiot!
- Shit.Copy !req
243. - Can you rub it out?
- It's in biro.Copy !req
244. People just don't understand.Copy !req
245. Don't worry, mate, it's okay.Copy !req
246. Is it true? He got run over?Copy !req
247. - Yeah.
- Oh, God.Copy !req
248. Sorry. I'm Linda. I'm the silver seller.Copy !req
249. It's all about belief, see?
If necessary, I am Kitchens for a Lifetime.Copy !req
250. Eugene was only ever himself.Copy !req
251. - He wasn't the best salesman, then?
- No.Copy !req
252. I think Craig kept him on
out of the goodness of his heart.Copy !req
253. Have you met Craig?Copy !req
254. Is he your boss? You two an item?Copy !req
255. A snog in the ladies at the Christmas party.Copy !req
256. But I can't really talk about it here
'cause of Craig's, you know, position.Copy !req
257. Do you want to meet at lunchtime for a chat?Copy !req
258. Okay. Where does Gary sit?Copy !req
259. - N umber 50.
- Okay, thank you. Thanks.Copy !req
260. - Owen.
- Gwen, Jack wants to know where you are.Copy !req
261. Yeah, sorry, I had a few things to sort out.
I'll be back later.Copy !req
262. Yeah, well, make it quick.Copy !req
263. - Well, one day Eugene came in very low.
- Why? Why was he low?Copy !req
264. He wouldn't talk about it.Copy !req
265. Anyway, I was fed up, too, 'cause Craig had...Copy !req
266. Well, anyway, I said I'd love to
get away from it all and go to Australia.Copy !req
267. And Eugene suddenly got very excited,
he said, "Yes. You've got to go."Copy !req
268. I said, " But I haven't got the money."
And he said he'd get it for me.Copy !req
269. So he was gonna pay for a ticketCopy !req
270. - for you to go to Australia with him?
- Mmm.Copy !req
271. - Was he in love with you?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
272. He loved someone who he said was unattainable.Copy !req
273. He was just trying to look after me.Copy !req
274. He said, " Don't stay here and waste your life
waiting for something that may never happen."Copy !req
275. - But where was he gonna get the money from?
- Exactly.Copy !req
276. You said, "You haven't bought
a new pair of socks in six years."Copy !req
277. I said, "You haven't even had
a new pair of socks in six years."Copy !req
278. He stood up, and he said...Copy !req
279. That's... That's your phone.Copy !req
280. - Yeah, he said?
- He said, "I'm going to sell it."Copy !req
281. I said, "What?"Copy !req
282. He said, "My alien artefact."Copy !req
283. - So...
- So?Copy !req
284. So, he brought it into work.Copy !req
285. It's a plastic eye.Copy !req
286. It's an alien body part,
and I'm gonna sell it on eBay.Copy !req
287. Eugene, it's very nice of you, but I don't think
that's gonna get me the bus into townCopy !req
288. let alone a flight to Sydney.Copy !req
289. Some people laughed.Copy !req
290. But he went ahead,
and, of course, it just sat there.Copy !req
291. She said, "Maybe a photo, you know,
bit more of a description." So...Copy !req
292. Then out of the blue, £2. 50,
a kid from Birmingham.Copy !req
293. And then...Copy !req
294. Eugene, you've got a couple more bids.Copy !req
295. Bloody hell. 75 quid.Copy !req
296. That was just the beginning.
200, 300, 1,000.Copy !req
297. It just kept on going up.Copy !req
298. £3,000 for a spare body part.Copy !req
299. Pete said you could get a bathroom suite
with a celebrity appearance for less than that.Copy !req
300. And then, one day it just jumped.Copy !req
301. Oh, my God, Eugene, you're rich!Copy !req
302. £15,005. 50.Copy !req
303. - So, who bought it?
- Who bought it?Copy !req
304. I've no idea. Is it all my fault?Copy !req
305. No, of course it's not.Copy !req
306. I'm sorry. Hello?Copy !req
307. - Hi, it's Eugene's mum.
- Mrs Jones.Copy !req
308. - There's something I think you should see.
- Okay, I'll come over.Copy !req
309. That was Eugene's mum.
I'm sorry, Linda, I'm gonna have to go. I'm sorry.Copy !req
310. There he is,
my son at the Interschool Maths Final.Copy !req
311. Big moment. Youngest contestant in Wales.Copy !req
312. So, it's down to the wire.
The last question will settle the final.Copy !req
313. What curve is represented by y-squared=4ax?Copy !req
314. Come on, Eugene.Copy !req
315. You got a brain the size of
Cardiff Arms Park. What's the frigging problem?Copy !req
316. What curve is represented by
y-squared=4ax?Copy !req
317. Don't do this. Don't let me down, boy.Copy !req
318. No, time's up. No additional points.Copy !req
319. The final scores are...Copy !req
320. I don't understand.
Someone gave him the eye as a consolation prize?Copy !req
321. Yeah, it was that Mr Garrett, the science teacher.Copy !req
322. A plastic eye as a consolation prize.
Still, Eugene treasured it.Copy !req
323. - That was the night dad walked out.
- Went away.Copy !req
324. - You can stop now, Mam.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
325. He's dead. He may have been able to square
the root of the square frigging rootCopy !req
326. - but he couldn't cross the frigging road.
- Terry, please!Copy !req
327. He sold the eye online.
So something must have happened.Copy !req
328. Dad left when he found out Eugene was a failure.
That's what Eugene always said.Copy !req
329. That's not true. None of that's true.Copy !req
330. He went 'cause of his job.Copy !req
331. - He has a very important job.
- Does Mr Jones know about Eugene?Copy !req
332. Well, you see, he works
for a big corporation in America.Copy !req
333. Stop giving us that shit. He's not Superman, Mam.Copy !req
334. He works at a garage on Filey Road.Copy !req
335. Eugene found him about two weeks ago.Copy !req
336. He found him on the Internet.
He's a cashier, works nights.Copy !req
337. Oh, God, now I remember why I sold the eye.Copy !req
338. Life can be such a letdown, can't it?Copy !req
339. All those years I'd believed my dad
had gone to America because I was a failure,Copy !req
340. and here he was all along, doing his important,
secret work in Filey Road, Cardiff.Copy !req
341. When I found him,
I couldn't even bear to say hello.Copy !req
342. I'd spent my life
believing in stupid stories, fantasies.Copy !req
343. I'd wasted my life.Copy !req
344. Once I'd seen him there,
everything I'd dreamed about was like rubbish,Copy !req
345. it was just a crock of shit, including the eye.Copy !req
346. So why not sell it?Copy !req
347. Along with the woodworm treatment
and loft insulationCopy !req
348. and all the other crap floating around the world.Copy !req
349. Linda was welcome to the money.
No! No, don't, Gwen!Copy !req
350. I don't want anything to do with him.Copy !req
351. - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.Copy !req
352. You turned your phone off.Copy !req
353. It was Eugene.Copy !req
354. He didn't understand why his father left.Copy !req
355. - He just needs a bit of help.
- To do what? He's dead.Copy !req
356. - Yes, Jack, I know he's dead, but...
- This is not sounding good, Gwen.Copy !req
357. - I've got work to do.
- Okay.Copy !req
358. Eh? No. You can't just stop.
I mean, what about the £15,000?Copy !req
359. - Gwen, Gwen...
- Okay, listen to this.Copy !req
360. Eugene had an alien eye in his collection.
He sold it online.Copy !req
361. What, like a Sixth Eye?Copy !req
362. - A Dogon Sixth Eye?
- Maybe.Copy !req
363. It's possible. There was a trade in them.Copy !req
364. - Who's got it?
- I don't know but I've nearly tracked it down.Copy !req
365. - What exactly is a Sixth Eye, I mean, exactly?
- It's one in the back.Copy !req
366. Let's you see behind you where you've been.Copy !req
367. Kind of puts things in perspective.Copy !req
368. It's useful, fun, slightly terrifying,
that's why they were in demand.Copy !req
369. - See? See, I told you.
- I can get it for you.Copy !req
370. My alien, see? See?Copy !req
371. Okay, you've got the weekend.Copy !req
372. - But keep your phone on.
- God, you are brilliant.Copy !req
373. And I'm brilliant, too. Oh, yeah, of course.Copy !req
374. Gary and me were gonna go
to that talk in Aberystwyth.Copy !req
375. Black holes and antimatter
were pretty important to me and Gary.Copy !req
376. But if I'm gonna spend a night by the sea,
I know who I'd rather be with.Copy !req
377. I'd trust you with my life
if, you know, I still had one.Copy !req
378. Gary.Copy !req
379. I'm not proud of what I've done.Copy !req
380. You hiked the bid?Copy !req
381. I created three or four online aliases
and used them to inflate the price.Copy !req
382. - But why?
- At first, just to cheer him up. He was miserable.Copy !req
383. Then the bidding took off and we got...
I mean, I was involved at first.Copy !req
384. I was just helping Eugene make money,
and then one morning...Copy !req
385. Gary.Copy !req
386. Gary.Copy !req
387. - I think it's him.
- Who?Copy !req
388. The alien. My alien.Copy !req
389. I think he's come back
to claim what's rightfully his.Copy !req
390. Gary, I'd stopped believing in him.
I mean, I thought I was a total sucker,Copy !req
391. but who else would be bidding
this kind of money for a prosthetic eye?Copy !req
392. I mean, he couldn't contact me
any other way, so...Copy !req
393. - So he chose eBay?
- Well, cyberspace.Copy !req
394. I mean, even an online auction
has a certain elegant symmetry.Copy !req
395. I think I'm finally gonna meet him.Copy !req
396. Well, I was doubtful at first, you know, and then
suddenly, out of nowhere, bam, £15,000.Copy !req
397. I mean, the bid jumped to a cool, cowing £15,000.Copy !req
398. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember us talking.Copy !req
399. - I thought it was £15,005. 50.
- Yeah, it was, yeah.Copy !req
400. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't spend that kind of moneyCopy !req
401. unless it was my own personal,
private body part or something.Copy !req
402. - Would you?
- No.Copy !req
403. - No.
- No way.Copy !req
404. I remember, yes, I waited a couple of days
and then I got an emailCopy !req
405. telling me to come to... Come to a restaurant.Copy !req
406. You saw Eugene the day he died, didn't you?Copy !req
407. Yeah, I met up with him
before he went to meet the alien.Copy !req
408. - I had a cup of coffee. He was scared.
- Was I? Course I was.Copy !req
409. So, he went to make the exchange.
£15,005. 50 for the eye, right?Copy !req
410. And this was somewhere on the A48, perhaps?Copy !req
411. - Or not.
- Or not?Copy !req
412. Eugene was very secretive.
Could have been in Splott.Copy !req
413. Splott?Copy !req
414. - That doesn't sound right, mate.
- Who are these people with you, Gary?Copy !req
415. Why would Eugene take a photo of your shoes?
And whose are the other shoes?Copy !req
416. They're just random shoes, I should think.Copy !req
417. I miss him.Copy !req
418. Yes, yes, I can remember. I called a taxi,
and then I put the eye in a freezer bag.Copy !req
419. And then there was... Yes. I was walking up
this road, going up towards, um...Copy !req
420. A shiny building with
a great door which said something about, um...Copy !req
421. Oh, something about, uh, happiness.Copy !req
422. Happiness. Happiness.Copy !req
423. I don't want you to find out what happened.Copy !req
424. I don't want this to end.Copy !req
425. I love you.Copy !req
426. I love you. I love you.Copy !req
427. I thought we were on holiday.Copy !req
428. Yes. Yes, this is it.Copy !req
429. We came up the hill and there it was.
There it was, the...Copy !req
430. The Happy Cook.Copy !req
431. Yeah, yeah, I walked towards the door
wondering who exactly I'd be meeting,Copy !req
432. excited, quite stressed, shitting myself, frankly.Copy !req
433. I opened the door. I walked inCopy !req
434. and saw...Copy !req
435. I've been looking for
a pair of shoes like that for ages.Copy !req
436. And saw...Copy !req
437. And saw... my mates.Copy !req
438. Hi, guys. Good to see you,
but I've got the rendezvous.Copy !req
439. - It's us.
- Yeah, I know, but he won't want a crowd.Copy !req
440. I'm meeting the buyer. I'm meeting the alien.Copy !req
441. We are the alien, man. We bought it.Copy !req
442. - What?
- Here.Copy !req
443. - What are you having?
- Um, I'll have a milkshake, thank you. Banana.Copy !req
444. Yeah. So, we are the official buyers.Copy !req
445. Can we see the merchandise?Copy !req
446. I don't quite know
what you're trying to tell me here.Copy !req
447. See, we did it as a joke to cheer you up.
I mean, we didn't think we'd be the actual buyers.Copy !req
448. Then he said you said
you thought it was the alien, and we thought,Copy !req
449. "Well, that's funny, innit?
Come on, Eugene, get real."Copy !req
450. But then we thought, " Let him dream, man.Copy !req
451. " Life's short and really boring."Copy !req
452. So, then we went on betting and then...Copy !req
453. You bid £15,000 for the eye?Copy !req
454. Not us. No, no way.
It turns out there was real interest.Copy !req
455. Someone else bid the 15 thou,
but then he got greedy.Copy !req
456. Ketchup, please.Copy !req
457. Just couldn't resist one more measly little bid.
£15,005. 50.Copy !req
458. And then, well, nothing. Nada. Endville.Copy !req
459. Okay, shut the fuck up, Gary.Copy !req
460. Point is, we bought it.Copy !req
461. We are the purchasers.Copy !req
462. Ta-da!Copy !req
463. So you've got £15,005. 50 on you, have you?Copy !req
464. - We've got £34.
- £34, Eugene.Copy !req
465. - That's not a poke in the eye, so to speak.
- I'm calling a cab.Copy !req
466. Hey, slow down.Copy !req
467. - Banana milkshake?
- Thank you.Copy !req
468. If it's all such a sodding joke,
why do you even want it?Copy !req
469. I got a friend with a visual impairment.Copy !req
470. You're gonna re-sell it online, aren't you?
You cheap little gits!Copy !req
471. - You know he's out there.
- Who's out there?Copy !req
472. The alien and he'll pay anything.
He'll pay anything.Copy !req
473. Eugene, man. I'm as partial as the next guy
to a bit of sci-fi but, what?Copy !req
474. A green geezer with six eyes? Get real, guy.Copy !req
475. I checked the bid history.Copy !req
476. Mr C Blackstaff is a collector of alien ephemera
and Nazi memorabilia.Copy !req
477. Also Beanie Babies.Copy !req
478. Teeny bit cuckoo but endearingly rich.Copy !req
479. And if he's willing to pay £15,000...Copy !req
480. Oi!Copy !req
481. - So, now they're inconveniencing customers.
- You stepped in?Copy !req
482. Well, I tried.Copy !req
483. I didn't really know
what the eye was any moreCopy !req
484. but I was damned if I was gonna let it go
for £34 and a banana milkshake.Copy !req
485. - Heimlich! Heimlich!
- What are you doing?Copy !req
486. Getting the goods, idiot! Get the milkshake!Copy !req
487. Well, that's just not acceptable behaviour,
not at a Happy Cook.Copy !req
488. They were making
a public spectacle of themselves.Copy !req
489. And that was it. He was out the door and gone.Copy !req
490. - Oh, my god. That is so weird.
- You bastards, you are so dead.Copy !req
491. I mean, Josh, you're just a dickhead,
but, Gary, we were... I mean, we were mates.Copy !req
492. - Hi, doll.
- Are you talking to me?Copy !req
493. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I don't know whether
you remember us from last week.Copy !req
494. - Yeah.
- Yeah, now the thing is,Copy !req
495. there may be people coming in to ask questions.Copy !req
496. - A woman specifically, and I think...
- Josh.Copy !req
497. it would be in your best interests if...Copy !req
498. - Shut up, Josh.
- The woman is complying, man.Copy !req
499. Okay. Cool.Copy !req
500. - What did you do that for, twat?
- I miss him.Copy !req
501. So, he ran out the door and you two ran after him?Copy !req
502. Yeah, we chased him across the car park,
but Eugene was quite fast.Copy !req
503. - Josh had new shoes. He was making a fuss.
- Hey, hey, you are overweight.Copy !req
504. He hared across the road and we lost him.
Honest to God.Copy !req
505. - Okay.
- That's it.Copy !req
506. Okay.Copy !req
507. All those cars.
All those lives moving through space.Copy !req
508. Hello? Can you give me the number
for Filey Garage, Filey Road, Cardiff, please?Copy !req
509. All that humanity whizzing by
in a frenzy of burgers and chips,Copy !req
510. bank holiday fun, burst tyres, screaming kidsCopy !req
511. - and sudden heart attacks.
- Put me through, thanks.Copy !req
512. Mr Jones?Copy !req
513. You don't know me,
but I'm a friend of your son, Eugene.Copy !req
514. I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.Copy !req
515. Now I remember.Copy !req
516. Apart from a buzzing in my ear
where Josh whacked me, I felt good.Copy !req
517. I was running across a field
on a Saturday morning.Copy !req
518. The smell of exhaust and banana milkshake,
a slight nausea,Copy !req
519. heart beating too fast 'cause I wasn't that fit.Copy !req
520. All the stuff that tells you, you're alive.Copy !req
521. By rights, I should be well pissed off.Copy !req
522. My mates had cheated on me
and I didn't get to meet any aliens.Copy !req
523. But I realised that when I swallowed the eye
at the Happy Cook,Copy !req
524. I was given a chance to look back on my life
and see it for what it really was.Copy !req
525. Gary, I'm gonna miss you.Copy !req
526. Not the biggest turnout you could hope for,
but still...Copy !req
527. I wish I could...
God, Gwen, I wish I could say thank you.Copy !req
528. And here he is,Copy !req
529. my dad, only 14 years late.Copy !req
530. So, now I know it wasn't my fault my dad left,Copy !req
531. and that, of course, he wasn't Superman
or even an alien.Copy !req
532. He's just an ordinary bloke.Copy !req
533. Uh...Copy !req
534. Eugene...Copy !req
535. He was a good boy,Copy !req
536. but somehow things went wrong.Copy !req
537. I wasn't there.Copy !req
538. I wish I could have seen him before.Copy !req
539. An ordinary bloke who made a mess of things.Copy !req
540. No.Copy !req
541. Not yet.Copy !req
542. Dad made a mess of things and went away,Copy !req
543. and that's a shame, really, it's a terrible pity,Copy !req
544. because we missed each otherCopy !req
545. completely.Copy !req
546. You know, 28 is one of those perfect numbers.
It's equal to the sum of its divisors.Copy !req
547. I'm 28. I was 28.Copy !req
548. I think I'm gonna have to go soon, Gwen.Copy !req
549. - Oh, God.
- Yeah.Copy !req
550. Also 28 centimetres per second
is the top speed of a lone lobster.Copy !req
551. Oh, hi, thank you.Copy !req
552. - I'm sorry I had to ask you to do that.
- Yeah, no problem.Copy !req
553. Hello, love.Copy !req
554. So, if it's the eye that's been keeping me here,Copy !req
555. now it's no longer inside me,
why the hell am I still hanging around?Copy !req
556. Eugene?Copy !req
557. The eye is in the bag now rather than in you.Copy !req
558. Are you...Copy !req
559. - Hello, stranger.
- Did you get it?Copy !req
560. Yeah, I got it.Copy !req
561. Impressive.Copy !req
562. - Well, we haven't done the tests yet, so...
- Come on, we've got to go.Copy !req
563. - Jack, can you give me five?
- Yeah.Copy !req
564. In an average lifetime,
the human heart will beat two million times.Copy !req
565. You'll produce over 8,000 gallons of saliva
and grow 350 miles of hair.Copy !req
566. You'll eat the equivalent in weight
of six elephants.Copy !req
567. Oh, isn't life amazing?Copy !req
568. Gwen. Gwen!Copy !req
569. Gwen!Copy !req
570. Oh!Copy !req
571. She just...Copy !req
572. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
573. Oh, my God.Copy !req
574. - Eugene.
- Are you okay?Copy !req
575. It is so good to see you.Copy !req
576. - Eugene, you're on my leg.
- Oh, sorry.Copy !req
577. No, no, it's fine. It's fine.Copy !req
578. It's fine. It's fine.Copy !req
579. Can he see me?Copy !req
580. - Eugene.
- He can see me.Copy !req
581. - Thanks.
- No, thank you.Copy !req
582. - Thank you. You just saved my life.
- That's okay.Copy !req
583. That's unbelievable. That's un-bloody-believable.Copy !req
584. Oh, God. I think that's it.Copy !req
585. Goodbye, Gwen.Copy !req
586. Don't go now, Eugene.Copy !req
587. Eugene, please don't go now.Copy !req
588. Eugene, please.Copy !req
589. Please!Copy !req
590. The average life is full of near misses
and absolute hits,Copy !req
591. of great love and small disasters.Copy !req
592. It's made up of banana milkshakes,
loft insulation and random shoes.Copy !req
593. Its dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing.Copy !req
594. What you've got to realise is, it's all here, now.
So breathe deep and swallow it whole.Copy !req
595. Because, take it from me, life just whizzes by,
and then, all of a sudden, it's...Copy !req
596. At least it wasn't a spaceship full of aliens.Copy !req
597. Which year? I need to know.
- 1953.Copy !req
598. Just three lost people who've somehow
become our responsibility.Copy !req
599. A man like you, out of his time, alone and scared.Copy !req
600. I hate this filthy, stinking place!Copy !req
601. I died once.Copy !req
602. It's like two separate worlds,Copy !req
603. there's Torchwood, then there's real life.Copy !req
604. I'm scared.Copy !req