Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 7

1. On today's show, James and Richard

2. try their hand at minicabbing.

3. Roger, thank you.

4. I drive a smoking jacket from Holland.

5. And a tug-of-war team

6. takes on the torque-iest car in the world.

7. Hello, and welcome to this £145,000 Mercedes Benz.

8. Uh, now, David Beckham, if you're watching, you can't have one. Okay?

9. In fact, you can't have any new cars,

10. and no new hairstyles and no new tattoos.

11. All we want from you for the next two years until the World Cup

12. is for you to practise taking penalties.

13. Right, now, let's get on with it,

14. find out what this thing's like.

15. From the outside, this looks like an ordinary Mercedes CL.

16. Good-looking, cool, nice car.

17. And with a broken headlamp,

18. even on this press demonstrator

19. we can see it's built like an ordinary Mercedes, too.

20. It even has the traditional Mercedes voice-activated computer

21. which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about.

22. Let me show you.

23. Dial number.

24. Dialling.

25. I haven't told you what to dial yet!

26. Dial number.

27. The number, please.

28. 0, 1, 7, 8, 5.

29. 0, 7, 8, 5.

30. No, you missed the one.

31. - Pardon? - You missed the one.

32. The number is deleted. Please continue.

33. See what I mean?

34. 2, 0, 2.

35. Where did that come from?

36. Pardon?

37. And so it goes on.

38. Despite appearances, though, this is not an ordinary Mercedes CL.

39. What it is, is the most powerful production car

40. in the world.

41. Mercedes has taken its six-litre V12 engine,

42. which is not the kind of thing you find in a motorised pepper grinder,

43. and upped it to 6.5 litres.

44. And then they added not one, but two turbo chargers.

45. The end result is 738 foot-pounds of torque.

46. God didn't have that much when he made the world!

47. Whoa!

48. Of course, there are a few problems,

49. like getting it from 0-60, for instance.

50. I've got all those torques

51. and all that latent rage pent up under the bonnet.

52. So, let me show you now what happens

53. when you try to get the car rolling.

54. Into drive.

55. Ready?

56. Eventually, you do start to move,

57. but only after your tyres have been transferred from the wheels

58. onto the road.

59. 'Course, you can stop that happening by turning on the traction control.

60. Great, but all this does is rein the engine in. Slow it down.

61. So, why have all the power in the first place?

62. And there's a similar problem with the top speed.

63. To keep the Green Party happy,

64. all the main German car companies have an agreement

65. that none of them will make a car that goes faster than 155 mph.

66. So, despite the volcanic power in here,

67. it's no faster at the top end than any other Merc or BMW or Audi.

68. So, if the top speed's governed by a gentleman's agreement,

69. and the acceleration from 0-60 by the laws of physics,

70. what's the point of this car?

71. Cheaper, smaller engine versions are just as quick,

72. except when it comes to the business of overtaking.

73. Right, we've snuck up behind the Peugeot.

74. Oh, I've got 50 feet, that's plenty of space.

75. There we go!

76. Hold the camera steady.

77. Two cars to get by here. Ready...

78. Here we go. Whoo!

79. And one, two, three seconds, we're passed both of them.

80. See this back rest? There's more examples of Mercedes build quality.

81. Still doesn't matter, we'll just pin it back with the power. Here we go again!

82. And that's the amazing thing,

83. when you're going 30 mph, it goes...

84. and when you're going 130, it goes....

85. And that's the only difference!

86. Of course, underneath the pretty body, everything's had to be toughened up.

87. The drive shafts are made from granite.

88. The computer-guided suspension has been reprogrammed,

89. and you have the sort of brakes used to stop tanks.

90. You have to doff your cap to Mercedes

91. because they have done an incredible job.

92. I mean, you put your foot down, no drama, no fuss,

93. no real noise and boof, you're in Arbroath!

94. It is hysterically fast.

95. The thing is, though, that most people who buy cars this powerful

96. like them to look sensational as well.

97. And this doesn't.

98. Because it's so like an ordinary Mercedes,

99. your friends will never know about the monstrous power that lurks within.

100. And that means you're gonna have to clear your throat and tell them.

101. Hello!

102. Excuse me! Hello.

103. You in the red top!

104. I've had a look 'round the car park

105. and I couldn't help noticing that my car

106. is considerably more powerful than all of yours!

107. How about that?

108. I don't want to be entirely negative about this car,

109. because I must admit,

110. I do derive a certain boyish thrill from its huge power reserves.

111. That sense that no matter what comes up behind you,

112. you can simply blow it into the weeds.

113. Shouldn't enjoy that, but I do.

114. Secretly, I love this car.

115. I know the quality's appalling, as usual with Mercedes these days,

116. and I know it's daft and pointless, but so is a tequila slammer.

117. Doesn't stop you enjoying one from time to time, now, does it?

118. So, that thing, then, is more powerful

119. than the Mclaren Mercedes SLR and the Porsche Carrera GT?

120. - Yeah, it is. And... - That's amazing.

121. And they're putting this engine in the SL now,

122. - and I think that will be capable of time travel. - Quite possibly.

123. If you can get it to move at all, as you demonstrated.

124. See, that is the issue.

125. You see, you can put as much power as you like under the bonnet,

126. - and they have put as much power... - They have.

127. as they like, under the bonnet, but

128. that power has to get onto the road.

129. And you've only got the bit where the tyres actually touch the road, and look!

130. - Look! - It's nothing, is it?

131. You could fit that contact patch from both tyres

132. onto a piece of A4 paper.

133. - All that power, just that little bit. - Yeah.

134. And that really is the whole problem with this

135. German horsepower race that's been going on.

136. - It all starts with... It is. - It's a civil war! Yeah.

137. It started with the BMW M5: 400 bhp.

138. - Audi joined in with 473 bhp. - Yeah.

139. And then VW recently, of course,

140. with that twin-turbo charged W12 and the Continental GT.

141. - 552 bhp. - Exactly.

142. So really, this, then, is now the chief tyre-shredder.

143. Yup. This is currently in the lead,

144. and that really brings us on to a big and important question.

145. It's on the lips of the nation. I can feel it.

146. How many people do you suppose it would take to beat this

147. in a tug-of-war competition?

148. Any thoughts?

149. 200 people?

150. 300 people? 1,000 people?

151. Well, according to the scientific boffs who work behind the scenes on Top Gear,

152. - they reckon it could be beaten by just eight. - That's stupid.

153. So, they asked me to go out there and find out.

154. Personally, I think it's a silly idea, but there we go.

155. Let's see what happens.

156. Push. Push. Push, tight. Push. Push!

157. Push! Push!

158. That's big torque.

159. As soon as they'd pulled me onto the wet grass,

160. I'd had it!

161. What? Come on.

162. - Seriously, was that real? - Seriously.

163. Seriously, that was the Norton tug-of-war team from Stoke-on-Trent.

164. They're European champions and they're not even heavyweights, and they did it,

165. and I was on tarmac, and they were on grass.

166. - And I gave it full power. - I can't believe it.

167. You didn't... You were really giving it everything?

168. Yeah, I know. You saw the wheels were spinning,

169. and as soon as they start to do that, they had me...

170. - ... easy peasy. - Eight blokes against 612 bhp.

171. - Exactly. - They must each have, like, about 80 horsepower each.

172. Absolutely, so the conclusion that we can draw from what we've done today,

173. is that if you're looking to buy the torquiest car in the world,

174. buy eight burly blokes.

175. And now, the news.

176. And the news is, the new BMW M5: Here it is, look.

177. That's gonna be available from the beginning of next year at about £60,000.

178. V10 engine, 507 horsepower, which, interestingly,

179. is about 31 more than its Mercedes rival, the E55.

180. 'Course, being a new BMW, not the best-looking car in the world,

181. but there has never been, I think I'm right in saying, a bad M5.

182. - No. No such thing. Yeah. - I think you're right.

183. - In fact, it'll be brilliant. - It will be very, very good.

184. Right, the new Audi A6. We've actually got one here in the studio, just out.

185. It's marginally bigger than the last one.

186. Five inches longer and about two inches wider.

187. Prices start at £24,500 rising to about

188. - £43,000. - Yes, and the power?

189. The power is... Well, this is the most powerful one here.

190. 4.2 litre, V8, 330 bhp.

191. What a bunch of fairies. I know!

192. How did it get here? It's pathetic.

193. How did it get here with such a miserable amount of horsepower?

194. - What if there'd been a hill? - Exactly.

195. - That's a French power output, that is. - It is pitiful. However,

196. they've thought of everything else but the power.

197. The list must have been pretty long, because they've actually got to the point

198. where on this car, I kid you not,

199. you can change the pitch of the reversing warning beep.

200. Um, oh, now,

201. hey, can I just say, while we were off air,

202. um, some scientists at Lancaster University announced that a train

203. uses more fuel than a car.

204. - Well, of course it does, it's enormous. - Yeah.

205. Thing is, though, they've worked out that an intercity train

206. uses more fuel per passenger,

207. even when it's full, than a car.

208. So, in other words, a car

209. is more environmentally friendly than a train.

210. This is a fact. It's not conjecture.

211. And what's more, you know the new really fast trains that are coming along?

212. The one's that'll do 200 mph.

213. They use more fuel per passenger than an airliner.

214. - So, trains are rubbish, then, pretty much. - Trains are rubbish.

215. If you want to save the planet, don't go on one.

216. No, go in your car.

217. The marvellous thing is, though, is that

218. having been presented with this evidence

219. that trains aren't as environmentally friendly,

220. or as economical as we had been led to believe,

221. you would imagine environmentalists would say,

222. "Crikey, thanks for the heads up. We must shift emphasis,

223. "get everyone in their cars," but no.

224. Friends of the Earth, and I've got the quote here,

225. have now said, as a result of this,

226. "The greenest journey is one that isn't made at all."

227. Oh! For crying out loud!

228. - Well, that's just ridiculous. - How far do you think mankind would have got

229. if nobody had ever made a journey?

230. Exactly. That's stupid.

231. It would have been Scott of the Attic.

232. I found the source of the Amazon. It was under the dining table.

233. Oh, there's another thing.

234. You know in the run-up to Euro 2004,

235. a lot of people believed that David Beckham had done some practise,

236. uh, and been, you know, training.

237. And they put flags on their cars to kind of show their support for the team,

238. 'cause we were in with a shout, we thought, anyway, of winning.

239. While everyone had flags on their cars,

240. somebody has done some research

241. on how much drag that created.

242. - I'm not joking. - That's...

243. Yeah, seriously. He said you'd lose with two flags, 4 bhp.

244. Uh, and that means that in the run-up to the tournament,

245. 4.5 million gallons of fuel was wasted...

246. - By flags? - ... by people flying flags.

247. - That... - I actually know the man who did this survey.

248. Okay? I will spare him his blushes,

249. I won't say his name, but I will tell you, he has face hair.

250. Okay? So I've done a calculation of my own.

251. If a moustache weighs two grams, and we think it does.

252. Sounds fair enough.

253. So, if you get into a Ford Fiesta,

254. you will increase its weight by 0.0000036%.

255. - With you. - Which means that you'll increase the fuel consumption

256. complicated equation here,

257. by 0.000083 miles to the gallon.

258. So, over a year, normal mileage,

259. your moustache is costing you an extra £5 in fuel.

260. It's costing £5 to run a moustache for the year?

261. That is the kind of information you simply don't get on other shows.

262. This is a service!

263. And furthermore, furthermore, Bill Oddie, David Bellamy,

264. their beards are killing the planet.

265. Yeah, all that weight in the beard.

266. They've gotta lose the beards,

267. and it's no good them taking the train.

268. - No, 'cause they're just wasting more fuel. - They're wasting more fuel,

269. either have a shave or walk.

270. Look at David Attenborough. He doesn't have a moustache.

271. He's a proper environmentalist.

272. Now, you may have noticed recently a new trend in hatchback design,

273. cars like this VW here.

274. They are essentially still hatchbacks

275. but they're a bit taller and quite a lot more expensive.

276. Now, their makers will tell you that they're a lot more versatile,

277. a lot more practical,

278. and all the usual old tune.

279. But are they actually any good?

280. Well, to find out, Hammond and I had to subject them to years' worth of hard abuse,

281. but we had one evening.

282. So, how were we going to do that?

283. How were we going to give them a lifetime's use in half a day?

284. Easy. We're going to take them minicabbing, on a Friday night

285. in south London.

286. Our shift starts at 4:00 in the afternoon,

287. but it goes all the way through to the fighting and kebabs hour

288. of 1:00 in the morning.

289. So, let's have a look at the minicabs that we'll be driving for nine hours.

290. I'm going to start with the Renault Scenic.

291. It's got five seats, it's very well-equipped,

292. but it costs £18,500.

293. two grand more than the equivalent Renault hatchback.

294. There are loads of cubbyholes in here. Some of them quite obvious,

295. such as this one, and some not so obvious,

296. such as...

297. this one.

298. And the centre console can be made to slide backwards and forwards,

299. so you can trade rear legroom for cup holders.

300. And there's more.

301. There are three individual rear seats.

302. They all slide, they all fold, or they can all be removed completely,

303. so that you can moonlight as a van with a helpful driver.

304. And this is Ford's version.

305. It's called the C-Max. It's based on the next Focus

306. and it, too, has got five seats and a hefty price tag of £16,500.

307. It's a tall car,

308. presumably for tall people.

309. It seats five, but if there's only four of you,

310. then the rear two seat passengers have got a treat

311. because you can roll that little seat forwards,

312. actually take that out completely.

313. Then the outer two slide backwards and together, which is clever.

314. Then at the front, there's the centre console.

315. It doesn't move around or anything,

316. but it's like one of those puzzles.

317. Open the top, and there's a bit of storage space,

318. And then you open it up again, and look, there's loads!

319. That's somewhere to sleep.

320. And then finally, this.

321. A kind of convex bus driver's mirror

322. so you can see what the kids are doing in the back.

323. I reckon that might come in handy in my night of minicabbing.

324. It's going to be a cold night,

325. which should be good for business.

326. The minicab office reckons it's going to get about 150 calls.

327. Hello, car service.

328. 468, where are you going?

329. So, before we clock on, we'd better fill up. Minicab style.

330. That should do it.

331. And Wimbledon, Palmerston Road.

332. Shall I tell you what really amazes me about this?

333. When I went for the test, I had to fill in a huge form

334. that said I hadn't murdered anybody, I wasn't psychotic...

335. - And you could drive a car. - ... I could drive a car.

336. I wasn't gonna overthrow the British government,

337. and then I had a medical. At no point did anybody, issuing this,

338. ask me if I had a sense of direction!

339. Well, we'll soon find out, 'cause here we go.

340. UK-98, are you ready? - This is me.

341. You want 333 Wimbledon Park Road, two for Mary.

342. Roger. Thank you.

343. UK-99, you want Replingham Road off Merton Road.

344. Replingham Road?

345. Okay, here we go. Minicabbing.

346. Unlike Hammond's minicab, my Renault actually has sat nav,

347. but I'd be cheating if I used it, because A:

348. it's a £1,000 option and no minicab would have it, and B:

349. and it would mean I actually knew where I was going.

350. So instead, I've got a plastic stick-on compass,

351. and of course, the trusty old A-Z,

352. which is now more like a B-Z.

353. I've got the heaters on, really quite incredibly furnace warm.

354. Left, then right.

355. - I think that's important. - Cack!

356. Right the other way.

357. Besides powerful heaters, the C-Max also has a cracking stereo.

358. Good enough to find that station

359. that only seems available in minicabs.

360. There we go, there we go. Oh, yeah.

361. Right, this should be it on the left.

362. It is, I've got to say, a bit gloomy in here,

363. but there's loads of space.

364. If I got a call from control right now,

365. saying the Pope needed picking up from a nightclub,

366. no worries. Straight in here.

367. Mary?

368. In truth, I'm probably not the one to test for headroom.

369. - But my first customer, that was a different matter. - I'm your cab.

370. - Now, you're really tall. - I am.

371. - So... - Do you wanna know how tall I am, for stats?

372. - How tall are you? Go on. - 6'5" and a half.

373. I've got a slightly bad feeling about this one.

374. And have you got room?

375. Well, I have a problem with head room in a lot of these cars.

376. And look, there's a little bit of a headroom problem here, but you know.

377. It's not bad.

378. Are there any perks to being a pathologist?

379. When I did find my first fare, she happened to be a fencer,

380. with a bag of nice, long swords.

381. An ideal test, then, for the Scenic.

382. Would its boot swallow them up?

383. - No. - No.

384. - Cheers, Mark. - Nice to meet you.

385. My first fare.

386. Bet you James carries their bags to the car. "Let me do that for you."

387. - These are heavy. - Um, a little bit, yes.

388. He does that for people, anyway, to be honest. And he'll open the door.

389. He's more your chauffeur than your minicabber.

390. The swords, sadly, had to go in the front.

391. Right, sorry about all that. I'm a bit new to this.

392. I'm not a real minicabber. I'm on TV, really.

393. This isn't my real job.

394. - Replingham Road. Okay. - Thank you.

395. It's a Renault Scenic,

396. with very versatile seating. You'll find if you grab hold of the little lever

397. you can slide it backwards and forwards.

398. - This? - No, no, no. That's the front armrest.

399. Replingham... I was just there!

400. I've just turned 'round!

401. - Oh, cool! - Is that cool?

402. - I'm just slightly worried... - Yeah. You could turn it into a big bed or something.

403. - Oh, God. - What if they're all drunk?

404. So, are you being recorded so they can test if you would be good as a presenter?

405. - No, no. I am a presenter. Do you mind? - Oh...

406. - Sorry, sorry. - This isn't my real job.

407. Don't turn on me radio. Or I'll be pissed off.

408. At last, a car full of people.

409. Including a couple of burly rugby player types.

410. - Um, oh, right. - Where are we going?

411. - Uh, Wandsworth Common. - Um...

412. - Straight ahead! - Oh, thank you.

413. We're testing this car as a minicab. It's quite good.

414. It's quite... It only takes four, though.

415. You've got loads of gadgets on that steering wheel.

416. We've got, uh, stereo stuff.

417. - Is that for each seat? Those, um... - Yeah.

418. That's for him.

419. Yeah, my ass is burning off.

420. Yeah, because I left his seat heater on five.

421. You see, I thought that might...

422. It was the wrong thing to do.

423. So, they were impressed by the seat heater.

424. But as for the space, well, it was two in the back, one in the front,

425. just like in an ordinary hatchback.

426. I did get an interesting tip, though.

427. - I've got some Colston Bassett Stilton. - That's very nice. Thank you.

428. Some Cashel Blue.

429. Now, The minicab way of driving is a good test of the car's engine,

430. because you go everywhere in fifth gear. All night.

431. But this isn't actually a problem because

432. the Scenic is fitted with a 1.9 litre diesel engine.

433. 120 horsepower and very gutsy.

434. So, hours and hours without changing gear at all.

435. My C-Max also has a diesel engine.

436. 110 horsepower 1.6,

437. and is good, too, if not quite as strong as the Renault's.

438. I'll stick it in fifth. Here we go. Yeah.

439. - Great, thank you. - Hello, uh, Capitol Minicab for John?

440. Okay, right. Thank you. Yeah, thanks.

441. Is he coming?

442. After several hours minicabbing,

443. we'd learnt that the Renault was the comfy one,

444. and the Ford was the sporty one.

445. And we'd also learnt that none of our passengers,

446. drunk, sober, short, or tall,

447. were blown away by the interior space.

448. But on the key issue of whether these MPVs were more useful than hatchbacks,

449. James and I were drifting apart.

450. The thing I find a bit odd about this car

451. is that it costs about £2,000 more than a normal hatchback,

452. and I can't really see the point of having it. I mean, I quite like it,

453. it's smooth, it's comfortable, but what am I actually going to do with it?

454. Now, I know James is gonna go on about being a single bachelor

455. and he doesn't need the space and all the rest of it,

456. but I've gotta say, I get it. I do get it.

457. Because if you've gotta get dogs and kids and everything else in and out of a car,

458. having... Just having big doors with a big opening makes it a lot easier.

459. UK 98. UK 99.

460. - 98 receiving you. - Yes.

461. Yes. It's a lady's hen night.

462. Cormac P.O.B. Make sure you get the right people.

463. Two cars. The contact name is Bonny.

464. I just hope nobody's sick.

465. Oh, there's a man with his girlfriend being sick on him. That's nice.

466. It's a quarter to one.

467. - Um, are you waiting for a taxi? - Hello.

468. - Or two taxis? - Um, yes, we are!

469. Are we going to swap cars, mate? 'Cause...

470. Well, I'll have a go in yours.

471. - There you go. Um... - Fair enough.

472. Somebody gave me some cheese. Really stinks.

473. Red cars go faster.

474. Smells nice in here.

475. Good evening. Do you mind if I come back a bit?

476. My colleague is rather short in the leg.

477. Along the right, there.

478. No, that one, that one's... That's my belt!

479. - Who's the lucky girl? - It's me.

480. - Oh, and who's the lucky fella? - His name's Pete.

481. Has he realised how lucky he is?

482. While James was going for the Leslie Phillips award,

483. I was trying a bit of hen night road testing.

484. - I want to ask your opinion on this car. - Yeah?

485. - Smooth. - Smooth.

486. - Spacious. - It is spacious.

487. - Legroom. - There's plenty leg room.

488. Rear legroom you said is not that good behind me?

489. - It's ordinary. - It's all right. It's nothing special.

490. Good, um, what do you call it?

491. - Suspension. - Suspension. That's it, darling.

492. This car is much harder than the Renault in front.

493. - Yeah? - I was just about to say that.

494. Because that's actually French and very soft, and feels quite luxurious.

495. - Whereas this feels a bit more sporty, I suppose. - Ah.

496. Yes, the unmistakable sound there of a woman pretending to be interested.

497. Meanwhile, my lot had really focused in on what mattered to them.

498. We have a drinks tray!

499. - Do we? - Oh, brilliant! Do we have a mini bar?

500. - Is there a mini bar? - Use it, that's good.

501. Is there vodka?

502. So, are you going somewhere else tonight?

503. No, that's the end of our shift. You're our last job.

504. I mean, so you can come party with us afterwards?

505. Mmm...

506. No, generous as their offer was,

507. we had to decline the champagne and Jacuzzi,

508. because we had something much more interesting to do.

509. Come to a verdict on these people carriers.

510. So, we've driven 'em. What do you think? - Yeah, well,

511. I think I'd have the Renault.

512. Well, I reckon the C-MAX is gloomy.

513. I mean, it really is dark and miserable.

514. It's like living in a piece of coal.

515. They're all about the interior,

516. and the Renault interior is simply better. It's also got a stronger engine.

517. If I had to have one of those, I'd have the Renault,

518. but I do have a bit of a serious issue, which is that

519. compared with the equivalent straightforward hatchback in each range,

520. these are about £2,000 more, and I still can't quite work out

521. where the £2,000 goes.

522. I'm thinking, for example, tonight, at what point

523. did I really feel that I needed the Scenic, rather than just a Megane?

524. The duelling girl with the swords, okay?

525. I still couldn't get those in the boot.

526. Your tall bloke, he still couldn't really fit in the back properly.

527. - I agree. - I think it's a slight con in that respect.

528. I think maybe it is. So, we're agreed. Of the two, we'd have the Renault.

529. - Yes - We can kind of see the point of mini MPVs

530. as an updated hatch, but...

531. - They're just not worth it. - We can't square the price difference.

532. £2,000 extra just smacks a bit of a rip-off. What are you paying for?

533. Now, I just have this to say, really. I kind of see what you're saying.

534. - Yeah. - Big doors, kind of quite useful.

535. It does make a difference.

536. But I also see what he says, which is that £2,000...

537. - It's a lot of money. - It is a lot of money,

538. and I kind of err towards you, really.

539. The only way cars like this, in my opinion, make sense,

540. - is if they've got seven seats. Then they work. - Exactly.

541. Five? What's the point?

542. And that actually rules out the Ford, for starters.

543. - I think that means you've got this VW... - This, the Grand Scenic,

544. - the VW Touran. - Grand Scenic.

545. And the Toyota Corolla Verso.

546. - And the Vauxhall Zafira. - Yeah, and that's it.

547. And that is an easy choice, because you can't have the Volkswagen,

548. because it's got the dreariest interior in the world,

549. it is like driving around in Eeyore's bottom.

550. You can't have the Renault Megane because I had one the other day,

551. and my children reduced it to its component parts in eight seconds flat.

552. - So flimsy. - That will happen.

553. Vauxhall Zafira's not bad, actually. Surprisingly.

554. But the best, Toyota Corolla.

555. The Verso. That one, over yon. It's got very clever back seats,

556. pull up out of the boot floor, not that nice to drive,

557. the engine's a bit dreary, but it's very well made.

558. And that would be the car I'd choose, I think.

559. - Yeah. That's the one to go for. - I'd agree.

560. Good. Right, let's meet our guest, shall we, for this evening.

561. He's sold 100 million albums, he's won five Grammys,

562. he lives in a $25 million mansion in Beverly Hills with 17 bathrooms.

563. He's going to be opening this year's Olympic Games

564. and be playing to a televised audience of two billion people.

565. He is a global superstar.

566. The only person to have had a number one in America

567. for nine consecutive years apart from Irving Berlin.

568. Ladies and gentlemen, it makes no difference to us.

569. He's still gonna go around the track in a Suzuki Liana.

570. Here he is. Lionel Richie!

571. - How are you? Have a seat. - Very well.

572. Very well. Very well.

573. - Very well. - So, singing at the opening of the Olympic Games?

574. Well, I'll tell ya, the Olympic Games...

575. Nothing compares to what I went through today.

576. - Oh, on the lap? In the Liana? - Nothing.

577. You wait 'till you get out to Greece. You'll be singing in a building site.

578. - Oh, please. - You're gonna love that.

579. Now, I want to talk about cars. You never sell a car.

580. - No. - You've still got, then, the first car you ever bought.

581. I have the first car when I was in college,

582. - the Datsun 280Z 2+2. - 280?

583. I couldn't afford the XKE.

584. - Oh, you wanted an E-Type? - I wanted the E-Type Jaguar.

585. At that particular time I couldn't afford it.

586. And so the Japanese came along and basically copied the style.

587. - They copied the style badly, I would suggest. - Yes, of course.

588. It's a discount version of the XKE. Yes.

589. But anyway, what I'm saying to you is it was a fabulous car. I kept that one.

590. - And you've still got it? - Still have it, to this day.

591. And so all the cars you've ever had over the years,

592. you've all still... You've still got them.

593. The second car was, of course, the Mercedes.

594. 450 SEL.

595. I have to tell you about the story about the Commodores,

596. and how we got the Mercedes, which is interesting.

597. We went in,

598. and we had such major success on the second album

599. that we decided for Christmas, we'd give ourselves cars.

600. So I went to the same dealership that I bought my Datsun.

601. It was a Datsun Mercedes dealership.

602. He said, "Son, can I help you?"

603. I said "Yes, sir. I'd like to buy seven Mercedes."

604. And he said, "Seven?"

605. I said "Yes." He said "step into my office, son."

606. Sonny.

607. - And he said... - Good salesman.

608. "Is there any number I can call to verify the fact that you can buy these cars?"

609. I said, "Yes, call the Bank of America's president in Los Angeles, California."

610. I gave him the number.

611. He called up and here's what he said.

612. "I have a Lionel Ricky."

613. No, it gets worse.

614. "I have a Lionel Ricky here.

615. "Uh, who claims he's with a group called the Commanders."

616. He said, uh,

617. "I wanna know can he pay for the c..."

618. Thank you!

619. "Mr Richie."

620. And you got your seven Mercs.

621. You were looking at our Bentley when you were down here.

622. - Yes. - We had a Bentley Continental today, you saw it,

623. - you had a go, was it fun? - I must tell you.

624. Pretty special car.

625. - It's quite an amazing car. - I loved the car.

626. - And we went around the track. - You think you'll get one?

627. I'm actually thinking about it, and they tell me that before I get it,

628. I should try to test drive one other one, and that's the Vanquish.

629. If you don't like the gear box

630. - in the Vanquish, have a look at the DB9. - Really?

631. I can't believe I'm sitting here giving Lionel Richie car advice.

632. - It's all right. - Have a look at the gear...

633. If you don't like it 'cause it's got flappy paddles,

634. - have a look at the DB9. - Very good.

635. Um, now, of course, you came here today

636. to try your hand at driving what's possibly the crummiest car you've ever driven.

637. Now, you didn't have as much practise as most of our guests,

638. - let's be honest. - No.

639. And it didn't go as smoothly, shall we say,

640. as it does for most of our guests.

641. No, that's right.

642. Who'd like to see what happened on your first practise lap?

643. - Yeah! - Yeah? Okay, let's run the tape.

644. Here we go.

645. Yeah, you got a gear, there.

646. - Oh! - Oh, wow.

647. Oh, my God! Yeah!

648. The wheel...

649. Crash!

650. We find this, frankly, more scary than you do,

651. because you have a suing culture in America.

652. Now I can answer your question. Am I going to get a Bentley?

653. Yes, I am!

654. - Ah! - The BBC is a very impoverished organisation.

655. We would like to humbly apologise.

656. - No, I assure you... - And we will be finding the man responsible

657. and tearing off his gentleman's area.

658. Yes, I understand, but let me just say this to you.

659. When I first came here, they kept saying to me,

660. - "You know, Simon..." - Cowell.

661. - Yes. Simon. There he is. - Sitting at the top of our leader board there.

662. They said, "He is the leader here."

663. And I thought about it, as I saw the wheel go in front of me.

664. As I'm driving, I said,

665. "Simon obviously had something to do with this."

666. - Yeah. - He's capable.

667. - He has that kind of... - He was down here last night, in a balaclava,

668. - with a wheel... Now it all starts to make sense. - You follow me?

669. - I can see! - Yes, I think if you're gonna sue anyone, sue him.

670. He's a damn sight richer than the BBC!

671. That's the way I'd look at it.

672. Anyhow, we managed to find a back-up Liana.

673. We carry such things, actually since David Soul came here.

674. He managed to break two!

675. I heard, there was a rumour.

676. Yeah, he got in one, smashed the clutch, and then got in another

677. - and smashed the clutch. - In the... Wait, hold on.

678. I think it's because he says that he's not used to driving on the wrong side,

679. - as he calls it. - This is my first time driving on the wrong side.

680. And I found myself going into the kerb, and I go, "Brake! Brake!"

681. And I'm opening the door.

682. I know what you mean. Anyway, I suppose most of the names on here

683. mean absolutely nothing to you. I mean, Jordan? Mean anything?

684. - Yes. - Who do you think that is?

685. - The car racing guy? - No.

686. Not Eddie Jordan.

687. - Not Eddie Jordan? - An entirely different...

688. ... species, really.

689. Yeah, anyhow, well, we'll see how you get on

690. because we've, I think, got the lap ready. Who'd like to see that?

691. - Yeah! - Okay, here we go.

692. Let's see what Lionel was like out there with all four wheels on his car.

693. And you're away.

694. Ah! Come on!

695. Okay, here we go. Oh, there's a new angle there around the first corner.

696. That's... That's looking pretty tidy.

697. Are you a keen driver, would you say?

698. Well, there's the answer. No need to answer. Yes.

699. Well, the idea of driving like this is insane.

700. I have to say, this is extremely well done.

701. Apart from the gear changing, this is extremely good.

702. Yeah, hit the horn there.

703. Now, here we go, here we go.

704. - This is the one that threw me. Flat out. - Follow-through.

705. - Are you lifting? - Flat out.

706. - Good man! - There we go, Lionel!

707. Good man! And singing. And flat through here as well?

708. - Flat through there? - Flat. Straight out.

709. That's... Yeah. And you only had three practise laps.

710. Watch this. Watch this now.

711. - Here we go, this is the one. This is the one. - Second to last corner.

712. This is the trickiest corner there is.

713. Beautifully held, into Gambon.

714. More horn.

715. Love it!

716. Ah.

717. You know what, here's what bothers me.

718. - Rich Tea? - Why am... I saw that, by the way.

719. Why am I sweating now?

720. And I'm not in the car. I have to tell you...

721. Not as much as I'm about to make you sweat.

722. How do you think you did?

723. Oh, I mean...

724. Somewhere down here with Richard Whitely who's basically a deck chair.

725. Two minutes six,

726. or up with Simon Cowell at 1:47?

727. Well...

728. Realising that I was cut down in the prime of me driving.

729. - Mmm-hmm. - In other words, I was sabotaged. The rain, the tyre.

730. I would think, three, four.

731. Well, I'm sorry. On that basis, you're once, twice, three times a loser!

732. But...

733. - But you have nothing to be ashamed of. - Oh, yes?

734. You did, after just three laps of practise in a three-wheeled car...

735. One minute 50 seconds, which means you've tied with me!

736. That's pretty good going.

737. That's a very good time.

738. Ladies and gentlemen, Lionel Richie!

739. Fantastic.

740. Right, can anyone here name a Dutch car company?

741. No? Well, there is one. Spyker.

742. Now, 100 years ago, Spyker was making stuff like this,

743. they moved on to this sort of thing.

744. Then in the First World War, they made some rather splendid fighter aircraft.

745. Like this one. They even made a golden coach

746. for the Hollish royal family,

747. and this sort of thing made them the Rolls-Royce of Dutch-land,

748. a byword for sumptuousness and velvet, and the baroque.

749. But I'm afraid it didn't do them any good because by 1925, they'd gone bust.

750. Well, fortunately, they're back and they've built a car.

751. And Jeremy's been driving it!

752. This is it! The C8.

753. And I'm sure you're wondering at this point

754. how on earth can such a thing have come out of Holland.

755. Ah, well, you see, there are two Hollands.

756. One where everyone goes on holiday in a caravan and there are tulips.

757. And then you've got the other, which is full of

758. drunk Liverpudlians vomiting on Filipino girls.

759. So, wanna guess which part of Holland this is from?

760. Yup, it's an Amsterdamer.

761. And there are other examples of this Dutch schizophrenia as well.

762. Rembrandt. He was Dutch,

763. and all he ever painted were businessmen in darkened rooms doing accountancy.

764. But van Gogh was also Dutch and he went to the south of France and cut his ear off!

765. So, is this a Rembrandt or a van Gogh, do you think?

766. Well, I certainly don't see any ears.

767. This, then, is the latest example of Holland's mad side.

768. It's a drug-crazed pornographer with a penchant for euthanasia

769. and a boyfriend.

770. The most amazing thing about it is its interior.

771. I've never seen anything like this before.

772. It's absolutely stunning.

773. The second most amazing thing about it is the price.

774. I sort of thought it would be a million billion,

775. but actually, it's only £134,000.

776. Kind of Ferrari money.

777. The third most amazing fact

778. is that one of the four backers behind the Spyker project

779. is the guy that came up with Big Brother.

780. And the fourth most amazing thing is that it weighs just 1.2 tonnes.

781. When you peel away the aluminium body, it's easy to see why.

782. There really isn't much left. Just the engine.

783. It's a 4.2 litre Audi V8.

784. And you'd imagine that that would be enough to give the featherweight car

785. plenty of oomph.

786. But oh, no.

787. The guys from Holland bought the engine from the sensible Germans,

788. had a bit of a smoke,

789. fiddled around with the engine management system,

790. upped the power from 360 to 400,

791. slotted it in, now it goes like stink.

792. Because it has the same power output as a Ferrari 360,

793. but only weighs the same as a toaster,

794. it'll get from 0-60 in 4.3 seconds.

795. And onto a top speed of 187.

796. Sounds good, too.

797. And if that isn't enough, the engine is also available with some blow.

798. Yep, they're working on a twin-turbo version

799. with 525 brake horsepower.

800. So, plenty of power and plenty of speed,

801. but not much in the way of luxury.

802. There's no in-built phone, no satellite navigation,

803. and while there is air conditioning,

804. there are no vents to deliver the cooling air to your face.

805. There's no air bag, either, but being impaled on this wheel,

806. what a way to go!

807. My main concern about the Spyker, though, is the handling.

808. It's really not very good.

809. The brakes are a bit wooden,

810. and all you get in the corners is 500 yards of squealing understeer.

811. Don't be taken in by the F1-style suspension

812. or the racing harnesses, or that elaborate pedal box.

813. The Spyker shouts the Ferrari shout,

814. but were the two to meet, the red car would simply

815. pass the dutchie on the left-hand side and be gone.

816. This, then, is not for the hairy-chested, gung-ho, playboy racer

817. who likes to go everywhere sideways.

818. Its appeal is more subtle than that.

819. This is a car you wear rather than drive.

820. You pull on your Manolo Blahnik shoes,

821. you grab your Lulu Guinness handbag,

822. clip on your Georg Jensen earrings,

823. and then step outside into your Spyker C8.

824. I mean, look at the interior. The frameless windows,

825. the exposed gear linkage, the upholstery, quilted.

826. Like a smoking jacket.

827. It's like sitting in a fashion accessory.

828. I mean, look at this horn.

829. It's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car,

830. that, "Ah! Get out of my way, earthling" horn.

831. It's more...

832. the kind of thing you use to attract the attention of

833. other people in your tax haven.

834. Morning, Valentino!

835. So, it might not work as a rival for Ferrari and Porsche and Lambo on the track,

836. but it works brilliantly parked outside the best restaurant in town.

837. It really is one amazing-looking thing.

838. My only slight reservation,

839. and it is only slight, is this grille,

840. which makes the front of the car look like a fish.

841. Not a cod or a shark, not a kind of swimmy one,

842. more a sort of bottom-feeder.

843. But then, it is Dutch, and they like that kind of thing.

844. This, then, is more than a car.

845. It's your lover, also.

846. Sure. It's no good, then?

847. No, no, no, it's fantastic! I mean, let's be honest,

848. there are plenty of people who like to look good at 40,

849. rather than driving around like their hair's on fire at 400.

850. Well, you, exactly. Classic case in point.

851. We got any dealers?

852. They don't actually have any dealers, but they do have,

853. like, a mate who sells to friends.

854. - You see what I mean? - Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

855. - Uh, right-hand drive? - Yes they'll do it in right-hand drive,

856. and they say that since I drove it,

857. they've done something about the brakes, and

858. they also say that they've done something to kill that understeer.

859. So, to find out if it worked,

860. we handed it over to our colleague and our driver also.

861. The Stig.

862. Okay, a little smoke off the line and away he goes.

863. Now, The Stig's got the hard top on, which should help the aerodynamics,

864. make it faster on the straights.

865. This is the first bend now.

866. Looks like the tail's coming out a bit. That is surprising.

867. Coming up to Chicago.

868. And it's trying to oversteer again by the looks of things.

869. Big question is really how will the Spyker fare 'round Hammerhead.

870. A bit wobbly underbraking, this is the real test of understeery cars.

871. Oh, he's gone very sideways there.

872. Ooh, very sideways.

873. Seems like in their attempts to get rid of understeer,

874. Spyker seem to have brought on roll oversteer.

875. Mind you, he's flat through Follow-through.

876. And still flat.

877. Not a lift, two more corners to go.

878. Time over the first half suffered for the oversteer.

879. Can he make it up in the last little bit?

880. A bit more sliding there in Gambon, and across the line in...

881. one minute 27.3.

882. So that goes there.

883. That's not bad for a smoking jacket.

884. No, really, look. It's quicker than a Subaru Impreza, the new one.

885. - Quicker than DB7 GT! - That's remarkable.

886. It is, what, 1.5 seconds slower than a Lamborghini Gallardo.

887. But then if you look at it this way, if this were the cool wall...

888. - I mean, it would be kind of in your ear, really. - Oh. Yeah.

889. That's not the end of the track action,

890. because earlier on, Jeremy drove this.

891. It's the most powerful production car in the world.

892. The Mercedes CL65.

893. What we want to know now is how it will fare

894. in just a simple, straight, half mile drag race

895. against its two main rivals,

896. the Bentley Continental GT and the Aston Martin DB9.

897. What do we think? Anyone got any thoughts?

898. - You think the DB9. - The Merc.

899. - DB9. - The DB9, the Merc,

900. you see, this is the thing of it, the DB9's problem,

901. it's only got 450 bhp. I mean, only.

902. Uh, whereas the Merc and the Bentley are a lot more powerful.

903. But it is light. The Aston is very, very light.

904. Anyone? You think the Merc.

905. Well, we've seen how powerful that is, anyone think the Bentley?

906. - You think... - The Continental.

907. You think the Continental GT?

908. - That weighs a bit more than your house. - It's four-wheel drive. Yes.

909. - But it is four-wheel drive, as you say. - It is, yeah.

910. So it's got good traction off the line, but it is turbo charged,

911. - but then so is that! - It's a good one, this. 'Cause it really is difficult.

912. Indeed, we were completely stumped. We really were.

913. This morning, we arrived here, we had no clue which one was going to win.

914. So we had to go find out.

915. There's nothing to do. We've just got to sit here, keep your foot down.

916. That Mercedes is incredible!

917. It's all a bit embarrassing, really.

918. Oh! I've finished.

919. That is pathetic! I'm last again!

920. That is, um...

921. That was really, really fast.

922. I'll tell you, from where we were, from behind the driver...

923. Watching that thing pull away, it was just...

924. - It just keeps powering away! - There is, there's a traction control moment

925. and I'm going the same speed as you,

926. - As the traction control kind of sorts... - Yeah.

927. "Hang on a minute. Lot of power coming here," sorts you out,

928. and then it just goes, woomph! And he's gone!

929. I thought I'd left the Bentley's handbrake on!

930. Thing is, though, we've proved it's the quickest,

931. but which one would you actually buy, James?

932. - The Aston. - The Aston.

933. - Aston. - Aston.

934. Aston! A nice, clear-cut finish to the programme.

935. See you next week! Good night!