Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 6

1. On today's programme...

2. Can you run a car on a poo?

3. Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?

4. And the new Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

5. Hello. Now, there are lots of different types of car made all over the world

6. which aren't offered for sale in Britain.

7. So tonight, we thought it would be a good idea

8. to have a bit of a snout around to see if any of them are any good.

9. This funny-looking little thing is the Nissan Cube

10. and it's the best-selling car in Japan.

11. The trouble is that stuff which goes down well in Japan

12. won't necessarily work here in Britain.

13. I mean, there are vending machines on the streets of Tokyo

14. where you can buy dirty knickers.

15. I think the first of many problems this car might have

16. if it were to come over here is the way it looks.

17. You see, a Ferrari is aggressive and beautiful.

18. So it covers the two most important bases in car design,

19. sex and violence.

20. Doesn't matter whether it's a Ferrari or a Ford, that's what we want,

21. something which excites the ancient part of our brain,

22. something that makes us a little bit frightened.

23. This isn't frightening at all.

24. And that's because it's as square as Sophie Ellis-Bextor's head.

25. The square simply isn't a frightening shape.

26. Square is not a frightening concept.

27. A house. Square, not scary.

28. Cheese. Square, not scary.

29. And then there's this place.

30. Tunbridge Wells.

31. The Cube seemed to fit right in here

32. with its mild blue rinse and its chocolate-box, cuckoo-clock looks.

33. There is one thing to be said for the Cube's styling.

34. If you don't like it from this side,

35. you perhaps think this pillar's a bit thick and heavy

36. and you don't like these, uh, vents,

37. simply look at it from the other side

38. where we find a window instead of a pillar and no vents at all.

39. This is the first car I've ever come across

40. that's different on one side than the other.

41. Apart from the Rover 800, of course,

42. though that was different by accident.

43. They just didn't build it properly.

44. So, what about power? Well, underneath the lopsided body,

45. it's actually a Nissan Micra.

46. That means you get a not-at-all scary 1.4-litre engine

47. which results in a relaxing 0-60 time of 13 seconds

48. and a soothing top speed of 103.

49. Actually, I'm lying. It isn't soothing at all. It's very noisy,

50. and it's got the worst automatic gearbox

51. ever in the whole world.

52. Every time it changes down, it's like you've been

53. hit up the back by an articulated lorry.

54. And it's got an overdrive!

55. I haven't seen one of those for 40 years!

56. Welcome back to the '70s with the smooth sound of the Nissan Cube.

57. You can have the Cube with a CVT gearbox,

58. but that's not really to be recommended.

59. No, there's a corner! And that brings me onto

60. the second worst thing about the driving experience.

61. Turn the wheel and you have no sense

62. that it's actually connected to the tyres in any way.

63. As a car, then, as a machine for stirring your soul

64. and titivating your primeval instincts,

65. the Cube is absolutely hopeless.

66. But as a tool, well, that's a slightly different story.

67. It is very cheap.

68. The price for the base model is just £8,500,

69. which isn't bad when you bear in mind

70. that it comes with air conditioning,

71. and power steering, and a stereo.

72. And a lot of space.

73. For such a small car, it really does have an enormous boot.

74. And you can make it bigger still by pulling the rear seat forwards,

75. or by folding it away altogether.

76. In the front, there are so many cubbyholes,

77. it's difficult to know how you might fill them all.

78. I mean, you've got a glove box here, obviously,

79. and then, another glove box here for the other glove.

80. Then there's a sort of slot here and pockets in the doors.

81. And then, if we pull the bench seat down,

82. we find a slot here for my char-grilled chicken

83. with chestnut and sage sauce.

84. Uh, underneath that, we've got another one for, um...

85. Tinned salmon and scissors.

86. Drinks? No problem.

87. Cup holder here.

88. Another one here and two more down here.

89. They really have thought of everything.

90. I mean, when you put the key in the ignition, for instance,

91. it beeps to tell you you've just done that!

92. And then, when you put it into reverse,

93. there's a new beep to say you've just put it in reverse.

94. And then, when you turn the engine off,

95. another beep!

96. Isn't that marvellous?

97. There is one thing missing, however.

98. You get no beep or buzzer to remind you as you drive along

99. that you look like a complete berk.

100. All you really need to know about this car

101. is that if you've got a black and white cat and your name's Pat,

102. it is available in red.

103. So, is that really the best-selling car in Japan?

104. Yep, a nation of postmen, I think.

105. Yeah, it would seem so.

106. But if you were a postman over here, and you want one,

107. you could presumably import one?

108. Absolutely. There's a company that will bring one over.

109. Cost you, here,

110. would cost you after the shipping costs and tax and so on,

111. between £11,000 and 12,000.

112. Or you can have one with an electric motor in the back

113. to make it four-wheel drive.

114. Why? What are you gonna to do with that?

115. You couldn't take it shooting, really,

116. 'cause the pheasants would just die laughing.

117. Well, that might be a good thing.

118. So, if you did bring one over, um, you're gonna have to get it serviced

119. - and all that sort of stuff. - Yeah.

120. So is that going to be possible?

121. It is, actually. I rang up a Nissan dealer this week

122. to find out whether they could actually do this, and they said,

123. probably not the four-wheel drive one,

124. but the guy said, "Ooh, a Cube.

125. "Hmm, never had one of those, but I'll give it a go."

126. - That's sporting! - So I said,

127. "Can you do my daughter's eye operation?"

128. "Yeah, I'll give that a go as well, why not."

129. And now, the news. And we begin this week with a gentle reminder

130. about the Top Gear Motoring Survey, 2004.

131. The biggest survey of its kind in the world.

132. If you own a car registered between 2000 on a Y plate

133. and 2003 on a 52 plate, we want to hear from you.

134. We want to know all about your car.

135. Is it reliable? Is your dealer polite?

136. Or maybe you've bought a Mercedes Benz A-class.

137. You can use your experience to help others.

138. And also, you'll be making a very valuable contribution to this programme,

139. because we'll be bringing you the results of all this in the autumn. Log on.

140. Click on the survey button and you're off.

141. Right, good. Help us out with that.

142. Uh, rest of the news. And big one this week, the Fiat Barchetta.

143. Marvellous little car. Wonderful thing.

144. Little Italian soft top.

145. Went out of production for a while.

146. Stopped selling it in Britain. It's back!

147. Hooray! Hooray!

148. We've got a picture of the new one here.

149. Is it different?

150. Nope. The only thing they've done with it while it was not being made

151. is drop the price. It's now £11,995,

152. which is extremely good value for a car like that. - That's very good.

153. - Can I just say... - What?

154. It is good value, but I had one of those.

155. Loved it. I paid £11,500 for it.

156. They were more expensive then.

157. And a year later, I was struggling to sell it for £4,000.

158. Ooh!

159. Ouch! They will lose a lot of money.

160. I'm enjoying that, actually.

161. - Yeah. - I'm enjoying that moment.

162. Not only that, the insurance cost a fortune

163. 'cause it's left-hand drive. I'm just wanting...

164. - It's still only left-hand drive. - It is still only left-hand...

165. I'm just wanting to say be careful.

166. It might look cheap, but you will lose money on it.

167. Anyway, you probably thought the Lamborghini Murcielago couldn't get any more flashy.

168. - No? Well, it can. - Mmm-hmm.

169. Here is the Lamborghini Murcielago convertible. Ooh!

170. Gentlemen of the adult entertainment business, your car has arrived, I think.

171. Yeah.

172. Dirk Diggler would have one of those, wouldn't he?

173. With leopard-skin seats.

174. The interesting thing is, though, that Lambos

175. have always been very, very vulgar.

176. But I was reading a piece last week

177. by the editor of Tatler magazine in The Observer.

178. - Authorities. - Yes, absolutely.

179. It says that vulgarity is now in.

180. - So you... Finally! - I've been ahead of the wave.

181. - It's your time! It's here! - It's my time!

182. 'Cause I put electric gates in at my house the other day.

183. I thought, "That is disgusting."

184. Not the other day.

185. He's had them a while, and boy, has he copped some flak for it! Ha!

186. But now, I'm going to have big, sort of, coat of arms

187. - put into them in gold as well. - Nice! Nice!

188. And I'm gonna have, like, a monogram

189. on the bottom of my swimming pool.

190. - And one of those! - Splendid!

191. You would love this thing I saw in the States the other week.

192. It was a, sort of, small bath with a plug on it.

193. It's a home gold-plating kit.

194. Ooh!

195. - So you just gold-plate stuff? - I said he'd like it.

196. Well, what you do... Well, the idea is that

197. you take the badges off your Lexus, frankly,

198. and you put them in, plug it in,

199. and 10 minutes later, they're gold!

200. Wow!

201. I'd put my dog in it!

202. I'd do my hands and have gold hands!

203. Honestly, you can really just gold-plate anything?

204. It's about 100 quid. I should have bought it for you.

205. No, it'd be a disaster. You'd get drunk and gold-plate your whole house.

206. I could gold-plate my gates!

207. - Your gold-plated electric gates! - Electric gates!

208. That's pretty vulgar, Jeremy!

209. Somebody said to me when I put them in, "Well done, Jeremy.

210. "You've brought a little bit of Cheshire to the Cotswolds."

211. Now, Liverpool.

212. They could, of course, have just knocked it down and started again.

213. But they didn't. They gave it a lick of paint, they fitted some new plumbing,

214. and then they installed a couple of trendy cafes.

215. And now, it's a European capital of culture!

216. So, if they can do that with a whole city, can it be done to a car?

217. The XJS was launched in the '70s,

218. and when it was launched, everybody hated it.

219. After the beautiful E-Type, it was disappointing, to say the least,

220. especially as early ones were usually finished in Midlands brown.

221. But gradually, this shape, like cheese, matured very nicely.

222. And you know what? These looks are actually a bit of an accident.

223. You see those buttresses at the back?

224. They're not actually supposed to be there at all.

225. When the car was first designed, it was going to be mid-engine,

226. but then they changed their mind and they thought,

227. "No, no. We'll put the engine in the front."

228. But no one thought to take the buttresses off.

229. And yet, they're part of what makes it a masterpiece.

230. But there's something that puts me off.

231. You see, in all its 21 years in production,

232. Jaguar never made a good one.

233. Early XJS's were so bad

234. that when British Leyland offered them to their senior managers,

235. even they said no.

236. And at the end of its 21-year life, it still wasn't right.

237. I'll show you where Jaguar went wrong.

238. This is a suspension bush and it's made out of a really rubbish rubber,

239. so it completely mucks up the feel of the car.

240. This is an electrical connector.

241. Now, there are hundreds of these on the XJS,

242. and they're of a really poor quality.

243. So, after about five or six years, they all corrode

244. and the whole car dies.

245. And it's the same all over the place.

246. The door seals, they let water in,

247. so the doors rust from the inside.

248. The engine components are built down to a price and strangle all the power.

249. Jaguar had the recipe for a perfect shepherd's pie,

250. and then made it with dog meat.

251. This one, though, is different.

252. For a start, I've been driving it for several hours now,

253. and everything still seems to be working.

254. More to the point, though, it feels like no other XJS I've ever driven.

255. This one feels fantastic!

256. That's because it's special.

257. It's been given a once-over by a tiny Hampshire firm

258. called Knowles-Wilkins Engineering.

259. Knowles-Wilkins, you can just see the Spitfires on the office wall!

260. Now, this is not a restoration job,

261. it's something far cleverer, modernisation.

262. They take a good, used XJS, and they turn it into the car it should have been.

263. They completely rebuild the suspension, the steering, the entire electrical system,

264. and they find an extra 50 horsepower in that V12 engine.

265. And when they've done all that, they re-trim the interior

266. and they put some lovely new paint on it.

267. Now, the whole package will cost you about £35,000,

268. which is a huge amount of money for an XJS.

269. But it's an XJS that works!

270. This is amazing.

271. I've driven loads of XJS's, but this is the first time I've ever really

272. felt like I'm, you know, involved in the process.

273. There's a really nice sense that it's all really tight and set up.

274. My dad had one of these and I always wanted it to feel like this,

275. but, to be honest, it just didn't.

276. It felt a bit like sitting on a sofa.

277. And listen to this engine, this V12. This is just fabulous.

278. Listen to that. A really lovely, distant rumble,

279. that's so pukka!

280. Of course there are people, the sort of people who

281. go to an auto jumble looking for a new bumper,

282. who will say that, "This is wrong.

283. "This is interfering with Jaguar heritage."

284. But I say, "Rubbish! This is a brilliant idea."

285. All the character of the car is still here.

286. All the funny touches, like these comedy instruments,

287. and these novelty stalks that move the mirrors around, and that huge bonnet!

288. It's a bit like owning a 15th century house.

289. You keep the thatched roof, you keep the leaded glass,

290. but you fit modern central heating,

291. you have one of those Smeg fridges. Of course you do, come on.

292. I love this car. It's a piece of England's heritage

293. that's had the full National Trust treatment.

294. After hundreds of lovely miles in this Jag, from Hampshire and through Wales,

295. I've now come to Liverpool.

296. I wanted to come here because self-made Scousers love their Jags.

297. But then I remembered that none of the professional Scousers,

298. Tarby, Cilla, McCartney, actually lives here!

299. Well, maybe they should come home,

300. and have a look at this waterfront.

301. That is a World Heritage site,

302. like Stonehenge and the Parthenon.

303. So, if ever there was a World Heritage car, this is it!

304. Now, I can see it shines like a new car,

305. but does it feel like one and smell like one?

306. Yeah, it does. It feels like a new XJS, but better.

307. And the thing you'd really like is that

308. they can pull exactly the same trick with the Series III XJ12:

309. - What, the one with the pepper pot alloy wheels? - Exactly!

310. - So, you... - And the world's best ride.

311. So you could be comfortable and have a new... Oh, that's fantastic!

312. - It is brilliant. - And the best thing is,

313. is that... I saw an XJS the other day, it was a convertible,

314. and it mooned me with its beauty!

315. And this is the thing about Jaguar, is that,

316. when the XJS came out, as you said in the film, it was awful.

317. I think they come too soon.

318. Yes, they do! They... They do.

319. They're just... They're basically...

320. The cars come out and you go, "That's awful".

321. And then 10 years down the line, you go, "Actually, no, it isn't."

322. Yeah, they mature. And the E-Type

323. - is actually better-looking now than it ever was. - Absolutely.

324. And then last week, we were on that beach in Wales with an XK,

325. - remember when that came out, eight years ago? - Yeah. Spindly!

326. It's on stilts! Now you look at it, fantastic!

327. So in about, sort of, 15 or 20 years' time,

328. we'll look at the S-Type and we'll think, "That's really awful!"

329. We will. I think the S-Type is basically like Beaujolais Nouveau,

330. awful when it came out, and then just gets steadily worse as time passes.

331. Yeah. That's a shame. Have you, um...

332. Well, have you got a guest, then?

333. Yeah, we'll meet our guest now.

334. Now you've brought the S-type up, time to move onto the guest,

335. and he's a broadcasting colossus, there's no other word.

336. Started out working in a bank, and he is now, without doubt,

337. the most influential man in music.

338. Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Wogan!

339. How are you?

340. - Grab a seat. - As well as can be expected.

341. I'm sort of... I'm pale, but determined.

342. Pale but determined, and also with a gammy leg,

343. but still able to influence the sale of records.

344. This is a popular myth.

345. I don't, you know...

346. I get about... I suppose eight million people listen of a morn.

347. More than anyone else in the world!

348. But what else have they got to listen to?

349. The thing is that...

350. It's because I've been doing it for so long.

351. I'm like the wallpaper,

352. I'm like a dirty old rug in the kitchen.

353. Nobody ever really listens to what I'm saying.

354. Nevertheless, I can fight back on that,

355. because I rang a friend of mine last night who works for Sony,

356. who said, basically, if you plug a record of the week and play it,

357. home and dry!

358. You can make an artist, even at your age!

359. It's one of the very few things I can do at my age now.

360. Could you break an artist?

361. - Well, I... - People like Peter Andre, for instance.

362. I'd like to see him smashed.

363. Oh, I thought you meant break them...

364. No, no, smash them!

365. Smash them into smithereens.

366. Get them out of the public consciousness with his waxed chest!

367. Could you do that for me? If I said, "Pretty please"?

368. There's many a thing I would do for you,

369. but Peter Andre is a very, very dear personal friend of mine.

370. How do I know that to be rubbish?

371. Uh, Eurovision Song Contest.

372. No, I never talk about that.

373. Unfortunately, I do! Um...

374. You said it was corrupt.

375. I didn't, really. What I said...

376. I didn't say it wasn't corrupt either!

377. The thing is that when you see two countries

378. that have been at each other's throats for hundreds of years,

379. - since the fall of the Ottoman Empire... - Hmm.

380. and who've only just stopped having a war with each other,

381. giving each other douze points,

382. you have to ask the question, "Is the voting completely above board?"

383. I'm here to tell you, "I'm sorry. I don't believe it."

384. What surprises me about your views on the Eurovision Song Contest

385. is that you're surprised by this.

386. I...

387. 'Cause we have, you know,

388. there's a European Car of the Year award made every year,

389. where every single year, Fiat wins.

390. Because the Italians can only vote for Fiat.

391. Yeah. It is relevant to the Eurovision Song Contest.

392. Italy haven't taken part in the Eurovision Song Contest for some years now.

393. - Have they not? - No.

394. Because they left in a pet about 10 years ago 'cause they didn't win.

395. But have you ever heard Italian music?

396. - Shocking! - Well, all...

397. I mean, Vivaldi was all right, but then, you know, after that...

398. The whole European music...

399. See, the thing about the Eurovision is it doesn't reflect

400. any national tastes in popular music.

401. Spanish popular music is quite modern.

402. French popular music, quite modern.

403. But when it gets to Eurovision time,

404. they decide that they have to have a song

405. that reflects national pride and dignity.

406. So the Spaniards will always have a touch of flamenco in it,

407. and, uh, people stamping their feet.

408. All that kind of stuff. And who's gonna vote for that?

409. Well, now you're... I hope you don't mind my saying, really,

410. the original grumpy old man.

411. What is it that baffles you most on the road, then?

412. So many things.

413. One of the things that disappoints me on the show is that

414. - when the M4 bus lane was first painted... - Ah, grand work.

415. you were a champion of having it torn up.

416. You've just dropped it as though...

417. Because I don't travel on the M4 any more. I... Who can?

418. No, you... But the thing is, it's still there!

419. - But what can I do? - And people go,

420. - "Yeah, there's a bus lane on the M4." - But...

421. Don't people realise the unbelievable stupidity of that?

422. Listen! Listen!

423. Nobody cares what you think!

424. I know! Which is why... I know!

425. I know!

426. So why don't you...

427. They don't care what I think either!

428. - They do! - No! No!

429. - They do! They do! - Let me tell you a little-known fact

430. that is true.

431. The man who was in charge of the bus lane on the M4...

432. Was fat!

433. And received an honour from the Queen last year.

434. They gave him an OBE.

435. - Well, Prescott was responsible. - The man...

436. No. The technocrat or whoever it was...

437. The man with the red paint.

438. The man who was in charge of the whole idea,

439. and put it into place, and running the show smoothly, he got an OBE for that.

440. Well, it is... It's always empty.

441. Certainly no buses on it.

442. It's on the outside lane!

443. Exactly. And how do you put bus stops when it's the outside lane?

444. How do people get there?

445. - How can you flag down a bus from the central... - It's all right.

446. You've never seen a bus on it.

447. - There isn't. - No, no. And...

448. Another thing, matri... Matri...

449. Matrixes.

450. - Matri. - Matri... ces.

451. Signs. Signs.

452. Those signs over the motorway.

453. Why do they expect anybody to believe anything they say?

454. When they're up there, sometimes for as much... A week.

455. Fog.

456. - You see that RSPB thing, though... - Oh?

457. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds.

458. Protection of Birds!

459. Yes, them! That's the one!

460. They're the ones...

461. Don't know why I said that. Protection of Birds!

462. They are... They are the quango to end them all.

463. - They didn't say... - Whenever they need a few quid,

464. they come up with something like,

465. "The osprey is missing!

466. "Oh, well, we'd better get some money for that, then!"

467. And now, the thing is, the commoner garden house sparrow, disappearing.

468. Why?

469. "We think there are less bugs about."

470. So, what do we do?

471. Get out of your car and kill as many bugs as you can!

472. This means there'll be even less sparrows!

473. They do. They want us to count how many bugs

474. there are splattered on our number plates.

475. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in all your life?

476. So, there's how many there are by how many you've killed?

477. Yeah. You killed...

478. The birds need them. You're killing them.

479. They tell you to go and kill them.

480. Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?

481. - Never. Do you? - No.

482. - Foxes? - No!

483. No?

484. Children?

485. I do. I do, children, yeah.

486. I have swerved to avoid children before.

487. You see, you see, you're too soft for this game!

488. Deer. What about a nice... What about Bambi standing there?

489. Oh! Terrific!

490. It can take your chassis away,

491. 'cause they're big...

492. You have to watch it, though, 'cause they might come up and over.

493. There's a 50-50 chance with a deer, really, that you're gonna go...

494. You know the rule, that if you do knock down a deer, you have to drive on,

495. but the next fella coming along

496. can pick it up, put it in the boot and have it for dinner.

497. - Is that true? - Yeah.

498. - Well, you can't eat one if you run it over? - No. No.

499. The first person to run it over has to go on their way.

500. The second person discovering it dead on the road,

501. has it for din.

502. You see, I had no idea, this is a motoring rule which has passed me by.

503. I'm feeling remiss.

504. It may well be something I've made up. I don't know.

505. Oh.

506. Uh, cars.

507. You've had the Rollers, obviously. 'Cause I know...

508. You say that as if you don't like Rollers. You don't like a Roller.

509. You think it's a bit of a Jack The Lad car, do you?

510. No, it was the pro-celebrity golfer thing.

511. - It was the time... - I used to play in that.

512. Exactly.

513. And you had a Roller, and that was what really went along.

514. I had a Roller, yeah!

515. Did you have a pink V-neck jumper?

516. I might have had.

517. Anyway, you've got no Roller now.

518. No, I've got a Bentley.

519. Ooh! Which one?

520. The Arnage Red R.

521. Now, you see, that's a nice car.

522. Don't you patronise my Bentley!

523. I'm not! It's a brilliant car!

524. It's a fantastic car, but would it stood you in good stead on the track?

525. Yeah. 'Cause it would have been about 10 times faster

526. than the little crappy car that I was driving.

527. True enough. True enough.

528. Who'd like to see Terry's lap?

529. - Not me. - Yes?

530. - Yes! - Okay. Run the tape. Here we go.

531. That's some wheel spin. That was a very energetic start.

532. Oh, yeah. My word! What a face.

533. Let's go as fast as we can this time for the final fling!

534. That's not that fast, Terry,

535. if I might be so bold, and nor is that.

536. It may not look fast. It's deceptive.

537. That's not deceptive, it's just not fast.

538. It is extremely fast for me!

539. Your window's down.

540. I'm a speed king.

541. That's not a very speed king-y...

542. That is extremely fast!

543. Funnily enough, Jodie Kidd adopted a similar technique

544. of sticking close to the... Oh, here's the Hammerhead.

545. And she was very fast but...

546. That was... That was not a wheel, that was me screaming.

547. Slow and steady wins the race.

548. Nobody's going to die in this car, I promise you that.

549. I have never been so bored in my life.

550. He said, "This is a very, very wide thing, you don't need to brake."

551. I'll be the judge of that.

552. Okay. Here we come up to the last corner now.

553. Braking, no need for that. You weren't going fast enough. Round it.

554. I was... I virtually mowed down several cameramen.

555. I imagine it'll be probably up there somewhere.

556. What? The 1:47 sort of thing?

557. Or are you being more realistic? Maybe a 1:49, 1:50?

558. Quite frankly, if I do better than Richard Whiteley,

559. I'll figure I've done quite well.

560. Terry Wogan...

561. You sounded like Eamonn Andrews there.

562. I thought you were gonna say, "This is your life".

563. I'm not.

564. Although it was a lifetime watching that lap.

565. - Terry Wogan... - Yes?

566. Two minutes...

567. No!

568. You're hoping I don't say more than 2:06,

569. - 'cause that would be worse than Whiteley. - Yeah.

570. - You're safe. It's 2:04. - Oh!

571. Damn quick.

572. I'm not certain that round of applause was entirely justified.

573. - I wasn't going all out. - You can say that again.

574. But, Terry, it's been a joy having you here.

575. - How kind. - Man after my own heart.

576. I loved it! Ladies and gentlemen...

577. - Thank you. - ... Terry Wogan!

578. Okay. Okay, now, this week,

579. we're looking at cars that we don't actually get in this country.

580. Which is why, earlier on, Jeremy drove that weird

581. Japanese Cube, sort of, van-bag thing,

582. which I don't think we really want anyway.

583. No, I think we're sort of...

584. We're pretty well sorted with silly little Japanese cars.

585. Yes, we are. As many small hatches as we need.

586. However, I thought there might be a little gap in the market for executive saloons.

587. You see, it used to be very easy.

588. You just went straight to the Germans.

589. But in recent years, something's gone a bit wrong.

590. The new 5 Series from BMW is kinda weird.

591. The Audi A6 has grown a goatee.

592. And the Mercedes E-Class is just, well, dull.

593. And that's why I'm in Holland.

594. I haven't come here to score some drugs

595. to make the E-Class look more exciting.

596. I've come here to look at this.

597. It's the new Cadillac, the CTS.

598. Pretty soon, they'll be selling this car here in Holland.

599. And in France. And Germany.

600. And all across Europe.

601. But not in Britain.

602. That's not really surprising because the last Cadillac

603. to be sold in the United Kingdom was the STS.

604. And that was rubbish. And I do mean rubbish.

605. It handled and looked like a pig.

606. There was no reason for that car to be on sale in Great Britain at all.

607. But this new one is much more intriguing.

608. Look at that pointy face. Scary.

609. And all these unusual creases and slashes.

610. You see, Cadillac realised its average owner was 112 years old.

611. And so, they had to do something to frighten them off.

612. It's either that or they've already put all the dents into them

613. that they'll pick up eventually in a Florida rest home anyway.

614. But the other thing that will scare the old folk is this...

615. The pace.

616. 3.2-litre V6, 220 brake horsepower.

617. 0-60 in 7.6 seconds.

618. It's got a fantastic automatic gearbox.

619. Even though this is gonna be the first Cadillac ever

620. to be put on sale with the option of a manual one.

621. It probably pulls really well up hills, but...

622. We're in Holland, so, uh, you know...

623. So, it's so far, so surprising.

624. But that doesn't earn it a place over on our shores, yet.

625. First, it's got to take on this.

626. The corner. The corner is as strange to Americans

627. as a small meal or a president who can spell.

628. American cars run off and cry when they see one.

629. Okay, so here we go, approaching a corner.

630. Don't be scared.

631. Amazing!

632. It's gone round the corner

633. at more than five miles an hour without jumping into a bush.

634. But it's better than that.

635. Turn off the traction control, and all of a sudden...

636. you can do a lot more!

637. Whee! There we go!

638. This thing isn't bad!

639. And it's American!

640. That's amazing!

641. It could almost be a BMW 5 Series for 3 Series money.

642. Because if the CTS did come to Britain,

643. it would only cost 25 grand.

644. But sadly, it's in here where everything really does start to come unravelled.

645. The last time I saw plastics like this,

646. it contained Tic Tacs.

647. It is dreadful.

648. But that's not really a surprise. The Americans just don't get luxury.

649. To them, luxury is just making something bigger.

650. It was just too much to expect Americans to do quality and corners.

651. And then there's some good old-fashioned stupidity in action.

652. For instance, the handbrake release

653. is a small black plastic lever down here to my left.

654. The bonnet release is a small black plastic lever down here to my left

655. about an inch away.

656. You can see what's coming.

657. The routine is start engine, into gear, here we go.

658. But two annoying flies in a jar of otherwise very pleasant ointment

659. are not enough to put me off.

660. The CTS is also working very hard to be cool.

661. This car has been in The Matrix and Bad Boys II.

662. Cadillac is shaking off its image of Bob Hope in golf trousers.

663. In fact, the average age of a Cadillac owner has now dropped from 65 to 59.

664. Well, it's a start.

665. The CTS isn't just a good, American car,

666. but it's a good car. Full stop.

667. This time, the Cadillac deserves a ship's passage to Blighty.

668. - No, it doesn't. - What?

669. I don't want a Cadillac.

670. - Why not? - Cadillacs are for pimps and pensioners,

671. and that's an end of it.

672. That's gonna be great, they're gonna put a big V8 in it

673. and do a V version. It'll be cool.

674. Don't care. Don't like any American car.

675. Now you're just being silly all-sweeping about it.

676. They're badly made. Listen.

677. - Just sounds... - That sounds like a wheelie bin.

678. - Yeah. - And that... Plastic.

679. - Wheelie bin. - Yeah.

680. They're badly made out of very, very cheap materials.

681. All American cars are the same.

682. All right, well, look, this brings us on to what we want to do now,

683. which is look further at this evening's theme of cars we don't get.

684. And over here, we've had a very good idea.

685. We've got a pile of cars that we don't get over here and we've got two dustbins.

686. In this one are gonna go the cars...

687. This is sophisticated, this is.

688. And this one, the cars we don't want.

689. - Exactly. - Okay, and I'm gonna start with another American car.

690. And it's this, the Pontiac Solstice.

691. - Yeah? - It's fantastic!

692. Look at that little two-door, two-seated coupe!

693. Your reason why that...

694. What do you reckon of that? Can you see that?

695. That's a nice-looking little car, isn't it?

696. What do you think?

697. - Nice car. - Looks like a TVR.

698. The chap here's got the point. It looks like a TVR.

699. The reason it looks good, Richard, is, because it looks European!

700. - Fine... - But the difference is,

701. the difference is it has a 2.4 litre engine

702. from which the Americans have managed to extract 170 brake horsepower!

703. - You're being... - 170 brake horsepower from 2.4 litres!

704. We don't want that. No way.

705. While you're on the subject of Pontiac, okay?

706. Yes.

707. Ah! I was really hoping you wouldn't do that.

708. - This is the Pontiac Aztec. - Yes.

709. This has a 3.4 litre engine!

710. 185 brake horsepower!

711. I will concede it looks like a badly built conservatory. It's horrendous.

712. It is absolutely shocking.

713. This is the sort of rubbish... Look at that. Look at it.

714. - That's awful. - Awful?

715. Absolutely terrible.

716. Ugly. Exactly. We don't want that.

717. All right, another American car.

718. You've got to let this one through.

719. It's the Hummer, the H2. You drove this on the programme.

720. You said you loved it.

721. - We'll have one of them. - Okay.

722. In fact, while I'm at it, here's another one. Another American car.

723. The new Mustang. Now, come on!

724. - That you've got to want. - You want that?

725. - That's magnificent! - You want that?

726. No, I don't like it. No.

727. - No. - No? You don't want it?

728. Anyone here want the Mustang? Anybody sensible here?

729. - Absolutely, yes. - You'd like the Mustang?

730. - Yeah. Give to me. - You're...

731. - Dutch? - Yes, I'm Dutch.

732. Your opinion is worthless here.

733. - What do you reckon? - I prefer the old one.

734. You prefer the old one. But nevertheless, the problem is,

735. it is already old.

736. This looks fabulous, has a live rear axle just like a Morris Marina!

737. So, here, in a civilised part of the world, that's a no.

738. - What about this? - That's cool.

739. This, it's...

740. This is the Pontiac, what's it... No, the Chevrolet SSR.

741. - That rocks! - Okay.

742. - Now, this is a pickup truck. - Yes.

743. Which has got a roof like a Mercedes SLK that kinda folds away.

744. - It's cool. - You'd drive that, would you?

745. - Yes. I do. - You live in Gloucestershire?

746. And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?

747. Not a purple one obviously...

748. No, no. I'm sorry, that's a no.

749. Interestingly enough, it's not just American,

750. there are some European cars that we don't get over here,

751. that don't make it over the Channel.

752. I've got a car we don't get. It's from Lancia.

753. The name is the Thesis, which isn't a bad name, that's not the problem with the car.

754. The problem is this. Look at it!

755. It's hideous!

756. They've looked at the S-Type Jag and gone, "Nice".

757. "Good look. Yeah."

758. "We'll have a grille like that."

759. And they've messed it up 'cause they've got one off a Riley,

760. - by the looks of things. - It's an absolute howler!

761. There is one European car that is interesting.

762. - That. - It's all right.

763. Yep. It's a Renault Logan, okay. It's made in Romania.

764. And this is on sale throughout Eastern Europe,

765. and the Uk-stan sort of countries.

766. And...

767. Do you know how much it costs, before you laugh?

768. - Go on. - £3,200.

769. How do they do that?

770. It's got no electric windows, no power steering, no stereo,

771. no central locking. It is just a car.

772. Basically, it's what we want from phones.

773. - What? - All you want from a mobile phone

774. is it to be full of mobile phone technology.

775. I don't want to be able to video my genitals and show them on Italian Internet.

776. You're showing your age again, Jeremy.

777. I don't want that! The point is,

778. I reckon there's a huge number of people in this country

779. that would buy a car for 3,200 quid, have nothing on, just a car.

780. - No, I think we should have that. - Yeah.

781. We should definitely have that one. Good.

782. Okay, that's sorted, right.

783. Now, last year, we showed you how you can run your car on chip pan fat.

784. Well, I got wondering, "What about poo?"

785. Could you run your car on one of those?

786. There's a lot of frightening stuff talked about the world's energy resources.

787. "Ooh, they'll all run out tomorrow

788. "and we'll have to live in caves and eat soil," that sort of thing.

789. Thankfully, Top Gear has the answer.

790. And she's called Mabel.

791. Cows are amazing creatures.

792. Not only do they give us milk and burgers,

793. but every day a single cow produces 50 kilograms of poo.

794. And poo gives off methane.

795. It's a cheap, endless supply of energy.

796. It's a basic fuel, and in theory, it can be used to run a car.

797. I think you can see where this is going.

798. We needed to find out if you can run a car on number twos.

799. Which is why we're here at a slurry farm.

800. Here's how the process works.

801. The cow does a poo.

802. The poo is scooped up and put into a special tank called a digester.

803. It's a bit like a brewing kit,

804. and it turns the poo into compost for spreading on fields.

805. Whilst it's in the digester, the poo generates lots of methane gas.

806. And normally, the methane given off by this process goes to waste.

807. But not today.

808. We're keeping the gas and feeding it into this compressor

809. which squashes it to make it more dense

810. so that it will fit into a car tank.

811. Now, the car has already been converted

812. to run on compressed natural gas.

813. Which means it should go for this methane.

814. Probably.

815. So here it is, the world's first cow poo-powered car,

816. and to see if it works, we're gonna have a drag race against this identical Rover

817. running on old-fashioned petrol.

818. We've also got a third car,

819. one which runs on methane extracted from human waste.

820. Are mankind's number twos faster than cow flatulence?

821. In theory, methane should be methane.

822. But never let it be said that we are not thorough in our science.

823. This is it. In just a few moments,

824. we might be about to change the world.

825. Here we go.

826. That's it! It works! We are running on poo!

827. Come on! Poo power!

828. I'm second. Oh, no!

829. Petrol's romping away!

830. People poo is beating cow poo!

831. No!

832. Come on!

833. Useless cow!

834. I am frankly amazed that no big oil company

835. has built a refinery to harness the power of cow pat!

836. Well, they haven't, so...

837. Right, so if you want to do this,

838. we have to do it in a sort of self-sufficient, good-life way, yeah?

839. - Yeah, if you want to, yeah, would. - Okay.

840. How much is a cow?

841. About 700 quid.

842. Okay. Now, I'm gonna need about 1,500 litres of fuel a year,

843. - how many cows do I need? - You'll need about four cows, okay?

844. Eight times four.

845. To be honest, this is ridiculous, James,

846. because cows cost a fortune to run. It's about 545 quid a year,

847. and then you need land, six acres, which is about 300 quid.

848. And then you'll have to buy the digester and all the rest of it,

849. which is about 1,500.

850. Trust me, it doesn't... It was just a joke I was playing.

851. Actually, it is beginning to look pretty expensive.

852. Yes, and then you got depreciation.

853. No, cows don't depreciate.

854. But I'll tell you what they do do, though, they make milk.

855. How much milk do you get from a cow? You're a yokel. Come on.

856. About 1,200 quid per cow per year.

857. All right, times four.

858. It's... It's not that simple to be honest, May.

859. - Yes, it is. - It's not a sensible idea.

860. - Right. 1,500 litres of petrol costs now 1,500 quid. - Yes.

861. 1,500 litres of poo power, you're only 30 quid down!

862. - No! - You are a genius.

863. No! You've got it all wrong because you have to have a milking parlour

864. and somebody to milk the cows,

865. and then you've got to have a field full of cow pats,

866. so you've got to gather up and put it. It doesn't work, mate.

867. It was a joke. I'm sorry. Leave it.

868. - How much is four humans? - Leave it! It doesn't work.

869. Okay, now, as we heard earlier,

870. Renaults aren't the most beautifully made cars that money can buy,

871. but they have been working over the last few years

872. to make their cars as safe as humanly possible.

873. So, the new Espace has a five-star safety rating.

874. The new Megane, unbelievably, has a five-star safety rating.

875. The new Laguna has a five-star safety rating.

876. And the new Clio... doesn't.

877. What they've done is taken the old Clio 172

878. and added 10 more brake horsepower to create the Clio 182.

879. So, that's 182 brake horsepower

880. in a car that's small enough to be a slipper.

881. It is hugely fast. 0-60 takes seven seconds,

882. and it keeps on going all the way to 140.

883. Of course, as we found with the very first Golf GTI,

884. putting loads of power in a little car

885. does affect its cornering habits.

886. Push, and it turns into a tripod.

887. This looks insane, and that's because this car just is.

888. The whole drive train feels as though

889. it's coming from a tunnel-boring machine.

890. It feels rough and industrial.

891. Then there's the noise, which never really goes away.

892. Even if you put it in fifth gear and slow down to 30 miles an hour,

893. it's still...

894. I think this could probably get wearisome after a while.

895. Trying to control this bucking, three-legged bronco

896. with blood pouring out of your ears is hard enough.

897. But it's made harder still by the driving position.

898. The steering wheel is far too large,

899. you can't get your feet on the pedals if your shoe size is more than a nine.

900. And then, there's the seat itself.

901. You sit bolt upright, and if you move the lever,

902. there, you go flat on your back.

903. I think probably on balance, it's better to go for the

904. bolt upright option.

905. Still, this isn't the end of the world,

906. because the car will almost certainly fall apart

907. before it makes you deaf and mad.

908. The cheapness of this thing beggars belief.

909. I mean, you wouldn't fit carpet like that in a student bedsit.

910. And if you tilt this forward, you can see painted metal, exposed

911. screw heads, and this, the parcel shelf,

912. couldn't be less flimsy if they'd made it out of tracing paper!

913. Then there's the boot lid, which I think they did make

914. out of tracing paper.

915. In the front, you think, "Ah, yes! But I've got strips of aluminium.

916. "It's as well-made as Zurich airport."

917. But it isn't. It's plastic.

918. And so is this.

919. And so is that.

920. You get the impression, this really isn't a quality product.

921. So, badly made, noisy, bit ungainly, uncomfortable and cheap.

922. Things are not looking good, but they're about to pick up a bit.

923. You see, the Clio feels cheap because it is cheap.

924. It's only £14,700,

925. and it's impossible to go faster than this for less.

926. Even with the Pac-A-Mac plastics and dog-kennel carpeting,

927. it is good value.

928. And it gets better,

929. because for £200 extra you can have what's called the cup pack.

930. This gives you better tyres, better suspension,

931. and these eight-spoke alloy wheels.

932. Inside, lots more is on offer.

933. Air conditioning, CD, sat nav, cruise control, a trip computer.

934. This, then, is no stripped-out road rocket. Far from it.

935. It is amazingly comfortable.

936. Even with the firm suspension, it just glides over bumps and potholes.

937. But the best thing about it is its character.

938. The thing is, nobody gets a job in the car industry

939. because they want to make safe cars.

940. So, all the time those poor souls at Renault have been beavering away

941. with their crumple zones and their air bags,

942. there's been this pressure building up

943. for them to go berserk and make something that's mad.

944. And you can sense that, you can feel the excitement in this car.

945. It's kind of like a Motown pop song, really.

946. Tinny, short, quick, uncomplicated.

947. Nothing like Verdi's Requiem.

948. Three minutes, bish bash bosh, big smile on your face, the end.

949. Yes, it's riddled with faults.

950. Yes, the exhaust system goes through the spare wheel well,

951. so there's no spare wheel.

952. Yes, it's badly made and a bit mental, but none of this matters.

953. For one very good reason.

954. It makes you feel

955. happy.

956. You know what? In many ways, this car reminds me of

957. that Rover MG ZT 260 we had on last week, loads of faults,

958. but really, really lovable.

959. Yeah, you just love it. I know what you mean,

960. and I've thought about that Rover a bit, and I reckon, bear with me,

961. that that Rover is like a 14-year-old collie dog.

962. You know the kind, a bit whiffy, a bit old.

963. - Couple of warts. - Deaf.

964. - Yeah, yeah. - Sits in the corner, faithful old friend.

965. You couldn't shoot it in the face.

966. - Oh, no! - No, no, no, you couldn't.

967. - No, exactly. This isn't like that. - No.

968. - If you stick with the dog thing... - Please do.

969. this would basically jump up at visitors

970. and get mud all down their trousers, and dig big holes in the lawn.

971. - It's a little puppy. - It is a puppy car dog!

972. You'd leave it in the garage at night

973. and you'd put down squares of newspaper,

974. and then in the morning, there'll be a little pile

975. in the bit that you hadn't put the newspaper on.

976. - You couldn't smack it. - No! With its little face!

977. It would do the ears. It should have two ears.

978. - Little cockeye that... - Fitted as standard, yeah.

979. And it would go bury its instruction manual in the garden.

980. That's what it would do.

981. And then you'd open the door to the vicar,

982. and there would be the Clio clamped to his leg!

983. - And you couldn't... He's a puppy! - I'm sorry, it's my Clio!

984. Anyway, um, obviously it needs to be house trained.

985. And luckily, we have just the man for that.

986. Bring him on.

987. Barbara Stighouse!

988. Okay. He's scrabbling off the line.

989. Trashing control computer is off

990. leaving just the raw processing power of the Stig's foot.

991. First bend, tyres squeal,

992. as he loads up the right front wheel.

993. Very, very cleanly out of there.

994. Shocking music, pelting into Chicago.

995. That is unbelievably neat!

996. Not just 182 brake horsepower, the Clio also has nearly 150 torque,

997. so it really lugs out of the bends.

998. Hammerhead normally shows up front-wheel drive cars.

999. This one, though, has got special Michelin Exalto tyres.

1000. They were actually developed specially for this car, and clearly, they are working.

1001. This car has the power-to-weight ratio of 168 brake horsepower per tonne.

1002. Same as a Lotus Elise.

1003. This is looking very good. And there he is, cocking his little wheel there,

1004. waiting for the vicar to come.

1005. And across the line in one minute 33.8,

1006. - which, actually, is pretty good. - That's not bad.

1007. It's only half a second off that 3.2 litre Golf Labrador.

1008. And way faster than the mad dog, Alfa 147 GTA.

1009. Rabid thing that is. That's not bad for a little puppy.

1010. No. Very, very good.