Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 5

1. On today's show,

2. a new Rover goes for a smoke round our track.

3. Ooh!

4. Richard gets whacked with 800,000 volts.

5. And we take three cars to the birthplace of British speed.

6. Hello and welcome.

7. Now, a couple of months ago,

8. a whole load of new family hatchbacks suddenly arrived on the market.

9. Stuff like the Vauxhall Astra here and the new Volkswagen Golf.

10. And, obviously, we reacted immediately.

11. We worked tirelessly through the nights sometimes

12. thinking up excuses for not bothering to test them.

13. Eventually, the producer told us to stop being so stupid,

14. so we drew straws, and Hammond lost.

15. First off the blocks is the new Vauxhall Astra.

16. The Model T for the modern sales rep.

17. It's always been a bit of a nothing car, the Astra.

18. The third cousin whose head is obscured in the back of the wedding photo.

19. You just don't care if it isn't there.

20. But this new car is trying much harder to get noticed.

21. There's some interesting touches on the outside

22. and more of a club class feel on the inside.

23. Look at this console.

24. Climate control, CD stacker, colour screen.

25. It's got the lot in here.

26. It's like a middle manager's dashboard

27. fitted into a junior rep's car.

28. In fact, every car gets ABS, CD player

29. and a clutch of front and side airbags as standard.

30. But where they really have pulled out all the stops

31. is in trying to make the Astra drive as well as the Ford Focus,

32. which is by far and away, the best driving of all these hatches.

33. To bring it up to scratch, what Vauxhall have done

34. is smother the chassis in electronics and computer devices.

35. It is a good compromise between a little bit of sportiness

36. and, actually, plenty of grip.

37. It certainly doesn't feel as dull and heavy as a... Well, an Astra.

38. And, you know, it's not bad.

39. And that, I'm afraid, is its problem.

40. It's not bad.

41. But it's still not as good to drive as the Focus.

42. And nor does it look as wild and bold as the Renault Megane.

43. The new Astra could have, should have been an exciting car.

44. It should have stood out,

45. but, sadly, it remains a pleasant all-rounder for pleasant people.

46. Next up, the Mazda3.

47. This is one of those cars they just couldn't stop designing.

48. "Oh, I'll just add another line here and a crease there."

49. But, again, hardly a design classic.

50. But what it has got going for it is the price.

51. That Astra was a 1.6 and it cost £14,400.

52. For the same money, in the Mazda,

53. you get a two-litre engine

54. and you get traction control, climate control, ABS,

55. CD, alloys. You get the lot.

56. So, it's cheap.

57. Unfortunately, it also feels cheap.

58. What's the opposite of premium?

59. 'Cause that's what it feels like in here.

60. At some point, some fool has let an accountant loose with it

61. and that's always bad.

62. There's none of what marketing people call "surprise and delight".

63. It's just a bit...

64. Really, apart from this,

65. when you turn the stereo on, these cool lights go across.

66. Look at that!

67. Now, when you turn it off, they go the other way.

68. That's great. That's the best bit.

69. So there we are, the Pleasantville Astra

70. and the all-you-can-eat family bargain bucket Mazda3.

71. But you won't be interested in either of those

72. because there's a new version of the car

73. that everyone always buys with their own money.

74. The hatchback daddy!

75. The new Golf!

76. Now, don't go looking too hard for any big changes in the shape

77. 'cause you'll just strain your eyes for nothing.

78. Not only do the looks remain almost the same,

79. so do the high prices.

80. The 1.6 SE costs £15,285.

81. That's £2,000 more than the Mazda.

82. But hang on, it isn't as bad as it sounds.

83. For that, you get a single shot CD player,

84. you get air conditioning, ABS, alloys...

85. In other words, almost the same kit as the Mazda.

86. And if you're talking value for money,

87. there is something more important.

88. This is a Golf, so it will hold its value better,

89. which means you should get your cash back at the other end.

90. It's been around for 30 years now.

91. When you've sold 22 million of something,

92. you don't change the recipe.

93. You just try and tweak it, make it a bit better.

94. So this new model is also more fun to drive

95. and it's bigger inside.

96. And when the big stuff is sorted, we come down to the attention to detail.

97. If, for example, you dent the bodywork on a new Golf,

98. you can now simply change the outer skin

99. rather than incur the cost of getting a whole new panel.

100. Like the game, it bores me to tell you,

101. but the Golf is the one you'll want to buy. Good shot.

102. It's not exciting, but VW have had so long now

103. to work on it

104. and to get it just right,

105. that the others simply can't dent its appeal.

106. If I can just sum up, then, on these three new cars

107. the Golf is still the one you want to be in.

108. So, which would you buy, then? Volkswagen, Vauxhall or Mazda?

109. - Ford Focus. - To be honest, I would.

110. Well, I mean, I'd think about the Renault Megane,

111. but then I'd still be thinking about it as I pulled up outside the Ford dealership.

112. - I just would. - Ford is very good,

113. - but getting on a bit now. - It's six years old now.

114. But it is still by far and away the best one to drive of all these family hatches.

115. Tell you what worries me is Mazda

116. is owned by Ford these days and that Mazda

117. - you drove, the... - Three.

118. - Three. If you peel away the body... - Yeah.

119. and take the badge off it, that is the new Focus,

120. - which is coming along in... - About four months.

121. Four months' time.

122. So, what we're saying is, if you're looking for a sensible family hatchback,

123. get down to the Ford dealership

124. and buy a Focus now before Ford ruin it.

125. And now, the news.

126. And the big news this week is that the price

127. of petrol has passed the £1 per litre mark.

128. - Oh! - I know.

129. - But... It's bad, but it's a good time... - Hooyah!

130. for Jaguar to launch the new S-type diesel.

131. Which has a 2.7-litre V6 turbo diesel

132. and does 40 miles to the gallon. A very good time.

133. But I'm not sure, no matter how good the engine is, that I'd go for that one.

134. Yeah, you see, we're missing something, aren't we?

135. Let's be absolutely honest.

136. It is, as Jeremy's demonstrating, hideous!

137. Look!

138. It does look exactly like that.

139. - It is hideous. - I think it looks like a dead cod.

140. It does look like something washed up on a beach.

141. Can anybody think of a car currently available that's uglier than an S-type Jag?

142. Fiat Multipla! Fiat Multipla?

143. No, you see... No, a Multipla's fine.

144. Changed. Thank you.

145. - What? Who said thank you? - Have you got one?

146. - Does someone... - You own a Multipla?

147. The owner of a Multipla!

148. He's here!

149. Honestly, I really do believe that is the ugliest car that money can buy.

150. Great new engine, we don't care.

151. Sticking with Jaguar in the, uh, studio here,

152. we've got the new Jaguar limousine.

153. Now, interestingly,

154. Jaguar say that that car isn't just a stretched version of the XJ.

155. Really? Hang on. How's it different?

156. - Is the front different? - No.

157. Is the engine the same? Yep.

158. - Gearbox the same? - Yep.

159. Dashboard? Yes.

160. - Wheels, seats? - Yes.

161. Try the length.

162. So, it's a bit longer. It's five inches longer,

163. - which gives you more rear leg room. - So, that's it?

164. - That's it. - They're all doing this now, aren't they?

165. BMW, Audi, Mercedes, they've all made slightly longer cars,

166. versions of cars that already are long.

167. - And they're all useless because... - They are.

168. - They've all got... - Air suspension...

169. - Which does... - Not...

170. - Work. - Absolutely.

171. - It doesn't work. - Something I've just thought about, though,

172. is, that car has got an extra five inches in it

173. - so that you get better rear leg room. Yeah? - Yeah.

174. - Yeah. - Why don't they just make them all that long?

175. 'Cause you don't buy a Jag because you want a small car, do you?

176. Some of us don't need leg room.

177. Well, it's true.

178. Now, Britain's last major mass manufacturer

179. has a new flagship out and we've got it here.

180. It's the MG ZT 260 which sounds very exciting

181. but it looks exactly like a Rover 75.

182. And we know what that means.

183. The Rover 75, the car that's always sold with a queue of vehicles

184. in its wake, unable to get past.

185. You never see one of these things

186. going along at more than 37 miles an hour.

187. Really, it should have a wood-burning stove instead of a heater

188. and mullion windows and perhaps a thatched roof.

189. Rover, therefore, decided to do this faster, bigger-engined MG version.

190. But, unfortunately, they're not exactly well funded at the moment.

191. Obviously, they didn't have enough cash to design their own engine

192. so they've bought one from Ford.

193. It's the 4.6-litre V8 from a Mustang, and it's a terrible engine.

194. It's got two valves per cylinder,

195. it's made out of volcanic rock and pig iron,

196. it produces carbon dioxide in lumps the size of houses,

197. it produces less power for its size than the engine in a Daewoo Matisse,

198. and if you push it, it does about nine miles to the gallon.

199. This is rubbish!

200. And they couldn't hook it up to the front wheels

201. like they do with the engines in normal Rovers,

202. so they had to send the power down a prop shaft

203. to the back wheels.

204. And that meant designing a new floor and new suspension.

205. And then they really were out of money.

206. I mean, they went through their pockets,

207. they looked down the back of the sofa,

208. they raided the kids' money boxes, but there was nothing.

209. Nothing left at all to change the styling.

210. So they've ended up with a brand new car

211. that looks exactly the same as the old one.

212. That doesn't matter on the outside.

213. Apart from the new radiator grill,

214. which looks like a Victorian hearth,

215. it's not such a bad-looking old Hector.

216. But it does matter on the inside.

217. It's got an old-fashioned dash, old-fashioned dials,

218. the wheel from a ship,

219. there's not much space in the back

220. and now there's a thumping V8 under the bonnet,

221. there's nowhere to put my left foot either.

222. There are other problems, too.

223. It isn't that powerful, it isn't that fast,

224. it isn't that well-equipped and the top model costs £33,000.

225. Which is a lot,

226. especially as it will depreciate as fast as last year's laptop.

227. And yet, there is something about it.

228. First of all, the engine.

229. It may be a gammy leg, but Rover's boffins have worked wonders with it.

230. It sounds nice in a muted, rumbly sort of way, and it is surprisingly smooth.

231. Think of it as Louis Armstrong.

232. Look at this. I'm doing 40 miles an hour in fourth gear.

233. Put my foot down and it takes five and a half seconds to get to 60.

234. Now. Stay in fourth,

235. put my foot down again, and it's five and a half seconds

236. to get to 80.

237. There. Foot down again

238. and to get to 100,

239. five and a half seconds.

240. You never need to change gear!

241. Ever!

242. And there's something else, too.

243. God knows how they've managed it

244. with nothing more than a socket set

245. and a gift voucher from Halfords,

246. but they've made a car which handles like nothing I've ever driven.

247. Everything happens in slow motion.

248. When the back steps out of line like that,

249. you've got time to read the instruction manual

250. to find out what you should be doing about it.

251. From the outside, this looks dramatic and frightening,

252. but from the inside, it's as relaxing as a head massage.

253. You soon forget that your left leg's coming off

254. and that you're driving around in Dr Finlay's underpants.

255. And you forget also that the engine was made out of stone

256. by people who at the time hadn't even discovered fire.

257. You forget all this because it's just so unbelievably calm.

258. Slow motion!

259. Whoo!

260. You've got to remember that the Spitfire, the WWII fighter,

261. was designed and developed for just £12,500.

262. And this car is another example of that British pluck.

263. I'll tell you what this car demonstrates better than anything else.

264. Impecunity, it's the mother of ingenuity.

265. So, let's move on, shall we, and meet our guests.

266. We've actually got two of them this week.

267. They were the king and the queen of breakfast television.

268. Since then, she's gone on to be a Broadway star and a queen of the West End.

269. He, meanwhile, has got a job on a local radio station.

270. Ladies and gentlemen, Denise Van Outen and Johnny Vaughan!

271. Come through.

272. Oh, nice to see you!

273. - All right, Jeremy? Here's Denise. - How are you?

274. - Thank you. - Thank you.

275. - Have a seat. - We can sit here?

276. Yes, sit there.

277. Back on television together!

278. - Yeah, how about that? - First time, I think, isn't it?

279. - First time since you left The Big Breakfast? - Since... In three years.

280. - I do believe. - Yeah, seriously. It's like...

281. And you can sense the thrill amongst the crowd as well.

282. And they better get used to it,

283. 'cause you're back, um, full time now Saturday nights.

284. Oh, the plug bit. When are we back?

285. We're back 3rd of July, Saturday nights at 7:00 p.m. On BBC One.

286. It's a sort of Big Date Generation Game Party House,

287. - isn't it? So, basically... - Yes. You're exactly right.

288. Now, Denise, you're the First Lady of Essex, really.

289. So, when you were growing up, motoring-wise, was it like XR3s?

290. Um, yeah, definitely. I went out with a guy once who had the XR3i Cabriolet.

291. "Once" being the right word!

292. No, it's true!

293. I went to a night club in Romford

294. and he drove so fast that he frightened the life out of me.

295. Did you ever feel the need to kind of join in on that?

296. No, I was quite happy being a passenger at the time.

297. You didn't have a car?

298. No, I did. My first car actually, was a Metro.

299. - I, um... - On the stilettos?

300. Yeah... No, I used to wear...

301. I did actually once go out on a date with a guy

302. and I was wearing a pair of '70s knee-high boots

303. when they sort of came back into fashion about 10, 12 years ago,

304. and they had a platform on them.

305. And I was driving in those 'cause I didn't want to take them off.

306. It's a perfect driving shoe.

307. But I didn't want the guy to see

308. that I was actually much shorter than he thought I was,

309. 'cause he thought he was going out with a leggy blonde.

310. So I drove in my shoes and the car was a write-off.

311. Oh...

312. - You wrote it off? Good work! - No, seriously.

313. I look at girls walking down the street and think,

314. "How are you going to drive a car in those?"

315. There is a big shoe issue. Well, you know, girls, don't you?

316. You always have your driving shoes.

317. - Do you have driving shoes? - I've got a comfortable driving shoe.

318. I've got a little ballet pump that I slip into normally if I'm going to drive.

319. Is that what you're doing when you come out of a petrol...

320. Have you noticed this?

321. You're at a petrol station, there's a car in front,

322. a woman comes out after paying for it,

323. gets in, closes the door, five minutes go by!

324. What are you doing in there?

325. - Changing into ballet pumps. - Exactly!

326. In our defence, there are things to do.

327. You have to do your make-up, check you look okay,

328. change your shoes, check your text messages.

329. I'd like to have the car rolling before the doors shut.

330. Yeah, I know. Really quick back in.

331. Um, now, Johnny, your car history is way different than that.

332. You've now got a Maserati.

333. Yeah, I've got the Maserati. I've got, actually, the previous model,

334. the last proper Maserati.

335. It's the 3.2 V8 Biturbo

336. with the boomerang rear lights.

337. Do you know what's meant by the boomerang rear lights on the previous...

338. - Yes! - Of course, they do.

339. - No. - They're heavy-knuckle petrol heads to a man.

340. I'm completely lost here.

341. The old Maserati, it had lights, very thin lights,

342. that curved around with the shape of the wing.

343. - LED as well... - Yeah.

344. On the new one, they've just put, like, they've got them off a marina.

345. Well, let's have a look. Let's have a look.

346. Here's the new one. This is on the 4.2. This is the one designed...

347. Have a look at that.

348. Now, you know the reason why they've done that.

349. The reason why they did that,

350. they asked an American focus group about rear lights.

351. So they all look like a Maserati Honda Civic kind of thing.

352. They've made them look like burgers!

353. Yeah, brilliant!

354. They made them look like...

355. - We couldn't have done that. - No, we couldn't have.

356. I wouldn't have thought of that. It's the Essex thing.

357. - Kebabs, perhaps! - Kebabs, as well.

358. When does a confident Italian car manufacturer

359. start listening to American focus groups when it designs a car?

360. Kinda drove me mad. And that's why I haven't got the new 4.2 whatever it's called.

361. - The big, long Italian... - So, stuck with the old one?

362. Stuck with the old one. Because I like the engine noise as well.

363. 'Cause you are from a family of engineers.

364. Yeah, I am. All my family are engineers.

365. But our big kind of name drop engineer in the family is Harry Mundy.

366. - He was, uh... - We've got a photograph of him.

367. - Here's Harry Mundy. - Okay, I wanna bring him...

368. Here he is, on the end, the little chap.

369. - Oh, now you know. - He's your uncle, okay.

370. - He designed the... - He designed the 5.3 V12 Jaguar.

371. - He was Jaguar's chief engineer from 1963. - That's impressive.

372. - So, he designed the... - Yeah.

373. And it gets better. He also designed the Coventry Climax!

374. He designed the Coventry Climax!

375. Whoa!

376. - It's a great name for a film, it's a great name for a car. - It's a great name for a girl!

377. It's a great name for a girl!

378. - A pole dancer! - Yeah, it's a good one.

379. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Rhythm Is a Dancer

380. - and... - "Up on stage, Coventry Climax.

381. "She's wet 'n' wild, fellas. Oh, yeah, she's doing it for you."

382. Do you have any idea what we're on about at this point?

383. I'm completely lost.

384. - I think we refound her at Coventry Climax! - You did!

385. - I got that... - But you went out with Jay Kay for...

386. - Yeah. - But, surely, some of his enthusiasm,

387. which is legendary, rubbed off on you?

388. Yeah, I mean, I used to enjoy going out in the cars with him,

389. but I'm not one for really flashy cars.

390. I don't really sort of get that.

391. I like a car that can just get me from A to B.

392. - Really? - Yeah.

393. I've got the new Audi A3 on order, which is a good little practical car.

394. That's a hatchback! What'd you bought a hatchback for?

395. I'm not very good at parking,

396. so I need something quite small that I can slip in nicely.

397. I bet you do, love!

398. I'm looking forward to BBC One, 6:00.

399. - Live as well, isn't it? - Yeah.

400. No, I'm excited about my new car. Why don't you like them?

401. - What have you... - A3s?

402. They... It's like water.

403. But they do a sporty version. They do an R version or something.

404. Well, of course they do. But you're not having the R version presumably?

405. - I am, yes. - Oh, you're having the R version!

406. This is the girl who got me for a birthday present...

407. I did actually. And I've never seen them.

408. No, I put them on the car, but I sold the car.

409. What? What? What are they?

410. - I bought you as a Big Breakfastleaving present... - Alloys!

411. - What an Essex girl gets someone! - No.

412. She bought me AMG alloys

413. 'cause I bought a CLK320 when it first came out.

414. But Denise very kindly bought the AMG wheels for it.

415. - And then he sold the car! - No, I didn't.

416. - I took the AMG wheels off before I sold the car. - Right.

417. Funnily enough, I've just got £580 for them on eBay.

418. Seriously, yeah. I'm doing it for you.

419. Your laps...

420. I beg your pardon?

421. Not now, Jeremy.

422. - That's enough. - Would you like to see a little shot we've got of...

423. - Of these two having a bit of a practice... - It can't be the slowest ever.

424. I'm not going to show you the lap,

425. I'm just gonna show the ladies and gentlemen a bit of a practice.

426. He did it really well. I was really impressed, actually.

427. - Really well? - Yeah, he was really good.

428. - This is by Essex standards? - Yes.

429. Okay, let's have a look at

430. some of Johnny's "really well" driving.

431. Here we go...

432. Oh, it's coming down to that very difficult corner where everybody goes off.

433. Oh, my word!

434. Yes!

435. - That frightened you, there, didn't it? - No, it didn't.

436. - It did. - Can't believe it.

437. That was really good, was it?

438. Because they asked me to give it a bit of wheel spin for the crowd.

439. They said it was too boringly brilliant.

440. Do you know, I actually... I did feel Johnny's heart after that.

441. - It was going so fast. - Do you know what's really lovely?

442. It's crashing like that, going through...

443. You know that feeling you get when you crash? It's awful. It's a place you go to.

444. It was so nice to be able to do it in a carefree environment.

445. You should rename this whole area "Stag World".

446. Just for men to roam free.

447. You come here and just crash cars, and in here,

448. all these poles will have ladies going up and down.

449. This is marvellous. People being sick

450. and other guys paintballing while you drive.

451. This is "Clarky's Stag World!" A franchise!

452. And it's actually a family day out the dads will actually bloody enjoy.

453. 'Cause whenever I see ads saying "family day out",

454. there's one poor... Yeah, who's not enjoying it.

455. - So, how did he do, anyway? I mean... - We're going to see it.

456. He's slightly mocking. I don't think we did that well.

457. Well, we're gonna find out.

458. Because after the spin, we then got the stopwatch out.

459. - Right. - And, uh, here we go.

460. Tell me.

461. Go!

462. I smell burning. Do you get that?

463. Do you get me?

464. It's completely the wrong line.

465. It's not the wrong line, she was perfect.

466. - Are you really proud? - Proud of you.

467. Well, Essex girl is proud of man in car!

468. That's the most manly thing that has happened to me ever in life!

469. - Oh, my... - Come on, that's how you test a vehicle!

470. Here's a tip. Change gear before you get to a corner.

471. Ready?

472. Beautiful. Stopped.

473. There's the gear change!

474. Thank you!

475. This is like a night out in Essex.

476. You could take me for a drive round Essex's country roads, love.

477. Yeah, "I'll take you for a lovey drive, love."

478. If this was a Sunday afternoon and you were taking me for a little spin in your car,

479. - I'd definitely go home and put out. - Would you?

480. You'd put out for that sort of driving?

481. Why don't you use all the road?

482. If I could follow this up with, like, two hours

483. of doughnutting in a Sainsbury car park.

484. Oh!

485. Suddenly we wake up for the last corner!

486. That's how you do that!

487. That is how you do that! You know it!

488. - You know it. - I thought you did a really good job, actually.

489. I thought it was a good job. Good job well done.

490. 'Cause they all had lots of practise. That was my first time round.

491. No, you see, that's just not true!

492. 'Cause we saw you first time around, ended up going backwards!

493. Actually, it was a lie easily discovered. Well done, Jeremy.

494. Where do you think you've come on there?

495. I've probably... I don't know. I don't think it's that fast.

496. - Above Jordan. - I'd say probably, maybe...

497. Hope to have made just above Enfield.

498. Between Enfield and Vegas maybe.

499. No, no, no! You're way faster than that!

500. - What do you think, Denise? - Between Gordon and Vorderman.

501. - Gordon and where are we now. Oh, Gordon and Vorderman! - Yeah.

502. Now, that's ambitious.

503. Is it?

504. - One minute... - Yeah?

505. fifty...

506. three point four.

507. Which frankly is dreadful!

508. - It's not that bad! - It's dreadful!

509. I mean, you didn't say that to Vinnie Jones. He got 1.53.

510. - I'm surprised actually. - Don't argue with me.

511. - I thought it was much faster. - I thought it would be much quicker than that.

512. In my defence, in all fairness, this was the problem I was having.

513. I was also carrying quite a weight in the car.

514. I had a passenger.

515. And that's the only personal issue...

516. Not you!

517. Not you. Not you, but Denise Van Outen's make-up bag.

518. It's a fair point. It's a fair point.

519. - No, seriously. - No, that is true.

520. - Now that's with a passenger! - It's true.

521. A car as underpowered as that, you know, actually...

522. The weight of Denise, as slight and beautiful as she is...

523. - I've altered it. There we are. - That's an extra 7.5 stone.

524. - I've moved you up now by 0.2 of a second. - Yeah.

525. - Can I just say... - Is that how you adjust? As randomly as that?

526. - Yeah, that's it. - There's technicians out there

527. - doing power-to-car weight ratios and bhp talk... - No, it's not the timing.

528. And that comes down to Clarkson with his chubby fingers

529. moving me above Fay Ripley?

530. - It's pathetic! It's pathetic. - The timing has gone all...

531. You're just a charlatan.

532. Anyway, the thing is, is that you do have one distinction.

533. There's only been David Soul who came here

534. with his American ways and bust a car.

535. Yeah, respect, yeah.

536. - And I looked in their eyes, and I saw respect. - Shall we just see...

537. Shall we just see... And not just broke it,

538. didn't own up to it.

539. Didn't...

540. Unfortunately, I couldn't not own up to it because it simply wouldn't move off...

541. Can we just see this attempt here, okay?

542. Watch this, for sheer bad manners.

543. It's just humiliation.

544. Oh, it's gone.

545. I can smell burning.

546. - It's not going. - Something's happened to the car.

547. Get out. Just... Don't. Just get out the car. Act like nothing's happened.

548. Ladies and gentlemen, Denise and Johnny!

549. Denise Van Outen!

550. Jeremy Clarkson!

551. - Jeremy, Denise. - Thank you.

552. - Thank you so much. - Thank you.

553. Now. Now, did you know that in this country

554. more people are struck by lightning than are crushed by reptiles

555. or injured as the result of a prolonged stay in a weightless environment?

556. Yeah. It turns out lightning really is a hidden menace.

557. - Your point being? - Well, this. What happens if you are struck by lightning

558. in a car?

559. Oh, we'd be all right, then, because you've got rubber tyres.

560. Ah! Not necessarily, you see? Because

561. car makers don't test for this sort of thing.

562. So, after being pelted by golf balls,

563. Top Geararranged for a car to be struck by lightning,

564. with me in it.

565. There are very few places in the world that have the technology

566. to blast a car with lightning.

567. Two of those places are in Holland and Germany.

568. But only one of those nations is laid back, liberal and fun-loving enough

569. to let me actually sit in the car

570. whilst they hit it with 800,000 volts.

571. Yep, it's those zany Germans.

572. This is the Siemens high voltage lab in Berlin.

573. Normally, this place builds and tests high voltage equipment

574. for power stations and the national grid.

575. These transformers can generate almost two million volts of pure electricity.

576. But today, they're going to use that electricity for something else.

577. To make lightning.

578. They're going to zap me and this car with 800,000 volts,

579. which is a lot.

580. Stuff in your house runs on 240 volts.

581. If it hits me directly, they'll clear me away with a shovel.

582. You might be thinking that the tyres are going to protect me

583. by insulating the car from earth because they're rubber.

584. No. If the electricity can make it from sky to the car,

585. it can make it from the car to the ground.

586. What's going to protect me is this. The body shell itself.

587. Like all cars, the new Golf's body forms a Faraday cage.

588. And a Faraday cage is something that attracts electricity,

589. and then sends it shooting around the outside,

590. so that whatever's inside shouldn't be harmed.

591. But the problem is, this isn't like brakes or air bags.

592. Car firms don't test for lightning strikes.

593. So I have no idea how it'll go.

594. Right. My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.

595. The lightning will come out of these transformers, along the wires,

596. and then shoot down to the car.

597. What was that?

598. Okay, I'll start to raise the voltage now.

599. He's starting to raise the "woltage".

600. Two hundred thousand volts.

601. We did have a briefing with the scientist,

602. and he said to keep my hands together

603. towards the centre of the car and away from any metal objects.

604. But it's a car. It's made of metal.

605. Four hundred thousand volts.

606. I can hear a noise. I can hear a buzzing now.

607. Six hundred thousand volts.

608. It's really buzzing now.

609. I don't know what's going to happen when it does come.

610. I'm about to be hit by lightning. I know I am.

611. It's building. It really is building. It builds the tension with it.

612. It's quite a strange...

613. You can almost feel the tension...

614. Oh, that's scary. That's...

615. I'm being hit by lightning!

616. My hands are buzzing.

617. Hey!

618. Oh, now it's doing stuff to my car. I've got "error" up on the dashboard.

619. Hand-brake light flashing.

620. So, it works.

621. Assuming I'm not now talking to you with wings and a harp,

622. I'm alive.

623. Question is, is the car? The electric windows work, obviously.

624. Lights, they work.

625. Stereo... That's nice. Lovely.

626. Indicators. I mean, everything.

627. And it starts! It still works!

628. Amazing.

629. So, um...

630. So, were you killed to death, then?

631. No, I wasn't. But I did prove that if you do live in... I don't know,

632. that thunder storm valley in Oklahoma

633. and you crash into a substation in your car, everything's gonna be fine.

634. Good. Another Top Gear top tip there, very useful.

635. Let's do the Cool Wall, shall we? Yes!

636. Porsche Carrera GT came here last week, as you know,

637. - blitzed our track. - Fabulous car.

638. - 119.8. Fastest thing ever. - Yeah.

639. Brilliant car.

640. - What are we saying? - Sub-zero.

641. - Sub-zero? - Sub-zero.

642. - Sub-zero? - Sub-zero.

643. - I'm with the masses. - All completely wrong!

644. No!

645. Jeremy!

646. It's vulgar!

647. Listen to them! They're right on. It's not vulgar!

648. It's a vulgar car.

649. - It's beautiful! - If you turn up to pick up Kristin Scott Thomas in that,

650. she's gonna say, "You're showing off."

651. - Yes, she is. You're right. - And you're going to go, "I am, actually."

652. - It's just a hyper car. - I disagree.

653. None of those hyper cars can be cool. So what about this, then?

654. McLaren. SLR.

655. Sub-zero... Uncool?

656. Uncool? Wrong. Cool.

657. Hang on.

658. - You agree. Hang on a minute. You agree? - Yeah, I think it's cool.

659. - You think it's cool? - Yeah.

660. - You got an opinion on anything? - It's cool.

661. Who said it was uncool?

662. Hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you think it's uncool?

663. Because it's as vulgar as the Porsche. In fact it's less good-looking than the Porsche.

664. I saw it going round the track, and it's ghastly.

665. - He's so wrong! - Just hang on a second.

666. Now, according to these new, again added rules of cool, according to Clarkson,

667. you said hyper cars like this and like that are uncool.

668. So according to what you just said, it belongs down... I mean...

669. If you turn up to pick Kristin up in that,

670. she's going to think it's a Merc. Like a C-class diesel.

671. No, she's not!

672. You have to be a monumental car bore to know that's a McLaren!

673. - You do! - It's as spangly as a giant disco glitter ball!

674. - Look at it! - It's cool! It's cool. And that's an end.

675. - The thing is... But... - It's the end!

676. It's the end of the discussion!

677. - Oh, he's scary close-up. - BMW, 6 Series.

678. - Hmm. - What do we think of that?

679. Sub-zero.

680. Cool? Cool?

681. We think this is a cool car.

682. And it's a first. It's the first cool BMW on our wall.

683. The question is, though, is it a good one?

684. Well, we sent James west to find out.

685. The 645i Coupe.

686. Basically, a two-door 5 Series.

687. Unusually for a modern BMW, most of the styling is fairly uncontroversial.

688. You could even call it pretty.

689. I would.

690. What's not unusual, though, is the way it drives.

691. The engine is in the front where it should be.

692. The power goes to the rear wheels as it should.

693. And the whole thing feels like a piece of precision engineering.

694. The engine is a 4.4L, 330 horsepower V8.

695. But don't expect an uncouth American soundtrack.

696. You might get

697. a bit of a V8 rumble.

698. But for the most parts, it's just a smooth, civilised hum.

699. This interior. Now, it's not particularly flashy or flamboyant.

700. In fact, you could say it's rather boring.

701. But everything works.

702. Everything is somehow exactly where you'd expect it to be.

703. It's spacious, too, for a Coupe, and it has a large boot.

704. This is an ideal car, then, for the businessman

705. who needs to get home after a hard day at mill.

706. Mind you, the owner of this particular mill won't like the 6 Series one bit,

707. because this is Port Talbot,

708. where they make four million tonnes of steel every year.

709. None of which ends up in this car.

710. It looks like steel, but it's actually a cocktail of weight-saving materials.

711. This wing, for example,

712. is made of plastic and the bonnet, that's aluminium.

713. The idea is to make it lighter and sharper to drive,

714. more of an ultimate driving machine.

715. So far, there's only one thing I can find wrong with it.

716. Because this is a coupe, they've given it a firm, sporty suspension.

717. Then they've fitted it with these rock-hard, run flat tyres.

718. So, you won't have to stop to change the wheel.

719. But you might want to stop at the osteopath.

720. So, what we have here, then, is a typical BMW.

721. And coming up next is a typical Hammond riposte.

722. You really can't think about spending £50,000 or so on a sports coupe

723. without at least considering one of these.

724. The Porsche 911.

725. For this kind of money, you're not going to get a top-end Turbo

726. and it's not going to have four-wheel drive, either.

727. You'll have to settle for the entry level.

728. Simple, plain Carrera 2. And that's good.

729. Because it's the best of the bunch.

730. Where the BMW is organised and sober,

731. this is raw and visceral and exciting.

732. The BMW's a saloon in leisurewear.

733. This feels like it was designed from day one to be a sports car.

734. There's a sense of, well, completeness

735. to this bottom rung of the 911 ladder.

736. It's made like a gun.

737. Everything's well-oiled and accurate and precise and tough.

738. Changing gear is like

739. loading another shell into a Lee-Enfield 303 rifle.

740. The suspension on a 911 is,

741. and I'm trying to describe it.

742. You feel everything at the steering wheel.

743. I can feel the texture of the road in my hands.

744. It's like reaching out and running my hands along the road.

745. This, then, is a great car.

746. Lovely. But I think it's time now

747. to re-acquaint ourselves with something a little less

748. German.

749. The Jaguar XK is eight years old now.

750. And in here, it's starting to feel its age.

751. It's very, very cramped.

752. It's made of all kind of things from the far end of the periodic table.

753. And although they have tried to keep it up-to-date over the years with lots of

754. new bits of equipment like Sat Nav and adaptive, active cruise control,

755. there was nowhere to put any of the buttons.

756. So you can never find anything!

757. On the outside, though, all is well.

758. Over the years, they've lowered the suspension

759. and fitted massive drug-dealer wheels.

760. There's been a bit of dental work at the front, a bit of Botox here,

761. a bit of liposuction there, and the old girl looks like she was born yesterday.

762. They've even given her a new heart.

763. Like the BMW, it has a big V8, a 4.2.

764. But unlike the BMW, it has a supercharger.

765. And that means you get 400bhp.

766. That's 70 more than you get from the Beamer

767. and 80 more than you get from the Porsche.

768. This car is seriously quick.

769. This one has the optional handling pack so you get sharper steering,

770. spikier suspension and bigger brakes, but I wouldn't bother with that.

771. Because really, it's not what Jags are all about.

772. It's like playing five-a-side football in Blenheim Palace.

773. What you want is the standard car

774. because then you've got something that's very, very, very, very fast.

775. And very comfortable at the same time.

776. I have to say, I like this car more now than I ever have done,

777. but how does it stack up

778. to the Germans?

779. Well, you've got the business jet, I've got the tornado,

780. where's Hammond and the Messerschmitt?

781. - You did say 10:00 a.m., didn't you? - Yeah.

782. Where the hell is he, then?

783. Ooh!

784. Eventually, he stopped fooling around

785. on the Welsh mountain roads and joined us

786. at one of the most remarkable places in the British Isles.

787. Pendine Sands.

788. So, here we are.

789. All three cars together on this enormous playground.

790. And now we must decide which is best.

791. All we learn to begin with is just how hard it is

792. to drive a powerful, rear-drive car on wet sand.

793. They just go sideways. Constantly.

794. After many hours of arduous fun, I mean, practice,

795. we worked out that the Jag and the Porsche were a riot.

796. And the BMW? Well, that was a bit like watching your dad trying to dance.

797. Strewth! I'm giving this up! This is lethal.

798. It's not bad,

799. but it simply doesn't have the exuberance of the Jaguar

800. or the poise of the Porsche.

801. However, maybe things would be different in a straight-line drag race.

802. This will be a drag race with a difference because

803. there's so little traction on the beach that there's every chance

804. you can spin in a straight line.

805. I'm fairly sure one of us...

806. Maybe all of us will cross the line either backwards

807. or upside down.

808. And we're off!

809. The rear engine in the Porsche meant it had better traction off the line,

810. but the sheer power of the Jag meant it couldn't pull out much of a lead.

811. That Porsche is completely planted.

812. The car moves around a lot as you accelerate.

813. And the BMW? That was nowhere.

814. Come on, car! Won't go in a straight line!

815. It isn't so much a test of how fast the car goes,

816. but how able you are to hold it in a straight line on what feels more like sheet ice.

817. You can feel it snatching and grabbing as it gets grip and then loses it.

818. Jag is in the lead!

819. Whoa!

820. - Hammond's gone! - Oh! That's a big one!

821. Whoo-hoo!

822. Hammond beat me going backwards!

823. Let's not forget, though,

824. that the BMW is the most spacious car here,

825. with the largest rear seats and the biggest boot.

826. It's also the cheapest by £6,000.

827. And it will look good in the Pringle-ised world of your local golf club.

828. But here, though, at Britain's birthplace of speed, it is completely outclassed.

829. To find out if my colleagues shared this view,

830. we peeled off for a cup of tea.

831. So, chaps,

832. if it were your money, you had to go out tomorrow and buy one of those cars,

833. big two-door coupe, lot of money, what's it gonna be?

834. For its drive, and it's so far ahead of the Jaguar, as a drive,

835. I'd have to have the 911.

836. I mean, I'm not really a 911 sort of person, but I get in that car

837. and I drive away and I think, "Wow, this is really special."

838. But I'd have the Jag. It's a huge car,

839. you're sitting in a tiny cabin.

840. You're using an immense amount of fuel, but it's sort of... It's all yours.

841. Now I'll tell you the... The worry for me would be, if you bought the 911,

842. at some point you are going to be on a country road enjoying that brilliant drive,

843. you're going to look in your mirror and you're gonna see one of those Jags and think,

844. "Oh, I should have gone for that one."

845. I'll tell you what I think is interesting here.

846. We haven't discussed the BMW.

847. - Well, it's boring. - It's like Munich, actually.

848. But it is. If you think about it, you go to Munich,

849. you get a fantastic hotel, the place looks great,

850. it's clean and tidy, the services are good, food's great. The lot of it.

851. You come home and you never think,

852. "Wish I was still in Munich."

853. - It just leaves you feeling completely cold. - There's no magic in it.

854. - It's boring. - Completely boring.

855. - So that's gone. You'd have the Jag. - I'd have the Jag.

856. - Yes. 911. - And you'd have the 911.

857. So go on. Casting vote.

858. - Go on, you got to spend money on one. - I don't know, honestly...

859. - Logic dictates I buy the Porsche. - It does.

860. - But I wouldn't. - You'd go for the Jag?

861. I think... I've just made my mind up. I'd have the Jag.

862. - I can totally see why. I really can, but... - It is magnificent.

863. - It's a majority verdict. - Yeah.

864. And it's the Jag.

865. I wish it had more space.

866. I wish it had a limited slip differential.

867. I wish all the buttons made sense.

868. But you would never tire, ever, of the way it goes from 80, 90,

869. 100, 110...

870. It's just like you've got this huge supercharger

871. with a small V8 shoved on the back as a sort of afterthought.

872. That's what it's all about, really, with cars like this. Excitement!

873. And it's excitement that the Jag delivers, in spades.

874. It's a great car.

875. That and the Porsche.

876. Um...

877. I would just like to say, if I may, at this point,

878. that the BMW arrived here this morning, and The Stig took it out.

879. It set a blistering time. One minute 28 point something.

880. So, on the track, at least, it is very, very fast, this.

881. But it is still kind of cold and clinical.

882. And it is riddled with faults. The seats are very uncomfortable.

883. The driving position's rubbish. The satellite navigation's useless.

884. If you go for a manual gear box, the clutch is completely unmanageable.

885. Even worse than it is in the Z4.

886. The ride is appalling.

887. And I think I know why it costs £6,000 less than the Jaguar and Porsche.

888. You know, the designer of the 5 Series died after he'd finished it.

889. - He did. - This one died while he was doing it.

890. Only half of it's styled. Look, I'll show you.

891. He's cut it along here. Perfectly well. Nice straight line.

892. Got to here and lost the will to live. Look!

893. And then someone else came along and just sort of plonked a big duvet on the back.

894. But at least it didn't manage to spoil our day.

895. Because when you said we were going to drive all the way up to that beach

896. at the end of Wales, which is 5,000 miles away...

897. Yeah, Nevada would have been more convenient.

898. I thought you were mad at first. But when we got there,

899. - what a place and what a day! - It was such a lot of fun.