Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 4

1. On today's show, can you play darts with cars?

2. Which is faster? A Ford or a pigeon?

3. And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

4. Good evening and welcome to the Audi A8.

5. Now, this one has a twin turbo-charged, V8 diesel engine.

6. It does naught to 60 in six seconds and that's brilliant.

7. But surely, the whole point of a diesel engine is fuel economy.

8. So, I thought I'd set myself a bit of a challenge.

9. See if I could drive this enormous car from London to Edinburgh

10. on a single tank of fuel.

11. Now, who thinks that's possible?

12. No.

13. You think it's possible. No? Anyone think it is possible?

14. You think it is possible?

15. - Definitely possible. - Definitely possible?

16. See, the thing is, my car does 270 miles before it's out. Yeah?

17. My mum's forever telling me that her little Honda Jazz does 340 miles.

18. You think I could do 400 miles in that?

19. All right, what if I up the ante a bit?

20. What if... What if I tried to drive from London to Edinburgh

21. and then back to London again on a single tank?

22. - No? - No.

23. - You don't think so? - No.

24. Right. Well, you're the experts. Well, sort of.

25. - Thank you. So, that's 800 miles? - Yeah.

26. - In this car, V8 twin turbo... - Yeah.

27. - No modifications, one tank of fuel? - Nope.

28. - That's a stupid idea. - Yeah.

29. You're mad. Unless you fill the whole boot with diesel, you're not gonna do it.

30. I agreed with that.

31. But fuel's now running out at what? 4...

32. £4.50. - About £4.50 a gallon.

33. So probably a good time now to see just how many miles you can eke from a gallon.

34. I therefore accepted my own challenge.

35. My name is Jack Bauer.

36. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

37. It's 7:00 a.m. And this is a good time to start,

38. partly because the roads are quiet

39. and partly because this is a good time for filling up with fuel.

40. You see, in the morning, when it's cold, and it is very cold this morning,

41. fuel is more dense than it is on a hot afternoon,

42. so you're getting a little bit more for your money.

43. One thing, though.

44. Don't, whatever you do, forget to take any unnecessary weight out of the boot.

45. Right, I've got 19.8 gallons in the tank and a journey of 800 miles ahead of me.

46. That means averaging 40.4 miles to the gallon.

47. A tall order in a car as powerful as this.

48. Even Audi say that what I'm attempting to do is impossible.

49. They say this car will only do 37 miles to the gallon

50. and that I won't make it back.

51. There are one or two things I can do to help, though.

52. You have to make sure the car cuts as smooth a hole as possible in the air.

53. Driving with the window down, for instance, increases fuel consumption by 5%.

54. And to make matters worse,

55. you can't use the air conditioning either

56. because that does even more damage.

57. In a Honda Civic, for instance,

58. if you get 36 miles to the gallon normally,

59. you turn the air-con on, that drops to 30 miles to the gallon.

60. You lose 6 MPG.

61. In fact, you shouldn't use any electrical gadgets unless it's absolutely necessary.

62. The heated rear window's a complete no-no.

63. And heated seats, forget it.

64. Happily, the radio uses such a small amount of power that I can use that.

65. But surveys have shown that fast, aggressive music

66. causes drivers to grow lead feet.

67. So, thrash metal doesn't just hurt your ears, it damages your wallet as well.

68. On this journey, then, it will be Radio 2 all the way.

69. So, was that a hit again in the 90's in '95, '97 or '99?

70. '97.

71. I don't know. I think '95.

72. - No, it was '97... - You see?

73. Bad luck... Sad Cafe.

74. There's one interesting thing I've noticed that when I started out,

75. I had the cruise control on and I was averaging,

76. according to the trip computer,

77. about 32, 33 miles to the gallon.

78. Since I've taken the cruise control off and I'm using my own foot,

79. I've got it up to an average of 40 miles to the gallon,

80. which is nearly good enough.

81. It's amazing how much thinking and concentrating you have to do

82. to drive economically.

83. You got to think "Is that guy gonna pull up?

84. "I've got to match my speed to him. Lifting off..."

85. You must never ever brake.

86. Ever, ever touch the brakes. Ever.

87. If people concentrated this hard to drive fast,

88. no one would ever crash. Ever.

89. Ah, this is the northeast where there are many hills,

90. and hills are a big problem for the economy-minded motorist.

91. The trick is to build up speed before you get to an incline

92. and then try not to accelerate when you're on it.

93. So, thrash metal for going down a hill...

94. and then, the Carpenters for going up the other side.

95. Reach the crest and off.

96. And I've still only done 39 miles to the gallon!

97. What more do you want from me?

98. Six hours on the road.

99. I think I do want a wee.

100. But I can't stop because that would mean starting the engine again,

101. and starting an engine uses a load of fuel.

102. So, a New York taxi driver trick

103. and you're not allowed to watch.

104. Now, if I'd come to Edinburgh in a petrol-powered Audi A8,

105. I'd need to find a filling station.

106. But thanks to the diesel engine in this one, I don't.

107. The thing is, though,

108. it might not need a drink but I do.

109. So, I think I'll find somewhere to stay

110. and we'll pick this up again in the morning.

111. Time, I think, for a status report and the news isn't good.

112. We know it to be 400 miles back to London.

113. And if we look at the trip computer,

114. it tells me that I will run out of diesel in 340 miles.

115. I can take some comfort from the good, old-fashioned fuel gauge,

116. which says I have half a tank.

117. Good. Half a tank to get here, therefore, half a tank to get back.

118. Except I didn't use half a tank getting here.

119. I used half a tank,

120. plus the amount that was in the fuel filler pipe thing,

121. and that was, probably, half a gallon, that's 23 miles.

122. 23 miles that I don't have on the return leg.

123. I think I'm going to wind up on a hard shoulder.

124. Well, we'll find out later on, whether I make it back

125. or whether I have to use a tow truck.

126. I wanna talk about e-mails, if I may.

127. As you know, all you ever get on your e-mail in a morning is,

128. "Would you like a bigger genital?"

129. Mmm-hmm.

130. And a friend has sent you something that isn't funny

131. that takes half an hour to download.

132. However we were sent an e-mail the other day...

133. - It was quite funny, and it had a car in it... - It is.

134. So we thought, well, we'll share it with you.

135. A pigeon, look, and a Ford Sportka.

136. Now, I thought that was a bit mean on the pigeon,

137. so I decided to set that car a little challenge.

138. This is a racing pigeon.

139. He's like a valuable thoroughbred a the sky full of vermin.

140. A good one of these is worth £11,000.

141. And this is the Ford Sportka.

142. It's also worth £11,000,

143. but it doesn't defecate on your hand.

144. Now the question is, which is fastest in a race?

145. The car or this pigeon?

146. The Sportka peaks at 108 miles per hour,

147. and the pigeon maxes out at 70.

148. But top speed is not the issue in this race.

149. Oh, no.

150. You see, the racing pigeon is nature's ultimate navigator.

151. It can find its way from point to point

152. faster than just about any living thing.

153. But is it a match

154. for the most advanced satellite navigation system, money can buy?

155. This is the X1.

156. 2.5 grams worth of 21st century gadgetry.

157. It covers 3.7 million miles of road

158. and it's got more computing power than Bill Gates' briefcase.

159. Right, here's the challenge.

160. We're all starting down here in Windrush, which is in the Cotswolds,

161. and we're racing about 100 miles to Mansfield,

162. which is just north of Nottingham up here.

163. - A minute to go. - A minute to go!

164. I'm going to fire up my X1.

165. This is easy. Address search.

166. City, Mansfield.

167. Poplar Grove, P, O... It's got it already.

168. 30 seconds to go!

169. One, two, three, four, five different routes it's suggesting,

170. but the red one is the quick one.

171. That's 122 miles, a journey time of two hours, 13 minutes.

172. Today, the pigeons should average 50 miles per hour,

173. so it's gonna be close.

174. Let 'em go.

175. Right, here we go. Mankind's finest A-Z versus a birdbrain.

176. And may the best thing win.

177. Now, you probably think the pigeon just goes straight from A to B,

178. as the crow flies, but actually it doesn't.

179. Boffins now believe pigeons use roads and rivers as route-finders

180. and the Earth's magnetic field as a compass.

181. By contrast, my SatNav is guided by 12 satellites

182. from space.

183. In half a mile, turn right.

184. Right-o, miss.

185. The bird, of course, has a bird's eye view,

186. but, in fact, so do I.

187. Look at this.

188. Of course, there are lots of obstacles down here that he doesn't have to contend with.

189. I do get some warnings of this stuff on my SatNav.

190. Information about accidents and hold-ups are broadcast,

191. this system picks them up.

192. And then it automatically re-routes me

193. with no intervention from me, it just does it.

194. Can a pigeon do that? No.

195. Does a pigeon need to? No.

196. With 90 minutes gone, the SatNav has guided me nicely round some accidents,

197. and I'm on the M1 with just 30 miles left.

198. But then... Oh, dear.

199. An M1 traffic jam, and it hasn't told me.

200. Advantage, pigeon.

201. With just 15 miles to go, I'm on the B roads,

202. and this is where the Sportka is at its best. In corners.

203. It sticks like pigeon guano to a car bonnet.

204. The SatNav will back me up on this,

205. because it even has a gizmo for measuring sideways G-force.

206. But this is a mere sideshow distraction

207. because the SatNav says I have just three miles to go.

208. And... Go. Go!

209. Yeah, all right!

210. Oh, we're very close.

211. You have arrived at your destination.

212. Yes! Made it.

213. Are you where John lives, with the pigeon?

214. - No? You got a pigeon? - No.

215. - His name's John, I think. - John?

216. Poplar Grove, Forest Town, Mansfield.

217. This isn't Forest Town. This is Church Warsop.

218. This isn't Forest Town, that's why.

219. We can find it on our machine. It's all right. It'll find it for us.

220. If you...

221. Right, this thing is only as good as the bloke who programmes it,

222. which, in this case, is a complete clod.

223. What I should've done is use the machine's new seven-digit postcode locator.

224. Get the man in the satellite to twiddle his zoom lens.

225. There we go, that's where we're going.

226. That cock-up has cost me 25 minutes

227. and put me three miles off course.

228. Finally, Pigeon Central, but is it too late?

229. Have we lost?

230. I'm afraid so.

231. - Can I see the bird that beat us, please? - Uh...

232. There's 14 in there.

233. 14?

234. That really is rubbing it in!

235. The pigeon was in at 11:48 and 40.

236. It was a massacre.

237. Even without my mistake,

238. the pigeons would still have won by half an hour.

239. Right, we've lost.

240. Let's go home.

241. It was a good effort.

242. Now, the thing is, James,

243. that I drove this Sportka around the track this morning,

244. it was a fantastic little thing.

245. It's an excellent car.

246. Really brilliant. I mean the engine's a bit strangled,

247. but compared to, I don't know, a Citroen C2 GT... Oh, yeah.

248. - ... way, way, way better, and good value. - Excellent value.

249. - And the satellite navigation you had in there... - It's brilliant.

250. Absolutely brilliant.

251. And yet, because you programmed it wrong,

252. - you lost the race. - Yeah.

253. And as a result of your incompetence, we now have to say,

254. that if anybody out there wants to buy a small, nippy, agile fast hatch-back,

255. - they have to buy a pigeon. - Hmm.

256. Now, over the years, Subaru and Mitsubishi

257. have been locked in combat trying to outperform,

258. out-handle and out-horsepower each other

259. with their road-going rally cars.

260. And then other thing is, every time they launch a new model,

261. they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers

262. after the cars' names.

263. So, these are the two new models.

264. This is the Subaru Impreza,

265. This is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII

266. MR FQ 320.

267. Now, we could've just done an ordinary road test on these cars,

268. but to be honest, that's not the point.

269. What really matters between these two is which one is the fastest?

270. And there's only one solution to that.

271. It's called The Stig.

272. Right, the Evo launches clearly off the line.

273. I was a bit worried that the weight of all that badging might slow it down,

274. but it seems pretty good so far.

275. Hard breaking into Chicago, lots of tyre squeal,

276. but it's very tidy.

277. Now we come down, of course, towards the real test shortly,

278. Hammerhead.

279. We'll see what happens with four-wheel drive

280. and the clever Active Yaw Control Differential.

281. There's a bit of under-steer there.

282. So we're gonna pick up the pace when we get to the Follow-through.

283. Let's see.

284. Oh! That's much better!

285. Ooh! Look at that! Two corners to go.

286. Almost on the grass there! Stig thinks he's actually in a rally.

287. Siding into Gambon.

288. And across the line in...

289. - Are you ready? - Yes. Go on.

290. One minute, 26 exactly.

291. That's nearly as quick as the Lamborghini Gallardo!

292. I know. That's a very...

293. - Where's the old one gone? - Down here. Look.

294. So, it's about two... Nearly three seconds faster than the old one.

295. And there's the old Impreza, 1:30. - 1:30.

296. That's a very fast car.

297. - Very fast. - Which means,

298. the pressure really is on the Subaru. Let's see how it does.

299. So the Subaru really is up against it. Smoking off the line.

300. Up to the first corner.

301. And there's under-steer there, that's not a good start.

302. Chicago now, and more under-steer!

303. Right, now the real test through the Hammerhead.

304. Oh, my word! That is awful!

305. The Impreza already four horsepower down on the Evo,

306. so it's got to out-handle it to beat its time.

307. Good through the Follow-through.

308. Oh, look at that!

309. Maybe it can pull something out of the bag.

310. Much better in the penultimate corner then, more under-steering,

311. Gambon and across the line!

312. I've never heard so much tyre squeal from any car out there.

313. I know. It was astonishing, wasn't it?

314. I'm not expecting a fast time.

315. No. Well, it is 1:29.4.

316. - Nine? - Nine.

317. - So, it's only a bit faster than the old one. - A bit, yes.

318. Which was 1:30... We can remove...

319. And it's actually slower than the old Evo VIII

320. - F, Q... 300. - B... STI. Yeah.

321. So, there we are. I think The Stig actually got out one of his rare utterances.

322. He said that the Subaru was a good boy's car

323. but that, the Mitsubishi, is a man's car.

324. See? There we go. Another question answered.

325. Now we know this is the faster car,

326. therefore the Mitsubishi is the better car.

327. Mind you, if you think the Evo is fast,

328. wait till you see our guest tonight.

329. He can do 147 in like, 15 seconds,

330. without a car.

331. And that's because he is the World Snooker Champion.

332. Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie O'Sullivan is here!

333. Ronnie! How are you? Have a seat.

334. First of all,

335. hearty congratulations on the big win.

336. - Yeah. - Feel good?

337. Yeah, it was great. It was my dream to win the world title.

338. To win it twice was even better.

339. Fantastic. And they are saying now that you're the greatest

340. natural talent at snooker, ever.

341. Yeah.

342. I know for a fact you were a keen car enthusiast from an early age.

343. - Yeah. - And then when you started making it in snooker,

344. they gave you a Rover 216.

345. Yeah.

346. I was chuffed. I was happy with that.

347. 'Cause I'm thinking it's an incentive.

348. I think that's probably not a bad idea for all sportsmen.

349. Give them a Rover. It's an incentive to do better.

350. 214, start winning,

351. - and you can buy yourself a decent car. - Exactly, yeah.

352. So you got going and your first car was what

353. when you really started...

354. It was a BMW 318i.

355. - 318? - Yeah.

356. Oh, dear.

357. Did you crash it?

358. Uh, yeah, I did. It was the police's fault.

359. - Was it really? - 'Cause they were following me

360. and I knew they was going to pull me over, but they just kept following me.

361. And I just kept looking in my mirror and I went to turn right,

362. but I wasn't looking forward at what was coming the other way.

363. So, I was guilty, yeah.

364. Didn't you once crash a car into a hotel reception?

365. Yeah. It was in Blackpool.

366. We were staying in this nice hotel.

367. I was driving up the driveway and I was just, a bit too fast

368. and I ended up going through the reception.

369. Sort of ran into it.

370. So, what do you drive now then? Now you've smashed you BMWs up?

371. Um, I've got a Mercedes and a Bentley.

372. - A Mercedes... - 500SL.

373. - A 500? - I know.

374. - Oh, dear. - I know.

375. A World Champion and you've only bought the 500?

376. It's been lucky for me so that's why I'm... I don't want to get rid of it.

377. But it's a bit wet.

378. It's all right, it does me.

379. - It barely moves! You might as well... - I'll have to get a new one.

380. get an armchair and get your mum to push you around in it.

381. It's the same thing. Get a 55!

382. - So you got Bentley as well? - The GT one.

383. - Oh, the Continental. - That's really nice.

384. - You like that? - I like driving that.

385. Don't you think it's a bit of a Volkswagen?

386. - Nah. - Really?

387. - Nah. - It is.

388. - Is it? - Yeah.

389. Well, Aston's are Fords, aren't they?

390. Yeah. Have you seen the DB9?

391. Yeah, I've seen the DB9. Yeah.

392. - And you think... - It's a lovely car.

393. - Very nice. - Gonna get one?

394. Uh, my mum... She's a bit strict on me spending...

395. She is.

396. - You've got the world record, haven't you, for... - The fastest 147.

397. The fastest 147.

398. - Which was how long? - Mmm. 5:20.

399. Big prize money as well for that, wasn't it?

400. Uh, about 170 grand.

401. For 5:20?

402. I'd go and buy a DB9. Honestly. I'll just go straight...

403. Do it again in about 5:50.

404. Do you... That's the point, will they pay you that again if you beat it again?

405. Uh... Yeah, I've had it since.

406. I'd just do it every day.

407. Um, now...

408. I guess you've been looking...

409. 'Cause you cancelled your holiday to come and do this, didn't you?

410. - Well, sort of, yeah. - You see?

411. He's a bit keen to come and give this one a whirl.

412. We have this thing on the show, every week,

413. where we keep a chart for how late our guest is.

414. The star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

415. Currently, it was Simon Cowell, okay?

416. He was 1 hour 15 minutes late.

417. Jordan blew that away. A full 2 hours late.

418. This guy rocked up four hours before being asked to!

419. Four hours early!

420. So you are a pretty keen car person.

421. I was made up. I couldn't wait to get here.

422. I was gonna come down last night!

423. Who'd like to see the lap?

424. - Yeah? - Yes!

425. Okay, here we go. Let's have a look.

426. Well, you've managed to make that thing wheelspin further than anyone else.

427. Gotta say, Ronnie, that's very good.

428. That's very, very good through there.

429. Now let's have a look. Under-steer close to the line.

430. Ooh, it's a bit wide. Bit wide?

431. Bit wide.

432. Well, you rescued that one. That's all right.

433. - Did I? - That's all right.

434. Hammerhead. Hard one, this one.

435. I don't know. It's hard to say.

436. It's a bit like watching those Evos earlier.

437. It's a hard one to call, 'cause it was more aggressive than Jodie Kidd was.

438. That's nice. I like the...

439. Whoa!

440. You keep your foot in it?

441. No, I took it off.

442. And to lift off at Gambon and across the line!

443. Apparently...

444. Apparently

445. that was your fastest lap.

446. Even though you had to lift, but you have to lift for Gambon anyways,

447. so it's no big deal. So you ready for the time?

448. Where do you think you're gonna come?

449. About 1:50. 1:50, 1:51.

450. - No! - What, worse?

451. - Faster than 1:50. - Ah.

452. 1:48.

453. - You're up to JK, Jodie Kidd speed, there. - Yeah.

454. - Jodie Kidd. - Faster.

455. Ooh!

456. 1:47.6.

457. You are 1:47.3!

458. You have moved...

459. into second place!

460. - You're probably feeling a bit gutted about that. - I am, yeah.

461. Don't worry, though. Because you've now got the chance

462. - to get your own back, all right? - Yeah.

463. Come with me, come with me.

464. Okay, right. Now you see, the thing is...

465. What we've got here is a snooker table,

466. or, as Richard Hammond said when he arrived here this morning,

467. "Crikey, a football pitch!"

468. As you can see, we've got four red balls there, okay?

469. So what we were wondering is, can you sink everything on this table...

470. - That's how many balls? - 14.

471. - 14 balls. - Yeah.

472. Faster than The Stig can get round the lap?

473. Ooh!

474. Okay? Now, normally at the Crucible,

475. if somebody's mobile phone goes off...

476. - Big distraction, what happens? - They get thrown out.

477. - They get thrown out because that's a distraction. - Yeah.

478. We've got a slightly

479. - bigger distraction than that for you. - Okay.

480. Would you like to have a look what car The Stig's going to be driving,

481. while you're doing this?

482. Turn round on that telly. Can we show it?

483. What is that?

484. It's his.

485. Mercedes SL!

486. They actually did the same thing to me once,

487. just nicked the car.

488. Um, all right. So, here we go.

489. - We reckon that car because it is only a 500... - Hmm.

490. And it's not going to be that fast, we reckon about, 1:35, 1:40?

491. 14 balls in one minute, 40 seconds.

492. - You reckon? - I don't know...

493. Let's... Let's give it a whirl.

494. - You're allowed to take the break. Okay? - Yeah.

495. And be satisfied with the position of the red before we start the clock.

496. Okay? Here we go.

497. You've missed.

498. Oh, no... Wait.

499. - Yeah, I'll take that. - You'll take that?

500. Okay, so right. Here we go.

501. Ready? Hold on, I'll start you.

502. Three, two, one, go!

503. He's got one in!

504. Ooh, there's a lot of tyre smoke there, Ronnie and it's your tyres!

505. Try not to be put off.

506. He's coming up to the first corner now!

507. Ooh, my word! He's got a bit of backspin there!

508. He's off the track!

509. He's off the track! Here we go now. Where's he got to?

510. He's coming up to Chicago now!

511. Let's be having a look at what he's doing.

512. He's not got much power to play with!

513. No, no.

514. Well, the backspin's nearly off again.

515. How's he going here? One more...

516. Now he's on the pave... One more red to go.

517. As The Stig is now heading toward the Hammerhead.

518. Come on, get out the way!

519. The world's worst referee brought in!

520. Here we go. Well, that's all the reds gone. And The Stig is now...

521. He really is... He's gonna under-steer that.

522. Don't look at the screen, man! It's gonna slow you down.

523. He's fighting, he's wrestling.

524. Okay, now he's coming up now to the Follow-through.

525. This is where you had the problem.

526. Well, he's gone. He's around.

527. He's going around. He's really moving!

528. He's nearly off the track there!

529. Go on, Stig!

530. Go, Stiggy!

531. He's going through!

532. He's gonna miss! It's in!

533. The Stig's coming around now. Second to the last corner.

534. He's on the second to last corner, turning in.

535. He's coming up to the last corner!

536. Yes!

537. - My boy! - Oh, look at that.

538. And now he's across the line!

539. Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie O'Sullivan!

540. Brilliant!

541. - Fantastic! - Yeah.

542. All of a sudden, my challenge looks a bit pathetic.

543. Earlier on in the show, I was attempting to get from London to Edinburgh,

544. and then back to London again

545. in a V8 twin-turbo Audi diesel.

546. We left the action in Edinburgh with the trip computer saying,

547. I was gonna run out, 'cause I was gonna do it on a single tank.

548. I was gonna run out 60 miles north of London.

549. You're probably thinking, "What is the big deal?"

550. I mean, if you fail, if you run out,

551. it's not like you're gonna skip off the Earth's atmosphere

552. and be lost in space forever.

553. That's true. But I will wind up on the hard shoulder,

554. and, A: That's illegal,

555. driving on a motorway, knowing that you're gonna have to stop.

556. And, B: You can't just fill up a diesel engine from a little can,

557. and then set off again.

558. You have to bleed the whole system.

559. Now do you think I wanna do that

560. on a hard shoulder after an 800-mile drive?

561. That is why I really wanna make it.

562. Really wanna make it.

563. I can't see where I'm going.

564. And I can't turn my heater on because I have no amps.

565. I'm so cold!

566. This is dangerous. I have to turn my heater on.

567. Oh, that's so nice!

568. But powering up the heater to demist the windows

569. played havoc with the re-entry procedure.

570. This is North Yorkshire.

571. And that fuel gauge is now

572. as near as makes no difference, really into the red.

573. I have to average 40.4 miles to the gallon,

574. but since I left Edinburgh...

575. Well, I've only averaged 35 miles to the gallon.

576. And that's nowhere near enough, just nowhere near enough!

577. The fuel warning light is on.

578. It's on as I go past Nottingham.

579. So, Nottingham to London on reserve fuel.

580. That's gonna be interesting.

581. At no point on this journey,

582. and I've now been on the move for 15 hours and 17 minutes,

583. have I exceeded 1,200 rpm, basically tick over.

584. This engine must be thinking, "What has bought the car?

585. "It must be the manager of a mattress company."

586. But despite the careful driving,

587. the trip computer still said I was going to miss London by 35 miles.

588. Remember that scene in Apollo 13?

589. Jim Lovell, Fred Haise, the other one,

590. in their little capsule, freezing cold, only got 12 amps to get back.

591. "Gotta shut the computer down!

592. "Gotta shut it all down! Shut it down now!

593. "We've never lost a Top Gearpresenter on a mission.

594. "That's not about to happen on my watch!"

595. Except, of course, I think it probably

596. is going to happen on my watch.

597. Right, it's 45 miles to get back to the petrol station where we started,

598. and I have hit a traffic jam.

599. The computer is saying I've got 10 miles to go before I run out.

600. The fuel gauge is off the bottom now.

601. Things, I'm afraid, at this point,

602. just outside Milton Keynes, they look bleak.

603. So it's time, really, to do what they always do in Hollywood disaster films,

604. and that's reach for a photograph

605. of my children.

606. There's my kids!

607. Tell them I love them if I don't make it back.

608. Tell them I love them so much!

609. We're moving again.

610. We're picking up speed. I'm up to 40 miles an hour.

611. Come on.

612. Yes! Yes! I'm gonna make it!

613. I've been told to expect a misfire before the engine actually stops.

614. This is a sort of last-minute warning,

615. an electronic kind of interference, to say,

616. "You really have got to stop and put some fuel in now."

617. But still, I don't have this... I don't have this misfire.

618. That's it. The computer is now saying "no miles".

619. No miles to go.

620. What is this thing running on?

621. Every single dial and read-out on my entire spacecraft, car,

622. is telling me I'm out.

623. That's it.

624. That was a cough.

625. It keeps just coughing, and then being okay again.

626. I wonder if Audi know that they have inadvertently built

627. the world's first air-powered engine.

628. What is it running on?

629. I can hear the fuel pump.

630. A very, very, very faint whine.

631. I can just hear it, kind of sucking on nothing.

632. I will feel if I can make it back,

633. I will feel as though, I know it sounds ridiculous,

634. as though this was a worthwhile thing.

635. I mean, I've learned to drive quickly, now I've learnt to drive slowly.

636. Come on! Come on!

637. I really can't break down here, not in a contraflow.

638. I would sack myself from motoring journalism if that were to happen.

639. One mile to the end of the motorway.

640. One mile. Damn, I can almost coast that.

641. Come on! Come on! Come on!

642. I've honestly got, like, a tight knot in my stomach

643. that I might just conceivably do this.

644. That's not a red light. It is a red light for us. Shit.

645. Holy mother of God, I can see the garage.

646. We're talking yards now, yards to go.

647. This is the garage I filled up at yesterday morning.

648. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how we do that.

649. This car has gone from London to Edinburgh and back again

650. with a V8 engine

651. on one tank of fuel.

652. I am absolutely lost for words.

653. That is one astonishing car.

654. That was amazing.

655. I have to say...

656. I have to say

657. that was the most mentally exhausting thing I've ever done.

658. - Yeah, it looked it. - Had to concentrate so hard,

659. but the savings are absolutely amazing.

660. I mean this car, if you drive it normally,

661. should do about 21 miles to the gallon.

662. Now, by driving it super-carefully

663. I got that up to over 40 miles to the gallon.

664. So, over a year, that would save you about £650 in fuel.

665. You'd be rich!

666. - You'd be late for everything. Yeah. - For everything.

667. You did look a bit miserable as well, to be honest.

668. - And tired. God, awful. - Yes.

669. Obviously you took that to extremes.

670. - Nobody is going to drive like that, really. - No. No.

671. But there are some tips we can take away from this.

672. For instance, I now realise my boot is full of junk,

673. and I'm actually paying extra to haul that weight around.

674. Oh, absolutely. Weight is a complete killer.

675. I mean, if you see two hitchhikers at the side of the road,

676. leave the fat one.

677. Yeah.

678. There's something else as well.

679. This time of year, you see people driving along on a camping holiday.

680. They've got a garden chair on the roof.

681. You know, I was talking about drag, aerodynamic drag.

682. We worked out that if you drove that journey with a garden chair on the roof,

683. the drag would mean you'd spend an extra £10.52 in fuel.

684. Really? So it's cheaper to buy one when you're there.

685. Oh, yeah. Much cheaper. Yeah.

686. Did you work that out on the way?

687. - Yeah, that's how bored I was at various points. - You really were.

688. There's another one as well.

689. And this is an amazing thing, which I didn't realise,

690. is, you know, when you're coasting up to a junction,

691. you might knock it into neutral thinking, "I'm not using anything."

692. In neutral, an engine uses a little bit of fuel to stop itself stalling.

693. But if you coast up to a roundabout or traffic lights, okay, still in gear,

694. drive or in gear, okay... Like that.

695. A modern engine uses no fuel at all. Nothing.

696. So you're getting those, like, 300 yards for free.

697. - Do you know what? - What?

698. I think I preferred the old Jeremy, to be honest.

699. I prefer being the old Jeremy, you know. I don't like economy runs.

700. But don't worry, normal service will be resumed in a few minutes.

701. I think we should move onto something perhaps a little more fatuous.

702. Now, in a James Bond film, there's always a scene

703. where a car makes a preposterous leap through the air.

704. And the way they do this is,

705. they fire the car off the end of this huge gas-powered cannon.

706. Now, they're not making a James Bond film at the moment,

707. so we were wondering, what else could you do with that cannon?

708. This is a quarry.

709. And here, painted on the floor of the quarry, is a very big dartboard.

710. Up here, on this cliff, we have six used cars,

711. which, if you squint, could look a bit like darts.

712. So, dartboard, cars.

713. I think you can see where this is going.

714. We're going to take it in turns to throw our darts at the dartboard,

715. three darts each, the highest score wins...

716. Probably a speedboat or something.

717. Now, because these cars weigh a little bit more than the average pub arrows,

718. we'll need this!

719. Our mega-powerful James Bond cannon!

720. It works using nitrogen, compressed at about 1,400psi.

721. It comes out of the end of the cannon,

722. and it will power the car forwards with a thrust of about 20 tonnes.

723. Now, the important thing to know is this.

724. We can vary the amount of pressure

725. which will affect the distance and the angle of the car,

726. so we've got control over the power and the elevation.

727. So there is some skill in this. Oh, yes.

728. Because we have such a motley collection of cars,

729. we thought we'd start with two of roughly equal weight

730. to get our eye in,

731. the Vauxhall Astra and the Ford Orion.

732. But who was to throw first?

733. One, two, three...

734. - But... - That was fair. That was fair.

735. Now, I have no idea what I'm doing, so here goes nothing!

736. - Are we ready? - Yeah.

737. Yes!

738. That's a 25.

739. Yeah, all right, 25. No, I'll grant you that.

740. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!

741. Right, my go.

742. I always liked that shape of Astra.

743. My dad had one and crashed it.

744. - You're gonna crash this one in a minute. - Mmm-hmm. Big style.

745. Fractionally up from there.

746. That is an overshoot, if ever I saw one.

747. Just look and learn.

748. - Oh, that's a... It's a 25! - No, that was 10. That's a 10.

749. It landed in the 10, easily.

750. James, that is more 25 than yours. The entire car...

751. No, we said where the car lands. It landed in the...

752. - Look at that. - No, it didn't.

753. That landed in the 10.

754. - This is... - There's the groove in the ground where the car landed.

755. And anyway... Actually, no, the front would have been in the 25.

756. Rubbish. Here is where the Vauxhall badge fell off.

757. This is rather conveniently placed. - In the 10 circle.

758. - That's 10 points for you, making me 15 in front. - Fine. Yes.

759. So I get to choose cars.

760. A full 1,200psi, please.

761. More elevation, about 40 degrees.

762. To make the bull's-eye a more exciting proposition, we've put a caravan on it.

763. That caravan... That is genius, whoever thought of that addition.

764. - It was me. - It's not a bad idea.

765. Fire.

766. That was rubbish! I mean, it was really good to watch but it was just pathetic.

767. Maybe it's not as heavy as I thought.

768. Now, I've asked for 800.

769. I think you've overdone it.

770. No, there's plenty of elevation. I don't think I have.

771. Fire!

772. Whoa! Ooh!

773. It's a five. It was a five. - That was... I thought...

774. Superb drama, but only a five, I'm afraid.

775. I thought that was going in there.

776. There.

777. - And I'm now on 15. - Yes.

778. - Strike through the... Yep. - All right!

779. This is James' last car, and he's well in the lead.

780. - Okay, James! - Are you ready?

781. I'm braced!

782. - Yes! Yes! Yes! - No!

783. It's got to hit it. It's got to hit it straight.

784. I have to admit that was a five.

785. - Still, it was good one. - And that you were right.

786. Our final car is Hammond's Volvo.

787. He's 15 points behind and needs either an inner or a bully to win.

788. But the real prize would be the caravan.

789. It's quite a happy coming together of Volvo and caravan.

790. - It's kind of apt, isn't it? - But not in the way that we would expect.

791. Fire!

792. Go on. Yes!

793. - You can have that. - Oh, yes.

794. That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!

795. Fifty points!

796. Final scores, 30-65.

797. But we are all winners because the caravan bought it.

798. You know,

799. that's the 19th caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

800. This is the most exciting, the best looking, the most expensive,

801. and the fastest road-going Porsche ever made.

802. It's called the Carrera GT.

803. And I'm going to start by looking at it from a German's point of view.

804. This is interesting.

805. The crank is only 98.5mm from the floor of the car.

806. The reason why the crank is so low

807. is because the clutch, which I have here, is so small.

808. It's got two plates made from carbon fibre and silicon carbide.

809. Ooh!

810. Sorry, that happens sometimes when I say silicon carbide.

811. Ooh!

812. Uh, anyway, let's see how much it weighs.

813. Pop it in the scales that we have here.

814. And we've got some sugar. There's two bags.

815. Three bags.

816. And four bags. Look at that!

817. Less than four bags of sugar.

818. I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the Venturi tunnels.

819. And what I have here is a cut-away of one of the brakes,

820. also very light because it's made from silicon carbide.

821. Ooh!

822. Ooh!

823. At this point, a German would come out of the lavatory,

824. say everything's perfect and move on.

825. But I'm not German.

826. So let's look at it from a British point of view.

827. Whoa!

828. I am just a mass of goose pimples!

829. I've never had a feeling like this before. I've never felt anything like that!

830. Listen to that engine!

831. It's a 5.7-litre V10!

832. Originally designed for racing.

833. But now it's in a road car and the effect

834. is absolutely mind-blowing!

835. The performance figures really are biblical.

836. You get 612 brake horsepower.

837. And that means naught to 60 in 3.9 seconds.

838. Flat out, you'll be doing 205.

839. Even in the fastest, most exotic cars,

840. there's a point where the power

841. starts to lose its battle with the friction of the air.

842. But in this...

843. There's no let-up at all!

844. It's like it's moving in a vacuum.

845. 120, 130, 140, 150...

846. It just isn't gonna stop!

847. Not only is it one of the fastest

848. and most exciting cars I've ever driven,

849. it is also one of the most beautiful.

850. It isn't styled with the verve or the passion of a Ferrari or a Lamborghini.

851. Its form, following function in every piece, every detail,

852. is as precise and as perfect as Germany's rail timetable.

853. Really there's only one car this can be compared with.

854. The McLaren Mercedes SLR we tested two weeks ago.

855. They both cost more than £300,000,

856. and they both produce more than 600 brake horsepower.

857. But there is a crucial difference.

858. The Mercedes,

859. that's a GT car, it's got a big boot, it's got thick carpets,

860. it's got lots of luxury equipment.

861. This, though, much more focused.

862. Carbon fibre here. A magnesium transmission tunnel.

863. A simple beech wood gear lever.

864. This is a supercar unplugged.

865. As a result, it's much lighter than the McLaren,

866. and that makes it nimbler and edgier.

867. And that makes it more of a handful.

868. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

869. You need to be awake to drive this fast!

870. It really isn't an easy car to control. The clutch is brutal.

871. The power is savage. And the handling...

872. You really are on a knife edge.

873. But if you put in the effort,

874. boy, oh, boy, do you get the rewards.

875. You really need two brains just to keep up with all the machinery in here!

876. Normally, I like British and Italian cars

877. because they have so much soul and character.

878. German cars I always find are long on engineering but a bit short on passion.

879. This, though...

880. My God!

881. It's that good? Really?

882. It is a phenomenon. Honestly, mind-blowingly good.

883. So, I'm expecting it to beat the McLaren Mercedes,

884. which is at the top of the board of course. 1:20.9.

885. Because they've both got the same power,

886. but the Porsche is 240 kilos lighter, which is a lot.

887. Thing is, though. That McLaren Mercedes is easy to drive.

888. Automatic. You can go very, very fast and it's not difficult.

889. The Porsche...

890. Well, put it this way. You know The Stig, right?

891. - Mighty car control. - Oh, yes.

892. He got into that Porsche. "Right, here we go."

893. And we've actually got a tape, which I think we can show you, of his first attempt.

894. Where's that? Look.

895. Here he comes into the Hammerhead.

896. Very close to the tyres and...

897. - Honestly. It's a pig. - It's a monster.

898. The Mercedes forgives you.

899. That, make a mistake... It bites your head off. It's that simple.

900. He had another go after that, spun it again, and again, and again.

901. But then, after a whole morning's practising,

902. he was ready to take on the Mercedes.

903. Okay, this is the big one.

904. Masses of wheel spin off the line, down to the first corner.

905. He has got to tread carefully.

906. He knows that that big V10 landmine will bite.

907. I am actually surprised he's playing his power ballads today,

908. because, really, he has... Look at that through Chicago.

909. Gently on the power, doesn't wanna lose it.

910. He really doesn't want to lose it.

911. Bit of a wiggle. He's okay, coming up to the Hammerhead.

912. This is where he spun it before.

913. Cannot afford a mistake now.

914. He's already off the SLR's pace at this point, but now...

915. This is maximum attack mode.

916. He's really opening the taps now,

917. really, really working that manual gearbox,

918. wringing out every millisecond advantage over the automatic McLaren.

919. This is the second to last bend. Hard on the ceramic brakes.

920. Keep it steady. He's measuring out the power. Gambon corner.

921. He's pushing it now! And there he is!

922. - Okay, the McLaren Mercedes did it in 1:20.9. - Yes. We know that.

923. - Go on. - Which is pretty fast compared to all the others.

924. - Yes? Porsche. Got it here. - Yes. And... Yes!

925. 1:19.8!

926. Fastest car we've ever had.

927. However...

928. Don't get too excited.

929. Don't get too excited, because next week Britain fights back.

930. We've got this Rover coming!

931. How about that? We will be driving it around the track.

932. We'll see you then. Good night.